


The Time I Stalked Jared Leto

by deathbyfiction



Category: 30st, Bandom, jared leto - Fandom, shannon leto - Fandom, thirty seconds to mars
Genre: F/M, Light BDSM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-04-02 17:32:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 289,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4068577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathbyfiction/pseuds/deathbyfiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amelia has loved Jared Leto since she was a teenager, what happens when she collides into him on a supermarket trip?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

My name is Amelia Henry and it would appear I’m accidentally stalking Jared Leto. By which I mean I keep seeing him, only not on purpose. Because come on he’s Jared Leto, if you want to see Jared Leto you put on your finery and go find his ass. It’s not hard. LA may have millions of people but everyone moves in small circles. ANYWAY I’m getting side tracked…  
I’m in Whole Foods (which really should be called Whole Pay check, or in my case Whole Commission). I’m in dungarees that I bought in the 90’s and possibly… no definitely should have stayed there, but I wear them to paint in so it shouldn’t matter that they’re not fashionable anymore, until I round a corner happily humming to the music blasting in my ears and run slap bang in to Jared Leto, THEN ANYONE would care about what they were wearing because 1. He’s Jared Leto and 2. He’s Jared Leto.  
“Shit… sorry” I mumble at my feet, trying not to look at his feet encased in his stupid black zip up boots.  
“Is that paint wet?” I watch as he checks himself up and down from where he’s made contact with my paint splattered outfit, suddenly I’m conscious of the Echelon tattoo on my wrist and try and hide it behind my back but he smiles and makes a grab for my hand “Echelon? God I love it when you guys are marked… makes it so much easier to find you in crowds”  
“Erm…” my mind went fucking blank totally fucking blank, those eyes are looking at me and it’s like I’m melting into a pool of goo on the floor in the middle of Whole Foods while he’s kind of half holding my hand in the frozen food aisle, this is not going well, I pray for either the ground to swallow me up but when it doesn’t I mentally slap myself “Yes Echelon Emmy… I mean my name’s Emmy”  
“Echelon Emmy I like it sounds like a porn star” he lets go of my hand and it takes all of my will power not to stick my head in a freezer right then because Jared Leto just told me my name sounded like porn. The man that may as well be walking porn himself, just told me I sounded like porn “Well Emmy, can I suggest that you wipe the paint off your glasses, then maybe you could see where you’re going…”  
“Huh?” then I noticed that along with the paint on my clothes I had a huge smear of it on the left eye lens of my glasses, it must have been there for hours, fuck “Oh right yeah” I pull my glasses off and clean the lens as he walks away from me, I breathe a huge sigh of relief, put my glasses back on and go to pull out my cell to text my friend the whole embarrassing ordeal blow by blow.  
“Bye Echelon Emmy” I look up to see him turned around waving at me, Jared Leto is waving at me, me in my paint covered outfit, with my shopping basket in my hand, I wave back grateful I haven’t got tampons in there because THAT would have been the most embarrassing shit ever. 

I’ve just got into Starbucks after a ridiculously stressful meeting with my dealer, he wants me to charge more, I told him I would give my art away for free if I could. I’d pulled out my ipad and was engrossed in whatever was going on OH NO THEY DIDN’T while I was waiting in line to order my Iced Soy Vanilla Latte, mentally counting the days still they start their Pumpkin Spice Lattes again, freaking corporate coffee chains and their ways of luring me in with free Wi-Fi and dam tasty beverages.  
“Did Amanda Byrnes get arrested AGAIN? That bitch be CRAZY” I was about to give whoever was reading over my shoulder the stink eye or a piece of my mind but as I spin round I’m greeted with the sight of not one BUT TWO Letos, the taller one looking at my ipad with interest and the shorter one engrossed with his own phone screen “Echelon Emmy, I didn’t recognise you without your paint covered 90’s wardrobe”  
“What can I get you?” I span back to the barrister rattled off my order and handed over my money, trying to think about something witty to say in retort, but my mind is devoid of satire so I say nothing and simply walk away from them and go and stand to wait for my order, throwing a mental cold bucket of water over my head as I went that Jared Leto remembered my name, Jared Leto who must meet hundreds of people A DAY, remembered MY NAME, what the fuck?  
“Venti Iced Soy Vanilla Latte for Amelia?” I was relieved that my drink was ready as the Letos had soon caught up with me at the counter, and I would more than likely spill my drink down myself in front of them, being the clumsy oaf that I am and continue with the embarrassment that my friends will start hash tagging on social media #makingafoolofherselfAGAIN  
“Yeah that’s me” I pull my drink from the barrister’s hands and rest it on the counter, sliding my ipad back into my purse.  
“I thought your name was Emmy?” Jared Leto is now making enquiries about my name, which hello Jared Leto, what’s it have to do with you? But he’s looking at me like he’s almost hurt, thinking I gave him a fake name.  
“My full name is Amelia, when my brother was little he couldn’t say it so he called me Emmy and it just kind of stuck…”  
“Jared called me Hanny for years when he was little” offered the older Leto, not even looking up from his phone.  
I snorted before I could help it, then decided it was best I leave while the going is good “Well yes… erm…” was I supposed to say goodbye? Did I want to say goodbye to Jared Leto? No I’d rather say Hello Mr Leto, would you like to see inside my bra? You would? That’s great… “This has been less embarrassing than last time, so gentlemen if you’ll excuse me…”  
I went to push my way past them praying I wouldn’t trip over my own feet and spill my coffee, because I was really looking forward to it, for a rich art dealer mine had the shittiest coffee machine known to man, probably so his clients thought he was poor, felt sorry for him and gave him more commission, twat. I was nearly at the door when I heard “Bye Amelia” turning back I could see that Jared Leto was once again stood waving at me, not looking where I was going I partially tripped over my own feet, thankfully my coffee was saved, my dignity? Yeah that was gone, fucking Jared Leto and his stupid… stupid… big attractive HEAD talking to me in Starbucks like he knew me. I pulled out my phone and once again text the whole sorry story to my friend. 

I’m at the gas station filling up my heap of a car, I could have a new one, but I don’t want one, what’s the point in spending upwards of $50 000 on a car with a leather interior you’re going to smear in acrylic paint? There isn’t one, so a heap that doesn’t matter if it’s got a coffee stain on the passenger seat, and a paintbrush can rattling around in the backseat is just fine. Plus you know I drive it LIKE it’s worth a bucket load of money and forget it HASN’T got blacked out windows as I sing along enthusiastically to Nicki Minaj at top volume, while black kids look at me like I’ve just rolled fresh out of white people school.  
I was casually leaning against the car my hand on the pump as a really fucking fancy car pulled up on the pump opposite, I don’t even know what the fuck kind of car it was it was that fancy, it wasn’t even shiny it was MATT grey, who the hell has a matt grey car? Jared fucking Leto that’s who. I looked at the sky, I looked at my shoes, I looked like I was trying to peer in my own car’s back seat at something interesting but was just greeted by my own messy paint smeared reflection, praying he wouldn’t notice me over the top of his aviator sunglasses. Why did my stupid car take SO long to fill? For fucks sake, Honda Civic, you could help me out here…  
“Amelia, we meet again…”  
And again Jared Leto, repeat JARED LETO remembered my name, AND when he saw me he took his sunglasses off as if out of politeness, meaning I was greeted by those huge blue eyes staring me down over the top of his bat mobile looking car, and my shit heap “Hello”  
“Nice car…”  
What the fuck Jared Leto? Just stop being… I don’t even know what you are anymore “Yes well, paint and leather interiors not a good mix, so…”  
“I don’t know about that Amelia, it would depend on what circumstances you were mixing paint and leather…” Did Jared Leto just make a suggestive remark towards me? I think he did, I glanced down at my reflection and confirmed that yes I had gone bright red. I inwardly sighed and pulled my bank card from my pocket and stuck it in the machine to pay, only to have it beep and throw it back out at me, there was money in my account, I know there’s money in my account, I’m not a poor student anymore. He must have seen my struggle with modern technology as he’s striding round my car like it’s no big deal and glancing over my shoulder “You need to put your zip code in before you can pay…”  
“Why the fuck do I need to put my zip code in?” I managed to move the gas nozzle from my car back to the pump without failing utterly in the presence of Jared Leto, who now I could see was wearing leather pants, for fuck’s sake Jared it’s too hot for LEATHER pants never mind YOU in leather pants, and why does the writing on your t-shirt translate to Rich Depressed Children? Aren’t you like 40 or something? Is this irony that I don’t understand?  
“I don’t know Amelia…” Jared Leto stop saying my name, or I swear to all that is holy I will bite you and you won’t get a choice in it “Just… what’s your zip code?” I managed to stammer out my zip code to him he typed it in on the keypad at which point the machine happily took my card and money as he walked back round to his own car. I watched wide eyed as he entered his own zip code into the machine and pulled a platinum coloured card from his pocket to pay, pushing his sunglasses back on his face “Amelia, until next time…” and then he was gone, like poof into a cloud of smoke gone like a magician. Magician of SEX maybe…  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
Thirty Seconds to Mars had been on tour I hadn’t run into Jared Leto anymore but I had managed to drink for free for at least an hour while I regaled some fan girls in a bar with tales of his leather pants at the gas station and the fact that he’d touched my hand in Whole Foods.  
Sometimes I sleep in my studio, it’s no big deal I’ve got a one person cot in there, and sometimes it’s just easier to put my head down in there when I know I’ve got to close my eyes or I’m going to fall down at 4am from lack of sleep. Sometimes as well I manage to lock myself out of my studio, usually when I’m in my fleece penguin pyjamas, and then have to stand around waiting for someone to come and let me back in without letting too many people see me in the afore mentioned nightwear.  
I must have been asleep for about an hour when there was SO MUCH NOISE coming from the studio above me my inner old lady came out and I started banging on my ceiling with a broom handle. Then after the noise there was giggling SO MUCH GIGGLING coming from the corridor outside so being the nosey fuck that I am, I went to find out what the fuck was going on. Of course as soon as I stepped outside into the corridor, which was totally empty, the door of my studio clicked behind me and I was left on the outside of it. In my fleece penguin pyjamas. Cursing myself. LOUDLY.  
“Amelia?”  
Oh fucking hell no, for all that is good and holy please don’t be Jared Leto PLEASE DON’T BE JARED LETO. Spinning round I was met with Shannon Leto instead which, is almost just as bad… AND HOW did Shannon Leto remember my name? What’s with these Leto’s do they have selective memory on remembering my name? “Yes hello, I’ve locked myself out of my studio, can I borrow your cell phone please so I can ring the building super and get him to come and let me back in?”  
He looked a bit embarrassed by my question, Shannon Leto why are you looking at me like that? “Sorry it’s erm… it’s upstairs, I was just walking… someone down to the entrance…” I bet you were, you naughty fuck “But look why don’t you come up and you can use it then, do you know the number?”  
“Yes” of course I knew the number this was the sixth time this year I’d locked myself out, at least this time no electrical appliances were left on. I was very suddenly conscious of what I was wearing “I can’t go anywhere dressed like this though, can you just go get it and come back down here… PLEASE” I gave him my best woman in distress face.  
“Tell you what…” he started slipping out of his jumper. Shannon Leto is stood in front of me taking his top off, I think I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole here “Put this on, then no one will think you’re in your pyjamas everyone will just think you’re in some kind of new Los Angeles trend” he handed me his jumper and I resisted the urge to just rub my face all over it, or lick it, or lick him.  
“Thanks” I managed to pull the jumper over my head, which looked even more ridiculous than my penguin pyjamas as it totally swamped me.  
“Come on then” he put a hand to the small of my back and started to steer me towards the stairs. Shannon Leto has his hand ON MY BACK and I’m wearing his jumper, I wish I had my phone so I could text my friend and tell her or take stalker type photos and put them on my Facebook “I didn’t know you worked out of this building, but I was wondering why Jared had taken to hanging around here so much, ANYWAY in you come” he held a door open for me, these Leto boys certainly had good manners. WAIT did he just say Jared had been hanging round here? WHY is Jared Leto hanging round HERE? “Look who I found downstairs locked out of her studio…”  
I looked across the room and saw Terry Richardson taking photos of Jared Leto, great, Terry Richardson AND BOTH Letos? Kill me now, seriously…  
“Amelia are you wearing penguin flannel pyjamas?” OH shut the fuck up Jared Leto you once went on stage in slippers.  
“NO it’s new in Hot Topic this week, all the cool kids are wearing it, you’re just too behind the times, Shannon, phone?”  
“Hi Amelia, I heard you had the studio downstairs, I didn’t realise you lived there too… I’m Terry it’s nice to meet you, I’m a big fan of your work” Terry held his hand out to me and I had to pull back the sleeve on Shannon’s jumper to free my hand to shake his.  
“Thank you, I don’t live there I just stay there sometimes when I need to finish something… and I locked myself out, Shannon was going to lend me his phone to call the building super to come let me back in” Shannon handed me his phone, should I search through it and see what’s on it like a stalker fan girl? Or do I just want to get the fuck out of here? I want to just get the fuck out of here, I typed in the super’s number and he answered after two rings, sounded drunk and said he couldn’t come down because his dog was sick but he’d be there in the morning, yeah right you’re drunk and getting some aren’t you fucker? I hung up with a heavy sigh and handed Shannon’s phone back to him, figuring I was just going to go sit in the hallway probably nod off before it came to me, I’d left the window open, the window that led to the fire escape. I crossed Terry’s studio and headed for the window pulling it open and sticking my head out “Yeah I thought so, I can get in through the window, so yeah I’ll just climb down the fire escape”  
“I don’t think so little one…” Shannon Leto freaking manhandled me away from the window, seriously I’m not going to jump, I just want to get back into my cosy cot and wake up, pretend this was all a dream and never think of it again, and who are you calling little? You’re not exactly the tallest man ever are you? “I’ll go down and let you in” WAIT is my studio suitable for Leto presence? Probably not, I don’t think it’s even suitable for me to be in most days, but before I could say anything otherwise he was out of the window and climbing down the fire escape.  
“Well, Terry it was nice to meet you, I will leave you to… whatever this is” What Jared? WHAT? You’ve been staring at me for the past minute.  
“I’ll walk you down” why? It’s not far, please Jared just go away and forget you ever saw me, especially in my pyjamas “Terry I’ll be back… in a while…”  
I didn’t even want to know what that meant. We walked down the stairs in an uncomfortable silence, me burying my face in Shannon’s sweatshirt more to try and hide from the situation than to smell it, although it did smell nice. He was waiting at the door when we got there, a smug look on his face. As he held open the door I started to pull up his sweater to take it off, it was over my head when I felt the cold across my chest, a cold that meant I’d pulled my own top up as well. Oh for Christ’s sake at least I was wearing a bra. I suddenly felt hands pulling my pyjama top back down and muffled laughter. It was his own fault for having stupid sweatshirts that I got stuck in.  
“Here” I pushed the crumpled jumper into his hands unable to tell which of them had stopped me from flashing them as Shannon was now in the corridor and Jared was holding the door open “Thanks”  
“Right… well Amelia it was nice to see you, I’m sure our paths will cross again”  
“You can call me Emmy” because the both of you saying my full name in that slight southern drawl thing you’ve got going on is ridiculous… ridiculously hot “And thank you for the sweater and letting me use your phone”  
“Anytime ma’am” he did a little bow before he started to climb up the stairs, Shannon Leto called me ma’am and bowed at me, I think I might actually be asleep and dreaming or I’m awake and hallucinating. I shake my head as he vanishes back towards Terry’s studio. Mental note, get better pyjamas before all of young Hollywood see you in these with they come to party upstairs with Uncle Terry, OR move studio spaces and keep pyjamas.  
“Are you coming in or not?” right now Jared I’d rather not, I’d rather be at home in bed without having to look at you standing in my art studio in your tight jeans and jacket with red sequined cuffs that looks like you skinned Dorothy’s feet and me in my pyjamas that were going in the trash.  
“Err… yes sorry” I manage to walk past him into the studio without falling over my own feet. I expected him to leave but instead he pulled the door closed behind him with him in my studio. Jared Leto is in MY studio and there’s no one else here just me and him. I will not bite him, I will not bite him I will NOT bite him. I will not throw my arms around him and call him Jordan. Should I offer him a drink? No there’s only half a cup of cold coffee on the floor, should I talk to him? What the fuck do you say to Jared Leto?  
“Do I get to call you Emmy as well?” Jared Leto you can call me whatever the fuck you want standing there looking at me with your big blue eyes, like a vampire, seriously how old are you? Because you don’t look any different to when you WERE Jordan and I wore my painting dungarees as serious fashion.  
“If you like…” He’s gone to stand in front of a piece I’m not finished with yet, the piece that I was trying to finish tonight when I had to go to bed only to be woken up by a Leto sex party.  
“I think maybe this one needs a little work” excuse me? Did I bust into your house while you were making Artifact and tell you that This is War needed a little work? No I did not Jared Leto, I wish I had, I liked the plaid shirt you wore practically all the way through that and would like to see how it would look on my bedroom floor.  
“It’s not finished yet”  
“How do you know when it is finished? Don’t get me wrong Emmy I love your work…” Wait… what? “And they all look unfinished which is the point I know, so how when you’re making a work to look unfinished do you yourself know it’s finished?” How do you even know the point of my work? What are you even talking about? Stop standing there looking interested in MY work and go and I don’t even know, just go…  
I shrugged my shoulders “Sometimes I don’t but no one else knows that, THAT’S THE POINT…” he looked confused so I continued “Look if you recorded a song and instead of it ending by fading out or blending into the next track it just stopped half way through you would say that it was supposed to be like that wouldn’t you? Not that you couldn’t think of an ending”  
“SO it’s about open endings?” he puts one hand to his chin which makes him look like a Bond Villain, seriously Jared stop, I can smell your aftershave and I’d like to have a think about it, in the dark, ALONE.  
“It’s a never ending story”  
“Did you just quote my lyrics to describe your art? Or are you referencing the film? Because I was totally referencing the film in the lyrics so really we’re both talking about a movie with a flying furry dragon” Right I really did fall down the rabbit hole because this is the fucking weirdest shit that’s ever happened to anyone, never mind just me “Well I should collect Shannon and go home to bed and enjoy not being stuffed in a tomb like tour bus bunk” Are you now talking to me about your bed? Are you trying to kill me? “It really was nice to see you again Emmy” and then without warning his face got close to mine… what are you doing Jared? Have I got paint on my face? I’ve probably got paint on my face… Nope you kissed me on the cheek, right that’s it I’m going to bite you and tell you that your sleepy hawk haircut and naughty face is more pornographic than most of you porn but he’s half way out the door while I’m still trying to register Jared Leto kissing my cheek at 3am while I’m in my penguin pyjamas “Bye Emmy”  
I manage to put my hand up in a wave and bid him goodbye before the door clicks shut and I’m scrambling for my cell phone, this is too much to text so I hit dial instead to get a groggy sounding friend on the other end of the line “Dude I know its 3am BUT…”  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
The next time I saw Jared Leto he didn’t see me. But I sure as hell saw him, strutting across the stage, making obscene hand gestures pouring water over himself and then shaking it off like a shaggy dog. A really attractive wearing pants that are too tight shaggy dog. I moved away when he launched himself in the crowd and spent the rest of the Hollywood Bowl show laughing as girls ran past me shrieking that they’d managed to touch his super shiny hair.  
“Fan girls for this band get fucking crazier every week…” exclaimed my friend V as we walked back to my car. I could have had back stage VIP tickets my agent was always trying to get me to accept places on guest lists so my photograph could be taken and I would gain more interest in my paintings from people who read the gossip pages. Only I wasn’t interested, I didn’t want to stand around with my tits out backstage looking like a desperate groupie I wanted to be out front with the fans going crazy over the MUSIC. Only I kept my feelings about inappropriately groping the lead singer totally under wraps unlike the majority of tonight’s audience.  
“Emmy right?”  
“Excuse me?” I looked to my right past V and saw his assistant looking straight at me. Shouldn’t you be somewhere else? Like fending off marriage proposals being thrown at your boss?  
“You’re Emmy Henry right?” she was looking at me as if I was totally mental  
“Yeah she’s Emmy, I’m V, and we are going home, so if you’ll excuse us…”  
“Jared saw you, in the pit, wanted to know if you wanted to come back and say hello I’ve been out here for AGES looking for you I told him he was seeing things…” How does she even know what I look like? Or who I am? I looked at V who was looking half pissed off from getting squashed in the pit, neither of us being of any great stature, and half what the fuck is going on right now?! Welcome to my world V, welcome to my world…  
“Well erm…” I heard a radio crackle in his assistant’s hands, people were starting to stop and stare at her because they knew who she was and where she could potentially take them.  
“Hello? Jared I’ve told you, you have to push the button to speak or I can’t hear what you’re saying… for fucks sake”  
“I said Shayla did you find her…” I felt V’s hand grip mine very suddenly as his voice rang out through the walkie talkie  
“Yes I found her but she’s going home with her friend…”  
“We’re not going anywhere except with you” V looked Shayla up and down “Right Emmy?”  
Really V REALLY? I’m a hot sweaty mess, my eyeliner is running down my face and not in a tribute to Winehouse kinda way, and you want to throw me into the lion’s den with Jared Leto’s hot weirdness? “Ok…”  
Shayla slipped the walkie talkie back into her pocket, and took out a roll of brightly coloured VIP stickers from the other attaching one to my arm and one to V’s leg “Ok ladies, if you’ll follow me…”  
We were led through a maze of corridors, slipping away from the hustle and bustle of people leaving the show, far away from girls trying to get back stage with their tits out. I was sure I saw the girl who asked Jared to rape her face, but was pulled away by V before it could register properly because if it was her, I would have punched her, no regrets.  
“Ahhh there you are Shayla, what took so long? Look it’s not hard to find her” Jared Leto was looking me up and down, inching towards me. What are you doing Jared? STOP it, please “She’s very small and usually covered in paint but tonight it’s eyeliner” What the fuck is that? Is that your hand? Why is your hand coming towards my face? Are you actually wiping my smudged eyeliner away? Yes you are AND NOW WHY is your face coming towards me? You’re all sweaty… “Emmy a pleasure to see you as always” Did you just kiss me on the cheek? AGAIN?  
I’m never washing my face again I’m going to put up a sign on the side of my cheek that says JARED LETO WAS HERE as tribute “Hello”  
“And who’s this?” Jared looks to V who’s looking slightly like she’s about to swoon if he steps any closer.  
“V”  
“Just V?” an even sweatier Shannon appears, why he is smiling at me like that? Like he knows something I don’t…  
“It’s short for Veronica”  
“Well you are SHORT Veronica that’s for sure…” What is with this man and making jokes about people’s height? Someone needs to talk to him about it. I watch V’s face as Shannon kisses the back of her hand. AT least if I AM dreaming right now I’m sharing the weirdness with my sanest friend who will hopefully reassure me that all of this actually happened tomorrow when I’m back looking at my paintings in the real world.  
“Who’s this?” Tomo is looking at me… What? Christ you’re handsome… Then a look spreads across his face “Ahhh you must be Emmy the artist” Yes, yes I am how do YOU know who I am? And are you wearing a sock on your head as a hat?  
“Did you enjoy the show?” Jared walks away from me and throws a towel over his shoulders  
I would have enjoyed the show even better if you were naked and I was watching you from your bed “Yes”  
“How did you spot her?” V is standing mouth agape at everything going on around us  
“Like I said to Shayla she’s very small, probably covered with paint bears my mark” There’s got to be over a thousand people out there who bear your mark Jared, whether it’s a permanent addition to their skin or crudely drawn on in sharpie. What makes mine stick out from everyone else? “ANYWAY we’re heading home... ”  
“No wild after party?” Did I actually just say that? OUT LOUD? Shannon is smiling, I saw you Leto on the bus with the girls on YouTube don’t think I didn’t because if you’re going to do it again I’m filming it and putting on Tumblr so many glorious gifs of your fine dancing ass can be made  
“Not tonight but we are having a small… party tomorrow at our house if you’d like to come” he put so much emphasis on the word come that I thought I was going to right there, in the middle of the dressing room “But TONIGHT I wanted to check that you were ok, as my brother pointed out to your friend you’re both quite… small, and one minute I saw you in the pit and the next you were gone, I checked with security that they’d not fished your bodies out…”  
Yes well maybe we didn’t want to be crushed in the mass of fan girls as they tried to pull your hair out to see if they could grow their own Jared Leto’s in a top secret laboratory and WHY are you suddenly concerned for my safety, isn’t there a model somewhere with your name on her? “Yeah we… it got a bit much to be honest”  
“You should have said you were coming I could have put you on the list, you could have stood stage side for the whole thing then maybe your eyeliner would still be on straight” And how Jared Leto am I supposed to let you know to put me on a list? Troll you across the internet? Spam your Vryt chats? Look up the location of the Lab on Google earth?  
“Emmy likes the pit too much to be stage side huh?” What? Oh right V was talking to me, while Jared Leto was looking at me over the top of the water bottle he was drinking out of looking like absolute sex, just sex magic.  
“Yes well come and see us tomorrow night…” DID you just wink at me? Can you not?  
“Are you ready to go guys? The cars are waiting”  
“Yes thank you Shayla, can you give the girls the address to the lab please? Ladies see you tomorrow” V and I stood gobsmacked as Shayla programmed an address into my phone and 30 Seconds to Mars left their dressing room. Wait how are WE supposed to get out of here? Shayla handed me back my phone and vanished leaving just me and V alone in the room. I’m sure there’s a lot of people who would take everything that had ever been touched by a Leto and sell it on eBay but right now the adrenaline is wearing off and I realise I’m sweaty, tired and my feet hurt from being trampled by heels, seriously who wears HEELS in a pit?  
“Sexual tension much?”  
“HUH?”  
“Emmy Jared Leto basically just eye fucked you and then asked you round TO HIS HOUSE”  
Yeah he did what the actual fuck was going on with that? Was I actually going to go? It had been bad enough I’d managed to make an utter fool of myself every time our paths had crossed, but at his house? URGH. Seriously I’d seen Pete Wentz, managed to tell him I loved Fall Out Boy and have actually quite a nice conversation about art without the horrific embarrassment that seemed to come hand in hand with seeing a Leto. So being in Leto’s house? NO not a good idea “I… yeah I don’t think I’ll go”  
“Are you mental? Did you take a blow to the head that I didn’t see?”  
“I can’t cope with him he’s just too fucking…. He’s too…”  
“Spit it out woman”  
“He’s TOO JARED LETO” 

I am not going, nope I’m not, I’m not going there is no way or enough time in life to mentally prepare to enter Jared Leto’s home. Not now, not ever. I threw myself into my work, it’s for the best, that way I can avoid the porn, so long as I stay off Tumblr.  
A knock to my studio door disturbs me and my train of thought and I realise I’ve been staring at the same black line for probably about an hour and a half. I pull the door open and am met face to face with Terry AGAIN.  
“Hi Amelia, I was wondering what time you were going to Jared’s party?” How do you know I’m going to Jared’s party which I’m not, because it’s just too much and my ovaries will explode if he looks at me just once “Because I’m heading there myself and was wondering if you and your friend need a ride?”  
What has my life become? How did this happen? Terry Richardson is asking me I need a ride to Jared Leto’s party “Well I’m not really dressed for the occasion and I’ve got work to do so…”  
“Oh I didn’t mean now, it’s only 4pm, but I could collect you if you like? What’s your address?”  
I will not give you my address I will not give you my address BECAUSE I’m not going “Erm…”  
There’s a sound coming from Terry’s phone in his hand he glances down at the screen “OH… Jared’s just sent me your address so I will pick you up about 8?”  
Before I can respond with anything he’s gone and is walking out of the building not just up to his studio. Shit that means I’m actually going to have to go. OR I could move to Nebraska in the next four hours and leave a note on my door “Dear Terry sorry I’ve left the country because being within 10 foot of Jared Leto (and god help me if he’s wearing his denim shirt) will end in disaster. A disaster that ends in me licking his face without his permission Yours Amelia x” WAIT why and HOW does Jared Leto know my address?  
That’s it Leto I am forever done with you and your stupid hair and stupid blue eyes, and most of all I am done with your stupid attractive face that SOMEHOW knows my address. I pulled open my old laptop that I kept in the studio one that didn’t matter that the Y key was stuck down with paint or the battery was held in by masking tape and I logged on to twitter. I don’t use twitter it makes my head spin my agent asked me if I wanted someone to run my account then I wouldn’t have to do it myself which no come on that’s the most ludicrous thing ever. I’m only an artist OK so I’ve sold some paintings to Saatchi and won a Turner Prize but still I’m not… WHAT IS THIS? Why have I got new follower requests from people I don’t know AND IS THAT? Yes that’s a twitter follower request from Jared Leto that he sent in JULY? And one from Shannon sent last week, well this is a ball of crazy that’s just got even crazier.  
V comes charging into my studio “Don’t knock then…”  
“Dude you didn’t tell me Uncle Terry had the studio upstairs?” I still need to buy better pyjamas because of that  
“DUDE I did, the other week when the weirdness happened”  
“That ACTUALLY happened? I thought I’d dreamt you ringing me… ANYWAY he knew who I was! What the fuck is going on with our lives at the moment? Because Terry fucking Richardson just said he would see me later because he was picking us up at 8? What the fuck is going on?”  
“I’m moving to Nebraska… like right NOW” it really is for the best  
“WHY? I thought we were going to a 30 Seconds to Mars party?”  
NO I told you last night I’m NOT going because of all the Jared Leto that will occur “You go I’m going to buy thermal underwear its cold in Nebraska”  
“Emmy don’t… don’t just… come on this is one of your ‘I don’t deserve this’ freak outs isn’t it? The day you got the Turner Prize I had to wrestle you away from buying a one way ticket to Siberia, and nothing bad happened then did it?” NO but there wasn’t a Jared Leto in that room just old art critics and judges who don’t walk around in see through shirts “Oh hey you’ve finally gone on to twitter” V step away from the laptop “There’s a DM here from Jared and one from Shannon AND one from Tracey Emin”  
“A WHAT?”  
“A direct message”  
OH well that makes sense why does everything have to be abbreviated? “Just delete them and turn it off so I can go and get packing boxes”  
“Fuck that Emmy I’m going to read them…” WHY are you laughing? What are you laughing at? “Well Tracey Emin would like to go out for a pint next time you’re in England, called you an artistic genius and said the royal academy can go stick it up their cunts if they don’t like it… I love EMIN” Don’t tell me what Jared’s says just delete it just delete it “Emmy it was a pleasure to meet you today I’m big fan of your work, please let me know when your next show is, Jared x” What? What? “So he knew who you were before you crashed into him and you had to put your head into the freezer to cool off when he held your hand… right let’s look what Shannon has to say… “Emmy nice bra HA, come play with Mars we don’t bite Shan x””  
Nebraska is sounding better by the second right now “Oh, that’s erm… nice RIGHT things to do boxes to pack”  
“Emmy come on, let’s go, you can put on a nice outfit and we’ll go for a little while huh?” Trust me it only takes a second before I will do something stupid “You’ve got to stop hiding in your little bubble here, just break out for a couple of hours… come on we can make duck faces at all the models that will probably be there”  
I hate you I hate you I hate you, you may be my best friend but I hate you so much right now “Fine”  
How did I let myself be persuaded into this HOW? Why am I standing outside my apartment in a dress that V decided I should buy? Luckily I got my own way over wearing heels and there’s a pair of ballet pumps on my feet because I’m bound to fall over anyway, in heels it would just happen quicker.  
“Ladies…” is that your car Uncle Terry? No it’s Jared’s, I know its Jared’s I remember from the day at the gas station because I’m a stalker, I mean because I’ve got a good memory.  
Let me get this straight right now I’ve got to sit in HIS car to get to HIS house “Hello” oh god this car SMELLS like Jared, I haul my ass into the back seat and try not to think about him in the back seat with me because that would only happen in my wildest dreams.  
I can hear V talking to Terry as if they’ve known each other years, occasionally I throw in a ‘”Yuhuh” just so they think I haven’t died when I actually I’m trying to restrain myself from rubbing my face into the soft leather that matches those pants he wears, maybe it was all made from one cow? One glorious soft beautiful cow.  
I look out the window as the car pulls to a stop on the driveway SO THIS is what the lab looks like from outside. I see… and Jared Leto’s bedroom is RIGHT in there, with the staircase that leads up to it where he throws his prey against the wall with his stupid tartan pyjamas and rubber boots and…  
“Emmy are you coming?”  
No V I’m staying here far away from Leto pheromones “Yeah sure”  
Terry actually helped me out of the car which I manage without getting tangled up in my own limbs like Bambi on ice. Right Amelia you need to get a grip on yourself here. V is right you need to break out of your bubble. Surely though just going into the market and talking to people about melons being in season is enough? Why does the outside of the bubble have to contain Jared Leto? Jared Leto who’s coming towards me RIGHT NOW. Oh fuck you are wearing your blue shirt… I will not think sexy thoughts I will not think sexy thoughts.  
Keep your face away from mine Leto or I will lick it I will I fucking will… STOP kissing me on the cheek when you see me unless you want me to accidentally slide my tongue into your mouth “Emmy welcome to the lab allow me to give you the tour” are you holding my hand right now Jared Leto? And not in a you’re just trying to see my Echelon tattoo way…  
I’m led through a maze of rooms and people politely nodding my head at people as we go, Shannon… SHANNON LETO gives me thumbs up as I’m pulled past him. I don’t even know where V is anymore. Why is everyone smiling at me? AND WHY JARED LETO ARE YOU STILL HOLDING MY HAND? I will not lick him, I will not lick him, I will not lick him… HELLO Jordan Catalano I’ve loved you since I was 16 no no no no no NO are those the stairs to your bedroom? I know they are I’ve seen your movie… why are you taking me up them AND NOT pinning me against the wall, STOP you know what I’ll call the cops on myself right after I’ve licked your stupidly attractive face. OH look at that your pyjamas are on your bed. I don’t know how to process this information, can you make up your mind if you want to be cute and fluffy or just pure sex all nearly 6ft of you, is SEX JUST SEX just orgasmic not worrying about your wobbly bits sex.  
OH HOLY HELL NO “Is that?” I point towards the painting on the wall facing his bed, the painting that he wakes up to every morning, the painting that won me the Turner Prize.  
“Yes but it’s only on loan, I was hoping that maybe you’d paint something for me that could live there permanently?” Dam straight it’s only on loan Mr, you can’t wake up every morning to a painting that I made, because that leads to really dirty thoughts, and my brain is going to full enough of them thanks for that, it’s not like I don’t have anything else to do other than think about your fine ass in them tight jeans you wear “Emmy? You know you’re very quiet…”  
Oh you’ve let go of my hand I will not pout I will NOT pout “Erm… yeah sorry, I live in this kind of bubble I suppose where there’s just me and my art, then when I step out of it… YEAH things are WEIRD”  
“Well you should step out of it, I’m surprised I don’t run into you more…”  
“Why would you run into me more?” I no longer have ANY idea what’s going on so may as well go with the flow, and try and keep thinking unsexy thoughts seeing as I’m less than a foot away from heaven aka Jared Leto’s bed.  
“You’re a world famous award winning artist you should socialise with your artistic peers didn’t someone say you were the new Banksy? Or maybe for all I know you are Banksy and you just changed direction”  
I laughed loudly before I could stop myself “Now see there lays your problem it’s a common misconception that Banksy is just ONE being”  
“Interesting…” He’s stroking his chin and looking at me like I hold the keys to the universe which could you please stop “SO you’re not Banksy, BUT you know who is…”  
“I never said I wasn’t Banksy I said it’s a common mistake that people think Banksy is ONE PERSON”  
He led out a loud laugh “Amelia, Amelia, Amelia you’re quite the enigma aren’t you?”  
“Emmy?” I hear V’s voice filter through to my ears  
“Yeah we’re in here…” and I am in NO way thinking about rugby tackling you to the bed Jared Leto NOT AT ALL am I wondering what you look like UNDER your denim shirt with your PIA tattoo and…. “Ahhh good evening Veronica… and Shannon hello”  
“Enjoy the tour Emmy?” Shannon comes over and squeezes me, like this big squishy bear hug that I’ve seen in photos so many times and now it’s wrapped round me all soft hair big arms and beard. AND SMELLS SO NICE “Jared likes to just sit up here and look at it” he points to my painting.  
Jared Leto just sits and looks at my painting? Well Shannon sometimes I like to just sit and look at him and his weird attractiveness via the internet of course “Are you two having some great big debate about art? If so I’m going to go stare at that boy’s hair out back, it’s amazing”  
“You must mean Jamie, yes his hair is very special” Jared lets out this loud laugh that startles me back into the room and from the fantasy I was having that I was stood in Jared Leto’s bedroom. NO I’m still stood in Jared Leto’s bedroom “Emmy sorry I’m a dreadful host would you like a drink?”  
Alcohol lots of alcohol that’s the only way I’m gonna be able to do this “Have you got any Jack Daniels?”  
“A bourbon girl, I like a woman who likes their liquor” I bet you do Shannon Leto, I bet you do.  
I turn to follow Shannon and V out of the room, Jared is still looking at my painting like I’ve told him something he didn’t know before and now he’s looking at it with new eyes, big blue hypnotising eyes “SO you will paint me something that I won’t have to give back then?”  
Will you paint me like one of your French girls? “Of course, don’t talk to my agent or dealer though, just…”  
“We should discuss it Emmy over dinner” excuse me? I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon, I’m not being seen IN PUBLIC with you, I’ll die and the cause of death will be dramatic swooning “I will cook for you, yes that’s a better idea… come on let’s go get you a drink”  
Well this officially the weirdest night of my life, and recently my life has been crazy I’m hallucinating call the mental hospital weird. One minute I’m painting away in my studio minding my own business happy to be selling paintings and avoiding the ‘fame’ and the next I’m at a house party with NOT ONLY Thirty Seconds to Mars but all my other favourite bands too. I should have known they all travelled in packs, packs of death by hot band member. It’s lucky that Shannon keeps plying me with alcohol because alcohol makes me open my mouth at appropriate points in conversation and actually speak to people not just stand mouth open before shouting ‘OH MY GOD YOU’RE GERARD WAY, NO I MEAN YOU ARE GERARD WAY, SERIOUSLY ARE YOU AWARE OF THIS?’  
I’m hovering in the kitchen thinking about maybe drinking some water when from the corner of my eye I see MY FRIEND being touched perhaps a little inappropriately by one of All Time Low, are they old enough to be touching up thirty something’s in Jared Leto’s kitchen?  
“Hey Emmy there you are…” HELLO SHANNON LETO your eyes are like melted chocolate do you know that? “Are you ok?”  
“You are SO fluffy” shit I said that out loud, SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT  
“Erm thanks” are you blushing? That’s adorable, like Jared’s pyjamas, seriously how did you two come about? One minute you’re soft and fluffy next minute you look like you’ve just stepped out of The Joy of Sex.  
Water I need water, AND BED oh bed, where is my bed? “Sorry I need water” Christ I’m sleepy, I need to go home NO I don’t want to ever go home I want to stay here with the contents of my iTunes and eat donuts.  
“Ahhh sorry, think this is my fault” Shannon hands me a bottle of water that he fished out of the sink. GOD your hands are REALLY big and so manly Shannon.  
“What’s going on?”  
“V you have lipstick all time low, I mean all over your face” I manage to get a gulp of water into me without spilling down myself, I think.  
“Shannon you dick, how many JDs has she had? She can’t drink for shit she once had a large wine in Vegas and tried to swim in the Bellagio fountains shouting that she was the lizard queen”  
“Sorry I didn’t know, I thought all artists were hard core drinkers?”  
“Pollock drank himself to death…”  
“Yes thanks for that statement Emmy… Shannon can you call us a cab?”  
Oh no here comes Jared. NO NO NO. LETO ALERT, the kitchen floor looks so comfy right now “Amelia?”  
Don’t call me Amelia PLEASE or so help me god I’m not going to be able to stop the word vomit “Jared Leto, YOU ARE…” my arm is raised into a point at him because apparently I cannot control my limbs anymore “I’m SO TIRED” my limbs have gone from pointy to all floppy  
I feel arms around me, where are they coming from? Yup they’re Jared’s… Are you? What are you doing? Do not pick me up like that, cradling me in your arms, AGAIN what are you doing? “Come on little pea, let’s get you home” Did you just call me little pea? What the fuck does that mean? My friends used to call me that at art school, which by the way Jared Leto you did not go to… SO how do you know to call me little pea?  
“We’ll get a cab…” yes V let’s get a cab, and if you could also get Leto to unhand me before I inappropriately touch him that would be great too  
“Jamie can drive us, Shannon you stay here…” I’m not going to open my eyes because if I do there’s going to be Jared Leto staring at me and I can’t cope “She’s not likely to puke is she?”  
“Nah she’s good, she just goes to sleep, might say some random things, like she’s a golden god or perhaps sing Amy Winehouse for a bit….”  
My hand reached up to Jared’s face before I can stop it and I’m squeezing his chin “I cried for you on the kitchen flooooooooor” my hand falls back down into my lap, thank god, I’m never washing my hand again, his skin is SO soft.  
“And there she goes…” yes laugh V very funny, I’m in Jared Leto’s arms drunk and warbling Amy Winehouse at him my life is officially over, SEE this is why I don’t come out of my bubble “…So embarrassing” I will not put my face in to his shirted chest and sniff him I will not, I will not this shirt is SO soft though  
Luckily for me the party seems to be ending and there’s only a straggle of people left that my drunken brain recognise as being part of the Mars crew, so I’m not seen by hoards of people as I’m carried, CARRIED by Jared Leto across the living room and out the front door. Jamie is already stood by a Range Rover with the back door open and I’m slid on to the back seat with the door closing behind me. I let my head fall against the window slightly as everyone else climbs in. I’m praying that V sits on the back with me, but no she has to sit in the front and flirt with Jamie’s hair. Great so I’m sat alone in the back of this car, fuck it I’m going to sleep with my head against this really comfy window. It feels like there’s someone in the back of the car, god I AM DRUNK… but there’s hands pulling at my shoulders, pulling me away from the window, but the window is SO comfy.  
“Little pea, don’t smush yourself over there, it’s a big car come on”  
If I didn’t know any better I would swear my head is on Jared Leto’s knee right now “Sorry”  
“Don’t be sorry, Shannon is terrible at pouring measures” and he likes to get girls DRUNK so they end up semi-conscious on his brothers knee apparently  
Is your hand on my head? “Little pea…” I don’t even know how I’m awake anymore “How do you know? Me little pea?” that made perfect sense in my head  
I hear a soft laugh from above me “I looked up your art school exhibition catalogue and it said little pea in brackets underneath your name, it just kind of stuck in my head…” Oh that explains a lot Jared WHY are you looking up my art school exhibition? “Then when you ran into me in Whole Foods I was so embarrassed because I couldn’t actually remember your proper name, and I thought I can’t call her little pea the first time I meet her…” Is your hand stroking through my hair? Because that feels really nice right now “Luckily you introduced yourself… then you completely confused me in Starbucks by using your full name, but you know what I like little pea so I’m sticking with that” 

Oh god I have no recollection of how I got in my bed, how did I get into my apartment? Oh crap I made a fool of myself didn’t I? Well that’s it no more outside of the bubble for me, only my safe warm artistic painting bubble from now on, NO more Leto, NOPE not happening. I’ll move my studio here to my apartment that way I won’t have to ever run into them again. Yes that’s the best plan I’ve ever heard. But right now I’ve got an exhibition that needs to have work completed for it which means I’m going to have to haul ass out of here and down to my studio. SHIT.  
I’ve barely been in my studio five minutes, I’ve got some Manic Street Preachers blasting out so I must have missed the knock at the door but all of a sudden there’s two Letos in my studio. For god’s sake can you at least have the decency not to look massively attractive? When I’m standing here looking like I’ve been dragging through a hedge backwards, AND BOTH OF YOU STOP KISSING ME ON THE CHEEK, especially when I can’t hear what you’re saying over James Bradfield’s screeching… “Sorry what?” I finally found the stereo remote in my pocket.  
“I said Good morning Little Pea, Shannon has something for you” Jared walks across my studio and hurls himself down on the leather arm chair I dragged in from the sidewalk one night. How did you even know I was here? Are you stalking me?  
Shannon brandishes a Venti Starbucks cup at me with an apologetic smile, oh so it’s adorable Shannon today? Great… “Thanks…” OH MAN ITS PUMPKIN SPICE Shannon Leto bought me a pumpkin spice latte, let me kiss your weirdly long Disney princess eyelashes please  
“It’s ok its soy not dairy, fellow Vegan” HOW do you know these things about me Jared Leto?  
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry for getting you so drunk” You are full on adorable, standing there looking sorry with your pea coat on and your hair all fluffy like you’ve just washed it, I wonder what your shampoo smells like?  
“I could have not drunk half of what you gave me but thank you”  
“Yes well I’m going to go see Terry about the photos from last night…” there were photos? Oh crap, OH CRAP great and they’ll probably end up on the internet too, my agent is either going to kiss me or kill me when I get tagged in them, WAIT Shannon don’t leave me alone with your brother please? Nope you’ve gone GREAT I will just concentrate on my paint brush and not the hotness of Jared Leto sitting in my studio  
“Are you ok?”  
“I’m fine, embarrassed but fine thank you” I hope I didn’t say anything stupid last night like how much I want to lick your face  
“You have nothing to be embarrassed about, from what I see you work hard but you never play hard, you should you know… come out to play more often, like I said last night meet with your peers, you know let loose”  
“Right well I’ve got a lot of work to do so…” and if you could take your fine ass out of here that would be great.  
“Don’t mind me… can I use your laptop?”  
WHY are you so hard to say no to? “Sure…” Hurry up and come and collect your brother Shannon before I crawl in to his lap and ask him to Hurricane me in the middle of my studio “Oh the Y key sticks and careful the battery is taped in…”  
“Why do you do it?”  
“Do what?” I’m not looking at you, no I’m not but I can feel you looking at me so you know if you couldn’t do that would be great  
“Lock yourself up in here? Drive a shitty car? Have broken pieces of technology? I know Saatchi would buy everything you paint if you let him, why aren’t you enjoying the life you’ve made for yourself?”  
“Erm…”  
“Sorry did I over step a mark there? We’re friends aren’t we?” Are we Jared, can we not be friends with benefits instead? Can I not just crawl into your lap right now? “I know people tell me to take a step back and look around every so often”  
WHAT am I supposed to say to you? One you’re Jared Leto, Two YOU Jared Leto have just said we’re friends and THREE WHAT? “Well I like to keep a low profile I guess, plus that laptop is the one I leave here that doesn’t matter if I splash paint on it, and as for my car well I will have you know I’m very attached to it, and it also doesn’t matter if I splash paint on it”  
I watch as he shrugs his shoulders slightly and laughs “Well I suppose my art doesn’t make a physical mess…” I don’t know Jared what about the mess of rampaging oestrogen that you cause? “So can I have your phone number or am I going to have to continue to stalk you until I can work up the courage again to ask for it?”  
I am going to choke on my latte, because I’m fairly certain Jared Leto just asked for my phone number in a really non smooth I’m the mac daddy way. And no Jared you can’t because then ultimately that would mean I had YOUR number and you may get me calling you heaving breathing down the phone at you at 3am on a rainy Wednesday trying to make you sing Alibi to me. I looked round at him sat in the chair, laptop on his knee, top to toe in black, and he was blushing, Jared Leto is actually blushing, I thought nothing fazed you Jared or made you sweat it like the normal people? “You can have it if you tell me how I got in to my pyjamas last night” Did I say that? Yes I think I did because he’s laughing, putting the laptop back on the floor and walking over to me.  
STOP! Stop right there Leto, why are you coming so close to me? Are you putting your lips to my ear? Oh crap you can hear my heart beating can’t you? “Sadly it wasn’t me that wrestled you into your onesie… BUT I did tuck you in… so can I have your phone number? Please…”  
“Jay are you ready to… oh sorry…” Shannon thank god, Jared got a bit too close there, YOU ARE MY HERO! My attractive rugged hero… I managed to move away slightly from Jared, pick up a silver box and hand him over a business card with all my contact info on, which he accepted with a smile and slipped into his pocket, before kissing me on the cheek AGAIN “Emmy? You can go see the photos from last night if you like, I made Terry delete all the ones of Jared carrying you to the car, even though it was funny as hell, you looked like… I don’t know like you’d swooned or something and you should have been wearing a petticoat”  
Shannon Leto can you not talk to me about petticoats because now my head is going to be full of… Sense and Sensibility meets 30 Seconds to Mars and… NO “Thanks and thanks for the coffee”  
“Anytime…” stop winking at me, it’s like melted Nutella on toast when you do  
“Little Pea I’ll be in touch, don’t forget I’m cooking you dinner”  
“Not tonight I’m washing my hair…” Both of them burst into hysterical laughter “What? I am! It smells like bourbon”  
“No not tonight, I’ll call you, or maybe if you ever joined the 21st century I could tweet you…” Just out of my studio both of you, you’re weird, and apparently we’re now friends. I need to lie down and re-evaluate my life choices it would seem “Bye Little Pea” They both turn around and wave at me as they leave my studio pulling the door closed behind them.  
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called V “Hello…”  
“V shit just got weird Jared Leto just asked me for me phone number”  
“Emmy I told you, he kept eye fucking you, he carried you to the car, he stroked your hair, and after I’d wrestled you into you pjs he literally tucked you in, while you mumbled about Jordan Catalano, I was supposed to give him your number but I got distracted by Jamie’s hair, it’s… lovely”  
“Urgh I hate my life”  
“No you don’t, just… go with the flow more ok? Stop freaking out hiding in your studio and go out and enjoy yourself, I’ve got to go but don’t spazz out and pack your bags and move to Alaska because people actually want to spend time with you… promise?”  
“Promise” as I hang up the phone I’ve got my fingers crossed behind my back as I say it because I’m actually still 5 years old  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
I keep getting text messages from Jared Leto. It’s weird. One day he sends me links to art that he likes and we have a huge text debate about it. Then the next day he’ll tell me that he hopes I have a good day and remember to clean my glasses when I leave the studio and try not to trip up over my own feet. And then there’s the days when he makes suggestive remarks to me and I have to go and have a lay down and think about it in a darkened room, where I can’t imagine the smell of his cologne or how his ass looks in those weird patchwork leggings things he insists on wearing. And god help me on the days he decides to facetime with me, because all of a sudden I’m face to face with those eyes and he starts singing to me or we talk while we eat, like a date but not. Seriously what is going on with my life? If it hadn’t been for V’s textual flirtations with Jamie’s hair (he’s stored in her phone as Hair Bear) I would think my fan girl imagination I had got the better of me and none of it was actually happening.  
Sometimes I don’t know what’s worse, having something suddenly thrust upon you that you’ve got to do, so you have a panic attack OR know that you’ve got to do something for ages so your panic slowly builds. I’d been a good girl and communicated with him, even when I wanted to run away and tell him he was just too much for my female sex organs to take. Or restrain myself from just licking my ipad screen when he called.  
I thought I’d got ages before he was going to cook me dinner, but it stuck up on me, apparently I’d not been paying attention to when he told me he was coming back to Los Angeles. But HEY YOU try actually listening to what Jared Leto is saying to you when all you want to say to him is blah blah blah Jared why don’t you take your clothes off and come get under my Snuggie with me?  
I’m flapping, I’m supposed to be at the Lab in an hour and I’m still in my painting dungarees. I seriously debate just going in them, like a comfort blanket to protect me from his beautiful face, but V’s in my apartment tearing through my clothes looking for something to wear for an official date with the Hair Bear and I have a feeling that even if she has to strip me naked and force me into something herself she will.  
“What are you going to wear?” well nothing from the pile of MY clothes you’ve just thrown on the floor Veronica seeing as now they’re all crumpled and you told me that they were all awful while you threw them over your shoulder “Because you can’t go in your painting dungarees seeing as you’ve had them since both Letos were in My So Called Life… AND don’t even think about having one of I’m not going wails because I will drag you there by the hair if I have to”  
“Bit harsh V”  
“Here wear this” she thrusts a dress at me that I think makes me look like I should be in Little House on the Prairie “No maybe not… how about this” she holds a top up that I’ve had for years and is comfy but still looks fancy enough “Yes this one… right come on” I’m met with a sequined top to the face “You can wear your jeans with it, I’ll drive you over”  
V gets me to the Lab before the panic can set in much more than it already has. Jared is waiting for me on the doorstep, he’s actually waiting for me on the doorstep literally sat on the stoop looking like he isn’t the scariest man on the face of the planet. As the car pulls to a stop on the driveway he’s walking over and opening the car door for me. Are you now some kind of 18th century gentleman? Can we switch back to sexual predator Jared?  
“Little Pea” Did you… are you offering your hand out to help me out of the car, I let my hand move towards his without thinking too much about it, his skin is SO soft, Jared your skin is SO soft. I’m on my feet and out of the car as he closes the door behind me he’s getting a little bit close to my face again but he’s coming at me forwards not towards my cheek, I don’t think I like this. Oh god his lips are on mine, Jared Leto’s actual lips are touching my own as he pulls away from me smiling I can see V sat in the car laughing her ass off at me “Hey… hello… shit sorry I erm… I’m pleased to see you” he starts blushing and leads me into the house “Are you ok?”  
I mentally slap myself across the face, trying not to raise my hand to my face to feel my lips to see if they’re actually still there “Yeah hi…” I’m NOT going to throw my arms around him. I AM NOT. Dammit JARED what the fuck are you and WHY ME? “It’s nice to see you”  
He’s brought me into the kitchen and pulled out a chair for me to sit on I manage to get my ass on it without falling or missing the chair completely “SO I erm ordered takeout I hope that’s ok? I got these vegan Caesar salads they’re pretty good, and I remember you telling me that they’re your favourite” he’s blushing again headed for the refrigerator pulling out two cartons putting one down in front of me with a plastic fork in the lid “Something to drink? I don’t drink but would YOU like a drink drink?”  
“Diet coke?” I am not repeating my drunken idiocy soft drinks may be for pussies but it’s safest  
“That we do have, is it ok in the can? I hate doing the dishes”  
“Sure thanks” what is going on here? You seem like a normal guy… I will NOT be lulled into a false sense of security here Leto “Err…” I should make conversation that’s what normal people do, but then I’m a socially retarded awkward artist and he’s Jared Leto “How was erm… tour?”  
He sits down next to me, not opposite me NEXT TO ME, Jared you are too close to me, I can smell your aftershave again and that plaid shirt, you in plaid and those kind of weird sweatpants things you’ve got on, it just DOES things to me, things that are best left for me to think about alone NOT when you’re practically sat on my lap “Tour was tour, I love it, or I wouldn’t do it, I must admit though having your company this time was erm… a pleasant change”  
“I love these things…” my brain was being over whelmed by my favourite food and thankfully slightly switched off to the charms of Jared Leto “I like talking to you too”  
“I feel like it’s me usually doing the majority of the talking, while you just look behind me with that I’m a supreme artistic being thing you’ve got going on”  
It was a good job I didn’t have a mouthful of diet coke or I would have spat it out at that comment “Sorry…” I think that was a good response, yes it’ll do, for now.  
“It’s ok, I think about what would happen if you DID talk more…”  
“And?” my mouth is not connected to my brain anymore and is just making appropriate sounds while my mind has gone somewhere near Jared’s pants. SHIT. DON’T BLUSH! He’ll know you’re thinking about him  
“Amelia you must know…” He’s put down his fork and his sat with his whole body pointed towards me looking right at me “I find you massively intimidating”  
“HA! Excuse me what?” I’m actually lost for words and devoid of thoughts  
“You are massively intimidating to me, you are an incredibly talented award winning artist AND you’re one of the youngest published art historians with a PHD to your name, your intelligence terrifies me” Well at least he likes me for my brain, this is a first “Yet you’re so quiet all the time, and I have so much respect for that because if I was as smart as you are I would probably be sat there thinking what is this clown trying to talk to me about art for at 4am? I guess I wish you WOULD talk more because I would LOVE to know what goes on in your head”  
“Erm…” Jared Leto wants to know what goes on in him head this is NOT good  
“Plus you know you’re also incredibly beautiful, even when you are drunk and calling me Jordan or walking around looking like the 90s threw up on you then chucked a can of paint on top for good measure”  
“I erm…” MIND. GONE. BLANK.  
“I guess that’s why I nervously ramble around you… which is what I’m doing now” he moved his hand to rest on my knee, squeezing it slightly, nope Jared Leto’s hand is now VERY close to my thigh, my brains gone again “Amelia say something… tell me what goes on in your head just a little bit” his hand stretches out widely his fingers splayed and he’s still looking right at me with those eyes, god they’re blue like no other Jared, no other.  
“Well ok erm, thank you for the compliments I won’t forget them in a VERY long time, as for what goes on inside my head? Recently I’ve been concentrating on not saying REALLY inappropriate things to you every time I see you or tripping up over my own feet or not doing something awfully embarrassing…”  
“Ok as well as being beautiful you are endearingly cute, I already knew that, I do however think you should tell me about your inappropriate thoughts, I have quite a few of them myself”  
“About me?”  
“Yes about you”  
“Right hold on because I need a minute here, have you looked in the mirror recently? You’re Jared Leto and I’m… just me”  
“So it’s lack of self-confidence thing”  
“It’s a YOU’RE JARED LETO thing, just with your songs and your band and your art and your movies and your plaid fucking shirts and…” OH MY GOD Jared Leto is kissing me, not just a peck to the cheek, not just his lips brushing against mine he is actually kissing me, he’s got his tongue in my mouth, his hand cupping the back of my head, his other still on my knee. Shit what am I supposed to do with my arms? Come on Amelia you’ve kissed guys before. NOT WHEN THEY’RE JARED LETO I HAVEN’T. I manage to pull my arms that totally don’t feel like they’re attached to my body right now and hook them around his neck, which just brings him, closer to me. My body is so close to his I really could be sat in his lap, should I be sat in his lap? I broke the kiss apart, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and awkwardly removed my arms from around his neck.  
“Are you ok?” his face was still dangerously close to mine and I was freaking out  
“You kissed me…” I was desperately trying to get my breathing back under control and not run out of the room and away from Jared Leto who just kissed me  
“I did… I wanted to for…” he sighed slightly “I’m gonna do it again okay?” He took his hand away from my thigh and brought it to my face stroking his thumb across my bottom lip, which made me melt just straight up fucking melt into the chair underneath me, his eyes were just millimetres away from my own, in glorious high definition with all those little flecks of blue and grey and more blue, then his lips were on mine again his teeth pulling my bottom lip outwards and my body is doing strange things like half melting and half exploding I can practically visualise the fucking fireworks going off around my head. I’m desperately trying not to just crawl on to his lap I manage to put my hands on to his thighs which causes its own issues because my fingers are far too close to his crotch. His hands are everywhere stroking through my hair, running down the side of my face, I felt his fingertips slip under the hem of my top and that was my absolute limit.  
“Sorry… sorry… I erm…” I tried to detangle myself away from him  
“Don’t freak out” he firmly laced his fingers through mine, which made my panic double because there’s no way I can get away “Sorry have I gone too far?” he pulled our joined hands towards his mouth and kissed the back of my hand which actually made me visibly shudder, I couldn’t help it “Amelia the enigma are you ok?”  
“You’re lulling me into a false sense of security, being all sweet and lovely so I will let you tie me up and spank me without arguing aren’t you?”  
“Is that what you think about? Me tying you up and spanking you? I will if you want me to, but I was kind of hoping that because it’s more a meeting of minds that I could leave all the erm… BDSM behind, I don’t need any of that for YOU to get me erm… excited” Did Jared Leto just tell me that I excite him? I don’t even care in what capacity, because it’s the greatest thing I’ve ever heard, my inner sixteen year old self is cart wheeling down the street. He put his hand up to cup my face and I couldn’t help it I just couldn’t and I gently sank my teeth into the heel of his palm “Oh you’re a biter? Me and you Amelia are going to get on VERY well” there’s a devilish grin spreading across his face as he used his hand to bring my lips back to his. I’m so done with holding back I’m through with it I’m kissing Jordan Catalano, Bartholomew Cubbins, JARED. LETO and I throw myself on to his lap wrapping my legs around the back of the chair, and pin him to it. HA you’re not going anywhere now Leto. But I hope I’m not squashing you. He doesn’t seem to mind too much as suddenly I feel his fingers on my bare flesh under my top which just makes me push myself further into his lap. When he puts his hand into my hair my hips accidentally slam forwards and oh my god I can feel his erection, HELLO SAILOR, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? I put my hands in HIS hair, god it’s so soft, and he makes this obscene noise as my nails connect with the skin on his scalp. Jared you are one step away from me tying your arms behind your back stripping you naked and pouring melted (vegan) chocolate down you and licking if off. I bet you’d like it, you naughty naughty NAUGHTY boy. There’s a noise that’s assaulting my ears and vibrations coming from near my crotch which would be quite nice if I didn’t know that it was his blackberry ringing “I’m so sorry… I’m going to have to erm…”  
“Oh shit yes sorry” I manage to climb out of his lap with perhaps some grace as I don’t end up on my butt on the floor and get back to sit on my own chair while he answers his infamous blackberry incredibly grumpily. I pull my own phone out of my pocket and see that V has text me a photo that’s JUST of the back of Jamie’s hair as they’re walking wherever it was they’re going.  
“Emmy… I’ve erm, there’s a bit of a disaster with some of the Creeps stock, I’m going to have to go down there and sort it out, the evening is still young though so how about you come with me and then we can erm… yeah…”  
“Sure…” Are we going to be seen in public together? Should I put some more lipstick on? Should I wipe the lipstick away from YOUR face? There are a whole new set of problems arisen that I could never have even dreamed up the answers to “Show me your tummy”  
“Huh?” he’s putting the salad containers in the sink and looking at me scratching his head slightly  
“You said I should tell you what goes on in my head and my head wants to see your tummy” He lifted his shirt slightly and I couldn’t help the wide smile spreading across my face. Jared your tummy is so cute. I want to bite it. And from the look on your face its more than likely you’d let me.  
“Come here” He’s pulling his naughtiest face at me and beckoning me towards him. Yes master? He’s like a vampire pulling me towards him because I tried to stop my body but his arms are round me and he’s kissing me again spinning me round and pushing me up against the sink lifting my leg up slightly to hook round him. I’m grinding against Jared Leto in HIS kitchen.  
“Don’t we have to go somewhere?” not that I want to, I want to stay here, and grind against you.  
“Yes upstairs…” he laughed then sighed “I’m sorry, I hope you understand?”  
“Of course, I’ve been known to drive my paintings across country to their new owners because I HATE not being in control of what’s going on with them when they get shipped”  
“Passion, I like that very much, come on, would you like a jacket? It’s a bit cold outside and it’s really cold in the warehouse” How about you just wrap yourself me to keep me warm? Oh right we’re going out in public. BOO. He hands me a black hoodie that I could easily fit round myself three times over and pulls the hood up over my head putting a small kiss to my lips “You are just the… you’re just the fucking queen of my world right now is what you are, come on, hopefully it won’t take long”  
Jared Leto is beyond gentlemanly. He opened car doors for me he held my hand he zipped up the massive hoodie he’d swaddled me in to keep me warm. And he does it all while eye-fucking me so hard I’m actually convinced that pieces of my clothing are just falling away from my body. I have no idea what he’s saying to me on our journey but he keeps looking over to me and smiling this crazy goofy smile.  
“You’re doing it again”  
“What?”  
“Looking past me…”  
Do you know what it’s like to look at you Jared? “Sorry, I should wear my glasses really” or not because then you can stay slightly blurry and not in high definition  
“You’re as bad as Shannon vain creatures the pair of you, I can’t imagine walking around not being able to see properly, no wonder you trip over your own feet if you can’t see them clearly”  
“I’ll make a note to wear them more often”  
“If you do can you wear JUST them and say big artistic words to me?” Did you just tell me you want to see me naked? I certainly want to see you naked, or do I? God I hope it’s not too scary and what about my stretch marks and slightly wobbly tummy? OH GOD, I need to talk to V about this maybe she can give me a mental slap round the face before we get to clothing removal  
“What kind of big artistic words? Triptych… Postmodernism… Chiaroscuro” I tried to give him a seductive look but I was still distracted by him wanting to see me in ONLY my glasses  
“Say postmodernism again”  
“POST… MODERN… ISM”  
“Oh yeah…” he shut his eyes and threw his head back slightly, Jesus I want to grind against you while you do that  
“JARED! Look at the road!” I was suddenly aware of the car veering towards the side of the road  
“Ooops sorry…” You’re really not that scary at all are you? In fact I think you’re quite funny, more people should know you’re quite funny and that you don’t want to just lure women into your sex dungeon “We’re here...” he pulls the car to a stop outside what I assume is where he ships all his merch stuff from “Shayla’s here but she knows… erm… she knows we were on a date so…. Shall we?”  
He continues his total gentlemanly behaviour by getting to my side of the car and opening the door for me and again offering his hand out. It would seem chivalry is not dead and is living in Jared Leto, who’d have thought it? “Thanks”  
“You’re welcome, are you warm enough? I think I’ve got a jacket in the back of the car somewhere…”  
“I’m fine thank you” he leads me into the building with his arm firmly around my shoulder, I can feel the heat radiating from his body, it feels amazing and like I want to rub my face into his arm pit, NOPE head in the game Amelia, we are where people can see us.  
“Right I’m here what’s the fucking problem? Emmy you can sit over there if you like?” he points towards a big squishy leather arm chair that looks well beaten up and is right next to a mass of power outlets so it’s no doubt this is where he sits and charges all his technology. I take a seat and just watch him. Jared Leto at work and not Jared Leto Thirty Seconds to Mars frontman, no this is Jared Leto businessman.  
“Hey little pea I didn’t know you were here…” God your eyes are beautiful Shannon and your hat looks so fucking snuggly right now  
Make conversation Amelia don’t drown in his eyes, don’t drown in his eyes “Shannon why are you here?” ok that was maybe a bit rude  
“Oh this is the shipping address I use when I buy stuff off the internet, it’s just easier especially if we’re away or whatever, you ok?” he took his hat off and I think part of me died slightly  
“You cut your hair” I actually have no other words seeing as a short haired Shannon, who’s managed to make himself look twenty years younger JUST by cutting his hair off is hovering close to me  
“Yeah it got in the way drumming, what’s going on?” He sits down on the arm of the chair next to me  
“Something to do with creeps stock”  
“OH, did it interrupt your erm… date?”  
MY FACE IN ON FIRE, Shannon has this look that says he knows I was grinding against his little brother in their kitchen “How did you know we were on a date?”  
“Because Jared told me, he talked about you quite a lot on tour, he spent the first week of talking to you telling me you hate him, the second telling me you’re too smart for him to talk to and the third just telling me he wasn’t going to give up… SO what’s your deal?”  
“Erm he scares me quite a lot” if you could make him not that would be super  
“Jared? Scary? You shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet plus I’d say he’s more scared of you than you are of him, just…” Shannon slung his arm around my shoulder and squeezed probably just to torment me with the smell of coffee “Let him in a little bit huh? V told me you have a tendency to freak so just you know chill out, he’s a pussycat really, honest”  
“You talked to V?”  
“Yeah… well I answered Jamie’s phone when she rang, she told me about you freaking out over pretty much everything that involves you leaving your studio, and I agree with her AND Jared you should let loose more often, ok so maybe minus the masses of bourbon, but just you know, come and play a bit more… I was talking to Gerard the other day about your work and he said he didn’t know why he didn’t see you more and THAT guy is the definition of hermit so I dread to think what that makes you”  
WAIT can you not be talking to Gerard WAY about ME Shannon? That’s a bit… something “Erm…”  
“Sorry, I was… he’s my baby brother, I was just making sure you were just SHY not crazy”  
Try socially retarded and awkward “Not crazy, my mother had me tested”  
“I don’t get it…” No you wouldn’t Shannon because Letos have better things to do than sitting around watching The Big Bang Theory “OH WAIT OK Dr Cooper I’m with you… OH you really ARE a Dr aren’t you? Because I’ve got this rash…” he started to lift up his top which caused me to blush even more  
“NOT that kind of Dr Shannon, so unless you have any art history related complaints under your shirt then I can’t help, but if you DO have a rash I suggest any cream with a aloe vera in it if that doesn’t work then you’re just going to have to have your abs amputated” which would be a dreadful shame on the female population of this world  
“HEY you made a joke! In fact you made TWO jokes in the past five minutes, I LIKE this Amelia” he punched me on the top of the arm lightly, well I’m sure in Shannon language it was lightly, for me I’m pretty sure there was going to be a bruise.  
“Are you abusing my artist?”  
“Since when am I YOUR artist?” standing there in your Burberry wool coat like you own my ass Jared, no wait do I want you to own my ass?  
“Don’t make me lick you to mark my territory” My face has just burst into flames I’m sure of it “Anyway we’re done here… Shannon where are you going now?”  
“Wherever you two ARE NOT, I don’t wanna play gooseberry, are you going back to the Lab?”  
I looked at my phone screen to see several texts from V, who was apparently having a wonderful time yet could still find time to text me to ask me if I was naked, it was later than I thought it was and I had an appointment with my twatting Scrooge dealer first thing in the morning “Actually I really need to go home, I have to see my dealer in the morning”  
Shannon’s booming laugh rung out “It makes me laugh so hard when you say dealer because I fully expect you to turn up with a bag of weed and a multipack of Cheetos after you’ve been”  
“NO need for that kind of dealer Shannon, all artists grow their own now, you’re so not down with the hipsters”  
“I can’t tell if you’re joking or not” he’s narrowing his eyes at me but after what Jared told me I’m not sure if he’s giving me a look or just trying to get me into focus  
“I’m joking of course! WHY you want some pot?”  
“Have you got some?”  
“Maybe in the tent that me and V took to Coachella last year, should be good still…”  
“You actually CAMPED at Coachella?” Yes Jared because me and V can get away with it without fan girls trying to crawl into our sleeping bags throughout the night “Come on let’s get you home, you can show me your onesie”  
“WAIT what about the pot?”  
“No one is smoking pot and besides you two couldn’t actually see if it WAS pot and would probably end up smoking Oregano and then everything would smell like pizza for weeks, Shannon I’ll see you at home later, Amelia?” He offered his hand out to me and pulled me out of the arm chair away from Shannon  
“Bye Emmy”  
“Bye Hanny”  
Oh shit Jared Leto is coming into my apartment, where my things are, where the mess is, is it messy? God is the bathroom clean? What if he’s an OCD clean type, I know he’s a germaphobe. Maybe I should not invite him in. No that’s rude and V would kick me in the imaginary balls for that. SHIT. See this is WHY I hide, being outside comes with a totally new set of problems that get even bigger because 100% of the new problems involve Jared fucking Leto. Who’s still being the most gentlemanly gentleman on the face of the planet and actually drove the car with one hand and used his other to hold mine in his lap. He needs to stop putting my hands so close to his crotch. See? MORE problems Jared Leto’s crotch problems I want to touch but I’m either going to make a fool of myself or giggle like a child, maybe even a combination of both.  
“Would you like to come in?” He’s walked me to my door and I’m still convinced he’s lulling me into a false sense of security so next time he invites me over I’ll go willingly when he’s actually going to chain me to the ceiling and whip me while Shannon watches, nope that’s maybe TOO weird or maybe not…  
“I’d love to” you would say that wouldn’t you? Fucker, while looking into my eyes like you’re going to eat me in a really good way  
I opened the door and motioned for him to step inside. The first thing I noticed was the pile of dishes in the sink, then to my absolute horror all my clean and left to dry on the radiator underwear, which of course is the first thing he notices, not the art, not the half done paintings, not my impressive DVD collection NO he notices the fucking panties OH CHRIST “Lace French Knickers?” he’s raising an eyebrow towards me, sorry if they’re not up to your usual standard of ladies undergarments Leto “And Agent Provocateur bras? WELL I had you pegged for much more of a boxer trunks and sports bras kind of girl… just shows you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover OR an artist by her painting dungarees”  
“YES BUT…” shit think fast Amelia “Maybe they’re not mine they could be my house mate’s”  
“One you don’t have a house mate and two…” he’s looking at them quite intently “Size 6?” he looks me up and down nodding “They’re yours”  
“They could just be there in case you came over, maybe I actually DON’T wear them at all they’re just there for decoration”  
He’s drawing me towards him at a rapid rate and pulling my jean waistband away from my hips slightly; looking down “WELL those ones are EVEN BETTER” he pushed his lips against mine with such force that I toppled over the back of the couch where I had been stood “Shit sorry are you ok?”  
Great fucking great, I’m a tangle of limbs on the couch, which thankfully was devoid of my laptop and any other breakable pieces of my life “Fine” SHIT did I say that with a bit of spite? I didn’t mean to, I open my eyes expecting him to be looking down on me from behind the sofa but instead there’s arms pulling me up into a seating position as he settles himself next to me.  
“Sorry again, I didn’t realise you were so erm… light, you weren’t when I carried you but were drunk so more like a dead weight I guess”  
Jeez thanks for that… now on to the more pressing matter I’m sat on my couch with Jared Leto, who’s looking all over apologetic “Would you like tea?”  
“I’d love some, but first…” his lips are back on mine again and I’m being pinned against the back of the couch with some force, at least I manage to loop my arms around his middle without thinking too hard about it this time “I hate not finishing what I started”  
I scrabble out of my seat before he can eye fuck any of my clothes away from my body “Put some music on if you want, the remote is on the arm rest there”  
“Now this IS fancy technology”  
“I like BOSE and I like music, it’s one of the things I don’t mind costing a lot” The screen on the TV jumps to life and brings up my music collection which he happily scrolls through making approving noises while I try to make tea, or rather try and find a cup suitable to give him tea in that’s not chipped or got paint stains on it. I hear Modest Mouse start to fill the room “Oh I love this album, I like the plinky noises”  
“Is that a technical term?” he’s looking round at me over the top of the couch all blue eyed and long haired, I hope you don’t cut your hair I’d quite like to grab it “How did you get to be so clever?”  
“What does that mean?” whoops sounded snappy again be nice Amelia “I mean can you rephrase the question?”  
“You are incredibly intelligent, you have the prowess in your chosen field of someone who’s old enough to be your grandfather how did you do it?” I put a tea cup down on the table in front of him, he smiles at me and laces his fingers through mine and pulls me back to sit down next to him  
“I got sick when I was a teenager”  
“OH I’m sorry I didn’t know, what happened?”  
“I got stomach ulcers which were caused by stress because I was bullied at school, I had to have weeks off at a time and I would just read about art and artists and I just kept going with it I guess”  
“Had you already started painting then?”  
“I’d draw yes, but the style I use I didn’t develop until my last year of my bachelor’s degree, because I was happy with it and other people seemed to be too, I didn’t feel the need to further my artists education any further and concentrated just on art history”  
“And you write about porn?”  
“I write about the difference between art and pornography”  
“Is there a difference?”  
“NO if you’ve got enough sway as an artist to say something is art and not porn doesn’t fucking matter what anyone else says even when it’s blatantly PORN”  
“I see…” he’s picked up his tea cup and is just blowing on the surface of the liquid, which is why I’m glad I’m NOT wearing my glasses because they’d be beyond steamed up by now “Can you give me an example? I tried reading your thesis online but I didn’t understand anything beyond your name”  
“SO there’s an artist called Jeff Koons right? the guy who did the Gaga cover… he married this woman who was running for president of Italy BUT she was also a porn star, so Koons took loads of photos of him and his wife having sex on the scenes of really famous Impressionist paintings, but these weren’t just soft-core porn, this was full on penetration shots porn, and it was before the internet so stuff like that wasn’t readily available and everyone went it’s porn and he just kind of shrugged and went fuck you all, I’m an artist therefore it’s art”  
“And what do YOU think it is?”  
“I think it’s fucking tacky is what I think it is”  
“That’s what got you your PHD?”  
“There’s a bit more to it than that, there’s art that’s sexual but people think it’s just art, like these people Jean Claude and Christo they wrap things, like building and bridges in masses and masses of fabric, it actually represents putting condoms on”  
“I don’t get it”  
“Architecture mostly is just penis extensions”  
“I thought that was sports cars”  
“Yes them too but think about it, skyscrapers are effectively just massive steel erections it’s always about who can build the biggest, then Jean Claude and Christo come a long and wrap it up like a dick, it’s kind of about power as well. Then there’s art that deliberately references sex, a lot of 17th century paintings were actually the earliest forms of pornography and they were reproduced and sold as postcards at gentlemen’s clubs they were never supposed to be hung in national galleries”  
“And now I understand why you’re so highly regarded, you really are incredibly intelligent, it scares me”  
“Well I find you as a whole fairly terrifying” OOPS think that was supposed to just be a thought not something to be said out loud.  
“Please don’t; I’d like this very much to be the start of something, what do I have to do to prove I’m not as scary as you think?”  
Did you just say you want ME to be your something? Don’t freak out. DON’T. FREAK. OUT! Go with your gut “If you WEREN’T terrifying you wouldn’t be you then you wouldn’t be half as alluring”  
“Good answer, we’ll work on it” he put down his tea cup and kissed me again all fruit tea lips, melting me into the back of the couch again “Now you have an appointment in the morning so get to bed, I’m going to go and do some more work on Creeps, but I’d like it if you came over to the Lab after your appointment we could go out somewhere for the afternoon unless you have any other plans?”  
“Not that I know of” I should be painting but I kind of want to spend my afternoon kissing you and grinding against you in the kitchen I don’t actually care if people see us.  
“Good, I think we should take this slowly, so you can keep your underwear to yourself… for now” I did my best not to just slide down the couch back and into a melted puddle of what was once Amelia on the floor “Although PLEASE give me a peek of your bra before I go” I pulled my top forwards without even thinking about it and his head got so close to my chest that his hair was tickling my neck and I really did start to slide down the couch slightly as he put a butterfly kiss to my clavicle “VERY nice… right I’m going…” his eyes were so close to mine again his lips even closer and he put the smallest kiss to my lips “Goodnight Amelia I’ll see myself out”  
I watched him walk away and out of the door when it clicked closed behind him I slid down the couch and on to the floor melting slightly as I went. Jared Leto LE.SIGH.  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
I woke up to FIVE texts from Jared, who gave up trying to have a conversation after the second text and said that I must be asleep but he was going to keep texting me anyway. I assume that at some point he must have actually gone to bed because his last text message didn’t really make a lot of sense and contained a lot of ZZzzzz’s and a vivid description of my bra. I didn’t text him as soon as I woke up because this was a new day of Amelia, this was a new world in which I have something with Jared Leto and I’m going to play hard to get, because I can. I text him after breakfast… which I ate in bed five minutes after I got up. Way to go Team Amelia, kept him waiting for all of five minutes there…  
And when he didn’t reply I assumed it was because HE was asleep, he was awake though by the time I came out of my dealers in a foul mood his texts managed to cheer me up slightly, but not a lot, I don’t want to exhibit at LACMA, why can I not just have a show at a private gallery why do I have to turn up in a gown and look presentable and be nice to people to get them to buy my paintings? Maybe I don’t want them to buy my paintings, MAYBE I’ll give them away for FREE. And I’d heard NOTHING from V, so she was either dead or in a hair bear love nest somewhere.  
I actually felt ashamed pulling my scrap heap of a car on to the drive at the Lab next to Range Rovers, and Jared’s stupid matt grey painted car.  
“Emmy is that you?” Shannon was outside looking intently at his motor bike and wearing his proper glasses which just why don’t I look like that in MY glasses? “You… are you wearing a suit? You look like you’re ready to bust some balls in that”  
“Ball busting unsuccessful BUT…” I rummaged around in my purse and produced a bag of Cheetos I’d picked up at the gas station on my way over and handed them to Shannon who looked over the moon  
“OH MAN, did you bring pot too?”  
“No sorry, my Oregano supply was too low, can’t be sharing out my stash”  
“ANOTHER joke? Keep it up lady” He went to slap me on my back but he clearly doesn’t know his own strength and almost knocked the wind out of me, Shannon you need a woman shaped like an athlete so you don’t break her seriously “He’s inside with his serious head on, go distract him, he needs it…” DO NOT slap me across my ass Shannon “Go get em TIGER” I turned around to glare at him and he was just perched on his bike already eating his Cheetos smiling happily.  
I half fell into the living room, not looking where I was going trying to do up my purse to prevent the contents spilling everywhere “Shannon just slapped my ass REALLY fucking hard all I did was give him Cheetos and…” I looked up to see about twenty people sat around on the couches looking at me intently “OH… sorry”  
“Little pea, good afternoon, you look like… erm… I think that’s enough for today, I’m taking the afternoon off, if anyone wants anything you can talk to Shayla or Emma ok?” a collection of nods and mumbles rang out around the room as people stood up and dispersed back into their corners of the house.  
“Hi Emmy we haven’t been properly introduced yet, I’m Emma” I think we should be BFFs Emma “I really like your suit, is it Westwood?”  
“It’s nice to meet you, erm it’s actually Gucci, did you know they make exactly the same clothes for girls as they do for guys but girls cut obviously”  
“I did not… well it looks good on you I will leave you two to… have a nice afternoon”  
“Come… come sit show me what’s going on under your suit jacket”  
“I HEARD THAT” shouted Emma from somewhere as I sat down next to Jared, I was never going to get used to sitting down next to Jared Leto, especially when as soon as I sit down he puts his arm tightly round my shoulders, a small kiss to my lips and rests his head against me.  
“I thought we’d go out hiking”  
YOU want to take ME on one of your infamous hikes? Are you sure? Don’t let on that you’re thrilled about this “Oh well I erm can’t go like this”  
“You can wear some of my clothes, if you like, don’t know what to do about your footwear though have you had those on all morning?” he reached down grabbed my ankle firmly and pulled it up towards him which erm Jared OW my legs do NOT bend like that “Fuck me pumps… DANGEROUS” he let his hand slide up my body so his fingers are lightly around my neck and pulled my lips towards his, fuck he’s wrapping his hand round my neck, think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts, or you Jared will end up being ridden in the middle of your living room so help me I swear.  
“I’ve got some sneakers in the back of the car I can’t drive very far in these”  
“Good, I think perhaps that suit needs to come off, and something less… seductive should be put on” he stands up and pulls me up off the couch with him leading me towards his bedroom, oh god, not the bedroom again, is it bad form after a discussion of taking things slowly to push him on to his bed and just… just… oh god. I NEED AN ADULT.  
“Have you seen my friend?”  
“V?” He’s guided me into his walk in closet, which of course you have Jared, why wouldn’t you? He pulls out a pair of sweatpants and a well-worn t-shirt and hands them back to me “Do you want some socks too?” I manage to nod while NOT thinking about seven minutes in heaven in Jared Leto’s walk in closet, I wonder if he’d be game for that? Mental note to self… There’s a pair of pink and purple stripy socks on top of the pile in my hands and I can’t help but smile, these are my favourite Jared socks “What are you grinning like a Cheshire Cat about? They’re my favourite socks you’re honoured… NO I haven’t seen V OR Jamie for that matter he was supposed to be here but well… I’m sure they’re both together, right you changed” We’re out of the closet and he’s sitting down on the end of the bed “I won’t sneak a peek promise” he puts his hands over his eyes, and even though I can see those baby blues shining through his fingers I pull my suit jacket off and put it across the end of the bed, slipping my camisole off next and pulling his t-shirt back over my head. I turn my back to him while I strip off my suit pants so he can’t see my wobbly tummy and totally forget about something really quite important “YOU HAVE A TATTOO ON YOUR BUTT! OH! TATTOO ON YOUR BUTT”  
“You said you WOULDN’T look!”  
“I’ve got X-Ray vision and I’m not to be trusted around you wearing less clothing than is socially acceptable, come closer I want to see… oh don’t put the sweatpants on I WANT TO SEE… PLEASE” I leave the sweat pants pulled up just enough for my regrettable decision to be seen over the waist band and back up to where he’s sat, his hands grip my hips and I freeze at the sensation of him being so close to parts of my body I never thought HE would actually be anywhere near “You actually have YOUR NAME tattooed on your butt?” I look over my shoulder at him where he’s looking very intently at my butt, oh stretch marks, stretch marks that’s what he’s looking at. I go to hook my hands into the sweatpants and pull them up but before I can he’s sinking his teeth into my butt cheek, pretty goddam hard and this sound leaves my body that doesn’t even sound like I made it. He makes this lightning fast movement with his hands and I’m flung backwards on to the bed, sweatpants still halfway up and he’s almost on top of me pinning me to the bed chest to chest “You… that sound… that’s what you sound like when you’re… excited? FUCKING HELL… how do I make you do it again?” I swallow hard and he sighs deeply “NO this is… I’m sorry this is all a bit foreign to me you’d be on your way back from wherever you came from if it this was one of my regular romantic… entanglements, but that’s not I want from this, us, you… I’m rushing ahead and I’m sorry I bit you, I shouldn’t have” he strokes his hand through my hair that’s fallen about my shoulders and his gaze turns to something softer “But that noise, well… I’ll be thinking about that for a while, are you ok?”  
“Yuh-huh, I thought you were looking at my stretch marks” and would you cast me back to the curb because of them seeing as you could have a model with airbrushed skin parading around here  
“I didn’t even see any, do you have them? Sorry I was too distracted by your frankly hilarious tattoo and butt that looks like a fucking peach… come on let’s go be wholesome, just the two of us, I want to get to know you better”  
Jared Leto’s version of getting to know someone better is to march them up really steep hills while firing a thousand questions a minute at me. He knew my family’s names and occupations before we’d gotten to my car so I could put my sneakers on. By the time we got to the bottom of the street he knew my allergies and my best friend’s names. We’re half way up a hill when he starts to ask me about being an Echelon.  
“What made you get it?”  
“I was drunk in Amsterdam with V and it seemed like a comedy thing to do”  
“NO not your butt tattoo your Echelon triad, I like that we already have matching tattoos…”  
“Oh well like I said last night I was bullied at school, I just never seemed to fit in anywhere and then I got into your music around the time of The Kill and the Echelon were so lovely, and welcoming, I’d never had a social experience like that before, I got mine done just after This is War was released, it’s pretty cool like a secret language people will notice it and then show me theirs and we kind of salute and move on with whatever we were doing before”  
“I’m sorry”  
“For what?”  
“Your bad experiences in life you seem to have had a lot of them, will you tell me about your last relationship or am I pushing it too far? We’re nearly at the top by the way, you ok?”  
“Fine, despite appearances I am actually quite fit, V makes me, literally kicks my butt into going to the gym, and my last relationship was unsatisfying, and he HATED what I did, would ask me why I couldn’t have a normal job, accused me of not being a proper artist because of the way I work, etc. yeah it was… I was still upset when it ended though”  
“How long ago was that?”  
“Six years”  
“You’ve not had sex in SIX YEARS?”  
“I didn’t say I hadn’t had sex I said I haven’t had a relationship”  
“Oh, you really have been hiding in your bubble huh?”  
“To tell you the truth I hadn’t actually noticed I’d become so introverted”  
“Are you enjoying being out of the bubble a bit?” we’d reached the top of the hill looking down on the sun setting across Los Angeles below us it was beautiful and the only camera I had was my iPhone which was Shit in the dark. He pulled his Blackberry from his pocket and wrapped his arm tight around me “Can I take our photo?”  
“Sure” I did my best to smile and not squint as the flash went off  
“Perfect, I’ll send it to you, so come on back down we go before it gets too dark and we get eaten by wolves because that would be such a shame…” he wrapped both his arms around me and kissed me in a way that should have been called how to sweep an artist off her feet in one easy kiss, I did my best not to let my knees shake if he noticed I was totally blaming the hike up a massive hill while trying to stop his sweatpants from slipping down over my hips. Even in the low light when he broke away from me all swollen lips I could see those eyes shining down on me flickering the purest blue “What happened with your dealer, god I’m sorry I didn’t even ask, that was rude, you’re going to have to tell me things because like I said I’m not used to all this… conversation”  
I started to jog down the hill slightly feeling a lot better about everything “I’m having an exhibition at LACMA…” I laughed a little bit into the cool night air, it was going to be the biggest exhibition of my artistic career and my first solo exhibition in a major public gallery “Come on slow coach, I’ll show you how to make me make the noise again if you can beat me to the bottom…”  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
Dating Jared Leto can be summed up in a few words – strange, exhilarating, confusing and exhausting. He’s so busy all the time and when he’s not then that’s when he remembers that I’m in his life in whatever capacity and pulls sad guilty faces and does his best to make up for neglecting me. Only he’s the ONLY one that thinks he’s neglecting me, I’m perfectly satisfied with seeing him as often as I do, because I’ve got a major exhibition coming up and besides he still scares me, as would any relationship after six years of not having one, never mind a relationship with Jared Leto.  
It took three days for Jamie and V to reappear after their first official date and they’ve been glued together ever since, I prefer V when she’d kicking my ass into doing things now she just sits there telling me to do as I please with a dreamy look on her face, but that’s the least of my worries.  
I’d been cramped up in my studio for days, Jared was being Jared somewhere Emma had told me what he was doing because it was easier for Emma or Shayla to send me a schedule some days than it was for me to get pissed when he never answered his texts. I was about to rip a hole out of frustration in my canvas when he came strolling in to my studio, no knocking on the door like a normal person, looking utterly spent, his hair loosely pulled back, his face sunken a little bit and much of the life gone from his eyes.  
“Little pea” he all but ran towards me wrapping his body round mine, not concerning himself with whether the paint covering me was still wet, or the paint brush still in my hand, I still wasn’t used to these Jared Leto hug attacks, all plaid shirt and sweatpants swaddled in a big coat putting kisses to the top of my head and squishing my face so tight I looked like Popeye, or at least I thought I did “I’m so fucking tired, I’ve been neglecting you again and I feel bad, look I brought you something to say sorry” he put one of his hands into his coat pocket and pulled out a key ring that said ‘World’s Best Girlfriend’ on it in pink sparkly letters  
“Girlfriend?” I think people have to have sex to… don’t think about it… you’ll hyperventilate, AGAIN.  
“Girlfriend, can I stay at your apartment tonight? I need a break away from the Lab, and I don’t want to stay in a hotel unless you want to stay with me, but then I thought we could both just stay at yours, watch a movie… snuggle?”  
Is that what the kids are calling it these days? “Snuggle?”  
“Or whatever you feel comfortable with…” I’d feel comfortable with ripping your clothes off and throwing you into the armchair there while you do your best to get me to sound like a porn star… oh god, panic attack sex panic attack, what is sex, why do we do it? Can’t we just? No get a grip, Jared Leto wants to have sex with you and you want to hide in a closet… a sexy closet… SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. “Will you come up and see Terry with me? PLEASE” I’m in my dungarees Jared, fairly sure there’s paint on my face or at least on my glasses. I’m not given a chance to object instead I’m marched out of my studio and up the stairs “Don’t look so scared Little Pea come on” he all but shoves me into Terry’s studio where at least he’s alone and there isn’t you know Miley Cyrus to contend with “I brought her, shall we stand in front of the wall?”  
“Hi Emmy, yes Jared that’s great”  
“What’s this?” he’s dragging me towards the back wall of the studio, the infamous white wall  
“There’s white things in the air” I get sung back to me and he’s got me stood opposite him, our sides to the camera  
“NO What’s This?” I try to point at Terry only to have my arm pulled down to my side as he takes hold of my hand in his  
“There’s colours everywhere” he’s laughing happily and pulling this ridiculous face at me  
“JARED!”  
“Sorry… just ignore Terry and look at me and smile ok? Look like you like me”  
I do like you, I like you SO much it’s kinda crazy and I’m still clutching a key ring that YOU bought me that says the word GIRLFRIEND on it “You are mentally unstable” What the fuck was that? JESUS that flash was fucking bright “But yes I do like you”  
“Good” he uses our clasped hands to pull me towards him, and those eyes just draw me in and I really have forgotten that Terry is there as Jared scoops me up into his arms like he did when I was drunk and pulls my glasses off my face and puts them on his own “Christ on a cracker you really are blind aren’t you?” he’s laughing loudly and putting his nose down to mine as the flashing seems to intensify, I’ll never be used to the camera’s flash, it’s reason #347 why I was in a bubble and not out partying with my peers.  
“Great guys” Terry wanders away from the camera and over to his mac but Jared’s still got me in his arms, I think I’ve melted again I really should see a Dr about my consistency, maybe it’s a recognised disease Jareditis symptoms including melting and panic attacks over impending sexual liaisons with world’s hottest man.  
“Should I put you down?”  
“Do you want to?”  
“NO not at all” he puts my glasses back on my face and my eyes focus in on him so close to me, holding me like I’m going to break if he’s not careful, he manages to get my body to bend slightly so his lips can meet mine and he kisses me deeply knocking the breath right out of me. I swear I see more flashes going off but it could be just my stupid not working right eyes “You make me really happy, just so you know, even if you are slightly mental and grumpy”  
“I’m not grumpy” I’m not denying the mental part even I think I’m certifiable 80% of the day. He puts me down on shaky legs “SO what’s all this about really?”  
“Can you drive me back to the lab please? Then I’ll drive myself to your apartment later, if that’s ok? I’ll bring my plaid pyjamas” Have you been reading my blog? No wait that’s impossible, I’m TOO sneaky for you to find out about that, but how else do you know about my love for your plaid nightwear? Hhhmmm ANYWAY talk about changing the subject Jared  
“Sure, I’ll just grab my purse, are you sure you don’t mind being seen in MY car?”  
“Not at all, do you trust me?”  
I shouldn’t should I because I get the feeling you are up to something “Yes why?”  
“Terry?” Terry produces a clipboard from his desk and hands it to Jared who hands it to me with a pen “It’s a release form will you sign it?” I shakily scribbled my name across it, knowing what it meant it meant my pictures were going to end up somewhere, where people would see them, with the impending sex that was going to happen photos on the internet were the least of my worries “Thanks little pea, right let’s blow out of here huh? Bye Terry”  
“Bye guys, Emmy I’m really looking forward to your exhibition at LACMA, I’d be honoured to photograph opening night if you’d let me”  
I’d not even though about opening night yet, SHIT, my publicist will spontaneously combust at Terry Richardson taking the photos “I’d like that, can we talk about it another time?” because right now I need to talk to V about impending doom, I mean sex with Jared who’s holding my hand and pulling me out of the studio throwing the clipboard and pen back at Terry as we pass him  
“Of course, have a good day both of you”  
Jared Leto is in my car, pushing all my buttons, LITERALLY “What does this do? This car is like a space ship, so many buttons on this stereo, why in a car like this do you have a sound system worth as much as a car like mine?”  
“I told you I like music and I like it to sound good when I listen to it” SHIT he’s stumbled across my Thirty Seconds to Mars playlist, I’m so glad it’s not called ‘Jared Leto makes my sexual organs ache by singing’ anymore.  
“Aaaawww you have so many Thirty Seconds to Mars songs… erm why is that little screen flashing?” I take my eyes off the road and see that my guy that handles all my PR stuff is calling me, which he never does, so something is kicking off probably about my exhibition, an exhibition that will have NO paintings because I keep getting distracted by Jared Leto, I push a button on the steering wheel answering his call.  
“Brian?”  
“AMELIA HENRY ARE YOU DATING JARED LETO?”  
Yes and he’s currently sat next to me grinning happily looking down at his Blackberry screen at something, what is that? I can’t see Jared SHOW ME! “Erm yes” WAIT how does Brian know this piece of information “How…”  
“I have a flag on your name so when you’re tagged in whatever my ipad beeps, but Amelia it NEVER beeps with YOUR name then all of a sudden it beeped and vibrated so much I thought it was going to blow up or fall off my desk, you were tagged in some photos TERRY RICHARDSON took of you making out with JARED LETO with the caption Jared and his GIRLFRIEND Amelia…”  
“Brian you’re on speaker phone right now”  
“Is he there, Jared are you there?”  
“Hello Brian sorry are we in trouble?”  
“You two are SO FAR FROM NOT in trouble right now but Amelia a little warning might be nice, Jared I hope you’ll be there for opening night at the exhibition?”  
“I’ll do my best I’m sure Terry actually asked if he could take the photos”  
“OH GOD THIS GETS BETTER AND BETTER, Amelia I love you, I love both of you, you’re so hip and Hollywood keep UP the good work, and come and see me soon”  
“Erm ok” you never want to see me, because you said I’m boring “Brian I’m hanging up now”  
“Yes yes you go and frolic where people can take your picture, bye” the stereo sprang back to life blasting out Ambulance by My Chemical Romance which I turned down slightly  
“Anything YOU want to tell me Jared?”  
“You really don’t go on the internet very much do you?” NO because HELLO exhibition, paintings, stress, you making me melt into puddle of goo at every given opportunity, I shake my head and try and concentrate on the road to the Lab “There were some blurry photos of us walking into the warehouse and I guess rumours got rife or whatever, and usually I’m kind of secretive about stuff like this and let people second guess me but I want to be honest about you with… you know people so I asked Terry if he’d take some photos and then there’d be no doubt about what you are to me”  
“Which is what?” I pulled on to the driveway and nearly ran Shannon over who was lurking around by his bike again  
“My slightly crazy girlfriend who I can’t wait to spend the night with tonight okay?” He leans over to me and pecks me on the cheek before climbing out of my car and wandering off to talk to Shannon. I stick the shit heap in reverse and as soon as I’m out of sight I call V.  
“Jared Leto wants to have sex with me”  
“You’ve wanted to have sex with Jared Leto since 1994 I fail to see the issue”  
“Yes but I never thought he’d want to have SEX WITH ME”  
“Don’t freak out”  
“DON’T FREAK OUT? JARED LETO WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME”  
“You’re 35, NOT 17 this isn’t losing your virginity which can I remind you wasn’t that much of a big deal when you did, you’ve been dating for a few weeks now it’s time to take your panties off and let him touch your tits… STOP hyperventilating I can hear you”  
“What am I supposed to do?”  
“Well when two people have sex usually they take their clothes off and get on a stable surface and fuck like rabbits”  
“STOP being sarcastic”  
“Emmy it’s JUST sex”  
“ITS JUST SEX WITH JARED LETO”  
“Are you scared it’s going to hurt like Satan or is this more he’s going to see my NOT wobbly tummy and thighs?”  
“He could be having sex with women that DON’T need photo shopping”  
“YES but it would appear he doesn’t want to, he wants to have sex with you, so have a SMALL drink and open your legs”  
“WHAT DO I DO?”  
“Relax for a start, go home shower, shave your legs, DON’T put on that god awful satin nightie thing that makes you look like you should be in The Great Gatsby, it’s time to let someone see that lingerie that you insist on spending so much money on, DON’T go all seductive because you always end up looking like a Bond girl when you do and not in a good way, just be you, sex is good remember? I know that the last couple of times you had sex it’s associated with bad memories, but it’s time for it to be fun again, have you been taking your pill?”  
“Yes like clockwork”  
“Good well then there’s nothing to worry about, especially after I saw the photos of Terry’s Tumblr of you two smooching like idiotic teenagers, fan girls are going crazy over it”  
“I’m gonna be killed by jealous fan girls aren’t I?”  
“Not at all, go on Tumblr at some point again, you’ll be surprised all I’ve seen is hundreds of posts saying how happy he looks and that you are well suited I’ve not seen ANYTHING negative, so remember sex good ok?”  
“OK”  
“I’ve got to go and do some actual work, but this hilarity has brightened my working afternoon totally”  
“I’m glad you find this so funny”  
“I’m sure in the morning you’ll find this funny, or I’ll have to bury you in a Y shaped coffin with a stupid grin on your face”  
“I hate you”  
“I know I’m hanging up now…”  
The line went dead I was so fucked, literally. 

Shower, shave legs, DO NOT freak out. Eat something, dry hair; make sure sheets are clean, DO NOT freak out. What should I wear? Not the satin nightie apparently, do I dress up or down? Are less clothes the better option, or too many clothes? What colour underwear should I put on? Black? White? No maybe not white, too virginal, which I am not. Even though I feel like it. Should I light candles? Why is this so complicated? Breathe AMELIA BREATHE…  
Fuck it I’m putting my sweat pants on and telling him I’m sick, or even better I will just ignore him. NO NO NO, you WANT to have sex with him, V is right since 1994, when you’d never ever actually had any kind of sex at all. Jeans, are jeans good? Jeans, bare feet and a white t-shirt, yes this will do. Make up? OH GOD I’d not even thought about that. There are actual butterflies that have tak-en up residence in my stomach and are fluttering around LOUDLY, how embarrassing, Shhh please be quiet. Urgh my hair what should I do with my hair? Brush it just brush it and hope for the best, it’ll be sticking up all over the place soon enough.  
I’ve gone all red like Cher in Clueless, maybe dimmer lighting is better then he won’t be able to tell my face is flushed up like a tomato. Drink, shall I drink? NO he doesn’t drink, so I won’t either, it’d be like kissing someone who smokes when you don’t EW. It’s getting kind of late, where is he? Maybe this really was some kind of cosmic joke I knew it was too good to be true. Put the TV on DON’T look on Tumblr. I’m going to look on Tumblr. Awww look that’s… nice, Jared Leto’s got his tongue shoved down my throat and I look like I’m enjoying it still clutching that key ring which is the only thing in the photo in colour. GREAT. GREAT. GREAT.  
There’s a knock at the door and I throw my ipad down and totally DON’T run to answer it, because running to the door will help me lose ten pounds in 15 feet and give me abs of steel in under a mi-nute. No more wobbly bits here for you to see Leto. I am a sex goddess, yes I am… DEEP BREATH IN  
“Are you in your pyjamas?” I pull the door open trying to look as seductive as possible to be greet-ed by the sight of Jared Leto standing on my welcome mat, already in his blue plaid pyjamas and sheepskin slippers, with a backpack on. Jared I am confused by all of this, one it’s SO cute, two you look like a teenager going to a slumber party, three I can smell your aftershave already.  
“Yes can I come in?”  
“Shit… sorry of course” I stand to one side as he shuffles into my apartment kissing my lips quickly as he passes me  
“I brought popcorn I’ll make it” Oh god he’s going to set fire to my kitchen and then that will be the end of ANYTHING that’s possibly going to happen  
“Shall I help?”  
“NO it’s ok…” he throws his backpack on the floor by the couch as if that’s where it is always sup-posed to be and rakes through it pulling out two packets of popcorn “I got salty and sweet I didn’t know which one you’d prefer” he WINKED at me, great the sexual innuendos are starting already I see “OH you’re looking at the photos? Yes they’ve caused quite the stir, I’ve got one as my home screen” he pulled his Blackberry out of his pocket and held it into my line of vision where I could see that yes a picture of us facing each other holding hands me grinning at his annoying face was adorning his home screen, that’s so lovely Jared “Do you like them?” I smiled and nodded slightly taken aback by MY face on Jared’s beloved piece of technology “Come cuddle me while I make snacks… remember cuddles in the kitchen to get things off the ground”  
YOU DID NOT, apparently you did, and you know you did because you’re grinning and pulling me towards the kitchen “Did you just quote the Arctic Monkeys?”  
“I did, I’ve been listening to them, and some other stuff that I’ve seen in your music collection, I’m always curious about music I’ve not heard before, now YOU” he puts his hands firmly to my waist and my mind starts racing as he lifts my butt on to the kitchen counter “can sit there and watch the master at work ok? How does the microwave work? Oh I see…” he puts both bags in and turns it on, the smell of popcorn soon flooding the kitchen and he’s got my legs wrapped tightly around his waist as he assaults my mouth with his. One of his hands is cupped to the back of my head the other his fingers tracing the curvature of my spine underneath my shirt. This is… are we not going to watch a movie? Are we going to have sex on the kitchen counter? BUT I put clean sheets on the bed Jared! He tugs my hair pulling my head back and places light caressing kisses to the skin on my ears, jawline and neck, I’m melting again, I am ice cream in the hot sun, I don’t know how I’m not sliding off the counter and into a pool on the floor. His kisses get harder and my arms tighten across his back letting my own hands slip up under his pj top feeling his back muscles, my thigh muscles pull him further towards me without me having any control over them. He bites my neck, just light-ly but the sensation of it drags that noise out of me again “Was it this?” he sharply pulls my hair back not enough to hurt but enough to make me moan out again “I see…” he keeps my hair in his fist still pulling slightly and bites my neck again this time the noise comes out deeper and louder, much to my embarrassment, he let’s go of my hair and pulls my chin towards him looking me in the eyes “Do you REALLY want to watch a movie?”  
Right now Jared I want to watch you… naked… with your head between my thighs “No”  
“Good” the microwave pings off and he leans away from me for a moment to look through the door “Well nothing’s on fire in there… shall we take this somewhere more comfortable?”  
Like the couch? No you don’t mean the couch do you? Oh god, this is it, he’s going to see me na-ked, and shouldn’t I be more exited at seeing Jared Leto naked? No he’s got a body like it’s been carved out of marble whereas mine looks like it’s been carved out of marshmallows held together with cocktail sticks “Sure”  
“Bedroom?” I thank my stars that I turned on the fairy lights above my bed and nothing else so at least the soft lighting MIGHT act like an Instagram filter. I nod my head too overwhelmed with thoughts to open my mouth and make sound “Come on then m’lady lead the way…” he helps me down from the counter and I can’t feel my legs anymore, I don’t know how they’re moving across the lounge to my bedroom door his hand clasped in my own. I almost feel like I’m dragging him but looking round he’s smiling happily and not like a man about to meet his impending doom. Inner sex goddess where are you? Come out to play don’t be shy, this isn’t the time for stage fright, nope I’m going to have to do this alone aren’t I? RIGHT Amelia hand on door knob and open door come on… “Awww fairy lights, cute” I have a feeling that nothing CUTE is about to happen, and I’m quite right as he kisses me again without any warning his fingers gripping the tops of my arms and push-ing me towards me bed where I am totally getting under the covers if I have to be naked so he can’t see me. I’m thrown backwards on my bed and he’s pulled his top off over his head. OH FUCK. OH FUCK. His eyes have gone all predator looking down at me like I’m some kind of vegan delicacy that he’s going to devour “I’m going to undress you ok?”  
SHIT SHIT SHIT ABORT ABORT I need an adult, wait I am an adult, I AM NOT A SUCCESSFUL ADULT “Ooookay” He leans down and starts with my jeans popping them open, his hands oh god so close, so fucking close that I just want to grab them and shove them down my panties and deal with the consequences later. His fingers fucking brush over the outside of my thighs, shit the cellulite, he’s gonna see it and run. He pulls my jeans over my ankles and past my toes and slings them over his shoulder.  
“Red?” I manage to get my head to move upwards slightly and nod at him, he pulls my arms so I’m sitting forwards and pulls my t-shirt off over my head, oh god tummy rolls, tummy rolls, don’t look Jared please don’t look “Matching, I appreciate that, now…” I half laughed as he kicked off his slip-pers, and crawled on to the bed and on top of me. Right Amelia, Jared Leto is on top of you and you are only in your underwear, he’s not run out the door because of your wobbly bits so maybe this won’t be all that bad after all. Inner Sex Goddess is that you?  
He kissed me not quite letting his body weight push me fully into the comforter beneath my back. My arms seem to have lives of their own and are acting independently away from me pushing into his hair, grabbing his shoulders, the tops of his arms. His kisses start to trail down my neck towards my breasts his hands reaching around my back and unhooking my bra; like a pro of course. I try to move my arms to cover my breasts up before he can see them or they fall into my armpits as boobs do, pulling my bra away from my body he grips my hands tightly in his own and pushes them out holding them down and out to the sides of my body.  
“Don’t hide Amelia, you’re beautiful… so beautiful” I don’t know what feels better, the compli-ment, his tongue swirling round my nipples one by one or his hair tickling across my naked skin, OR the heat coming from somewhere I’m really trying not to think about YET. His hands are still wrapped tightly around my wrists and all I want to do is reach out and touch him somewhere, any-where to let him know I appreciate that he has me nearly naked and hasn’t left. His mouth leaves my breasts and kisses are placed down my abdomen, across my hips and above the waistband of my panties, he finally releases me from his grip and instead uses his hands to slide inside my pant-ies and pull them down and somehow off without leaving his place between my thighs. OH GOD I’M NOW NAKED NAKED NAKED. I try to fold in on myself make myself small, hide myself but he’s resting on his heels between my legs and pushing my knees outwards and kissing them, shifting his position, his head aiming for… oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Really Jared? You? There? OH FUCK.  
I look down and can see those blue eyes shining up at me and I can tell he’s smiling even though I can’t see his mouth but I can feel it, oh god I can feel it. His hands are gripping my hips holding me place, which is good because I can feel myself squirming against his movements. My hands decide that this is the time to run themselves all over my own flesh before one of the settling on top of Jared’s head his hair still slightly damp beneath my finger-tips. I think of him in the shower, naked, and now with his head between my thighs and my back arches away from the bed, which causes me to feel the slight scratch of his beard against my inner thighs and against somewhere I really thought it would never be. I have been moaning for a while, but as his movements speed up I real-ly hear myself. OH god I’m going to cum, shit, slow down Amelia, slow down, savour the moment somewhat you’ve got Jared Leto’s head between your thighs NO don’t think about that, shit think about something really unsexy, turn it off, turn it off, NOPE too late. This sensation that my whole body is exploding is ripping away from me starting with my core, with Jared fucking Leto giving me head and it just keeps going, my knees shake, my head tilts back, and I moan loud enough to be heard in Australia. I’m coming down my body so wrecked and my mind so blissful and stupefied I fail to notice him slipping his pyjama bottoms off so he’s now totally naked and STILL on top of me. I will not look at his dick, I will not look at his dick OH SWEET JESUS I looked at his dick, Jared THAT is not going to fit, I hate to disappoint you, oh crap. I can feel it against my inner thigh, my slightly damp inner thigh as his face gets closer to mine again.  
“That was… those noises… Jesus Christ Amelia I had to really concentrate on not blowing my load early there… so beautiful” his nose nuzzles into the crook of my neck making my skin come up in goose bumps “Right I’m going to ask you a couple of questions and I want you to answer honestly ok?” he’s looking at me so sincerely that I nod instantly totally mesmerized by his eyes “One, do I need condoms because they’re in my backpack in the living room?”  
“No I’m on the pill”  
“Ok good, I hate those things anyway, ok two, and you HAVE to answer honestly, how long has it been since you last had sex?”  
“Five years”  
“I have no idea why not, do you know how beautiful you are?” his hand is stroking through my hair “I’m going to go slow and if I hurt you, you tell me and I’ll stop ok?” How did this happen? How are you like this? So caring and making me fucking melt, my heart so gooey in my chest I’m sure it’s leaking out of my ears right now “I want you to enjoy this as much as I will”  
“Thank you”  
“No thank YOU for letting me get you naked and do this to you” he smiles widely and reaches his hand between us literally taking a grip on his dick and starts to ease himself into me. I’m totally overwhelmed by the whole thing, Jared Leto’s dick in me, the feeling of parts of me stretching out in a way that they haven’t for a long long time, for what’s been too long, I try to relax but my thighs clamp around his hips trapping him in place not able to move “Relax… come on, deep breaths, I’m not gonna move yet am I hurting you?”  
He’s really not, it feels really fucking good I have no idea why I’ve gone all rigid, OH YES I DO Jared Leto he’s got his cock inside me, he’s on top of me, I’m naked, he’s naked the list goes on… “No not at all” as the words past my lips my body seems to sigh in relief and relax enough for my thighs to fall outwards and let me wrap my legs around his waist tightly which HELLO god that’s… you are… so fucking deep inside me right now my hips lift upwards WOAH god that feels good, I forgot, my arms go outwards and wrap around his back as his hips very gently move forward “Oh god…” my breathings gone all funny, jumpy and shallow, in normal circumstances this would cause a panic attack, this is not normal circumstances, and in this instant it feels SO good my toes start curling.  
“Are you ok?” I lose myself slightly and bite his earlobe, sorry Jared I have wanted to do that for SO long PLEASE don’t be mad at me “I’ll take that as a YES, do you… you feel so fucking good, sorry this is… I’m not used to this, the whole sex and… feelings thing”  
“Stop talking start fucking” HELLO inner sex goddess thanks for joining us here, the look on Jared’s face is priceless, and one I don’t think I’ll even forget, he stops holding back quite so much and kisses me deeply as his hips start rocking with some force, his hands are everywhere, just fucking grabbing me pushing his fingertips into my flesh, his moans in my ear, oh sweet fuck, it’s me. ME. I’m making Jared Leto moan like a whore, I want him to do it louder, maybe if I moan he’ll try and be louder than me that seem like something he’d do. I moan I push my chest up squashing my boobs between us I dig my fingernails into his back and drag them across his skin. Oh that’s it, god that noise is like, fuck… oh shit… nope not again, orgasm go away, NOT YET NOT YET NOT YET “I feel like I’m gonna cum…”  
He looks me dead in the eyes his nose tip to tip with mine, his hair falling around his face so I tuck it behind his ears for him “Me too” his hips really slam forward twice more, so far from hurting me it’s not even true, and this sound comes past his lips and into my mouth and that’s it I fucking shake against him gripping on to him everywhere I can, I want to bite him, ride him, suck him, tug his hair, just fucking everything and anything. There are more fireworks than the 4th of July ripping out of my body right now and it’s AMAZING. He tenses up and I can feel him cumming and it’s the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced. Jared Leto you are… OH SHIT, I am… I have no words. His body slumps on top of mine, but not so he’s squashing me, it just feels amazing “Are you ok? I didn’t hurt you did I?”  
“Not at all” and thank you for not running away at the sight of my stretch marks, wobbly bits, and non-perfectness. OH and for not going a bit Hurricane on me although I hope you will soon?  
“Good” he put a small kiss to my lips and pushed himself away from me leaving me very conscious of being naked again and I go to cover myself up slightly with my arms only to have him pull them away from me “Don’t cover yourself Amelia, let me look at you properly” He’s laid on his side, his head in his hand propped up on his elbow and is using his other hand to dance his fingertips across my body in a way that makes me feel like I’m going to cum all over again “No sex for five years, how did you do it?”  
“It was hard at first but I just got used to it and then kind of forgot about it until… well until you came crashing into my life and decided you wanted to have sex with ME” and then I freaked out like a virgin and my best friend laughed at me LOUDLY  
“I told you I don’t understand why more people don’t want to have sex with you, you’re beautiful AND smart, it’s massively attractive to me… SO is there a box of sex toys hidden somewhere in here?”  
“NOPE”  
“I don’t believe you” his fingers are tracing circles around my nipples, just fucking teasing them into standing back out again  
“Dicks are only fun when attached to men”  
“NO orgasms for five years either?”  
“You don’t need sex toys to have orgasms alone…”  
“I think you should tell me MORE about that…” 

Why am I SO hot? And I don’t mean I’ve just looked in the mirror and realised I’ve turned into a supermodel. I mean I’m hot like fire well more specifically the right hand side of my body is overly warm like I’m in bed with a giant hot water bottle and my neck there is something tickling against my neck. OH god please don’t be bed bugs, I love this bed, and I don’t want to have to buy another one…  
I’m gonna wriggle and try and get out of the heat and tickle, nope I’m stuck, why am I stuck? OH GOD Jared Leto, I’m stuck because… hello Jared, oh god look at you asleep, all wrapped around me with your eyelashes fluttering against your cheeks like a puppy dreaming. What do I do? Should I wake him? Is that not like waking a sleeping lion? I’ve got… great apparently I’m wearing his pyjama top, and he’s wearing the bottoms. At least I can’t see your dick Jared because, dick panic attacks in the morning are not the best way to wake up, or maybe they are… who knows. I still think I need an adult. Sexual debauchery with Jared Leto should be illegal, I feel like I’ve gone ten rounds with Tyson not three rounds of quite awesome actually fucking with the lion laid next to me.  
“I can hear your brain whirring from here Amelia…” he’s not even opened his eyes he’s just snuggled himself closer to me mumbling into my hair “It’s going blah blah blah I haven’t got any bottoms on, did I remember to shave my legs” there’s a hand sliding up my leg under the covers “from what I can feel yes you did, and I’d rather you weren’t wearing anything at all, so how about you come down here and let me help you with that?”  
That was how I ended up pulling the fairy lights down from above my bed, desperate for something to hold on to, seeing as he had a pretty good grip on my hips from behind me, managed to switch them on, get tangled up in them and lay on the bed in a post orgasmic haze while looking like a human Christmas tree. Jared found it SO funny he took a picture of it then very kindly untangled me, and quite literally put me in the shower while he answered the billion missed calls, texts, emails, tweets and psychic communications that arrived when he turned his Blackberry back on to take the picture of me as a human pine tree covered in twinkling lights.  
“Little Pea? Tomo is coming over to drop my guitar off, he won’t stay long I hope that’s ok but you might want to put some actual clothes on before you come out here… OH and I’ve made you breakfast, so stop standing in there debating whatever it is you’ve got spinning round in your head and come out… please” Jared Leto you are VERY bossy, you are a bossy control freaky lion face, and I can still feel you between my thighs, I think I will always be able to feel you between my thighs, I never DON’T want to feel you between my thighs. Right what should I wear? This will be title of my first autobiography ‘What to Wear, A Daily Struggle’. I can’t wear what I did yesterday seeing as my poor t-shirt is covered in cum after it was the nearest thing to his grasp to mop me up with, thank god it’s white anyway and maybe won’t stain too bad… I’ll put on the jeans I wore yes, they look undamaged by debauchery and shirt, shirt, shirt, that’ll do, NO I can’t go out there in shirt that says I’m totally over Jordan Catalano emblazoned across the front of it, can I? No I really can’t and I’ll have to get rid of it, BOO HISS I love that shirt, ok maybe I’ll keep it for when he’s not looking and… “Little pea it takes you so long to do anything… what are you wearing?” He reads my chest and bursts into the giggles, which can you not standing there in your pyjamas with your sex hair? “Leave it on, I like it” he’s stalking across the room to where I’m stood in front of my open closet and wrapping his arms around me smelling of tea and toast I think it’s toast, I hope the bread wasn’t mouldy “Are you though? Totally over Jordan Catalano, I’d rather you were under Jared Leto to be honest”  
SMUT PEDDLER! Stop peddling your smut around my bedroom before I’ve eaten, I need breakfast before I can deal with this… “I don’t know if I’ll EVER be over Jordan Catalano, he was my first major crush, I quite like being UNDER Jared Leto though” This smirk plays out across his face and he winks at me, using a finger to tilt my chin upwards so our lips meet. Standing on my bare feet and without being laid down, or pinned against something I realise I have to stand on tip toes to kiss him. How did I not realise you’re so tall Jared? Am I shrinking? It’s because I’m getting old. Maybe I could just climb him like a tree. My arms are half way round his neck and I’ve gotten my head stuck in thinking about swinging from his branches when there’s a knock at the door so loud it sounds like a whole army has arrived.  
“It’ll be Tomo… do you have any plans for today? I thought we’d just hang out here, you can do your art thing and I’ll do mine but I need my guitar so…” he vanished out of the bedroom before I can say anything, just make yourself at home Jared why don’t you?  
“Afternoon Emmy” Afternoon? What fucking time is it? Tomo you look like you’re wearing a sock on your head, someone needs to have a word with this band about its current fashion choices, but not Jared’s pyjamas they’re lovely  
“Hello again Tomo, you want tea?”  
He bursts into laughter before he can answer then looks at me apologetically “Sorry, your shirt, oh man, I need one do they come in guy sizes?”  
“Oh erm… my friend made it for me for my birthday a few years ago so… maybe she would make you one if you ask nicely but then it wouldn’t be one of a kind”  
“Jared I think you should have one too, we’ll all go out in them… no I won’t stay for tea, I’ll leave you two in peace, Emmy keep up the good work, Jared nice to see you smiling and still in your pyjamas on a Tuesday afternoon” I put up my hand to wave to Tomo but he’s already pulling the apartment door closed behind him and Jared’s sat happily with his guitar on his knee. OH GOD play me Alibi please  
“Come on… I made you toast… come…” he’s sat on the couch patting the spot next to him with a pile of toast on a plate on the table in front of it. I hope you’ve not got spread on my sketchbooks, that sounded quite dirty in my head, oh god I’ve got sex brain, well goodbye intelligent me hello brain full of gooey smut, at least I’ve not got any pressing art history commitments as I think they’d just contain blah blah blah yeah this is boring I’m going to suck Jared’s dick bye.  
I’ve been sat on this couch for what feels like hours, him plinking away on his guitar, which yes Jared that IS a technical term, typing so fast on his Blackberry that I think his fingers are going to burst into actual flames while I try and plan out my exhibition and some commissions that I’ve got in the works. He’s been staring at me for a while now I can feel his eyes burning into me, peering over the top of my sketchbook. You said you wanted to work and I NEED to work, so stop staring at me like you’re going to eat me. At least he’s dressed now, but he took a shower first so now I’m going to think about him naked in MY shower every time I get in it. And it’s not helping that he’s got on stupidly tight pants, the blue shirt of porny death and the most ridiculous socks I’ve ever seen, NOT that I’ve been looking, ok I have BUT I’m more sneaky than him because he didn’t notice.  
“It’s rude to stare”  
“When you concentrate you lick your bottom lip it’s incredibly attractive” I wonder where I picked up THAT habit from HUH? Perhaps from staring at you for the past 20 years “Shall we go down to the market and get something to eat, your cupboards are kind of bare”  
I think that’s because this is the longest I’ve been in this apartment for in a long time, I tend to graze on takeaways in my studio “Are you cooking? I’ll do the dishes, I HATE cooking”  
“That would explain the lack of anything edible and the masses of half empty take out containers, yes I’ll cook come on…”  
I’d forgotten about my shirt, until we got to Whole Foods and my vision was assaulted by a barrage of camera flashes from a couple of rogue paps waiting outside. I was almost confused why they were taking my picture until I felt a tug on my hand and looked down to see Jared’s fingers laced through my own I resisted the urge to just fucking skip into the store “Just ignore them, sorry I should have told you to wear sunglasses, do you want mine?” he removed his aviator glasses and handed them to me, they were too big of course because I have a head sized like a pea, hence the name, because I’m little with a pea for a head. I was grateful though. Note to self, buy new sunglasses and make sure they are about your persons at all times.  
People were staring at us walking around the market hand in hand and I wasn’t doing anything weird, at least I didn’t think I was, surely we’re just two people getting groceries, I never usually get stared at in here, even when I am covered in paint and tripping over my own feet. Jared is continuing being the perfect gentlemen by carrying the basket AND holding my hand, smiling like a child and looking utterly innocent. I KNOW you’re not innocent Jared, I KNOW…  
“Jared!” There’s a high pitch squeal and blur of brown hair throwing arms around Jared, totally ignoring the fact that I’m also kind of holding on to him, am I suddenly invisible? That’s SO rude whoever you are. His hands stay one in mine and one on the basket but I’m aware that my fingers are being slightly crushed by his. OW JARED OW What’s wrong? “Oh who’s this?”  
Oh shit, this isn’t good, his face looks almost murderous and her face is looking at me with an are you serious expression. And again RUDE. Do I know you? “Clare this is Amelia” His face softens slightly as his says my name, which aww Jared, that’s…nice  
“THIS is Amelia?”  
Whoa whoa whoa lady I have NO idea who you are but I will end you, you may be 18 feet taller than me and have better hair but I have no issue in landing a punch to your face for rudeness “Yes I’m Amelia sorry I don’t think we’ve met before have we?” and I am going to give you my best smile and pretend to be nice because lady you are NOT going to burst my happy bubble today “I’m Jared’s girlfriend, we’re just getting something for dinner… you’re…” I deliberately look down in to her basket “oh meal for one? That’s so… cute Cara”  
“It’s Clare”  
“Right sorry” I can see Jared out of the corner of my eye and he’s looking down on me half proud and half like he wants to eat me again “Well if you’ll excuse us, dinner to cook, movies to watch, beds to… yeah bye Clarissa” I turn on my heels and do my best impression of a woman walking away from whatever she was without looking like I’m running away, which is not what I am doing AT ALL  
“It’s Clare” I can’t hear you Clare because I am so far out of this place right now I’ve already passed go and collected my $200  
It’s not until we’ve rounded a corner slightly that I stop marching quite so quickly “You are the… you are… how did you do that?”  
“Who the fuck was that?” I might not even care to be honest Jared no one is bursting my bubble with you not for what I hope is a LONG time. We’re at the registers and people are pointing at my shirt and laughing which is kind of the point of it, amplified times a million by actually standing holding hands with Jordan Catalano in Whole Foods.  
“Urgh some awful girl that I can never seem to get rid of, I think she’s friends with Shayla, and I may have flirted with her ONCE out of boredom… don’t think she’ll bug me again though, I had no idea you could be such a sarcastic bitch” The clerk is looking at us like all her Christmases have come at once, Jared tries to pay but I pull a note from my pocket before he can hand his card over “And apparently really independent”  
“Do you want your sunglasses back before we go outside?”  
“NO you look better in them than I do, even though they are too big for your head” as we walk outside back into the glare of the paps he puts his arm tightly around me as I carry the not at all heavy brown bag, my head gets kind of squished in his arm pit as he puts his hand over my face to shield me and with his other hand raises a middle finger to the world from both of us.  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
I AM HAVING SEX WITH JARED LETO. A LOT OF FUCKING (fucking being the operative word there) SEX WITH JARED LETO. It’s all I can think about, sex, sex, sex it’s freaking awesome. I think I’ve reached some kind of sexual nirvana that I hope never ends. I was kind of overwhelmed by it at first and let him initiate things convinced that he wasn’t really into me and would tell me to get the fuck off if I tried then a switch went in my brain and I can’t keep my hands off him, or my mouth, or my boobs, or my really intimate areas that are no longer redundant because I’m having sex with Jared Leto. He still scares me. Not sexually, not even when he blindfolded me, handcuffed me and bit my rib cage. I’m used to his dick now, NO WAIT I’ll NEVER get used to that but not in a bad way. He scares me because he’s Jared Leto STILL he always will be.  
There’s some kind of weird but working for us awesomely routine going on where he goes off and does his Jared Leto thing, and I get on with my art then we find each other have copious amounts of sex, watch bad movies eat good food and then rinse and repeat (over four months of rinse and repeat… FOUR MONTHS). It’s not JUST the sex though it’s everything he keeps calling me his girlfriend he’s like Howard in The Big Bang Theory when he introduces Bernadette to everyone. If he can get the sentence ‘my girlfriend Amelia Henry’ into whatever it is he’s doing then he will. I would quite happily say ‘my boyfriend Jared Leto’ to whoever but I’m not often interviewed by Rolling Stone. And when he cuddles me, he’s like a limpet or a sloth just all clinging off me, even when he’s asleep he’s got his limbs tangled through mine, and his beard rubbing against my face and his hair tickling just anywhere on my body it touches. The hand holding is pretty awesome too, although sometimes I think he forgets that he has really BIG hands and I don’t, I won’t complain though because HELLO Jared Leto….  
There’s been a new issue plaguing my mind though, it’s Christmas AND his birthday, what the fuck do you buy Jared Leto? He’s got everything he could ever want. I panicked, I called V, I tried to ask Shannon but that didn’t work. I just hope I’ve got something he’ll love and smile that lovely smile at me when he opens it. And the OTHER issue, his birthday party at his house, where his Mom is going to be. Oh FUCK this is going to end badly I’m not Mom meeting material which is why I’ve only ever been introduced to one of my boyfriend’s Moms before.  
We spent Christmas itself apart and I endured the Spanish inquisition from my Mom, Dad, Brother and Sister in Law over the paparazzi photos that had occasionally popped up for all to see and why is he not here? Because my family we are not joined at the hip! Sexual organs maybe but hips no, but when he bites over my hip bones… And that’s how I spent Christmas day afternoon thinking about Jared biting my hip bones and texting him about it. He told me I was being naughty and he might have to think about spanking me, which just made my texts even dirtier, and him get even more frustrated at being sat with his Mom and brother and not able to act out all the things I was telling him.  
I literally FLEW into the lab the morning of his birthday, running past Shannon and whoever he was making kissy faces at in the kitchen.  
“Happy Christmas Emmy”  
“Happy Christmas Hanny”  
Jared was still in bed, because he told me he was having a birthday lie in and I was so quick running up those fucking stairs to his room I don’t think my feet even touched half the steps. He was in the middle of his bed, buried in all his blankets and pillows, hair sticking out the top, looking as always like a sleeping lion. I pulled the bottom of the comforter up and crawled up from the bottom of the bed and on top of him, so I was nearly sat on his chest and poked his chin until he stirred.  
“Good morning Amelia” I smile watching the smile spread out across his face before he opened his eyes.  
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY JARED” you beautiful lovely long haired beardy god of awesome, it’s time to get up because I missed you, what is with that? Me missing you? I am independent I don’t rely on MEN, but I hate it when you’re not within five feet of me, why does my chest feel weird? Maybe I’m getting a cold, oh god he’ll make me wear the germ mask won’t he?  
“Are you getting into bed or are you just going to sit on my chest like a small child?”  
“I AM NOT SMALL” I try to make myself heavy and fail as one of those blue eyes opens and looks up at me still smiling. I feel his hands take a firm grip on my waist and pull me down to the side of him, where he kisses me and his arms wrap tightly around me, oh it’s so warm in here, do we have to get up today? I’m still in MY pyjamas because I was too excited over leaving my parent’s house to come here that I figured no one would see me and I’d just get dressed when I got here.  
“You’re very small and very LOUD and apparently still in your pyjamas” He fucking nuzzles into my neck and inhales deeply and his breath and hair are tickling against me and I get that melting feeling again, only now I try and go with it “I missed you” erm… erm… chest stop feeling weird I don’t like it, cough sneeze do fucking something don’t just feel all weird I hope I don’t get sick before tonight I don’t wanna miss the party  
“Do you want your present?” I put a kiss to the end of his nose just because I can do things like that these days  
“Is it you sucking my dick?” NAUGHTY Jared is naughty today, oh I like this, but I give him my best face of horror when he asked “I mean please will you suck my dick Amelia?” You don’t have to ask me twice Jared…  
I have hickeys on my hip bones flesh, I wish I could put how awesome this is into words, Jared is padding around his room while I’m in his nest of covers like Barbarella in all the furs after that guys shows her what love making is almost humming to myself, my body no longer on an earthly plane “Do you want your present?” if you ask me to suck your dick again I will more than happily oblige Jared just perhaps not give me any visible hickeys seeing as I’ve got to meet your Mom.  
“I think I just had it… hang on…” he’s rummaging around in his closet and coming back towards me with a gift bag smiling, I think Jared you might want to put some clothes on or neither of us are going to get anywhere today “This is your present from me… did you think I wasn’t going to get you a Christmas present? Little pea…” he pulls this frowning sad face and sits back on the bed giving me the bag “I picked it myself and everything, you’re honoured usually I get Emma or Shayla to choose something for… well anyway things aren’t like that anymore… OPEN it and stop looking at me like I’ve gone crazy… please”  
What did you do Jared, and why is this bag so fucking big? Oh that’s why, you bought me a Cambridge Satchel Company bag, a brown one just like I wanted “Thank you…” I lean over and kiss his cheek, Jared you’re so cute, and adorable, and I can still feel how hard you just made me cum  
“Look inside it…” Why are you so giddy? The first thing I see as I open the satchel is my name embossed in gold letters above the pocket it reads ‘Dr Amelia Henry, PHD, Girlfriend, Awesome’ which is… my fucking chest, maybe it’s heartburn, I necked quite a lot of coffee this morning on the way over here… Inside the satchel is what looks like a jewellery box, I hope Jared you didn’t buy me stupidly overpriced jewellery because I break and lose things so easily and I don’t have a safe to keep it in. I pull off the lid and see a silver name necklace inside that says ‘little pea’ in loopy silver lettering “It’s just… something… silly”  
“I love it, thank you” I pull as much of him towards me as I possibly can and kiss him  
“Here let me put it on…” I lift my hair out of the way and he fastens my necklace, his fingertips almost give me and electric shock when he touches me, seriously Jared put some clothes on… “Little Pea” he kisses the end of my nose which is just urgh… what is going on here? Get a grip Amelia please, I make a reach for my holdall at the end of the bed he slaps my ass as I pass him, Jared PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, maybe I should put some clothes on first?  
“Here…” I hand him his own gift bag  
“What’s all this?” He’s got his hands in the bag, I have a tendency to fill gift bags to bursting just full of nonsense as well as serious gifts, so he’s pulling out packets and bars of vegan chocolate and candy before he even gets to his gifts that are in there.  
“These are beautiful”  
“Yes well great minds think alike” he’s clutching a set of handmade (but not by me) leather bound sketchbooks I got for him that have HIS name embossed on the covers (well one says Jared Leto the other says Bartholomew Cubbins because they need one each, along with the pencils that say ‘from the brain of Jared Leto / Bartholomew Cubbins on them) “I’m sick of seeing you draw on napkins and copy paper, beautiful art deserves to be drawn on beautiful paper…”  
“You’re beautiful” something’s changed when he says that, he’s told me that since our first date but it’s different now when he says it to me, I don’t know how AND ITS FREAKING ME OUT  
“There’s more…” his hands are in the bag again and he’s pulling this face where his tongue is kind of sticking out and smiling  
“A kindle? Cool, thank you” I got him one of the ones that was just for reading books, not tweeting, or faffing about on the internet, book reading only, or he gets distracted and then wonders why it takes him a year to read a chapter of a book, everyone had read the entire Fifty Shades trilogy and Jared was still wondering what all the fuss was about because he hadn’t even gotten to a sex scene yet.  
“I’ve put your favourite books on it already and a few extra”  
“I can see that… why do I have a book called ‘Disney Princesses: A Visual Guide’?”  
“Because everyone needs a favourite Disney Princess Jared it’s the law”  
“I bet Shannon doesn’t know the difference between them” he’s mock frowning at me  
“His favourite is Merinda” It actually was I asked him and he said the one with all the red hair that kicks ass and wasn’t a mermaid. I didn’t delve any further as to how or why Shannon had seen Brave just took the information and ran  
“I don’t even know what that means”  
“Read the book Jared…” he puts all his gifts back in the bag and the bag on the floor next to the bed  
“RIGHT NOW I’d rather read the freckles on your shoulders…” he crawling on top of me, looking like a hunter stalking its prey, god it’s SO hot, like I could slide already my backs arching in anticipation hot.  
“JARED? Come down for birthday breakfast PLEASE…”  
“Who’s that?” It’s not Emma or Shayla and I can’t think of any other women’s voices that would be in the house, maybe Shannon’s smooching partner  
“SHIT my Mom, dammit, she said she wasn’t coming until later, sorry little pea” He puts a chaste kiss to my lips and almost falls off the bed trying to put his pyjamas back on “We’ll have to go, or she’ll only bust in here and drag us out if we don’t”  
“JARED!” I hear a whole manner of whispering coming from the stairs that sounds like Shannon’s low grumble “SORRY I didn’t realise you had company come down when you’re ready AND BRING HER WITH YOU”  
I did the only thing that a logical adult female would do presented with this situation I pulled the comforter over my head and tried to make myself very small “I’m naked”  
“I know put your pyjamas back on or do you want some of my clothes? You could wear the camo poncho?” Shut up Jared “Silver pants?” What? Now you’re just being ridiculous and me hiding is far more visible a plan for today until later i.e. never “It’s my birthday I think everyone should dress like me today…”  
“Are you going to draw a beard on me?” I’d successfully wrestled myself back into my pyjamas, or what I thought were my pyjamas it was dark under the covers and I couldn’t tell  
The covers are pulled back and I’m greeted with Jared looking down on me in his sweatpants and white jumper with holes in it “You’re SO weird I…” I can see it as he mentally slaps himself for whatever he was about to say then carries on after sighing slightly, what’s wrong Jared? “Come on you look fine, beautiful as always, I want you to come meet my Mom”  
“WHY?” because no one else ever did they all wanted me to remain dirty little secrets  
“Well one because you’re my awesome girlfriend, it says so on your bag, and two because she thinks you don’t exist”  
“HUH?” I let him pull me out of my nest and wrap his stupid camo poncho around me, which really there is no need for over the top of my… no his pyjama top and my bottoms but it’s so soft and warm and smells like him, just all Jared, all beard and hair and tattoos and Hugo Boss aftershave and ARE YOU SURE we have to go Jared? Can we not just… stay here and I can lick your PIV tattoo? I walk down the stairs a hell of a lot slower than I went up them, feeling like I’m walking slightly to my doom until I’m assaulted with this wonderful smell of cooking and I can hear soft laughter wafting up from the kitchen.  
“Oh well THERE you are” I’m almost half hiding behind Jared, which is not the easiest thing to do in a huge poncho that’s making me feel like Han Solo in Return of the Jedi “SO she IS real, hello Amelia I’m Constance, it’s nice to meet you” Jared lets go of my hand and kind of nudges me forward where I’m hugged by his Mom and she’s just as soft and warm as he is, and Shannon for that matter, all shiny hair and beautifulness  
“Hello” I manage to give her a warm smile and try not to let on that I feel slightly overwhelmed and pretty uncomfortable now. Shouldn’t I be wearing a nice dress as opposed to looking like a demented Storm Trooper the first time I meet his Mom? Oh well…  
“Right sit down, come on everyone…” Shannon’s whatever she was has disappeared and it’s just me and the Leto’s. ME AND THE LETOS maybe that could be the name of a sitcom? I sit next to Jared in the same positions we sat on our first date in this kitchen and it’s getting me right in the feels. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY CHEST?  
“My Mom thought Jared had hired a model to pose for the photos in Terry’s studio” Shannon is almost beside himself laughing so hard I can see his coffee spilling slightly  
“SHANNON!” OK Leto in stereo that’s weird can you not to do that again especially as I have a mouthful of fake bacon with some kind of syrup and pancakes which are officially the best thing I’ve ever eaten.  
“Amelia I apologise, I never thought Jared could actually date someone…”  
“MOMMMM” Jared is gripping my knee so tightly under the table I think it’s going to bruise, which OW Jared  
“…normal I’m so pleased about all of this… NOW you write about pornography? RIGHT?”  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
My name is Amelia and there is something wrong with my chest, I’ve tried everything… I went to CVS and bought heartburn relief AND something that’s got eucalyptus in and is supposed to melt away tight feeling chests AND NEITHER OF THEM HAVE WORKED (I also bought hair dye which DID work). I EVEN tried Jared’s asthma inhaler as a last measure nope did fuck all. WHAT is wrong with me? I’m due BACK at the lab like yesterday and there is something wrong with me. I must be getting sick, this isn’t good. I’ve got too much to do to get sick. I feel like there’s a fucking alien in my chest one that’s making my heart bleed out. MY HEART. OH GOD. NO NO NO NO NO NO.  
V I need V, NOW. There are so many fucking people everywhere when I get back to the lab, I see Jared out of the corner of my eye and he’s midst conversation with Babu and doesn’t seem to notice me, which is good because I’m fairly sure my hair - which I did especially earlier - is all over the place from where I’ve been pulling it out of frustration. Right keep calm V has to be here somewhere… look for Jamie’s hair, it’s huge, it’s not hard to spot… Not unlike mine, maybe V’s got a hairbrush in her purse  
“Emmy?” OH THANK FUCK Jamie you beautiful man  
“Where’s V?”  
“Oh she’s out by the pool, come on I’ll show you, are you ok? You look kind of rattled…” I keep my mouth firmly shut while Jamie goes on about whatever, maybe it’s what it is he does to make his hair so big I have no idea I’m not listening, I’m so relieved when I see V it’s not even funny I could quite happily burst into tears NOW that is an oxymoron “well I’ll leave you ladies to erm… Emmy would you like a drink?”  
“She’ll have a bourbon by the look of her face, thanks bear” NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOU TO BE AFFECTIONATE AND CUTE WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND VERONICA “Hey look at your necklace that’s so sweet did Jared buy it for you?”  
“I love Jared Leto”  
“You’ve loved Jared Leto since 1994, this is not new information, from your phase of wearing velour hats, through nu metal, goth, punk, and even when you dressed like J- Lo for a week you loved Jared Leto”  
“NO NOT LIKE THIS”  
“What’s got you so rattled? You’re clearly having A LOT of sex I can tell because there’s a fucking hickey on your WRIST so that’s not the issue he’s bought you jewellery…”  
“AND he got me this” I point to my new bag slung across my body and lift the flap up for V to inspect the inscription  
“OH WAIT you’re IN LOVE with him”  
BINGO “WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?”  
“Well calm down for a start”  
“I thought I had the flu or heartburn, I took a load of medicine, I even used Jared’s inhaler and it didn’t help”  
“Here you go Emmy Shannon poured it so go steady…” I pulled the tumbler from Jamie’s hand and downed half of it, not even letting it touch the sides “Is everything ok?”  
“Emmy is IN LOVE with Jared” shut the fuck up V, this is… don’t tell HIM, oh god this is one of those we share everything relationships isn’t it? NOPE gonna have to drink the rest of this, yup felt that one now I think I really DO have heartburn. STUPID FUCKING HEART and Jamie WHY are you laughing?  
“Have you talked to Jared about this?” he’s still laughing around his beer bottle and I’m realising I just necked a huge amount of bourbon and should I chew some gum so it’s not like kissing a distillery?  
NO NO NO NO NO “No…”  
“I think you probably should, maybe you’re not the ONLY one freaking out about it”  
What does THAT mean? Oh shit I can fucking smell him before I feel his arm slip around my shoulder “Little pea, you dyed your hair…” yes I did Jared and it’s kind of sticking up a bit right now because of REASONS that are YOUR fault “It’s beautiful and you put a dress on, it must be my birthday” I half jump forwards suddenly and without much grace as I feel his hand squeeze my butt cheek perhaps a little bit too hard for being in public Jared in PUBLIC. He’s nuzzled into my hair and has gone all starfish clinging to me “Come… let’s go make out somewhere”  
“JARED” Not that I don’t want to, no it’s making out with you and your stupid face that got me into my current predicament  
“What? It’s MY party and I want to make out with MY awesome girlfriend” I let myself roll my eyes at him and pull me away from Jamie and V who when I look back at making heart shapes with their hands in my direction. Oh good, mature, this is a man’s 42nd birthday party we are in our 30’s and you two are making teenage hand gestures at me, which is STILL NOT HELPING. Right Amelia this is what we are going to do, we are going to swallow it and forget it, it doesn’t exist there’s no love here, I don’t even know what love is, I don’t know what all those funny little beats of my heart mean AT ALL, I’m confusing love and sex. We should have sex Jared then maybe I will forget about this, seeing as when you do that thing you do I tend to forget my own NAME, best plan EVER…  
Of course we get nowhere near ANYWHERE private because I’m being hauled around the entire party and introduced to so many people my head is spinning, and I know it’s not from booze because I only had the ONE drink, I’ve stuck to water even though I’m still freaking out and Jared you are NOT helping with all the ‘this is my awesome girlfriend Amelia, she’s a Dr of art, and has won awards for her art’ I won ONE award once Jared, what are those over there OH YES all your fucking awards for your amazing music. I’m hugged by 50% of Panic at the Disco which doesn’t help my heart issues, because look at you you’re so freaking cute, can we do the Ready to Go dance now? PLEASE? I manage to smile or mimic whatever ludicrous face Jared pulls when Terry comes and takes our picture throughout the evening. I even manage a conversation with Constance who is full of pink wine and not nearly as scary as I thought she was. There is a distinct lack of all those girls I used to see Jared with on Tumblr all legs and varying shades of brown hair, which leads me to one conclusion that they’re not here because of me, and Constance tells me as much.  
“You’re not like the others Shannon’s told me ALL about it I think you’ll be here for a while, not like them… flaky wannabes, the lot of them, you LOVE him I can see that” OH CRAP I’m rumbled, by a slightly drunk Mom, PLEASE don’t tell Jared Constance PLEASE. I’m so glad he’s gone off to do something Jared like right now and isn’t here.  
Shannon seems to have vanished into thin air and I’m relieved to see the throng of people thinning out slightly because my feet hurt, I’m super tired and I feel like I’ve been through some kind of emotional journey in the last 24 hours AND to top it all off tomorrow I have to sequester myself BACK into my studio and get the last few paintings done for the ever looming exhibition. Emma comes and offers Constance a lift home, and I apologise to Emma for having hardly seen her all night, she assures me she doesn’t mind which is the best thing about Emma she’s so laid back she’s horizontal yet she’s 100% done with Jared’s shit on an hourly basis. Emma you must teach me your ways, you can make him do things without having to threaten lack of oral sex before he’ll take his head off my boobs and let me do some work. It’s witchcraft or EMMACRAFT  
“Little pea” Jared hurls himself on the couch landing his head square in my lap, I have that moment of hesitation when I remind myself that I AM awake and really here, and he actually quite likes it when I touch him, I put my hands into his hair stroking it away from his face, letting my fingertips brush across his forehead. He grabs my wrist and pulls the back of my hand to his lips putting a kiss to it and my body is sinking his head is basically next to my core, he’s looking up at me with this soft expression, no look of a hunter tonight. I DO LOVE HIM. SHIT.  
“Have you had a good birthday?” good Amelia neutral question NOT about the L word  
“Best one in YEARS, I think I’ll always start birthdays with oral sex from now on… ONLY if it’s you that’s performing said oral sex…” Can you NOT tell me you still want to be here next year? That’s NOT helping and you are about to have my heart burst at you “You’ve got a hickey on your wrist sorry about that” OH so to make it better you’re going to kiss it? OH GOOD that’s REALLY ticklish “I’m so fucking tired, will you stay here tonight? Please”  
“Who am I to refuse the birthday boy?”  
“Technically it’s over now it’s gone midnight” He pulls himself away from my lap leaving a cold spot where his head’s been, stands up and offers his hand out to me “Come on little pea… bed… to sleep… I’m old now”  
I don’t think Jared you can tell me you’re old and then pin me against your bedroom door without even taking my dress off. This is also not helping the L word. I love it when you fuck me after JUST taking my panties off and your jeans are round your ankles your shirt on the floor by my feet, only my feet? They’re NOT on the floor because you’re holding me up with your arms that are underneath my butt.  
“Fuck…” I’m glad you’ve not got your shirt on because the way your skin feels underneath my fingertips, the fucking muscles on your back flexing as you pound me through the door, HOLY. FUCK. Jared, holy fuck… SHIT are there still people in the house? OH god I don’t think I can be quiet when you’ve got me essentially lifted off my feet with your dick. RIGHT I’m going to bite you. I put my lips to his neck and just let my teeth sink in before sucking as hard as I could and he made this fucking obscene noise which just made me do it harder, which made him just slam his hips forward harder “FUCK” urgh the noises you make Jared, you urgh…  
“You’re so…” my head is slamming against the door, just fucking bouncing off it, so he takes a hand from underneath me and puts his stretched fingers lightly around my neck holding it away from the door. OH GOD. Oh god. “Cum for me Amelia…” It’s the way he says my name when he’s fucking me, it’s like the final nail in the coffin or rather final thrust that makes me shake, and it’s a good job he is holding me up because I’m fucking wrecked and there is no way I can be quiet at that one sorry other people in the house “GOD those fucking noises make me…” I can feel his body start to tense up, his grip tighten slightly on my neck, and he cums with this noise that is so indescribable that I just want to make him cum all over again and again until I can describe it. He kisses me deeply lacing my fingers through his and goes to take a step backwards away from me and my inner thighs that are gonna fucking bruise, bony fucker, but he kind of half trips over his own jeans and falls backwards managing to pull me on top of him because he still had hold of my hand so we’re a heap of limbs, sweat and haphazardly removed clothing in the middle of the floor. And my heart is just fucking leaping out of my chest because he’s laughing so hard, this full on laugh that I can feel coming from his ribs underneath me “Sorry, tripped over my own feet there…”  
“What’s so funny?”  
“Well tripping over one’s own feet is YOUR job, I usually have a lot more grace than that, but you see….” He helps me up and we shuffle towards the bed falling backwards on it, still a graceless tangle of limbs but now on a softer surface, he’s looking me dead in the eye and trying to keep a straight face “It would appear that I’ve really fallen for you… geddit?” he cracks up at his own joke. NOT funny Jared, so FAR from funny it’s not even true right now “Come on let’s go to bed… I like that I get to tuck you in after I fuck you… I made a rhyme” Hello Bart nice of you to join us this evening? AM I going to have to try and sleeping listening to your brain whirring? “Sorry I’m so tired, I got a bit stressed over Christmas and didn’t sleep much I always sleep better when you’re next to me though” OH there goes my heart again GREAT. He finds me a pair of pyjamas and after we’re both head to toe in plaid flannel he really does tuck me in then wraps himself around me. I always sleep on my back he sleeps on his side or rather he sleeps as far on top of me as he can. He’s nuzzled up to my neck so I can feel his breath against my skin and I get scared that he knows something’s different and he can hear my heart beating slightly erratically, sorry Jared sorry, I’m trying to make it stop… “Thank you for my birthday today” he puts a light kiss to my neck and I feel my toes curl “Goodnight Amelia…” he sighs slightly maybe a little bit unhappily I go to open my mouth and ask him if he’s ok, because sad Jared is not good EVER “I love you”  
OK DID YOU JUST? YEAH YOU DID… I AM INTERNALLY CARTWHEELING RIGHT NOW. Don’t make a big deal over it Amelia, no big deal Jared Leto loves YOU, shit how long have I been thinking about this? I should say it back shouldn’t I? Seeing as I’ve been freaking out about it all day and thought I was getting the flu but OH NO turns out “I love you too… go to sleep Jared” There’s a smile on my face that is NEVER coming off  
“Sorry it took me so long to tell you, I… am not good with words, or letting myself feel THIS”  
“Go to sleep Jared” he kisses the side of my neck where his head is buried, sighs happily and I listen until I hear his breathing slow stilling him to sleep.  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
I am IN LOVE with Jared Leto. It’s absolutely 100% awesome, even when we fight. Because it’s not even fighting its difference of opinions about things we are passionate about, mainly art. We do art galleries like families do Disney Land it takes us days to get round the whole thing. Sometimes because we like to discuss everything in front of us in depth, sometimes it’s because we like to make out in front of paintings until we’re asked to leave and have to go back another day when different security guards are working.  
OK so I said 100% awesome, it’s also 100% AWFUL when he leaves to go on tour of places that are REALLY far away. Imagine it the man you’ve recently fallen in love with leaving you to make millions of OTHER people happy. I could have gone with him but I am too busy hyperventilating over LACMA and at least he’ll be back for that. When he left it was quite literally the most awful moment of my life. A people carrier collected him from the sidewalk outside my apartment and it went all kinds of ridiculous romantic movie and he had his head out of the window and I ran behind the car for about a minute before I thought maybe someone was taking pictures. V went with them for the first week but then came home and has taken to making me workout aggressively at every given opportunity so we effectively wear ourselves out like small children and go from work, to work-out to sleep, no time to miss anyone. NOPE not here, I have in no way spent an afternoon in the leather armchair in my studio half asleep half remembering the last time he got in the armchair with me after locking the door, so now every time I look at a certain painting all I can think of is what happened in front of it. AND THE CUM STAIN ON THE FUCKING CHAIR IS NOT HELPING.  
Would it be wrong to just sulk like a child? NO Amelia you have to remain upbeat and somewhat sultry for when Jared actually gets to call so he doesn’t know you’ve gone all super sad and soppy and please come home and let me look at those big blue eyes while you’re above me, or beneath me or just anywhere so long as your naked skin is touching mine. And your dick is… DAMMIT missing sex with Jared Leto is 100% WORSE than having NEVER had sex with Jared Leto because you think about it, everyone does, he’s Jared Leto, and you think I wonder what it’s like then you ACTUALLY find out and when it’s gone it SUCKS which is worse than having NEVER had sex with Jared Leto. I think I just confused myself. I JUST MISS HIM AND WANT HIM TO COME HOME AND FUCK ME. DAMMIT.  
But then there’s facetime sex where I can see him touching himself and I… Jesus it’s like my own personal HELL or porn I can’t decide, text sex is just fucking frustrating because he could be like mid-interview and still typing filth on his Blackberry without even breaking a sweat just fucking hiding his hard on in those stupid sweatpants and I’m trying to get my legs to remain solid and my paint brush not to just smear paint across the canvas as I cum just from his words. I HATE YOU JARED. No I don’t I love you come home please…  
I had a wobble in the middle of the night about him being Jared Leto amongst groups of sexually aggressive fan girls, and worried that he’s maybe straying which makes my heart just fucking ache and me feel stupidly sick. Emma is my saviour on that front, and sometimes I think I trust her more than Jared which is crazy, but then this isn’t a totally normal relationship. She sneaks around behind HIS back telling me that he’s sad without me, and keeps sighing and glaring at girls who try and grab his butt. And if I need any further proof he’s doing his ‘my girlfriend Amelia Henry’ again and mentioning my LACMA exhibition so much I think the entire global echelon is going to turn up for a party.  
I’m getting more and more hyper, frightened, overwhelmed and frustrated over LACMA especially after seeing the size of the room rather WING of it that I’m going to be using. I have no idea how Jared does it every night without puking or passing out from nerves, I feel like I’m about to be stripped naked and thrown into a shopping mall on Black Friday holding the last 90% off games console. There’s only one thing for it and that’s workout literally run until the panic stops and I stop missing my stupid lion faced boyfriend who’s in… actually I don’t even know where his ass is I just know it’s too far away.  
V when she’s not making out with a mound of hair, is actually a personal trainer, which comes in handy sometimes, like when I want to lose 10lb or when I need to just fucking run it all off.  
“I can’t breathe”  
“Yes you can you just think you can’t”  
“Fuck you”  
“It’s the lack of any current fucking that’s gotten us into this now get your fucking butt in gear” She sprinted ahead of me slightly as we neared the entrance to my apartment where we ran up the stairs instead of standing in the elevator “Get on the floor and push it out”  
“I can’t feel my arms”  
She punched me to the top of the arm “OW”  
“Oh I guess you CAN feel your arms NOW GET ON THE FUCKING FLOOR”  
“So bossy!”  
“If Jared said Drop to your knees NOW, you’d do it without even fucking thinking GET ON THE FLOOR”  
That’s OH SO VERY different Veronica… I’m sure you should have been a marine not a fitness instructor I feel like I’m training for armed combat not sleep, my guns are gonna be big enough to lift an ACTUAL gun which is awesome if I was Lara Croft not so good if I just want to not feel anxious about everything “How many of these things am I supposed to do?”  
“Until you really CAN’T feel your arms so stop talking start pushing” I can’t see much apart from my apartment floor and V’s sneakered feet, which are then joined by another pair of feet and I think I’ve gone into some kind of ‘zone’ from working out and I’m hallucinating because there’s only one person with sneakers and socks like that. Then there’s a whole body in my line of vision with blue eyes looking into mine “DON’T STOP” V literally put her foot in the middle of my back keeping me in place.  
“No Amelia please don’t stop” FUCK YOU I’ve not seen you in four weeks and all of a sudden you’re here and doing fucking push ups opposite me, I can hear V laughing from above us as she removes her foot from my back “You’re all sweaty…”  
“WHY ARE YOU HERE?”  
“Well I’m pleased to see you too… now don’t stop you’re doing SO well… of course unless you’d like me to help you out with your obvious sexual frustration”  
“AND THAT is my queue to leave…”  
“Jamie’s at the…” V doesn’t even reply to him she just slams the door behind her and I can hear her sprinting down the corridor and I’m STILL doing push ups opposite Jared “I think you can stop now” He’s doing that thing where he moves quicker than lightening and I don’t know how it actually happens without anyone getting injured but I’m on my back sticking to the floor from sweating from running and training to be a marine (apparently) with him on top of me “Sorry hello… shall we start this again? I’m back, Tomo got sick we had to cancel the last two shows it was all very last minute I wanted to surprise you… I missed you”  
“I’m all sweaty” Because I’m not going to tell you that I might have cried a couple of times over missing you so much, or that I think I love you even more than I thought possible right now seeing as you’re here OR how much I want you to just fucking pull my hair and nail me through the floor.  
“I don’t care” his lips almost apprehensively touch mine, so gentle, and I worry that I must taste awful never mind what I smell like but his lips part and he sinks down on to me pinning me to floor using one of his hands to pull my legs around his waist. I want to take my clothes off, PLEASE let me take my clothes off “I’m going to get you naked, then I’m going to fuck you, you’re going to cum screaming my name then we might do it all over again ok?” Jared I am so fucking turned on right now you have no idea, you might be about to find out though “Right use those arms to hold on ok?”  
I do as I’m told and wrap my arms (and legs for good measure) around him and he manages to stand up with me attached to him (like a limpet HA! Jared now YOU know how it feels) and he carries me to my bedroom and hurls me backwards on the bed, yanks my Nikes off with some aggression that if I wasn’t so fucking desperate to get naked I think I would complain about him hurting my ankles when he did it. He’s stripping out of his jacket and shirt, kicking off his shoes, looking down on me just licking his lips and I can see his erection outlined in his sweatpants. Fucking hurry up Jared! He hooks his fingers into the waistband of my running tights and pulls them down and off along with my thong leaving me just in my sports bra “Now are you going to take that off or am I?” My hands are behind my back not taking my eyes off him as he finally removes his sweatpants and boxers. OH GOD I missed you, now get down here Jared. He crawls so slowly up my body and he’s doing it just to fucking tease me and I try to grab him and pull him down but he just pins my arms above my head in one hand and uses his other to slide up the inside of my thighs, the pads of his fingertips hitting my clit, oh fuck… “I missed you SO much Amelia… especially this part of you” his fingers slide inside me and I’m just fucking done, trying so hard to wriggle from his grip so I can touch him I NEED TO TOUCH HIM “You’re impatient anyone would think you’d not had any dick in over a month…” STOP teasing me Jared I am going to make you sorry I swear to cow, his fingers are still inside me and I can see his dick just fucking twitching in my direction. Jared this is NOT the time for your I’m the big bad Jared act, I know you’re just as desperate for it as I am so stop fucking around and start with the actual fucking. He takes his fingers out of me and puts them to my lips letting me wrap my tongue around them tasting myself, and he makes one of those ridiculous noises and I know at that moment he’s done with all the teasing, and he finally puts his weight down on me, wrapping my legs around his waist again; his dick sliding into me, like a the last puzzle piece, my back arches in automatic response to the pleasure my body has been missing.  
“OH FUCK”  
“OH fuck indeed Amelia…” he finally releases my hands from above my head and starts to pump his hips with force and purpose, we become a blur of moving too quick arms and hands both of us wanting to touch as much as we can of the other. OH GOD Jared I missed you and not just the sex. And now you’re back and back inside me and… FUCK how do you do that? I go from being ok to a quivering fucking wreck with just the tiniest push of your hips and you are hitting me in all the right places right now… I grab him and try and still him into the position he’s in, I’m so fucking close and he’s making these ridiculous sounds that should be illegal in every state. Even when he’s kissing me, biting me, just fucking wrecking me he’s still making those sounds. I don’t even care how loud I’m being right now because I MISSED MY BOYFRIEND FUCKING ME and making me cum, oh fuck…  
“Can’t… stop…”  
He lets out this fucking throaty chuckle at my on the edge of bliss state “Don’t stop it… cum for me… let go Amelia”  
“FUCK… JARED”  
“Oh holy fuck….” I feel his hips slam and his body tense, his dick twitching as he cums which makes me cum again, I don’t know how or why, it just fucking happened and I think he’ll have marks on his back for a while because of it. Sorry Jared, I’ll kiss it better… “Jesus I feel like I lost about 10lb there just in fucking cum…” he’s still on top of me looking at me all silly grins that reaches to the corners of his eyes “Are you ok?”  
I am SO much better now Jared, don’t go away again for a while huh? “Yeah… hello, I realised I didn’t say it”  
“Yes well Hello” he kisses me again really deeply and pulls himself away from me, where I can see I am a big sweaty red mess, attractive… “Sorry I didn’t call I just… as soon as the Dr said Tomo couldn’t go on… he’s just got food poisoning but we couldn’t immediately reschedule… anyway I just wanted to come back to you, first time that’s happened well EVER and after the photos of you running in your FUCKING BRA yesterday…”  
WAIT WHAT “What?”  
“You are dreadful for not looking on the internet aren’t you?” Well Jared I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve been kind of busy FREAKING out about things “You got papped yesterday running with V, Shannon saw it asked me why he was looking at a photo of my girlfriends tits bouncing…” OH GOD I’m NEVER leaving the house again, my sweaty sports bra has been seen by millions and Jared thinks it’s REALLY funny apparently “Well I liked it but it just made me realise it’s been too long since I’d seen your bra”  
“I’m going to start wearing a shirt when I go”  
“Don’t… I want to come with you, watch your tits bounce”  
“They don’t in that bra THAT’S THE POINT”  
“Well that’s not as fun as I thought… I still love you though bouncing boobs or not”  
“I love you too”  
He looks at me and those eyes still take me by surprise like he’s looking right into my soul and I expect something really deep to come out of his mouth “You wanna go fuck in the shower? If you’re a good girl I’ll cum on your face”  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
I am in an Oscar De La Renta gown that is going to get my puke down it soon and I’ve been wrestled into a pair of heels that have spines instead of stilettos that I am going to fall off. I’d been ok all day I actually woke up and shouted like a gladiator referee ART READY? ARTIST READY? LET’S GO. As soon as I had to get ready though? Bag of bastard nerves.  
Ok Amelia it’s ok, this is NOT a big deal, this is an exhibition that’s all and you don’t have the added stress of parents meet Jared, Jared meet parents. My sister in law has quite conveniently gone into labour and they’ve all fucked off to San Fran because first grandchildren are more important. Whatever family WHAT.EVER.  
I’ve tried to go to LACMA twice today and they won’t let me in, my agent had given them strict instructions that once the paintings had been delivered I was to be kept out of the premises to save me trying to alter anything. They had a plan of how things were supposed to be displayed and it’s ONLY six paintings I don’t know why this is such a big deal. People have seen my art before, I haven’t dramatically changed style, and WHY is this whole event more like some kind of nightclub frat party as opposed to an art exhibition? There’s a DJ and a buffet and a bar, ok so maybe it’s more like a wedding. I now pronounce you artist and art. Oh this is not going well. V is meeting me there with Jamie and Shannon and all the other people that are turning up from the Mars camp. Why are they all coming? It’s really VERY boring it’s not like a rock concert. Maybe it’ll bore everyone into falling asleep we can go home and then the nightmare will be over.  
I feel like I’m getting picked up for prom, which I never went to, because school was not kind to me, this is going to turn into that bit in Never Been Kissed and I’m going to get pelted with eggs aren’t I? AND WHY do I need to arrive in a limo? This isn’t prom, a wedding, a movie premier, ITS AN ART EXHIBITION. And WHERE is Jared? No I don’t want him here, I don’t want him to see me freaking out and puking in this ridiculous outfit, why does he have to come in the limo with me anyway? Why can’t I go solo on this like I usually do, if there’s a fucking red carpet I am NOT walking up it. I’ll go in the back way because I’m an ARTIST not a movie star.  
Get a GRIP Amelia. I can’t, I really can’t anymore, I can’t do this, I’m gonna pass out I’m gonna puke. I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK. Call V get her to cancel everything, change into sweatpants and hide.  
“There’s Valium in your bathroom cabinet, take it, this is it what it’s for, also before you think about running I have all your bank, credit cards and money in my purse, see you soon, love you” and with that she hangs the phone up. Twat.  
Looking in the bathroom mirror after necking the medication I quickly found, I can see I’ve rubbed most of my foundation off, should I try to fix it? WHERE is Jared? At least my eyeliner is still straight. I remember the time after the bowl show where he wiped my wonky eyeliner away. WOW that seems like a lifetime ago when he was still Jared Leto sexual lion of scary NO WAIT he’s still Jared Leto sexual lion of scary. Just now I get to see it naked, in the comfort of my own (and his) home and not through the screen anymore. GOD he does things to me, things I didn’t think I would be into, things I thought might be scary, when he’s in control and I am just a fucking sexual puppet and he pulls me round by my hair, or ties me up to something or just to myself. It’s beautiful. He pulls something out of me that I didn’t even know was there. He’s not coming is he? Thanks Jared, really good time to stand me up.  
“Little pea?” I’m in the bathroom trying not to puke don’t come in don’t come in “oh you’re there… WOAH who are you and WHAT have you done with my girlfriend? I didn’t bring a corsage… well I feel like a total douche right now sorry you look beautiful” he kisses the end of my nose, which is just oh oh oh Jared  
“S’ok” Did I just slur my words slightly? WHOOPS OH LOOK AT YOU Jared LOOK at you, in a suit, and you’re wearing proper shoes, not triangle sneakers or zip up combat boots, and you smell oh my god so good, come here and let me sniff you, did someone do YOUR hair? HOW is your hair better than mine?  
“Have you been drinking?” I shake the packet of medication into his line of sight “Valley of the Dolls, awesome, do you feel vaguely calmer? V text me and said I wasn’t to let you run, not that I think you could go very far in those heels”  
“I feel…” How do I feel? My head feels a little fuzzy and my limbs are all floaty light “Good”  
“Ok then princess let’s get you to the ball, ready? I promise I won’t try and fuck you in the limo, although… you’re keeping those shoes on later understood?”  
Yes and I cannot wait to dig them into your flesh “OK” oh that came out as an almost giggle  
“Do you take Valium a lot?” I shake my head I think they’re left over from a flight I took to Japan, and I had to take them because flying FREAKS ME OUT, he puts a small kiss to my cheek and pulls his Blackberry out of his pocket “Emma do you think you could come and assist Emmy this evening if we collect you on the way? My Little Pea is in the Valley of the Dolls and she’s nice and calm which is good, but I think if people ask her questions she’s just going to giggle… thanks we’ll be there soon”  
“I would have been fine you know”  
“I know you would, because you’re very happy right now, we’ll take Emma because she got me up many red carpets when I was also as happy as you are now on masses of pain relief ok?”  
“Red carpet?”  
“Breathe little pea, breathe Amelia come on, all is fine, I am not going to let go of your hand until you tell me to ok? You’re not on your own anymore… I’m here, FOR YOU” I could cry, I THINK from happiness, shit, right pull yourself together. Purse? Don’t need it, nothing to put in it, because my best friend has stolen all my belongings  
“Can I put my cell in your pocket?”  
“Oh I see I’ve turned into your personal pack horse for the evening? I’m JOKING of course my pocket’s all yours for the evening anyway, ready? I’m excited to see the paintings” I’d banned him from the studio as I finished them and painted the final one, which I HOPE he’s not going to be pissed about “And you really do look amazing, even if I can’t see your splendid legs under all that whatever it is”  
“Tule”  
“That’s the word, come on artist ready?” I nodded “Well then your public awaits my lady”  
We sat in the limo with Jared’s hand on my knee literally pushing it down to stop it jiggling around. Emma was like a total aura of calm when she climbed in, asked me a load of questions about what I was happy about being asked if there was any press and what was the phone number for my PR company called them and laid down the law about leaving me by myself having a panic attack. I need an Emma of my own. Jared left me in my own thoughts and was busy doing whatever it is Jared does on his Blackberry he was more than happy though for me to rest my head on his shoulder, putting kisses to my forehead every so often. He’s SO weird and REALLY attractive and looking like a beautiful lion with a splendid mane of hair this evening. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the Valium. I’m so caught up in my thoughts about Jared’s shiny hair that I fail to notice the limo stopping. I look to Emma she gives me a nod and slips out, Jared is sat by the door which I’m happy about because it means he’ll get out first and I can’t see much of what’s going on until I step out of the limo. AND HOLY HELL THAT’S A LOT OF FLASHES, and there’s banners hanging from the front of the building with my name in HUGE letters and the dates of the exhibition that weren’t there earlier. THERE’S SO MANY PEOPLE in the foyer when we get inside, after not being asked any questions outside to my relief I then clock a load of journalists from various newspaper supplements and art publications. SHIT thought I’d got away with that then. WHY is everyone stood out here and not in with the art? Emma shuffles up to me and says everyone is waiting for me from what she can gather shit do I have to cut a fucking ribbon because I AM NOT doing that. Jared’s got a tight hold on my hand and is happily chatting away to whoever is within his sight about whatever. Emma disappears again and comes back and says it ok the curator of the gallery will make an introduction all I have to do is stand next to him and smile, but I have to do it without Jared. RIGHT I CAN DO THIS. I nod at Jared and kiss his bearded cheek we’re nearly eye level with me in these ludicrous heels. I start to walk away only for him to pull me back slightly and kiss me quite hard, so by the time I’m stood next to the curator by the door to the room with my paintings in I’ve got a REALLY stupid look on my face and I’m clutching a glass of champagne which has got V looking worried as last time I mixed Valium and booze I feel asleep within minutes.  
“Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for joining us here tonight, without further ado I give you “A Never Ending Story” by Amelia Henry” There’s a small round of applause as he pushes the door open. This is so ridiculous. BUT this is Hollywood. My lovely lion face is back at my side as the door fully opens and people start to file into the room. V quickly pulls the glass out of my hand and replaces it with a glass of what looks like orange juice.  
“Jared there’s something you should know” and I really hope you don’t get pissed with me about this  
“What’s that?” I can see that most people are stood in front of the piece I need to tell Jared about SHIT. I spy Shannon in front of it looking a bit, either like he’s going to laugh or cry, oh god don’t cry I couldn’t handle a crying Shannon Leto, that’s like the saddest panda ever. Thankfully he gives me thumbs up “Why is everyone stood in front of that one? What’s wrong with the other ones? Pfft all your art is as awesome as each other”  
“Erm thanks…” We’re getting closer to where the big crowd is and I’m wondering how long it’s going to take for him to notice what they’re looking at  
“That’s… it’s me…” He forgets he’s holding on to my hand and pulls me towards the painting, my feet trying to keep up in the stupid heels on them “It’s me… I look… like… my face is HUGE” It’s true the painting of Jared is the size of a billboard that’s split into four equal sized canvases which is how I fit things into my studio and don’t have to work on you know, billboards, outside where people can see. I’m NOT Banksy despite what Jared thinks. I wonder if they’re here I know they’re in LA. Another thing that frustrates the hell out of Jared, I know Banksy he doesn’t “I have no idea what to say right now what’s it called?”  
“Jared Leto, Boyfriend, Awesome”  
“You are… this is… I’m buying it”  
“You don’t need to BUY it Jared it’s not for sale it’s already yours”  
He pulls me close into his arms, or as close as he can get me, my dress is preventing him basically grinding against me and literally dips me, kissing me. I feel the flashes going off and I suspect that instead of a photo of me smiling in the art supplements there’s just going to be photo of me getting my lips nearly pulled off by Jared Leto “You are AMAZING” he stands me back up “And the painting it’s… it’s more than just my face, it’s what I SEE when I look in the mirror, it’s my whole being, I don’t know how you did it, but little pea it’s… it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen, you’re so talented, and I love you” he leans down to my ear and lowered his voice “you filthy filthy dirty little freak” OH GOD DON’T let there be photos of this because my face is a mixture of god I feel like I’m going to cum and a stupid stupid smirky smile…  
“Amelia can we get a few words from you for The LA Times?”

It’s done well the important parts of it are done. I turned up I smiled sweetly and answered as many questions as I could. All the paintings (apart from the one of Jared) were bought within the first hour. Two of them will be lent to public galleries and the other three will hang in people’s homes (people with really big homes and bigger than the size of billboards) I hope they’re not too far away or I’ll end up driving a movers van across the country again. I wonder if I could persuade Jared to come with me, we could put a mattress and some sleeping bags in the back, go road tripping have sex; loads and loads of sex. He spent the last hour of me talking to various publications and patrons of the arts while eye fucking me and making obscene gestures with his hands when no one was looking so much so that I wanted to rip my clothes of in the middle of the fucking gallery and wrap my legs round him. He’s plotting something I can see it in his eyes. Shannon’s gone, left with a pink haired girl who was waitressing. V and Jamie have disappeared probably to a love nest somewhere to say soppy things to each other. That’s not what I want right now. My Valium is wearing off and that fucking lion faced man of mine is going to take me home and pound me through various surfaces around my apartment until I fall asleep, but not in his arms, that’s for soppy people.  
“Are you ready to leave?” he slides up to me as the journo sent from British Vogue leaves me after asking me more questions about what me and Jared are wearing tonight than the art  
“So ready, where’s your Mom?”  
“Emma took her home she said to say she’s very proud of you”  
“That’s so nice” I can’t believe I was once scared of Constance, she’s officially the loveliest Mom ever, maybe even lovelier than my own, who’s not here, yes I know first grandchildren but this exhibition is MY baby.  
“Anyway lets us get out of here and you out of that dress” You read my mind Jared, you read my mind. I’m in a cab as opposed to a limo apparently Shannon decided to take MY limo to make out with a waitress but I don’t care because Jared trying to put his hand up my dress under layers of lace, satin and tulle is hilarious. We crash in through the apartment door, Jared unlocking it because apparently I was in such a stupor leaving he had the good sense to actually remember a key to get back in “This fucking dress is ANNOYING, take it off and turn around” he’s leaning against the closed apartment door shucking his jacket off and throwing it to the ground while I just stand staring at him “Take it off Amelia” Oh god there’s that voice that one that he uses when he tells me to cum and I end up just fucking shaking against him and gripping my fingers so hard into his flesh he gets bruises. Should I make a show of taking my dress off or should I just take it off? I’m just going to take it off, right the zipper is… don’t be stuck, please don’t be stuck. It eventually comes down and I push the dress to the floor and step out of it kicking it towards where Jared has thrown his jacket turning my back to him as asked “DO NOT take the shoes off clear?”  
“Yes Jared”  
He pulls my wrists together behind my back and I feel them being bound with something, probably the tie he was wearing… once I’m secure he turns me back round “Are you ok?” I manage to nod and keep a serious face when all I want to do is grin from ear to ear “Good now KNEES” I drop to my knees in front of him in just my underwear and shoes, looking up as he undoes his belt buckle and pants pushing them down. I’m going to tell him one day how much I love his cock and how much I love it when I get to suck it, but right now I’m going to see if I can get HIS knees to shake. As I put my lips to the head and sink my mouth down around it his hands tangle into my hair and start to pull my head back and forth. He knows my limits with this he knows that if he makes me gag I will pinch him to make him stop. I can feel my own thigh muscles clenching pulling the tops of my legs together, trying to create friction so desperate already for him to touch me “You dirty, dirty girl… harder” I increase the pressure of my mouth and one of those beautiful sounding moans comes from his throat. Oh fuck, do you have any idea how you sound right now? If I could speak right now I would literally be telling him to fuck my mouth like a porn star, so instead I moan around his length causing him to moan again and the pulling on my hair become more vigorous. I love it when he cums in my mouth it’s such a rush, it makes me feel like he’s literally putty in my hands, or mouth rather. I feel my head being pulled backwards with a hard tug my mouth being torn away from what it was doing. He’s looking down on me licking his lips “Stand up Amelia” I pull myself to my feet standing up while he pulls off his shirt and kicks his suit pants and boxers all the way off adding them to the growing pile of discarded clothes. He spins me back around like a doll in his hands. His breath is at my ear and I shudder “If you’re a good girl I’ll untie you …”  
“And if I DON’T want to be untied?” He slaps his hand across my butt with a loud smack that echoes around the room along with a moan from me  
“Keep being naughty, now bra off I think” his fingers dance up my spine and pull my bra open pushing it away from my body and he stands forwards slightly I can feel his erection against my hip and I let myself grind against it slightly while he hooks his arms around my front and firmly squeezes my breasts, sucking my the flesh of my neck my knees start to tremble in response to his hands and mouth “Get on the couch” there’s another hard slap to my butt “NOW Amelia” I walk over and sink on to the couch, arms still behind my back and he gets down on his knees in front of me, oh god I think I know where this going, oh please let this be going where I think it’s going… “I want to feel those heels dig into my back” OH YES you kinky fuck. He puts his hands up and slides my panties off, if this couch ends up with a cum stain on it I will just put a throw over it. He pulls my legs over his shoulders and puts his mouth to my core, oh god, I want to touch him I need to touch him. I’m literally at his mercy right now my arms bound and my legs aren’t going anywhere. I actually feel quite bad about the hard moulded plastic digging into his back via my shoes, his back is going to be scratched up and people will probably see it if he takes his top off. FUCK YES, I am going to sit back and just fucking smirk and think I did that. As the pressures of his mouth get harder against me, I feel myself closer to breaking apart and my heels dig harder making him moan against me. All I want to do is run my hands across my own breasts perhaps put a hand to the top of his head but my arms are still bound. He slips two fingers inside me thrusting them in time with his tongue.  
“OH fuck…” Sometimes when he gets me to this point he just fucking stops and tells me not yet, please Jared not this time, I can’t fucking hold it in, it’s all cumming together so beautifully, and I want to I really fucking need to actually “Jared I’m cumming” he murmurs against me, just fucking hums and I am hit with an orgasm so hard that I think I might have drawn blood on his back, if I have I am so sorry.  
“Do you have ANY idea how you sound when you cum?”  
“Do you have any idea how YOU sound when you fuck me?” He pulls himself on to the couch so we are sitting side by side and I can’t touch his dick and it’s really unfair, maybe I could just put my mouth around it again…  
“I think you’ll find you’re going to be the one doing the fucking” oh really Jared and how do you propose I do that? Oh well… I’m going to need a little help here see because you’ve tied my arms behind my back “Your shoes are still staying on, now come and sit on my dick” he helps me on to his lap, my legs straddling him and I sink down, my knees pushing hard into the cushions beneath us. Luckily his hands and arms are working for both of us he pulls me closer to him as I push my body up and down as hard as I can. His mouth bites down into the flesh of my breast before travelling up my neck where he reaches a hand into my hair and pulls it tugging my head back. Oh fuck, this is hot, this is so hot I think it should be illegal, Jared you should be illegal everywhere and have to live in space because the things you do… holy fuck, I think my heels are digging into and scratching my leather couch, my thighs, his thighs and I don’t even fucking care “Harder Amelia”  
“You’re so fucking DEMANDING” and my poor knees were not meaning for riding Jared Leto’s cock on my couch, they’re starting to hurt. He slammed his hips upwards and oh fuck I don’t care about my knees anymore, Jesus fucking Christ. He’s still pulling my hair with one hand and putting the other down to my clit, Jared do not do that because I will not be able to stop myself from cumming, AGAIN, and I’m fairly sure I’m being loud enough right now. I look down at him and his face heats me up even more he’s looking at me like I’m all that matters. Jared Leto your sex face is SO hot. I get my thrusts into some kind of forceful rhythm and it feels like… there are no words.  
“And I’m going to DEMAND that you cum” you’re very sure of yourself there aren’t you? Oh god he’s right though, his fingers are just pushing in all the right places, fuck, oh god. I cum so hard I nearly fall and only just save myself by resting my bound hands on his knees. He’s let go of my hair and has both hands on my hips just slamming me up and down, those fantastic noises he makes coming thick and fast, like a symphony to my ears, I can feel his legs start to tense underneath me, his head thrown back slightly and I am a ball of frustration of just wanting to touch him oh so bad as he cums loudly and forcefully. I am going to have bruises on my inner thighs for weeks Jared “I suppose I should untie you…” He reaches behind me and uses both his hands to undo the knot holding his tie around my wrists. Finally able to move my arms I wrap them tightly around his neck and bring him towards me kissing him deeply “Shall we go to bed?”  
“I take it you’re staying here?” He has his own key, for reasons, and I’d often been woken up in the middle of the night by him crawling into bed with me claiming he slept better next to me, even when I knew it was so he could try and touch me up and nothing to do with sleeping  
“If that’s ok?” he looks so… adorable, we’ve gone from me being tied up while he looks at me like he’s going to eat me (and did) to an almost sad pleading face that I can never say no to  
“Of course, I should clean out a drawer in the dresser so you can put some clothes in there as opposed to you hauling your backpack here all the time”  
He puts a hand up to the side of my face and brings me back down to kiss him sweetly “I’d really like that Little Pea” oh then Jared when you’re not here I can put your clothes on to make myself feel better. This is a PLAN. God I love you why do I love you SO much? I think I love you more than I loved anyone and it’s terrifying “Would you like me to help you take your shoes off?” I nod lost in my own thoughts and he helps me off his lap and on to the couch next to him allowing him to pull my shoes off. He lifts my wrists towards him and I see there’s a slight friction burn around them from being bound so tight and he first kisses them then gently blows against the red marks “Sorry”  
“Don’t be… BUT why do you do it? I’m not saying that being tied up isn’t killer hot because holy fuck seriously, is it about control?” I’m sat next to him on the couch totally naked and I think I might have over stepped a mark there, because he lets out this sad sigh, Jared I’m sorry, please don’t be sad…  
“I think because I was so hurt by… people in the past, the way I learnt to deal with it was to control people through sex, if I was in complete control there was no danger of me being hurt… does that make sense?” I feel my head nod in response “But then I got so used to it that it was the only thing that worked for me, the only thing that excited me, until you fell into my world of course” My heart is flippity flopping around, I hate when he says sappy things to me, I feel scared because I’m not in control of my heart he’s got it in the palm of his hand and I feel like it’s just sat there waiting for him to crush it, how do you get over being dumped by Jared Leto? I’m sure it’s sent saner people crazy “But NOW I do it because I know YOU like it and when I tell you to do things you get this look on your face that makes my fucking dick twitch and I like that you DON’T let me walk all over you, I have the upmost respect for that, I know that when you say no you really mean it and you will erm… pinch me if I push you too far”  
“I’ll never hurt you…” I barely manage to whisper that, I’ve gone all Anastasia Steele, get a grip Amelia. I think though my lion face has just admitted something to ME that he might never have said to anyone outside of a therapist’s couch  
“I know you won’t, the most important thing to me in our relationship is that I trust you, totally and utterly, I don’t know if I’ve ever had that or if I did I can’t remember… plus that and the fact that I love you, so much Amelia, sorry if I don’t tell you enough… shall we go to bed?”  
“Yeah” I feel like some kind of fucking flood gate has been opened here, and I’m not sure if I should close it again or leave it open, tonight has been a fucking wild ride from start to finish and I’m still sitting naked on my couch next to Jared Leto. He stands up and offers his hand out to me, we walk to my bedroom holding hands neither of us speaking but the silence isn’t uncomfortable. He pulls back the comforter for me to climb under, I don’t want to put my pyjamas on tonight I want to feel his skin next to mine, even when I get too hot and sweaty and his dick pokes me. I lay on my back expecting him to starfish over me, but instead he lies next to me on his back and pulls the comforter on top of us then open his arm out to me and cocks his head slightly, I turn on to my side and pool up to him, letting my own body plaster against his.  
He hooks a finger under my chin and takes my lips to his, just gently “I was so proud of you tonight Little Pea…”  
“Thank you”  
“No thank you for letting me be a part of it, I really do love you”  
“I love you too”  
“Goodnight Little Pea”  
“Goodnight Lion Man”  
“Lion Man?” I don’t even need to see his face to know he’s cocking an eyebrow at me right now, he doesn’t say anything else instead he sighs happily and I lay awake listening to the sound of his breathing until he falls asleep.  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
I am sick, I am oh so sick. I have NO immune system, its shit; I’m told it’s from being so sick as a teenager. I’m not letting Jared near me. He’s such a fucking germaphobe, I don’t want him here while I cough splutter and sneeze all over myself. One it’s not attractive and two I can see his ‘this is freaking me out’ face from here, and he’s not even on the same continent as me right now. Plus I’m a big girl I can cope with a cold. I blame my bloody brother and my new nephew who came to visit, babies are smothered in germs, and I was still thankful for Jared being away while the full Henry family invasion, Jared meet parents is my main source of anxiety for some reason. I think mainly it’s because I’m convinced my parents will know I like him to tie me up and spank me and I’ll die of embarrassment.  
My cold became something else, it became the flu, consciousness is not my strong point right now, there’s no food in the apartment, which is fine because I don’t want to eat but I’d kill for some Vitamin water. I haven’t spoken to my lion man in a couple of days he’s been busy being Jared on tour and Jared promoting his film and I haven’t told him I’ll ill, he’ll probably think he can get my germs through his Blackberry and start disinfecting everything and making people wear the germ masks and rubber gloves again.  
I’ve been on the couch for some time, I’m not sure how long, I don’t know where my phone is, I feel sick, I can’t breathe, my chest hurts and I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve been crying.  
“Little Pea?” There’s banging at the door, shit Jared, shit Jared no… “I’ve been trying to get hold of you, Amelia?” I wrap the blanket around me and waddle over to the door leaving me horrifically out of breath, and trying to breathe HURTS, why does it hurt?  
“Go… go way Jared I’m sick”  
“I know V told me you had a cold you should have told me I thought you were just avoiding me”  
“Don’t be silly BUT you don’t want to get sick and you hate germs so…”  
“BUT I LOVE you, germs or no germs, come on Little Pea”  
“NO Jared” I don’t want to make you sick and make you hate me for making you sick  
“This is ridiculous, I’m just going to let myself in” I hear the key turning in the lock, and my chest hurts so fucking much, I can’t breathe, I try to focus on Jared’s face but it’s all fuzzy “Oh Jesus fucking Christ Amelia”  
I don’t know what happened next, everything went black.  
“You’ll need to give her these three times a day, and she needs total rest, plenty of fluids and light meals, soup, crackers, toast… it might get worse before it gets better if her temperature gets above 38 or she starts vomiting and doesn’t stop for over 24 hours then call 911 ok?” Whose voice is that? Why am I in bed? I think I’m in bed… how did I get here? I think I can hear a knocking sound coming from somewhere and another voice  
“Jay? Oh hey Doc… Jesus she looks awful… Emmy? Sorry I won’t wake her, I got everything you wanted from the market will you be ok?... Well just ring me if you want some time out, I’ll sit with her I’ll see you later”  
“Right I’ll leave you to it and remember Jared you can’t be too careful with pneumonia so if you have any concerns call me on my cell ok? Bye for now”  
I feel the bed dip next to me and cool soft fingers brush across my forehead, I think I’m dreaming, and I still feel sick. I try and get a breath and just fucking cough to the point my eyes are streaming, great really attractive. The hand moves to my back rubbing in circular motions “It’s ok Little Pea I’m here…”  
“Happened?”  
“You’ve got mild pneumonia you flaked out so I called the band’s Doctor he’s given you some antibiotics…” I get Jared’s face finally into focus and he’s SO pale so so pale, what’s wrong Jared? It’s the germs isn’t it? I’m sorry, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes “Hey… whoa don’t cry, it’s gonna be ok, I’m here now…”  
“Germs… you’re so pale”  
“I told you I don’t care about the germs… and I’m so pale because you just scared the shit out of me, Amelia you need to lean on me sometimes, stop being so stubbornly independent” He hear him sigh, shit I’ve made him mad, please don’t be mad “Shannon’s brought some food because as usual your cupboards and fridge were empty, I’ve called your parents…” I have a another coughing fit and he helps me take a sip of water “Your Mom said to call her if I needed anything then asked me why we haven’t met yet, which Little Pea I do not know the answer to, we’ve been together over six months now…”  
“You’re pissed” I can feel the tears coming again, being ill fucks with my emotions, and I have NO energy to fight with him  
“I’m not pissed… I’m NOT, I’m frustrated Amelia you’re not super woman, you should have told me you were ill, I thought you’d… I don’t know… Look just get some rest ok? I will be right here, are you hungry? No… I’ll let you get away with not eating for now but you will eat at least some crackers later ok? Now…” his lips feel like ice blocks against my burning forehead “Sleep Little Pea”  
The next 72 hours pass in a blur of sleep, coughing and Jared forcing food, water and medication into me. I don’t even know what day it is. I really want a bath or a shower, either or, I must smell AWFUL and my hair is doing something that probably looks like a birds nest. I don’t know what time of day it is, maybe midmorning because last time I half opened my eyes it was dark and now it’s light and it feels warmer. I turn over and snuggle up to Jared who’s sitting on the bed with his ipad in his hands.  
“Time is it? I just want to be better… When I’m better I’m gonna give you head while you drive to Whole Foods, it’ll be awesome” wait Jared’s legs are smaller than these ones I’ve got my head on and something smells different, not that I can smell much  
“Erm…” not Jared, not Jared SHIT I open one eye upwards and see a blushing Shannon looking down on me so I groan and pull myself away putting my head back on the pillow  
“Sorry Hanny”  
“Hey no worries, you’re awake do you want anything? Drink? Food?” The ground to swallow me up would be nice “Jared’s gone to do an interview he won’t be gone long though”  
“I would have been ok alone”  
“Emmy please, you can barely move, and your breathing which I’ve been told has gotten better has been scaring the shit out of me for the past couple of hours I was convinced you were going to just stop breathing altogether… are you sure you don’t want anything to eat? Your Mom brought over a load of cookies and homemade soup last night”  
“My MOM was here?”  
“Yup and my Mom, apparently they already knew each other from yoga, I had one of the cookies they’re really fucking good considering they’re Vegan, Jared’s favourites are oatmeal and raisin too… tell you what you stay here…” I don’t think I can move unaided Shan wouldn’t worry about me going anywhere “And I’ll go get you one and some Gatorade ok?” He puts his ipad down next to me and bounds out of the room leaving me to panic over Jared and my Mom being in the same room, my Mom telling Jared all my most embarrassing childhood secrets probably “Do you want me to help you sit up?” I try to push myself up slightly but just fall back down coughing which from the look on Shannon’s face must be bad but actually feels kind of better “I’ll take that as a yes…” He builds me a nest out of all the pillows and pulls me up the bed, without so much as blinking, his arms are like pneumatic drills Jesus…  
“Thanks” I’m half sitting up which feels weird in itself seeing as I’ve not done it in days and he hands me a cookie wrapped in a napkin and puts a bottle of Gatorade on the bed next to me “Are you ok?”  
“Me? Yeah I’m fine, germs don’t freak me out too bad, plus we’re on downtime so doesn’t matter if I get sick…” Jared’s not on downtime though he doesn’t know the meaning of the word, if he could not sleep and just work never running out of energy he would, I can feel myself getting teary again “HEY sorry I didn’t mean to upset you, Emmy oh… Little Pea… what did I say?”  
“Jared… germs… my Mom… hate being ill”  
“Jared is crazy about you, I thought he’d have been here disinfecting everything in his rubber gloves and germ mask, but he’s just… different now, he cares more for you than I’ve ever seen… When you stopped answering his calls and texts because you were sick he thought you were avoiding him in some kind of prelude to breaking up with him and he kept saying ‘I told you she was too smart for me’ and I have NO idea why you were keeping your parents away from him, your Mom thought he was the best thing in sweatpants yesterday, and even I want to meet your nephew, baby Jack is it? Families Emmy they’re supposed to be together your family, my family we’re all kind of in this now and when you’re sick you should have someone you can rely on and you do, you just try and do everything yourself and do your ‘I’m an independent grown woman’ too much, just try to lean on people more ok?”  
“You sound like Jared” I’m still sniffling around my Gatorade bottle having finished my cookie, which even with my rubbish sense of taste at the moment I know was amazing  
“Who sounds like me?” I look to the doorway and see my lovely Jared Leto in all his crazy pant wearing, shirt a bit crumpled hair still kind of damp glory “Look at you Little Pea sat up actually drinking without being forced to”  
“Had some help”  
“Well I’ll leave you to it, OH and Jared just so you know when she’s better Emmy would like you to take her to Whole Foods” OH MY GOD Shannon go AWAY, you freaking weirdy beardy face… They swap places and Jared sits down next to me and I put my head on to his lap, which yes, it’s definitely Jared these are 100% the right thighs for my head to be on, he runs his hands through my hair which must just be a bucket of grease “Call me if you need me, I’m taking a cookie, and Emmy remember I want to meet baby Jack when you’re better ok? Bye my favourite love birds” GET OUT SHANNON GET OUT! If I had the strength I would be throwing my bottle of Gatorade at you right now.  
“Do you feel better?”  
“I guess a bit… you met my Mom?”  
“Yeah she came round last night, I’ll text her and let her know you’re awake later, she already knew my Mom, small world huh?”  
“Why was your Mom here?”  
“Amelia people want to make sure you’re ok, because crazy as it sounds they care about you, do you want to have a bath and put some clean pyjamas on?”  
“Do you just want to see me naked?”  
“Well yes there’s that, but I got some stuff to put in the bath that’s supposed to help you breathe better, while I was being interviewed Emma had about 20 texts from Shannon freaking out that you were just going to stop breathing altogether, you stay here and I’ll go run a bath”  
Jared Leto is ludicrous that’s the only word for him, I’ve been stripped out of my pyjamas that I’m not sure how long I’d been wearing, put in a bath of really nice smelling menthol stuff AND had my hair washed, he’s changed my bed sheets and found me clean pyjamas to put on when I get out. When did he become some kind of domestic goddess? And look stupidly happy while he’s doing it? He adds some more hot water to the bath before stripping off and slipping into the water opposite me and I thank heavens for my slightly larger than average tub “How was your interview?”  
“Good, I was worried about you though I should have just cancelled”  
“You can’t cancel things for me”  
“Little Pea, you really have no idea how important you are to me do you?” he smiles softly and scoops bubbles up and tries to put them on my face in some kind of bubble beard “There now we have matching beards… what did you want to go to Whole Foods for?”  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
I’m FINALLY taking Jared to meet my parents well I’m taking Jared, Shannon, Constance, Jamie and V to my parent’s house for dinner. My brother is oh so graciously gracing us with his presence and therefore everyone must turn up look presentable and coo over the baby, MEH. We’re going in a people carrier with blacked out windows like we’re on some kind of fucking spy mission with a driver, and I swear to cow Jared if you’re wearing PVC pants when you turn up we are not going anywhere until you’ve got changed. I’m the last to get picked up, which leaves me with more time to panic. Jared just wanders in, don’t knock then Leto, just you know, he has his own key I don’t know why I’m surprised… why do you look so smart?  
“Hey you ready? The car’s waiting”  
“Why do you look so smart?”  
“Why must you always be so suspicious?” he takes me by the hand and leads me out of the apartment locking the door behind him guiding me to the car waiting outside I’m still glaring at him “I want to make a good first impression, your Dad and brother… it’s… it’s a guy thing, now get in the car and stop panicking” he pulls the sliding door open and I climb into to sit next to his Mom, Jamie V and Shannon are in the very back, my ass gets a very hard smack to a round of giggles from everyone and a stern look from me “Sorry, but don’t stick your ass in my face like that…” OH this is not going to end well  
“Shannon why are you here?”  
“Because I told you I want to meet your nephew I love babies, they’re SO small and cute”  
“Shannon do you secretly have ovaries?” Even V is confused about Shannon’s love for miniature humans  
“Come on girls everyone loves babies” Shannon you look so much like a girl now even with a beard and arms the size of oak trees  
“Not me and Emmy”  
“I kind of have to love him he’s my nephew”  
“I wonder if he has that weird lump thing like yours” Jared get off me, he’s got his arm looped round my shoulder trying to touch the weird lump on the back of my left ear, my brother and Dad have them too, we have no idea why…  
“Get your hands off my weird lump thing Leto” and you sticking your fingers in my ears is kind of distracting especially when I’m sat next to YOUR MOM  
“CHILDREN! Can we just enjoy the journey? Look it’s a beautiful evening and I’m not sure I want to know about weird lumps on anyone”  
I half expect my family to be waiting outside as we pull up on to the driveway but they’re probably all out in the back yard around that stupid table my Dad bought to sit at the top of like he’s King Arthur or something. At least if they’re outside I can keep Jared away from the embarrassment of inside, where there’s my baby photos and teenage bedroom. He’s gone all quiet on me as we climb out of the car and I get the distinct impression that he’s nervous, nothing makes Jared Leto nervous, he’s Jared Leto. Maybe we should have done this just me and Jared, or maybe he feels better safety in numbers I can’t read his expression at all right now. Shannon on the other hand gives no fucks, he’s like a Labrador puppy no one can dislike him no matter what he does and is all smiles and laid back to the point of horizontal. V looks like she always does when we come to my parents slightly drained already and hopeful there’s booze and Jamie doesn’t seem to care because he’s got V next to him. My brother Art appears first from the side gate, yes he’s called Art and I appreciate the irony, its short for Arthur my parents like the letter A…  
“Sis there you are, Dad’s doing his Game of Thrones impression again, or Thor I can’t tell I’m not down with popular culture… Hi you must be Jared?” he reaches out and shakes Jared’s hand “Dude Fight Club now that I HAVE seen, I love Fight Club”  
“We’re not supposed to talk about it” Jared and Shannon laugh, those ridiculous something’s really tickled them childish laughs and everyone seems to relax slightly  
“Ahhh no I guess not and you are Shannon right? My wife made look at pictures of you all on Google last night, she KNOWS who you are” my brother introduced himself to everyone, he’s so fucking polite and confident, he got what I missed out on clearly “Right come through, see baby, eat, drink, try not to anger the Norse gods…”  
When we get into my back yard, or rather my parents back yard, my Mom, Constance and Shannon all greet each other like old friends, apparently Shannon has started going to yoga with his Mom I feel this might be some new kind of method of picking up chicks while standing on his head. Jared is clutching my hand SO tightly, which OW, lion man what’s wrong? Oh god my bloody father, what the fuck is he doing? He’s sat at the top of his big wooden table looking like Odin (this is what you get from a Historian who specialises in Mythology). I look and see Shannon’s already cradling my nephew in his arms while V looks on in horror until my sister in law Katie gives her a drink.  
“Dad… what are you doing?”  
“Ahhh daughter of Odin, fruit of my loins” Oh my GOD Dad get the fuck out you’re so ridiculous right now “FINALLY I get to meet your suitor”  
“DAD!”  
“ANDREW! Leave Jared alone… Jared it’s lovely to see you again, and under better circumstances than madam here nearly expiring on us” My Mom hugs Jared and he looks kind of happy about it  
“Anna, thank you for having us… all of us”  
“My pleasure would you like a drink? Just ignore Andrew he’s being silly, I bought him the Game of Thrones box set to watch while Jack arrived and it’s gone to his head a bit”  
“Erm I’m ok for now thanks”  
“Well come here and let me look at you”  
“Do you mean me or him Dad?”  
“Both of you” I half pull Jared over to my Dad, who thankfully stands up to greet us me first hugging me tightly “Look at you! So grown up, off fighting dragons” Dad you are actually sounding like a mentalist right now “And you’re Jared? Well it’s a pleasure son seriously” I see my Dad shake Jared’s hand and that lion faced smile is back… PHEW “Now I can’t say I’ve ever heard of 30 Seconds to Venus”  
“Mars Dad”  
“Oh right yes sorry, BUT I did see Alexander, now that’s a big ball of… something else huh?” my father ladies and gentlemen, totally inappropriate and utterly mental “Now where’s this Shannon one? Katie told me last night he was dreamy, she sounded just like you when you used to swoon over that Jordan boy in the 90s” OH DEAR LORD have mercy on my soul right now  
“Dreamy?” Jared whispers in my ear as my Dad goes off to inspect Shannon, who’s still holding baby Jack while my sister in law is just gawping at him much to my brother’s amusement. Jared’s got his hand up to my face, pushing his fingers on to the lump on the back of my ear he’s not been able to stop touching it since I pointed it out to him when I was sick, it makes me feel kind of weird when he does touch it though, it’s really intimate, well it is for me anyway…  
“I think the word I used was swoontastic BUT Leto I am not to be held accountable for ANYTHING I said prior to 1999… just… because…”  
“Don’t stand around whispering you two it’s rude, Amelia, Arthur, come and help me with the plates and food everyone else sit down… please” I kiss Jared’s cheek, he’s trimmed his beard for some odd reason tonight, so it doesn’t tickle as much as usual (Shannon still looks like a freaking bear though, hobo) and leave Jared with my Dad which I should never have been worried about EVER apparently because by the time I come back with food Jared’s doing that thing where he talks with his hands and my Dad is laughing loudly. My mum has done herself proud with dinner and everyone looks happy and well fed, I clear up too, because sometimes I am vaguely domesticated. Jared AND Shannon now being regaled with facts about Greek Mythology from my Dad, Jamie, V and Constance fussing baby Jack, V probably telling Constance about the time I got drunk and fell in the pool “I do like Jared” erm thanks Mom, I guess, now let me load the dishwasher in peace “He was so polite when he called to let me know how sick you were, hardly what I expected him to be like… I’ve seen Hurricane” Oh dear lord… my mother has seen the porn “I’m very happy about this one now try not to do your usual and lose him, I’d like to see this one last… please” and just like that she’s back to making me feel three inches tall again.  
There was another reason I agreed to this whole Jared meet parents debacle finally and that’s because I’m working on a research project with the Art Institute of Chicago and I’m sure my art journals are here from when I covered the topic in college. Fuck knows where though, somewhere in my old room. God I hate in here, it smells like the 90’s all cheap perfume and teenage desperation. I get distracted so easily, so when I pulled out a box that I thought they could be in and found a stack of old instant photos from that time I decided to emulate Cindy Sherman I could have been sat here for hours staring at them. I really did a good impression of a dead person, and V had a killer shot, maybe I could bring this idea back into the 21st Century with new apps and Instagram and…  
“Little Pea?”  
“Yeah I’m in here…” I look up at door as he comes in then remember what’s still hanging over the bed, SHIT, maybe he won’t notice  
“Are you ok? Oh hey it’s me…” he blushes, can you not do that? It’s so adorable “How long has that been there?” I turn around from my place on the floor and look towards the Jordan Catalano poster over the bed  
“Since 1995 I think, I left for college in 96 so… sorry, I forgot it was there” I didn’t well I kind of did it was nice at Christmas though when I was here and you weren’t  
“S’ok… can I look around?” I have no idea why you want to Jared but go for it, apart from the huge poster of your younger face (not that it looks any different now) I don’t think there’s anything else incriminating in here anywhere  
“Sure”  
“So this is where my lovely Amelia would spend hours thinking about me while I looked down on her” Jared, you are going to get filthy aren’t you? I can feel it “Teenage Amelia, all sexually frustrated”  
“JARED! I was never sexually frustrated I learnt to take care of myself pretty early on I’ll have you know”  
“Did you lay here with your hands down your jeans with looking up at my poster?” Oh my God get out you filthy fucking man, or I swear I will… I’m not sure what I’ll do, not tell you that what you’re saying is true I’ll never live it down  
“I’m not telling you… here maybe if you’re good I’ll tell you about it later” When we’re FAR FAR FAR away from my parents, and brother and you can give me head while I tell you  
“Come up here” Jared I’m kind of busy right now, I need to find my journals, but he’s laid on the bed stroking the spot next to him, and I really have fallen down some kind of rabbit hole, my inner 16 year old is crying out in frustration as to why I’m sat on the floor while Jordan Catalano is laid on my bed. OH 16 year old me, if only I could tell you about this… I give up trying to find my journals and pull myself along him on the bed, well this very teenage, shall I get out the burger phone and we can listen to Debbie Gibson? “Do I live up to your teenage fantasies? Will you at least tell me that?”  
“You are so narcissistic… and if you must know, you… just you in the flesh, not on a poster or on a computer screen or on the stage… you when I can touch you, and taste you, and suck your dick is so much better than any fantasy I ever had”  
“But you will still tell me about them?”  
“Will you give me head while I do?”  
“Now?” He’s pinning me to the bed with my arms above my head and literally biting me through my clothes his head moving south, not now Jared not now, back STAY flat on the bed, do not rise to the occasion…  
“NOT NOW JARED!” He puts this kiss to the flesh that’s been exposed between my top and waistband of my jeans and I just want to lock the door and rip his clothes off and let him eat me out till I’m sweaty and wrung out, but oh wait my door doesn’t have a lock and there are too many family members downstairs for any of that “Keep it in your pants”  
“I’d rather keep it in your pants” Oh for fucks sake “What would your inner sixteen year old tell you to do?”  
“I don’t have one” I do but I’m not admitting it and I don’t know how you know this fact about me  
“She’d tell you to at least make out with me wouldn’t she? I promise I’ll stay above the waist…”  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
I am on my way to Chicago. CHICAGO. Home of Fall Out Boy. And the location of me giving a talk about pornographic art at the Art Institute. Jared’s in the States and actually not busy so he’s decided he’s coming with me. In which case I am NOT packing any clothes other than the ones I’m travelling in and the ones for my talk. Because the rest of the time I am going to be naked, in a hotel room with Jared on top of me, underneath me, behind me, doing that weird fucking spider thing that makes me feel like my wrists are breaking as I cum, all of it, just fucking, fucking fucking fuck-ing.  
There’s some glorious mile high action as we’re flying on one of the private jets, I keep my sunglasses on because I feel like a fucking rock star, check me out on my private jet, being fucked by my rock star boyfriend, in my Ray Bans. I think I might have the hang of this dating Jared Leto thing now. Until we land and face the paps and don’t realise until later and see the photos that I’ve managed to put my shirt back on inside out and back to front. FUCK. He just thinks it’s funny of course and shrugs and says that no less would have been expected of us other than to be fucking on the plane.  
He’s booked a penthouse suite, which Jared there was no need for because the Art Institute were going to put me up in a very nice hotel, I only need a bathroom and a bed, but no Jared has decided that this is the week I’m going to get treated like a Princess that gets taken out to dinner at some swanky restaurant AFTER I complained I had nothing to wear so he took me shopping and bought me a dress and shoes before I could even try to stop him.  
“I wish you’d let me treat you more often” We’re walking back to the hotel it’s a beautiful evening and I don’t even care that people are taking our photo right now, he’s happily holding my hand in public, which still makes me giggle like sixteen year old, because 1. I have a boyfriend and 2. He’s Jared Leto “You look incredibly beautiful tonight, now don’t get me wrong because you always do, especially when you’re naked apart from your glasses, but that dress really suits you”  
“I feel like a princess” he lets go of my hand and slings his arm around my shoulder and I can feel the expression on his face, I don’t even need to turn my head to look, it’s one that people are going to post with a porn tag, or ‘the master at work’ on Tumblr, his lips get so close to my ear.  
“Princess on the streets… Whore in the sheets” the cameras may not have been able to pick up what he just said but the look on my face probably says everything. Right Leto, it’s been bad enough I’ve sat in this fucking dress all night while you slid your hand up my thigh under the table and kept pushing my hair behind my ear as it fell forward. You fucking man WHORE in your goddam leather pants, we are speeding this stroll up before we get arrested for indecent exposure when I try and hump you on the street “In a sudden rush Amelia…”  
Don’t give me that fucking tone of voice Jared you know what it does, and right now I suggest we haul ass a bit quicker so I can see under your clothes and show you the inside of my dress where my nipples are pointing like its minus 10 and it’s ALL your fault “It’s chilly out here”  
“I see” We make it to the hotel pretty quickly considering the heels on my feet, and I’m practically dragging him across the lobby before he can see anyone he knows and spends half an hour talking about the middle-east or whatever he decides is an important topic of conversation. Jared I HAVE NEEDS that NEED to be attended to NOW. Sadly we’re not alone in the elevator or I would be just undoing those stupid pants he’s got on, and by the way Jared I know you’re not wearing any underwear under there. God you drive me CRAZY and I can feel my panties are already wet. He makes a big show of opening the door and holding it open for me to go in past him, there’s a firm squeeze to my butt as I do pass him, I don’t make it very far into the room before I hear the door click shut and his hand grips the top of my arms pulling me back towards him against the door pinning me to it, kissing me deeply not wasting any time sliding his hand up the inside of my thigh slipping his fingers into my panties and oh god… right there… right there… fuck me “You’re quite excitable this evening Amelia” I can’t fucking help it my legs are fucking shaking, and far too quickly for my liking he takes his hand away, licking his fingers then putting them in my mouth for me to do likewise. Then just stands there totally in my personal space, not saying anything, he doesn’t need to, the expression on his face says it all. I love it when he looks down on me, I feel so small, but not scared, not anymore…  
“I know you’re not wearing anything under your stupid leather trousers Jared”  
“What’s stupid about them?”  
“They’re just so fucking… urgh… for God’s sake take them off”  
“What about the rest of my clothes?”  
“This is not the time for your shit, just get naked… NOW”  
“WHOA Amelia at the wheel I like this…”  
“I’ll be at your dick in a minute” I loop my arms around his neck and kiss him while he’s trying to take his clothes off, sometimes I think I throw him off guard slightly and he kind of fumbles as opposed to just looking like a stripper with the capability of going from fully dressed to naked having undone just one zip  
“Are you taking your clothes off?”  
“If you ask nicely” he’s pulling his t-shirt over his head with one hand and unbuttoning those pants with the other, no underwear… DAMMIT Jared, if I’d have gone out with no panties on you would have tortured me all night but you? Just fucking strut around in your Jim Morrison leather pants no big deal  
“Amelia, my love, my beautiful whore in the sheets, would you do me the honour of removing your clothing so I can fuck you?”  
“You could have just said take your clothes off, no need to go all…”  
He crashes his lips and now naked body into mine “Take your fucking clothes off Amelia before I rip them off ”  
“Yes Jared” and just like the we’re back to him being in control, he helps me pull my dress over my head leaving me in just my panties and new shoes “I’m taking these shoes off, I’d like to wear them again the ones I had on at LACMA ended up with an unfortunate stain…”  
“Blood or cum?” slight blood stain on the heel from scratching his back and I have no idea how the cum got there, his cum is like a ninja, but there it was when I went to put them back in their box  
“Both” I manage to get past him kicking my shoes off as I go, I turn to see him watching me walk away, I somehow don’t think I’m going to get very far and I’m right. He throws me forwards over the back of the couch, bites my neck and puts kisses down my spine, letting his teeth sink in to my butt which has me moaning loudly, his fingers slip into my panties and start lowering them down my legs. Oh god, naked, and there is no better feeling in this world than his naked skin on mine.  
“Put your knee up on the couch Amelia” I raise my right knee up to rest against the top of the couch, well as near as I can get to it, and this automatically forces my butt out and my head down, oh I like where this is going “A little wider apart” I do as I’m told and shuffle my left foot outwards slightly “Perfect” I can feel the heat from his body approaching me from behind, I don’t look but I know he’s got his dick in his hand ready to push into me. When he does slide into me I’m taken slightly by surprise, in certain positions, it can be slightly uncomfortable at first but I remind myself that it’s worth it in the end and he knows how to read me and not just tear me in two (fucking Satan). His hands take a firm grip on my hips and he starts to push his own forward with earnest.  
“Oh god” having found a balance where I don’t feel like I’m going to topple over the couch I reach a hand down between my thighs to stroke myself in time with his thrusts “Pull. My. Hair”  
He does as he’s told and gathers a handful of my hair and tugs it hard pulling my head back towards him so he can whisper at my ear “I can feel your fingers…” he sinks his teeth into my neck but as he takes his mouth away he’s blowing probably on a nice big red mark. Jared I am wearing your lady scarf to hide it, fucker. My fingers are gliding across my clit, I can feel AND hear my breathing pick up pace. God I wish there was a mirror so I could see us, I glance to my side and I can see our reflection in the dark TV screen opposite the couch. Oh fuck that’s hot. Apparently being fucked by Jared Leto makes anyone look good even me. He catches my gaze and I see him looking at the reflection too “Do you like what you see?”  
“Yes…” and it’s going in my spank bank for when you’re away next and I’m rubbing my clit without your dick in me at the same time  
“We’ll film ourselves then I can take it with me when I can’t take you” his fingers are digging into my hips so hard, there’s going to be marks there. God I love it when he marks me during sex, they feel like badges of honour of something “Amelia… I want you to make yourself cum” If truth be told Jared I don’t really need to make myself cum because you are fucking pushing on something inside me so perfectly I may as well not have my hand between my legs but if it gets you making those fucking noises you do I am not going to say otherwise. I can feel myself tensing up and he’s still pulling my hair, he momentarily lets go of my hip to place a loud hard slap across my butt and holy fuck, that’s it. Jesus fucking Christ, and just when I think it’s stopped it starts again, I move my hand away, but it’s still happening, my knees are shaking to the point that I’m sure he can feel it and I cannot stop the moans coming out of my mouth. It gets stronger again when he starts to speed his thrusts up. And then as he cums, two words MULTIPLE. ORGASMS. Fuck. He steps away from me and I try and get my breath back my body feels like it’s on fire “Amelia?”  
“Couldn’t STOP cumming” he pulls my leg down so both my feet are flat on the floor and wraps his arms around me tightly, I look back to the reflection and its far from what it was; we look… blissful, my arms on top of his arms, my back and his chest plastered together, him putting little kisses to the top of my head, almost swaying me  
“Was it the spanking? The hair pulling?”  
“All of the above” I turn to face him, my lovely lion face, all smiles and red cheeks, I put a hand up to his face and he snuggles his bearded cheek into my palm and kisses it. Too many orgasms and far too much love are happening right now, it’s so overwhelming. I still want to run away from him because clearly he really is too much for my sexual organs to take “Thank you for all this… and the jet, and the dress, and shoes, and dinner…”  
“Little Pea, you’re my lady… I wanted to spend some alone time with you, think of it as a holiday” he pulls my hand to his mouth and kisses the back of my hand like a fucking gentleman “The first of many I hope”  
“I hope the next time we go on holiday I don’t have to work…”  
“Well I’m very much looking forward to seeing you work”  
“You’re not coming? … are you?” don’t freak out, don’t freak out  
“Of course I am I’m here to support you in your career, will there be a Q&A?” Yes shit, he’s going to sit there and ask all kinds of awkward questions isn’t he and I’ll end up looking like a tit  
“Yes… please don’t ask me silly questions”  
“Amelia I am a patron of the arts, I assure you I won’t ask silly questions”  
“OR inappropriate ones?”  
“What’s inappropriate when you’re talking about pornographic art? Tell you what you answer me one question now and I promise I’ll stay quiet for the whole thing how about that?”  
“Okkaaaaay” He’s got this naughty fucking twinkle going on like something’s coming, that’s thankfully not me  
“Can we go to bed and do that again? I want to cum on your tits…”  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
My friend is getting married. V and Jamie are getting married and they’ve bought a house together, they’ve only been together five minutes... I on the other hand freak out of Jared leaves more than one pair of socks in the drawer I cleared out for him. I nearly had a full blown anxiety attack over an extra toothbrush appearing in the tumbler next to the sink. I know why. It’s because I’m scared he’ll leave, and then there’ll be all these empty spaces when he does and it’ll take years to get over it while having to look at where his toothbrush was. I know I shouldn’t think that, and I know I should live in the moment more, in the here and now, where we are but I’ve been hurt too many times before. Sometimes when he says he loves me I think, you Jared could be it, you could be the one I’m sat next to on a porch swing in my 80s while you’re still looking like a teenager. Then I have moments where I think he’s just going to up and go. And it’s not because he doesn’t text back, or have time to call me, or get to see me for extended periods of time, it’s just past hurt. I can’t get through it I carry all this baggage from previous relationships, scars of what happened last time, and Jared isn’t those other men, he’s far from them, but it’s just so hard. It’s wrecking ball hard, they wrecked me.  
This is why I locked myself up and didn’t have a relationship for five years and learnt to rely on myself it’s just easier. V thinks I’m crazy she’s the only one I can talk to about it, but now she’s up to her eyes in relocating and wedding arrangements, so I’ll just have to swallow it down and get on with it.  
There’s going to be an engagement party on my birthday, thanks for stealing my thunder there V. I don’t think Jared knows it’s my birthday, and I think I’ll keep it that way because in the days leading up to it, I’m convinced he’s leaving, he’s acting really shady and maybe a little bit distant, and these are the times I wish he’d open up with me a little bit more maybe though he’d say the same about me.  
“Were you at any point going to tell me it was your birthday tomorrow?” I’m sat on the couch when he comes crashing into my apartment don’t say hello then Jared. I swing my head round to look at him and he’s got a face like thunder, shit “Is it a women… like… ageing thing? Because I assure you Amelia you don’t look a day over 25 OR is it because you just didn’t want ME to know?”  
“It’s not important”  
“Of course it’s important, Little Pea…” He sits down next to me on the couch and wraps his arm around my shoulder “Why do you keep things from me? I don’t understand, and I know it’s your birthday I’ve known for weeks, I just can’t believe you didn’t mention it and start reeling off lists of acceptable gifts and places to take you…” he sighs unhappily “Did something happen on a previous birthday? Something bad?” I shake my head “Well then, I’m glad I’m here for it and I’m sorry V and Jamie are stealing your thunder with their party, would you like a sash to wear that says ‘birthday girl’ on it?”  
“NO” Oh my god Jared you’re so ridiculous sometimes  
“Ok then no sashes, I promise come on let’s go to bed and snuggle”  
“Snuggle?”  
“Yes Amelia, you’re my girlfriend and as much as I enjoy fucking you seeing you sweat and screaming my name sometimes my little pea I just want to feel you squashed up against me, all limbs tangled together, so come on, it’s late, and I’m sorry I’m only just getting here, but I assure you tomorrow I am going nowhere…”  
When Jared Leto says snuggle he actually means sexual spooning, I tried SO hard not to push my butt into his crotch but his breath on the back of my neck, his hands oh so close to my breasts as they’re wrapped round me had me grinding against him a bit too quickly, but hey YOU try naked snuggling with Jared Leto and see how long you last before you give up and need his dick in you as opposed to digging into your thigh.  
I’m still naked and being spooned (but not quite as sexually) when I wake up a whole year older.  
“Happy Birthday Little Pea” he pulls me on to my back looking down on me, god those eyes alone are the best birthday present ever, and that’s before he’s kissed me “Would you like to spend the day in bed? Would you like to go out somewhere? The day is yours, whatever you want to do, and if you’d like to give me head as a gift to yourself seeing as I know you love it that would be a good plan too” Jared Leto’s dick for breakfast? Well happy fucking birthday me.  
It’s late morning by the time we surface and he cooks me breakfast while just in his boxers. I don’t think we’re going anywhere today, apart from the party tonight, shit, I should text V and see if there’s anything I’m supposed to do and have forgotten. Two large bouquets of flowers arrive one from my brother and one from Shannon. I’m incredibly touched by the gesture from both of them although I feel MY brother may have had some help from my sister in law with his.  
There’s a plate of vegan pancakes put down in front of me and a kiss put to my lips “Can we watch True Romance?”  
“Is that all you want to do?” He comes and sits down next to me at the breakfast bar and I nod around a mouthful of brunch, or maybe it’s lunch? Whatever it is, it’s dam tasty. As is the man who cooked it sat next to me in just his underwear, I don’t want to get dressed I want to be semi naked forever. I’m sat wearing the shirt he arrived in last night and a pair of old boxer shorts that I sometimes sleep in and I feel totally comfortable finally, it’s only taken months. I catch him staring and smiling at me as I eat. He finishes eating before me and goes to put clothes on, urgh Jared, did you have to? “I’ll be right back I need to get something out of the car ok?” I hope you get undressed again when you come back. He comes back in with a wheelie case and a gift bag, ok this is kind of weird even for you lion man “You can have your gift LATER, but right now we’re going to tackle something, and we’re going to do it head on” he sits back down next to me and pulls me hand into his resting them in his lap.  
SHIT I don’t think I like this “Ok”  
“In the case are clothes and some other things… that I’m going to leave here, and then when I’ve emptied it we’re going to fill it with some of YOUR clothes and things that are going to come to the lab with me, I’ve cleared out a drawer for you there… NOW before you deny that this freaks you out I KNOW it does ok? It freaks me out too, before you I didn’t have relationships with women, I… well I don’t know what I was doing, but Amelia I love you, you are my world my whole fucking world and I think it’s time we took a step forward in our relationship, I want you to tell me WHY this freaks you out, after all you’re the one who said you’d clear a drawer out for me AGES ago…”  
And I kind of said it in the heat of the moment before I had really thought about it too hard, I didn’t think you’d actually put things in there, RIGHT deep breath and just spit it out “Because when you leave there will be all these physical holes left when you take your things back, so I try and keep the holes to a minimum then it won’t be so bad, I mean it’ll be bad but…”  
“You think I’m going to leave?”  
“Everyone does” I look away because I can feel tears welling up in my eyes  
“Amelia… my beautiful creature, my precious love look at me…” I think there’s a few tears that have splashed down my face and I realise that this is the first time he’s seen me cry without me having infectious diseases “Little Pea, I am going nowhere, and I know sometimes I can be a shitty boyfriend and you probably feel like I don’t have time for you or that everything comes before you, I assure you that’s not the case at all… I’m not letting you go, not now not ever Little Pea, don’t cry…”  
“You really do love me?”  
“Of course I do, I wouldn’t say it otherwise you know you’re not the only one worried about getting dumped if you left me there would be a HUGE hole, it would shatter me and to me that’s really fucking scary, absolutely terrifying, I cannot recall a time where I have loved, needed, wanted, desired and trusted someone in any capacity as I do you…”  
My lion man, my beautiful fucking lion man, this seems to be who we are two fucked up people, broken by others trying to make it work with each other in the name of love, god LOVE, me and Jared Leto are actually in love and in a relationship. It’s at this point I finally give myself a mental slap across the face and decide to live in the here and now, never mind what might or might not happen in the future, or how many holes I’ll be left with if it does end, it’s time Amelia to sit back and enjoy the ride “Ditto”  
“And that is the end of the seriousness until the next relationship hurdle comes and freaks us out, feel better?” I nod my head and he releases my hand and cups one of his to the side of my face, leaning in he kisses me, even though I’m all snotty from crying “Would you like your gifts?”  
Gifts plural Jared? You actually didn’t need to get me anything, you really are the best present I could have ever asked for “Yes please”  
“Come and sit on the couch, come on, I always worry about you falling off these dam stools, your feet don’t even touch the floor when you sit on them” he helps me down from my stool which I don’t need because I’ve been clambering on and off these for years and yes it’s true my feet don’t touch the floor, but I’ve not yet fallen off one, not that I can remember. We sit side by side on the couch and he passes me the plain black gift bag, opening it the first thing I see is that just like his birthday bag it’s filled with my favourite Vegan candy and three objects wrapped in red tissue paper. The first thing I unwrap is a bottle of my favourite perfume, which I was nearly out of, and that’s really thoughtful because he’s obviously noticed and bought me more. The second thing I unwrap is an Alexander McQueen skull scarf, I’d wanted one for YEARS but they always seemed so much money to spend on a square of fabric.  
“WHOA thank you, I’ve always wanted one of these” he pulls it from my hands and drapes it over my shoulders  
“I know I do listen to you, even when you think I don’t” The third and final object is a silver return to Tiffany’s bracelet like the one I lost in Amsterdam that my parents bought for me for my 21st birthday “I’m sorry it’s not the one you lost, but I hope it’s a fitting replacement, I see you going all misty eyed when you see other people wearing them because you miss yours, now it’s insured so if you lose this one I’ll just go get you another one ok?” before I can object or tell him I’ll try not to lose it it’s fastened around my wrist, and I remember how much I loved my first one, and now I’ve got one that Jared Leto bought for me, which I love even more.  
“Thank you so much… for everything”  
“You are more than welcome, and more than deserving of beautiful things for your birthday, now come and help me unpack, your OCD is worse than mine and I’d hate to put things in some wrong order and have you doing that weird twitchy face thing like when Shannon told you he hung things up inside out”  
“That’s just WEIRD”  
“Don’t know if you’ve noticed but he’s just weird” he pulls me up from the couch and leads me towards the bedroom pulling his wheelie case behind him. I sit on the end of the bed and watch as he puts things very neatly into the drawer and even hung up some shirts, including the blue shirt of porn which I don’t know if I should be trusted with into my closet “Are you looking forward to this evening?”  
“Yeah I guess she’s my best friend so…” he finishes what he’s doing and stands back for me to see and it’s ok he’s put things in the right order, no need for any funny facial twitching, it actually feels kind of nice, his things here, it feels… right “I’m not looking forward to being matron of honour though”  
“I’m going to be a groomsman so we can be entirely uncomfortable together and I tell you what if more than five people say ‘oh you two will be next’ we can leave or hide under a table how about that?”  
“Deal” he plonks himself down on the bed next to me and just does his usual starfish limpet impersonation, clinging to me, all hair and beard and stupidly long limbs “Jared?”  
“Mmmm?”  
“Where’s MY goddam birthday head?”  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
I’m writing a book, well not a whole book, part of a book. I’m writing about the importance of women in modern art. And I’m going to try and do some of it on tour with my lion man. WHY did I ever agree to this insanity? Oh yeah because apparently I owed him one from when he came to see me work in Chicago. You sitting through a three hour lecture Jared is very different than having my ass dragged across the States for two weeks in a fucking tour bus.  
I hadn’t him in a few weeks he’d been being Jared in Europe and then Jared in New York in a ridiculous sweater that was gonna get my face rubbed all over it as soon as I found it in his case. I’d been too excited over seeing the beautiful creature that is Jared Leto to think about some of the downsides of touring. There were cameras in my face as soon as I set down in Miami, even at an art crawl in a small town I could see the flashes going off. I hid behind Jared for a bit which was easy because he just seemed to want to fold his arms around me and tell me he missed me, but he gets distracted way too easily so when he wandered off to wave his arms around at someone about buying some pieces of art I hid in Shannon’s armpit. I worked out a while ago if you stand at a certain angle next to the older Leto his upper arms will totally eclipse anyone’s face.  
“First Mars tour Emmy you excited?” Huh? Oh Shannon is talking to me, probably because I’m standing close enough to him to smell the constant aroma of coffee that follows him round “Why are you hiding in my arm pit by the way? I don’t mind, but your hair is kind of ticklish”  
“Sorry, I didn’t realise there would be so many cameras…”  
“I don’t really notice the cameras anymore, are they bugging you? I can ask Emma to go and tell people not to take photos if you like?”  
“Nah it’s ok, thanks though” I’ll just continue to hide in your arm pit where it’s safe until I realise that as well as not being seen I actually can’t see myself because I’m blinded by bicep.  
“Little Pea” Oh he’s back and his arms are folded round me again his beard has got so bushy and I can feel it rubbing across my head “Did I tell you I missed you?”  
Yeah you did about fifty times since you picked me up from the airport but I don’t mind “I missed you too” I can see Shannon and Emma rolling their eyes in our direction but I don’t care. I’m finally at a point where I can admit comfortably that I’m crazy about him, I love him and I miss him when he’s not here “Can we erm… get some alone time… or do I have to just stand around and watch you run about like a lunatic?”  
“Well I’m sad to say I’ve got a lot to do and YOU should be writing something, but after the show I am all yours”  
Oh god this is my first show where he’ll come off stage dripping in sweat and be all mine, oh god, think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts, nope, brain gone “Oh erm… good”  
“You are coming tonight? I totally understand if you want to stay on the bus and write”  
“I want to come I want to see YOU twerk… I mean work”  
“Jared are you ready to go you need to be at the venue in an hour?”  
And just like that the Thirty Seconds to Mars rollercoaster started. I managed to find myself a quiet spot on one of the buses to write, only to be interrupted by Shannon picking up a book I was referencing and go ‘Oooo art porn’ and wander off with it. I managed to retrieve it, minus the sticky tab markers I’d put in it which were all over Tomo’s sleeping face (and Shannon’s Instagram in picture form). I didn’t even see Jared to eat with he was doing the meet and greet and eating on the run, literally, I saw him do it running past me with a salad container and I got a kiss to the cheek as he went that was a bit of lips but mostly dressing, which ewww thanks for that Jared. Shayla made sure I had an Access All Areas pass so I could move around as much as I wanted, wherever I wanted. And figuring I wouldn’t see Jared until after he’d been on stage now I headed out into the crowd. I am after all Echelon, and you know I should be amongst my fellow man and all that. I wasn’t expecting to be stopped by so many of my fellow man asking for photos, I still find it confusing they want to talk to and have photos with me. I pulled my hood up (well Jared’s hood I couldn’t find my jacket on the bus and pulled his on) and after a while and found myself a spot where I could see without being in the pit, or the firing line for the balloons, because I was just as likely to injure myself on them as Jared was. They were about four songs in when it happened  
“Miami… I’ve found some lost property” what the fuck is he talking about now, even though he speaks clearly and doesn’t mumble I have no idea what he’s actually banging on about half the time he’s on stage “I have something here that is probably a pretty important thing to have about your persons and you wouldn’t want to lose or be without” I look up to the big screen too far back to see clearly what he’s holding and see my cell phone in his hand, I know it’s mine it’s got penguin wings sticking out the side of the rubber case. Shannon and Tomo are killing themselves laughing. SHIT. I thought it was in my pocket, but then I remember I’m not wearing my jacket I’m wearing Jared’s hoody; double shit “So could the person that this belongs to come see me after to reclaim their ridiculous red rubber penguin phone?” The crowd around me are laughing and I am so keeping my head down right now; luckily the next song starts up and I make my way back to the gate that leads backstage. I manage to get to the side of the stage for Up in the Air, wondering what the hell I am supposed to do. We’ve never had this conversation, what he does when he comes off stage, does he go and pour water over his head? Shower? Do interviews? I know Shannon tends to disappear off into a quiet corner and cool down but no idea what Jared does. Should I wait for him here? On the bus? In his dressing room? If he has one here, I have no idea…  
I soon find out as he leaves the stage absolutely drenched in sweat his pants literally stuck to his thighs, and I know right there from the look on his face that I am about to be pushed on to the nearest hard face somewhere vaguely private get fucked really hard. No one approaches him or tries to talk to him just watch as he stalks towards me. God it’s hot I can feel my excitement has started to build already. There’s no words when he finally gets to me, just his sweaty hands to the sides of my face as he kisses me deeply then I’m pulled by hand through a backstage area where I hear someone call his name and look round only to see Emma shaking her head, that’s kind of embarrassing because I bet she knows where we’re going. His dressing room door has his name on it actually in a gold star and I am taking it home with me, not the door obviously, but the star it’s so cool, he unlocks it with a hotel style key card and pushes me quite forcefully inside, there’s nothing exciting in there no dressing tables with mirrors and lights just a couch with a table where his laptop is rested and that’s pretty much it.  
“You’re so fucking sweaty”  
“I’ve been working” He’s so full of adrenaline still that I get tackled to the floor with a thud his hands set about freeing me from my clothes I’m going to get carpet burns aren’t I? My jeans are pulled halfway off so I’ve still got one leg halfway in them ditto with my panties. I go to pull his top off only to have him push my hands over my head and pin them to the floor above me with one hand and unbuckle and push down his pants with the other. He practically growls at me there’s something so desperate in his movements, something I’ve not seen before, and it’s thrilling. He pulls my naked leg around his waist and ploughs himself inside me, and oh fuck, oh god, I’ve still got my socks on and one shoe, oh fuck I don’t care. His hips are pushing so hard I think I’m going to literally be dragged across the carpet just by the force of his dick and his fingers are digging into my wrists with enough pressure that there’ll be some nice marks there. His lips are swollen from singing and are being used to just bite any pieces of my flesh he can grab with them. I feel completely helpless in the position I’m in but my hips start to push out and upwards meeting his in wanted rhythm. My top gets rucked up and his free hand is groping roughly at my chest pushing my bra out of the way. I hear a heavy bass line coming from outside the door so I louden my moans letting him know how he’s making me feel. So desperate for us to be joined that neither of us care we’re still in clothing, and both really sweaty, his hair is literally dripping on to me and it feels incredible. All the little touches he’d been giving me all day since he picked me up at the airport, all the kisses, the fingers on my flesh, had been building, pooling, waiting for the final movement that was going to push me over the edge into a shaking wreck.  
“You look so fucking hot all sweaty…”  
“And you look so hot being pinned to the floor by my dick” Oh Jesus fucking Christ, he puts his lips to mine and kisses me hard, pinning my head to the floor along with my arms and I feel it start to happen, and know it’s going to be huge because it’s been so long. My back arches and I struggle against his grip on my wrists without gain so instead I take a firm pull of his bottom lip between my teeth while my body breaks to pieces “Amelia… fuck…” he releases one of those obscene noises loud enough probably to be heard by the whole of Miami and finally slumps his whole weight on top of me.  
“Could we have not made it on to the couch Jared?”  
“Well see here’s the thing, we seem to leave cum stains on couches”  
“So cum stains on carpets are better?”  
“Sorry…” he’s released my arms from above me, but he’s still laid on top of me kissing me nuzzling into my neck “We don’t have long before we get on the bus, and you can’t have sex on the bus, it’s kind of a… rule but ever since I picked you up… god you just stand there looking so fucking innocent playing with your hair it drives me crazy, I’m not sure how I got through Up in the Air when I saw you at the side of the stage”  
“Where’s my phone?”  
“In my pocket” he pulls himself away from me and stands up pulling up and redoing up his trousers “You’ve still got your socks on… and a shoe… got a bit carried away there” he’s laughing as he helps me up and back into my bottoms as I try and wrangle myself back into my bra and pull my top down “I was so worried when I found your phone and not you, god it was awful I thought something had happened to you”  
“Like what?” he’s unplugging his laptop and folding it under his arm  
“I don’t know, but security said you’d gone out of the gate and I couldn’t find MY hoody so I figured you’d be ok, but don’t do it again, in fact I’m going to get some kind of tag so I know where you are and don’t have a freak out”  
“Hey…” he looks kind of sad which I hate “I’m sorry, I just… I didn’t think”  
“Doesn’t matter” there’s a sad shrug to his shoulders as he puts his charger in his pocket, I never even thought, another thing I’m going to have to get used to telling Jared (or finding someone who will tell him) where I’m going and remembering my phone.  
“Well it obviously does, and I won’t do it again, come on come give me the grand tour of your bunk that we can’t have sex in…” He leads us out of the room and as the door closes I pull his gold star off it and without him noticing, stick it to his back.  
Me and tour buses are apparently not made to have a harmonious relationship. Jared? Oh yeah he’s fine sleeping like a baby… snoring, pushing me against the wall, trying to touch me up in his sleep (seriously WHAT do you dream about you fucking perv) Me? Urgh every time there’s a bump in the road or a sound I’m not familiar with it freaks me out and I’m wide awake. This is not good. When I wake up, or rather stir from the doze I was in Jared’s gone and I ungracefully roll out of the bunk and hit the floor with a loud thud.  
“THE FUCK?” There’s a bed headed Shannon leaning over me out of his bunk “Emmy you ok?”  
“I don’t think I was meant to sleep in tour bus bunks”  
“What was that crash? Little Pea why are you on the floor? Come on…” Jared stands over me and pulls me to my feet “I know it took me a while to get used to as well, we’re in a hotel tonight so you can sleep then…” he looked down to where Shannon had been and made sure he was back in his bunk “If I let you that is…”  
“I heard that…”  
And on top of the lack of sleep, then there’s the lack of space, and Jared is all up in mine while I’m trying to write. Looped around my back, messing with my reference books asking me what such and such a word means. It means Jared I am going to wax your beard off if you don’t take your nose out. Go and be Jared, just five foot that way, please? Shannon is like a caged animal, and consumed far too much caffeine to be in a small space, he’s like the hulk in a submarine so he starts drumming on a practice pad, incessantly. Tomo is some kind of nirvana of calm and is sat reading a book occasionally looking at his phone like he’s sat by a pool somewhere really peaceful. Emma and Shayla are their usual hive of activity, noisy typing phone answering activity. I give up writing after an half an hour of typing the same sentence over and over. Fuck it. I’m just gonna bug Jared and ignore everyone else.  
“I’m going to lay down… would you like to come with me?” I put my head on his shoulder and nuzzle into his neck believe it or not I really do just want to lie down  
Tomo doesn’t even look up from his book “No sex on the bus”  
“RIGHT SOMEBODY is going to have to tell me WHY there is no sex on the bus, not that I was going to have sex on the bus in the first place!”  
“Well…”  
Turns out there’s no sex on the bus because Thirty Seconds to Mars and the crew were a little too obsessed with cameras and that video with Shannon and the girls that got on to YouTube? Yeah there were more videos and A LOT more explicit that started to leak out around the place (mainly of Shannon), and Emma got tired of cum stains (I laughed maybe a little too hard when she said it) on the seats and having to threaten to sue people into not leaking sex tapes, so no sex on the bus, but as Shannon told me with a wink, you can have sex anywhere else you like. OK thanks for that Shannon. I’m still going to lie down because my head is banging and now your snoring, and Tomo’s sleep muttering isn’t at the bunk end of the bus (I should have just slept up front with Emma and Shayla) I would like to see if I can go back to sleep.  
“You ok?” Jared hauls himself in the bunk after me and spoons up behind me which is just… so nice when he does, I love being the little spoon (and it has nothing to do with being able to rub my butt against his crotch)  
“Yeah sorry am I being a bitch?” Lack of sleep will turn me into a crabby bitch troll sadly  
“Not at all, just maybe a bit quiet is all, is it because I forgot our anniversary?”  
“Huh?”  
“I forgot, there was an alarm set on my old phone which Shayla has now, and I didn’t put it on my new one so… yeah” I let my mind search through the months since I tried to ride him in the lab kitchen, has it been a year? Fuck, wait are we counting from that? Are we counting from the time we had sex and I freaked out? From when I first told him I loved him? I’m confused, does it matter? Jamie and V have been together longer but I know she counts it different seeing as there was all kinds of text sex going on after the party of drunken idiocy whereas I was trying NOT to let my sexual organs be carried away via mobile communications “And she only thought to tell me a couple of days after the alarm went off as she figured I’d have it on my new phone”  
“I hadn’t even realised” he pulls me out of my spoon position and on to my back stroking a hand down my face, I like sappy Jared sometimes, only in small doses though  
“SO I’m not in trouble?”  
“Not at all, WAIT how long after our first… whatever did you set the alarm?”  
He sighs like I’ve stumbled across something he thought I’d never find out about “After I left you at your apartment on the couch tasting like fruit tea showing me your ridiculous underwear that no one had seen for years… I set it then…”  
“Was it just going to beep or…”  
“It played that Modest Mouse song Gravity Rides on Everything and said… If this alarm rings and she’s not in your life anymore, you really fucked up this time, because she was perfect”  
He could be totally bullshitting me here but looking at his face I can see he’s not because he looks almost embarrassed “Perfect?”  
“Perfect” There’s a warm smile across his face and I feel all, I feel all… loved, it’s only really been since my birthday that I’ve allowed myself to think he’s really sticking around that this is some kind of long term situation.  
“I love you”  
“I love you too” he’s on me with all warm kisses and soft hands stroking my face and through my hair, fingers walking up my arms  
“NO. SEX. ON. THE. BUS.” Shannon got a socked Jared foot to the back of the head as he reached in to his bunk for that one  
“You do realise SHANNON that if you hadn’t had too much of a liking for girls with cameras and voyeuristic tendencies we could ALL STILL HAVE sex on the bus?” he’s looking down on me all wicked smiles, lowering his voice his puts his lips to my ears “and then I could be inside you right now, so deep, so hard, making you cum”  
GODAMMIT Shannon… 

I was so relieved to get off the goddam bus it wasn't true. I left all my books on there. I was sick of looking at them. Jared was so distracted by me being there while Emma ran through the schedule for the day she had to tell him three times what was going on. He’s gone all clingy but in public in front of people, I’d just gotten used to it kind of when we were alone. And now I have to nudge him to get him to listen to what’s being said instead of just nuzzling into whatever part of my body is nearest to him and whispering inappropriate things in my ear. Perhaps me coming on tour was not the best of ideas because I’ve not done any work and he’s nearly permanently attached to me unless he has to be on stage or in front of a camera, at least he’s smiling though.  
Emma tells ME the schedule which is something like interview, interview, interview meet and greet, photos, sound check, interviews, interviews, interviews, show, hotel. Seizing the opportunity I make a dash for the venue exit having kissed Jared goodbye and told him I will just see him at the hotel later. Luckily he believes me when I tell him that I am going to work and catch up on missed sleep, before he lets me go though he checks four times that my phone is in my purse and that I know which hotel I’m going to.  
For some reason when I get to the hotel courtesy of a bus (because I couldn’t find a cab) I tell them who I’m with and show them some ID I’m referred to as Mrs Leto, I wonder if Constance is coming out as well and they’re confusing me, but I’m given a key card to the room anyway. Which of course isn’t just a room it’s a suite, I still have no idea what Jared needs all these rooms for, what’s wrong with a bed and a bathroom? Pfft rock stars… I don’t even bother unpacking and plugging in my laptop I just dump it and turn back out the door, on a mission. With one thought spinning round in my head Jared Leto thinks I’m PERFECT.  
It’s nearly midnight when I hear the sounds of Thirty Seconds to Mars crashing around in the corridor outside before the sound of a key card clicking into the lock of the room. I stand up from my spot on the couch make sure everything is on straight, take a deep breath in and get ready to show him what he said meant to me (and make up for me forgetting our anniversary too).  
“Little Pea I hope you’ve got some work done today because I…” he catches sight of me and stops in his tracks “cannot wait to take your clothes which apparently I do not need to do… hello”  
“Hello Jared”  
There’s a knock at the door “Jay do you and Emmy wanna come down to the bar for a drink?”  
“Erm… no thanks Shannon” I hear muffled giggles working their way down the corridor followed by another knock at the door “WHAT?”  
“Sorry… erm… yours and Emmy’s suitcases are out here so you know…”  
“YES Thank you Shayla…” he looks back to me “YOU madam stay right there” he turns back to the door, opens it drags the cases inside and hooks the do not disturb sign on the door handle outside and slams it back closed “Ok hello Amelia you are… you look… had a good day?”  
“Busy… busy day…” he stalks over to me with the look of a hunter stalking its prey. You don’t need to stalk me Jared I’m not going to run off (anymore)  
“I can see that” the first thing he does when he reaches me is run his fingers through my freshly cut dyed red hair “I’ve never seen you in stockings before”  
“I’ve never worn them before” and I’m worried that they’re going to fall down, plus I’m glad they’re only cheap hold ups because I have a feeling they’re going to get ripped all over the place “Right Mr Leto if you’d like to follow me…” I took his hand in mine and led him into the bedroom “Take your clothes off and get on the bed”  
“What’s going on?” I notice that he’s narrowing his eyes at me but STILL taking his clothes off like I told him  
“Well firstly I’d like to feel your naked flesh against mine and secondly you’re not going to be able to get your clothes off once you’ve got these on” I pull a pair of leather restraint cuffs from the dresser drawer and hold them up “I am in control this evening”  
“Where did you get those?” he’s down to his boxers and sitting on the edge of the bed  
“Get on the bed properly please…” I bend down and kiss him quickly on lips “I won’t ask again”  
“You’re full of surprises tonight” he’s on the bed properly with his arms above his head, tummy pulled in tight, god I am just going to bite you all over. I walk to the side of the bed and lean over him letting the lace of my bra rub across his face before fastening the cuffs tightly round his wrists effectively tethering him to a very handy part of the head board “So now what are you going to do with me? And can I just say that your underwear this evening is utterly amazing, you always have the best taste in lace…”  
“I’m going to tell you Mr Leto that there will be NO touching and NO talking so shush or I will go and watch a movie and you can just stay there all turned on and nowhere to go and that would be such a…” I let my gaze wander down his body seeing his erection outlined in his boxers “…shame”  
I’ve not thought this all the way through, should I take my underwear off? I’m leaving the stockings on, I like the feel of them. And oh god I’ve got Jared Leto cuffed in the middle of the bed, erm should I take a photo? I feel I should but I don’t know where my cell is, mental images will have to do this going in the spank bank forever more. I peel off my underwear as slowly as I possibly can watching him watch me wantonly, slow down Amelia you’ve got all night you don’t want to rush ahead of yourself here, make him wait don’t just jump on his dick. I pulled his boxers down and off before I crawled up the bed on top of him, kissing him deeply, laughing to myself as he tried automatically to hook his arms around me and couldn’t. I wanted to do to him everything he does to me when he has me on my back with my arms stuck over my head. I kissed down his neck and on to his chest, swirling my tongue around his nipples which got his back arching away from the bed. I can feel his dick prodding me and I know he’s moving it in my direction on purpose. I open my mouth over his predominant rib cage noticing that he’s still filling back out slightly from his dramatic weight loss. There are no moans escaping from him as I run my tongue down his navel but the heavy breathing is enough of a giveaway to tell me I’m doing a good job. He’s looking down on me as I reach my goal, sighing with frustration that he can’t move his arms. I lick my lips looking him in the eye.  
“Can’t move your arms? Poor you…” I flick my tongue across the top of his dick and oh there’s one of those moans, fuck Jared do you know what they do to me? I take my time over the task at hand, and I know it’s driving him crazy because he keeps bucking his hips up “Jared if you don’t stop that I WILL stop what I’m doing…” There’s a groan of utter frustration as I set back to it, but he does as he’s told and manages to keep almost perfectly still, when his moans reach a certain point and I can feel his muscles start to tense I stop “Not yet Jared… soon…” God I love being in control, I totally get it now he’s so… helpless… this isn’t going to last long is it? I’m back on my hands and knees straddling him, putting myself in a position where my core is just millimetres away from his dick and I feel him twitch it against me “Stop that” I take a firm grip on it and ease him into me, sinking down slowly letting a loud moan of my own pull from the back of my throat. I take a firm grasp of his waist for stability and let my thighs push me up and down in slow succession. Once I’ve found my balance and rhythm I let go of him and use my hands to run all over my own body, palming my breasts, teasing my own nipples between my fore finger and thumb, it feels so good. His moans are loudening I know he must be desperate to touch me because he’s trying to pull his arms towards me, his hips are now meeting mine in perfect rhythm and although this is not about me getting off I can feel myself heating up oh so quickly and I cum hard and loudly not breaking eye contact away from him. I wish again that I had a camera because his face is amazing. I let myself grip his shoulders and bend forward to put one small kiss to his lips and whisper in his ear “You’re not to cum until I say is that clear?” I see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows and nods “Good” I pull myself back up into sitting upright and with as much grace as I can muster I remove myself from him, getting on to my knees once again at his right hands side and put my lips back to his dick. Tasting myself as I sink my lips down the length using one hand to mirror the movements of my mouth with strong flicks of my wrist and the other I let my fingernails gently pull up the inside of his thighs, he’s close, his hips are bucking again and sweat is pouring from him, I can see his abs glistening from it in the low light of the bedroom. If I had any kind of good aim I’d get him to cum across my face but knowing my luck it’ll end up on the ceiling and we’ll have a lot of explaining to do. I draw my mouth away just slightly and look up to him “You can cum now Jared” I put my mouth back with ferocity and increase the pressure of my fingernails digging into his flesh, hopefully hard enough to mark. He buckles his hips up so hard it takes a good amount of concentration not to gag as he groans and hot cum floods across my tongue. I swallow around him, sitting up I make a show of wiping my mouth with the pads of my fingers “Would you like me to untie you now?” there’s a nonverbal nod of his head. I give up trying to be graceful and haul myself up the bed letting his arms down and feeling slightly bad over the red marks around his wrists. “Did I hurt you?” I pull his wrists towards me and kiss the marks that have been left, feeling pretty guilty, I bet he never feels guilty; he’s awfully quiet “What’s wrong? SHIT have I done something wrong? Did I…” He pushes me on to my back with quite a bit of force and leans overs me with a totally unreadable expression.  
“YOU get to be in control more often, you dirty filthy fucking woman, that voice… JARED, DON’T MOVE… god that was… you have cum on your chin” he uses his thumb to swipe across my chin and then puts it to my lips letting me suck it gently “I should leave you on your own more often to plan… things… your hair by the way is… you look beautiful truly beautiful. Would you like to shower with me? I need another one after that… Come on sex kitten I’ll even let you scrub my back”  
I let him pin me against the shower wall while we’re in there, let the master take the wheel again, maybe a little harder than usual, clearly I got him all frustrated and I’m practically pounded through a hard tiled wall with his fingers laced around my throat and his teeth sinking into my flesh. And after I made him keep quiet he’s oh so vocal about what he’s doing to me, fucking growling into my ear obscenities that have me cumming so hard my vision went white around the edges and I swear for a moment I could see stars.  
“Jared?” he’s wrapped around me in bed as usual all limbs tangled and beard nuzzling  
“Mmmm?” I think he might actually be half asleep and deservedly so, one day I’m convinced he’s just going to fall down and sleep for a hundred years like sleeping freaking beauty, maybe she should be his favourite Disney Princess for that very reason  
“I’m not getting any work done…”  
“I know I’m sorry, I’m not used to you being here, being all Amelia on tour, Amelia next to me whenever I want, Amelia being a dirty fucking whore…”  
“I need to work Jared” I wish I didn’t, I wish I could just hang out and watch you, lion man  
“Ok DOCTOR Henry, BUT will you read me what you’ve written? Naked?”  
Oh for God’s sake….  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
It’s V’s bachelorette party, and we’re being civilised and having dinner with assorted mothers at Jamie and V’s house before the young ones as we’ve been called hit up Los Angeles in some kind of drinking fury and falling out of clubs at 3am singing Lady Gaga and probably being papped.  
Jared and Shannon are on Loveline, which is never going to end well before they’ve even gotten in the car to go there. I’m sat round the table drinking wine and behaving like an adult when V turns the radio on so we can listen. Which I’d rather not because I’m sat with my Mom and Constance and I JUST KNOW Jared’s going to say something utterly stupid and I have in NO way had enough booze to quell that just yet.  
“Jared, Shannon, of Thirty Seconds to Mars welcome back to Loveline, how’s it going?”  
“It’s going good…” Oh this might not be too bad if Shannon’s going to do the majority of the talking  
“Jared there’s been a few changes in your life over the last year, well one in particular change that we’re curious about and that’s the change in your relationship status” Oh god here we go, V just laughs and turns the radio up  
“Ahhh yes the lovely Amelia” it still makes me feel giddy that Jared Leto says MY name in public places, and I can feel myself blushing already, it could just be the three glasses of wine though  
“You WERE quite the, all be it very loveable, rogue, so just what is it about Dr Henry that caused this change in you, not that it’s a bad change anyone can see from your near permanent smile of late that it’s been a positive one…”  
“WELL… she’s massively intelligent and incredibly beautiful of course…” there’s a collection of awes from around the dinner table and I take a large glug of wine in celebration that he managed to say something so nice “… AND is absolutely filthy and wears really TINY panties” OH SWEET JESUS. JARED I AM SAT NEXT TO YOUR MOTHER OH GOD. I lean forward and put my head in my hands while V rubs a comforting hand across my back laughing at my distress  
“I’m going to kill him” I pick up my phone from the table in front of me and send him a host of expletives that he will get when he turns his back on after the show. There’s a crackle on the radio and I hear his text tone ring out, he must not have turned it off shit.  
“Jared is that your phone?”  
“It would seem I’m in trouble… sorry Little Pea” I can hear the realization in his voice probably still reading the text that says WHO I’m sat with  
“Are you gonna be in the doghouse for a while?”  
“Probably but I know she understands that it’s only because I love her so much that I say stupid things, and that’s the real change, love, she brought it back into my life in abundance and it’s changed me for the better definitely”  
“And THAT guys and gals is how to guarantee getting some booty after pissing off your other half” SHANNON for fucks sake… you are just as BAD as your brother…  
“What is it that you love the most about her?”  
I hear him laugh really loudly and I can practically see our entire sex life playing out in his brain, don’t say anything about blow jobs or bondage right now Jared or your dick can go suck itself “She has zero time for any of my shit… can I say shit?”  
“Sure…”  
“And she makes me laugh so much, like I was waiting to go on stage a couple of weeks ago and I’m in my gear and she just said ‘oh could you not decide what to wear so you just thought fuck it I’ll put it all on and hope for the best?’” There’s a loud chorus of laughter erupting from around the table and the radio “PLUS we’re back to the intelligence thing, I can have a conversation with her about pretty much anything and she holds her own… We’re very similar her and I we both strive and push for our dreams and now our dreams fit together”  
There’s a lump in the back of my throat that I’m hoping is part of a breadstick I was chewing on “Do you see yourself getting married in the future?”  
“I see myself with the woman I love who knows about anything else…”  
“RIGHT shall we take some calls? We’ve got Jared to help with any relationship advice and Shannon is going to help all you singles and ready to mingles out there”  
By the time I get in from V’s party, at the ass crack of dawn because literally the sun is rising, I am crawling I’m so drunk. I have no idea how I got in through the front door. I give up I’m sleeping here on the floor, by the still open front door, no fucks given. TOTALLY blaming it on the Goose, got me feeling loose, blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol. I can hear someone moving around in the apartment, SHIT burglars, terrorists, murderers, there’s some pepper spray in my purse I’m sure. BUT I’m also pretty sure none of those people would wear plaid nightwear and look a bit like a pissed off lion with a bad case of bed head.  
“Well there you are…”  
“Lion face… you’re here… I’m SO mad at you”  
“No you’re not you sent me a text saying I’m forgiven because you luff me NOT love, LUFF me LIKE so much right now” He’s right, I think… “Have you hurt yourself or is that ketchup?” I think he’s pointing to my face but it looks like he’s got about eight hands right now so I could be wrong.  
“Ketchup I ate a cheeseburger, sssssshhhhhh don’t tell Jared… I feel sick…” I couldn’t get the room to stay still and maybe eating a cheeseburger after not eating meat or dairy for over two years hadn’t been my wisest drinking decision but neither was a bottle of wine and probably half a bottle of Grey Goose then flipping off the Paps as they took our photos and asked me where Jared was  
“OH Christ come on…” I’m picked up from the floor without any dignity probably flashing my panties NOT that it matters seeing as they’re SO TINY Jared and carried to the bathroom, put down on the floor in front of the toilet and I think for a moment I’m ok, phew close call, but nope I manage to get myself on my knees just in time to throw up cheeseburger and alcohol, urgh god I hate being sick, it makes me… it makes me… “Amelia?”  
“Can’t breathe…” I can feel my eyeballs pushing out of my head and tears streaming down my face as I heave over the toilet bowl “Can’t breathe” I’m literally fighting for air, and all I’m getting is bile and snot running down my face and throat, which makes me panic, which makes it a hundred times worse to the point I feel like my airway is being constricted  
“Jesus, fuck… come on Little Pea…” He’s rubbing my back with one hand and holding my hair out of my face with the other and I still can’t breathe only heave “SHIT AMELIA you’re really fucking frightening me, it’s only puke, come on CALM down breathe with me, come on Amelia please” My body heaves again and that really fucking hurts, OH now I remember why I don’t drink and I’m a vegan. I feel my hair fall back round my face and Jared stands up running the tap as I finally get my breathing under control and pull myself backwards away from the toilet raising my hand to the flush and hauling my body so my back is rested against the bathtub. Jared hands me a tumbler of water, oh god I’ve probably got make up running down my face and puke in my hair, don’t think about puke don’t think about puke… “Are you ok?”  
“Sorry throwing up frightens me, and then I panic because I can’t breathe which just makes it worse, sorry”  
“You already said sorry, it was terrifying to watch, do you think you’re gonna puke anymore?”  
“I hope not”  
“Good, where are the things to take your make up off with because you look like a sad clown right now”  
“In the cabinet” I feel oh so sober suddenly and oh so embarrassed and sorry for myself. He crouches down to my level and I think for a moment he’s just going to hand me the make-up remover wipe but he does it for me, gently tilting my chin towards him, I must smell awful all booze and meat and puke but he’s pulling his concentrating really hard face, which thankfully is slightly more in focus now.  
“There I think that’ll do, come on teeth brush and sleep, I’ll get you a bottle of water and some Tylenol while you brush your teeth ok? Can you get up? Or should I just hand your drunken ass the toothbrush down there?”  
“I’ll get up… I’ll get up…” it takes me a couple of attempts, especially still with my heels strapped to my feet, looking in the mirror he really has done a good job of getting my make up off, probably better than I would have. He’s under the covers waiting for me when I get into the bedroom a bottle of water and Tylenol on the bed next to him, I sit down maybe a little too close to him or maybe even kind of on him and more than likely like a dead drunk weight “Do I smell of puke?”  
He nuzzles his nose into my hair “Nope not puke, fried food and vodka mainly, did you at least have a good time?” I try to lean down and undo the ankle straps on my shoes but totally lose balance and fall to the floor “You are the world’s WORST drunk… hang on…” He pulls back the covers and gets on the floor next to me to undo and take off my shoes “I am actually sorry you know, I totally forgot you were with assorted mothers earlier, when I was talking about your really tiny panties” He helps me to my now bare feet and lifts my dress off over my head “BUT look at those… you don’t help yourself”  
“It’s ok my mom was drunk and your mom just shook her head and erm what you said about the love…” He’s got one arm round me and one arm is reaching to pull the covers back and put me under them  
“What about the love?” I’m in bed and despite smelling like booze and meat he’s thrown his limbs over me as usual “I wasn’t saying it just to make up for telling the world about your small underwear fetish I said it because it’s true”  
“Why are you here anyway?” Seriously Jared why are you in my apartment when I’m not? I managed to neck two Tylenol without disturbing his starfish cling to me too much  
“Shannon brought some girl back to the Lab after Loveline and she was just completely annoying all high pitched giggle and even higher pitched sex noises so I thought I’d just come stay here, sorry should I have text you and told you?”  
“Have you been going through my underwear drawer?” It’s the most private place I can think of in my apartment and where I stash stuff I don’t want to be seen  
“WHY would I do that?”  
“I DON’T know…” to my drunken brain it just seems like something he would do, steal a pair of my panties to take away with him for Jared purposes that I’m not even thinking about right now  
“Alcohol kills brain cells, I think you may have killed your common sense, or more likely drowned it in Grey Goose”  
“Shhh don’t talk about the Goose got me feelin’ loose blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol”  
“Go to sleep Amelia”  
“I love you, even if you do tell the state of California about my tiny panties, everything else you said was… it was… beautiful”  
“I love you too, now go to sleep… Amelia?”  
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
Another Christmas comes and goes, along with Jared’s birthday. We all spend it at the Lab my parents included; my Dad gets drunk and tries to tell Shannon he’s Zeus before falling asleep in a chair for three hours snoring loudly. Jared for some reason, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be sure why bought me a kitten, he turned up to pick me and my parents up from their house on Christmas morning with this black kitten LITERALLY in his coat pocket. I’m convinced he forgot to buy me a gift and found some crazy cat woman on the way, but Shannon says said small thing has been at the Lab attacking socks for a couple of days prior to be given to me (with a fucking red bow attached to its collar) on Christmas Day. It’s the smallest fuzziest thing I’ve ever seen it’s just black fluff and yellow eyes. I decide to call him Beast as he’s so far from being a beast it’s not even true. Jared tells me he’s a Norwegian Forest Cat which delights my Dad because apparently these things are held very highly in Norse mythology and supposedly have magical guardian powers. I suspect Jared knew all this when he bought him for me. He’s going to be on tour so much of this coming year and now I have a magical furry guardian, with the loudest purr I’ve ever heard, he tells me he’s happier about leaving me alone in my apartment because the beast will guard against intruders. Erm no Jared the beast can barely swim across the floor while being far too amused by his own tail and Shannon’s shoe laces to defend me against anything, unless it’s a candy wrapper because they are his mortal enemy it would seem.  
My gift of a new camera and leather jacket as close to his stolen one as I could find seem to pale in comparison seeing as he bought me an entire life, a whole (all be it very tiny) life who insists on sleeping on Jared’s head whenever he gets the chance and swiping his paw at anyone who comes near him apart from me. But Jared’s happily lounging around in his pyjamas with his leather jacket over the top while taking photos of everything that moves and whole bunch of stuff that doesn’t AND making Beast the most Instagrammed kitten in the history of the internet. There’s photos and gifs, and cartoons drawn by the Echelon all over the place and by the time New Year’s Eve rolls around this tiny ball of fluff is slowly over taking Bub and Grumpy Cat in the meme stakes.  
Sadly he can’t accompany us to Jamie and V’s wedding which is taking place at five pm on New Year’s Eve. I spend the day getting ready with V who’s having a major crisis about everything so I give her a Valium and hope for the best. I’m grateful to her for my tasteful outfit, that’s more like an evening gown than a traditional bridesmaid dress. I feel a bit funny though about walking up the aisle on Jared’s arm, I don’t know why. Am I jealous that V is getting married? NO I think momentarily in the car on the way about being married to Jared and it’s not what I want, the way we work is the way we work, and I don’t want it to change. I’ve been in denial for weeks over the fact that we are basically living together BUT our only nights apart now are when he’s physically not in the same area code as me so I don’t know what else to call it. And I’m sure if you said to Jared ‘you live with Amelia right?’ he’d say no as would I. But if you asked Shannon, V, anyone close to us they’d tell you otherwise. It doesn’t freak me out anymore, even when I come home from my studio expecting to find an empty apartment and find Jared and all his Jaredness sprawled out all over the couch, even when he sheds more hair than both us together that blocks the drain in the shower, I’m still an aura of calm. Maybe we should talk about it, us living together properly, but then would I move into the Lab and give up my apartment? NO, god no, that place drives me crazy and I understand why Jared stays at my apartment all the time, maybe we could buy a house together… OH GOD there it is, hyperventilating, yup shouldn’t have pushed my brain on that one fuck. HERE comes the next relationship hurdle for us to try and get through… Luckily it all gets pushed to the back of my mind as I help V out of the car and reassemble her huge dress before we enter the church.  
“Veronica are you sure you want to do this? It’s not too late to run…”  
“Amelia I am not you who runs away when she finds one of her boyfriend’s socks in the laundry, I love Jamie, I want to marry Jamie, it’s meant to be… who knows maybe you’ll be next” and that’s number ONE four more and I’m sitting under a table with Jared for the rest of the event.  
“V you look radiant” I smile widely as Jared, Shannon all and Stevie acting as groomsmen hug and kiss the bride before taking their places next to their respective bridesmaids. From the look on Shannon’s face when he stands next to V’s cousin Emily there’s more than likely to be some high pitch sex noises later, well she’s old enough, although she wasn’t the last time I looked but that was fifteen years ago and she was ten at V’s twenty first GOD we’re getting OLD, and I’m still not an adult am I?  
“Amelia…” he leans forward putting a small kiss to my cheek and tucks a fallen strand of hair behind my ear, he looks SO handsome, god even if we weren’t whatever we are these days and I got to walk up the aisle with Jared Leto I don’t think anything could have stopped the smile from spreading across my face, getting to go home with him at the end of the night that’s just the cherry on top, oh HOME, we go home…  
“Jared…”  
“You look especially freaked out this evening” Thanks Jared I think you’re supposed to tell me I look nice or something not freaked out “Has someone told you we’ll be next?”  
“Only once…”  
“I’ve had it three times, so that’s four… one more and we can hide under the table ok?” I nod at him “You also look beautiful, I think I’m supposed to say something about not out shining the bride but… I’ll tell you more about that later”  
“PLACES EVERYONE”  
I loop my arm through Jared’s and take a tight grip on my bouquet as we walk up the aisle third in line after everyone else and directly before V and her Dad, everyone’s staring at me, I don’t like this, why does everyone look so goddam misty eyed already? He kisses my cheek again as we reach the altar and we take our places in line. Jamie looks so happy as V meets him at the altar, oh am I going to cry? When did I last go to a wedding? It doesn’t matter because this is my BEST friend’s wedding, she’s wearing a fucking dress, the woman who lives in gym gear and sneakers is in a dress and looking happy about it. That’s what love looks like. I look over to Jared as they make their vows he mouths to ask me if I’m ok I nod feeling a tear actually run down my face, shit, I don’t have any tissues instead I use my fingers to wipe away my tears and hope for the best. Jared’s still looking at me, all lion’s mane and ridiculously well fitted black suit, Shannon catches my eye because he’s blatantly mouthing obscenities to Emily, I try and point this out to Jared but he’s already one step ahead of me and giving Shannon a swift but well-disguised elbow to the ribs.  
Rings are exchanged, I cry some more, seriously what the fuck is wrong with me? Is my period due? Hormones this is all the result of a hormone fluctuation, I do not cry at weddings, but it’s just SO beautiful, then I realise that I’ve kind of lost my best friend to a GUY and cry even more, shit, I think there’s an emergency make up bag floating round somewhere. I meet up with Jared once again and in front of the now happy married couple walk back up the aisle.  
“Are you ok?” I let my head rest against him as we walk and he puts a kiss to the top of it, which is always guaranteed to make me emotional because it’s such a sweet gesture, and I’m reminded that there’s a side to Jared Leto that only I see  
“Yeah I think I’m over hormonal is all”  
“Oh… should I duck or just take my clothes off?”  
“Have I got panda face?”  
I see him peer round me while I’m trying to look straight ahead and not crash into anyone “No, you just look like a beautiful woman who’s a bit teary over her best friend’s wedding”  
There are photos outside the church and I manage to find the emergency make up bag, and brush away my streaky cheeks before the camera starts flashing. Everyone’s smiling and I can see Jared looking at me across everyone else. Probably fearing my hormones, a couple of months ago I kind of threw a cushion at his head because he laughed at me for crying at Sabrina the Teenage witch, so he’s probably wondering what I can aim at his head tonight, maybe a well-timed bread roll during the speeches OR he’s thinking about my hormones taking charge of my sexual organs and pulling him into the nearest private area and demanding that he fucks me, I can’t help it Jared, you just multiply everything at certain times of the month. After group shots each bridesmaid’s photo is taken with her groomsman, me and Jared are SHIT at official photos, it’s mostly my fault because I kind of feel like a lump of coal next to a bar of gold and he’s so good at posing and I just hope that I don’t blink. He takes me slightly by surprise by puling me into him as opposed to us just standing side by side like everyone else, the close proximity of his body to my own as always makes me smile broadly, the flash goes off and I’m not asked to retake it so I can only assume I didn’t have my eyes closed.  
A coach takes us all to the reception venue bar Jamie and V who go in the limo we came in. Jared squishes me up to the window, if there’s a confined space Jared has to be on the outside of it and I generally get squashed into walls and windows and chair arms…  
“No more tears?”  
“HEY I just lost my best friend to A GUY, god they’ll be having babies next…”  
“Such is life Little Pea” he nuzzles into my neck which gives me goose bumps as always “You smell like all my favourite things, probably because you are my favourite thing”  
“Jared?”  
“Amelia…”  
“Are we… living together?” I’m having a moment of bravery and tackling one of those things that freak us out  
“Is Pythagoras at the apartment?”  
“Yeah”  
“I guess we are then I only leave it in permanent residences, are you freaking out?”  
“No but there’s not THAT much of your stuff at my apartment”  
“True but I’M THERE I think me being there is more important to my stuff being there, should we do something official about this?”  
“No, you’ll be gone soon and I don’t want everyone going oh look they just moved in together and now he’s gone on tour, plus do you really want to leave the Lab?”  
“We were talking about turning the Lab purely into a place of work, and the bedrooms can be for when we need session musicians so stay over etc. Shannon wants to build his own house and to be honest Amelia and this terrifies me, I just want to be where you are at the end of the day so I can lay down next to you, hear that funny noise you make as you fall asleep be able to tangle my limbs through yours and know that you’re safe, you complete me, you’re my world now…”  
“Oh erm…” WOW Jared that was NOT what I was expecting to hear and I’m glad I’m squashed against the window or I’d have just fallen out of my chair, because what?  
“We’ll talk about it properly later I promise… But for now please know that I just want to be where you are ok?”  
Before I can gauge any kind of response from my brain one of V’s relatives leans round from their seat in front of us “Lovely wedding wasn’t it? It’ll be you two next….” 

V asks me five times if I’m ok before she’ll let me go sit down at the reception. It’s her wedding she doesn’t want to spend the evening listening to me freak out because Jared Leto just told me I complete him. Maybe it’s just the romance it’s gotten to him somehow through all his lovely hair. I don’t know where he’s gone and I’m supposed to be sitting next to him, I’m at a table with my Mom and Dad, Constance, Emma, Shannon, Emily (and her Mom), Stevie and Jared who’s disappeared into thin air somewhere.  
Shannon’s all looped round Emily to eye rolls from Emma as usual. Probably because Emma fears she’s going to have to clean up some kind of Shannon sex party tomorrow, especially as Emily is incredibly snap happy over everything with her cell phone.  
“Where’s Jared?” Constance leans across the empty space to me where he’s supposed to be  
“I dunno…”  
“Is everything ok?” She’s looking at me like we’ve had an argument when that couldn’t be further from the truth  
“Yes Mom everything is fine thank you…” he’s pulling his chair out and sitting down between us  
“Where did you go?” I hate asking him things like that, it’s one of the best things about our relationship that we have mutual respect for each other’s spaces and he never asks me where I’ve been or who I was talking to every half an hour. But he did just kind of vanish when we got off the coach  
“Sorry I needed to check my messages, are you ok?” he slings an arm loosely around my shoulder, kissing the top of my arm probably because it’s the part of me that’s nearest to him  
“Yes why does everyone keep asking me that?”  
“You look slightly more rattled than usual that’s why…” maybe I should have necked a Valley myself as well as giving V one. He glances across the table to Shannon and rolls his eyes just like Emma did “Great Shannon sex party, honestly, I’m the younger brother he’s supposed to be the one setting an example not me”  
“Jared leave him be not everyone can have an Amelia… AND can I remind you that it took YOU long enough to find one yourself” There’s a firm squeeze to my knee under the table at Constance’s words.  
Dinner is served I try not to drink my own body weight in table wine which is hard because Shannon keeps filling up everyone’s glasses every time they’re less than half full, and just keeps shrugging his shoulders saying it’s a wedding and New Year’s Eve. My Dad is thoroughly rosy cheeked by dessert as are my Mom and Constance, oh good drunk parents I hope they’ve sobered up by the time there’s dancing or it’ll end up like the Great Outdoors and my Dad will end up dancing on the bar (he’s done it before). Speeches are made and I cry AGAIN over Jamie’s speech about V, thanking me for bringing her into his life which never would have happened if I hadn’t crashed into Jared in Whole Foods because of my paint splattered glasses. See Jared my paint splattered clothing is good for some things. V and Jamie take their first dance and I’m over whelmed with nausea aka The Power of Love by Jennifer Rush. I decline Jared’s offer to dance because one I can’t dance and two this song is awful and I’m going to mock my friend about it for the rest of her life.  
“I’m so weddinged out”  
“I don’t think weddinged is a word Amelia and I’m still not speaking to you seeing as you wouldn’t dance with me”  
“I can’t dance, and it’s a good job I admit it look at my Dad…” I point to the centre of the dance floor where he’s spinning Constance round and my Mom is dancing a little too close to Shannon “… are you drunk?”  
“Perhaps a little merry, but may I remind you who took care of YOU when you hurled cheeseburger and fell out of bed after half a bottle of Grey Goose and you CAN dance I’ve seen you in your studio doing your hair flips and Beyonce strut” I don’t want to know HOW he’s seen those things but that’s very different Jared “Please will you dance with me? You tell me what you want to dance to and I will get the DJ to play it, anything you want Arctic Monkeys? Modest Mouse? A Tribe Called Quest?”  
“A Tribe Called Quest?”  
“Yes because you can kick it Amelia” hahahahaha DRUNK Jared, oh this is going to be FUN, hopefully Emma will help me with this but she seems to have vanished and we’re at the table alone “Why whenever you wear a dress do you have to be encased in layers of… whatever the fuck this is?” I feel his hand desperately trying to make contact with my skin under the table only to be foiled by layers of satin and netting  
“And WHY when I wear a dress do you feel the need to touch me inappropriately in public?”  
“I think you’ll find I try and do that no matter what you’re wearing and I do it because and I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I LIKE touching you… all the time, you’re my… hmmmm girlfriend doesn’t seem to cut it anymore and you’re Little Pea to more than just me…” I look at him over the rim of my wine glass he’s sat relaxed back in his chair, legs open, tie off, top shirt button undone, Jared your floozy is showing, NOT that I’m complaining, I wonder if we could make a swift exit and anyone would notice. I’ve forgotten what he was even talking about but he looks deep in thought rubbing his hand across his bearded chin “I can’t think of anything right now, you’re my Amelia, my love” he reaches forward and cups his hand around my face. What is with you today Jared? You’ve gone all romance and flowers can we go back to Jared in leather pants, strutting about my apartment without his shirt on? “What are you thinking about?”  
“Leather pants”  
“And I just walked into the conversation at the wrong moment… not dancing?” V manages to sit down in her dress without toppling off the chair  
“Amelia doesn’t dance apparently”  
“Bullshit yes she does, it’s my wedding and I say you’re going to dance, I only came over to make sure you were ok and not going to vanish in to thin air and then reappear covered in hickeys with your hair stuck up all over the place”  
Jared don’t look at me like that “No vanishing tonight promise”  
“Good because it’s nearly midnight, I want to see you dance with Jared and at least make the effort to catch my bouquet… DON’T pull that face at me Henry, my wedding MY rules ok?”  
“OK REED” she glares at me slightly then licks the side of my face as she stands up before making her way back on to the dance floor to talk to the DJ I assume as moments later Mark Ronson and Amy Winehouse’s Valerie starts filtering out and I’m on my feet so quick Jared has to almost jog to catch me up.  
“FINALLY Amelia, right come on…”  
“Come on what?” he pulls me towards him and starts twirling me around the dance floor and twirling is the only word for it. Jared your hips do not lie, I feel like I’m dancing with Mick Jagger, and I don’t know whether to laugh or be slightly aroused. It’s one thing watching him do this on stage it’s very different having it pressed up against me, hand in the middle of my back the other hand clasped tightly round mine. I resist the urge to just squeeze his butt and blame it on the booze. Seriously though his butt is so beautiful I could cry, erm, maybe I’ve had too much wine  
Shannon cuts in and Jared goes to dance with his Mom which is so nice I hope someone is taking photos “Good day?”  
“Long day, where’s Emily?” Dancing with Shannon is weird, he’s physically bigger than Jared and he feels all wrong against me too much arm and not enough beard the bear to Jared’s lion  
“Left with her Mom, they’ve got a weird flight time back to wherever it was they came from”  
“NO Shannon sex party then?”  
“I have NO idea what a Shannon sex party is and I’m Shannon, are you and Jared actually going to admit to anyone that you’re officially living in sin?”  
“I don’t think anything is official”  
“His guitar is not at the lab, and I saw it at your apartment, that thing only goes wherever Jared lives”  
“So I hear…”  
“Right Shannon, hands of my Amelia please…” Jared you’re so freaking possessive sometimes, I like it though, don’t stop it makes me feel… wanted. Shannon releases me back to Jared as the music stops “Vi s gonna throw her bouquet” How do you know these things? “Are you going to go play?”  
I don’t really want to but I suppose I should, you know for the sake of photos and such, I kiss Jared quickly and take a spot at the back of the crowd gathered in front of the little stage as V stands with her back to us and the DJ counts down. I’m so busy thinking she’s got a good arm and aim so the girls at the front it’s just going to go straight over their heads that I don’t even register my arm going in the air and it’s not until the stupid fucking thing is firmly in my grasp that I look up and see it there with my fingers pulled tight around the stems and ribbon not one petal missing. I don’t know who’s more shocked by my sudden outburst of athletic prowess, me or the audience because there’s deathly silence before a round of applause starts to ring out and I take a little bow feeling suitably embarrassed still clutching the bouquet. Maybe I should give it someone else? Is that massively unlucky? Because if there’s one thing I hate it’s crazy curses and bad luck promises. What the hell am I supposed to do with the thing? The girls are replaced once again with dancing couples and I’m still stood feeling a bit silly. My parents get to me first and I can see V laughing at me out of the corner of my eye talking to Jared, SHIT sorry lion man  
“Well done darling, bloody good arm you’ve got there you didn’t even move; me and your Mom are going to head off ok? We’ve bid farewell to the Letos…” I almost snort at my Dad’s use of ‘The Letos’ and wonder if he’s including Emma Stevie and Tomo in that as well “ANYWAY enjoy the rest of your evening, happy new year and all that”  
“Yes and now you and Jared are living together perhaps it would be nice if you had us over for dinner before he goes on tour huh? Bye lovely happy new year”  
I go to open my mouth but they’re already halfway across the dance floor hugging Jared as the pass him on his way to me “Well, if I need a short stop I know who to come to”  
“What am I supposed to do with it?”  
“That I don’t know Amelia” He’s looking down on me running his fingers down the side of my face just smiling at me, what? You look smug, I’m not sure if I like it  
“Sorry”  
“Don’t be sorry it was an impressive… it wasn’t even a catch more a precisely timed grab, I thought girls were supposed to be happy when they caught the bouquet?”  
I hadn’t noticed Tomo and Vicki sliding or rather dancing up to us “Impressive catch Emmy, well I guess that’s it then you two will be next” Tomo’s laughing loudly as he and Vicki dance away from us and I think about making a dash for under a table hiding because that’s more than five times now people can just hand us glasses of booze and snacks while we hide it out  
“You know what?” What Jared? He pulls his arms around me before I can drag him to a safe hiding spot with the dam bouquet still clasped firmly in my hand “Maybe it’s not such a bad idea…”  
WAIT… WHAT?

The clock struck midnight while we were on the dance floor, Jared kissed me while I still clutched the bouquet and then I decided it was very much home time. Where is home? Or is it now a spiritual place instead of a physical one wherever Jared is? I am so utterly confused by everything that has happened today. Jared’s pretty quiet on the ride back to my apartment, or is it our apartment now? I’m hoping it’s just from tiredness and alcohol wearing off than something I’ve said or maybe not said. I don’t seem to have said a lot today and he’s just made grand sweeping statements about our relationship instead.  
“Emmy?” He hardly ever calls me Emmy, I think it’s just because he likes to say Amelia in that tone of authority he has and watch my knees shake, he only ever calls me Emmy when he wants something like me to pass him the TV remote and can’t be bothered to move “Shall we tackle the next relationship freak out now or…”  
A heavy sigh escapes my lips before I can stop it, shit we’ll do it now I don’t know why I’m freaking out so much about talking about it, surely I should have freaked out last week when I realised we’d barely spent a night apart in nearly a month “Sure, shall we have tea to go with the freak out or something stronger?”  
“Tea is good would you like me to put your prize in some water?”  
Prize? What prize? Oh Christ right that thing “Yeah I suppose, maybe V will want it back?”  
“Think you won it fair and square lady” there’s a happy silence as I make tea, noticing that at some point without me realising his mug has been brought over from the lab, I have NO idea where it came from originally it looks like someone painted it for him all MARS triads and his name in big black letters. I’m so fucking tired, it’s got to be at least 3am. Things got a bit blurry at the end of the wedding, we went to say goodbye to Shannon to find out he’d vanished (probably to a Shannon sex party), V and Jamie were nowhere to be seen, and as for the rest of ‘The Letos’ they were still spinning round the dance floor making me feel like a proper party pooper for wanting to call it a night, but Jared was starting to sway slightly (which is what he does when he gets tired, he looks kinda like he’s drunk, but I worked out a while ago that he’s literally trying to stay awake and not fall asleep standing up). He’s kicked his shoes off and put his slippers on, another thing I hadn’t noticed had moved in here but they were right by the couch not in a bag he’d just brought over… “Thanks” He kisses me as I sit down next to him, tea cups steaming away on the coffee table although I have a feeling it’s not going to get drunk, his whole body is pointed towards me and he’s doing that thing where he looks at me like I’m the only thing that matters “Ok I’ll go first… can I move in here?”  
WHOA WHOA WHOA there Leto… erm… so many reasons for a start I don’t know if this apartment is big enough for the both of us Jared especially with all your… things “Are you sure you want to?”  
“Yes I’m sure I want to, I have NO attachment to ninety percent of what’s in the Lab apart from maybe my leather chair and some pictures so this place is big enough for us both”  
“What about your bed?”  
“Do you want to swap my bed with your bed? I’m not fussed either way” he’s happily sipping at his tea just like an aura of calm, fucker  
“I quite like my bed” and your bed makes me feel a bit weird in a how many people were in it before me kinda way when I know he’s the only person to be in my bed and I want to keep it that way  
But Jared what about when you’re not here and I am and all your stuff is, how will that make me feel? Will it be like you’ve left and I’m in some kind of weird limbo like we’ve broken up and I’m waiting for you to move out? Oh god I don’t know, I just don’t know “OK we’ll keep your bed I obviously like it seeing as I’m in it so much…” Don’t wink at me this is a serious conversation… I think “Now you’re going to tell me why the idea of us living together freaks you out so much”  
“Well, what about when you leave and then I’ll have to move because I couldn’t be here where we were” and I have loved this apartment for longer than I have loved you Jared it’s kind of mine  
“Always with the doubt Amelia, firstly I assure you I’m not going anywhere, apart from on tour obviously, but for so long I haven’t really had a home, I have the lab but it’s more a place to sleep than live and I want to live here with you. I want a home to come back to, someone waiting for me, and that someone is you …” He smiles broadly and stands up from the couch disappearing off into the bedroom and comes back moments later with the small ball of fluff that is the beast who’s purring loudly as Jared places him on the couch and sits back down “AND this ball of fur as well of course…”  
“Will Shannon be ok?” Beast crawls into my lap all sharp claws pulling at my dress, never mind I’ll never wear it again, it’ll just hang in a garment bag in the closet, a closet that apparently I’m going to have to share with Jared Leto, maybe we can turn the box room into one giant glorious room of clothes and shoes  
“Shannon will be fine and we’re not far are we?”  
“Are you really sure?” Because I need to be really sure Jared, if you’re here you’re here capeesh? You can’t go leaving me all broken hearted I’ve done my time with that, paid my dues, you’re it Mr Leto… I hope  
He does that thing where he puts his hand to my face and cups it stroking his thumb across my cheek “Yes Amelia I’m really sure we’ll worry about bills and such another time but shall I start packing? I’d quite like to be vaguely moved before I go away on tour”  
I let my head rest on his hand “Ok” he lets out a sigh of relief and smiles, I don’t think I really had a choice here Jared seeing as you’ve kind of already moved in and if we hadn’t had this talk you’d probably just have slowly moved in without me realising until your inflatable monkey was here along with boxes of Creeps stuff and I’d be sat packing up Jared Leto dot com merch in the kitchen as if it was an everyday occurrence  
“Are you excited?” he lets go of my face and puts his hand to the ball of fur in my lap  
“What about the other thing?” Let’s talk about that before I admit that I am really freaking excited to be living with you, and here as well because I hate moving, it makes me vomit… DON’T think about vomit.  
“Oh yes, well you caught the bouquet therefore you’re next…” I must pull a look of horror because he’s drawing me into his arms careful of the beast between us “If we survive this year of living together how about we have another freak out then, because it scares me the thought I actually want to… erm get married to anyone…”  
“Why mention it now then?” Because I think you’ve done it just to freak me out beyond belief today when I was freaked enough as it was  
“Today, seeing people who love each other, wanting to spend the rest of their lives together just for that reason, I forgot it could happen, and then I looked at you just watched you all day, crying, laughing, every single emotion you could ever feel you seemed to go through today and I realised that no matter what you throw at me, be it a cushion in a PMT rage, a freak out over my socks in your underwear drawer or actual vomit from eating meat and dairy washed down with vodka I love you and I think we could be happy together… married wouldn’t you want to be a Leto?” Erm… erm… erm… how in the HELL did we get here? Wasn’t it only yesterday I was minding my own business when you slammed into me in the supermarket? Now married? Jesus H Christ “I understand if you’d want to keep your name for your work, but yeah I’d love it if you eventually became a Leto as well…”  
I am giving nothing away here “Well freak out over can we go to bed now?” I nuzzle myself into his neck for a change and put a gentle kiss to it, strangely sometimes I don’t want to bite him I just want to kiss him I just want to show him I love him… even if I do find it hard because I’m still convinced he’s gonna leave me like all the others  
“So you would marry me? I mean if I asked you properly of course”  
Are we still talking about this? Why are we not naked? You’re not gonna let this go until there’s a fucking ring on my finger and we’re in HELLO magazine looking like airbrushed idiots are you? “It terrifies me”  
“And me” we’re still on the couch arms wrapped round each other clinging to one another purring slumbering kitten between us freaking out that there’s a very large chance that two fucked up people are going to get married to each other because finally something went right  
“This isn’t just because I caught the bouquet?”  
“Not at all…” I’ve sat back slightly so I can look him in the eye, you can tell so much over what’s going on in those eyes, I’ve learnt to read them now, and I can see he’s not lying.  
“Then yes Jared I would marry you” I mean you know then there’d be a wedding and I’d have to walk up the aisle and OH GOD PANIC ATTACK… I put the beast from my lap down on the couch itself where he barely stirs and I stand up offering out my hand to Jared, I don’t know which of us look more shocked by today’s revelations “For now though shall we go to bed? Our bed? Seeing as WE live here now…”  
“I’d like that” he takes my hand and stands up, the beast stretches out, looks at us and then curls back up in a ball on the couch clearly not bothered that we both live with him now  
By the time we reach the bedroom door we’re down to our underwear, a trail of wedding finery leading from the couch. There’s no force in his movements, no hands grasping any flesh of mine where he can just butterfly kisses and soft finger tips, the touch of his warm skin against mine. We tumble on to our bed now naked laid side by side I hook my leg around his waist and sigh happily and deeply as he slides into me. Neither of us move, just lay connected, kissing, stroking. He slowly moves his hips almost withdrawing himself totally each time then slowly sliding back into me making my toes curl and loud moans force themselves from my lips. He pulls me closer to him, effectively just leaving us holding each other. He picks up pace with his hips and I let myself move to meet him. I cum in a way I never have before, it’s like an aura of light pulling from my very being not just my core but from everywhere making my whole body tremble, he watches me closely running his fingers down my face, not once looking away from me. He tenses up, I feel like I am still floating, like we aren’t even on the bed. Before his own orgasm hits he says that he loves me, another first, then he kisses me deeply as his body stills. Well that was… new… I don’t think I’ll ever tire of him he’s constantly full of surprises, surprises that take me a good five minutes to get my breathing under control again.  
I pull myself away from him, noticing I’ve got a little bit stuck to him with sweat and that the sun is rising flooding the room with light “Next time we freak out Jared can we do it at a reasonable hour?”  
He yawns loudly looking so much like a lion and we move into our normal sleeping positions, still naked meaning I’m going get a dick poke to my hip when I wake up, in fact it’ll be what wakes me up no doubt “Agreed Little Pea that’s it we’re old and responsible now living together cocoa and bed at 10pm then I’ll fuck… I mean tuck you in”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

My name is Jared Leto and I am in the middle of moving in with my girlfriend Amelia. She is mental, I’m actually sure that she is certifiable maybe 50% of the time which is one of the reasons I love her so much. BUT today I have pissed her off, really pissed her off, to the point that I don’t actually know where she is right now and she’s forgotten her phone or left it on purpose, she does these things, and it makes me mental. How hard is it Amelia to remember your phone when you’re slamming out of the door? Deep breath Jared deep breath…   
I think I pushed her too far but she’s too independent for her own good. I touched a nerve somewhere and instead of the usual I can hear her brain whirring freak out she yelled at me and stomped out. I think I evoked the spirit of feminism in my little artist to the point she should have been locked up with the suffragettes and I half expected her to set fire to her bra and throw it at me. All I said was that I would pay all the bills seeing as there was no mortgage to pay because she’d bought the place outright. She wouldn’t take my money as a share on the apartment but she did agree to put my name on the deeds and I should have just left it there, but I had to keep going because if we’ve started freaking out over one thing we may as well keep going until we’ve covered all bases.   
I in no way told her she now belonged in the kitchen and should be a kept woman but you would think I had because the next thing I knew she was yelling at me about being misogynistic while pulling on her sneakers and slamming out the door. She’s been gone nearly two hours now, this is not good. Mainly because I kinda want to spend as much time with her as possible before I go on tour in what is now our apartment but also because she’s gone without her phone and I don’t think she’s got her purse. Even the fucking cat is glaring at me, I know Beast I’m gonna sort it, I’ll find her… She’s probably at her studio. SO I called Terry to go check if she was there only she wasn’t, so I called V instead.   
“You went all Christian Grey on her didn’t you?”   
“I don’t know what that means and hello to you too Veronica”   
“You cannot push her Jared, Jesus fucking Christ”   
“I don’t know what I did… I just want us to be equal”   
“I don’t think you paying all the bills makes you equal Jared, you may as well have told her that she was incapable of looking after herself while you’re away… and can I point out that she’s been taking care of herself for YEARS before you came along”   
“Where is she?”   
“She’s here, why haven’t you called her cell?”   
“Because I’m stood here holding her fucking cell…”   
I could hear Amelia in the background pulling the phone from her friend I wasn’t entirely sure how she even got there because her car keys were still on the kitchen counter “Jared”   
“Baby I’m sorry”   
“Don’t call me baby”   
“Alright sister suffragette don’t throw yourself under the kings horse” The line went dead and there’s another example of me pushing my girlfriend / best friend / housemate too far by saying the wrong thing. Fuck it, I’m going to have to go get her and bring her home, I’m man AND I will sling her over my shoulder and drag her back to the cave if I have to. Dammit Amelia. Not so long ago she would have been going back to wherever it was I’d picked her up from without so much as a thank you from me and a lecture from my assistant about not kissing and telling all over the internet. But there was something about Amelia, there’ll always be something about Amelia which will always be the reason I’m crazy about her. I just say the wrong things. This is all so fucking new to me. I don’t know what to do I’m going to live with A GIRL maybe I should just go back to lab and hide behind Shannon. No Jared get a fucking grip I love her she’s my… whatever she is. And when I hold her down and fuck her and her thighs clamp around me, Jesus I am sure she could kill a man with her thighs, I should man up and go and say sorry in case she does kill me with her thighs and not in a good way.   
Flowers, flowers are the way to go here, what flowers does she like? Fuck see I don’t even know I’ve never bought them for her before (we don’t do Valentine’s Day), I am a shit boyfriend. NO I can’t be that shit because she’s still here and said I could move in with her. I’m gonna call Shannon he’s the Romeo   
“I fucked up”   
“Already? What did you do?”   
“She’s gone all I am feminist and you can take your out dated ideas away from my face and stomped off to V and Jamie’s”   
“Is this about money?”   
“How did you know that?”   
“Because you’re always trying to look after people who don’t need looking after it’s not the dark ages Jared you can’t lock her up in your Ivory Tower to wait for you to come home while paying for her life, can you not see how that would make someone feel? Especially Amelia who’s stood on her own for so long and then all of a sudden you come wading in with your platinum check book like it’s ok baby Jared’s here now?”   
“See why couldn’t she just say that to me?”   
“Because you freaked her out and got her back up, you have to tread softly with Amelia you can’t expect her to bow down to you”   
“I’m going to buy her some flowers and go and apologise”   
“Good, because if she’s not on her way to being my sister in law within the next year Jared you really did fuck it up, she’s perfect for you”   
“Because she’s utterly mental?”   
“Pretty much… go and get her some flowers, not roses or lilies though… apologise, make up and then come and pick up more of your fucking boxes I keep tripping over them and don’t think I didn’t notice my fucking jacket in one of them”   
“It’s my jacket…”   
“Flowers Jared, apologies…”   
“Okay okay I’m going”   
It took me what felt like an eternity to find flowers that I thought she would like, I nearly got crushed in the January sales rush AND I got papped carrying the dam things so that was probably spreading across the internet. Yes I pissed off my girlfriend YES I bought her flowers to say sorry. I should buy her flowers when we’ve not had an argument. Even though it’s not really an argument she stomped off in a rage. Is this a PMT rage? That’s probably it. Jamie’s stood on the porch when I get there.   
“Well done Jared”   
“Is she crying?” I hate it when she cries; we watched Toy Story 3 and when she sobbed it was the saddest thing I’d ever seen, sadder than the film. I vowed then to never make her cry and here I am feeling like a shit because I could have very possibly made her cry today without thinking and just opening my big mouth without engaging my brain first.   
“No just mad, equality Jared, it’s called equality”   
“Yeah, yeah, yeah…” I can see her hovering in the doorway, Amelia, my Little Pea, the most precious thing in the whole fucking world, shit what did I do? I can’t lose her, I can’t go back to no Amelia it was miserable before she’s the best thing that ever happened to me “Little Pea I’m sorry, I brought you flowers” She’s out of the door now as Jamie steps back inside and I can see from the corner of my eye both him and V peering out of the window at us moments later  
“They’re beautiful thank you” She reaches out and takes them from me putting her nose to them. I got her Sweet Peas, because there isn’t a flower called Little Pea. Shit I fucked this up, I fucked it up already and she’s going to leave me. And now her face isn’t like thunder she’s the most beautiful thing again, I really never have loved anyone the way I love her whether she believes me or not. All the thoughts of just dragging her home are diminished at seeing her standing there, I’m not angry anymore, I’m terrified, please don’t leave me Amelia.   
“I really am sorry, look how about we split everything 50 / 50? We’ll go home now and set up an account for all the bills to come out of and we both put EQUAL amounts in each month?”   
“But it’s not fair that you pay that much when you’re hardly there” She’s put the flowers down behind her on the seat and is standing with her arms crossed defensively against her chest, in a way that’s pushing her tits up and it’s really distracting me away from what’s going on  
“And I see your point I really do, but we need to meet in the middle here, I’ll stop trying to lock you up in my ivory tower and you need to learn that we’re partners in this okay?” Please let that be ok, because I am fresh out of ideas here and I am not talking to Tomo about this because he’ll lecture me too, so can we just go home and fuck it out? I’m standing here on my friend’s porch mentally undressing her so I give myself a good metaphorical slap to the face and try and concentrate on the situation in hand  
“Okay I’m sorry I stomped off”   
“We had our first proper fight that’s all, you wanna freak out?”   
“Do you?”   
“Come here…” I reach out and pull her towards me closing the gap between us wrapping my arms round her holding her close. She fits so perfectly into the space between them and I can’t believe it took me so long to find her, oh Little Pea you should have always been mine  
“I love you Amelia”   
“I love you too why do you sound so sad?” she’s wrapped her arms around my back now, and I’ve just buried my face into her hair on the top of her head she smells like home all Prada perfume, paint and shampoo that smells like strawberry candy  
“I thought you’d gone… for good gone”   
“OH… no… sorry I wouldn’t do that, why would I do that?”   
“I don’t know but just don’t ok?” I pull her chin up so she’s looking at me and kiss her, she tastes salty, she did cry, shit “Have you been crying?”   
“Only a little bit, more out of frustration with myself than anything else”   
I hadn’t heard the front door swing open but V was suddenly next to us “Are you two coming in or going home?”   
She looks at me again all pale blue eyes and ridiculous Disney eyelashes with red hair and lips that would put Jessica Rabbit to shame “Can we go home?” I manage to nod my head still feeling truly guilty that I made her cry “Thanks V”   
“Hey anytime” V momentarily wraps her arms around both of us squeezing slightly “Go home, eat dinner, fuck it out, balls to talking it out… ANYWAY I’ll see you soon ok?” I hear the door open and close this time as she leaves us alone again. Amelia picks up her flowers from the seat and starts down the steps turning back to offer her hand out to me  
“How did you get here?”   
“I took a cab”   
“Oh… this is yours I believe…” I fish her phone out of my pocket, it always gets stuck in there because of the stupid penguin case flippers, and handed it back to her “Here, will you remember it please next time you stomp off?”   
“Sorry” She’s sliding in the passenger seat next to me and all I want to do is rip her clothes off, I can’t help it, it’s like something just fucking ignites when she’s close and it’s not just… I don’t even know, it’s everything, she’s so overwhelming to my senses, the way she looks, the way she smells, the way she tastes, and feels against my fingertips, against my skin, around my dick. Even after all this time. Before her I would get bored after a weekend, sleeping with the same girl more than three times was some kind of miracle. Then there was Amelia, so hurt by those before me she hid herself away for years. She tells me sometimes that I was the key that unlocked her again, set her free and god I’m glad it was me that did. Because Amelia when you’re underneath or on top of me, or I’ve got you pinned up against something and you’re screaming in my ear, pushing your fingers into my flesh… The thought of someone else getting to do that to you makes me feel physically sick “Are you sure you’re ok?” She’s turned to me slightly and I notice she’s got paint on her jeans, it’s probably been there for months, sometimes when I’m away from her I find paint on my things and it makes me homesick for her  
“I’m fine honestly”   
“You’re thinking about fucking me aren’t you?”   
“No…”   
“Liar” She moves so fluidly over the centre console her arms wrapping around my neck pulling my face closer to hers, when she kisses me, I can’t taste her tears anymore, only her. Before I can stop myself I’ve got my hands all over her and I think we might get arrested for indecent exposure if I don’t get a grip on the steering wheel and not her tits underneath her top  
“Let’s go home Amelia”   
“You can try and get there, but I suggest we make a stop on the way home…” She was right of course we didn’t make it home. Driving while she sucks my dick is incredibly difficult, because I have to keep my eyes on the road not my eyes on her. Luckily I know a place, and not somewhere I’d taken ANYONE before, but it was secluded enough to have her climb in my lap while I was still in the driver’s seat, I have no idea how she got her jeans and panties off so quickly, but I do know that fucking it out was the way to make up. There is nothing better than watching her cum, feeling her muscles contract around me as she does, knowing that I do that to her, it’s me that gets her off, me that pushes her to that state. It was her biting at my earlobe that sent me over the edge, and although no one saw us… I hope… it was a clear night and I can better my bottom dollar that someone heard me. I don’t know what it is she does that causes me to make those noises I’ve never been that vocal with anyone before. Yes I will talk dirty and be descriptive as hell but the moans she pulls out of me are more obscene than anything I could say with proper words “OK now we can go home” She started to make a move on climbing back into the passenger but I held her tight to me.   
“I really am sorry…”   
She pushes my hair behind my ears and puts a kiss to the end of my nose, and I love it when she does that it’s so intimate I’ve never let anyone get as close as she does “I know and I am too ok? Now seriously can we go home? It’s January and I’m semi naked outside I want to be warm and in bed, and eat a sandwich…”   
Gymnastics and grace never were Amelia’s strong point and I did my best not to laugh as she half fell off my lap and then slid down her own seat trying to put her jeans back on ending up on her knees in the foot well mumbling that my car is stupid. No more was said about our disagreement, and the air was truly cleared by the time we tumbled into bed, her wrapped in an old shirt of mine and a pair of really tiny shorts, her obsession with wearing the least amount of material covering her ass really is second to none, she should get an award for it. She lies out on her back and I throw myself over her like I always do, just burying my face into the crook of her neck. She always makes this weird noise when she falls asleep kind of like she’s smacking her lips, to me it’s one of the most comforting sounds in my world, because when I hear it I know she’s safe, that she’s next to me. Opening my eyes slightly looking over her, her chest rising and falling in slumber, her eyelids twitching slightly, I put a small kiss to the side of her neck, it doesn’t wake her but she lets her body fall a little closer against mine. I love her. And I know I said we should wait a year but… I am going to need to get a ring, because I am going to propose… SHIT


	3. Chapter 3

There’s so much sex, oh my god there’s so much sex, I thought sex you know dried up, dwindled, twiddled off or whatever other phrases you can think of happened when couples moved in together? Not me and Jared no apparently he’s on some kind of mad mission to fuck me on every square inch of my… I mean our apartment. To the point that I now have to make another pot of pasta because the last one got burnt to the bottom of the saucepan when he tackled me to the floor in front of the stove. I have no idea what I was doing that got him all worked up. I was stood stirring the pasta wearing his shirt because I didn’t want to get dressed yet after a shower and he appeared from the spare room (which is apparently now his office, NOT a closet, despite it being full of clothes where mine have been shoved out of the bedroom and his are overflowing into) and I was tackled, pinned and fucked into the floor while the pasta bubbled over and melted to the bottom of the pan. Which leads to the next problem (not that the sex everywhere is a problem)…   
The entire apartment smells of sex and my parents are coming over for dinner and so is Constance and Shannon. And when I say smells of sex I mean it reeks so I start running around opening windows as quickly as possible and digging around in the cupboard under the sink to try and find the air freshener, while still only wearing his shirt, Jared pulls Beast away from investigating the window sill a little too closely for one so small and turns around to me all sex hair and chest scratches (not from the cat).   
“What are you doing?”   
“Sex everything smells of sex, parents, dinner, Shannon, sex smells” Now move your ass Leto I need to Febreeze the couch “And you’re not helping can you get dressed PLEASE?”   
“Little Pea” He comes and takes the air freshener can away from me and puts Beast into my palm instead “Go get dressed I’ll make sure no one knows we’ve been fucking in here, although what you expect them to think a couple do when they’ve just moved in together that’s NOT fucking constantly is beyond me… take the kitten and go put something on that not just my shirt ok?”   
“The food”   
“I’ll sort it Amelia, now go” There a kiss to the end of my nose, a scratch to Beasts chin and then a hard slap to my butt as I walk away to get dressed.   
The door buzzer is going by the time I’m actually ready and coming out of the bedroom I notice that the apartment no longer smells of sex but really nice food and fresh air instead. Jared is dressed, how did he even do that? I’m living with David Blaine not Jared Leto because it’s just magic, and the last of the packing boxes he dragged in have disappeared, but I get the feeling if I pull open the closet door in the entranceway I might be crushed by an avalanche of falling Jared belongings.   
“Mom, Shannon come in…” as I cross the lounge to greet Shannon and Constance I notice that he’s somehow cleared the table, which is actually a dining table but I never used it as such and had just spent years covered in my books and art gear, and it’s now laid out with cutlery that matches and place mats that I have a vague recollection of buying from IKEA when I first moved in here.  
“Hello Amelia, I didn’t realise you were so domesticated…” Neither did I apparently… I’m hugged by Constance first then Shannon who gives me his usual bone crushing hug, he’s shaved, therefore he’s up to something, definitely up to something… The buzzer goes again and I let my parents in noticing my dad has brought masses of wine with him which thankfully is home brew for people to take home not consumed in one go   
“Hello sweetheart… oh it smells nice in here but why is the window open its January…” I see Shannon out of the corner of my eye laughing at my Mom’s remark before he crosses the room and closes the window himself.   
Dinner is lovely, did I actually cook this? I think it was a team effort… Apparently we make a good team. Jared is sat next to me arm slung around the back of my chair looking incredibly content after we finished eating, my Dad warning him about my slight sleeping walking habit. Which I grew out of when I was twelve Dad, then tells him about the time he found me passed out on the front lawn after my high school prom, oh god why is my Dad SO embarrassing? And besides V was there TOO. My Mom is happily chatting away to Constance and Shannon is up slipping his coat back on, I knew he was up to something…   
“Going already Hanny?” It’s a girl I can smell his aftershave, Shannon sex party time  
“YES Emmy… places to go… people to see… Mom are you sure you’ll be ok getting a cab?”   
“Yes Shannon I’ll be fine”   
“We’ll drop her home Shannon”   
“Thanks Anna, well goodnight guys, thanks for dinner and Jared, Amelia congratulations on finally admitting you’re living together and you know in love… oh hey Beast” I looked to the floor as Shannon left to see a black ball of fluffy heading towards the table.   
“Where’s he going?” I narrowed my eyes at Jared slightly but he wasn’t paying attention to what I was SAYING he was just looking at me biting his lip, oh for fucks sake… parents present Jared PARENTS   
“OW bloody hell Beast” He stops what he’s doing thank god and I watch him look down to see a kitten trying to claw his way up his pant leg, so he picks him up pulls him into his lap which of course isn’t enough because there’s now a kitten on the table happily licking Jared’s plate great a cat that smells of garlic…   
“JARED! You spoil that thing…”   
“It’s not a thing Mom it’s a beast” Jared is happily stroking the kitten who’s finished licking the plate and is now clawing at the table cloth purring loudly   
“He’s met a girl on the internet”   
“Huh?” I look away from the cat at the sound of Constance’s voice   
“Shannon, he’s met a girl on the internet, they’ve been talking for ages apparently, she’s just moved out here from… I forget he did tell me…”   
“Did you know about this?” Jared you’re apparently rubbish at gossip and didn’t tell me, this is big news that clearly I need to talk to V about it, and if she knew then I really do have sex brain because someone’s told me and I haven’t paid proper attention. I blame you Leto and your weird bearded face between my thighs   
“No…” I purse my lips at him slightly, I discovered this is the way to get him to tell me things by giving him my serious face “I really didn’t… okay maybe a little bit but all I know is she lived in Chicago and has moved out here for work and that’s it… I swear”   
“Well good for him, he’s a handsome boy” Oh my god Dad he’s in his forties don’t think he counts as a boy anymore “ANYWAY ladies shall we make a move, let these two enjoy living together for one more day before me laddo here goes away on tour?” Don’t remind me Dad, god it’s going to be awful, but I will have Beast for company this time who now I look, is curled up actually on Jared’s dinner plate, at least it was licked clean and I won’t have to bath pasta sauce off a kitten.   
“I’ll walk down with you guys, I need to get something from the car…” He’s pulling this really weird face, and I’m not sure I like it, but he kisses me happily on the lips before he puts his shoes on and I stand up to hug the assorted parents goodbye, he’s last out of the door turning back to me with a wink “I’ll be right back Little Pea ok?”   
He was gone so long that I started to clear up and I hate clearing up, I left Beast’s plate until last because he’s so cute all curled up on it like that. It’s still kind of early maybe we could watch a movie? What do people do when they live together? Apart from all the sex of course… I see there’s been a space cleared against the wall where my drawing board was but it doesn’t matter I never used the dam thing anyway and instead Jared’s piano is going to go there, he’s already promised to play me Alibi, while wearing not many clothes. I love him he drives me crazy, where the fuck is he? Has he got his phone? No it’s charging on the arm of the couch. I was just thinking about sticking my head out of the window to see if I could see him in the street below when he strolls back in with a box under his arm and the dirtiest grin on his face.   
“I was started to think you’d got lost”   
“Oh sorry I wanted to talk to your Dad about something…”   
“Like what?” I hate being nosey in his business but has Jared suddenly developed an interest in the Norse gods, I think not, even though he may well be the god of mischief sometimes, Jared Loki…  
“Erm…” I’ve caught him off guard here, something’s going on, that he’s not going to tell me and I can hear his brain thinking about what to say next “I wanted to ask him about some stuff I’ve been working on, thinking about the next album… ANYWAY I got you something… HEY you cleared up, well miracles will never cease” Oh you’re so fucking funny Jared and nice changing of the subject there “Shall we go to bed?”   
“It’s only 10pm”   
“I’m aware of the time Amelia we can stay out here if you like, but you might want to be on more comfortable surface”   
“What’s in the box?”   
“Ahhh well that’ll be the reason you’ll want to be on a more comfortable surface…” Why do I get the feeling something really fucking dirty is about to happen? Like beyond anything we’ve done before dirty? When he turned up with his paddle that he spanked me with that wasn’t hidden in a box he just let himself in with it in his hand and bent me over the couch because I’d been naughty (apparently). I let him take my hand and pull me towards the bedroom   
“Do I need to be naked for this?”   
“Yes”   
“Are you going to take my clothes off?” He’s pulled himself on to the bed and is sitting comfortably with the box in his lap   
“How about YOU take your clothes off and I’ll watch” I hate when he makes me do this I feel so silly and I am no way stripper graceful, and whenever I start to think about being sultry I just giggle and some crazy old time musical number starts playing in my head “I don’t have all night Amelia” I think you do Jared seeing as you live here now, so that’s not gonna work anymore… after this time… because I really want to see what’s in the box and why I have to be naked. I pull my top over my head first, and throw it behind me, pushing my jeans down over my hips leaving me in just my underwear “Can I just say I’ll NEVER get bored of your fine taste in under garments, I think they could win an award, but take them off… now” I shed my last layer and stay stood at the foot of the bed unsure at the what on earth is going to happen or what I’m supposed to do now, he’s just sat looking at me biting his lower lip and shuffling slightly with his crotch underneath the box, Jared stop touching yourself, it’s fucking… I don’t know what it is but it’s really… hot “Come and lay down next to me”   
“Should I put my arms over my head? Are you going to blindfold me?”  
“I’ll spank your ass raw if you don’t stop being so cheeky and come and lay on the bed” Oh god, it’s that Jared tonight, oh fuck, I don’t know if my sexual organs can take it I feel like I’m going to cum even though he’s not even touched me yet and god help me over whatever really is in that box. I do as I’m asked and lay on the bed next to him on my back, I hope he takes his clothes off soon, please take your clothes off Jared “Much better” He leans over me, still smirking, still with the box in his lap and puts his lips to mine in a small kiss, which turns into a bigger kiss and before I can make a grab for it the box is at the side of him while I help him out of his clothes and he’s sliding his hand up the inside of my thigh with his lips at my breast. I get ready to be yanked around by my hair when he pulls away from me and reaches for the box, oh god, oh god, what is it? Cuffs? A sex swing? Nipple clamps? I don’t think I’d be down with that to be honest it’s bad enough when he bites them and then they rub against the lace of my bra the next day and I could cry NOT that I don’t like it at the time “Right this was… I mean is one of your Christmas presents but it didn’t arrive in time so… erm… happy moving in together I guess?”   
We’re lying side by side and he puts the box on my tummy “So I can open it?”   
“Yes Amelia you can open it… I was just going to blindfold you so you didn’t know what was coming but I think this is better” I have no fucking idea what you are up to right now Jared, but you’re so fucking dirty it’s just not even funny, I lift the lift off the box and am greeted by the sight of a very realistic looking dildo, which… Jared I told you I don’t like these things “Right now I know you said these things weren’t for you BUT, look at it doesn’t it look familiar?” I looked back into the box, noting the size and shape, the veins, oh holy fuck Jared WHAT did you do? What did you do?   
“Did you buy me YOUR dick?” OH SO many questions right now “HOW did you buy me your dick?”   
“Well you see you get this kit thing and make a mould and send it away and this is what comes back, impressive huh?” Basically Jared what you’re telling me is you sat in your room with weird jelly stuff over your cock in the name of… I don’t know but god it’s hot “So see when I’m not here and you’re feeling frustrated you can take care of yourself with that, but you know I need photos…” He pulls the dildo out and knocks the empty box away from me and on to the floor “There better be photos Amelia…” Oh god we’re chest to chest again and his dick (real and plastic) is digging into me “I thought though the first time you use it I should be here to… help out” his lips are millimetres from my own so I arch myself towards him desperate for him to start touching me, and use my new toy on me, there’s two Jared Leto’s dicks in the world and they are both mine, I must have won some kind of dick god lottery. I push my lips up to finally touch his and he pins me to the bed, throwing his full weight on top of me biting down my body heading for my core, moments later I feel his tongue lapping on me, his teeth pulling at me gently, oh fuck and he’s just chuckling lightly against me, head bobbing between my thighs, I can feel my muscles pulling tighter and he just laughs and sits up away from me picking up the toy “It vibrates too…” He looks up at me smiling wickedly and turns it on before using his right hand to hold it and his left hand to pin me down across my waist. He puts the toy to me, first to my clit I feel it vibrating against me so sweetly before he slides it down towards my entrance and inside me, oh fuck it’s a good job he’s holding me down because my hips push upwards immediately “Do you like that Amelia?”   
“Yes” it comes out as more of a whimper than anything else and he starts to thrust it in and out of me slowly, it’s breaking me apart, this is going to be one of those nights where I cum repeatedly so hard that I can’t stop shaking for hours after isn’t it?   
“I’d like to watch you take control of this” he pulls my hand to his holding the toy and guides my fingers into taking a firm grip on it, it doesn’t feel anywhere near as nice as his actual dick in my hand but it does bare a lot of the same qualities as the real thing… He’s pulled himself so he’s sat up between my legs just watching me, his hand around his own dick, palming his balls, and the sight of it just makes me take firmer grip on the toy in my hand and push it deeper into myself, I can feel the vibrations coming from inside me spreading outwards and upwards towards my clit. Oh Jesus fucking Christ…   
“Stop touching yourself Jared” Because seriously I don’t know whether I should watch or cum or somehow get your actual dick in to my mouth   
“No… and don’t you STOP touching yourself either…” I use my hand not holding on to my toy and put two fingers to my clit and just let them slide from how wet I am “That’s it Amelia JUST like that” Looking down at him again and he’s using his hand so forcefully against himself this is way hotter than I thought using dildos could be, and it really does feel like him inside me “Amelia… you’re going make yourself cum so I can watch” You filthy fuck, you’re so fucking dirty, oh Christ I am going to cum, I let out a string of expletives and holler his name in the air as I see stars and all those fucking fireworks start exploding out of me, he’s still got his hand around his dick, his tongue slightly out of his mouth running along his bottom lip “Good girl… so filthy” I take my hand away from my clit and try to make a grab for him because I really need to touch him, he lets go of himself and puts his hand to mine holding the toy inside me “I don’t think I’ve ever needed to fuck you quite as much as I do right now, god you look so good fucking yourself like that…” he pulls my hand away and the toy out of me and I notice my legs are quaking, he does his quicker than lightening forceful movement and pulls me so I’m face down on the bed “Get on your knees Amelia… NOW” I can still hear the toy buzzing away but I do as I’m told and pull myself up on to all fours making sure my legs are apart wide enough for him to kneel between them. I feel the toy sliding up the inside of my thigh first, just buzzing oh so close to parts of me that are really sensitive right now, he slides it back in me and in this position it hits me so fucking deep and the vibrations are driving me crazy, I am just a ball of loud moans and trembling “Best thing I ever fucking bought you…” He ploughs it back into me and I hate not being able to see his face when I’m like this because the looks of want and concentration are amazing and always the first thing I think of when I have to take myself in hand when he’s away. The toy is taken out of me and slid up the bed into my left hand as I feel him enter me. Oh god that’s it, fuck… “Put it against your clit while I fuck you… I know you like it… those moans were outstanding” he’s put his hands to my hips and is just fucking slamming into me mercilessly, I lift my left hand away from the bed and put the toy against my clit and he lets out this moan, that it just pure porn, this thing is going to send me from that’s a bit sensitive to I don’t fucking care, because oh shit I think I’m going to cum again and he knows it because his pace is picking up and his grip is strengthening “I can feel you tightening around me, I know your close Amelia but don’t cum until I say do I make myself clear?”   
What? I don’t think I can stop it… “Yes”   
“Good, god you feel so fucking good… AMELIA! I said don’t cum… don’t make me stop”   
“Jesus fucking Christ Jared I don’t think I can stop it” I am a ball of not being allowed to cum frustration and all he’s doing is laughing at me, right that’s it Jared… I pull the toy away from my clit and desperately trying not to lose my balance I move it towards him   
“Don’t…” as soon as the thing gets near his inner thighs he’s moaning so loud I drop it. SHIT. I put my fingers back to where I took the toy away from “Cum for me Amelia… I’m so fucking close…” oh god Jared I am too, I feel his dick start to twitch inside me, his legs tense, his fingers bruising against my hips and finally as his balls start to pull tight against my ass. I cum again and lose control of my arms and flop forwards pushing my butt higher in the air and I’m still cumming as Jared’s cock just pushes against my g-spot from the change of angle of his thrust and I have no idea what happens because I am no longer on the bed I am floating above it… There’s a slapping sound and it registers that it’s come from him smacking me hard across the ass “FUCK I love you…” Huh? He’s pulled himself out of me and is laid next to me now while I’m still on my knees ass in the air face in the pillow “Amelia? Are you coming out of that anytime soon?” I don’t think I can move right now, he’s finally done it he’s broken me with sex, really awesome gravity defying, vibrating dick moulding sex.  
I can’t get my legs to move, brain… not connected with body “Yeah hang on” I don’t know if he heard that because I mumbled it around a mouth full of feathers. Right Amelia come on engage knees, I know they’re shaking I can feel it in the mattress beneath them…. Somehow I manage to slide them backward and flop very ungracefully on to my stomach and only then do I realise the fucking dildo is buzzing around still somewhere. Turning my head towards Jared he’s got it in his hand and clicks it off, putting it on the night stand on his side of the bed. His side of the bed. Jared Leto has a side of the bed in my bed. This is fucking wild. He reaches over and moves the hair back that’s plastered to my face  
“That’s better, couldn’t see you there, you ok? Little Pea…”   
“I like my toy Jared thank you” I don’t know how I’m making words come from my mouth right now, I feel like I’ve just been struck by lightning really orgasmic there are going to be marks all over my body tomorrow lightning.   
“You’re welcome, I’m sorry it didn’t arrive in time for Christmas, but it was more than worth the wait” He pulls himself closer to me and lands a kiss to the end of my nose before throwing himself over me all limbs as usual “I’ll miss you, you know that right?”   
How do you do this? One minute you’re making me cum hard enough to see through time itself and the next minute you’re all soppy, I feel a bit soppy myself if I’m honest, seeing as he goes tomorrow “I’ll miss you too”   
“And you’re going to come see me aren’t you?”   
“Of course” I’ve agreed to fly out in a month to see him, let him throw me around a hotel room and then maybe see some sights before I have to come home, I’m not taking any work with me this time though because last time I actually wrote the sentence ‘Don’t look at me like that Jared’ in the middle of a paragraph about Frieda Kahlo   
“Good and in the meantime photos of you with Satan ok?”   
“SATAN?” are you serious Jared, oh god you are, he’s leaning away from me and puling the dam thing off the nightstand again turning the base towards me where I see ‘Satan’ embossed in silver lettering on the bottom of it, oh my god… I have no words right now, is this funny or ironic? He’s put it on the nightstand again and turned back to me   
“WELL what else was I supposed to call it?” 

The first week of him being away is a disaster, the night after he goes I wake up at 2am desperate to pee and realise I’ve got fucking cystitis so he gets a list of expletives text to him as I sit on the toilet crying until V comes with some of those sachet things and says it’s my own fault for having so much sex before he went away (I’m glad she’s still here and that she’s awake, such is life with men on the road, because who else would I have called? My Mom?)ANYWAY it’s not my fault Veronica Reed have you seen him, with his lion face, and long legs and ridiculous chest and HUGE dick and great now I’m slightly turned on and in loads of pain so I cry some more until the sachets kick in and I don’t feel like I’m pissing razor blades anymore. But I still feel really poorly for another week and every time I pee I’m convinced it’s coming back. He’s actually pretty apologetic about the whole thing, saying he should be more gentle with me, please don’t Jared but perhaps actually losing count of the amount of times we had sex in a 24 hour period was a little excessive, let’s take this quality over quantity. Or NOT because I know as soon as I get to see him, it’ll just happen again, and decide it’s worth the pain, for reasons… But I do make a mental note to educate him about cystitis because when I tell him he’s never heard of it and freaks out thinking he’s going to get it too. No Jared you’re lucky it doesn’t work like that.   
Beast is rubbish at keeping me company and half the time I don’t even know where he is, but such is cat. A lot of the time I think he sleeps in a box that’s god some of Jared’s old clothes in the closet because there’s a lot of fur in there and I can hear him scratching around in it at stupid ass o’clock. There are many emotional phone calls, texts and face times that come from both of us not just me, because it would seem with both gone a bit soppy over each other, it really isn’t just about the sex. I hate being apart from him and I hate myself even more for hating it at all. I was… I am independent, I survived before Jared Leto I should survive while he’s away, but there’s just this huge gaping hole and more than once I find myself sitting on his piano bench with my head rested against the closed lid because if there’s anything in the… our apartment that’s most like his heart it’s that thing. I don’t tell him this though, I am an aura of mysterious emotions because I know he hates it when I cry in front of him, or if he gets any hint that he might have made me cry he goes all guilty and buys me flowers to say sorry. Like our first proper fight when he turned up with those Sweet Peas that were so beautiful and thought I’d left him for good. I don’t think he realises and I deny it to myself too much that I don’t think I could ever leave him, unless he went sticking it something that wasn’t me then I’d kick his ass to the curb before weeping constantly for the rest of my life.   
I’m supposed to be getting on a plane and I’ve actually packed clothes this time. I’ve been told I have to because it’s Scandinavia and it’s cold, even if we do just stay in a room and have copious amounts of sex. I hope there’s snow because snow makes me happy. My Dad is beside himself with happiness and keeps trying to give me lists of things to go and do when I’m there, but I can’t exactly tell him that I only really want to see the inside of my… Jared’s boxers and my mom is acting really weirdly, keeps going all misty eyed in the days leading up to me going, saying I’ll come back a changed woman MOM I’m going to Scandinavia NOT outer space, my sexual organs may be about to experience something out of this world however… I’m literally on my way out of the door to the airport when he calls me.   
“Little Pea!”   
“Hello you…” He sounds excited, Jared Leto sounds excited to talk to me, or it might be because he’s just giddy about tonight’s show I’m staying with thinking it’s me  
“I need to ask you a favour”   
“Okay…” He’s up to something, because he’s Jared Leto he doesn’t need ME to do stuff for him   
“Can you go pick me something up from Terry on your way to the airport? He’s got a hard drive with some photos on that I want, he’s knows you’re coming” erm I haven’t said I’ll go yet Jared “So yeah… is Beast ok?” Beast has been at my parents since yesterday when my Mom actually cried, full on cried when she said goodbye to me, god I have no idea what is wrong with her right now. V’s been the same, and Constance, maybe everyone’s hormones are synchronising or some shit, oh god maybe V’s pregnant, I’m surrounded by menopausal, hormonal women, I think even I might duck and hide if that’s the case  
“Beast is fine at my parents, slept in my old room last night on my pillow”   
“Underneath my Jordan Catalano poster… ANYWAY I will see you tonight, I missed you”   
My heart does it’s flippy floppy thing anytime he says that and I have to remind myself that I’m not having heart palpitations just missing the lion man “I missed you too, look I’m going to have to go if you need me to do this, I’ll call you when I land ok?”   
“Did you pack your black and red bra and panties?”   
“Jared I’m WEARING my black and red bra and panties…”   
“Good girl, I’ll speak to you soon, love you Little Pea…” before he hangs up I’m sure he actually makes kissy sounds down the phone to me, god I’ll be glad to get there so the sap can dry up and the fucking can start, because kissy sounds Jared… bit much…  
I leave my cab waiting while I run up to Terry’s studio making sure to actually knock on the door I’m not Jared I don’t just waltz in places all look at me I’m Jared Leto. I hear him call me in, as opposed to answering the door which means I’m about to be greeted by some Hollywood something or other that he’s busy photographing.   
“Hey”   
“Oh hey Amelia, how’s it going?” It’s only then I notice that standing against the wall is Lady fucking Gaga, clearly I missed the entourage outside there must have been one? I’ve never seen her close up before she’s so fucking beautiful, and I’m probably about to say something really dumb “Steph this is Amelia she’s…”   
“Amelia Henry, turner prize winner, Jared Leto’s girlfriend although that doesn’t define you does it?” I manage to shake my head and not say something really dumb “Come and have your photo taken with me I’d be honoured honestly I love your paintings… please your hat is so cute…” I’ve already got my spirit hood on ready for Scandinavian cold, and the hours of airplane cold on the way “Please”   
Can and do people actually say NO to Lady Gaga? When I get over against the wall without tripping over my own feet and not freaking out too bad that Lady Gaga knows who I am she’s taller than me but she’s makes it look just so little and cute, why can’t I do that? She embraces me warmly “It’s really nice to meet you… would you like to wear my hat?” That was good Amelia, you are getting better at meeting cultural icons these days here have an award.  
“I’d LOVE to… thanks” She pulls my hat off and puts it on her head and of course she looks better in it than I do because again she’s Lady Gaga   
“Here Amelia I think this is Jared’s you can wear it if you want” I’m handed Jared’s ridiculous Native American headdress that’s way too big for my head but somehow doesn’t slip over my face “Ok ladies face this way…” It’s only after I’m half blind from flashes I realise that I left my cab outside and I’m supposed to get something for Jared not arse around with Lady freaking Gaga   
“Shit… sorry I’ve got to go my cab is waiting outside” We swap head gear so my spirit hood is back on my head and I’m sure she looks better in the headdress than I do, but then she is Lady Gaga “Terry, Jared said I’m supposed to collect something?”   
“Oh yeah…” I cross back away from the wall and he’s handing me a small box with hazard tape along the edges sealing it shut, great, I’m putting this is my CASE not my carry on because I’ll probably get arrested because it looks really dodgy “Have a safe trip, and congratulations”   
“Huh?”   
“On moving in together I mean…”   
“Oh right yeah… thanks… well bye… goodbye Miss erm… Lady erm…”   
“You can call me Steph” she’s lets out the cutest giggle I’ve ever heard and I start to question my sexual orientation so I give myself an inward head shake an remember that I like dick, one specific dick  
“Oh ok well goodbye Steph”   
“Goodbye Amelia have a nice holiday” she gives me a little wave and I realise that I have been in the presence of an actual GOD. V is going to flip her (perhaps pregnant) shit  
I’m boarding the plane when I get a photo message from Jared containing a picture of me with Lady Gaga all spirit hood and headdress facing one another looking like we’re screaming at each other. It looks so fucking good I can’t actually believe it’s me and it would seem Jared is impressed too as the accompanying text just says ‘literally ARTPOP’ I type out a quick reply before I’m asked to turn my phone off for take-off. I’m flying economy and paying for it myself much to Jared’s annoyance but he knows to not push me on that. After take-off I turn my phone back on and find no reply from Jared but oh so many texts from V demanding that I describe Lady Gaga to her in miniscule detail which takes up pretty much all of the flight. It’s not until I’m told to buckle in for landing that I realise I haven’t actually any clue what I’m supposed to do or where I’m supposed to go when I get off the plane. Is Jared meeting me? Am I getting a cab to the hotel? I can’t speak Norwegian… Clearly my excitement at getting some dick after a month of abstinence was more of an important thought than the minor details of how I get to said dick to begin with. SHIT. It has gone midnight in Norway when I get off the plane, collect my case and start to seriously formulate a plan. Pushing my way out into the main part of the airport dragging my case behind me and it really is fucking cold, oh so fucking cold… and there he is waiting for me wrapped up in his black wool pea coat with his hoodie on underneath pulled up around his head his face half hidden. I know it’s him because he’s the only person wearing dark sunglasses at night in a Norwegian airport. I smile at him and I am in no way feeling tears welling up anywhere I should have worn sunglasses too SHIT. From the corner of my eye I see a gaggle of teenage girls watching only to be stopped from approaching him by an older looking woman as I walk towards him. Is this going to go all me being picked up and span round right now? At least I’m walking and not running towards him like an idiot that runs after her boyfriend’s tour bus when they leave from outside the apartment, that wasn’t me I don’t know what you’re talking about or might have seen on Tumblr I deny everything.   
He must have started coming towards me too because sooner than I expected there’s arms around me and my feet do leave the floor momentarily “Amelia…”   
“Jared” He really shouldn’t be one for public displays of affection because this will be all over Instagram within the next five minutes, but he puts his finger under my chin and tilts my head up towards him bends down and puts his lips to mine. I have a moment of being not able to control myself and throw my arms round his neck which I thought would take him by surprise but his hands are around my back and my feet leave the floor again our lips still attached, my spirit hood falls off which is what breaks us apart. He’s being all gentlemanly, picking it up and putting it back on my head taking my case from my hand and replacing it with his own finally leading me out of the airport and into a cab where everything changes from sap to porn. His hands are pushing into my coat, pulling up the inside of my thigh, his tongue in my mouth. OH fuck, Jared I need you to fuck me now, how far is it to the hotel? Shit we better not be on that fucking bus where we can’t have sex because if so I am making everyone else stand outside in the cold while I suck your dick, fuck you and then get you to cum on my face “Where are we going?” He’s got face partially hidden under my spirit hood biting my neck, his fingers working me through my jeans, while I concentrate really hard on not cumming in the back of a cab before either of us has removed any clothing at all.   
“Hotel…” Oh thank god “…I was going to wait to fuck you but now you’re here all squirming against me… I can’t… I need you naked, underneath me, cumming, scratching me, biting me, screaming my name ok?” I managed a head nod as the cab pulls to a stop outside what looks like the back entrance to a hotel “I don’t want to be stopped on the way in by people” Well that explains everything, he pays for the cab and says thank you in Norwegian, have you been talking to my Dad again Jared? I don’t get to think on that too much because I’m quite unceremoniously dragged through the back door and up to the floor they’re all staying on via the service elevator which is empty meaning I’m roughly shoved against the back wall and groped… hard… his hands are freezing when they connect with my breasts just pulling my bra out of the way so it’s digging into my back and arm pits but it’s oh so worth it. The corridor to his room is totally devoid of any sign of life and he’s still being the perfect gentleman over assisting me with my luggage, or maybe it’s just because he can move quicker than me while carrying heavy objects, yes Jared your arms are huge I can see that from here. The door hasn’t even closed and he’s ripping me out of my clothes and pushing me down to the floor ignoring that I had worn his favourite underwear or that I smell like planes and travelling and quite possibly Lady Gaga’s perfume. I manage to wrestle him out of his own clothes without too much difficulty, when he’s down to just his boxers and jeans I’m held down and his head moves to between my thighs. My legs fall open and his hands are at my hip bones holding me to the floor. Why can we never make it to the bed Jared? At least I’m actually naked… “You taste so good” my back arches away from the floor and his tongue against me is heavenly.   
“Oh god I missed you…” I let my hands rest on top of his head just for a moment   
“Yeah?” He sits up and pulls down his boxers and jeans to his knees before moving back towards me hooking my legs round his waist, he’s going far too slow for my liking right now because I can feel him sliding against me and I need him IN me “I missed you too, especially this…” he pushes himself finally inside me with force, the sound that I make is probably loud enough to be heard back in Los Angeles “You feel so good Amelia” he’s using his arms to hold himself away from me and just use the force of his hips to pound me into the floor, I begin to bring my hips up to meet his, just let myself grind against him, squeeze my thighs around his waist and those moans start, oh god those moans, he does them down the phone to me when I’ve got Satan in my hand and he’s got his dick in his thousands of miles apart. Phone sex for a month has just become foreplay for this, him on top of me still with his fucking jeans round his ankles. Why can I never hold out when he does this to me? I can feel myself starting to heat up, my heart jumping, my breath coming in short spurts, he lets his arms down and his full weight is on top me, his lips at mine his hands entwined with mine holding them to the floor at my sides   
“Oh god Jared…”   
“That’s it Amelia…” his hips were meeting mine, he was so deep inside me and I couldn’t stop it anymore I was cumming, hard, fast and really loudly, and the fact he’s just sinking his teeth into my neck is not helping, I don’t think I’m going to stop cumming “You’re so… good… oh fuck….” He lets out a sound that’s a combination of a grunt a moan and my name before he slumps down on top of me nuzzling himself into the crook of my neck “I missed you” We lay on the floor for ages catching our breath, now laid side by side, talking about home and my Mom’s constant crying which spurs him for some reason into a blur of movement and I’m pulled up from the floor and sat down on the end of the bed, still naked, he’s kicked off his jeans and boxers now leaving him in an equal state of undress “Where’s the box?”   
“What box?”   
“The box Terry gave you”   
“Oh it’s in my case” Why are we talking about a hard drive now? Is there something dirty on it? Are we going to watch porn? OH GOD did Terry have porn involving us?   
“Can I get it?”   
“Of course” he puts a kiss to my lips before pulling open my case on the floor by my feet, it’s right on top of all my clothes not buried I didn’t have time when I threw it in there before I checked my case in   
“You haven’t looked in it?”   
“No why would I look in it? I know what a hard drive looks like” Is it not actually a hard drive is it? Oh god another sex toy? Handcuffs? Bondage tape? Vibrating Cock Ring? And AGAIN Amelia WHY would Terry have any of those things   
“Good…” He pulls it open breaking the hazard tape and produces another smaller box from inside. A small blue leather box, that’s not a sex toy and it’s a really fancy box to put a hard drive in, what’s on the hard drive that means it need to go in a box like that, that looks like a… it looks like a… it is a… oh shit, it’s a fucking ring box, oh shit, oh god, this is it isn’t it?   
“Is that what I think it is?”   
“What do you think it is?”   
“It’s a ring box”   
“That it is true, it is a ring box” Why did Terry have it? If it is what I thought it was… “Now I was going to… I don’t know fancify this slightly but I’m just going to do it now before I freak out and think on it too long and fuck it up entirely” He manages to lean down and kiss me before my hands come up and meet the sides of my face in shock and he gets down on one knee in front of me. I’m still naked, we’re BOTH still naked, I’m in Norway oh crap should this be happening now? WHY is this happening now? “Amelia…”   
“Jared…”   
“Amelia… Amelia Henry I love you will you marry me?” My hands move to cover my mouth as he opens the box and there is a silver ring with a giant sapphire in the middle of it surrounded by diamonds that looks so familiar, maybe it’s a copy of something and my brain is too stupefied to realise what, shit, oh my god, oh fuck, erm erm erm…   
“Yes” My heart fucking betrayed me there because there should be so many questions coming out as opposed to the word yes and I think I just agreed to marry Jared Leto… he stands up takes my hands away from my face and slips the ring on to my finger, kisses me sweetly and sits down on the end of the bed next to me taking my non ringed hand into his own and nuzzling his face into the side of my neck which when he does could make me forget a war had started never mind a proposal, a PROPOSAL… shit, I’m just sat fucking staring at the ring on my finger that he just put there, what the fuck just happened? What is happening right now?   
“Shall we freak out now?”   
“Yes” apparently I can only say one word right now   
“Right ok I’ll go first…” you ALWAYS go first Jared… and then I forget what I want to say because I get lost in those blue eyes only tonight I’m lost in my own reflection coming from the fucking rock on my finger “I know I said not yet, but when we had that fight when I was moving in I genuinely thought you’d gone for good and I felt like I was falling apart and it was awful, I realised then it was going to have to happen sooner rather than later, because I knew that I couldn’t live without you anymore, not then not ever… you didn’t have any idea it was coming?”   
“No why would I? Is this some kind of territory marking thing because you’re going to be away so much this year you needed to put a ring on it just in case?”   
“Yes and no, I want people to know you’re mine I always want people to know you’re mine, but I don’t want you to start freaking out about me trying to take away your independence ok?”   
“You asked me to marry you” Oh good my brain is kicking back into some kind of sense… I’m getting married to Jared Leto… nope gone again, what was I going to say? Are we still naked? Should we be in nightwear at least “And AGAIN we’re freaking out in the middle of the night”   
“Sorry about that”   
“It’s my Nana’s isn’t it?” That’s why it looks so familiar it’s a family heirloom, which means if he has this then my parents knew… that’s why my mom kept fucking crying saying I’d come back a changed woman, but why did Terry have it? I look to him as he nods “Right ok SO many questions, my parents knew?”   
“Well I had to ask for your Dad’s permission, and when I did he told me about the ring”   
“Ok, why did Terry have it?”   
“Oh because your Mom had put it in a safe deposit box and there wasn’t time between me asking your dad, finding out about the ring and leaving for tour to collect it, and I trust Terry so your Dad dropped it off there for me yesterday, so you basically collected and brought your own engagement ring, I really had no other option but to propose… God I can’t believe I actually did it” This explains why Terry congratulated me earlier and why Jared vanished for nearly an hour to collect something from his car when my parents left which means his Mom knew this explains her crying… Everything makes so much more sense now. It also means he was stood talking to my parents, asking my Dad’s permission to marry me while quite possibly clutching the box with Satan in it, do I want to know? Probably not…   
“Yeah you fucking did” I laugh slightly at how ridiculous we get about things like this, but Jared I am putting my foot down over babies right fucking now   
“We’re getting married” He sounds not like he’s freaking out or in disbelief anymore but really excited instead “Come on” What are we doing right now? I might need a big sit down here Jared, what are you doing? He’s stood up and is yanking just his jeans and t-shirt back on “Put some clothes on” I do as I’m told and slip back into my own jeans and one of his sweaters that was nearer than my own and let him pull me out of the room, oh god what’s he up to now? He’s pulling me up and down the corridor banging on all the doors until people start opening them sticking their sleep rumpled heads out wondering what all the commotion is about, when all the doors are open he stops with me in the middle of the corridor “Ladies and Gentlemen sorry to wake you but erm… WE’RE GETTING MARRIED” he holds my now ringed hand in the air for everyone to see and I realise we both stood barefoot, looking completely sex rumpled, smiling like idiots in the middle of a Norwegian hotel corridor  
“Is that all? I thought something was on fire… I’m fucking kidding… this is BRILLIANT” Shannon steps out of his room and wraps his arms around both of us, then Tomo, Shayla and Emma, and a few others including Jamie which makes me sad V’s not here too. Everyone bar Shannon heads back into their rooms after hugging us and congratulating us and no one complaining we smell of sex and are covered in hickeys, Jared’s got a beautiful one coming up right next to his Adam’s apple… “Well this needs documenting, or are you both still freaking out?”   
“Nope we are done with the freak out, Little Pea?”   
“Freak out over” until I have to look at dresses and venues and oh god… nope Amelia enjoy the moment think about everything else tomorrow after more celebratory fucking  
“Right then…” Shannon holds his phone towards us me wrapped in Jared’s sweater which I LOVE his arm around me, other hand holding my ring hand up to the camera as the flash goes off “I’m sending it to your cells now, and Mom ok? Congratulations again, night guys”   
Jared pulls his phone out of his jeans pocket while we’re still in the corridor Shannon’s door closing behind him “Can I put this on Instagram?”   
“Of course but are you sure you want to?”   
“More than sure… I love you”   
“I love you too” he hits send showing me the photo as it appears on his profile, I look utterly ridiculous of course but I can see a glow coming from myself that seems to hide my jet lagged, sex crumpled state, while he looks like Jared Leto all lions mane and big blue eyes. The caption simply reads ‘Hey look is that an engagement ring?’ #yesitis. His phone is slipped back into his pocket and he looks down on me, fuck I’m marrying Jared Leto how did this… my train of thought is interrupted because there’s lips on mine and hands under my butt as he lifts me up, my legs knotting around his waist, arms hooking around his neck and he carries me back to bed. 

When I wake up gone lunchtime, with a fucking rock on my finger and I know it’s there before I even open my eyes because I’ve managed to sleep on my hand and I’ve got precious stones digging into the side of my face, which OW, there’s no sign of Jared, the lion man, my fiancé… my fiancé… SHIT… I should call people. Where is Jared? Should I freak out? Over you know impending marriage, I wonder if we can just go to Vegas and have done with it, I don’t know if either of us are ones for wanting a big wedding. Are we actually getting married or just staying engaged, if we are getting married when are we doing it? God so many questions now I have gotten over my need for him to throw me around the hotel room, until later… today  
There’s a note on the pillow next to me from the man I’m going to marry… HA the man I’m going to MARRY what a fucking crack… saying he didn’t want to disturb me, he was in the conference room at the end of the corridor doing interviews, and that I should go see him when I’m ready, but to ring my Mom before I do anything and probably V too. Who do I call first? Who’s going to cry most? I’m not going to cry… am I? I hope not, I think my emotions are in check this morning.   
After being so scared about being places where all Jared’s things are and he wasn’t, fearing it would be like some kind of weird limbo this is one of the occasions I actually love it, all his things are here, the things I love the most, his stupid sweaters and shirts that he’s had for years and I feel the urge to just spread them out all over the bed and cover myself in them… Right Amelia head in the game here, stop mentally dressing yourself in Jared Leto’s clothes and you know do something constructive… Perhaps I shouldn’t be naked when I talk to people, I need a shower so badly I smell like sex, planes, sex, travelling and more sex… I’ll ring V first she won’t give a fuck if I call her naked   
“I’m getting married to JARED LETO” that’s the first time I’ve said it out loud. Married, me… to JARED LETO, is this some kind of dream? Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy?   
“I know”   
“DAMMIT”   
“Don’t let Jared put it on Instagram then, spoils the surprise and I knew anyway Jamie told me he was going to propose, because Constance told Emma and Emma told him have you spoken to your Mom yet?”   
“No she knew because he asked my Dad so…”   
“Tell me then… were you romanced, wined and dined, and taken somewhere nice?”   
Not exactly and does hard fucking count as romance? “Erm…”   
“Oh god you were naked weren’t you?”   
At least Jared didn’t still have his jeans and boxers round his ankles by the time he asked “Erm…”   
“Are you naked NOW?”   
I’m wearing a sheet like a toga with my toes which are a little cold buried in Jared’s bobble hat because it was at the end of the bed “Erm…”   
“Oh for god’s sake Amelia”   
“Sorry Veronica… Are you pregnant?” I take a deep inhale and wait for the answer, because I think that would freak me out, babies in generally freak me out, never mind my best friend having one  
“NO what would make you think that?”   
“You kept crying before I left” and it’s common knowledge that pregnant women are hormonal and I can’t think of any other reasoning right now   
“Erm because my BEST friend was about to get engaged to JARED LETO and had NO idea, I was torn between crying and laughing so I went with crying… how bad was the freak out after?”   
“It wasn’t too bad but why is it always the middle of the night when we do it?”   
“Because you and Jared never ran on normal people schedules and now you run on weird people schedules together although it might help if you started having sex in the middle of the afternoon then you know you might be done by actual normal people bedtime… OH I erm… put some of those sachets in your make up bag by the way, you know just…”   
“Thanks” OH GOD please don’t let me get it while I’m away, I shudder at thought of being a on bus and having cystitis, it’s bad enough NOT being on a moving vehicle with loads of other people while pissing razor blades and crying   
“Call your Mom then we’ll start thinking about things when you get back home”   
“What kind of things?”   
“You know churches, reception venues, dresses”   
Erm one word here Veronica “Vegas”   
“OH NO YOU DON’T HENRY just because there’s now twice the freak out from you AND him don’t think you can just run away and become a Leto without me being there to see it. I’ve been waiting for this since the 90’s”  
“Huh?”   
“One day V I am going to marry Jared Leto… that’s what you said looking at your fucking Jordan Catalano poster and now you are marrying Jared Leto and I want to SEE it, so I can cry and laugh hysterically as you freak out worse than ever before”   
“I hate you”   
“Call your Mom”   
I’d called my Mom who cried even though she knew what was coming all along, I’d showered, I’d cried for reasons… and gotten dressed and Jared was still doing whatever it is Jared Leto does during the day. I’ll go and see him because I’m kind of hungry… for FOOD obviously. I walk down the corridor totally trying not to trip up over my own feet because all I can see out of the corner of my eye is my fucking engagement ring that Jared Leto put there. I hope I don’t turn into one of those annoying people who accidentally on purpose show their ring finger all the time that’s so fucking annoying and rude and I hope I get over it quickly… but LOOK at my engagement ring, it’s so big and shiny and…   
Do I need to knock on this door? Or do I just walk in? GOD I’m shit at these things, I’ll knock. I knock and there’s no answer, why is there no answer, where’s Emma? Shayla? Fuck it I’m going in and no wonder no one could hear me knocking because there is insanity everywhere and oh so many people, who are all these people?   
“Hey it’s the other half of Jammy” I can hear Shannon but not see him and who or what the fuck is a Jammy?   
“Is it my Little Pea? Excuse me for a minute guys” I see people shuffling around and finally I see a couch with Shannon and Tomo sat on it and Jared pushing his way through the throng of whoever these people are journalists I guess? He’s crossed the room towards me Jared what the fuck are you wearing today? How am I going to marry this man? He’s wearing a SKIRT… There’s warm hands at the sides of my face as he leans down to kiss me, in a room full of people who I can feel watching us “You ok? Do you want to eat? We’re due a break”   
“The fuck is a Jammy?” because that is the most important question right now   
“Oh that’s us according to Shannon, Jay plus Emmy equals…”   
“Jammy” Oh my god Shannon, that’s just ridiculous Jammy pfft it’ll never catch on thank god because it’s so ludicrous   
“Yes it’s a trending topic on twitter”   
“WHAT?”   
“Shannon shared our erm… engagement photo and hash tagged it Jammy, it’s kind of gotten a little bit out of hand I’ve been asked about it so many times this morning… You can hit him with a cushion if you like, come on come sit with us, did you sleep ok? Did you call your Mom? V? Are you hungry?” Jared one question at a time, you always do this, and then I never know which question to answer first. I let him lead me through the throngs of people, NONE of whom I actually know but they are all congratulating me. Oh God I’m doing it already aren’t I? I’m like a guy trying to make girls notice my big arms by pointing at things, I would shove my ringed hand back into my pocket but its kinda hard seeing as Jared’s got hold of it and when I look properly it’s HIM that’s flashing off my ring to adoring females as we pass, not me.   
“Hey Jammy” Shannon I hate you, you have stupid arms, and a stupid not quite there beard and you’re going to be my BROTHER… I hadn’t thought of that, Shannon Leto is going to be my brother, oh brother, shit should I call mine? Hopefully Mom will tell him and I won’t have to, I’ll text Katie later. As my butt hits the seat Shannon puts his arm round my shoulder and squeezes “Congratulations again, I really am pleased, because now I get to be best man, I love weddings…” Shannon Leto is secretly a GIRL I’m totally convinced “And I finally get a sister, I always wanted one of those”   
Jared’s sat down next to me nuzzling into my neck totally ignoring everything going on around us “Amelia…”   
“Congratulations again Emmy, I’m so happy for you both” Tomo offers me a big smile and shuffles off the couch and out of sight to be replaced by Emma probably to go through today’s schedule with Jared, who’s just looped all over me, I think he might actually be falling asleep on my shoulder. Aww Jared on tour, sleeping beauty Jared on tour   
“Can I see? I didn’t get a close look at it last night I was in too much shock that he actually did it” Jared pulls my hand towards Emma’s face without saying anything, still just face buried in my hair “It’s so pretty, Jared said it was your Nana’s?” I nod and look to Jared making sure he is actually awake and not just asleep on me but I can see his blue eyes open somewhere in the tangle of hair   
“You ok?”   
“I’m so tired” wails a voice from my shoulder, oh you are falling asleep on me then? “Sorry I haven’t been sleeping the past couple of nights”   
“Yeah it was actually pretty funny” Shannon didn’t even look up from his phone screen, I wonder if he’s talking to the girl he met on the internet, mental note ask Jared, no fuck that I’ll just ask V she knows everything, apparently I’m too distracted by dick to remember to ask questions about OTHER people   
“I was freaking out Little Pea, FREAKING out and now the freak out is over I’m so fucking tired, I feel like I could sleep for a hundred years” HA he IS sleeping beauty I knew it, maybe that’s how he preserves his beauty by hibernating for a 100 years and then comes back and starts all over again, same with Shannon, I feel like an old lady sat here even though I’m nearly ten years younger than them.   
“Why were you freaking out?... OH about us getting married?”   
“Not about the actual wedding …”   
“He was worried you’d say no” Shannon still not looking up from his phone, and what? Why would I say no? I wouldn’t say no, I am physically incapable of saying no to Jared apart from that time he asked me to trim his beard because he would have ended up with bald patches and me crying  
“Why would I say no?”   
“I don’t know” he’s still nuzzled in to my neck just heavy breathing and lips tickling and we’re in a room full of people so could you not? I manage to loop my arm around him bringing my fingers up to stroke his ear, I have such a thing about his ears and luckily he has a thing about me touching his ears. It’s some kind of unwritten code between us. If I’m biting or sucking them he knows to start throwing me around but if I’m just sat twiddling with them, stroking them, he knows it’s not a sexual thing, but I could probably be persuaded NOT in a room full of people though Jared, although sometimes when I stroke them he just falls asleep   
“How do I do this?” Shannon’s putting on his best Jared voice STILL not looking away from his phone screen, but he’s got it just at the wrong angle for me to see, he’s probably just misspelling things all over the internet “Do I take her to dinner? We’re in Norway, what’s a Norway thing to do? Ice skating?”   
“ICE SKATING?”   
“Yeah I’m glad I didn’t do that, and I’m glad I did it when and how I did and that you didn’t say no…” He sounds really kind of sad about this, and I hate it, I hate having to persuade him that I really do love him, and if I ever come across the people that hurt him in the past I will punch their stupid blonde faces, no regrets   
“Now listen here Lion man” he knows there’s something coming when I call him that especially in public, I see Shannon and Emma laugh at my pet name for him, but come on he looks like a lion, in the like a virgin video with the rolling around on the bed and the… mental slap to the face, this is serious. I try to lower myself so I only he can hear because I don’t want this being broadcast all over the world as we’re in a room full of journalists “I would never have said no, despite the freak out and the still impending additional freak outs” he’s lifted his head away from my shoulder and is sat face close to mine smiling, I lower my voice even further “And I’m glad we were naked because being naked with you is my favourite thing… EVER…” His lips meet mine and there’s a barrage of flashes going off around us.   
“You’re going to delete those” I feel Emma move away from the couch no doubt with her protective head on  
“No Emma it’s ok…” I get a bit weird over photos being taken of me with Jared, just because I want to be my own person, not a person defined by picture tags in glossy magazines, Tumblr tags though are just funny  
“Are you sure?” Jared’s giving me his best contented smile   
“Yeah I’m sure so long as they don’t end up in HELLO…” 

I’m on the fucking bus again, I hate this bus I can’t have sex on this bus… OK so it’s a different bus than the states but the same rules still apply, and for some reason when we can’t have sex Jared decides to say all kinds of romantic sappy things to me that makes me want to have sex with him even more than I do normally. He’s almost an entirely different person to when we first met, he knows how to switch off now, or at least I think he does, he maybe just calms down slightly when I’m here then goes back to working and not sleeping when I leave.   
My sleep schedule has been totally off since I landed here, I don’t know if it’s jet lag, time difference or what but I just can’t STOP sleeping, every time Jared suggests maybe watching a movie or one of the TV box sets they’ve bought to keep themselves amused on the bus I’m out for the count barely five minutes in. He doesn’t seem to mind and we’ve been found a few times just a tangle of limbs and slight snoring, it’s obviously doing him some good because the dark circles under his eyes that he gets on tour are fading fast. And you know the bunk it’s not so bad… if I forget that Tomo is underneath us and Shannon less than three foot away from us, probably talking to the girl he met on the internet whose name nobody knows and he’s being cagey as fuck. Prolonged Shannon sex party occurring it would seem.   
“Amelia…”   
“Jared…” he’s spooned up behind me in the bunk which is like a really cosy tomb all locked sliding door, low lighting and soft squishy mattress, just running his fingers up and down my forearms where his arms are wrapped round me. I feel like I’m in a Jared cocoon, his beard scratching against the top of my head and I’m not sure where his hair ends and mine starts right now   
“Don’t go home” I’m leaving after the show tonight, it’s been an interesting week we’ve gotten engaged, still not over that one, I’m sure I’ll get off the plane at LAX to a best friend with a stack of bridal magazines and then the true freak out can commence, it’s alright for you Jared all you need to do is turn up on the day, please turn up on the day Jared…  
“I’ve got to go home, who’ll take care of Beast if I don’t and I’ve got commissions that need to be completed, as big as this tour bus is, I can’t paint in here” He lets out an unhappy sigh, which I hate so much, but I’ve got to go Jared, I can’t be permanently attached to your face or dick as much as I’d like to “I don’t want to go home… you know that right? I wish we could just live in this little bubble of beards and long limbs and lion faces, but I have a job and you have a job it’s what we do…”   
“I know, I know, it’s just… I never thought I’d feel like this, not wanting to let go of something, not wanting to be apart…” He brushes my hair away from the side of my neck and puts his lips to it, stop it Jared stop it… bus rules remember? “Will you be ok?”   
“I was ok for the last month wasn’t I?” and can I remind you Leto that I was just fine before you stalked me, but I’m glad you did because this… I feel the ring on my finger… is amazing and I wouldn’t swap it for the all the tea in china  
“You got sick the first week”   
“Yeah but what could you have done if you had been there?” Because I really didn’t want YOU to see me sitting on the toilet crying in pain, it was bad enough having V see it  
“I don’t know, look… I just… I miss you when you’re not here ok?” he puts another kiss to the side of my neck and tightens his arms around me, and I’m doing that melting thing again just turning into goo in his arms “I miss your smile, I miss your kisses, I miss your weird pink bed slipper things you wear to keep your feet soft, your crazy ear lump, the way you bury yourself into my arm pits when you’re tired…” There’s another kiss to my neck a slightly harder one this time “The way you wear my clothes and then they smell of you, the freckles on your shoulder…” He moves one of his arms away from my front and uses it to push my top away and puts a kiss there right where my freckles are and I can’t help it I just push my butt back in to his crotch while he takes my ear lobe in his teeth and pulls just gently oh fuck, goddam fucking no sex fucking goddam twatting bus. I can feel him growing against me, stop Jared please, stop, I will cry from frustration “And then I’ll miss the way you feel when I’m inside you, the way you shake when I make you cum, your thighs clamping around me, and especially that sweet pussy of yours so eager and so tight”   
GODAMMIT I don’t even respond I just groan as quietly as possible and tilt my head backwards, his mouth connects with my shoulder and he just bites me, just fucking bites me WHY CAN’T WE HAVE SEX ON THIS BUS his hand that’s underneath me has pushed its way up into my top, his fingers just dancing across my skin, lips still peppering my neck with kisses and gentle bites, and I am now just fully fucking grinding against his crotch and his breathing is picking up a little against me in between him trying to eat me alive. We can’t have sex on the bus Jared, remember? No sex on the bus and your dick is so hard right now isn’t it? I can feel it because you’re essentially dry humping me “No sex on the bus Jared…”   
“I know… such a shame too… I bet you’re so wet” There’s a hand moving very rapidly towards the waist band of my jeans, slipping inside and into my panties causing me to lift my legs apart slowly, feeling as his fingers slip between my folds, dragging across my clit, holy fuck…. HOLY FUCK   
“Jared no sex on the bus…”  
“Do you want me to stop? Or do you want me to put my dick where my hand is instead? You’re SO ready for me Amelia… I could just slide inside you… fill you… rock you back and forth, rub you here while I do… if we’re quiet no one will know…” his fingers flick across my clit, I can’t stop it anymore, I can’t, I don’t fucking care who else is within a five foot radius of us right now I just whimper, he’s got my jeans undone and along with my panties pushed them to my knees doing the same with his, pulling himself closer towards me, pushing himself inside me, we shouldn’t be doing this, not on here… He puts one arm under me letting my head rest on it, his other is touching everywhere he can reach, I’m glad I’m not wearing a bra because it means he can just palm my breasts up my shirt rolling my nipples between his fingers. I’m meeting the rhythm of his hips with my own, grinding myself against him, his breath hot at my ear, his teeth grazing my neck then gently blowing where he’s bitten me. I put one of my hands behind me and pull him closer to me by pushing my open palm on the backs of his thighs. Neither of us can moan because we would be too loud, so instead we’re a musical of heavy breathing, and I’m sure I’m going to make my lip bleed from biting it trying to stifle the noise. I pull his hand away from my breasts and lower it to my clit his fingers touching me, mine on top guiding him “That’s it Amelia… you feel so good against me… never forget that” He’s pulled himself away from me slightly to put more force into his thrusts, my hand pushing down hard on his putting so much pressure on my clit. I can feel tears welling up in my eyes from not being able to make any sound to stop people knowing what we are doing and I know he’s feeling the same way I can literally hear his jaw clenching in frustration “Cum for me… I need to feel you…” I guide his hand into the motion that I know will make me cum in seconds, even quicker when it’s his fingers against me, his cock is just fucking rubbing inside me from the position we’re in, all friction and oh so fucking deep that I can feel his balls resting against my butt.   
“Jared…” I manage to whisper it which makes it so much more intense when it happens and he’s right my knees do tremble slightly as my orgasm breaks out from me slowly coursing through my veins pushing out of my limbs   
“Oh fuck Amelia…” He gives a last final thrust, and I feel him tense and spill into me pulling me back to him plastering us together once again  
“We had sex on the bus…” he’s nuzzling his face into the side of my head, smelling my hair, I have no idea why, it’s one of his things I guess   
“I think you’ll find we made love on the bus, and when that stupid agreement was made there was nothing in it about making love to your wife to be…”   
“WE KNOW YOU’RE FUCKING IN THERE” We giggle like children at Shannon’s shouting “but seeing as you’re newly engaged we’re going to let you off JUST this ONCE, now put some pants on because we’ve got five minutes till we get to the venue…”   
I stay on the bus and make sure I’ve got everything I brought with me in my case, and a few extra things I’m going home with including the weird butter candies my dad asked for, a statue of an elk for V and I may have slipped Jared’s black and grey sweater into my case as well because I love it so much, he won’t mind, I’m leaving him my scruffy old Land of the Dead shirt I sleep in, which I have been sleeping in while I’ve been here and he probably won’t wash it because he’s a gross boy. He may be Jared Leto but all men are gross and have terrible personal hygiene. I’ve seen Shannon try to Febreeze his armpits before now… Kinda of shatters the illusion of sex gods when they’re doing that and wearing the same socks for days on end.   
I take a last look around the bus and make sure I’ve not left anything really important like my passport, or keys to get back into the apartment when I get back home. I’m going to take a shower in Jared’s dressing room, I know it seems a bit mad because I’m getting on a plane and will just smell even worse when I do get home, but I don’t want to get on a plane smelling of sex, and cum, and have to sit next to someone for 12 hours feeling uncomfortable about it. Getting on a plane should be like getting a tattoo everyone should be clean, not overly perfumed and sober.   
I make my way through the venue dragging my luggage and pass behind the logo screen where on the other side today’s meet and greet is happening and without being seen I catch some of the questions being asked in really good English considering we’re in Europe meaning English is mostly spoken as a second language.   
“Congratulations Jared”   
“Thank you so much, I’ll be sure to pass on all of these to Amelia as well”   
“Why do you love her so much?” That sounded kind of rude and it wasn’t just me who thought that as I heard Emma bounce the question back and some shuffling around before the same voice rings out again “Sorry my English is not good… What do you love many much?”   
“Do you mean what about her do I love so much?” I assume there’s a head nod because I don’t hear a verbal response but a series of hushed whispers at Jared’s voice “Everything… she’s my whole world” I’m not going to cry, I’m not going to cry, I’m not going to cry, I AM NOT going to cry. I half trip over my case as I start moving again towards the dressing rooms. The shower is hot and powerful washing away the bus sex that shouldn’t have happened… I don’t want it to wash away I don’t want to wash the smell of him away from my skin, I don’t know when I’ll see him next. The tears start running down my face, and I don’t really know why I’m crying this isn’t like me. I don’t cry over men, we’ve not had a fight, he’s not left, I’m going home that’s all… to our home, but he won’t be there. This doesn’t get easier this just gets harder the more in love with him I fall. Can I fall any further? Surely there isn’t anywhere else to go. I loved my boyfriend, now I love my fiancé even more, how much more could I possibly love my husband? I let myself cry for the remainder of the time I stay in there, just so it’s hopefully all out before the last goodbye and I make sure my face is clean of any remnants of my tears, I don’t want him to know.   
I catch up with them next as they run through their sound check. Feeling brave I go into the crowd that’s gathered to watch them and get hugged and congratulated by my fellow Echelon and seeing as I’ve managed to scrape some make up across my face in case there’s paps at LAX when I land I happily pose for some photos with them and they laugh with me about my love of Tumblr tags, apparently ‘jammy’ has taken off on there as well. Dammit SHANNON!   
We eat together, just me and him in his dressing room, I pick at my food, not that it isn’t delicious because it really is, but I having to hold back tears at the thought of leaving him. I feel almost pissed that he has to do a show tonight, and I LOVE watching Thirty Seconds to Mars perform, apart from when I get smacked with the balloons or get cuts from the fortune cookie paper of course. We walk to the stage hand in hand and he holds me close before he goes on, which is a first, usually he slides off about half an hour before they go on to do god knows what Jared Leto does before a show starts, practise his hip thrusts, crotch grabs and floozy hair flips probably but tonight Emma collects us from his dressing room and we walk towards the stage more people congratulating us again and I try and pull my hand inside my pocket but once again its HIM showing off my ring to people as we pass.   
“I’ll be right back… I gotta go do a thing” he kisses me sweetly and there’s another assault of flashes on my eyes where people are taking our photo before he heads for the stage proper  
I enjoy the show as I always do, but tonight I don’t want it to end, because tonight the ending means a car to the airport without being able to enjoy my incredibly sweaty fiancé pushing me against things all worked up and hard. He towels himself off from coming off stage and even Shannon says goodbye to me before he vanishes to do Shannon things (I’m totally sure it’s jerking off because come on you can’t miss it when he leaves the stage…). I’m grateful it’s just us in the car and the driver, no Emma or Shayla because as close as I feel to them these days I don’t want to cry in front of anyone and especially not Jared. I don’t let him come into the airport with me, and the bus is waiting for him to come back to the venue to start off on their journey to France, so he doesn’t have time for lingering goodbyes.   
“Don’t go…”   
“I’ve got to” He’s pulled my case out of the trunk and we’re standing by the open door of the car that brought us to the airport “Jared I love you”   
“I love you too Amelia, call me when you land please? Text me when you’re in the air, send me snapchats while you wait because I will miss you the second you walk through those doors”   
He puts his fingers under my chin and brings my lips up to his in a slow kiss that gets increasingly heated to the point I feel his hands slip under my jacket hem and on to my flesh at the curve of my spine, I throw my arms round his neck just wanting to pull myself as close to him as I possibly can.   
“Goodbye Lion Man”   
“Goodbye Little Pea” he places his hands to the sides of my face and puts a last kiss to the end of my nose  
I walk through the airport doors and only look back when I’m far enough in to think that he’s long gone but he’s still there his hand up in a wave, I wave back and turn around swallowing hard. When I’m safely in the air and again thousands of miles away from the man I’m going to marry, the cabin lights are low, I’m on a row of seats by myself which is good because I put my face into my airline blanket and sob all the way back to Los Angeles.   
****************************************************************************************************************  
I weep on and off for the first week of being home, every time V shows me a bridal magazine instead of freaking out about it all or saying that I quite like something I just cry. And then I get my period and cry with relief that I’m not pregnant (and that I have been so weepy down to my hormones nothing else, nothing to do with missing him, NOPE, not me) because despite me taking my pill religiously (and working out when to take it while I was away with all the different time zones to the point I set an alarm on my phone to remind me) there’s always that slight worry it might not come and you’ll have to deal with the consequences. I mean come on, we as girls got it banged into our heads that the VIRGIN Mary got knocked up without EVER having had sex at all, never mind having lots of sex using a contraceptive that’s only 99% effective, leaving that 1% every month that I could be knocked up with a litter of lion cubs and I’d been back to backing pill packets for my own sexual convenience. Jared of course thinks it hilarious well you would think that you’re not the one who would have to carry the thing for 9 months then push something the size of a melon out of a hole that’s only big really enough for a golf ball  
After that the crying stops, well just about, I still sit on the piano bench when I really miss him wearing one of his plaid shirts with my head rested against the closed lid. He bought me an ipad app that’s like a piano tutor and I got ok at it, and tried to play myself Alibi but it just wasn’t the same. Me and V can do a mean chopsticks now though. We can’t be that good at it however because Beast runs in the opposite direction the second we put our fingers to the keys (when Jared plays though he’ll happily sit on top of the piano paws over the edge purring). I feel bad for myself and I feel bad for my friend because both of our beloveds are not here, and I never really thought about it before now, which makes me feel really guilty that she was feeling like this and I was mocking her for it. V says it’s ok and accepts my slightly weepy apologies and says it’s just that I’m now at the place she was when they first went away after her and Jamie were together, it just took us longer to realise quite how in love we are.   
I don’t know if Jared being Jared LETO of Thirty Seconds to Mars is good or bad for him being away from me. It’s good because I can log on to Tumblr put his name in and be able to see what he’s doing and then either laugh or cry at the gifs of him hip thrusting his way through sound checks or wearing all manner of ludicrous things to go on stage in, I make a mental note to steal that fucking furry cape and send it to the cleaners because it must be disgusting by now, and as for the hockey mask I have no idea, just no idea… BUT then there’s the days the photos of him wearing my Land of the Dead shirt hiding behind big sunglasses looking crushed come up and I know it’s missing me that makes him look like that. I know he sees the pap pictures of me where they manage to catch me rubbing paint off my face and thinks I’ve been crying when I really hadn’t. And it’s really bad when I see photos of fan girls draped across him, not because I start thinking he’s been fucking around, I actually believe him when he says he would never do that because I know Shannon would physically hurt him if he did (as probably would Emma and Shayla and Tomo), it’s more the fact that they get to touch him and I don’t. I don’t get to feel the scratch of his beard against my face, that vice grip hug he’ll put you in, or see those blue eyes that stare into your soul and make you feel three inches tall. A project, I need a project that’s not my art because that’s my job and it’s not distracting enough. So I decide to make a start on planning this fucking wedding which means we’re going to have to have an over the phone facetime cross continental freak out, oh good this is going to be fun…   
“I was thinking about starting to plan the wedding, I need something to do to stop me missing you so much”   
“Good I think you should, do you want a wedding planner? Emma’s friend is one so…”   
“No I think I’ll do most of it alone, I’ll shout if I need help though, are you ready to freak out?”   
“Yes… I think…” he’s kind of squinting at me sitting on the couch in his hotel room, his eyes still unnerve me, and this is just through a camera, it’s even worse when it’s in the flesh, or should that be in the eyeball? They’re too fucking blue Jared whatever   
“WHEN should we get married?” I suck in a deep breath over that question, because we never actually got round to discussing this part of it when we were together, there was too much celebratory sex  
“Soon”   
“You can’t just say soon Jared, because in Leto language that could mean tomorrow, two years or never, even I’m still waiting for a tour DVD…”   
“Point taken, how about you find out some dates when places are available, that fit in around touring obviously and we’ll decide then AND can we get married somewhere where we can have the whole thing so we’re not having to go from one place to another? Like a hotel or a country club etc?”   
I scribble down notes in the Moomin notebook I bought especially for this, Moomins are cute ok and for adults too not just people under the age of 10 “So not a church?” He shakes his head via my ipad screen “Do you have any other requests?”   
“No I don’t think so, but nothing massive, keep the guest list to a minimum, I can’t be bothered with distant relatives I’ve not seen for 20 odd years turning up just for the sake of getting their faces on the internet and eating free cake”   
“Agreed” this is one of the things I love most about mine and Jared’s relationship we’re both practical planners, he loves making a list as much as I do, his handwriting is appalling though “Are you ok?” he’d looked so down on some of photos I’d seen of him getting on the bus earlier I’d had to give V my passport to stop me getting on a plane just to go cuddle him.   
“Kind of… I found one of your earrings lodged in the lining of my wash bag” oh, he always tells me it’s the little things he misses most and a lot of my earrings are earrings are tiny which is why I probably lost it in the first place   
“A horseshoe one?”   
“Yeah Shannon wanted to wear it but I wouldn’t let him” I’d been looking for that everywhere I thought I’d just lost it “It’s just… I dunno Emmy…” he’s really feeling down if he’s calling me Emmy “I’ll be glad when I get to see you next week even if it’s just for a week or so… did you decide on whether or not you’re going to stay a Henry?” This didn’t reach argument point, but he did get a bit you woman, you mine now, in name and all, and I just couldn’t decide if Amelia Leto sounded right, Amelia Henry Leto just sounded stupid   
“I’m staying a Henry for work, I worked too hard establishing myself with the name to lose it and all it means but for everything else I’ll be a Leto, it’ll EVEN say it on my passport, how about that?”   
His smile lights up the screen, which makes me feel better as well “Good, what else do we need to think about for the wedding that’s important and is going to freak us out because we’ve started we may as well keep going now…”   
“First dance song”   
“Clo…”   
“NO Nine Inch Nails and we are not walking up the aisle to it either, wedding march or nothing” I seem to have found my voice at putting my foot down in front of Jared, go team Amelia   
“Why don’t we have a song that’s ours?” he looks unhappy again   
“I don’t know probably because our musical tastes are very different, is there a song that reminds you of me?”   
“Dance Dance by Fall Out Boy because of ‘I’m two quarters and heart down and I don’t want to forget how your voice sounds’ but the rest of it doesn’t work really, what about Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls?”   
“I think it’s been overdone and nothing by Bonnie Tyler, Whitney Houston OR older than 1990 unless it’s a classic love song ”   
“Agreed… Is there a song that makes you think of me? And DON’T say The Lion Sleeps Tonight” STOP looking like a lion then, no wait don’t because I love your beard AND MAGINIFICENT MANE of hair and cannot wait to feel it between my thighs again  
“I wasn’t going to…” I totally was “How about Unfinished Sympathy by Massive Attack?”   
“That was playing that first night I spent with you wasn’t it?” I think you’ll find it was playing when you tried to fuck me on the kitchen counter while pretending to make popcorn but instead were intent on making me moan like a porn star   
“Yes”   
“Then I approve, agree etc. Next freak out?”   
“Engagement party?”   
“Do we have to? And aren’t we discussing these in the wrong order? Or are we going on the order that freaks you out the most?”   
“Order I’ve written them down in, not freak out and no we don’t have to, but it was parental requested”   
“Yours or mine?”   
“Both” he rubs his hands across his face slightly frustrated and I’m feeling a whole range of emotions, sad, pissed he’s not here to do this face to face, little bit aroused by his jaw clenching, because seriously when he does it when we’re fucking holy hell pour a bucket of cold water on me or cum on my face you know either or so long as I can look at you while you do it  
“SHIT can we just all go out to dinner? Brothers and significant others included and have done with it?”   
“Yes… WAIT does that include a significant other with Shannon too?”   
“WELL…” He knows, hallelujah Jared actually knows something “She’s called Char and that’s all I’ve got and he only told me by accident, when he left the room and said he was going to call Char… so yeah maybe by the time we get chance to all go out to dinner I’ll know more, and maybe he’ll feel comfortable and bring her along”   
“What kind of name is Char?” He shrugs and pulls a clueless face at me… ok “Can I invite V and Jamie too?”   
“I assumed you would anyway, is V gonna be bridesmaid?” BRIDESMAID? I hadn’t gotten that far Jesus fuck Christ, it’s not on the list, it’s not on the list “Little Pea? OKAY you’d not got that far yet had you? Sorry… but she’s going to want to do it…”   
“Can I just have the one?” Because there really isn’t anyone else I’d want apart from V, I don’t really have a lot of close female friends or male friends for that matter, I’m kind of a loner, and I like it, Jared is too and I thought he’d have thousands of friends when really it’s only a handful… I should ask my sister in law too, I was one of her bridesmaids in a VILE puce puffy dress.   
“You can have a hundred of them if you want so long as they get you up the aisle to me, now I’m done freaking out over actually proposing I’m excited about getting married, although I’m sure we’ll both freak when we realise we’ve made a lifetime vow, but can we do it after we have sex AFTER the wedding? Speaking of which what are you wearing under your dress? I think there should be samples sent to me for approval” I pull out the catalogue I’d picked up from a company that makes vintage styled underwear and hold the front page of it up to the camera for him to see “I see… Amelia… get Satan”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

Don’t get me wrong, touring is what I do, it’s who I am, it’s part of my make up now. I want everyone to have the best fucking time they ever had, I’d hate to see people walking away from a Thirty Seconds to Mars show downhearted for any other reason that it had to end. I just miss her… so much. And between shows I’m trying to do a hundred jobs at once, I used to do it so I wouldn’t notice the hole in my life where there should have been a significant other, now I do it to stop me constantly thinking about and missing my significant other. My fiancé, shit… me… engaged, actually getting married. I thought if it ever did happen it would be more for legalities than love, that I’d end up with someone I thought was alright and eventually I would feel obliged to marry them, not actually want to get married because I’m so desperately in love I didn’t know what else to do other than put a ring on it  
The past few weeks since she left have been the hardest of my touring career, proposing wasn’t the hard part (like I thought it would be) the hard part was letting her come home after I’d done it. And I SWEAR that at some point Amelia has said in a public forum what perfume she wears because every meet and greet after she’d left all I could smell was her, there seemed to be a trail of Amelia wannabes coming through. Prada perfume, red hair and those Bretton tops she wears so much, even a few wearing fake glasses and I wonder if they know how actually blind she really is. Sorry ladies but the red’s not quite the right shade (I realised you have to be a natural red head in the first place to get it that colour, it can’t come purely out of a bottle) and as cute as you all are, and no matter how much you all smell like her, dress like her, you’re not her. There’s only one of her and thank god because any more and I think I’d have a nervous breakdown from all the insanity, and not know where to put my dick first… And the wedding planning has been frustrating as hell I should be physically next to her when she’s asking me about stuff that’s freaking her out because it’s freaking me out too. And as for the… the… present I bought for her, I’m jealous of it, I’m jealous of a fucking dildo that’s modelled on me, it gets to be inside her making her cum and I don’t because I’m on the other side of the fucking world.   
Christ this cab is taking forever… Clearly this guy driving has never needed to get home and aggressively snuggle… yes I said snuggle… his fiancé, and fuck her too, just pin her down regardless of what kind of ridiculous underwear she’s got on, but sleep first, yes definitely sleep first. I will freely admit that I have had more than one wet dream about her wedding night underwear already apparently you DON’T grow out of them when you’re a teenager instead they come back when you find a woman who drives you crazy enough to make them start again. I wonder what her dress will look like, I can’t see her encasing herself in masses of frills no Amelia’s dress will probably be something simple with clean lines like her art. I should really start thinking about best men and suits. See if I can get someone on the case, there’ll be someone who wants to dress me and Shannon in wedding finery for their name in print. AND I AM IN NO WAY FREAKING OUT over this, you want to marry her Jared, you want to be with her, or you wouldn’t have asked, and for a wedding there needs to be suits so deep breaths   
“Do you know what time it is?”   
“Well after 3am my friend, long flight?”   
“Yeah you could say that…” I’d been sat at the airport for five hours longer than I needed to be after we got delayed I should have been home by now, with her, fucking commercial airlines “Why is the traffic so bad?”   
“That British boy band had their movie premier earlier anyone would think world war three had started not five teenagers with bad haircuts… I don’t think there was a chopper on the ground in the whole of LA” That would explain the lack of people taking my photo as I waded through arrivals. Lucky timing for Shannon and his mystery girl… sorry I mean Char… I hope he brings her to the engagement dinner she must be something special if he’s not talking about her at all “Anyway here we are you want me to help you with your bags?”   
I look up to our apartment and the lights are on, Amelia must be up still “No it’s ok, thank you though” It was lucky I had American money to pay for the cab, I’ve had to barter in Euros before and pounds, find a Japanese cabbie though and they’ll happily take your Yen without arguing.  
I think at some point we’re going to have to move, because these fucking apartments that have been created from old factory spaces may be huge and airy with beautiful light, but they’re a pain in the ass with their half broken old elevators and drafty stairwells, at least we’re on the top and can’t hear people above us, come to think of it I don’t think I’ve ever heard people below us. Maybe I should make an effort to get to know my neighbours I’ve not had neighbours in so long that I’d forgotten they exist. I bet Amelia knows them all, probably right down to their shoe sizes because she for some reason likes to collect random facts about people (On one of our first dates she was asking me for my inseam measurement, not the size of my dick, nope, but how long my legs were instead). But for the time being I’m happy here, we’re happy here, every couple starts off married life in a small place don’t they? Then they move when two becomes three, although I don’t think that will happen with me and Amelia, we’re too old, I’m too selfish to share her with another, and is it fair to bring a child into a world where it’s father is away half the year, I suppose military personnel deal with it…. Amelia’s pregnancy freak outs though are fucking hilarious especially if I’m having a bad day they bring a smile to my face like none other. I don’t worry about it… if it happens it happens we’ll deal with it then. BUT all she has to do is look sideways at a small child during certain times of the month and that’s it, she’s pregnant ‘without a doubt Jared I am 100% pregnant’, of course as soon as she actually thinks maybe she should take a test her period arrives and then she realises why she’s spent the past week crying, especially horny and convinced she’s about to have a litter of cubs.   
I turn my key in the lock, noting that the door was locked not left open. We fall out over her lack of remembering to lock doors at night, in Los Angeles. ‘But I’ve got a can of pepper spray and a baseball bat Jared…’ Everything is quiet when I step inside and I see the top of her head first, her red hair falling over the arm of the couch. Beast sitting on the back looking at me intently, he’s gotten so big, hardly the ball of fluff I gave to her, but hardly any kind of guardian either seeing as he’s just sat there blinking at me. There’s a pile of mail waiting for me on the dining table and just seeing that makes me feel more human again, more normal. I notice my piano’s lid is closed which means she’s been sat with her head on it again, she thinks I don’t know she does it, but it’s kind of hard to miss the slight imprint of her lip gloss and finger tips on the lid.  
As I get closer I can see the coffee table littered with magazines and Moomin notebooks (I’ve got her a Moomin plushie in my case that I found in a Swedish bookshop, it’s the one of two engagement gifts I’ve gotten her, the other one MIGHT cause an argument but I’m ready for it), her glasses are perched on the top of the pile, a half full tea cup next to them. She’s not even got a blanket over her, she’s wearing my camo poncho and not a lot else by the looks of things. She’s such a heavy sleeper when we’re at home I know she barely sleeps on the bus, so it’s nice to see her so asleep now that me chucking my luggage around and stomping over to the couch hasn’t even roused her slightly. Her arms are hidden under the poncho, her head slightly dropping on to her left shoulder, her legs crossed at the ankles. If I tried to sleep on the couch I’d end up with my legs hanging over the arm, it’s only when I see her laid out like this that I remember how little she is. Her personality is so big, that it makes up for her lack of physical height. PLUS I love the fact she’s small, it makes her so much easier to toss around in the heat of passion.   
I get round to the side of the couch and crouch down, letting my fingers run down the side of her face, tucking her hair behind her ears slightly and she finally stirs.   
“Jared?”   
“Yeah it’s me…” I duck as she stretches her arms out and over her head I got a fist to the face a couple of times before I learnt it’s an automatic response to her waking up   
“What time is it?”   
“Nearly four” she’s turned on the couch so she’s on her side facing me, wide smiles and sleepy eyes   
“You’re home…” her hand reaches out and cups my face, I rub my beard into her open palm and her smile widens even further “I wanted to wait up for you I must have fallen asleep…”   
“Are you wearing anything under my poncho?”   
“Sadly yes, I stick to the couch otherwise” She pulls the poncho back and I can see she’s wearing some old running shorts and a tank top, something like a 1970’s gym kit, I don’t even know where she gets these things sometimes, but she looks beautiful all the same. I let myself lean in allowing my lips to touch hers, and as soon as they do there’s the spark, the electricity flowing into me, the reason we’re here, loving together, living together, getting married.   
“Shall we go to bed? I feel like I could sleep for a week” I really want to just slip my arms underneath her and carry her towards the bedroom but she’s too quick in pulling herself up and I offer out my hand to help her to her feet instead, she wraps her arms tightly around my back and buries her head into the folds of shirt across my chest   
“I missed you”   
“I missed you more” I mirror the movement of her arms and wrap my own around her back putting my face down to the top of her head, letting my senses become flooded with all that is her once again “Now… bed?”   
She pulls herself away from my chest and looks up at me, all eyelashes and freckles, unlocking her arms she takes my hand in hers and leads my towards the bedroom. Kneeling on the bed she peels me out of my clothes, and it’s not sexual, it’s not a race to rip my clothes off and pull me on top of her, it’s kind, caring and the sensation of her fingertips as the connect with my chest pushing my shirt away makes me sigh happily to which she responds with a smile, I’m down to my boxers when she pulls back the comforter with an even bigger smile. I must smell awful from nearly a whole day of travel, but she doesn’t seem to care and happily lets me throw myself over her tangling my limbs through hers. She starts stroking my hair, just brushing it gently with her fingers tracing the outer part of my ear in such a way that I’m asleep in seconds, before I get the chance to say goodnight, or that I love her.   
I awake what feels like days later, sunlight streaming through the windows, and a mop of red hair at my crotch, thick lips wrapped around my dick. I am home.


	5. Chapter 5

Oh he’s laid next to me, he’s actually here, back home, in bed with me, what the fuck is the time? 9am? Shit it go back to sleep or get up? Too bright, too hot, too hungry, going back to sleep is apparently not an option right now, getting up it is then…   
“Jared?” No answer, in fact he didn’t even move “Jared?” slight kick to the shin and he’s still dead to the world… fine I’ll get up by myself then, is he actually alive? As I pull myself slowly from the tangle of limbs and bend over him his breath tickles me, oh good, not dead then. Right… I spend the morning sitting on the couch, sorting out all the wedding stuff in to some kind of order to show him whilst in my pyjamas humming loudly and STILL he doesn’t stir. By lunchtime I’m bored and I know there’s no point in texting V because she’ll be in bed with Jamie making babies with really curly hair. She may not have been pregnant when I thought but she did tell me she wouldn’t mind if she was. I’m secretly praying she’s not when it’s my wedding or I’m going to end up with a pregnant matron of honour who can’t drink, and I need… revenge… for the whole grey goose, cheese burger incident that was her bachelorette party. I’m gonna go wake Jared up, it’s two in the afternoon and your blue eyes are the size of the moon…   
Going into the bedroom and I really don’t know how he’s still asleep because it’s so fucking bright in here the afternoon sun streaming through the windows from where I forgot to pull the blinds last night. He’s kicked the comforter off at some point and is just sprawled out on his back just in his boxer shorts, his really tight white boxer shorts, with a hard on to rival a fucking flag pole. Right that’s it Jared there’s only one way to wake you up right now, that’s not kicking you in the head and it’s going to start with my mouth around your dick. Even quite aggressively yanking his boxers down and off doesn’t wake him up. Maybe I’ll do this and he still won’t wake up, just think it’s a dirty dream. As I sink my mouth down his length I hear a low rumble coming from his chest and he finally stirs enough to put his hand to the top of my head tangling his fingers through my hair. God I missed you, welcome home lion man…  
It’s gone four before either of us leave the bedroom for any amount of time longer than to go to bathroom or make tea and toast. And I’ve got so much to do today, sort out my car for one. It broke down three weeks ago and the mechanic on the tow truck said it was now so broken it would cost more to fix it than buy a whole new one. So me and V did our best on stripping out the sound system (via some complex Japanese instructions), before sending it to scrap, and yes I cried I LOVED that car. I’ve been borrowing her car to get about as she could drive Jamie’s while he’s been away but now he’s back I returned her car to her and I feel a bit stranded without one… REALLY I should just go to a showroom and buy whatever is cheap and doesn’t matter when I throw paint on it. Jared said I could drive his stupid Batmobile thing but I don’t really want to drive round LA in a really obvious car with the license plate LETO 2 (Shannon is LETO 1) and I’m not the best at pulling up to curb side and would probably scuff the wheels and cry and then have to tell him what I did and cry even more. Fucking alloy wheels and Batmobiles.   
“I got a… present for you…” he’s come out of the bedroom, now properly dressed and is rummaging around in his holdall which is on the dining table while I’m sat on the couch checking my emails. Beast sat on the back of the couch his head turning from me to Jared and back to me, blinking and purring “Are you dressed?”   
I look down at my outfit of jeans, tank top and flip flops “Yeah why?”   
“Right well… you know what… stand up and come over here please” What are you doing Jared? Can we not just sit down and snuggle? Weird Jared is something that I do not have time for today “Don’t roll your eyes at me I will spank you for it…” I debate rolling my eyes again just so he’ll get out his paddle from under the bed, but I’ve got too much to do in what’s left of today so I stand up and head over to where he’s stood, then he can hurry up in whatever his maniacal mind is planning now. The first thing he does is blindfold me with a scarf that he fetches from the hooks near the door. Why do I need to be dressed to be blindfolded? “Can you see anything?”   
“No” I really can’t, I hope he doesn’t expect me to move too much around because I’ll get over disorientated and probably fall down  
“Good… right hold my hand please” I take his hand and he leads me out of the apartment and down the corridor, or at least I assume we’re headed down the corridor, what is going on? Jared I don’t have a car and yours is at the lab and if you put me in a cab blindfolded it’ll be all over Tumblr before you’ve closed the door and told the driver where we’re going “I really did miss you…” he wraps his arms around me and I feel his lips against mine as the floor moves beneath my feet meaning we are in the elevator, oh god I’m really going outside blindfolded aren’t I? When the elevator grinds to a stop (and it really does grind, fucking thing, good job I’m not claustrophobic, I’ve been stuck in it more than once) and the door swings open I don’t think we’re headed outside it feels more like we’re on the garage level, the air smells of oil and gas, and the sound is dead no reverb from all the concrete “OK here we go, are you ready?”   
“I guess… but I’m not sure what I’m ready for?” we’ve come to a stop what feels like a long way from the elevator, I hope we haven’t been spotted and papped because THIS will take some explaining to my mother when it comes up on her msn homepage   
“I bought you an engagement present…” You did what? I didn’t get you one, was I supposed to? Shit, it never said anything about engagement presents to each other in my Weddings for Dummies book… The blindfold is pulled down so it’s around my neck like an actual scarf and my vision is assaulted by the rear end of a brand new Mini Cooper, a brand new British racing green Mini Cooper, in my parking space, with a license plate that reads LITTLE PEA. Oh holy fuck what is this? Jared… just no… with the… He speaks before can get my brain into any kind of response over… this “Now look, before you accuse me of going all Christian Grey on you, I have never bought anyone a car before EVER, and I have no idea if Mini’s are safe or how many miles they do to the gallon blah blah blah BUT you told me you thought they were cute and you needed a new car so I got you one and one that actually looks like a Little Pea, that’s why I chose green…” I turn to him and start to open my mouth but he raises his hand towards me “I’m not finished yet, and I know what you’re going to say and it’ll be about money, BUT look I didn’t have to buy you a ring because you already had one, and to be honest the mini was a lot less than I probably would have spent to find you a ring that represents just how much I love you”   
SAP is not going to get you out of this Jared… He bought me a car he’s bought me an entire fucking car, with a personalised license plate, in my favourite colour, with a leather interior and I’m sure I can see the latest model of my old car’s sound system in the dash. Jared you are… you are… I have no idea, come on Amelia, engage mouth here “Thank you”   
“You’re not mad?”   
“I am kind of mad … it’s not very practical for when I need to move paintings around” (which is why I loved my old car so much because if you put the back seats down it was like a boat in length)   
“Well I’ve thought about that too see…” He pulls me slightly round by my shoulders so I’m now looking at the rear end of a pick-up truck with the license plate LION MAN, oh god Jared what is going on? “My Batmoible as you called it wasn’t very practical for anything really was it? And there will be times when I need to move things around for my work too so when you need to move paintings around that are too big to fit in the Mini you can do it in this…” Jared I don’t think my feet will even reach the pedals in that “Don’t worry I’ll get you a booster cushion short stack”   
I swiftly elbow him in the ribs before throwing my arms around his neck and standing on my tip toes to kiss him “Thank you”   
“Yes well, I may have paid for it, but YOU are paying for your own insurance and don’t think I’ll be putting gas in it either, that’s all on you Henry… do you want the keys?” I nod and he pulls a key from his pocket on a key ring that reads WORLDS BEST FIANCE on it he just shrugs his shoulders “What? You needed a new key ring you’re not just girlfriend anymore”   
I take the keys from his hand and wrap my arms around his back squeezing him gently, but not for long, I’m not THAT pleased about this. In fact Jared you could have JUST bought me the key ring you didn’t have to attach a really cute green car to it “And what happens when I’m wife?”   
“I’ll get you another one, ONCE you earn it of course, now come on, are we going for a spin or what? I must be mental getting in a car with you driving” he shakes his head as I let us in the car and pull the seat forward enough so my feet actually reach the pedals noting that this car has literally done ONLY the amount of miles it takes to get from the BMW/Mini dealership to here, which is less than twenty, I’ve never had a car with less than fifty thousand on the clock when I bought it, Jared’s flicking all the buttons on the dash “I feel like Austin Powers, right Little Pea, slowly into reverse…”   
“I have been driving for seventeen years you know JARED…” And I totally just stalled it and he’s laughing at me, don’t push me Jared Christian Grey (kind of) Leto. I recompose myself and pull us out of the space, without denting his new truck or my new car “Left or right” he looks up from his phone when we’re at the entrance to the garage  
“Right… head to the Lab I need to pick something up”   
I love my new car. I love my new car. I LOVE MY NEW CAR… AND I can hook it up to my phone so I can listen to my iTunes without having to have masses of CDs rattling around in the back. AND Jared STOP flicking through my tunes and sighing, look I like the pop punk version of Wrecking Ball leave it on please… he gets a glare and puts my phone down leaving the song playing without changing it. I make a mental note to make sure I wash the paint off myself properly when I leave my studio and make sure Jared never gets in with muddy shoes because this car is so pretty and smells so nice and goes REALLY fast, although every time I accelerate Jared looks over at me and purses his lips until I slow down slightly, alright passenger seat driver…   
I’m out of the car before he is after I’ve pulled it to a stop on the lab driveway and I’m flying into the house when he’s not even shut the car door yet “HANNY!” I miss Shannon too when he’s away on tour so once I’ve gotten over the lion man being back in the same zip code as me I’m always keen to go see Shannon so I can just torment him, swing from his arms, ask him probing questions about his private life and so on… “HANNY come see what Jared bought me…”   
“What the fuck is all the noise? EMMY!” Shannon comes stomping down the stairs in his fluffy dressing gown and hugs me tight, all arms, but still not enough beard, he looks tired, more so than normal “SO again what’s all the noise about?”   
“Jared bought me a CAR!”   
“And you’re actually happy about this?” Jared told me he called Shannon when we fell out over money during his move and he gave him a kick up the backside, so Shannon knows how I feel about Jared and his sometimes overly extravagant gestures when it comes to money  
“Yeah this time I am come see…” I’m pulling Shannon out of the front door still in his dressing gown like a child wanting to show off their new toy well it kind of is my new toy.   
“Afternoon Jay…” Jared doesn’t respond to his brother just humphs at him and strides up the drive into the house, they’ve not had a fall out have they? When they do it’s usually Shannon that goes all quiet, not the other way round “Well this is VERY cute, very you, it’s a lot bigger than I thought it would be when I saw the pictures”   
“You knew?”   
“Of course, but I didn’t realise he’d actually bought it for you, did he buy himself a car too?”   
“Yeah a pick-up, the Batmobile is no more”   
“Because you can take the boy out of Louisiana but you can’t take the Louisiana out of the boy… and look at your license plate, maybe I should have one that says HANNY… come on… I need coffee and I want you to meet someone…” Oh god is she here? Now I feel really guilty, and realise why he’s still in his dressing gown at dinner time, whoops, I think I just cock blocked Shannon Leto over a car, sorry Hanny, he doesn’t look too pissed so I guess it’s ok. But he’s nearly jogging back up the drive and into the house “Char?”   
“I’m in the kitchen…”   
“Char this is Amelia…” WOAH she is not what I expected at all, firstly she’s not blonde, secondly she’s not stick then and thirdly she’s so fucking tall, taller than Shannon, she looks so… normal…   
“Hi…” I manage to stick my hand out to shake hers and will chastise Jared over his disappearing act later because this obviously means a lot to Shannon “I have heard NOTHING about you…”   
“It’s really nice to meet you and congratulations on your engagement” Shannon’s got this stupid look on his face, one that I haven’t seen before and he’s looped over her like Jared does to me all limbs clinging and neck nuzzling, only Shannon doesn’t has to bend down for as she’s just the right height. This is so stinking cute. God do me and Jared look like this? Mental note stop being so sickeningly cute with fiancé stick to sex instead.   
“Oh thank you, will you come to the engagement dinner?”   
“Erm… Shannon told me about it… so MANY parents though”   
“Mine are mental but Constance is perfectly sane and absolutely lovely so it balances itself out… Throw yourself in at the deep end what’s the worst that could happen?”   
“Erm… I could fall over my own feet…” I like you Char… I like you a lot, already   
“I assure you if anyone is falling over their own feet it’ll be me… oh look it’s my fiancé” Jared comes strolling into the kitchen clutching a pile of papers that he’s probably decided are really important when actually they’re bills from 1997 and should have been shredded years ago. Jared I need to talk to you about wedding things… not watch Bart’s insane doodles form on utility bills for the rest of the day  
“What’s going on? I needed to check something in the office… who are you?”   
“JARED!” That came from me and Shannon, in stereo, Char just looks like a rabbit in the headlights   
“Sorry rude… I’m Jared, you must be Char?” I see her nod looking terrified of him, hahaha I know he’s scary right? I hope she doesn’t think I’m scary by association “Nice to meet you we’ve heard nothing about you, but come to dinner please… or Shannon will be there all gooseberry…Right anyway Amelia, I think you need to thank me for your present… so shall we go home?” I don’t think we can fuck in the mini Jared so, yes, let’s go… home   
“Via Whole Foods on the way?”   
SHANNON! He’s never let me forget and is now totally convinced that I give Jared head every time we drive there… “NO not tonight, I’M driving…”   
“Well I could always…”   
“JARED get OUT lets go HOME, if you let me drive over fifty miles an hour we’d get there quicker”   
“Okay Okay… I’ll be good or not…” he takes my hand and pulls me out of the kitchen “Bye Guys! And remember Char… dinner… Amelia car… NOW”   
Jared we need to talk about wedding things, serious wedding things, or there’s not going to be one and my mother has already bought a fucking hat. BUT do continue in stripping me out of clothes after trying to grope me while I was driving, it’s a good job I didn’t crash or just pull you in to the back of your pick-up truck when we got back to the apartment building. We are totally having sex in there at some point though… He’s got his hand up my top in the elevator before the doors close and someone steps in after us and we’re forced to make small talk until they get out on the floor before ours. Perhaps I should have told them to put some head phones in because I think things are going to get LOUD. I’ve never had this amount of sex, I can’t keep my hands off him, maybe it’s because we spend so much time apart that we make up for lost time when we’re together. Am I ever going to get bored of him? Hell no… He literally hurls me through the door complaining about my vest being too low so he could see the lace of my bra over the top and I had done it on purpose to torment him with tits. He’s left whatever he picked up at the lab in the back of my new car too distracted to remember to bring it with him. MY car is not a dumping ground for your random shit Jared.  
I’m pinned against the closed apartment door my top pulled off over my head, my jeans pushed down and kicked off before he starts kissing and biting down my front. I thought I was supposed to be thanking you Jared, this feels like it’s the other way around here but don’t stop, oh god… rib cage bite… rib cage bite… why is it so hot? My bra is off and thrown over his shoulder I manage to pull his top over his head which ruffles his hair everywhere and gives me… just so many feels and I’m still being pinned to the door as he reaches the waistband of my panties with his kisses his hands slipping into them and they’re pulled down off and kicked to one side and he’s still kissing down until he’s on his knees in front of me, last time he got on his knees in front of me I got a rock on my finger. He pulls my right leg over his shoulder and I very nearly lose my balance but he seems to have been anticipating it because his hands come up to my waist and hold me steady as his tongue hits my clit with force. I put my hands to the top of his head, and I can see him looking up at me, when he watches me, just stares at me as I sweat and moan and shake and my body convulses to his touch it’s indescribable.   
“I thought I was… supposed… oh god… to be thanking you… fuck….” He doesn’t respond to my question just hums against me and keeps going. His fucking beard is like some kind of additional sex toy just fucking scratching and tickling against me in the best way. My thighs start shaking and he pulls his face way from me, fucker, putting a little kiss to the inside of my thighs   
“Not yet Amelia… not yet…” he’s shaking his head and standing back up or rather kissing his way back up his mouth closing around the flesh of my breasts sucking firmly, am I about to be fucked against this door? His mouth is on mine and I love tasting myself on him, I think it’s one of the sexiest things, I need him I want him, NOW. I put my hands between us pushing down his sweats and boxers, without breaking our kiss apart he toes his boots off then kicks off his bottoms leaving us both naked STILL against the door. He takes a step back and leads me towards the couch. The couch Jared? It’s too little for both of us and we should really buy a new one and… my butt is very firmly placed on the back of it and he’s wrapping my legs up and around his waist sliding in to me, oh fuck… I start with my hands balancing myself out to my sides gripping the back of the couch I make a move to wrap them round him but he kisses me and shakes his head and starts to push my torso backwards.   
What the fuck Jared are you doing right now? “Gonna fall…”   
“No you’re not I’ve got you…” I am literally bent in half hanging over the back of the couch, trying to hold on to him with just my thighs he’s got the tightest grip on my waist and my arms are now over my head, I feel like I’m doing a headstand all the blood is rushing to my ears. And his thrusts are so forceful I can feel the couch start to move across the floor slightly, he puts one of his hands between us and uses his thumb to rub against my clit all pressure and friction and oh fuck I’m gonna cum but it feels kind of weird because of the position I’m in (essentially upside down, again what the fuck Jared?)   
“Oh… OH…” He chuckles and puts more pressure on me with his hand and I cum but not just my core but my brain too, my whole head is a rush of orgasm and almost blinding light a warm glow like a halo around me, around us “Fucking…. Fuck….” His hand is away from me and back at my hips and I try to pull myself back up but my body has turned into spaghetti, I manage to pull him deeper with my thigh muscles, digging my heels into his butt and he tenses spilling into me with a loud moan. But as he relaxes his grip on me loosens and I fall… no perhaps rather slide down the back of the couch so my back is against the seat and my legs are just sticking up in the air, oh how attractive and glamorous thanks for that Jared.   
“You ok?” He’s peering down on me over the back of the couch, my ankles near his ears   
“Can’t move” and my boobs are falling into my arm pits, shit it, there’s got to be a way out of this   
“Whoops”   
“Whoops WHAT?” Jared I’m serious I’m fucking stuck but I’ve got my arms holding my boobs up now, no more arm pit boob here, nope   
“Cum stain on the couch” oh for fuck’s sake Jared “We needed a new one anyway, I can’t lay down on this one because I’m too tall, do you want a hand?”   
“Please” he comes and sits down next to me on the sofa so my head is level with his knees and laughs for what feels like a good five minutes and I try to slap his leg but he has freaky fast reflexes and he just grips my wrist stopping me and laughs some more he’s also far too strong for me to even try and over power anyway so I’ll just let him get on with it  
“Sorry Little Pea… right come on” He finally pulls my legs down for me and he manages it without hurting me too which I’m grateful for. I end up on my back with my head on the arm my legs laid across him he’s running is hands up and down my ankles and calves just gently almost tickling “Better?”   
“Much… thanks and thanks again for my car”   
“Head” I look up at him and he’s got his head slung back over the couch, his hair falling away from the back, his Adam’s apple prominent, how the fuck did I end up with this man naked on my couch again?   
“Huh?”   
“I get head whenever I want it for at least… a year”   
“Deal” I’d do it anyway but he doesn’t need to know that. Before I can stop it my stomach gurgles loudly “Sorry I’m so hungry, have we eaten today?”   
“I ate some toast earlier, shall we get a takeout?”   
I think the delivery girl for the noodle house thought all her Christmases had come at once when Jared Leto answered the door in just his sweatpants still looking a bit sex rumpled. I’d hardly moved from the couch still feeling like my head was rushing everywhere but I had managed to put a t-shirt on along with his boxers that had been thrown by the door and I’d only done that because beast kept trying to claw at me while I was naked. I would just be naked with him all the time if I could work out a way to stop my ass sticking to the couch and my boobs falling into my arm pits.   
Right then Leto I’ll start… “So wedding…” we’re both sat cross legged as if we’re about to start a yoga class in front of the now cum stained couch where Beast has stretched so far out across it I think we’d be hard pushed to sit on it at all.   
“What about it?” He sticks his chopsticks in my takeout container, which HEY yours are exactly the same just spicier because you like your mouth to actually be on FIRE when you eat   
“OK well we agreed on a place where we could do everything right?”   
“Right”   
I pull the notebook from the top of the pile, which has got all the venue details in. I had no idea that planning a wedding could be so complicated, I see why so many people flee to Vegas or just go to County Hall and have done with it because it avalanches, start with a dress then before you know it you’re up to your eyebrows in colour schemes, venues, guest lists, and wedding favours, seriously what the fuck is a wedding favour? And why should I give them to people? Why should I give people gifts to come to my wedding? I mean our wedding… “Well I really like the Park Plaza…”   
“And we could do the whole thing there?”   
“Yep, and stay there before and after…”   
“Done” well that was easy, perhaps too easy Jared? I stare at him with my chop sticks half raised to my mouth in shock “I really like that place, the architecture is stunning, if you hadn’t suggested it I probably would have… right… when?”   
“Your birthday” then that way he’ll never forget our wedding anniversary and we both get presents… because… presents  
“Done”   
“This is too easy… are you just agreeing for agreements sake?”   
“Not at all… I’m really not… Is that enough time to get everything done?”   
“What do you mean?”   
“I assume you mean this year?”  
And here comes the next freak out “THIS YEAR?”   
“No point in waiting around” Don’t just shrug your fucking shoulders Leto! That gives us NINE MONTHS, NINE MONTHS you’re being ridiculous “We said small right? That gives us loads of time to organise it or are you freaking out because you thought you’d have another year of being a Henry?”   
“We’ve not talked about who’s going to pay for it… I have some money in an ISA that we could use” and even then when I’d done the math with some help from V’s self-accountancy brain it was stacking up rapidly, maybe I could have an off the peg dress, and make bridesmaid dresses, I’d made dresses before. I made mine and V’s prom dresses. And they were… ok I just didn’t want to spend the equivalent of what would take the average earner ten years to make on one day   
“A bride doesn’t pay for her own wedding” He said that so gently no force in his words, but I feel this is going to be a my way or the highway statement, stubborn shit head   
“You’re not paying for all of it” and here we go, should I get dressed and make a run for it, because this is going to kick off and I hate fighting with him I’ll just go straight to Shannon cut out the middle man he’s the perfect mediator   
“I’m not paying for any of it” Our wedding is not being sponsored by… fucking…. Warner Bros or Gibson Guitars   
“Weddings aren’t free Jared” We’re having some kind of stare off here, but there’s a smile creeping at the corner of his mouth, which will always make me smile in response and could diffuse a fucking bomb, which is what I feel like right now, waiting to go off…   
“You need to call your Dad” What’s my Dad got to do with it?   
“Huh?” He puts his takeout container down on the table and kisses the end of my nose which is burning spicy Jared BURNING… Stands up and hands me my phone from the arm of the couch   
“Call your Dad… I’m going for a shower”   
I hear the shower turn on and start running and I resist the urge to just go and slip in there with him and call my Dad instead “Dad?”   
“My little dragon slayer, how goes it in the world? Still winning? Feel better now your Prince is home in the castle huh?”   
“Dad…”   
“Ahhh his lordship told you to call me didn’t he?”   
“Yeah” and I have NO idea what’s going on right now, but clearly Jared does and thinks whatever it is needs to be between father and daughter not soon to be son in law seeing as he’s gone for a shower meaning he’s not here nor can he hear what’s being said   
“Now I know you’re a grown up now but well… you’ll always be my little girl” tears are welling up in my eyes and I’m glad Jared is in the shower so he doesn’t see the tears start to spill down my cheeks why is all this making me so emotional? Note to self - TOTAL waterproof face on the day “I started putting money away when you were a teenager, when you got to twenty five and there still wasn’t any sign of your Prince I put it in an ISA and it’s been sat there ever since ticking over, gaining interest, accumulating”   
“You never mentioned it before”   
“Because those shit head excuses for men you brought home were never for you Amelia… Jared he’s the right one, he loves you, you’d have to blind not to see that…”   
“Dad…” my voice is literally breaking over the phone I hate when it does that, I try NOT to do it when Jared’s away, I’ve actually hung up on him a couple of times so he doesn’t have to hear it   
“Hey no tears, this is happy, happy times, this isn’t you sobbing on my shoulder because you gave all your love and didn’t get it back in return… I told Jared about it when he asked me for my permission, neither of you are to pay for anything so you just send me the bills ok?”   
“Ok” My mind in situations like this only seems to be able to voice one word answers, yes, no, ok   
“And no making your own dress, or anything just off the rack at an outlet to save money, a dress fit for a Princess please, Jared knows the budget, but I doubt he’ll tell you so no fighting over this, I know you’re proud about money and can take care of yourself but this is tradition… NOW go and spend some time with your Prince, we’ll see you at the dinner ok, I love you”   
“Love you too Daddy” I can’t remember the last time I called him Daddy but I feel like a little girl now  
Jared comes padding out of the bathroom, hair wet, towel slung low around his hips as I put my phone down on the coffee table “Oh Little Pea” He sits on the floor next to me gathering me up in his arms, I don’t care that he’s still wet and I’m getting dripped on “These better be happy tears, I hate it when you cry… don’t cry…”   
“My Dad loves me”   
“Of course he does you’re his little girl, well were his little girl… he just wants the best for you, so no arguments on wedding money ok?”   
“Ok” and AGAIN with the one word answers Amelia   
“Good… now I’m going to look at couches… ones that I can actually lay down on and you are going to shower because you smell like…” he sniffs the top of my head “…new car, noodles and sex… go on…”   
I kiss him, stand up and begin to cross the room, looking back as I get to the bathroom door he’s on the couch, Beast sitting on the arm looking intently at his ipad screen. NO REALLY how did this happen again?   
******************************************************************************************************  
IN the name of public relations and Shannon being a worried mother hen (Jared actually made clucking sounds and I needed him to stop… immediately) myself and V have invited Char out with us for the day, to buy a new dress for this engagement dinner and perhaps persuade her that we’re quite nice people and not at all terrifying and I should really be getting on with some actual work, where I paint or write, not plan weddings and fuck my fiancé, never mind take Shannon’s sex party shopping. But she must be more than a sex party if she’s still here and he’s fussing like this AND I can never say no to Leto eyes be they blue or brown. I’m driving because I love my new car and V is dreadful at navigating herself round the freeway and ends up in the wrong lane and then there’s shouting and sometimes buses….   
We pick Char up from the Lab, where she’s alone everyone else has gone to tape Ellen and Jared will be on NATIONAL television probably saying something inappropriate about me, us, my underwear, I dread to think.   
“Nice car… it’s so cute” Char slips into the passenger seat beside me and I can see V pulling faces from the back seat thinking me and Jared have been up to now good in there sadly not Veronica it really is too small and Jared is too tall, well his legs are too long… I mean were too long when we tried  
“Thanks Jared bought it for me”   
“A bit Christian Grey of him…” See I like this girl, she understands men being slightly offensive throwing money about   
“THAT’S WHAT I SAID… thank you, see Veronica… Oh erm… sorry I’m shit at introductions, Char this is Veronica but she prefers V”   
“Nice to meet you… SO you two have been friends since school?”   
“Sadly yes I’ve had nearly three decades of crazy from Amelia there” I glare at my supposed best friend in the rear view mirror “WHAT? Sorry but you are mental even Jared thinks you’re mental and he’s proper loopy sometimes”   
“Erm… we’re not going anywhere… fancy are we? I only work in an office and erm I’m not rolling in the readies” she looks almost embarrassed, I hate having money at times like this and I wish I was still selling my paintings for $20 on Venice Beach and living on Ramen wearing a sarong in a variety of creative ways to disguise the fact I couldn’t afford proper clothes   
“Neither am I… Amelia on the other hand… makes the same amount from selling one painting as I do in five years, yet refuses to spend it and lives like the rest of us” I’ll find something to spend it on one day I would have spent it on my wedding but I don’t need to, instead I’ll use it to pay for all the flights I’m going to have to take around the world to see my husband   
“Oh sorry I assumed you’d be head to toe in designer clothes, you always look so well dressed in photos” I feel myself blushing and V sniggers from the back   
“Thanks you erm… it’s really 80% Topshop, 19% Thrift Shops and 1% stolen from Jared… well “borrowed” from Jared”   
“Shannon has more clothes than I’ve ever owned in my entire life and I’m a GIRL” and he hangs things up inside out and they don’t face all the same way and it makes my OCD go wobbly, Jared I’m sure loves it that I have to iron his shirts before they can be put away, I’m like a live in laundry service live in maid, maybe I could buy a maids outfit… I have got ridiculous sex brain today maybe it’s a good job I’m not at work   
“They get a lot of stuff given to them, people who want to sell a certain jacket etc. stick it on someone’s back who’s in front of a camera a lot people see it and want it, so they get free clothes and the designer sells 1000 more jackets totally off setting what they gave away in the first place”   
“I had NO idea”   
“I didn’t either until recently, apparently putting something on a Leto brother causes things to sell out rapidly, I tried to get Jared something as a replacement because I kind of spilt paint on a jumper of his and the woman on the phone was going oh no they’ve sold out Jared Leto has one and I was like YES I KNOW I need to buy him a new one… and when I owned up and apologised he said it was ok because he got it for free anyway”   
“DAMMIT can they get girls clothes too?”   
“Sadly not the nearest I got was a shirt when they’d sent him a girl’s size instead of a guy’s size, he kind of looked like a confused hulk for a minute… ANYWAY I thought we’d just go to the mall, you didn’t want to go to Ellen?”   
“No, I’m erm trying to stay out of the limelight I guess…”   
“If you stand at a certain angle next to Shannon’s arms they totally eclipse your head, I learnt that a while ago” and he stands still more often than Jared which makes life easier  
“Or you can do what Emmy does and just hide in her sweater and shout a lot” I shouted ONCE because they were right in my face and I was only going to CVS for Midol and the sweater was hiding a giant spot on my chin AND I STILL don’t understand why my picture is newsworthy   
“What do you do when they’re erm… away… I don’t know how I’ll handle it”   
“I don’t think it ever gets easier, you just get used to it, Emmy tends to sit with her head on Jared’s piano looking sad while wearing one of his plaid shirts pretending she’s not crying… I just try and keep as busy as possible, keep mind and body occupied, you’re very welcome to come running with us”   
“Thanks I’d really like that”   
Right pleasantries out of the way time to probe, sorry Char, you’re about to get the full Jared style question barrage here, it’s a habit that’s stuck “So you met Shannon on the internet? Is Char short for Charlotte? You lived in Chicago? What kind of office do you work in?”   
“Emmy has picked up that habit from her beloved, but on this occasion do tell us…”   
Shannon and Char met on a website forum for people who collect vintage motorcycle parts, she moved here from Chicago, but she is originally from California, works for a law firm and yes Char is short for Charlotte and she didn’t say it BUT she’s totally besotted with Shannon even though she thought he was catfishing her when he told her who he was. I could see that, I’m sure there are probably people using Jared’s photo as their profile pic and then are actually an overweight middle aged IT specialists with a sweat problem when they turn up. Urgh internet dating, I am SO glad I never have to date again, not that I did anyway… I didn’t mention Shannon sex parties because that’s tremendously bad form, although I’m sure if she Googled him you could see he was a ladies man, but as we’re driving her phone is vibrating constantly more than likely with messages from Shannon, awww young love (or checking we were being nice to her). I hope it lasts with them and if it doesn’t maybe I will marry Char, because she’s awesome. There are really no other words to describe her, by the time we sit down to lunch in Olive Garden she’s got me and V literally in stitches and no one gets our warped comedy values usually. She is Shannon in girl form, so gentle natured and loving, caring but enjoys doing things that are totally reckless and not at all girly with a sense of humour that’s so dead pan and dry but will have you rolling in the aisles in seconds. I have decided she is my number one girl crush, and almost wish I was marrying her and not Jared, because Jared leaves wet towels everywhere and dirty clothes, and a trail of destruction from wherever he started one thing leading to wherever he finished it but Char folds her napkin neatly on to her plate and that says a lot about a person, that they probably put towels back and tidy up after themselves.  
We’re headed back to the car, me thankfully with a new, suitable for parents dinner type affairs dress and shoes, when we pass an electronics store with big screen TV’s playing Ellen, oh god I’m going to want to see this somewhere possibly private right? But nope too late V’s pulling me in and I hope that no one takes photos of this, look Jared’s Leto’s fiancé watching him on TV in a mall, with garlic sauce spilt down her shirt. I’m going to hide in my sweater I don’t have one with me, shit  
“Excuse me can you turn the volume on please?” Char don’t you get involved in this fuckery, I liked you so much… our imaginary marriage of neatness was so beautiful and even though you are way taller than me, I could have just worn big heels   
“Of course… You girls fans of his? He’s very handsome isn’t he? Such beautiful eyes…” the store clerk turns the volume up just as Jared takes his seat opposite Ellen. Another reason we didn’t go as both me and V have hard core girl crushes on Portia and would probably get arrested for trying to touch her hair, because it’s SO beautiful. I nearly swooned when I found out she’d been to my show at LACMA, sadly not on opening night or gladly not on opening night rather because Portia De Rossi probably would have seen me off toppling away from those idiotic shoes   
“Jared, so good to see you again, thanks for coming back and bringing the whole band with you this time” his smile is just… like toothpaste commercials  
“Thank you for having us and me… again” he’s doing that thing where he’s touching her wrist, he does it to me, I think it was originally about working out how people reacted to being restrained, now it’s more… caring, gentle, affectionate unless it’s one of those times he bites mine and I end up with a hickey  
“I believe congratulations are in order, can you tell us if you’re getting married this year?”   
“We are yes, on a very special day too, I’m incredibly excited about it” he’s still smiling not lying, and I have one of those I’m marrying Jared Leto moments and a huge smile creeps up over my face   
“Are you allowed to tell me about your proposal?”   
“Erm…” oh god no, oh god no, I told my Mum he took me out to dinner and asked me on the way back in front of a fountain, Jared you know this story, tell her that, don’t say we were naked, I can’t look, V, Char someone cover my ears or eyes because I don’t know which is worse “It was in Norway… and she said yes, that’s the important part right?” V sniggers as my cheeks puff out in a sigh of utter non we were naked mentioning relief   
“Well as you know I have a wife of my own, and myself and my wife we saw your intended at the gas station in the most adorable little green car…” Portia De Rossi and Ellen have seen ME, hold me… “But we didn’t want to just go over and invite ourselves to your wedding, but just so you know, we make great guests and buy even better gifts”   
Jared laughs all hair swishing around everywhere like a shampoo commercial, I was disappointed to find out he washes his hair with whatever shampoo he finds first, because that means he uses my shampoo and my hair doesn’t look like that or maybe I just don’t have the grace to do it and without getting blinded by my own bangs “We’re keeping things small… I’ll have to talk to the little lady”   
LITTLE LADY? LITTLE LADY? I am going to punch you in the balls Jared “So this is really it then?”   
“This is really it Ellen, I’m not going to do a Tom Cruise and jump up and down on the couch…” oh thank god, because I can see from here your boots are undone and you’d probably fall off before you’d even got halfway on the couch “But I am… we are… very content, life is peaceful, she’s my other half for sure”   
“Congratulations again and this year touring again are you going to try and break your own record?”   
Phew, I think that was ok, yeah that was ok no mentioning of underwear no mention of naked proposals. Good that was, good Jared, maybe I won’t punch you in the balls for calling me the Little Lady after all… “Well that was not traumatic… good yes… Char please tell me we’ve persuaded you to come to this dinner?”   
******************************************************************************************************  
Jared’s gone to the Golden Globes and taken Shannon, it’s not that I didn’t want to go, of course I did. It’s just we made an agreement very near the beginning of our relationship that if anything involves a black tie or a ball gown and is for his films as opposed to music Shannon or his Mom should go with him. Our relationship is still really in its infancy (despite the rock on my finger and imminent marriage) so he should have someone who’s been there his whole life with him. I would hate for us to split (god forbid) for any reason and then in years to come when he looks at the photos of his moment of glory he’s got someone he now hates on his arm (I can never understand the people that post pics of him with his ex’s on Tumblr, I’d hate to log on to something and see myself and my ex plastered all over it bringing up bad memories and feelings, never mind how seeing those photos makes ME feel). BUT if it’s an event in Los Angeles where he doesn’t have to wear a tux and just goes in his usual mishmash of clothing then I’ll go with him (if I’m not working) in an outfit that I haven’t gotten paint on (yet) and happily pose for photos as they’ll be last week’s msn homepage soon enough.   
AND besides I wanted to watch it with our families who’d gathered at Constance’s, Char included who looked terrified for the first five minutes then was fine, but Shannon did just kind of go Mom this is Char, Char this is Mom and then leave to go get Jared from the stylists. Shannon looked beyond smart, so handsome, but Jared? He’d not even told me what he was wearing and I was just praying he didn’t look like a magician’s assistant again OR drag that jacket out that makes him look like ringmaster AND that he was wearing proper shoes NOT undone military boots. When he left to go to the stylists he was in sweat pants and a jumper with holes in it, please god Jared, please have gotten changed, I’ve seen it where everyone else is in suits and he’s there in his parka and drop crotch pants, Jared this is the GOLDEN GLOBES play nice.  
PLUS Shannon is the best at not weeping publicly unlike the rest of us who were crying when all they’d done was get out of the car and go up the red carpet… Me and V gave him a standing ovation for wearing something actually suitable for the Golden Globes although I admit that maybe a couple of the tears were over his now trimmed beard, I LOVED his bushier beard maybe it’ll grow back quickly. Please grow back quickly…  
When he actually won I was blubbing so hard with happiness and then ever harder over the way Shannon had hugged him hard enough for all of us and all of the Echelon that I didn’t hear the majority of his speech until V nudged me in the ribs as he mentioned my name “Finally…. I suppose last but by no means least I’d like to thank my Amelia, who after Rayon was gone, brought me back to Jared again, with improvements I love you…” He held his award in the air triumphantly “Thank you again” I had to go outside and smoke half a cig with Jamie before I could calm down after that one, and I’d not smoked since 2001 good job I’d not worn make up or I’d be doing my sad clown impression as Jared calls it …   
The rest of the times he popped up being interviewed clutching his award were just hilarious, at first he looked like he’d gone into shock, and Shannon’s face had got stuck in Cheshire Cat mode so no one was getting a lot of sense out of either of them, then he was a bit giddy and waving the trophy in the air, talking animatedly about Thirty Seconds to Mars and how the Echelon keep him creative and keep him pushing himself forward. Finally I was mentioned and the room fell into a hush unsure whether to look at me or the screen   
“Jared congratulations on winning the award you brought your brother tonight, why not your fiancée Amelia?”   
“Amelia is very sick today she’s suffering with what’s commonly known as season finale of Sherlock-itis which was more important than me and she couldn’t be here because she’s clueing for looks…” OH MY GOD the face he is pulling is so serious I think this poor woman actually believes him, before he starts grinning and laughing slapping her on the back “I’m kidding I’m kidding… my wife to be supports me more than I could ever ask for and I’m lucky to have her but on this occasion I wanted my brother here so my brother’s here”   
“I was gonna wear a ball gown but my shoulders are too wide… hey everyone at my Mom’s! Look at what our boy did!” Shannon points as Jared holds his award in the air before they disappear out of sight giggling leaving a slightly confused presenter wondering what the hell just happened.   
My parents drive me back to our apartment at gone midnight and I fall face first on to the bed, emotionally wrung out. I don’t expect to see Jared until maybe lunchtime the next day assuming he’d sleep at the lab or maybe at one of the hotels where the after parties were. I’m not worried, this is part of his job part of who he is and he deserves to party and celebrate with his brother and peers, I would only just flag after the first couple of after parties and probably fall asleep then he’d feel he had to come home with me and I didn’t want any of that, plus I really did want to watch Sherlock… repeatedly… he doesn’t need me stuck to his side to know that I am beyond proud of him.  
I’m woken up by crashing noises coming from the main room at gone 7am and I get to the bedroom door just in time to see him face plant on the (new and now big enough for him to do it) couch still clutching his award in his hand, Beast trying to paw at his head from the arm.  
“Well hello award winner…” I managed to undress myself in some kind of vague fashion before I passed out last night and I’m stood in the doorway in my panties and shirt that I’d had on for the viewing party   
“Blurp” that’s not even a word Jared “SO tired…”   
“Come to bed then you loon… Come on…” As he pulls himself away from the couch I notice he’s now minus his bowtie and satin scarf, I hope they haven’t gone far as I’d quite like to see him wearing them and nothing else. He literally sways into the bedroom and falls backwards on the bed with a soft thud his feet dangling off the end, Golden Globe STILL in his hand “Right clothes off”   
“You do it I can’t move anymore” OH for God’s sake Jared… I like undressing you but not for you to just pass out after I’ve done it   
“OK but you’re going to have to put your award DOWN first”   
“You have it, I trust you with it” He lets go of it with ease putting it into my hand, Jared have you been carrying this all night? It’s really fucking heavy, he’ll end up with one arm bigger than the other he keeps taking it everywhere with him, like those girls with the heavy handbags or teenage boys who wank a lot. It’s put safely on his nightstand, I wonder if it’ll stay here or go in his office, probably in the office all the other awards are there.   
“Where’s your scarf and bowtie?”   
“Blurp” AGAIN Jared not a word “In my pocket with my phone, which died hours ago sorry if you’ve been trying to call me…” I pull the jacket off him first then the shirt buttons nearly see me off because they’re so fucking fiddly and little and he’s doing nothing to help just sprawled out like a starfish not moving, I think he might actually be asleep  
“And WHY would I be trying to call you?” I undo his shoes and yank them off along with his socks, noticing they’d given him a blister to his heel, he’s probably not even felt it, so high on adrenaline, but he’ll be rummaging around in the bathroom for band aids later no doubt complaining LOUDLY   
“Because it’s what 7am and I’m just rolling home? Aren’t you pissed at me for staying out all night?” He’s lifted his head away from the mattress and is looking down on me while I remove his suit pants and collect all his award ceremony finery from the floor and put it neatly over the back of the dresser chair, pulling his phone from the pants pocket I leave it charging on the dresser itself, I turned back to make sure it was on silent because otherwise in about half an hour we’ll get a barrage of tweeting sounds, text tones, ringers and vibrations and I think he deserves some sleep right now without all that   
“I’m proud of you NOT pissed at you…” He’s pulled back the comforter and is underneath it, laid on his side, patting my pillow, I think I’m about to get a Jared hug attack and I’m right as I slip into bed next to him the first thing he does is lean over and kiss me deeply tasting of champagne and maybe something with garlic, then does his usual and slings his whole body across mine, plastering himself to my side, now shorter beard scratching against me, I’ll miss the old one, it had gotten so fluffy, especially if I made him put conditioner in it, even if he did complain it smelt like bananas for days after because can I point out Jared I once found a bit of actual banana in your beard that could have been there for HOURS and you hadn’t realised  
“You promise you’re not pissed at me?” I think he’s really worried about this, even after we had a big talk about him not having to be stuck to my side 24/7 and vice versa   
“Have you done something I should be pissed at you for?” Because I swear on your dick Jared if I see grainy blurry photos of you making out with some fucking Hollywood whatever you will be out on your ass so fucking fast and I will burn your stupid patchwork sweatpants then throw the ashes out of the window laughing manically as it all gets caught in your hair… But you wouldn’t cheat would you? Please tell me you wouldn’t…   
“What?” He looks up at me lifting his head away from my shoulder slightly, frowning although his eyes are hardly open “Amelia, I love you, I can’t even think about… other… people now I’ve got you, in fact I was thinking about getting myself an engagement ring, I’m SO sick of women thinking I’m still open for their flirtations when I’m not in the slightest bit interested because nothing could lure me away from you… But I’m still worried you’re pissed at me for not calling and staying out all night”   
“Jared… one you were with Shannon, if I had needed to call you or find you I could find him, neither of you are hard to spot in a crowd and two it doesn’t matter what time in the morning you get here, what day it is when you come back, even what fucking month the point is that you DO come HOME to me, that’s all I ask for…”   
“I’ll always come home to you Little Pea, whether we live here or on the fucking moon, you are MY HOME… will you stay in bed with me or are you getting up? Stay please…”   
“I’ll stay for a little while, and I really am proud of you, I can’t believe you mentioned me in your speech” and I really mean only a little while because I really do have things to do, so many things, I’m so fucking sleepy though and the heat of his body against mine is so soothing, I’d not really slept more dozed waiting for the door to go, my phone to go off, something… waiting for him to come home, triumphant   
“Of course I did, you’re my lady… Sorry about after though you know with the Sherlock thing, I don’t think they realised I was joking”   
“Well I thought it was hilarious, I nearly spat my drink out”   
“Then I actually SAW Sherlock… Shannon’s got the photo… I told him you were a fan and he said he loved your art, pretty cool huh?” Sher-SWOON what? Jared you can be so thoughtful sometimes and yet so embarrassing “You smell like smoke…” that was kind of mumbled in kisses against my neck as opposed to actual words  
“Sorry half a medicinal cig with Jamie after you won forgiven?” no answer “Jared?”   
I let my body relax into his embrace, drop my head so my cheek is rested on top of his, thinking that I will let myself lay here for an hour then go down to my studio and get on with some work. I’ve got commissions to complete, and the book editor wanted to talk to me about a launch so I was supposed to go there too… My mouth opens into a loud yawn and I end up with a mouthful of Jared’s hair, which for some reason tastes salty, my eyes close and I just listen to Jared’s sleep breathing against me… My lion man, my Golden Globe winner… I love you… It was gone lunchtime when I woke up again. Shit it.   
******************************************************************************************************  
We’ve decided to have the engagement dinner at the Park Plaza in a private dining room, because I’m trying to keep my family OFF the gossip sites, and if we were sat in the main dining room it would probably be all over whatever within minutes. Plus I want Char to feel comfortable and not be looking over her shoulder every five minutes to see who’s got a phone or camera held up to-wards her. Shannon had admitted on camera to having a special lady in his life in at the Golden Globes but didn’t want to offer any further information than that, it’s his life, it’s their relationship, when they want to ‘step out’ (seriously my Mom actually said this, it’s not the 1940’s Mother) in the public eye they will. PLUS this is (war) my… I mean OUR engagement party and the only photos I wanted to see were ones that we’d taken ourselves…  
I don’t know how Jared does it, one minute he’s in the bathroom looking like a drowned rat all wet hair and dripping skin threatening to touch me up while I try and shave my legs the next thing he’s got dry hair and is in a Hugo Boss suit with smart shoes while I try and stop the razor nick on my an-kle from bleeding all over the floor. Magic is what it is, in fact I’m 100% sure he has a phone booth hidden in the apartment somewhere and just steps in it like superman, one minute just got out of the shower Jared, step in quick spin, red carpet worthy Jared… Just like that.   
By the time I’m done Beast has been in and out of the bedroom about ten times, running out at the sound of the hair dryer, running back in away from the sound of Jared’s portable drum ma-chine (yeah I’m not sure about that either, something to do with him wanting to drum on tour next to Shannon…) and then running out again at me spraying my body lotion everywhere. I think even-tually he settled in the bathroom behind the sink as it was safest and it’s near a warm pipe. He may be HUGE but he’s the biggest scaredy cat (literally) EVER.   
“TA-DDDAAAAAAAAAA” I kind of half leapt out of the bedroom door into the main room which was maybe not such a good idea in my new heels.  
Jared looks up at me from his ipad and smiles “Well Good Evening Miss Henry you look…” he stands from the couch putting the ipad down on the arm and comes over to me “… good enough to eat… can we not just stay here and I will do just that?” there’s a slightly damp head on my shoulder where he’s bent down to my level putting a kiss to my neck   
“Parents…”   
“Are a pain in the fucking ASS, right let’s go before I get ideas over those shoes, what have you got on under that dress?” I’d actually had to buy a slip, a full on sheer slinky slip thing because the fab-ric of the dress kept scratching me, I was just praying I was more old Hollywood glamour in it than Nana’s night dress. I raised the hem of the dress slightly with my fingers letting the lace bottom of the slip show “I see…” He raised his eyebrow towards me before putting his lips to mine Jared there is going to be lipstick everywhere just everywhere oh you don’t care? Marvellous, do carry on… my arms hook up around his neck and I’m momentarily lifted off my feet with thoughts of when he just lifts me up my ankles wrapped round his neck and bounces me on his dick running through my head when the buzzer goes “DAMMIT SHANNON… cock blocker”   
“Dinner JARED”   
“Fuck me heels and satin slips AMELIA… come on let’s go before I change my mind”   
Shannon drove us to the hotel while complaining loudly about the blisters on HIS heels from the Golden Globes. Char had pretty much had the same morning I had, and had to literally pour Shan-non into bed (at least she hadn’t had the added bonus of wrestling an award out of his hand too though) after pulling his slightly champagne happy head out of the fridge where he’d decided to make a sandwich worthy of Homer Simpson (she’s seen him put half a jar of mayo on the bread before stopping him). We were the last to arrive, as usual, but hey we’re the guests of honour and if we want to be fashionably late to our own party we will be. And if I have to bat Jared’s hand away from my butt one more time I am going to…   
After a round of hugs and introductions (mainly for Char’s benefit), there’s some misty eyed looks from both Moms as photographs are taken (before dinner in case I spill something down myself, but hey it’s not that I’m clumsy I’s just Jared keeps sliding his hand up my leg and I lose my concen-tration on getting my fork to my face). V is watching me closely out of the corner of her eye throughout dinner I think she’s waiting for me to freak, or Jared to freak, not tonight Veronica we are getting married and for the time being all our freak outs are DONE, I hope…   
Char looks relaxed and happy she and Shannon seem to have this little bubble around them and I hope they can stay in it as long as possible without anyone bursting it. No one has burst mine and Jared’s (yet, I hope they never do). Katie is slightly jumpy and keeps checking her phone probably looking to make sure baby Jack’s ok who’s with a sitter for the evening, eventually my brother takes her phone away from her and slides it in his pocket. I don’t know why I was so nervous about this, I guess sometimes there’s family squabbles and fall outs, people clashing for whatever reason and I just wanted everything to be perfect. More for Jared’s sake than mine, I don’t want him to think he’s marrying into a family of crazies. Even my Dad is vaguely well behaved and only men-tions Dragons once, which is pretty good going for him (he also seems to have found a new friend in Tomo and invites him to one of his lectures, why do boys like dragons so much?). There’s lots of talk of forward planning, suits, dresses, catering, DJ’s over bands. I’m totally in love with the build-ing it’s beautiful and appeals to every part of my artistic brain. I would move in here if I could. We sent out the save the date cards but I don’t think anyone knows it’s here we’re getting married I hope my Dad approves seeing as he will be paying for it… AND I get through the whole dinner without spilling anything down myself, thank god because this dress is dry clean only, mental note to self -tell JARED this dress is dry clean only before he gets any ideas of staining it in any way be-cause if he does, he’s taking it to the cleaners and explaining what the stain is.   
Jared stands up after dessert, is he going to make a speech? Oh no… he’s not good at speeches he forgets everything, mumbles, looks like he’s going to cry (then everyone else cries), and I haven’t written a speech was I supposed to write a speech? I’ve only been to one engagement party V and Jamie’s and there were no speeches there, but then things did get a little fuzzy after Shannon kept giving me birthday drinks and eventually Jared had to take me home leave me on the couch with a bucket by my head while cursing me for being a the world’s worst drunk. He must really love me, he puts up with so much shit, freak outs, random episodes of binge drinking, being convinced I’m pregnant every month (even when I’ve not been on the same continent as him), and yet he’s still here next to me smiling. I must have saved puppies from drowning in a previous life to deserve the Karma I’ve had in this lifetime. Maybe I led some kind of revolution of the people to get Jared Leto putting a rock on my finger.   
“Hello… thanks everyone for coming this evening especially Art and Katie for coming down from San Fran for the occasion, I know it means a lot to Amelia to have her brother here... As you know we’re going to get married on December 26th this year, what you don’t know is and the other rea-son we’re all here is…” oh right I know what he’s doing now panic over “We’re getting married here at the Park Plaza…” there’s a round of whispers and approving sounds coming from round the table “I’m sure you’ll all agree it’s a fitting venue… BUT before I sit back down…” Jared please sit back down, your Moms going all wobbly bottom lip already “Veronica stop looking at me like that…” I look to V who’s looking at Jared a little bit like he’s lost his mind, probably because she knows I’m freaking out right now… I don’t know what he’s doing, what is he doing? “Amelia…” he looks down on me with the warmest smile, I love the crinkles at the sides of his eyes when he smiles like that “You’re a complete lunatic, yet for some reason I love you more than anything I ever have before, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, I can’t wait to marry you and I thank my lucky stars every day for the paint on your glasses that made you walk into me in Whole Foods” Oh god I’m crying, I don’t think there’s anyone sat round the table who isn’t trying to hold back emo-tions, what the fuck Jared? I’m on my feet before I can get my brain to connect with my body, I’m being led solely by my heart, my arms are up around his neck and I’ve got my lips to his because I can’t give any words in response. There’s a small round of applause and we sit back down as cof-fee is served “Sorry I got a bit carried away there I think, did you want to say something too?” I can’t quite get him into focus he’s got this shining light around his head, you are like a saint of sap-py words sometimes Jared, and I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do with you…   
“Do you want me to?”   
He leans into my face, kisses my cheek and puts his lips to my ears “You can say something later… or scream it rather… something like… cum on my face Jared…” I’ve gone bright red, but everyone around the table is looking at us smiling happily apart from V and Shannon who are rolling their eyes probably very aware of the type of sentence Jared just whispered in my ear   
“RIGHT OK…” everyone’s looking at me now, shit said that a bit loud Jared take your hand away from my thigh, NOW   
“Bridesmaids Amelia…”   
“OH YES right erm…” Head back in the game Amelia, I look to V who’s still rolling her eyes at me, I suspect she’s waiting for me to bolt like the runaway bride “Veronica you’ve been my best friend since first grade so I’m assuming you’ll be my matron of honour?” Her face changes from eye roll-ing to a smile and she’s out of her seat and round to my side of the table wrapping her arms around me from behind putting a kiss to my cheek   
“Of course, you’re actually going to wear a dress?” I raise my hands to rest on top of hers, it’s not often we are affectionate with each other, it’s never been part of our friendship, it’s not how we work so it feels a bit strange, nice but strange  
“Yes I’m going to wear a dress…. Katie I’d really like if you were bridesmaid too?”   
“REALLY?” She’s out of her seat and I’ve got another pair of arms wrapped around me, I really wanted Char as well but what if her and Shannon don’t last and then… AWKWARD, maybe nearer the time I can change my mind, I’m the bride I’ll do what the fuck I want.   
Luckily after that everyone starts to leave my family first because Katie wants to get back to baby Jack (I wonder how old he’ll have to be before he becomes just Jack and not baby Jack?), then Emma, Constance, Vicky, Tommo, V and Jamie all depart leaving just me, Jared, who’s gone all I don’t even know what to do with him anymore, all looped all over me, stroking between my shoulder blades with his fingertips… Maybe we should leave Shannon and Char here and get a cab but Shannon’s pulled his car keys out of his pocket so it’s home time for everyone by the looks of it.   
I go to pay the bill, only to find out my Dad had already done it, and paid for wedding day stuff too the woman on reception handed me a note that I recognised as his scrawly scribble that just said ‘not a penny from you Amelia X’   
The ride home is quiet but not awkward, more content, a happy silence and I see Char’s head rested on Shannon’s shoulder as he drives. Jared’s not taken his eyes off me since I sat next to him in the back our hands are joined in the space between us. We wish Shannon and Char goodnight, and I hope they don’t think I’m rude for not asking them in, but I need to either talk to or fuck Jar-ed I’m not entirely sure right now.   
There’s cuddles in the elevator, and he’s being so gentle, stroking his hand up and down my back, kissing the top of my head. Not much is said, I haven’t even told him my Dad had already paid for the venue, he probably knew though, sneaker fuckers…   
“Can we go to bed?” Are the first words out of his mouth as we get in through the front door, I thought I’d be pulled out of my clothes and thrown on the floor, what’s wrong lion man? He wraps his arms around me from behind and I have to walk to the bedroom with him clinging to me like a starfish with his lips at my ear “I want to assist you in some clothing removal….” OH oh ok then I shan’t say no “This evening you CAN take your shoes off…”   
When we make it to the bedroom things start moving in almost slow motion, we’re stood at the end of the bed. I kick my shoes off and he smiles at me, raising his hands to cup my face and leans to kiss me, so gently all soft lips brushing against mine, tongue running across my bottom lip. I put my arms up between us and push his jacket away from his shoulders. He breaks our kiss apart and takes it all the way off, toeing off his own shoes and kicking them under the bed. Without breaking eye contact away from him because he’s looking at me, with so much love tonight not just lust, I put my fingertips to the hem of my dress and pull it off over my head revealing my slip. Jared takes my dress from my hands and throws it over his shoulders. Hey that was expensive Jared, I… I’m being kissed again more forcefully this time, more passionately, his hands are running all over the expanse of satin covering my body, but almost deliberately not touching my breasts, or butt, just soft hands on soft fabric skimming over my waist and stroking the curvature of my spine. I move to unfasten his shirt but his hands still me “You’re so beautiful tonight Amelia, you always were but tonight… you take my breath away”   
I swallowed hard there were so many emotions tonight “Thank you, shall we get on the bed?” he doesn’t answer in words instead I’m scooped up in his arms, walked around to my side of the bed and placed back down on top of the comforter. I think this is the bedding that was on here the first time we… right in the feels there. He’s got his shirt off before he lies down next to me on his side propped up on his elbow his free hand once again stroking across my torso.   
“This thing is… I don’t know what to do with it… I don’t know if I want to take it off or just slide my whole naked body all over it, it feels like… I don’t even know”   
“I’d rather it didn’t get stained” because it was actually MORE expensive than the dress and shoes put together  
“I think you better take it off then…” I push him down on to his back and straddle him, it’s not of-ten I get the opportunity to pull him around. He sits up and our lips meet again his hands running up and down my back and he’s sighing happily against me, growing against me, I can feel it through my panties and his suit pants. The slip is finally pulled over my head and thrown on the floor, I would complain but he’s got his hands around my back now unhooking my bra and slipping it away from my shoulders and down my arms, it ends up in the same place as the slip on the floor. Kisses, gentle, soft butterfly kisses are placed all over my breasts, his hands still stroking my back, my own arms wrapped round his back running my fingers through the ends of his hair “I love you Amelia”   
“I love you too” I wriggle from his grasp and push him backwards again, placing my own lips to his body, undoing his suit pants and pushing them down with his boxers, pulling them off along with his socks. I lick the underside of his dick first just slowly drag my tongue up it towards the head where I let my tongue run three times around it before lowering my head and mouth down it, slowly, I’m taking my time over this tonight. There’s a hand on top of my head but no pressure, no tugging, just fingers gently stroking through my hair, low moans coming from up the bed. I use my hands to tickle up the insides of his legs, just stroke his balls, which gets him moaning a bit louder.   
“You’re too good at that…” His hips start pushing upwards I can see his abs pulling tighter and I feel almost unhappy that I actually want him to fuck me not just keep going and let him cum across my tongue “Come back up here please” I drag my lips away from him and work my way back up to eye level again, oh Jared… how did we get here again? I’m put down on my back, almost laid down like if I’m pushed down too hard I’ll break and he pulls himself on top of me, between my legs, my feet flat on the bed my knees raised. My panties are peeled slowly away from my body. He kisses me again and while he does, he slides into me slowly. I hook my right leg around him and bring my hips up to meet his first thrust. I am being made love to, I’m not being fucked I’m not being just nailed into the comforter. We are making love, actual real love, the kind of things I read about in soppy old romance novels when I just needed to look at something that wasn’t art history. I’m being held and kissed and stroked and caressed and sweet whispers put to my ear that he loves me he can’t wait to marry me. I feel utterly overwhelmed and incredibly loved, absolutely blissful. My hands are pinned out to my sides but not with any strength, he entwines our fingers together and raises his body away from mine slightly. I do my best not to look down because when we get into this posi-tion and I can see him between my legs, his dick moving in and out of me, I cum so quickly. I lift my hips again grinding against his careful thrusts, wrapping my other leg around him too as tightly as I possibly can. I can feel heat just start to build start to pool and I know I’m going to break apart soon. His thrusts gain a little bit more force and momentum, hitting me in all the right places. My head tilts back and he comes back down plastering out bodies together again his face burying into the crook of my neck, kissing me gently across from my clavicle to shoulder.   
“I’m going to…” the heat starts to leak out of me slowly “…cum… Jared… I love you…”   
He lets go of my hands and pushes his hands behind my back, cradling me through my orgasm, kissing me, not breaking eye contact away from me “I love you too Amelia…” his moans take over from his words but they’re not over powering, they’re not reverberating around the room, they’re more an accompaniment to his soft kisses. As he cums there’s not loud cry or grunt, no shout of amazing pleasure just a happy sigh a deep breath and really soft low moan that comes from somewhere deep inside him.   
He kisses me again and moves away leaving us laying side by side, our hands clasped together be-tween us. At some point I’m put under the comforter and unusually I pool up to him just letting my body sling across his, letting my hand stroke through his chest hair as he puts kisses to the top of my head and we talk about the wedding, he’s going suit fitting tomorrow (everyone is here in Los Angeles so it would be dumb not to do it), we talk about my art and my book, he demands an au-tographed copy to take around with him, and that I have to fully explain things that he doesn’t un-derstand. I don’t know when I fell asleep, but I wake up to the dawn light breaking and Jared sit-ting on the end of the bed. At first I think something is really wrong, his shoulders are slumped forwards, his phone next to him.   
“Jared?” I crawl up the bed so I’m sat next to him still both naked, our feet dangling off the end, he looks as if he’s gone into shock “Jared?” I put my face nearer to his, his eyes seem to have tears in them and my heart beat picks up in response “Jared… what’s wrong? What’s happened?” I take his hand into mine and his mouth opens and his lips move but I don’t hear what he’s saying “What?”   
“I said…” he looks right at me in the eye “I’ve been nominated for an Oscar”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

I’m met by an assault of press when I leave the apartment garage, I hope they move on some-where else soon it freaks Amelia out. I know it’s one of the reasons she avoided life outside of her bubble. She’s been so good with the constant invasion since we’ve been together only it’s gotten worse since award season started, but she’s still next to me still holding my hand not letting go. And I don’t want her to ever let go so I really do hope they find someone else to bug soon so she can leave our home in her pyjamas without ending up on Perez again.   
I’m sure though that when I turn up to places without her on my arm people think we’ve split up, when nothing could be further from the truth. In fact one of the things I love the most about my wife to be is that she doesn’t feel the need to be constantly glued to my side, she’s more than a fashion accessory, something pretty on my arm to be gawked at, gossiped about and photo-graphed, she’s a whole person with her own interests and an awesome spirit of independence (even if she is stubborn as hell on occasion). Not that I don’t like it when she DOES accompany me to events, I love her sitting next to me in some kind of finery talking animatedly with whoever they sit us with, but I appreciate more than she’ll ever know that she doesn’t feel it necessary to go to all of them meaning I get to take my family as well.   
I’m so nervous about today, picking up my father and brother in law to be, the suits thing is not freaking me out anymore, we need suits I’m not getting married in sweatpants as much as I’d like to. Spending time alone with the other two important men in Amelia’s life is what’s scary as hell. What if they only like me for her sake? Am I going to get the ‘you hurt her we’ll hurt you’ speech? Shannon, Tomo and Jamie are meeting us at the store but before I get there I’ve got nearly an hour of hopefully not awkward conversation on the way. I have some huge questions to ask them and after they’ve got into the truck belted themselves in we exchange some pleasantries about last night and the events of this morning I dive in head first, taking a deep breath before I open my mouth because my Little Pea tells me nothing and I want to know more about the woman I’m mar-rying “What was she like as a child?”   
“A pain in the ass” Art rolls his eyes while looking out of the window and looking scarily like Amelia only with a beard   
“ARTHUR!”   
“What she was… sorry, I think we should have been the other way around, she should have been the younger one, when we were at school she never really had any friends, she had V but that was it and she would just be tormented for whatever reason people could think of I threw a few punches in her defence…”   
“And got suspended for it” Andrew rolls his eyes this time, god they’re so alike, I see nothing of Amelia in her Mom (except maybe her height or lack thereof…) but her dad and brother… the term ‘peas in a pod’ springs to mind   
“Why was she so disliked?” I am yet to meet a person who DOESN’T like her, I don’t understand how anyone could dislike her she’s funny, clever, vivacious…   
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed but she’s scarily intelligent, it’s daunting to other people, it always was, when she was in Kindergarten her class they painted these pictures and Amelia… god I can still see the dam thing now… painted these daubs which then dribbled down the page and it came to putting it up on the classroom wall Amelia insisted it should be hung with the dribbles running UP the page not down and the teacher corrected her and said that wasn’t how it was supposed to be and Amelia just looked her dead in the eye and said ‘IT’S ART IT DOESN’T CONFORM’ and stomped off, we got called into a parent teacher conference where we were told to brace ourselves as there was a good chance she had learning difficulties most likely autism… because she was con-stantly… disruptive was the term they used”   
“I had no idea” it would explain her OCD tendencies though and funny face twitching when she finds something in the wrong place   
“Yes well we took her for all the relevant testing where they said she’s not autistic, although she carries some of the traits what she really is was borderline genius and BORED hence the disruptive behaviour… BUT it was why she became a Doctor of Art at 26 she rattled through school, college, university, she was an unstoppable force of learning, input input input constantly needed to know new things we couldn’t keep up with her…. It was all over the place at first and we encouraged every whim she had, we thought maybe she’d be some kind of scientist or maybe become some kind of musical prodigy, but it was the art that stuck she understands it, it’s how her brain works, in pictures and brushstrokes, fluid motions, not numbers and lines…”   
“So essentially I’m marrying a genius?” I knew she was clever, I didn’t realise she was a genius   
“Evil genius” snorts Art yes I think I agree there “But the other kids didn’t like it, thought she thought she was above them when that wasn’t the case, I think for the majority of her childhood she would have given anything NOT to be so smart, that’s why they picked on here, among other reasons…”   
“So where does V come into all of this, I’ve never asked her, they just seemed to come as a pack-age and I never questioned it”   
“Two halves of whole those two, literally met in the sandbox on the first day of kindergarten and that was it, Amelia just decided then she didn’t need other friends because Veronica was all she ever needed and it didn’t change as they grew up, they even roomed together at college, in fact until you and Jamie came along I thought that maybe they’d just give up eventually and get mar-ried to each other seeing as their love lives were so disastrous beforehand”   
“Can I ask you about her illness?” this is a sore point, one that I get the subject changed on me if I bring it up, but when she complains of stomach aches I worry that her ulcers are coming back only to be assured they’re not, she’s hiding something, I’m sure of it but we see each other so little I don’t want a fight over something and upset her, I just want her to be happy all the time I’m home and all the time I’m not   
“She’s not told you about it?”   
“She told me she had stomach ulcers from ‘stress from being bullied’, I just thought there was more to it, but I get the subject changed on me… sorry I erm… care about her I don’t want there to be something wrong that I don’t know that could be important…”   
“Well obviously you care about her you’re marrying her and yes there’s more you’re right in think-ing that, she hides it away from everyone it’s not just you…” Andrew looks to me, then to Art who looks out of the window with sadness, Andrew’s gaze then turns to straight ahead like he can’t look at me “She was a tubby child, nothing wrong with it, nothing wrong with her health wise, she just wanted to read a book more than run around outside with the rest of them, until she got to high school and the bullying started about it, long story short she developed an eating disorder the ulcers were from her throwing up, we just didn’t see it, had no idea until she was literally just skin and bones, thought she was just losing the puppy fat and growing up, she was so clever at hiding it under her clothes… it was Veronica that told us, she literally saved her best friends life, there was an intervention then an inpatient facility and months of eating rehab, it was… it was terrifying” His gaze falls back to me finally “Now though… like last night watching her next to you, happy and EAT-ING, is just more than I could ever wish for, I didn’t think she’d make it at one point…”   
“Sorry I didn’t mean to upset you… I didn’t even think of an eating disorder not Amelia, she’s beautiful… why hasn’t she told me?” oh Little Pea, oh my Little Pea, how could you ever think you’re anything but beautiful? That explains why throwing up frightens her so much, it must bring it all back  
“She’s scared over people treating her differently which they do anyway because of her intelli-gence she’s better now, she knows when things get on top of her, she knows when there’s slip ups and she pulls herself out of it, the last thing Amelia needs or wants is people commenting on her eating habits”   
“I wouldn’t think on it too much Jared I’ve been with Katie for ten years and I think she only found out about it maybe five years ago when we thought it was back… it wasn’t though… she was just heartbroken and no one wants to eat when they feel like that do they?”   
“I just thought she was slim… and I’ve never noticed anything different in her eating habits, should I be watching her?”   
“No… when she went off to college Veronica kept a close eye on her and would report back, but she was over it, in fact when everyone else put on their freshman fifteen as it’s called Amelia just finally got a shape that wasn’t just thin… ANYWAY suits huh? This is the one time in my life I am going to own a suit that costs more than my first car, or maybe even my last car, so let’s make it a good one please?”   
The rest of the party was waiting for us as we arrived and the first thing I did was pull Jamie to one side leaving Shannon in charge of looking for suits there’s something more important right now “Did you know Amelia had an eating disorder?”   
“Yes didn’t you?” the best thing about Jamie is his honesty I knew he’d give me a straight answer without dancing round it   
“NO”   
“Oh erm, I thought you knew and it was just something you didn’t talk about, did her Dad tell you?”   
“Yeah” my voice is trembling my Little Pea was nearly never here for me to meet in the first place it’s a terrifying thought   
“Are you ok?” he puts his hand on my shoulder for reassurance, which I’m glad of I feel like I’m go-ing to fall over   
“I’m upset and worried”   
“I can see that, look from what V’s told me she’s fine now ok? Talk to her about it when you get home, suits for now…”   
RIGHT Head in the game Jared, there’s no sense in getting upset over something that happened twenty years ago, she’s fine now, I know she is I’ve never seen her skip meals, or binge, but what if she hides it so well? No I see her naked all the time, I’d know if she was losing weight, she’s been the same since we’ve been together no fluctuations, I just assumed she worked hard at keeping her weight constant but does she do it because of the ED? It explains why she always works out with her friend, so Veronica can keep an eye on her, make sure she’s staying healthy not stupid, Oh Amelia…  
Shannon pulls me out of my thought process and back into the room with a reassuring smile only a brother could   
Who knew choosing suits could be so complex? We all have to have the same thing, and what Shannon looks good in, looks stupid on Art and what Andrew looks good in swamps Jamie, me and Tomo look good in everything but everyone knows that. Eventually we all settle on something very similar to what Shannon wore to the Golden Globes, classic, black, fitted suits, white trim to the jacket, white shirts, and black skinny ties, we tried it with bow ties but looked like waiters, Jamie looked like some kind of deranged penguin. The clerk asked me what colour the pocket square wanted to be, did it need to match the colour scheme of the wedding? Colour scheme? SHIT I knew I should have brought one of those dam Moomin books with me, I bet it says in there… Do I want it to match the colour of her flowers? Am I supposed to know what colour they are? Or is it one of those it’s bad luck things? Should I just get white? She’ll wear a white dress I suppose, or maybe not… shit it I’m going to have to call her  
“Little Pea”   
“Lion Man” I’m not going to mention her ED even though it’s on the tip of my tongue   
“Do we have a colour scheme?”   
“Are we supposed to?” I laugh because she’s just as confused about all this as I am  
“I need to know for pocket squares”   
“What the fuck is a pocket square?” Borderline genius my fiancé…   
“Suit jacket, top pocket, sticks out slightly” I’m making gestures with my hand even though she can’t see me  
“You could have just said handkerchief”   
“Yes well this is fashion over function therefore pocket square…”   
“Just get white… NO ivory… NO… I mean yes ivory definitely ivory”   
“Ivory?”   
“Yes…”   
“Ok done, you’re not doing anything later are you? Can we stay in and watch a movie?”   
“Sure you ok?”   
“Yeah… I’m fine, I’ll talk to you later, I love you… you’re beautiful”   
“So you keep telling me… I love you too, don’t forget IVORY…”   
It’s early evening when I roll back into the apartment, there was lunch after the suits, and a round of dam good impressions of Norse gods from Jamie and Shannon while Art tried not to fall out of his chair laughing, I think he was just happy to be almost carefree and with guys for the day, no screaming babies and nagging wives. I wonder if Amelia will ever nag me? She doesn’t seem the type, but I could be wrong, I never thought her the type that would have an ED. I thought they on-ly affected people who were strung out, models actresses girls obsessed with their self-image not the Amelia’s of this world. I’ve seen and dated girls who’ve suffered with them before but they made it like an art, the art of not eating, wore it like a badge of honour pushing themselves to see how far they could take it… Everyone was convinced I had one, and even though I didn’t I could understand the mind set of getting thinner and how you could get hooked on it.   
She’s sat on the couch when I get in, her hair falling over the back of it. We’re going to tackle this now before I lose my courage and if there’s an argument we can make up there’s still a couple of days before I go again so I won’t leave without clearing the air first, I hope…   
“Hey…”   
“Well Hello to you too” I sit down on the couch next to her looping my arm around the back of her Beast is sat on her knee glaring at me “Good day? All suited? I hope my family behaved…” She leans over and puts the sweetest kiss to my lips at which point Beast decided he’d slope off to do cat things elsewhere I swear HE rolls his eyes at me as he jumps from her knee  
“Best behaviour from all, until the Thor impression in the sushi restaurant… but that was Shannon”   
“And my Dad’s encouragement probably…”   
“Amelia we need to talk…”   
She looks at me properly putting her ipad down next to her “Did you spend the entire budget on your suit?”   
“No… I know about your eating disorder” her face falls, she looks at her hands, her lip quivers just slightly her chest is rising and falling heavily “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”   
“And have you watch everything I eat for the rest of my life? Have you ask if I’ve eaten that day? Have people spy on me when you can’t watch me constantly?”   
“Amelia… you should have told me… please talk to me about it” she sighs deeply and I see her take a deep breath in she’s still looking at her hands not at me   
“Did my Dad tell you?”   
“Yes because I asked him about your illness, I knew something was up, I was worried, and rightfully so… Little Pea, I don’t know how you could ever think of yourself as anything but beautiful… look at me Amelia, please”   
She turns her gaze to me and looks me dead in the eye “I was fat”   
“I’m sure you weren’t”   
“No I really was, they kept telling me every day at school ‘fatty’ ‘chunk’ ‘piggy’ and that’s just the PG version of it… the worst part of it was I could never see how thin I’d gotten I thought I was still fat when I was just skin and bones”   
“Your Dad said V saved you”   
“I’d been wearing baggy clothes for months, hiding my arms and legs, wearing long sleeves even in summer because I was trying to hide my fat, not hide my thinness… I’d had a bad day the day be-fore and binged massively and then purged, but I couldn’t get it to stop, I just kept throwing up, and I was on the floor in the girls bathrooms at school head over the bowl and I was burning up just flushing she was in there with me, trying to get me to go to the nurse, and I was just sweating so much I finally took my jacket off, she didn’t say anything, I didn’t know until years later that she was stood over me crying because of what she saw… She didn’t take me to the nurse but when I got home from my after school stuff she’d told my parents…”   
“How bad was it?”   
“My organs were nearly at the point of failing… I had blisters and ulcers in my stomach and throat from throwing up and not eating for days at a time, my stomach was literally eating itself… I weighed 65lb…”   
“Oh Amelia how long did it take you to get better?”   
“A LONG time… there was therapy that was the most important part of it, learning to eat again without throwing up, learning to like what I see in the mirror…”   
“Do you like what you see now?”   
She shrugs and looks down again not at me “It’s ok I guess, bits of me wobble, and I always have cellulite and stretch marks, but I remind myself that its normal to have those things… I’m healthy, I look after myself, is that an answer?”   
“You know I think you’re beautiful right?” she smiles with a half nod “I mean it Amelia to me you are utterly divine from the bump on the end of your nose to your fantastic legs especially when they’re wrapped around me… and everything in between”   
“Are you worried about it coming back?”   
“Yes… What would make that happen?”   
“Fat comments, that’s why the paps freak me out so much, they just have to catch me at the wrong angle and it’ll be all over the internet with comments about my weight”   
“And if there EVER is I will come down on them so hard, I will sue them and I will break them till there’s nothing left ok? I would do anything for you…”   
“How did I get so lucky?”   
“I ask myself the same thing…” I tuck her hair behind her ear, there’s a couple of tears that have splashed down her face, I make a note to talk to V about this at some point, maybe just to thank her, for saving Amelia, if not she might not have been here for me to marry “Have you eaten?” SHIT “Sorry what I meant was would you like to get a takeout or I can cook…”   
“Take out is fine, thank you… sorry I didn’t tell you I should have…”   
“Are there any other secrets I should know?”   
She strokes her tongue across her bottom lip in thought “Not that I can think of right now…. Thank you for being so understanding…”   
I wrap my arm tighter around her, squashing her up to me, putting a kiss to the top of her head “I couldn’t not be, you’re my world Little Pea… I’m sorry you ever had to go through that and from now on, I will protect you from all that is bad ok?”   
I expect an argument, one of her I’m an independent woman speeches but instead she snuggles herself closer to me pushing one of her arms behind my back and the other across my front squeezing me tight “OK… seeing as you said that… can you start now and protect me from the GI-ANT spider in the bath? I really need to pee and can’t go in there in case it gets me…”   
Amelia Henry I love you, never change…


	7. Chapter 7

He’s been watching me they’re all watching me I know they are. Shannon though is treating me as normal, and I actually asked him in the end if he knew about my past, about my ED and he just shrugged and said that it didn’t change who I was and that was all that really mattered and went back to asking me if me and V would make sure Char was ok while he was away.   
Jared calmed down eventually but it took him nearly a week of virtually babysitting me at meal times, and oh so many questions, right down to my therapists name in case he ever needs to call her again. I don’t think anyone has ever cared so much, but then he’s the only one of my… men… that has ever known about it. Maybe if some of the others had too things would have been differ-ent but then I wouldn’t get to wake up next to sleeping lion everyday… Well not every day because he’ll be gone again soon.   
We get as far with wedding things as we can, which includes sending out the official invitations, and apparently it’s traditional to have both bride and grooms FULL names on them, Jared doesn’t know my middle name, and it’s going to stay that way for as long as I can let it  
“I could just look on your passport…”   
“Not on there, not required by law”   
“Birth Certificate”   
“At my parent’s house”   
“I assume it starts with an A?”   
“You can assume all you want it’s not going on the invite and that’s that, I know for a FACT that my brother’s middle name was left off his invite therefore I don’t have to have my name on mine”   
“NO it’s going on, and I’m going to find out what it is and I‘m going to do it by guessing…” We’re sat on the couch side by side, ipad each in our laps, both swaddled in pyjamas and stupid socks I don’t think we’ve left the apartment for over two days, and it’s not because the paps are lurking, Jared threatened to sue them unless they stayed away, so they’re long gone, and I’m very grateful for that. We’re just cocooning ourselves for a while that’s all. We sat on the roof and looked at the moon that counts as going outside right? “OK SO…your Dad called his children Amelia and Arthur because he’s a historian, although I always wonder why he didn’t call you Anastasia, perhaps your Mom thought it was some kind of bad luck after the Russian princess disappeared…”   
“My Mom picked both mine and my brother’s first names” I said that with a sigh still looking at my ipad trying to work out where I want seats to go and if I want there to be a top table, I’d rather there wasn’t to be honest people staring at me… Plus it would only end up lopsided as there are more Groomsmen than Bridesmaids   
“Hmmm meaning your Dad picked out names that your Mom thought were unsuitable but agreed to them being your middle names”   
“You’re not Sherlock Holmes” He’s watched season three about five times in the past week while shouting HA! A LOT… The Lion Detective, I’ll get him a deerstalker for Christmas, or maybe one of those safari hats seeing as deer don’t live in the… wherever it is lions live   
“Of that I’m aware Amelia, but I further deduce…” I roll my eyes at him dramatically before he con-tinues “That your Dad as well as being a historian by trade is something of a broad reader, so he possibly picked names from classic literature, more than likely Shakespearean, your middle name is… not Ophelia because Amelia Ophelia is ridiculous, no… Rosaline, yes… Amelia Rosaline Henry I’ll call the printers shall I?”   
“Wrong…” I look back to my ipad screen when I realise he’s not got it, he’s not far off, but he’s not really warm… yet…  
“DAMMIT! I’m close though aren’t I? I got something right… you know I could just call your Dad but this is more fun”   
“If you’re bored we could leave the apartment and go out somewhere, I’m sure your Mom would love to see you” I look away from the ipad screen and up at him, he’s just sat staring at me, his ipad screen dark meaning he’s been sat looking at me for a while   
He waves his hand in front of my face “Mom’s coming with us for a week I don’t need to see her before I go, you on the other hand are not… ANYWAY what part was I right about? Literature, yes, you are named after a character in a book and so is Art, in fact I bet they’re from the same book, but what?”   
“Do you already know?”   
“No…” I glare at him “REALLY I don’t… RIGHT I think whatever this book is was popular when your parents were in their youths probably in the 1950’s something that was the Harry Potter of their generation… LORD OF THE RINGS YOU ARE NAMED AFTER A LORD OF THE RINGS CHARACTER”   
SHIT “Erm…”   
“HA! I’m right, nearly there…” He does that thing where he strokes his beard in thought “You wouldn’t be Arwen BUT I bet Art is Aragorn because it starts with an A and Arthur Aragorn has a certain ring to it” He’s actually got this, I have no idea how, I think he already knew, just likes to play… “There aren’t any more female characters that start with the letter A…”   
HA! He’s stumped now! “I never said it started with the letter A” I’m going to give him that or this could go on for weeks and there’s so much to do   
“In which case you are Amelia Eowyn” Nope… but he knows he’s wrong because he’s looking at me all blue eyes staring into my soul, while he fiddles with the end of his nose “OH… Galadriel… why would you hide that it’s beautiful… Amelia Galadriel Henry, you sound like a fucking queen, Galadriel was queen wasn’t she? God my name is boring Jared Joseph, maybe I should make up another name to make myself sound more regal because it sounds like a pauper marrying a prin-cess”   
“A+ for sleuthing there JJ but it’s still not going on the invitation…” I hardly ever call him JJ, only if he’s being annoying because I know it annoys him   
“Please… your highness, it’s beautiful, Amelia Galadriel Leto, I like it, in fact I love it”   
“Art didn’t have to have his…”   
He holds his hand up towards my face AGAIN “Because Katie doesn’t have a middle name does she? So it was Katherine and Arthur, I do have a middle name therefore yours needs to be on there too…”   
“I’m going to lose here aren’t I?” He leans over to me and kisses me so hard I’m taken by surprise and nearly topple off the couch   
We’re nose to nose after he steadied me from falling “Not lose, perhaps admit defeat… so I’ll call the printers then shall we go out for food?”   
It’s strange being outside after being indoors for so long, Jared said we should just get a drive through something and then we could stay in our pyjamas. In fact it took me half an hour just to persuade him to leave Beast in the apartment where he was perfectly happy on Jared’s armchair and that he didn’t like being carried around in his man bag. It took me even longer to persuade him to get dressed and then he’s still in his pj top with sweatpants.   
We end up in an Indian restaurant in the ass end of nowhere, so far out of Hollywood, I wonder if we’re actually in Los Angeles anymore but the food is SO good and I didn’t drive so I am not going to start complaining. He orders for me, not because he’s worried I’ll pick something low in calories or small but because I’m not familiar with Indian food and he knows what I like. Jared Leto knows what I like to eat, what perfume I like to wear, and exactly how to make me cum… quickly… still doesn’t feel real, maybe I’ll wake up one day and it’ll just all have been a dream.   
“What is this? It’s so fucking good”   
“Naan bread… try this you’ll like it, it’s mango…”   
“Really? I freaking love mango” He pushes a silver dish towards me with what looks like jelly in it, I’ll take his word for it, it looks kind of strange  
“I know…” he looks over his loaded fork at me with a smile that could light up the Hollywood sign. Don’t go Jared, don’t go… “You look thoughtful…”   
“I wish you didn’t have to go…” this mango stuff is amazing, note to self, buy jar of it   
“Are you not excited about Japan and Thailand though?” I really am excited, I am flying out with V AND Char for the last three tour dates before a break so when I get on the plane home, Jared will be next to me. Plus I’m kind of hoping me and V (and Char I’m sure) can get up to some mischief in Bangkok, I mean I’m open to doing some cultural things with Jared as I’m sure he’ll want to go up a mountain or something but to be honest I just want to see lady boys and hookers firing ping pong balls out of their vaginas “NO ping pong balls Amelia…”   
“WHY NOT?” My curry is AMAZING, I’m going to learn how to make this, my mouth isn’t on fire, and I’m not breaking out in a hot sweat, I’m going to let Jared order my food for me more often I think   
“OH sorry I thought we were talking about YOU and ping pong balls” AND I just nearly choked on a piece of broccoli you ass “Here drink some water…”   
“I hate you” I think I’m bright red now, partially from choking, partially from ping pong balls   
“No you don’t you LOVE me, you’re marrying me remember… but I will miss you, more than you know, I wish I could just have you with me all the time, but then you wouldn’t be you would you? My reason to come home” He puts his fork down and reaches his hand across the table to mine, stroking his thumb across the back of it “SO no sads ok? No sitting with your head on my piano…”   
“How did you know? Did V tell you?”   
“No, your fingertips Amelia I’m quite familiar with them you see along with that slightly tinted pink candy flavoured lip gloss you wear, and there’s always the imprint of both of them on the lid when I come home”   
“Sorry”   
“Don’t be sorry about missing me, have you not noticed anything missing when I go?”   
He’s stealing my panties I fucking knew it, I’m going to lock my underwear drawer, but thinking on it I don’t think any are missing “No…”   
“For a genius, you’re incredibly unobservant” he lets go of my hand and I have a couple more mouthfuls of my curry as he watches me, I worry now about not clearing my plate in case he thinks I’m starving myself there really is A LOT of food Jared I’ll pop… He’s smiling at me now though, not looking at my plate “Your cushion”   
“My what?”   
“Your cushion…” that’s what I thought he said   
“I think I’d notice a whole cushion disappearing”   
“Not if I bought one exactly the same”   
“You are officially making NO sense” The waiter brings the bill over and I put my card down before he even has his wallet out, I’ve gained lightning fast reflexes on paying bills since we’ve been to-gether it bugs the hell out of him, but it’s the twenty first century a woman should be able to pay for her fiancés dinner if she chooses.  
“Your cushion with the Where the Wild Things Are face on it, the one you always have your head on when you lay on the couch, I erm… it’s in the bottom of my case, I have it in bed with me when you’re not”   
“But it’s still on the couch I put my ipad on it earlier”   
“I bought another one, and took the old one with me…” the waiter has come back with my card and I’m up from my seat sliding my jacket back on, Jared doing the same “Then when I come home I swap them back, making sure I take the old one with me and leave the new one on the couch”   
“How long have they been different?”   
“About a year…”   
“A YEAR? Why?”   
“It smells like you, it feels like home” he just shrugs at me over the top of the car pulling the keys out of his pocket, he’s so… something…   
“You’re so weird” And what’s even weirder is sitting in the passenger seat of MY car, but Jared seems to like driving this more than his truck, maybe I should just drive the truck?   
“And you love me for it” He leans over and kisses me, making my lips burn instantly from the spice in his own curry “Let’s go home and make out… Amelia Galadriel”   
“OK but you’re wiping your lips first… Jared Joseph”   
******************************************************************************************************  
He’s leaving again, at a really odd time. Something like 02:33, why not just 02:30 or 02:00? Airline times are WEIRD. Emma and Shayla come round and help him pack his case, which I’m sure he’s more than capable of doing himself but at least if they’re doing it I know they won’t pack the cat. Jared has been trying to train Beast like he’s a dog a really small lap dog and he really did take him out to the Lab in his man bag to see Shannon and then they both took him for Drive Thru Star-bucks. AND it ended up all over the internet. Because, hello two grown men and A CAT in a car is kind of weird, never mind two LETO’S and a cat in a pick-up truck. Beast? Oh he loved it, they got him an espresso cup of cream and he sat on Shannon’s knee for the whole trip. My fiancé is not quite right… I’ll still miss him like crazy though.   
The second Emma and Shayla leave with his luggage (and NOT the cat) I’m pulled into the bedroom and stripped out of my clothes, and we get under the covers and just lay there, wrapped round each other, naked. Sometimes, just sometimes, cuddling that becomes fucking and then fucking becoming cuddling again is the best thing in the world. There’s hours of stopping and starting and positions that are made up on the spot because you’re so comfy wrapped around each other but you need to be attached just that little bit more. Then everything becomes a bit frantic and heated and there’s pulling around coming from both of us, I’m pushed on my back, he’s pushed on to his and there’s so much head given. I have flashbacks of last time we spent a day like this and what happened after he left so we slow down again. I get up to go and make tea but instead I’m pushed up against the wall behind the bed, him on his knees in front of me pulling my legs around his waist and I’m bounced, there is no other word for it, on his dick, my back scraping against the wall so hard there’ll be a friction burn there. After hours of gentle caressing his animal side comes out to play and its exciting being aggressively pinned against something, just tossed around and held up like a rag doll, like I weigh nothing. I drag my finger nails across his back which causes him to push me harder into the wall behind me, I’m glad the bed is too heavy to move or it would be moving with us right now.   
“Jesus fucking Christ JARED” He doesn’t respond with words just thrusts harder and faster grunting into my ear, biting my neck, I can’t put into words how it’s making me feel, I’ve felt like I’ve been on the verge of cumming for hours   
“You’re going to cum Amelia you’re going to break apart against me, knees shaking…” my hips clash against his, me pushing down him pushing up, friction building all over my body, my heart rate speeding up, my breath coming in short spurts against his skin “…pussy tightening…”   
“Oh holy fuck…” my fingernails dig so hard into his back I’m sure I’ve got his skin under my nails and I think for a moment I’ve hurt him, pushed his pain for pleasure receptor just a little bit too far as his makes this strangled noise but quickly we’re nose to nose, he’s staring into my eyes, watching me just fall apart in orgasm. He grips his fingers into my butt where he’s holding me and cums, making one of those heavenly sounds that will still be ringing in my ears even when he’s thousands of miles away. He doesn’t let go straight away but my legs release from around his waist slightly, and I’m kissed sweetly. I don’t know how he does it, one minute I’m being fucked, the next I’m being loved. It’s like there’s a switch that I pushed in him, sometimes though like earlier when it gets stuck between the two and love is made, my toes curls and I feel like I’m in a nest of light and warmth. I wouldn’t change him for the world.   
We shower together and he does a really soppy thing of washing his hair with my shampoo so he will smell like me, or so he tells me, I think he just likes it making his hair really shiny. We eat a final dinner together, one that I’ve cooked without any help and it’s actually pretty good. Sometimes when he leaves it feels like one of us is going to die because we do all these last things together, it’s six weeks this time, six long fucking weeks, but I’ve got so much coming up hopefully it will go quickly… its Char I’m worried about, she’s been virtually living with Shannon at the Lab, it’ll be worse for her than it will for the rest of us because it’s the first time. It doesn’t get easier… you just get used to it. He says goodbye to Beast who looks totally nonplussed for a moment then goes to sleep on top of his backpack while Jared does a final check to make sure he’s got everything from the apartment.   
For the first time I drive Jared to LAX, usually a car picks him up or a bus if he’s going just cross country but as his luggage (bar his backpack with the Where the Wilds Things are Cushion in it for the plane) has already gone with Emma and Shayla he decided he wanted me to take him. I drive so slowly there, taking the slightly longer route, I know he misses Los Angeles while he’s away, the lights, the sprawl of the city, even the smog and crazies. I really don’t want a massive emotional farewell under the gaze of the rest of the airport so we say our goodbyes in the parking garage for long haul flights.   
“Right Little Pea, I gotta go do a thing…”   
“I’ll see YOU in Asia Lion Man” I go to undo my seat belt and get out of the car with him but he holds my hand in place   
“Don’t… I want some time to compose myself from here to departures it breaks my heart when I have to leave you…” He puts his arms around me as tight as he can, kisses me quickly on the lips then puts one to the end of my nose “Good Bye Amelia”   
“Good Bye Jared” He gets out of the car, pulling his backpack from the back seat and closes the door. Shit I forgot to… I wind the window down not caring there’s people milling around and stick my head out as he walks away “I love you”   
He doesn’t look back but raises his arm in the air and calls back “I love you more…”   
I was right it is worse for Char, she almost goes into some kind of melt down for the first couple of days and I get so worried about her that I demand she comes and stays with me. There’s a bed somewhere in the spare room slash office buried under mountains of clothes, and even though she insists the couch is fine, I make an effort to clear the bed, and tell her just not to look under-neath it. Normally when she’s not half living with Shannon she lives with a flat mate but she’s away a lot on business, I think she’s a travelling salesperson for the company Char works for… could be wrong though… and she’s not there for the first two weeks of Shannon being away, so I pick her up from work we go get her some clothes and I bring her home with me. I refuse to leave her cry-ing on her kitchen floor alone. I had V, and now Char has both of us. It totally confuses Shannon and Jared for about a day, because I thought Char had told Shannon she was with me and Char thought I’d told Jared she was with me so we’re both texting them things about what we’re doing which of course was exactly the same as we’re both together. It’s not until Jared facetimes me and we both answer that the confusion is cleared up. Shannon sends me a bunch of flowers to my studio to say thank you and I take them home to find an even bigger bunch for Char from Jared for taking care of me. In short they’re idiots and I have a new but temporary flat mate.   
AND she does clear up after herself, I tell Jared I’m marrying her instead because she puts towels back on radiators and washes dishes, he points out she doesn’t have a dick and he doubts I’ll go gay in six weeks so he’s not worried. He’s so fucking sure of himself that one… I miss him so much, Beast cries for days after he goes, just sitting by the door, then stops as someone comes in and when he realises it’s not Jared he goes back to sitting behind the door crying. He is cat though and cat is fickle so he gives up after a week.   
V stays for a weekend and we have a bizarre teenage slumber party, but for women in their 30’s, sitting in onesies drinking a vast quantity of alcohol and then drunkenly crooning or rather slurring to Sugar we’re Going Down by Fall Out Boy, at the time though we thought we were so good that we recorded it and sent it not only to Jared, Shannon and Jamie, but also to Tomo, Vicki, Emma, Shayla… Constance… anyone else we could think of. I’m put to bed with a bucket by my head by V and Char, when I wake up having NOT had to use the bucket I’ve got an equally as stupid video that’s been sent to my phone of all the people who are away singing Don’t Stop Believin’ by Jour-ney.   
Char goes back to her own apartment and I’m left thinking about not only how it’s now kind of lonely without her, but how lonely I must have been without noticing before Jared came along in the first place. What did I do when I didn’t have him? I must have just been in a coma of art, writing and ever lingering heartbreak. Maybe everyone was right, I was too independent for my own good, and although I will deny it vigorously still, I really do like having someone to love me, to make me feel complete, feel wanted, needed, desired. Just a shame he’s half way round the world without me most of the time.  
I try not to… I really do… But I soon find myself sat on the piano stool, I lower the lid because I’m always worried that I’ll get sticky fingers on the keys, or painty fingers I don’t know which would be worse. Closing it there’s a note that’s been hidden behind the upright lid, Jared’s writing on a plain white envelope that simply says ‘I miss you too Amelia’ I don’t know what time it is where he is or if he’s on stage right now, or being interviewed I just know I need to talk to him  
“Well that took two and a half weeks before you went there”   
“How do you know why I’m calling you?”   
“Because it’s the middle of the night where I am and nothing’s wrong, so I assume you found the note…” I hear him yawn loudly and I feel so guilty about waking him but there’s always that thought just floating at the back of my mind that he’s with someone else, but all I hear is deathly silence in the background “Hang on Little Pea I’ll facetime your ipad ok? I want to see you” I wipe my tears away after putting my phone down, his ringtone blasting out from my ipad seconds later “That’s better, oh Little Pea you’ve been crying…”   
He’s in his bunk not a hotel I hope I’ve not woken everyone else up too “I miss you so much”   
“I know… I do too, are you home alone now? All the Mars ladies returned to their own proper-ties?”   
“Yeah…” The tears are spilling down my face before I can stop them this is definitely hormones he left two and a half weeks ago I had been back to backing pill packets as he was home, and I took my last one yesterday so it’s definitely PMT attack “Sorry…”   
“Oh Amelia…” I can see my cushion mixed into his mess of sheets and pillows “You’ll make me cry”   
“You’re Jared Leto you don’t cry over girls…”   
“I don’t cry over girls no, I cry over the woman I love, the woman I’m going to marry being so far away from me, not being here next to me where she should be, and not just for the fucking Ame-lia but everything else…” he looks like he’s going to cry too and I can see him swallow before he carries on “it’s the little things that are the hardest…”   
“I didn’t mean to make you sad”   
“You don’t make me sad Amelia you make me happier than I’ve ever been it’s the miles between us that make me sad… what time is it there?”   
“A little after midnight”   
“It’s nearly 6am here, do me a favour, go get ready for bed and when you’re all tucked in call me back… promise ok?”   
“Sure…” what was he up to? I wasn’t really in the mood for Satan to come out and play, plus I’d hidden it so well when my guests had been over I can’t actually remember where I put it in the first place… I pulled my onesie on, brushed my teeth, wiped the last of my make-up away and slathered on my ridiculously over-priced face cream which I’m not entirely sure actually does any-thing other than come in really pretty packaging (totally not the reason I bought it in the first place… AT ALL) crawled under the covers, found a way of propping up my ipad and THEN I called him back “Ok I’m in bed… but I don’t know where Satan is…”   
“It’s in a bag at the back of the set of drawers in the bedroom closet”   
“How did you know that?”   
“You told me… ANYWAY, turn the light off please…”   
“What are we doing?”   
“We’re going to sleep turn off the light Little Pea” I carefully reached over and turned off the bed-side lamp without managing to knock the ipad out of position “I love you sleep tight”   
“I love you too I don’t understand though…”   
“Go to sleep Amelia” this wasn’t going to work, I never sleep well when he’s away, I’m too used to him sleeping next to me, I never fall asleep like I do when he’s here i.e. within minutes as opposed to hours. The bed feels empty and my body is cold and too light without him thrown across me. But closing my eyes and just letting myself HEAR him breathing… shuffling in his bunk it was… calming, soothing, I didn’t feel as sad anymore maybe we could do this again and I’ll get a hot water bottle and attach it to a pillow and throw it over myself. I started to think about how ridiculous that would be and the next thing I know its 8am and my alarm is ringing out. Thank you Lion Man.  
******************************************************************************************************  
Its flight day, I can’t believe it’s actually here I can’t believe it’s been six weeks already. It’s gone so quick and so slow all at the same time. The book I’ve written part of has had its date of publishing pushed back AGAIN over legalities about something said about some artist who’s dead and their family is kicking up a fuss, such is life as an art historian… Say someone lived a rich and cultured life-style and you’re fine, say someone was a misogynistic alcoholic and you’re in trouble oh so much trouble.   
I’ve been persuaded to fly first class to Japan, kind of by Jared but mostly by V and Char who wouldn’t let me sit in coach by myself AND seeing as it’s the record company paying to fly us out there we may as well make the most of it. I’ve got a stack of papers that need Jared’s signature for wedding things, I’ve still not got a dress, I’ve got an idea of what I want a dress like but haven’t found one yet. The idea of making my own is looking more and more appealing… Because having someone design and make me one? HELLA expensive, more than the venue expensive.   
Char and V are meeting me at my apartment and we’re being picked up from here (I live nearest to the airport being the reason above anything else). Beast has been deposited once again my par-ent’s house, and wouldn’t get in his crate for the journey so I had to drive with him sitting on the passenger seat looking out of the window, which of course ended up on the internet (mostly via Jared and the pictures I sent him, fucker). As soon as we got to my parent’s he hopped out of the car walked straight in the house and flumped out on my old bed again under the Jordan Catalano poster that was still hanging up (I really should take that down) he’s such an odd cat. I’m thankful that this time my Mom isn’t going all misty eyed as I leave but she makes me promise that we won’t get married in Thailand because she’s colour coordinated her outfit with Constance already. What is it with people and the colours of my wedding? Black and Ivory, simple, done, stop trying to throw in egg white and cornflower pastel fucking pink or whatever, Jesus…   
I have my usual pre-flight panic attack about an hour before Char and V arrive so I neck two Valleys and hope for the best. Jared gets a slur of incoherent texts to which he just replies ‘see you tonight x’ and by the time my flight buddies arrive at the apartment I think I’m already flying high, I’m so happy and so floaty light and smiley. Lovely.   
“I’m pregnant” Oh Christ what? I’m high but I am not high enough for that to be the first sentence out of anyone’s mouth   
“Hello Char, come in… V’s here already, erm... maybe you should sit down?”   
“Thanks” Char leaves her wheelie case and backpack in the doorway and throws herself down on the couch next to V  
“What’s going on?” V looks up from her book she’d bought to read on the flight and has started reading already because apparently my conversation isn’t scintillating enough for her   
“I’m pregnant”   
“Oh great a pregnancy freak out AND a pre-flight panic attack, it’s you TWO that should be getting married, you’re perfect for each other”   
I take a seat on the edge of the coffee table still too nervous about flying (despite the Valleys) to sit down properly “OK let’s start at the beginning here Char…”   
“Well there’s usually a mummy rabbit and a daddy rabbit and daddy rabbit puts his…”   
“VERONICA!”   
“Sorry… sorry… Char the floor is yours”   
“I don’t understand how it could happen I have those injection things you know, and I’m good at getting them on time and…”   
“Well then false alarm, Emmy has these all the time, even when Jared’s not been in the same fucking country as her”   
“No my period is like clockwork like fucking clockwork and it’s LATE”   
“How late?” Good question me maybe I’m not that high after all   
“Three weeks”   
“It’s probably just stress of Shannon being away it’s thrown your routine and sync out that’s all…”   
“Yeah see but then there’s been the throwing up”   
“Oh… shit” helpful Veronica   
“Yeah I thought I had a bug, or maybe I was just excited slash nervous about this trip”   
“Anything else?”   
“My boobs hurt like HELL”   
“OH CRAP” and still REALLY helpful Veronica   
“Exactly! What the fuck am I going to do? I can’t have a baby…” Char stands up from the couch and starts pacing up and down behind it which is making me feel dizzy “I mean I love Shannon yes, but we’ve barely been together five minutes properly, we can’t have a BABY, we don’t live together, he’s never here…”   
“Have you told Shannon?” good question that V, I can’t get my words out coherently right now, Char’s pacing is making me want to put my head between my knees   
“NO, oh god…”   
“Have you taken a test I don’t think anyone should be having a panic attack until you’ve actually taken a test, Emmy?”   
“Oh yeah right sorry there’s loads in the bathroom cabinet”   
“Shit… sorry… I didn’t… are you and Jared trying for a baby and then I’ve come along and got acci-dentally knocked up? Shit sorry…”   
“WHAT? NO… I freak out every month about being pregnant, so Jared bought me a load of tests kind of as a joke, his sense of humour is weird, so yeah… use one of the Clear Blue ones they work best on early testing” She disappears into the bathroom leaving me and V sat shrugging at each other and mouthing ‘oh shit’ back and forth. Even V who was all for having a baby decided against it in the end because of how much Jamie will not be here this year, and as good a friends as we are, a woman should be supported by her other half through her first pregnancy, especially if they’re married. There’s a lot of clonking around coming from the bathroom, cabinets being opened and closed, the toilet flushing “Char?”   
“Didn’t even have to wait three minutes… came up within thirty seconds… oh how ironic thirty sec-onds… anyway I am 100% pregnant, seven weeks as well, SHIT, what the fuck am I going to do?”   
“Well first Veronica is going to find out if it’s safe to fly and travel to where we are going in the first trimester aren’t you?” I’m handed the positive pregnancy test for closer inspection which indeed does say seven weeks pregnant, oh shit  
“Yes…” V pulls her phone out of her pocket and gets to work I think it’s only the third trimester you can’t fly, but better safe than sorry   
“I’m going to call Shannon, now, and tell him I’m not coming and stay here and hide until I work out what to do”   
“AGAIN it’s you two that should be getting married…”   
“Ok Char, it’s going to be ok… Shan he’s not a… he’s not what he was, he loves you, and this is all going to be ok, he’s just going to be a Daddy Bear now that’s all”   
“Daddy Bear?”   
“Do you not think he sometimes looks like a bear?” Probably the Valium talking there Amelia, get a grip there’s a crisis afoot  
“According to Dr Google you’re good to go, but you need to see an OBGYN when you get back, well when we all get back you know what I mean…”   
“I’m going to have to tell him aren’t I?”   
“Well I think he’s going to notice that you start you know… growing…” my arms make exaggerated stomach gestures which is probably not gonna help one bit   
“OH GOD” Char’s back on the couch head on her knees, pale as a sheet, V rubbing a comforting hand across her back still looking a bit bewildered. I told you Veronica no contraception is a 100% fool proof, apart from NOT having sex, and Jared and Shannon are the biggest fools I know, it’s bound to end in disaster somewhere  
“I think he’ll be happy”   
“Really?”   
“Really… right Emmy?”   
I lean forward and take her hand in mine, so glad this isn’t me, but happy for Shannon all at the same time, I’ll take another Valley when we’re in the air I think… yes… good idea… oh right shit cri-sis… “I’m sure he will take the test with you to show him ok?”   
The door buzzer goes signalling that the car is here to take us to LAX “Right… you’re right… sorry…”   
“Don’t be sorry, I’d be so freaked out right now, and so would V, despite her calmness she’d be running round in circles in her head”   
“She’s right… COME ON, Asia awaits, let’s get you to Daddy Bear HUH?”   
We all make our way to the door collecting purses and wheelie cases “You’ve got the test right Emmy? Can you put it in my rucksack it’s that one right there…” She points as the buzzer goes AGAIN distracting me from what I was doing… what was I doing? Oh right test in bag… it’s not in my hand anymore, I must have put it in her bag without thinking, fucking Valleys, at least I’m calm. Wish I could say the same about Char though… Can pregnant women take Valium? Google…  
We arrive in a foggy Japan (sadly with no Godzilla sightings on the way) god knows how many hours later, I took another TWO Valleys on the plane, because it’s really long and Char was crying and I didn’t know what to do and… All I want is to face plant on to a bed and sleep for a day right now. Emma had sent someone from the tour company to meet us in Tokyo airport and we’re bun-dled into a car and taken to the hotel, thank god not the bus if Char’s going to tell Shannon she’s pregnant I don’t want to be in a confined space with either of them when it either explodes or im-plodes. Everyone is at the venue for tonight’s show already, V goes straight there after dumping her bags, Char says she needs to think and I still just want to sleep. I know Jared will understand, plus this is the first gig here in a couple of years so he’ll be being Jared Leto showman and I don’t want to pull him away from fans that have been waiting years to meet him and look at his amazing hair up close so I leave Char in the corridor, after hugging her tight and reassuring her again it’ll all be ok… Stumble into the room pull off my clothes pull on one of Jared’s t-shirts that’s been aban-doned on the floor and I really do face plant on the bed, asleep in seconds…


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

She’s here, or at least my phone says she’s here, I alarmed it with the time of her plane landing and true to form it rings out with a text tone seconds after the alarm saying she’s exhausted and going to sleep, she hopes I understand. Of course I do Little Pea, I’m just glad you’re on the same continent as me again.   
I can’t wait to see her, kiss her hold her… fuck her. I can’t remember the last time I went SIX WEEKS without sex, long before there was an Amelia in my life that’s for sure. Before her I would have just found someone who was willing and keen when I felt the urge and then dropped them back off from wherever I found them afterwards. But now… It doesn’t matter how frustrated I get or how easy it would be to give in to temptation, I know that a five minute fumble for the sake of my own gratification would not be worth losing a lifetime of happy love making with her. She would throw my ass out in a heartbeat if I cheated it’s just not worth it not to me not losing her she’s my world. So for the past six weeks I have had to take myself in hand sometimes with some help from her via the magic of the internet sometimes without. It’s starting to get uncomfortable, note to self Jared four weeks maximum time apart from now on because after the fifth week your balls hurt from nearly sitting on them…   
Seeing V at the venue doesn’t help matters, because as soon as I hug her hello I get a waft of home, the scent of Amelia drifting up my nose from where she’s been sat next to her on the plane all sweet like candy. V tells me she’d had to take FOUR Valium, FOUR? Little Pea your flying panic is getting worse, maybe I should take her to a hypnotist? No wonder she just wanted to sleep. I’m surprised I don’t see Char but Shannon told me she’s never been outside of the US so a however many hours flight to Asia will have been hard on her, it wouldn’t surprise me if they’ve just passed out together on the same bed. If I didn’t know how much Amelia loves my dick I’d be worried I was losing her to a GIRL.   
The show goes without a hitch, Tomo stays behind to sign autographs for the fans outside while me and Shannon slip out the side door before the house lights have come back up after we’ve left the stage. I’ve never seen Shannon like this, he’s so into Char, wants her to move into the house he’s building when it’s finished, maybe he’d the say the same about me with Amelia… I’m so excit-ed to see her, I half expected to look over to stage side and see her there waving at me, trying not to get lost in a shower of fortune cookie paper, but no and I’ve not had any text messages either so I assume she’s still in a Valium coma.   
Slipping into the room quietly in case she is still asleep I see the bed empty but hear the shower running, what’s better than her being on the same continent as me right now? Her being naked wet slippery and on the same continent as me right now JUST on the other side of that door. I’m letting my dick take over here, there’s no point in denying it. Right Mrs Leto to be, sorry this isn’t going to last long or be in any way graceful but we’ve got all night.   
“Amelia?” I can’t see anything in the bathroom there’s so much steam she’s in here somewhere though I’m sure “Amelia?”   
“If you’re not naked then don’t talk to me…” I see her push her naked body against the glass of the shower cubicle, god it’s good just to hear her voice let alone see her tits squashed up against something like that. My clothes are off in record time even for me, although I do nearly trip over my own trousers trying to get them off so quick. My dick is literally twitching at the sound of her voice, the smell of her shampoo, the silhouette of her naked form  
“Ok I’m naked can I talk to you yet?” She looks me up and down as I open the shower door, her eyebrows raise high as her gaze meets my crotch   
“Talk yes… come in Jared let’s… talk” I step in the shower cubicle and wrap my arms around her just for a second no longer, don’t want her thinking I’ve gone soppy on her, I move my hands to grip the tops of her arms and I push her into the tiled wall behind her, she squeals, god I love those noises, and the noises she makes when I’m inside her and the noises she makes when she cums it’s… indescribable  
“Hello Amelia”   
“Hello Jared” her arms are around my neck the same time as I pull her legs around my waist, sliding in to her. Oh fuck, that’s… that’s tight… oh fucking hell Amelia this really isn’t going to last long at all especially if you do that thing with your hips, oh god… just… just like that… stop being so naughty and wriggling and stay in one place DAMMIT. I take one of my hands from its place on her thigh and take it up lacing it lightly around her throat bringing her lips to mine. She starts making those noises, when she does it’s like the animal in me comes out and all I can do is grunt in response. I can feel her tightening around me already she was as desperate for it I was clearly. God I love the way she bounces herself on me, so forceful, hips grinding, I can feel all of her just sliding against me, her breathing picking up in speed. Oh shit I don’t think I’m gonna make it, think unsexy thoughts Jared turn it off, turn it off… “Oh fuck… god you… fucking me… gonna…” Come on Amelia, I need to feel you, as she cums it’s like she pulls me deeper into her just with her pussy muscles, it’s sensational and when she does that I can’t stop myself from cumming soon after “…cum…” Oh thank fuck be-cause I have been holding on and I can’t stop it anymore I lose myself in the moment, my body tenses and I can’t feel my feet on the floor anymore all I can feel is her.   
“Amelia… fuck…” sorry if I hurt you there, is your back ok? I think my balls have just halved in size so thank you for that… I let go of her legs and she gets her feet flat on the floor meaning she’s not at eye level anymore. Oh Amelia you’re so teeny I always forget she puts a kiss to my chest and wraps her arms tight around my back letting the water pour over us. I could stay in here all night to be honest “I missed you… will you marry me?”   
“I already said yes”   
I look down and see the ring I put on her finger, I don’t think she’s taken it off since I put it there “Just checking… Hungry?”   
“Famished…”   
I have no idea what the fucking time is, we should go to sleep at some point soon, I want to take her out tomorrow around Tokyo, I know she’s been before but from what I gather it was more of a drunken rampage with V after they’d flown here on a cargo plane to accompany some of Amelia’s paintings she’d sold. They’re like her babies, she just can’t let them go until the final moment she has this book at home with a photograph of every painting she’s ever created in situ at its final des-tination it’s beautiful. Not as much as she is. God what have you done to me woman? How did you do it? I look over to her sitting on the bed opposite me eating the room service I ordered, she’s wrapped in a robe from the bathroom with a towel tied tight around her head holding her hair up. Was it your red hair? I always did like red heads… Was it the freckles across your nose? Those pale blue eyes that I swear change colour with her moods. I fully admit the first time I saw her in Whole Foods and she was so tiny up close (I’d seen her picture before and already thought she was… something else) thoughts of how easy she would be to just throw around the bedroom DID cross my mind. Who am I kidding? I’ll never work it out… If I did it would be boring, I like the mystery that is Amelia, and her brain of course…   
“Little Pea did you bring those papers for me to sign?”   
“Yeah do you want to do it now?”   
“No time like the present then I’ll get Emma to courier them to where they need to be…”   
“Bit erm… they’re in the front pocket of my backpack on the floor there will you get them while I dry my hair?”   
“Sure…” I lean over the plates between us and kiss the end of her nose before I get up. Turning my back to her I hear the hair dryer click on, her hair’s gotten so long, not the Bettie Page banged bob she had when we met, I like it longer, it’s easier to pull and it makes her kind of look like Jessica Rabbit… I find the papers no problem, oh there’s a pen at the bottom as well, thanks Little Pea save me rooting round in the dresser drawers for one…. What kind of fucking pen is this? Why do girls carry so much shit in their bags? Is this even actually a pen? What kind of pen is flat? Is this some kind of art thing I don’t know about? OH SHIT… OH SHIT THIS ISN’T A PEN IT’S A PREGNANCY TEST IT’S A POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST SEVEN WEEKS POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST… FUCKING HELL…   
Alright Jared calm down, is it hers? Yes because it’s one of those ones I bought for her as a fucking joke, which is not so funny anymore apparently. Little Pea why didn’t you tell me? If she’s seven weeks pregnant then she must have JUST taken this test, as in taken it in the last 24 hours. I’ve been gone six weeks, so… maybe the last week then… She has been especially weepy since I left, there’s that… I look round at her sitting on the end of the bed brushing her hair and waving the hair dryer over it. She doesn’t look pregnant she doesn’t look any different at all. Were her boobs big-ger? That’s a sign isn’t it? She’s so slight though surely she would be a bit bloated by now at SEVEN weeks? She just looked the same when we were in the shower but I was too busy thinking on fucking her as opposed to spending hours looking at her. Is she glowing? No she looks as pale as she always does maybe she looks paler because she’s feeling sick with it. Why didn’t she tell me? We’re going to have to cancel the wedding we can’t get married with her… all… fat… can we? Oh god I’m going to be a Daddy, my Mom will be over the moon that’s for sure, and Uncle Shannon, god he’ll love that. SHIT AMELIA WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME? No wonder she was so tired after travelling, oh Christ should she even be taking Valium? Can pregnant women take Valium? And I’ve given her tea with caffeine in it tonight… We’re going to have to move no child of mine is going in that fucking elevator, what if she gets stuck in it and goes into labour? I’ll have to reschedule things she can’t go to scans and such by herself… NO I’m marrying her, I knocked her up, time to be a man and do the right thing… oh Little Pea… and even littler pea…   
The hair dryer clicks off rousing me out of my thought pattern and I swing round to face her putting the test in pocket of the robe I’m wearing “Did you find them?”   
“Yeah” I need a minute here to get my head in gear about this   
“What are you doing?” She’s thrown herself back on the bed, hair dry, does her tummy look big-ger? I can’t tell because of her robe  
“Looking for a pen”   
“Was there not one in my bag?”   
“Didn’t see one…” I found a pen in the dresser drawer and set about signing the papers she’s brought, shit my hands are shaking, I hope these aren’t going on display anywhere just on file be-cause my signature is all over the place. God in no time I’ll be signing our baby’s birth certificate. I hope it’s a little girl, with her brains and my eyes, killer combination she’ll be a musical prodigy that’s also a neuroscientist and will cure AIDS a total Princess, her Mom’s the queen so…   
“Are you ok?”   
“Are you?”   
“So fucking tired… I think now I’ve slept off the Valium, I just need to sleep”   
“Should you be taking Valium?” I’m stood at the end of the bed, just looking down on her smiling up at me she’s so beautiful, my little world just got one person bigger, a whole living breathing per-son BIGGER   
“Erm well I wanted to actually get here without running away from the airport in a panic attack”   
“No I mean is it… safe?”   
“I got them prescribed by the Dr Jared I didn’t buy them from a street pharmacist in Mexico I think it’s pretty safe don’t think CVS give out rat poison”   
“No I meant is it safe for a…” ok Jared let’s do this I am ready for the freak out  
“Are you SURE you’re ok? You’re being super weird even for you and your hands were shaking, did you do stupid one handed push ups again to impress the Japanese ladies?”   
“I’m fine…” she glares at me “… but Amelia why didn’t you tell me?”   
“Tell you what?” I pull the test out of the pocket and hold it up for her to see and she just laughs just straight up laughs, not just a giggle a full hysterical laugh. This isn’t funny Little Pea, I’m freak-ing out here so fucking badly and I bet you are too, is this how she’s dealing with it? Laughing about it? They say laughter is the best medicine… The fuck is all that noise? There’s a loud banging on the door, shit this isn’t the time whoever you are. I can hear other doors being knocked on, what the fuck is this… I bet some fans have gotten up on to the floor again… The knocking comes back to our door only louder this time   
“You…” I point to my beloved who’s still creasing herself laughing to the point she’s got tears roll-ing down her face and it’s STILL NOT FUNNY Amelia “…STAY RIGHT THERE” Swinging the door open there’s no one right behind it, but Shannon’s stood in the middle of the corridor his hair sticking up all over the place, more so than normal, great now apparently I know what my brother’s sex hair looks like, Char’s stood next to him looking like she’s been crying, she looks really pale, like she’s going to throw up and have her boobs always been that big? I would have noticed them if they had, no wonder Amelia likes her so much, she’s got such a thing about other girl’s boobs. What the fuck is going on? “Shannon I’m right in the middle of something here…”   
“What’s going on it’s the middle of the fucking night, why can you Letos not do things at normal times?” Tomo is stood wearing possibly his pyjamas possibly his normal clothes in the doorway to his room I can never tell   
I feel arms around me, Amelia I told you to stay where you were, I realise I’m still holding the dam test, or at least I was until she took it from me and went over to Shannon and Char in the middle of the corridor… Char takes the test from her, hugs her and shows it to Shannon who looks like he’s going to cry what the fuck is going on… Amelia heads back to me in the doorway still laughing and shaking her head.   
“Ladies and Gentlemen sorry to wake you up but erm… WE’RE HAVING A BABY”   
I am so fucking confused right now but me and Shannon always did have to do things at the same time… I go to open my mouth but Amelia clamps her hand over it before I do “Unless you’re going to say congratulations, don’t open your mouth, the test wasn’t mine Jared its Char’s… SHE’S preg-nant not me”   
“You’re sure you’re not pregnant?”   
“VERY sure”   
“OH THANK FUCK”   
“What the fuck is wrong with you two, say congratulations at least?”   
Sorry sorry Shannon erm… just give me a minute here “WE’RE NOT HAVING A BABY” sorry that came out all wrong this is not about me right now  
“OK I’m confused… Congratulations Shannon and Char and… Congratulations? Emmy and Jared?” Tomo shakes his head and turns back into his room “I’m going back to bed, y’all are fucking luna-tics…” everyone else starts to do the same, slightly bewildered and overly tired, but looking happy for Shannon all the same   
“Can someone tell me what’s going on?” Shannon looks as confused as I was   
“I think I know…” Char detaches herself away from Shannon slightly and points at me“… he found the positive test and thought it was Emmy’s but it never was, it was always mine, Emmy in her slightly stoned state earlier must have put it in her bag instead of mine, and when I couldn’t find it I told Shan anyway, we were going to get a test from the chemist in the morning, well it is the morn-ing but…”   
“So you thought YOU were having a baby?” and now my brother’s pointing at me   
“YES”   
“NO WE’RE HAVING A BABY” he points to himself and Char   
“Oh my god you are… I’m going to be an Uncle not a Daddy, sorry, congratulations I’m really happy for the both of you” I hug both Shannon and Char with a little more force than necessary but I feel like they’ve just taken a bullet for me and I’m oh so relieved. Amelia nearly tackles Shannon with a hug just clinging to him literally hanging off him they have a better sibling relationship than some actual siblings. Shannon and Char make their way back to their room leaving just me and Amelia in the corridor “Why didn’t you tell me you WEREN’T pregnant?”   
“Because your face was so fucking funny and YOU mock ME every fucking month…”   
“But the test was yours… I mean it’s one of the ones I bought you as a joke right?”   
“RIGHT… the first words out of Char’s mouth when she arrived at the apartment were ‘I’m preg-nant’ she took the test and then freaked out and continued to do so on the plane which is why I took FOUR Valium… ANYWAY she said to me to put the test in HER bag and I put it in mine instead I don’t even remember doing it… come on lets go to bed”   
“Definitely NOT pregnant”   
“NOPE… but shall we go practise at making babies?” She leads me back into the room and before the doors even clicked shut our robes have been pulled off and we’re falling on to the bed.


	9. Chapter 9

I told you Jared would want to climb a fucking mountain in Thailand. Jared you dragged me round Tokyo looking at cultural things and I didn’t complain ONCE not even about the blisters on my feet or the fog or the humidity and total lack of Godzilla (YOU however complained A LOT about Hello Kitty land and we were only there an HOUR) but right now it’s too fucking hot. It’s too fucking Thai-land, and look at that pool bar. Mojitos Jared, Mojitos, I’M ON HOLIDAY. You’re not going to leave me alone until I agree to this are you? Should I not stay with Char? Because I think she’s going to punch Shannon if he doesn’t stop fussing and clucking around her, treating her like she’s going to shatter at any sudden movement, erm… pregnant NOT an antique vase.   
I was alright on the plane from Japan to Thailand, for some reason Jared’s armpits are like the physical equivalent of Valium, insert head for half an hour before hand and the whole taking off being in the air landing ordeal? Not so bad. Emma and Shayla practically strapped everyone in their seats and warned if anyone attempted any mile high action on a commercial airline the conse-quences would be dire. I never found out what they were exactly but they were DIRE, plus Jared would need to be awake for anything like that to happen and finding ourselves the only two peo-ple on a row before I could say anything on the matter he was laid out with his head in my lap, sound asleep. I think both of our sleep suffers when we’re apart, so as soon as we’re within five foot of each other again a lot of sleep happens (among other things). Like in Europe after we got engaged when I couldn’t stay awake, only this time it’s Jared’s turn. I’m not going to complain I quite like watching him sleep, and not in a creepy way, it really is like watching a puppy dreaming all limbs twitching and eyelashes fluttering.   
He’s been really quiet over the whole me not being the pregnant one thing. Like he wants to say something, like it’s on the tip of his tongue and then he changes the subject or his mind, I can’t work out which. I think we might need to talk about it in some seriousness that we haven’t before, apart from my monthly freak outs which we both know are just freak outs nothing more. Does he want a baby? I don’t want a baby, is this going to be the unravelling of us, different desires on re-production? God I hope not… If he really wants one I’ll give him one, but there would have to be certain… conditions, and even then I’m still not 100% on the idea, we’d have to move, you couldn’t have a baby going in that elevator and what if it got stuck and I went into labour in there, doesn’t even bear thinking about…   
Right come on then Lion Man, let’s go up a fucking mountain, even though I just want to lay in the shade and show everyone my new Minnie Mouse flip flops because they’re SO cute, we both know I can’t say no to you for very long… We take a boat out to a smaller island, everything goes a bit Bridget Jones and he tries to recite slightly dirty poetry to me as we cross the water. The scen-ery really is beautiful but it’s just too fucking hot, oh so fucking hot, even on the water and I can see where we’re going and it’s not a mountain it’s a jungle. A JUNGLE? OH for fucks sake, a little warning might be nice here Jared, I’ve got a sundress on with my bikini underneath, a pair of bat-tered paint splattered converse and a ridiculous straw cowboy hat that I bought from one of the beach vendors when I could feel the top of my head burning, should I not have you know hiking boots on? And maybe NOT a dress for going into the jungle, we cannot all be at one with nature like you are Lion Man.   
“You’re going to love this” famous last words there Jared, he takes my hand and helps me off the boat, which I’m not entirely sure was totally safe looking back to it. Are there sharks in there? In the ocean… or is it a sea? Borderline genius yes, geographical knowledge NO and there is NO cell reception either, oh god, I don’t think I like this. We round a corner off the dock and there are…. there are…   
“Elephants?”   
“Elephants Little Pea”   
“I love Elephants Jared”   
“I know…” He lets go of my hand so I can get closer to them, they’re HUGE, and oh my god Jared Elephants “I thought we’d go for a little ride…”   
“On an Elephant”   
“Yes on an Elephant Amelia… come on…” He gets into the seat first then pulls me in next to him, I cling to him for dear life as it stands back up, although what good that would do because if he falls and I’m holding on to him I’m only going to go with him and vice versa “Now… isn’t this more fun than sitting round a pool?”   
“I guess” I kind of mumble that, more because I’m totally mesmerised by our steed, and the jungle scenery, apparently I could have worn flip flops and it wouldn’t have mattered, dam you and your sneaky ways Leto.   
“Are you ok?”   
“It’s just so hot…” and in the jungle it’s stifling, I’m used to air conditioning, and ice being readily available   
“I’m alright” I look back to him, he’s got his arm slung round my shoulder, hair tied back, no shirt on, blue ‘vacation’ shorts that he’s had for ten years or something, and a pair of battered Nikes on his feet   
“Yes well, you would be you’re a southern boy, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’m a pale red head, we don’t do well in heat, we don’t tan, we burn and then go back to white, but some-times if we get really lucky our freckles might join together giving the impression of a tan for about a day before we go white again… Sorry I’m not built for heat”   
“I should have bought you a parasol” one of the locals leading our Elephant hands me up a portable fan, oh praise you my lovely, praise you… god that’s better, when we get back to the hotel I am going to have them pour ice into the pool and then I’m going to sit in it for a week, Thailand in SUMMER is not for me... “I think you look cute a bit… pink…” so ridiculous Jared but thanks for still loving me when I look like a lobster, I’ll be glad to see California, even with the heat it’s never this humid. I feel so attractive right now, a big sweaty frizzy haired wreck, how do girls always look so good standing around in their tiny swimwear on those white sandy beaches with perfectly straight hair, tans and not sweating profusely? Jared puts a kiss to my cheek and I think he’s got sand in his beard I don’t even know how that could happen “I think we need to talk…”   
I don’t like the sound of this but I think I know what it’s about, romance me with Elephants as means to soften me up about having babies… smooth Jared “And the best place and time to have this conversation is on top of an Elephant in a jungle?”   
“Well neither of us can… leave if there’s a freak out… Amelia I…”   
“Can I not go first you always go first...” and if I look at you in the eye right now I’ll be pregnant with quadruplets before we get off the goddam elephant. DON’T look into his eyes Amelia he’s like David Blaine or even worse hyno-toad   
“Sure I mean we’ve got a while huh?” Well that was easy, makes a change… “Your freckles really come out in the sun, especially on your cheeks… it’s… beautiful”   
STOP buttering me up here Jared, right Amelia spit it out, maybe you could persuade him NOT to leave you by the time we get OFF the Elephant “Jared I don’t want a baby”   
“Oh thank fuck”   
“Wait… WHAT? You DON’T want a baby?”   
“No…” he’s shaking his head laughing slightly, is this funny? Is this one of our ‘we’re being utter idiots’ things?  
“Then why are we having this conversation?” again on top of an ELEPHANT Jared   
“I thought you wanted a baby…” Looking into his eyes I can see he really did think that   
“I thought YOU wanted a baby…”   
“WHY would I want a baby? Because Shannon is having one?” I nodded in response even though I wasn’t sure that was the answer at all “God we’re fucking idiots, I thought that’s why YOU wanted a baby”   
“I’ve never wanted a baby why do you think I freak out so much every month?”   
“Shall we talk about WHY we don’t want one?”   
Seeing we’re on the same page, thank the lord, we may as well “Sure”   
“I don’t think I could share you with another Amelia, I guess that’s the main reason, my selfishness, it took me so long to find you, and now I don’t want anything other than just YOU and ME and the cat AND I feel bad that I can’t give you as much attention as I’d like sometimes never mind a child… what about you? Is it something to do with your erm…”   
“You can say eating disorder Jared, and no it’s really not, my paintings are my babies, my career is my baby, I just… can’t see the space for one, without resentment on having to change SO much we’d have to move being one reason… I’d rather just be the Aunty my brother has Jack so the pressure is off me for grandchildren expectancy…”   
“What would happen if…” Jared Leto says so much but can’t get his words out when it matters and instead waves his hands around and expect me to translate his thoughts   
“If accidents happen?” He nods at me   
“We would deal with it like rational adults, perhaps not on top of an Elephant, but I don’t really want to get my tubes tied just like I’m sure you don’t want to have the snip…” I laugh as he winces “it’s kind of permanent”   
“Agreed… are we all good here then…”   
“We always were” I wrap my arms up around his neck, ignoring everyone around us and the fact that we’re quite high off the ground and kiss him, much like the way I used to kiss him before we started sleeping together, never quite sure of how much he wanted from me that week never mind getting married and having babies (or not). He brings his hand to softly cup the side of my face, there’s always been sweetness there, right from the very beginning and it’s still there now. We can throw each other around bedrooms he can tie me to myself, the bed, a chair, and just tease me mercilessly for hours before nailing me into the nearest stable surface but that sweet-ness, those gentle kisses are still there. They never were to lure me into a false sense of security so he could tie me up and spank me (because I do that willingly) they were the beginning of some-thing, something he’d never had before, something I didn’t think really existed in real life. Real LOVE, between ME and JARED LETO, its times like these I wish I could tell my sixteen year old ED ridden self that this was going to happen, that after all the years of heartbreak and shit, something happens that’s pure gold, something that’s better than anything I could have ever hoped for will happen… on top of an Elephant…   
“Ok NOW I’M too hot… give me the goddam fan…” he pulls the fan from where it had ended up in my lap and wafts it in his face “I blame you kissing me like that… mind you if you hadn’t in the first place we wouldn’t be here now… on an Elephant… maybe we should have just sat by the pool…”   
HA! And this is the last time Jared that I am going to keep my mouth shut on your crazy mountain climbing / holiday adventuring schemes and from now on I will tell you NO…“But ELEPHANT… now take your camera out of your pocket Leto and take some photos of us on the freaking thing…” 

I could have kissed the tarmac when we got off the plane at LAX, never again am I flying with a Leto or a pregnant woman in turbulence. Even my excessive Valium consumption didn’t help, although I did sleep through the most of it. Until Char screamed then threw up, Shannon looked like he was going to pass out and even V looked a bit rattled. I had to kick Jared really hard to get his attention because even a plane rocking in the sky can’t wake him up. I got so scared that I actually put my head up his shirt and cried, figuring if I was going to die I was going to do it as close to Jared as pos-sible, because that would be the only way to go, he didn’t stop me just looked down at me put his sleep mask back on handed me his asthma inhaler (while I was still IN his shirt) and patted my head. Fuck you fucker I thought we were going to DIE. God I hate flying. He was taking about get-ting me hypnotised to stop my flying panic attacks, which ok maybe I’ll do that BUT I don’t think anything could have stopped the one I had then. I was fully expecting the air mask things to drop down which I couldn’t have worn because there was no way I was removing my head from Jared. In fact it wasn’t until we landed that I took my head out of his armpit and breathed a sigh of relief.   
Char went back to the Lab with Shannon and I got the feeling that she wouldn’t be going ‘home’ again except to move out. Good for them, Shannon is the type of guy who knows when some-thing’s right and just runs with it. If Jared had that we’d have probably already been married for a year and I’d be barefoot and pregnant like a proper southern wife. Probably a good job it’s just Shannon that has that and Jared likes his freak outs and indecisiveness just like me seeing as virtu-ally the entire wedding is done and I STILL DON’T have a dress. There’s something I need first, then I’ll get everything else after I just need to find someone to come with me to get it. That’s not Jar-ed. Because you know bad luck and all that…   
It’s weird coming home WITH Jared, tumbling in through the door together wheelie cases, back-packs and shopping bags. Him trying to touch me up. So NOW you want to my all up in my busi-ness? NOT when I needed you tell me I wasn’t going to die? Pfft “I want a BATH”   
“It’s 4am”   
“Do you want to go to bed or get in the bath with me?” I could have showered it would have been quicker but there’s something about getting in a proper bath with your slightly sunburnt skin, well my sunburnt skin Jared just went all bronzed god in about an hour. It’s so soothing, plus I wanted to wash away all of Asia and cover myself with America again, and a bath was the only way to do it. I thought Jared had fallen asleep as I could hear him rummaging about while the bath was running but then everything went quiet “Jared?”   
“Yuh huh?”   
“Sorry I thought you’d fallen asleep…” He stands opposite the tub and drops his clothes to the floor in a pile before slipping into the water opposite me “Home…”   
“Home…” He stretches his legs out in front of him and I do the same meaning we end up a tangle of limbs underwater but it’s comfy enough, god bless whoever installed this bath tub, maybe they were actually a giant because it’s big enough for me and Jared with his crazy long limbs without us kicking each other in the privates “Glad to be home as well… are you actually going to get a dress anytime soon?”   
“I might already have one…” and could have hidden it, am I going to have to hide it? I’ll hang it in my Mom’s closet that’s safest  
“No you don’t… what’s taking you so long on this? You’re not getting cold feet are you?”   
“Oh…” I look up at his face, he’s not joking oh Lion Man don’t think that we are definitely 100% get-ting married, my feet are as hot as lava “No don’t be silly, I just need to get something first…”   
“What kind of something?”   
“I can’t tell YOU… I’m going to go tomorrow or today… you know what I mean, after I’ve slept”   
“Is it underwear?” There’s only one way to shut him up here and that’s to oh so gracefully hurl my-self forward into his lap. I think most of the bath water ends up on the floor as I do it but it’ll be al-right. I manage to straddle him without too much effort, sex in the bath for some reason just doesn’t work and we ended up covered in bruises and frustrated every time we tried, but the feel of his slippery hands running over my wet skin is worth a couple of bruises on my knees where they’re banging against the bottom of the tub as I kiss him, my arms wrapped around his neck. His hands stroke up my spine, we smell like home now, not hotels and airplanes “So it is underwear then?” I put my lips back to his squashing myself as close to him as possible, his hands hit the skin where the top of my butt meets my spine and I shudder, it’s such a weak spot for me and I can feel him growing against me, this is why you shouldn’t take baths with Jared Leto at 4am it only leads to trouble and I get the feeling from the way his teeth are tugging at my bottom lip that that’s exactly what I’m in. I could pull the plug let the water drain out and we could stay in the tub but my knees are kind of sore (stupid elephant rides and not putting sun block on my knees, does anyone actu-ally put sunblock on their knees?) “Let’s get out of the bath Amelia…”   
You read my mind “Ok…”   
“You kind of have to move first…” he’s right I am pinning him to the bottom of the tub, why can’t sex in baths work for us? I just want to get lost in the moment and… He pulls my hair back and bites down on my neck “Get out of the bath Amelia” That Jared is cheating, fucking cheating, dammit. The buoyancy of the water helps me get to my feet and out of the tub without flailing or slipping and as he steps out behind me I look round to see there’s not a lot of water left in the tub, there was much more water in there to begin with I’m sure. He comes up behind me before I’ve even managed to wrap a towel around myself “No towel required… you see the good thing about you being so small is I can do this…” I’m lifted from my feet, his arms wrapped round my front under-neath my breasts and carried through the main room into the bedroom a trail of water dripping and wet footprints behind us. I’m lowered to my feet and go to make my way towards the bed, but he’s so fast and I’m pinned down over the side of the dresser my feet on a pile of books that are there a hand square between my shoulder blades “Are you going to be good and stay still?”   
“What happens if I’m naughty?” Oh god I am so glad my ass isn’t sunburnt because his hand just smacked across it so hard the sound reverberated around the room, maybe I’ll be kind of naughty… He’s leant further down his chest flat against my back his lips start at my ear lobe telling me again to stay still, then a trail of kisses and bites are placed down my spine, his teeth eventually sinking into my left butt cheek. Jesus fucking Christ I love it when he bites me there. His hand is back holding me down while the other slides between my legs, his fingers pushing in between my folds, rubbing my clit slowly. Jared I need you to fuck me… please I had a near death experience I need you inside me. Two of his fingers enter me and my hips push back in automatic response.   
“Naughty…” His fingers are removed and there’s another hard slap to my ass “I said stay still” I move my arms from where they were stretched out in front of me and fold them under me pro-tecting my boobs from being squashed into a hard surface, this leaves my hair in grabbing distance for Jared and he takes a handful and pulls, not hard enough to hurt but hard enough to lift my head “Are you going to keep still while I fuck you or shall I just go to bed?”   
Goddammit this kind of thing is annoying and sexy as fuck in equal measures, I want to move, but I want him to fuck me more “Yes Jared…” as a reward for staying still I get him pulling me around into the position he wants me in, my hips are gripped and pulled backwards, my legs knocked apart by his knees, he never said anything about me staying quiet while he fucked me so I let out the loudest moan as he pushes himself inside me. Taking my hair back into his grasp he starts to push his hips forwards, when he fucks me like this he hits my g-spot every fucking time just friction and pressure and he knows it too because his hips fall into a rhythm of half thrust half grind “Oh god…”   
His thrusts get deeper, to the point I can feel his balls hitting the back of my thigh, which makes me moan even louder. He lets go of my hair and puts both his hands to my hips, just dragging me back and forth banging me into the side of the dresser my feet slipping I’m going to be left with some amazing bruises but it’s oh so worth it. I’m trying so hard to stay as still as possible but my knees are starting to shake and my thigh muscles are doing that thing where they tense as I’m about to… oh fuck… how does he do this? This is the longest relationship I’ve ever had and it’s still not boring, he can make me cum so quickly, it’s your own fault Jared with your hair and your beard, and your stupid massive cock that’s just fucking… oh god…   
“That’s it Amelia…” As I cum my knee jerks forward into the hard side of the dresser, and I wince in pain because OW fucking sunburn… his nails are digging into my skin and I know he’s close, his moans are getting louder, god I love that he’s loud, men that aren’t are so dull. Women like to know how we’re making you feel sexual egos work both ways. And mine is positively purring at those sounds he’s making. I’ve tried to think of the words for it so many times but even the breathy sounds are indescribable never mind the moans and the grunts are so… just animal… I feel him practically push himself on his tiptoes as his own orgasm is pulled out of him, his hips jerk and still and once again he’s over me chest to back, kissing more gently this time “Are you ok?”   
“Banged my sunburn into the dresser” He helps me up and spins me around to face him, lifting my butt on to the dresser cupping his hand to my face I get a gentle kiss to my lips then he bends down and kisses my banged knee, Jared I love you, do you know that? “What the fuck is the time? Shall we eat breakfast?”   
“How about we have little lay down and THEN we eat breakfast?”   
“You mean shall we go to bed?”   
“Yeah… I don’t know about you but nearly dying in the air was pretty exhausting…” I’m helped back off the dresser and led towards the bed where he pulls the comforter back and I climb in, oh bed, own bed clean body, own bed, clean sheets on own bed “Did you put clean sheets on before you left?”   
“Yeah…”   
“You are a goddess of awesome” I laugh out loud into the bedroom air as he slips in beside me af-ter putting his phone and ipad on charge, I don’t even know where my phone is right now, and I don’t care everyone knows where I am “What’s so funny?” he slings his limbs over me nuzzling his face into my neck, his beard is scratching the itch of my sunburnt shoulders just nicely   
“Goddess of awesome…”   
“Oh… well you are… I would never think of changing bed sheets before I LEFT somewhere, you’re such a good wife… almost wife I mean”   
“It’s not underwear”   
“Huh?”   
“It’s not underwear that I need to get…” My eyes are closing without my permission and I can feel his breathing against my neck getting deeper   
“Go to sleep Amelia, and I know it’s not underwear… I just like how you shut me up…”   
Fucker, welcome home to us…   
We have NO routine, I don’t know if I ever had my own routine, but we really don’t have one in any way shape or form and because of that I praise Los Angeles and its ability to provide nearly 24 hour shopping. Because leaving Jared in bed is HARD (leaving Jared HARD in bed is impossible) but I’ve got SO much to do for my wedding day outfit, I’ve seen Jared’s and I seriously need to get my head in the game. I mean I’ll always look like a lump of coal next to a bar of gold, but he’s deter-mined to marry me it would seem so I need to make some kind of effort.   
I wonder what would happen if we were a regular couple who got up at 6am ate breakfast, turned on the coffee pot, sat in traffic commuting to offices, it seems so alien. But then people who do that probably think what we do is alien. The jet lag is something I could do without, dragging my ass out of bed so as I don’t sleep the whole day away and even then it’s gone lunchtime when I finally leave the apartment and I’m only going now because Char called me and asked if I’d come take her away from Shannon for a couple of hours before he drove her totally crazy.   
“Hey Mamma Bear”   
“That’s’ going to stick isn’t it?” Yup and I am going to store Shannon in my phone as Daddy Bear, my bear brother from another mother   
“I’m afraid so… so what’s up?” Char climbed into the passenger seat of the pickup truck, Jared had gone out IN MY CAR... AGAIN… and my mini was in no way blocking him in he just liked to feel like Austin Powers OR he couldn’t find the truck keys which were in NO way in my purse   
“Thanks for coming to pick me up”   
“No worries I need someone to come with me safety in numbers and all that… SO what’s he done?”   
“He’s just so… full on… I’ve still not gotten used to the whole I’m pregnant situation and he’s got his head in a book and an app and…”   
“Excited, he’s just excited is all, he’ll calm down I take it you live at the lab now?”   
“Yeah until his house is finished… or rather OUR house is finished as he keeps saying… this is going to take A LOT of explaining to my parents they knew I was dating someone but not that he’s who he is and now I’m going to have to tell them we’re living together and that I’m pregnant…”   
“Well look on the bright side at least he didn’t freak huh?”   
Getting downtown wasn’t too hard from the Lab even being half asleep, right Amelia head in the wedding outfit game, maybe I’ll actually look at bridesmaids dresses today too, no that might be in bad taste when Char isn’t my bridesmaid, maybe she’d want to be? Will she be really big by then? No woman wants to be paraded around as big as a house and feeling like crap though do they? There needs to be a chapter in my Weddings for Dummies book about this situation, because I am clueless. I know exactly what I want today I’ve got a photo of it on my phone, in a secret folder that I’ve locked away so Lord Shit can’t find it or there would be oh so many questions. Char looks nervous as we go into the store, me too Char me too these places freak me out, more than this whole wedding thing is freaking me out  
“Good afternoon ladies, how can I help?” Oh good snotty sales staff my favourite, Char rolls her eyes, reason 87 that I love this woman   
“Hi yes, I want one of these…” I pull my phone into their line of vision and watch their eyes light up   
“I take it it’s for a special occasion?”   
“My wedding”   
“Congratulations… sadly though that item is no longer available” SHIT SHIT and DOUBLE SHIT  
“Surely you have one somewhere?” and I will beg if I have to although I’d prefer not to   
“It was a limited edition piece, try eBay for a replica” ok RUDE, I’m not wearing one from eBay my fiancé is wearing a Alexander McQueen suit and you want me to wear something from EBAY?, and I am not going to cry because now I’m going to have to have a total rethink and start again totally…   
“Excuse me but do you not know who this is?” Oh Char no don’t start with that… its ok “This is Dr Amelia Henry Turner Prize winner, noted art historian…” I look at the guys face and watch the pen-ny drop “soon to be Amelia LETO…”   
“Well we could have one made, but it would be expensive…” OK Amelia remember what your Dad said if you have to ask then you don’t want to know and probably can’t afford it, fuck that… fuck it sideways unless it’s more than the venue, that’s the benchmark nothing can be more expensive than hiring a whole building, and catering AND a DJ   
“Crystals NOT diamonds?” because I would lose diamonds then cry and they would probably cost more than the whole wedding put together never mind just the venue  
“Of course…” I watch as he looks down at an under counter screen probably working out how much money he thinks he can get away with charging me “It will be with tax… $3,000”   
Char looks like she’s going to fall over, please don’t you’re pregnant that wouldn’t be good and Daddy Bear would garrotte me “Sure when will it be ready?”   
“The wait is around four weeks” I didn’t say any more just pulled out my bank card and paid, if my Dad asked I would say that I couldn’t find the receipt, this was something I wanted as opposed to needed and people were always telling me to live a little with my money that I’d earned. I’m only going to get married once and I’m going to do it right “Thank you Dr Henry, we will contact you when your order is ready”   
“Please email me as opposed to call I don’t want my fiancé to know”   
“I assure you Dr Henry we will be incredibly discreet” I’m offered a fake smile as they slink off to be condescending to someone else  
“Did you really just spend $3000 on a TIARA?”   
“No it’s a headband… a TIFANNY’S headband… and you’re out of the house and away from Daddy Bear right? OH and not a word to him about this please”   
“My lips are sealed Little Pea” I laughed at Char calling me Little Pea, oh god was she now technical-ly my sister? I’m gaining family members faster than I know what to do with them “But do tell me WHY at least…”   
Char was nearly dead on her feet by the time we got back to the pickup truck jetlag and pregnancy do not mix it would seem but I was grateful for her input on bridesmaid’s dresses. I sent photos of what I’d picked to V who just told me to do what I wanted she didn’t care what SHE was wearing she was more amused that I seemed to be so calm about the whole thing. I vaguely looked at dresses for myself but again couldn’t find exactly what I was looking for. Getting something cus-tom made was looking more and more appealing by the minute despite the cost, how long do dresses take to be made? God I’m going to have to make my mind up about this really quickly aren’t I? Or I’m going to still be deciding a week before and then there really won’t be time for having something made. I need recommendations, and possibly Emma, she knows everyone, I wonder who made Jared’s dresses when he was Rayon, is that a bit weird? We’re a bit weird though… Shannon was out on the drive of the Lab when I pulled up, he said he was looking at his bike, but I think he was just waiting for Char to get home and she looked really glad to see him out there too, she can say how much he drives her crazy with all the fussing but I saw her when he helped her out of the truck, like all her Christmases had come at once. They’ll go far those two, well maybe not too far, seeing as she’s already knocked up, I don’t know where else there is to go, and if Shannon decides THEY should get married I think Char’s head might explode… No wonder V laughs at MY freak outs, Char’s are hilarious   
Jared’s home by the time I get back, I don’t know where he’s been. Being Jared Leto on the streets of LA probably… could be a magazine interview, a meeting about something to do with Creeps or he might have just been out with friends. I don’t really care where he’s been all I care about is that he comes home. I love coming home to him. When he’s away I tend to stay in my studio for as long as possible so I don’t notice how empty the apartment is without him in it since we started living together.   
“Little PEA!” He’s sat at the dining table, paper work spread about the place, looking up at me all excited like he’s not seen me in weeks. Pushing his chair back he pats his lap motioning for me to go and sit on his knee, I roll my eyes and throw my purse on to the breakfast bar and head over to him as soon as I’m within arm’s reach he pulls me into his lap. I could have sat down myself Jared, stop being so… with the… I don’t even know. There’s a small kiss to my lips and then I’m nuzzled all beard scratching me, him sniffing me. I hope I don’t smell bad, he always smells so nice, even when he’s just come off stage dripping with sweat he just smells like Jared all aftershave and shampoo “Where have you been?” I never ask him where he’s been but he’s so nosey…   
“Doing things” that don’t concern your Lion looking face   
“OH… do we at least have lift off on YOUR wedding…” he waves his hand down my body “…things”   
“Yes AND I actually bought the bridesmaids dresses”   
“I’m in shock” I elbow him to the ribs gently “Where are they?”   
“In the truck… so yeah thanks for taking my car… your car never has any gas in it and I’m too little to do it myself Char had to help me”   
“Might help if you didn’t hide MY car keys Amelia… how is Char? I think I might need to keep a closer eye on you two seeing as she’s carrying my niece or nephew, can’t have you hanging round in seedy bars or whatever it is women do when they go out”   
“Don’t you start… poor Char, she’s pregnant that’s all, women have been having babies for THOU-SANDS of years”   
“Do you think they’ll get married?” All the papers on the table are covered in doodles, he’s having a Bart outpouring and apparently I need to buy him new sketchbooks because we’re back to draw-ing on take out menus and pages torn out of phone books   
“Mummy and Daddy Bear? Yeah I reckon and if they do it’ll be soon… wait ARE they getting mar-ried have I missed something in the last half an hour?”   
“No… really you haven’t but me and Shannon we’re kind of old fashioned about things like this”   
“Like good Southern boys… even though we’re living in sin?”   
“Such sweet sin…” he licks across the side of my neck where his head is and then blows making my toes curl in my shoes as response. Urgh, so much sex… well we were apart for SIX weeks, if V were here I’d make her do the math on averages and how many times we need to make up for being apart “Have you eaten… SHIT sorry… what I meant was dinner and a movie?”   
“I dunno I kind of just want to put my pyjamas on…” and flump on the couch with Beast, shit where is Beast? “OH MY GOD”   
“What?”   
“We’ve not picked up the fucking cat….” I jump off his knee “… you wanna come? We’ll get food on the way back?”   
“Sure… it’s probably a good job we’re not going to have babies, seeing as we haven’t even noticed our CAT is missing… ”   
*******************************************************************************************  
He’s gone… AGAIN… but not for long only 72 hours in Europe. I decided not to go with him as I’ve got a commission for a middle eastern oil mogul that needs completing, for the first time I don’t think I will be escorting this one to its final destination of Dubai. Although maybe me and Jared could go sand boarding that looked kind of fun. Sadly I don’t think there’s time between now and our wedding for us to both go. We’ve declined a honeymoon. I think we’re both under the thought that we’ll just hide in the apartment for a week and call that our honeymoon. Plus Char will be about ready to pop by then and first babies are crazy unpredictable in their arrival times and I want to be here for that, and so does he obviously, so staying in the apartment is the best bet, not being thousands of miles away on a cruise or Alaska as he suggested, Jared I love you but I HATE cold, you wanna go freeze in some kind of I’m going to sit in an ice pool in the snow type affair take To-mo… or Babu… or maybe Jamie not me though, nope not going to happen, no matter how much you tell me about fucking me on fur rugs.   
We collected Beast who was none the wiser as to the fact his parents owners had forgotten about him and he was happily sat on the back of the couch above my Dad’s head looking at his laptop screen with interest. My Mom was over the moon to hear I’d made a start on my wedding day outfit, of sorts, and I left the bridesmaids dresses there for safe keeping. Things were starting to feel VERY real with all this, I Amelia Henry am marrying Jared Leto. Is it ironic that the dresses are in MY old room closet, the room where the Jordan Catalano poster is? I’m literally marrying my teen-age dream. Beast was brought back to our apartment in the truck, sat on my knee as Jared drove singing some awful country blues song, that vehicle? Makes his southern show, he’ll be wearing a cowboy hat next chewing straw and we’ll be line dancing instead of whatever it is dancing we’ll be doing at the wedding.   
I listened to him being interviewed by Nick Grimshaw and the whole thing was totally hilarious. Grimmy is completely convinced that if Jared holds your elbows you fall in love with him, that’s all it takes, like some kind of magic. See I said he was a magician of sex! He briefly discusses our rela-tionship, the wedding and Beast (who has his own Instagram account followed by the majority of Radio One it would seem). I’m relieved that he manages to not mention anything he shouldn’t apart from wondering OUT LOUD what I will wear UNDER my dress to an audience of MILLIONS, luckily I don’t think my parents will have heard it. I doubt very much they know who Nick Grimshaw is (and we’ll keep it like that thank you Jared…)   
I must have been staring at my canvas for about an hour, every time I put a certain line in it throws the whole thing off. I can hear Terry thumping around upstairs, I’d go up for a chat but I’m not Jar-ed and I have NO idea who’s up there… I ran face to face into some Hollywood IT girl before who just glared at me, bit rude, and then skipped off down to corridor with her friend giggling, again RUDE. All I’d wanted was to check Terry’s invitation had arrived and that he knew he was more than welcome to take pictures but he didn’t have to feel it was necessary if he didn’t want to. I do think his camera is surgically attached to his hand though…   
Right… Painting let’s do this, it’s only one line and then it’s done… it’s sorted about half an hour and eighteen different angles later but it’s done, I hope the Prince of Bahrain or wherever likes it.   
“Already on your knees how convenient” I look up at the door pulling my most attractive screwed up face and wearing my ‘close up work’ glasses, as my fiancé comes strolling into the studio, great… a little warning could have been nice Lion Man I would have met you at home   
“Well hello to you too Jared…” He leaves his case at the door and comes down to my level sitting on the floor next to me in front of my painting, which is now finished, I’d just not been bothered to get up yet. I see him look me up and down probably checking all the paint on me is dry and then I’m tackled to the floor the paint brush goes flying out of my hand rolling away from me. What the fuck is this? I’m being pinned to the floor, I’ve got my arms above my head and his lips attach themselves to my own leaving me slightly breathless when he breaks away again “Erm…”   
“I bought you something…”   
“A present?” He hardly ever buys me gifts when he’s been away, apart from the amazing collection of really tacky postcards that he sent me from all the places he’d been, they’re my favourite   
“Of sorts yes” He’s still pinning me to floor, I’ve surrendered and wrapped my legs around his waist and I’m being nuzzled which means he has to keep his voice to a whisper or I feel like he’s shout-ing down my ear hole. This isn’t a gift at all is it? You’ve bought me something that needs me to remove my clothes haven’t you “I’ve bought a sex swing”   
“Erm…” he’s really pinning me to the floor now, not holding back with his weight, and there’s small bites and kisses to my neck, wasn’t I just painting something a moment a go? “Erm…”   
“You’re going to love it, want to go home and… play? If you’re not doing anything important here…” You’ll have to get off me first, and I suppose I’m driving, why am I complaining? I’m about to be strapped up and fucked by Jared Leto, let’s go the fuck home.   
There’s no drilling or hanging things from the ceiling when we get home, it just hooks over the door in the bedroom, and how the fuck am I supposed to get into that thing? This doesn’t look sexy Jared this just looks complicated and maybe quite amusing. I like that we can laugh at each other, I wonder how people do things like this without laughing? Do porn stars giggle in between takes? I’m laid on the bed just watching him with an instruction sheet, should I be getting naked? Oh there’s so many questions here…   
“And you want me to get into that thing… naked?”   
“Yes Amelia… so you know… take your clothes off please, or I will come over there and rip them off” You know that wouldn’t be so bad, I’m in my painting dungarees, that could be a fitting end for them… “Too slow…” He stands away from the door, bulge already quite obvious in his pants and heads towards me on the bed, crawling on top of me again “Clothes off Amelia”   
“Why don’t you do it seeing as you’re on top of me?” The snaps are popped at the shoulders and my dungarees pulled down my body and off over my feet, his lips are all over the flesh that’s been exposed, my tank top is pushed up and I pull it off over my head leaving me in my underwear and him still fully clothed “Take YOUR clothes off”   
“This is more funny than sexy” He’s so quick out of his clothes down to just his boxers and I pin him to the bed unable to resist his nearly naked form   
“You bought the dam thing” I’m dragging my lips down his body until I reach my goal his boxers are pulled off and thrown over my shoulder before I put my mouth to his dick, his back arches from the bed my hair has a hand laced in it and one of those amazing moans come from him. His hips start to push up in rhythm with my mouth and my hand that’s got a firm grip on him too. Giving him head turns me on so much, I don’t know why women don’t like doing it, are you crazy? Your man is literally putty in your hands… He sharply pulls my head and mouth away from him and he doesn’t even need to tell me to get in the swing, I know I’m going to get in the swing. As I leave the bed and cross the room I shed my underwear meaning we’re both naked by the time I get to the door “Ok master of sex now what?” He pins me to the door crushing his whole body weight into me I’m kissed so hard my head thumps into the door behind me then and without any giggling or com-plaining I’m strapped in, feet lifted off the ground, arms above my head, and I realise that I am not going anywhere. I’m totally at his mercy. The first thing he does is drop to his knees in front of me and kisses up the insides of my thighs   
“So wet…” his tongue hits my clit at the same time two fingers are pushed inside me… Oh god… this is… with my feet not on the floor and my arms pulling myself up “The way you taste Amelia…” My toes curl as he moans openly against me his fingers so deep inside I can feel the heel of his palm against me. Oh fuck me… no seriously fuck me. Or I will cum on your face and he knows as I will too because as soon as my thigh muscles start pulling he moves away from me and stands back up kiss-ing me hard again letting me taste myself on his tongue, letting me lick myself off his fingers. He pulls something to my side and the swing lifts slightly higher meaning my core is now directly oppo-site his hard dick, that’s in his hand, and it’s wrapped around it oh so tightly, just stroking himself and there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t reach him to pull him into me, I can’t put my hand to him because if I let go I’m going to fall. I can’t even put my legs around his waist all I can do is hang… or rather swing. Jared stop arsing around, he’s just looking me up and down, you love this don’t you fucker? Me bound up not able to move… “Next time I’m going to take a picture…”   
“But this time?” His nose is tip to tip with mine looking into my eyes and I swallow because I know I’m about to get a bruised back but it’s going to be oh so worth it. He lines himself up with my en-trance and eases himself in slowly, I moan at the intrusion but his hips stay still he kisses me then pushes himself further forward a little bit deeper, then stills again, my neck is bitten and finally he pushes himself inside me as deep as he can and holy hell, this position, the way the swing is push-ing my hips oh god, he’s hitting everything I could ever want him to inside me. He moans loudly and throws his head back, his feet on the floor slightly wider than hip distance apart. As he starts to thrust his hands grip my outer thighs where they’re being held open by the swing and my butt starts bashing backwards into the door my moans reverberating around the room.   
“Amelia… I want you to tell me how to make you cum you can’t move to show me, so you’re going to have to use your… words”   
I’m no good at talking dirty I can never get the words out like he can but I really want him to… “Put your thumb to my clit” his right hand is removed from my thigh and he does as I ask, just resting the pad of his thumb against my clit, his thrusts are causing pressure on it just not quite enough and the heat is really pooling in my belly, it just needs something to pull it out “Rub… slowly, not too hard”   
“Like this?” Oh god just like that, perfect circles anti clockwise, he knows what to do, just wants me to tell him. I throw my own head back and moan “I’ll take that as a yes… god you feel so good against my dick” Oh holy fuck Jared… keep with the thumb and the… “I can feel you starting to tense, stop holding out on me Amelia… I know you like it being all… tied up” He puts his lips to my ears “and at my mercy… cum for me” his teeth pull at my ear lobe and I’m done I shake, sweat, scream loudly from an orgasm so intense “Good girl” his hand moves back to grip my thighs and the pace of his hips speed up, his thrusts become more forceful and all I can do is watch, I can’t wrap my arms or legs around him all I can do is look down and watch him penetrate me forcefully, and he’s doing the same as me because suddenly our foreheads are together, our eyes alternating in looking down and looking at each other “I’m gonna cum…” I love it when he says that to me, it makes me shudder, my body tense just ready for him to push that final thrust and spill into me. He throws his head back again and I just watch as his whole body tenses, feel as his hips stutter and he releases a loud cry. Stepping back from me he’s got a wicked grin on his face “Stay right there…” I can’t go anywhere Jared, kind of tied to the fucking door right now… He pulls his phone from his pants pocket on the floor and takes a photo of me before I can stop him “Would you like me to help you down?”   
“Please…” he doesn’t come back towards me though he just sits down on the end of the bed and smiles again “Jared!”   
“Just admiring the view…”   
“JARED!” He comes back towards me, kisses me hard and helps me out of the swing and back to my feet where I wobble slightly from being on solid ground again “I missed you”   
“You too Little Pea… do you like your present?”   
I have a feeling it wasn’t really for me Jared and my arms are going to be so painful tomorrow but… “Yes… when can I strap YOU in it?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

Its Grammy time bitches. And here’s how it’s supposed to go. Me, Shannon and Tomo do the red carpet, then Tomo’s going (we only got two tickets even though there’s THREE members of Thirty Seconds to Mars) me and Shannon stay for the show, THEN I’m swapping brother for lover and Amelia is coming with me to the after party at the Marmont. I’m excited I hardly ever get to take my lady out on the town. When we’re both in LA I like us to hibernate in the apartment but it’s the GRAMMYS. We’ve never been before as a band and I want the opportunity afterwards to show her off to my friends as everyone’s in town for the occasion. Shannon’s not bothered either way about the after party, just wants to be with Char, but wants her kept under wraps for as long as possible, I understand why.   
Things go fairly smoothly and I thank the lord for having an Emma in charge. BUT it takes an AGE to get up the carpet Shannon is distracted as hell and keeps blowing kisses and waving into whatever camera we’ve got on us so Char can see at home. Then he gets a bit too flirty with one interviewer and I have to pull him back. I guess becoming a Daddy and having a full time live in girlfriend is going to take some getting used to for him. Once again I’m flirted with by some… I don’t even know the word for these girls anymore. WHY do women bitch about their guys being flirty with other wom-en, yet it’s the women that are the ones DOING the flirting? Do I have to hang a sign over my head that says closed for business? The only woman I want to stand that close to me is my fiancé, or my Mom, but I hate seeming rude. Catch 22. The show itself is as the Grammys always is big, brassy and loud, I do my presenting and get back to my seat and a text from my oh so sarcastic fiancé ask-ing me if Elton John knows that me and Shannon have raided his wardrobe. Amelia you wear the most bizarre things sometimes, and I say nothing to you, no wait I told her she looked like she should be in Hairspray the other week all big skirt and beehive hair for no particular reason. She’s hidden my hat though, said I looked like I was being sorted into a Hogwarts house and has put it somewhere, I will find out where, even if I have to strap her into the goddam swing and torture it out of her. I can’t decide if that thing is funny or sexy, maybe I’m finally over my obsession with sex toys, they just get in the way of me trying to fuck her, is it worth spending five minutes strapping her in to the thing? Sometimes yes, sometimes no… Especially yes if I want her to stay STILL and not grind her hips against mine because that makes me cum so fucking quickly it’s embarrassing. It feels so good though… I miss the entire of Lorde’s performance so busy thinking on Amelia and sex swings that Shannon has to give me an elbow to the ribs to bring me back into the room.   
Shannon is keen to get back to Char as soon as the show finishes, we spend some time back stage before we leave, but not long. What he thinks he’s going to have missed in a couple of hours I don’t know, but it’s good to see him so revved up over something, and so in love as well, he looks good for it. Healthy, happy, I guess we both do. I’m sure he’ll have a nice set of eye bags soon enough though from the late nights and the screaming (at least the cat knows not to squawk be-tween midnight and 7am). I put Shannon in one car to go back to the Lab and go to the Chateau with Emma in another to wait for Amelia there. I’m barely half way up to the start of the red carpet when I hear my named called and I turn to see her getting out of a car. Or at least I think it’s her. She looks weird, but only because I’m not used to it, I’m used to seeing her wearing nothing at all, or her dungarees, pyjamas, skinny jeans and stripy tops. Not the finery she’s got herself into this evening. I was once told that red and green should never be seen but she’s rocking it without look-ing like a Christmas jumper or Poison Ivy. Her hair is up on top of her head in a knot, she’s wearing one of those playsuit things in emerald green satin with such short shorts that if she bends over she’ll flash her ass (Note to self… stand behind fiancé at all times this evening) and high HIGH heels on her feet that are making her legs look like they go on for miles. When she gets up to being next to me I’m shocked as to how tall she seems. We’re not eye level, far from it, but with all her hair up and those shoes… Amelia you have done me proud tonight you look beautiful. I asked her if she wanted some help from my stylist but she said she didn’t need it and how right you were Little Pea you may sit around the apartment in 1970’s gym kits and paint in dungarees from the 1990’s but when it really counts you positively dazzle.   
“Jared” She places a small kiss to my lips probably not wanting to smudge her red RED lipstick she’s wearing, her eyeliner is perfect as well not a smudge or a wobble just totally neat perfect cat eye lines. I don’t know why I’m surprised her paintings have perfect lines as well, she should have been an assassin her hands are so steady.  
“Amelia…” I put my mouth to her ear “You look stunning are you ready for the red carpet?”   
“As I’ll ever be…” She hates these things I know she does probably worried she’ll look fat on the photos. Oh Little Pea I am going to be the one looking like a lump of coal next to a bar of gold, I al-ways feel like that though. She has no idea how beautiful she is it’s one of the best things about her no over inflated ‘I’m one of the hottest girls in the world’ ego just a beautiful honest smile, no demands of only being photographed on her right because it’s her best side. I take her hand and she lets me lead us up the carpet to the entrance, only on Grammy night could they have one of these, they don’t normally.   
Posing for press photos with her feels odd, amazing, but odd… I don’t know how to hold her, how to stand next to her, she makes me feel like I’m all limbs and no grace. For this sort of thing I have a set of well-practised poses but they’re for my peers, co-stars etc. I have no experience of posing next to the woman I love. I think I’m going to come out of this looking like a love sick teenager next to a mini Jessica Rabbit style queen and it doesn’t help that as she slides her arm round me she pinches my butt and laughs no not laughs GIGGLES at my slightly shocked face. We’re asked the odd question as we pose, mostly about the wedding, Amelia doesn’t respond just looks up to me and smiles. I can read her whole face so easily now, I answer as she’s silently told me to do with a few remarks about suits and being too busy for a proper honeymoon. Plus I just want to sit in the apartment with my bride and freak out that we’re going to be tied to each other for life. Although I can’t think of anyone else I want to be tied to for life, I just wish I’d met her sooner, I wish we were going to be celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary NOT only just getting married. Life is short and I wasted too much of mine without her. Such is fate though.  
We eventually get inside and it’s heaving, packed to the rafters, I need to negotiate my way round this and see people, it feels a little bit like a conveyor belt of humans… Hello, how are you – Photo Op – Wedding / Album / Tour / Painting talk - Let’s go out some time – Lovely to see you – Bye… and then on to the next. And for a woman who claims she gets star struck and is scared of tripping over her own feet my fiancé is the epitome of cool tonight, glass of champagne in her left hand the engagement ring sparkling obviously on her finger for all too see (not too many glasses of that please Little Pea I’m not putting your head in a bucket again, and I’d quite like to see you in ONLY those shoes without you hiccupping drunkenly on me) my hand in the other, designer purse tucked under her arm letting people know she’s not to be fucked with or they will get hit with the metal Vivienne Westwood logo that’s attached to the front of it. I’m sorry Amelia if you feel I’m pulling you about I just want to show you off, look what I got, after years of shit and heartbreak… look what I got, look what I found at the end of the rainbow, a little pot of gold dressed in green…   
She totally blows me away when I introduce her to Daft Punk because she starts a conversation with them in fluent French, so fluent I have no idea what they’re saying to each other and Emma is looking just as baffled as I am, but their helmets flash up with hearts before they walk away “What the… Little Pea?”   
“Oh… erm… long story French artists hate American researchers refuse to speak to them in English to be awkward so I learnt French, it was ages ago though I barely use it now… I probably just said really weird things… I just got a bit nervous they’re SO cool… Emma can you come to the bathroom with me? PLEASE?”   
I’m left standing like a fish out of water as she hands me her champagne glass and marches Emma away towards the bathroom, why do girls do that? Go to the bathroom in pairs? I’m sure there’s some great secret thing in there that guys don’t know about it. Like the Masons or Illuminate, but just for girls. I make small talk with someone who I think was in Twilight I’m never sure, they’re all carbon copies of each other the only one I recognise is Zac Efron because he looks like me in minia-ture, but the rest of them no idea… Edward? Is that what the guy was called? And again what do girls do in the bathroom? I want to dance with my lady, if she’ll let me, without claiming that she doesn’t dance… again  
They reappear giggling loudly I knew I should have kept Shannon I feel like I’m being ganged up on by GIRLS “Why do girls go to the bathroom in pairs?”   
“How else do you think I get in and out of this…” she pulls her glass from my hand motioning to-wards her outfit, I’d not even thought of that… still doesn’t explain the girls not needing to be zipped in and out of playsuits though  
“How did you get into it?”   
“Char and V”   
“Both of them?”   
“Yeah in these heels I kind of need to be pulled up into a vertical position or else I go all Bambi on ice so Char zipped me in this and V helped me put my shoes on then pull me up”   
“Can I just assure you that it’s worth it?” Emma excuses herself to go and talk to some friends leav-ing just me and Amelia and for some reason I feel all fidgety and nervous like I did on our first date, I constantly have to remind myself that the ring on her finger was put there by me, she’s mine now forever, despite it only feeling like five minutes since she walked into me in Whole Foods “Would you like to dance?”   
“Yes… yes I would” her glass is placed on to a passing tray and her fingers lace through mine, I don’t think we’ve danced together since V and Jamie got married, I mean sometimes we dance round the apartment but that’s different. No one can see us doing rap poses in our pyjamas there, apart from the cat (and cats can’t take photos). But there’s a constant flow of chart hits pumping out to-night, nothing offensive, nothing too dark or too slow, and I want to spin her round a bit, take her on a tour of the dance floor. What I don’t bargain for is her grinding against me to Royals by Lorde but she’s my Queen Bee that’s for sure. I can see people taking photographs of us and I can feel my phone vibrating in my pocket vibrating probably because we’ve been tagged in them on vari-ous social media platforms but I don’t care. I can’t take my eyes off her, or my hands, she usually only moves like this when we’re in bed together (or whatever I’ve got her pinned against). HAIM’s Forever starts to flood from the speakers and I pull her closer to me, this is one of the rare occa-sions our musical tastes cross. And besides I love any opportunity to hold her close to me, just move against her, I don’t know if you could call it dancing, more swaying with style.   
“Thanks for coming Little Pea”   
“Thanks for asking Lion Man”   
“Would you like to go and get some ice cream?”   
“I would LOVE to go and get some ice cream”   
We leave the dance floor hand in hand and I have a small freak out realising the next time we’re on a dance floor will probably be on our wedding day. I’m glad she’s started to sort her outfit even though she’s not giving much away I was worried she was getting cold feet. Emma stays at the Cha-teau and I bundle my Little Pea into a cab and tell them to take us to my favourite ice cream parlour out by the ocean (Bless Los Angeles where everything is open 24 hours a day seven days a week). She lets me order for her, not because she’s gone all submissive on me these days it’s just one of her ways of showing she trusts me, and I know that even though she’s in recovery for her ED but it must take a massive amount of faith in me on her part to let me order her food. We find a bench overlooking the ocean and despite the abnormally warm weather I wrap my Saint Laurent jacket around her shoulders not because it’s cold but because it feels like the gentlemanly thing to do. I like it when I can take her out like this, when we can ‘date’ usually our lives are such a rush of me coming and going our time is so precious I just want to lock us away without any distractions of real-ity until it’s time for me to go again. Being a home bird I know she doesn’t mind and that she hates being papped but this… this… this is… nice I can’t think of a grander word to describe sitting over-looking the ocean in the middle of the night with the woman I love eating vegan ice cream.   
“Did you get new perfume?” she smells different, not bad just different, I didn’t notice earlier but outside in the breeze it’s wafting up my nose   
“Huh? Oh I got ready at the Lab and forgot my perfume so I used some of Char’s I think it’s a Chloe one, don’t you like it?”   
“It’s just different is all” You don’t smell like candy and it’s throwing me off slightly “It’s nice though…” I put a kiss to her lips she tastes the same, despite the ice cream “Are you happy?”   
“What sort of question is that?”   
“Why must you be so suspicious?” She’s always like this, I can never work out if it’s a quirk or something left over from a past hurt “Sorry I should have asked if you’ve had a good evening… Lit-tle Pea” I put a kiss to the end of her nose so she knows this isn’t a bad conversation.   
“Oh… yes thank you, I can’t believe how many cards I gave out though, sorry I hope you didn’t think I was only there to promote myself” She’d actually been asked for her contact details from people wanting to talk to her about commissions, not that I don’t doubt she’d make an amazing sales woman for herself but not tonight people wanted her, she didn’t need to give a sales pitch, I don’t know if she ever did  
“Not at all… are you warm enough?” She puts her empty ice cream tub down and snuggles into me a little more, resting her head on my shoulder slotting perfectly into that space like a corner puzzle piece  
“Yup…”   
“Good” I put a kiss to the top of her head and we sit watching the dawn start to break over the ocean, perfect, life is… perfect


	11. Chapter 11

It was a dream.   
I knew that really that it was too good to be true me marrying Jared Leto? Only in my wildest dreams.  
A dream that’s left me with tears rolling down my face so quickly I can feel the damp pillow under-neath my head. I couldn’t feel the ring on my finger anymore, that’s how I really knew it had been a dream I always knew that thing was there, the stones would gently dig into the sides of the op-posite fingers constantly reminding me of its presence… But come to think of it I can’t feel my hand at all, or my arm. I try to lift it over my head and it won’t move, it just won’t move, feels like I’m trying to straighten a piece of spaghetti. I’m alone, I know that, so screaming won’t help but some-times you’ve just got to anyway. I’ll apologise to the neighbours later. I go to open my mouth but I can’t move my face either no matter how hard I try. And I can do nothing to stop the tears though that are still rolling down my face. Is this going to be the end of my life drowning in my own tears? I wonder if it’s really ever happened? At least the dream I had, the dream of marrying Jared Leto will be the last thing I remember and how glorious it was. Living together and weddings and cats called Beast, green minis and pickup trucks, proposals in Norway, elephants in Thailand, dildos called Sa-tan. Shannon Leto and Char, I wonder if Char is real somewhere… is she someone I’ve met before and I’ve put in her that situation in my mind, having Shannon Leto’s baby? Oh god and V and Jamie Reed a love so sweet that was never real, it was just all in my head.   
I feel like I’ve been asleep for months. WAIT until I tell V about this, she’ll think I’ve finally lost my shit, and maybe one day I really will meet Jared Leto and after a couple of vodkas for courage I can tell him about it. The dream that we were in love and happy about it, he had the best beard and the biggest dick, and loved to nuzzle me like a koala clinging to a tree…   
Very suddenly I feel like I’m being propelled forwards like I’m going into some sort of science fic-tion hyper drive all flashing lights before my eyes and I can move again, I know this because I’m sat bolt upright in bed and the scream that comes from my lungs is something close to a banshee’s wail. It goes on for so long I don’t know how there is still air in my lungs to push out the sound, and when it does finish I just suck in a lung full of air and let out another cry, the tears still pouring down my face. Something is grasping the tops of my arms and my body is shaking like I’m being thrown around in a washer.   
“Little Pea… Little Pea… Amelia…. Shit… Jesus fucking Christ… AMELIA! Look at me… come on I’m RIGHT here…” There’s a constriction around my body my arms pinned to my sides, my head pulled towards something hard but warm, a soothing scent wafting up my nose, I don’t think I could scream anymore if I tried, but I can’t stop the crying, sobbing for something that was never real… “Little Pea… Shhhh” My body is being rocked back and forth, what is doing that? “It was just a dream… just a dream… sssshhhhh… look Beast’s here now wondering what all the fuss is about”   
Beast? I’m still asleep, Inception, when did I last watch that? Dream within a dream; within a dream “Beast?” God my voice sounds weird all hoarse and scratchy   
“Can you hear me Amelia?” There’s a voice above me, the constriction around my arms loosens and instead I feel it at the sides of my face pulling my gaze upwards, my vision is blurred with tears and the room is dark, but still I see there’s a person there, a person holding my face “Amelia? I told you not to eat nachos and fake cheese before bed… talk to me please…”   
It can’t be… it was just a dream, me, Jared Leto, just a dream “Jared?”   
There’s what sounds like a sigh of relief “You scared the shit out of me for a minute there Amelia”   
“Jared?”   
“Yeah it’s me… who else would it be?” he’s still got his hands to the sides of my face but not so tightly now using his thumbs to wipe away my tears “What the hell did you dream about?”   
“You weren’t here…” The rest of the room is coming back into focus now, my room… our room… Beast sitting on the end of the bed looking at us both with big wide eyes “I thought I’d dreamt the whole thing… you… cat… wedding” the tears that had stopped are pouring again sobs whimpering in the back of my throat   
“Shhhh… silly thing I’m here, I’m really here see…”   
“OW” there’s a pinch to my ear lobe a really hard pinch and I realise I am awake and he’s here, he’s really here the love is real, it’s like a rush of adrenaline as my mind sorts everything back out into order, the reality hits me, the tears stop and I hurl my arms around his neck and put my lips to his, hard.   
“Whoa hello”   
“Hi…” I am like a lioness stalking her prey and I pounce on him tackling him backwards on to the bed. Jared I need to feel you so bad… I thought I’d dreamt it I thought it wasn’t real and I need you to remind me that it is, so just shut up and touch me up or something, I need to feel real again.   
My night clothes are shed away from my skin landing somewhere in the mess of comforter and pillows that I’d pulled around in my nightmare, to remove my bottoms I’m pushed on my back like a sideways somersault and he’s at the waistband of my shorts pulling them down and away from me, throwing them over his shoulder, pulling his boxers down and off then crawling back up me pinning me to the bed. He kisses me forcefully, clearly not caring that it’s the middle of the night or that I’ve been crying, his mouth moves all over my upper body with hunger, letting me know that its real, he’s really here. I arch my back away from the mattress desperate for him inside me and he doesn’t disappoint reaching between us to his dick he takes it in hand and pushes himself inside me. I don’t think it could feel any more real than this. It’s one of those rare occasions where I’m not pummelled into the bed or whatever I’ve been pinned against it’s one of those times where I’m held, cradled, caressed, a gentle meeting of hips instead of forceful thrusts. There’s no shout-ing or loud moaning no cries of pleasure, soft sighs and the sound of the bed rocking slowly is all that fills the air around us. He’s real, he’s really here, he’s mine Jared Leto is mine all mine.   
The heat is gathering, pooling low in my belly, pulling my thighs closer together, tighter around his waist letting me feel that he’s really there. I need to cum, I need to break apart, I need to let go of that dream that really was just a dream. He starts to circle his hips slightly, causing a sweet friction against my clit it’s so close its within my reach. I lift myself away from the bed slightly squashing our upper bodies together wrapping my arms around his back as tightly as I can, his arms pushed un-derneath me holding me tight. He puts a kiss to my lips and that’s it I fall apart in his embrace my head tilting back, his head burying itself into the crook of my neck, his hip movement becoming erratic as he loses control before he cums, quietly but sighing happily. Moving just his head he puts his nose against mine in an Eskimo kiss “Ok Little Pea?”   
“I am now” I put a small kiss to his lips before he lifts himself away from me, laying on his back and opening his arm out inviting me to snuggle up to him, which I do pulling the comforter over us at the same time   
“Dreams are weird huh?”   
“It was so fucking scary, I was awake but I couldn’t move”   
“Sleep paralysis”   
“What?”   
“It’s called sleep paralysis, your mind is awake but your body isn’t which is why you couldn’t move, has it never happened before?”   
“No and I don’t think I’ve had a dream like that in YEARS, I used to have them like that when I was nearing the ends of my PHD, degrees and stuff, wake up thinking the 100 thousand word thesis I’d written was just in my head”   
“Probably just stress is all Little Pea are you wound up about anything?”   
I’m not now, not after I just came really hard with you on top of me letting me know it was just a dream and you are really here… I can feel the stones on my engagement ring again I hope I never have to slap someone while wearing it because it would bust up your face like whoa. And I’m really not stressed just floating along in limbo… Limbo between now and our wedding, limbo between now and my book finally getting a released, limbo between tonight and him leaving again in a day or two “I think I’m going to have to get my wedding dress specially made, I can’t find what I want”   
“You’re not to make it yourself though, I’ll ask around see if we can find someone to do it for you, exactly how you want it ok?”   
“Ok” There’s a kiss to the top of my head   
“Anything else worrying you? Book? Commissions?”   
“No I just feel like we’re in limbo between now and the wedding, but then what will really change after we get married? We’ll still live here, you’ll still be you, I’ll still be me”   
“You’ll be Amelia Leto though, and so much more, so much more Little Pea” I lift my head towards him to look at him and he’s laid on his back arm that’s not around me up behind his head, eyes closed, breathing slowing into sleep “Wife… you’ll be my… wife… my little lady wife, cooking wear-ing an apron and bringing me dinner… ironing…” he yawns loudly “…my shirts washing my pants you know wifey things”   
“I see… and erm what do I get in return?”   
“Sex… so… much… sex and maybe some cuddling but only on Christmas and your birthday and I might buy you pretty things every so often you know keep you purring like a kitten”   
If I didn’t know he was joking I would be kicking him so hard in the shin right now, it’s more likely to be him being the housewife. When he’s home and I go out to my studio if he’s got nothing to do he just potters around the apartment cooking, cleaning, forgetting to put my bras in the wash bag before putting them in the machine to stop them ripping and I come home to HIM in the apron cooking dinner although he wouldn’t iron, he knows not to mess too far with my OCD there or my face will twitch “Purring like a kitten?”   
He makes a pretty impressive purring sound “Like a lil… fluffy… kitty cat face… you’d make a cute cat all big eyes and shiny red fur… maybe more of a fox thinking about it”   
“Go to sleep Jared”   
“In a minute need to do something first…” He turns on his side and pulls me into a crushing hug hands rubbing up and down my spine “Love you Little Pea…” I’m pushed back on to my back and he throws himself over me, his breath tickling the side of my neck and he really is here, I know he is, because that tickle could only be breath not a breeze or a draft in the room  
“I love you too… thanks for the…”   
“Fucking?”   
“Yeah…”   
“You scared the crap outta me, I was so asleep… I thought I was dreaming the yelling but I knew something was really wrong when I saw the tears you never cry in front of me unless something’s really wrong, I needed to know you were ok… joining ourselves together like that was the only way to get over it”   
“I feel better now”   
“Good, see that’s what I’m here for, that’s what the wedding is about, what you being my wife really means, that I’m HERE forever to protect you from bad dreams and everything else you find frightening, including the really tiny spiders in the bathroom… and all in between… now sleep Little Pea”   
I could feel my eyes closing again the adrenaline wearing off, my body slumping a bit deeper into the mattress below (nothing to do with Jared squishing me into the mattress, no not at all) “You sleep tight too”   
No response just a snuffle into my neck and I think he’s already asleep “AND from now on abso-lutely no more fake cheese after ten pm Amelia…”   
*******************************************************************************************  
Prague, I think that’s where he is now. Or somewhere in that general area. Come to think of it where the fuck IS Prague? Eastern Europe… is it a country all of its own? Like Luxembourg? I hate being shit at geography, maybe I should use my brain power and take a course in it especially see-ing as my husband to be is all over the world throughout the year and sometimes when I get on planes to go and see him I have no idea where I’m actually going I just follow the instructions he (Emma) leaves me with. Go to airport at such and such time, gate whatever, get on plane, I’ll see you at the other end. Love you Little Pea etc etc…   
Sometimes, on some days I wish I could pack up my bags, give up my studio and just go with him, learn to work small or only in digital media then I could just sit back stage or on the bus or any-where really because all I’d need is my laptop. It’s what Vicki does, I’m so jealous she gets to spend so much time with Tomo. Beast wouldn’t mind he could be the Thirty Seconds to Mars cat he loves Shannon, more than he loves me and Jared sometimes I’m sure, I could get him a passport and a Louis Vuitton travel case really rock star (or should that be rock cat?) him up. But it’s just not who I am, who we are as a couple, as soon to be man and wife, we are apart then we are one then we are apart again. It’s how our world turns. And besides Char’s here, getting fatter, V’s here, not get-ting fatter and helping me wear myself out with running and formulating gentle exercise routines for Char.   
Her and Shannon had the biggest row and he ended up in our spare room for the night after doing a total Jared telling Char she didn’t need to work anymore he would take care of her here baby take my platinum check book and card you don’t need to go answer the phones do the filing and earn your own money, pay your own way I’ll do it for you… I didn’t laugh at him, I made him tea then went to tell Char that Jared did that same thing to me, they’re old fashioned and stubborn but if she wanted to work, to pay her own share of the bills then she needed to dig her heels in, but try not to stomp off and cry like I did, because they pull the saddest faces when you get mad with them and then you’ll cry more and end up sliding into the foot well of a sports car with all the grace of an elephant. It was all alright in the end, in fact Shannon didn’t even stay the WHOLE night, I heard the door click at about 3am just as my phone vibrated on the night stand next to me with text from him saying thank you but they were going to make up so he was going home. Jared slept through the whole thing and got panicked in the morning when he couldn’t find his brother. I rolled my eyes at him dramatically and he got his paddle out, so worth it…   
Dresses are now occupying my mind, wedding dresses, or should that just be dress? Lists of names sprawled out everywhere with recommendations for seamstresses and designers from everyone and their freaking grandmas. I’d sat going square eyed for nearly a whole day looking at all the websites. I could have anything I wanted, Wang, Westwood, Gaultier anything, any one… People lining up to make MY wedding dress. Which is when it dawned on me, life is a game of chances, hell our whole relationship was a game of chances – Whole Foods, Starbucks, gas stations all those chance meetings (apart from when he started lurking around my studio under the guise of ‘seeing Terry’ but I was too blind to notice). My career was all by chance, the agent that took a chance on me. Just like Jared, just like Thirty Seconds to Mars someone took a CHANCE on them and it was my turn to take a chance on somebody else. So I did the only thing I could do, I went back to school. I met with the head of design degrees at UCLA and asked them for a list (another list urgh) of all the graduates from that year, and then I met with ALL of them individually giving ALL of them a fair chance to wow me. But there was one girl that shone above all the pretentious ass kissing wannabes that I saw (I wondered if I was ever like that fresh out of graduation, god I hope I wasn’t). Katrine Anoush, of Russian decent, her parents had fled communist Russia in the 1980’s, she made clothes that were so simple, just clean lines and flowing fabrics exactly what I wanted, no over inflated ego, just an honest girl with a great work ethic. She would do the whole thing her-self, she’d design it, she’d make the patterns, cut the fabric, she’d sew it, she’d finish it she would even come to the Plaza and fit me in it on the day. Not one department for one thing and another for something else. Just her and her one man band. I was totally sold.   
“Little Pea please tell me you’ve found someone to make your wedding dress” He was looking at me via my ipad screen all squinty eyes trying to work out if I was fibbing   
“Went to UCLA I wanted to take a chance on someone and I’ve found this graduate she’s called Katrine she’s Russian and she’s going to do the whole thing…”   
“And you trust her?”   
“Yes and she tried to charge me… not including the fabric… a stupidly low amount so I told her to triple it and she cried, I think I just paid her rent for a year and enough left to buy some nice shoes, you’ll like her she’s… something I can’t think of the word… but I wanted to give someone a chance, someone gave us a chance not so long ago”   
“Very true, well I’m glad you’ve got it all in hand, is Char ok?”   
“OH MY GOD I’m so glad I’m NOT the pregnant one, she’s fine, getting fat, that’s about it really”   
“Sorry… I don’t like asking but Shannon is on my case, freaking out about being away from her, but doesn’t want her flying and blah blah blah, it’s driving me crazy Little Pea… CRAZY” he crosses his eyes and sticks out his tongue “I’m so glad you’re not the pregnant one, god I think I would just try and handcuff you to me for the whole nine months and not let you out of my sight, he’s just wor-ried I guess”   
“Well she’s fine I assure you, I’m meeting her for lunch tomorrow but if she starts eating fries and Nutella in front of me again Shannon will have to hire someone else to follow her round because it makes me want to VOM”   
“I miss you” that was a bit out of the blue, what’s wrong Lion Man? Looking at him, he’s looks so tired (he always looks like on tour I’ve learnt) but there’s such a sadness in his face, it’s usually me that looks like this, thankfully my wedding dress project is keeping me occupied and it’s best that he’s not here because he’s not allowed to see   
“Hey I miss you too what’s wrong?”   
“Nothing…”   
“Jared…”   
“I don’t feel well…”   
“What kind of not well?”   
“My head is pounding and fluffy and I’m all sweaty and my throat is throbbing…”   
“Sleep Jared, rest, plenty of fluids, don’t be stubborn like me and end up with pneumonia get the Dr to check you out if you don’t feel better soon… please… don’t make me call Shannon or Emma or even worse Tomo”   
“I still miss you though… I need you”   
“To pat your head and bring you Nyquill and soup” Jared is the worst sick person EVER manflu that’s all it is but it’s very dramatic and cough cough sniffle sniffles ‘Little Pea please will you get me some of that bread from that bakery on blah blah’. I’m such a sucker for it though, I love playing nurse to him, especially as he starts to feel better and I can REALLY play nurse…  
“I’m gonna have to go Little Pea, I feel sick… sorry”   
The screen went black before I got the chance to say anything else. Shit. Sick Lion Man. What do I do? What do I do? I mean he’s not been well before but he always shakes it off after a couple of days. And sometimes it really is the manflu and he’s got a runny nose and just wants cuddles with-out having to shed his I’m a tough rock star Oscar winner image. I pulled a stack of papers off the coffee table with his itinerary printed out on them, Prague, that’s where he was, how far away is Eastern Europe? Why am I panicking about this? He’s probably just got some bug and he’ll be fine in a couple of days and besides I’ve got things to do… I’ve always got things to do though. I’m wait-ing on Katrine sending me a design, well a properly drawn design not my stick figure in a sack affair that I showed her with arrows pointed to various things, I could take some work with me. Do I need to stay in LA? The cat… shit what about the cat? Can I take him with me? No that’s ludicrous. And what about Char, Shannon would fucking kill me, no she’s a big girl and can take care of her-self… Do I have enough money? I don’t know why I even ask myself that question anymore force of habit I guess. I had to discuss or rather negotiate my way around the very difficult topic of mon-ey and pre-nups with Jared and it turns out that actual cash wise, I’m richer, ME richer than a rock / movie star, where’s it all come from? Well a big chunk of it is about to go on a last minute ticket to fuck knows where… I’m keeping the apartment though, that was all we decided if the worst comes to the worst he’ll move out and take his name off the deeds, done, not that I’d stay here but… STOP thinking on this call V, ass in gear woman, sick Lion Man remember?  
“Veronica”   
“Amelia, why am I getting my full name and why do you sound panicked? Are you FINALLY having a wedding freak out?”   
“Jared’s sick”   
“He’s just got manflu, Jamie said they’ve all had some kind of virus he’ll be ok”   
“I think I should go”   
“What to Europe are you mental? Wait don’t answer that… You’re serious aren’t you? Oh my god it’s finally happened you love someone enough to go pat their head while they hurl…”   
“Well we are getting married”   
“Yeah about that can you please freak out or do something, this is kind of dull, seriously”   
“VERONICA!!!”   
“Ok Okay right so, you want to run off to Europe to see your baby I get it, poor wittle sick Jared… I’m not coming I’ve got so many clients at the moment I can’t just ditch them…”   
“What would you do?”   
“There’s no point in ME answering that I can hear you throwing things around… your passport is in the kitchen drawer where it always is so you’ve obviously already made up your mind… no matter what I say, just go…”   
“Char?”   
“Is PREGNANT not likely to explode I’ll be here she’ll be fine”   
“Beast?”   
“Yes I’ll come feed the cat do you need me to drive you to the airport as well?” 

Three hours and NO valium later I was boarding a plane to Italy (the next stop for the band after Prague) and he really was sick. I’d tried to call him and tell him I was coming but couldn’t get an an-swer so I’d freaked even more and called Emma who said he was throwing up, the Dr had said it should only last 24 hours but it would leave him feeling pretty rough for a couple of days after. In the end I told her not to tell him, if he asked tell him that I’d rung while he was hurling and tell him I’d dropped my phone down the toilet or something and I’d call him when I got a replacement that way he wouldn’t be trying to call me every five minutes till I answered (that really bugs me when you do that Jared, sometimes I talk to people too, important people not just the cat!).   
We’ve only been apart three weeks this is ridiculous how much I miss him, this is so ridiculous that I’m not even thinking about panicking over flying all I can think of is getting to him, he needs me.  
I enjoy maybe a bit too much complimentary champagne (seeing as the only tickets left were in first class) BUT as I didn’t have any Valleys only sleepers I drink, take a tablet then sleep all the way to Venice. That’s the plan. I make it five minutes into the first inflight movie then I’m out like a light and the stewardess has to nudge me to ask me if I want anything to eat when they meals are served. I think I ate some rice, I’m not entirely sure. My sleepers are a relatively new thing, after my nightmare I went to see my Dr a bit wound up and worried about the state of my mental health and he prescribed them to me, so I could you know… sleep without screaming nightmares and sleep paralysis. They work but they leave me with big holes in my memory like did I really eat a tub of popcorn in the middle of the night? Apparently so seeing as there are kernels scattered around the bed when I wake up and it’s a good job Jared’s not here because they would all be stuck in his hair. Oh my Lion Man, please be ok…   
It’s just after lunch when I arrive in Italy and the sun is so fucking bright I feel like I’ve got the world’s worst hangover for about five minutes and I’m SO thankful I have my Ray Bans in my purse. I don’t speak Italian, shit, this is where my plans always fall through, I can get places but then I’m never clued in on to how to actually get from place to Jared. Erm… Call Emma? Call Emma… Wait no TEXT Emma better idea then she can be sneaky in case she’s with him. She sends back within nano seconds of receiving my text the hotel address and says she’ll have a key card and pass for me at reception, Jared’s in bed, Shannon and Tomo are doing interviews without him, god he MUST be sick, leaving those two lunatics giggling and trying to speak in fake Italian accents to eve-ryone… The hotel isn’t actually that far from the airport, which is no good to me because I have no idea if I’ll fly back from here or somewhere else, I don’t even really know what’s in my case I just kind of threw things in there, did I need shorts or thermals? Foiled by poor geography AGAIN. I’ve definitely got my pill though it’s in my purse because I needed to take it when I got on the plane to stay on schedule with it… Yes I know OCD blah blah blah.   
I install an app on my phone between the airport and the hotel in case I need some basic Italian phrases to negotiate myself from the front desk up to Jared’s room but when I get there the re-ceptionist speaks amazing English and I try not to speak back to her in my own fake Italian accent. I hope Shannon and Tomo are behaving and being nice not just talking about Pizza and gondolas. Christ. The hotel is grand and sprawling all marble and shiny, great adjectives there, marble and shiny? I think I’m just tired and worried, I am a concerned fiancé. It’s ok boo I’m here… Boo? Jesus get a grip Amelia, start by taking a grip of the freaking door handle and get into the room. I’m greeted by darkness and stuffy air, the sound of Jared snoring. Snoring? MUST be sick. I get across to the bed, he’s on his side, covers thrown away, dressed in that stupid old t-shit of mine, it’s going in the trash Jared seriously it’s like a rag, a pair of boxers his hair pulled back away from his face the cushion from home under his head. I’m not going to wake him up I’m just going to spoon up to him FINALLY I get to be the BIG spoon. Sneakers off and thirty seconds to snuggle (seriously I need to get a grip). He doesn’t even stir when I throw my arm around him, he feels hot and sweaty urgh I bet I get sick and probably sicker than this because of my stupid immune system. He murmurs and I sit up slightly to brush a couple of strands of hair out of his face. His hand comes up and grips my wrist so tight it startles me. I should have woken him up he probably thinks I’m a robber or a stalk-er… He pulls my wrist towards his nose and takes a deep sniff in.   
“Little Pea?” it comes out as a half mumble against my wrist where it’s still at his face   
“Yeah it’s me”   
“I’m so sick I’m hallucinating…” the grip on my wrist loosens and he lets me go, almost disappoint-ed   
“No you’re not I’m here… do you want anything?” I lean over putting a kiss to his temple and his eyes open slightly towards me those baby blues shining while I do my best to smile and not look like a dishevelled overly freaked fiancé   
“Little Pea? How are… why are… what the… LITTLE PEA” He turns over and pushes me on to my back hurling himself over me I feel like I’m in the grip of a boa constrictor “Oh Little Pea…”   
“Hey… hey what’s wrong?”   
“I’m so ill”   
“I know it’s why I’m here” I manage to get my hand up and around him so I can stroke his ear, if I didn’t know any better I could swear he was crying “Hey… it’s ok…” he buries his head further into the crook of my neck and he really is crying I can feel his tears against my skin “Ssshhhh I’ll look af-ter you now”   
“Forever?” God this is weird is this Jared at his should be in hospital level of sick? His sap is show-ing… seriously   
“Of course… should you be in the hospital?”   
“No the Dr said I just need rest and fluids”   
“Well then rest… I’ll go and get some bottles of water from the store ok? You want anything else?”   
“You’re in Italy”   
“I’m in Italy…” He’s still buried into my side as I run my finger nail lightly around the outer shell of his ear “Do you want some crackers or something?”   
“Where’s Beast?”   
“V is taking care of him”   
“You didn’t have any Valium and you got on a plane”   
“You needed me” There’s a few muffled sobs coming from him and his breathing kind of hiccups like a child who’s just had a tantrum, my heart feels like it’s bleeding, I think I’m going to cry. I’ve never had this before there’s never been a NEED. Desire yes, love yes, want yes, but not NEED. I’ve never NEEDED anyone and never has any one needed ME. I move my free hand up to my face and brush away the tears before he gets chance to see them “Right, where the fuck is everyone? When did you eat last? You need something to take your temperature down paracetamol are there any in here or do I need to get some?”   
“Don’t go yet…” The constriction around me tightens and I can feel him sweating on me, my yoga pants that I flew in (because it was just what I was wearing) are sticking to me. Jared it’s a dam good job I love you so much, sex sweat and stage sweat is awesome, ill sweat is just eeeewwwww “Please Little Pea I need you so much right now… and I never need anyone, and I need you, I needed you as soon as I felt ill, all I wanted was you and your warmth your sweet perfume…”   
“Well I’m here now I’ll stay as long as you need me”   
“I guess we’ll be giving Beast to Char then because I need you to never not be here…” I don’t care he’s sick and sweaty and I’m going to get sick too I put a kiss to his damp forehead, still a bit teary myself “Oh Little Pea”   
“Go to sleep Lion Man… sleep…”   
It takes about half an hour for his breathing to slow and his grip on me to loosen enough for me to slip off the bed and go and try and locate supplies, he’s drunk all the water from the minibar there were empty bottles thrown down at the side of the bed he was asleep on. There’s a store oppo-site the hotel, I guess the Italian equivalent of a supermarket. God so much food, what is all this? Has it got dairy in it? I think everything in here has the flesh of a dead animal attached to it. Pretty sure you get a free pigs leg if you spend over… SHIT I’ve got no Italy money, god what is Italy mon-ey? Is it a Euro? Fuck I hope I can pay on my credit card. I get as much bottled water as I can carry, I debate calling Shannon to see if he can come help me but I think they’re probably still in press mode. Crackers, just plain salty crackers, I’ll order him room service when he’s ready to eat some-thing proper, that hopefully is Vegan friendly. Oooo I wonder if they do good Vegan pizzas I could proper go for one of those. I’m crossing the road back to the hotel as the van pulls up I know it’s the rest of Thirty Seconds to Mars because they always travel in the same kind of vans no matter what country they’re in. I’m gonna see if I can make Shannon and Tomo jump.   
“SURPRISE” I leap out in front of the van door as it slides open and I’m relived it really is Thirty Sec-onds to Mars and not someone else   
“Oh my god I thought I was hallucinating from sunstroke then…” Tomo is laughing as he gets out of the van first and I get a round of hugs from him and Vicki then Emma and Shayla, I don’t know where Jamie is maybe doing technical things I don’t understand… Shannon is last out of the van and looking hella pissed oh fuck   
“PLEASE tell me Char isn’t here too”   
“Hi Emmy it’s nice to see you thanks for coming all this way to take care of Jared who’s SICK and NO Shannon Char isn’t here…” His huge arms wrap around me pinning my own to my sides where I’d been waving them around in his direction   
“I’m sorry Little Pea, I’m sorry, I’m just so worried and Jared’s been so sick, and… well you’re here now, you want pizza? I gotta tell you it’s pretty dam fine, and thanks you know for keeping an eye on Char for me, is erm… Veronica in charge?”   
“Shannon you’re squishing me”   
“Oh sorry…” His arms let me go and he picks up the bags of shopping from my feet carrying them in the hotel for me   
“Yes V is in charge of Char and the cat, so she can watch her eat fries smothered in Nutella and try not to vomit”   
“Oh lord don’t say vomit…” we reach the elevator I assume they’re all staying on the same floor because he doesn’t ask me which one I need to be on just pushes the top button “It was awful, god I didn’t know what to do, whether to call you, or call Mom, or just hold his head over a bucket, I’m glad you’re here now though, you make for a much prettier nurse than me and one that he probably wants to wear one of those little hats… ANYWAY…” I feel myself blushing I wonder if Jar-ed and Shannon talk to each other about their sex lives? I wouldn’t talk to my brother but that’s different… We step out of the elevator and walk down the corridor he leaves me at the door with my shopping after hugging me again, and I still couldn’t hug him back because the grocery bags were in my hands.   
Jared was sat up in bed when I got back into the room, I had left him a note so he knew where I was, he looked dreadful now I could see him properly, pale, sallow faced, tired. Oh Jared “Hey… sorry I was… I got you some water and some crackers and paracetamol and for shits and giggles a miniature Leaning Tower of Pisa”   
“Come here…” He motions to go and sit next to him, he’s showered I can tell because he smells clean and his hair is wet. As soon as my butt hits the bed his arms are round me and I can’t move mine. Seriously what is it with these Letos and arm pinning hugs today? “Thank you for coming, I realised I didn’t say it”   
“What else would I do?” I manage to get my arms up so my fingertips can run the length of his forearms   
“Will you stay? Please…”   
“I’m not getting back on a plane today, I’ll stay until you feel better, but I’ve got to go home at some point, I have a wedding dress to sort”   
“I can’t wait to marry you Amelia, you’re amazing” I think you need some medication Jared you’re delirious   
“Right Mr Leto meds, water, sleep please… come on…”   
I flew back from Hamburg four days later a fully recovered Jared taking me to the airport. This… I don’t know has it made us closer? We’ve now seen each other at our lowest points. I even rubbed his back as he threw up without it freaking me out. Something took over the need to care out-weighed anything else. He needed me I was there where I would always be in sickness and in health.   
*******************************************************************************************  
‘What do you want for your birthday?’ That was the text message I received the day before my birthday the day he was flying home. Meaning he was probably standing in the airport panicking because he’d forgotten, and I was about to end up with a neck pillow in the shape of a unicorn be-cause he couldn’t find anything else. Only I didn’t want gifts…   
‘I want you to push me against a wall and fuck me from behind while pulling my hair spanking my ass and calling me a dirty whore… is that ok?’ The last time I’d seen him I’d cared for him while he was ill then when he well enough before I left we did the whole making love thing again, in fact we were doing that more than the spanking and the hair pulling. I wasn’t complaining not in any way shape or form. I feel so much more connected to him now, but I just wanted Dom Jared to come out and play, just for a little while and he didn’t disappoint.   
I was barely off the couch and across the room to give him a hug hello as he came in through the apartment door and he was on me like a predator. Oh hello Jared, welcome home. My clothes are quite literally ripped away from my body my bra came off the worst and is now minus a strap on the floor fuck knows where the strap is it’s not on my shoulder still because Jared’s teeth are in-stead and I’m pushed face forwards into the wall between the bedroom and bathroom doors, my breasts squashed hard against it and he’s not even said hello to me yet, he’s not uttered a word since he came in through the door. His top is pulled off over his head and his pants pushed down, socks and shoes still on. He uses his hand to roughly push himself inside me then he takes my hair and winds it round his fist like he’s holding a rope and starts pulling it pushing his hips forward with force. Oh god yes just like this oh fuck me fucking harder Jared… Jesus. There’s a HARD slap to my ass cheek and he finally speaks as I moan…   
“You like that don’t you? Dirty little whore…” He slaps me again and I moan louder “ANSWER ME… I said you like that don’t you?”   
“Yes Jared” so much, you have no idea how fucking turned on I am right now and I’m trying really hard not to even think about cumming and enjoy the moment   
“Good whore… with your tight little pussy” OH FUCK ME. I’m literally on my tiptoes because of the height difference between us, being lifted off the floor by his dick, my arms are pinned against the wall and I don’t think I could move them if I tried, once again I am at his mercy and I love it. He uses my hair to pull me back towards him away slightly “Do you want me to make you cum?” I can’t get my words out only whimper my brain is too much sexy, being fucked into the wall hair pulling mush “WORDS whore… use your WORDS DO you want me to MAKE you cum?”   
“Yes Jared…” he bites down on to my neck, hard, never mind a hickey that’s going to bruise as well as my ass   
“Beg me”   
HOW? I can’t move, stopping myself cumming is so fucking hard, it’s like putting your fingers on a bomb fuse and holding it letting them burn for as long as you can take it until you let go so it can explode “Please… please Jared PLEASE”  
“Not desperate enough…” Another hard slap to my ass   
SHIT, I can’t hold it and to make matters worse he lets go of my hair and puts both his hands to my hips standing back, changing the angle of his penetration “Oh fuck me…” my ass sticks slightly I just can’t help it   
“Stay still…” he grips me tighter stilling me in place   
“Please make me cum Jared PLEASE” I’ve got my hands flat against the wall now for stability I don’t need to put a hand to my clit I’m ready to pop and I think if I tried I would just end up with a broken nose because he’s fucking me so hard I’d wouldn’t be able to stop myself from hitting the wall face first.   
“NOT YET” I can’t keep pulling it back I’m going to lose control of it soon and then I’ll be in trouble. I try and slow my breathing, keep my moans of pleasure quiet maybe that’ll help, a hand moves from my hips reaching round my front to my clit, not really rubbing or moving just pushing. Jared I need you to stop that I’m literally starting to feel slightly light headed with this not being allowed to cum thing “My little whore… so eager… always ready for me… you can cum now” My body relaxes, the breath I was holding in comes out of my lungs and as I cum something happens something that’s only ever happened once before in my whole sexual history… oh Christ, sorry Jared, it’s your own fault you got me all over worked and flustered with myself “Did you just… you… oh fuck…” The moan he produces as he fills me could probably be heard in space. I think I might have taken him by surprise there. I think I took myself by surprise there  
I’m span round and pushed my back pushed against the wall his face inches from mine “Sorry… sor-ry I couldn’t control it”   
“DO NOT apologise Amelia…” I’m kissed sweetly, I sink into it wrapping my arms around his neck, I’m so happy he’s home and not mad about the erm… “Have you been holding out on me? Could you always squirt and haven’t been? Because holy hell I will be thinking about that for YEARS…”   
“It’s only happened once before…” my knees kind of wobble where the adrenaline is wearing off and I sink down the wall my butt on the floor he pulls up his pants turns around and slides down the wall next to me, looking at me intently I think he thinks I’m going to say it happened with an ex-partner “I erm… I did it to myself”   
He takes a deep breath in and the smile on his face is ludicrous “You fucked yourself into female ejaculation is that what you’re telling me?”   
“Yes”   
“God I love you…” He puts his hand up to cup the side of my face and pulls me towards him kissing me again just all lips pushing against mine, hard “So I should have really saved that until tomorrow for your birthday but your text got me a bit worked up…” he winks at me and puts his arm around my shoulder pulling me close putting a kiss to the top of my head “I’m glad I’m home…”   
When I woke up on my ACTUAL birthday I was alone, erm wasn’t there a man who looks like a Lion in here with me when I went to bed? What the shit is the time? And what smells so fucking good? “Jared?”   
“Don’t get up…” ok… he appears in the doorway moments later with a tray in his hands piled high with a breakfast he’s obviously cooked a silver party hat stuck to his head and wearing his blue plaid pyjamas “Happy Birthday Little Pea”   
“Have you made me breakfast… in bed?”   
“Yes” He looks oh so proud of himself right now as he puts the tray down on the nightstand hand-ing me a glass of orange juice after I’ve sat up and fastens a pink party hat to my head my hands too busy holding the glass to stop him. Jared this is... if you take photo of this and Instagram it I will end you “I made pancakes and facon, and toast and I brought syrup and ketchup I didn’t know which one you’d prefer… is this gonna make your face twitch crumbs in the bed?”   
“No… But Jared the hats….”   
“Good…and it’s your birthday Little Pea Beast wouldn’t keep his hat on though he tried to eat the elastic… right you…” He hands me a plate and a fork with a smile then leans down to put a kiss to my lips “Stay right there…” Erm I’m not going anywhere Jared especially in this hat “I’m going to go get your presents” The fuck is with you? You’re like a giddy school boy and I told you what I want-ed and I got it, then got aloe vera rubbed into my neck and ass where the red marks were, then he made me explain to him about me making myself ejaculate and before I knew it I was being fucked on the floor in the living room. Apparently I get Jared Leto a bit hot and bothered still amuses me that it’s me that does that… I get so lost in thought that I managed to munch my way through most of my breakfast without properly tasting it, I’m sure it’s amazing, where’s he gone? His breakfast will get cold… He comes back in the room with three presents in boxes, biggest at the bottom smallest at the top, piled in his arms. I don’t what it is about us and gifts in threes… I am curious as to WHY they are all identically wrapped with a bow on them, what have you been doing Lion Man? He puts the stack down next to me and takes my now empty plate away from me putting it on the nightstand “You can open your presents while I eat ok?”   
“Ok… do I need to open them in a certain order?”   
He looks at me over his slice of toast, crumbs going everywhere see my side of the bed Jared? NO crumbs “Erm start with the smallest first”   
There’s no wrapping paper to tear open just lids to take off, the first box contains a pair of beauti-ful pearl earrings just really simple silver studs with a little pearl attached to each “These are so pretty Jared thank you” I don’t really wear earrings that much and certainly not ones as fancy as these, he mumbles something around his pancakes towards me “What?”   
“I said… they’re for you to wear on our wedding day, I know I’m not supposed to see and bad luck and all that but I wanted to contribute somehow, I hope they… go…” he waves his hand about scat-tering more crumbs over the bed   
“They’re perfect, thank you” I don’t say anymore on the matter but I do panic slightly at the fact that I’ve already got pearl bracelets to wear with my dress, does he know or is this just coinci-dence? Hmm Jared hmm I lift the lid of the second box and find packets of my favourite candies (sweet tarts mainly) and the American Apparel Helvetica font tee I’d been lusting after with ‘Aa’ on it “I really wanted this shirt…”   
“I know…” he’s put his plate down on the tray again and is taking the opened boxes away from me HEY! They’re my gifts give them back Jared I want to eat candy in bed “… open the big one…”   
You’ve done something haven’t you? Something I’m going to get vaguely pissed at and then you’ll pull your big eyed doe face and I’ll forget why I was mad… I lift the last lid off and… “OH HOLY FUCK JARED, these are… this is… too much”   
“Pfft please, you know you could buy yourself these things a hundred times over but you don’t so I bought them for you, I hope you like the colour?”   
“I thought they didn’t come in my size?” I have the most awkwardly small feet its ok for sneakers and ballet flats because I just buy kids sizes but anything a bit fancy or designer is usually a no go   
“They don’t… these my Little Pea are a one of a kind pair of Vivienne Westwood pirate boots that I got made just for you in your size”   
“Thank you” I’m genuinely a bit speechless over this, some of the things he does can really knock me sideways sometimes, times like these, he’s so thoughtful. I don’t think a lot of people know that, he’d literally go to the ends of the earth for the people he loves and cares about. And appar-ently for me he’d get the pair of boots I’d wanted since forever made in MY size in MY favourite colour (a beautiful reddy brown with beige straps), they smelt amazing, I may be a Vegan yes but I’m not against wearing leather, or enjoying the smell and feel of it, they’re so soft I almost don’t want to touch them and get them dirty  
“They’ve actually been at the lab for a month or so, they came quicker than I thought and I needed to hide them, so they’ve been in Char’s closet, apparently she’s very jealous”   
“I can’t… you… I love you” I lean over my new boots, which I am going to wear ALL DAY no matter what we end up doing and just put kisses all over his face eventually landing my lips on his.   
“I love you too, you really do deserve them, you’re so good to me…” he takes my hand in his doing that thing where he strokes his thumbs over my knuckles and looks me right in the eye, guaran-teed to send me into a pile of goo… still “I mean it Amelia you care for me in a way no one ever has before, you’re just pure kindness without asking anything in return, and I know I already said thank you but flying to Europe to look after me when I was sick? Amelia, that was… I needed you and you came to me, and I know how much flying and people hurling freak you out and you just got on a plane without a second thought about yourself took care of me and loved me, made me feel safe and well, even though I was so far away from home… YOU Little Pea you’re my home now… right here…” He puts his other hand over my heart, apparently sappy Jared is here to stay he’s not just for sickness “Happy Birthday my Little Pea… NOW for the love of god take your pyjamas OFF put your boots ON and let’s christen them…”   
“Don’t you dare get cum on these Jared”   
“I swear I will only get cum on your face…” I reach to pull my stupid hat off and he pulls my hand away “…leave your hat on… whore”   
*******************************************************************************************  
Balls and books, that’s what my word is about this week, balls and books. Not balls as in fancy dances with big dresses and bow ties or balls as in tennis balls, footballs, basketballs NO cat balls. Beast has become somewhat aggressive and needs to have his balls taken off. Jared is horrified by the whole thing, but I don’t want to breed him, he’s not a pedigree (even if he was I don’t have the time and NO Lion Man the cat doesn’t need an agent / pimp), Jared claims he only came from the shelter anyway, whether I believe that or not I don’t know but for the sake of us not getting mauled and hissed at every time we try and go near him and to protect things from being pushed off shelves as he tries to reach the highest point in the apartment they’ve got to go.   
He’s going down to the vets after my morning Pilates session with V (still not pregnant). I get back to the apartment sweating and a bit dishevelled to find Jared AND Shannon looking all forlorn about the impending removal of cat testicles. Apparently I don’t understand because I don’t have them, I told them to try growing a pair of tits instead and got a double Leto eye roll in return. Shan-non leaves me and Jared to it, we don’t put him in his crate instead he’s carried to the pickup where he sits on the back seat looking happily out of the window at the world going by meowing loudly when we go round a corner. He’s not bothered by going into the Vets itself (he probably just thinks he’s going to get fed something naughty by whoever is going to look after him today. He’s a well-travelled feline). When the nurse comes and takes him from us though something slightly odd happens, he starts wailing, the strangest meow I’ve ever heard come from ANY cat, then Jared goes a bit sniffly, then I go a bit sniffly. What if something happens to him, no they do this all the time, its standard procedure. We’re given a slight lecture about his rotund stature which HEY he’s just kind of lazy ok? Look at his tufty ears and beautiful beard though, he’s magnif-icent not fat, ok well maybe slightly round but please take care of my baby. He’ll be back with us tonight we can collect him in the evening and he’ll HAVE to come home in his crate because he’ll be too woozy from the anaesthetic to sit on the seat like he usually does.   
Jared puts a reassuring arm around my shoulders as we leave and we get papped, GREAT of all the fucking places you’re outside a VETS? Jared makes the snipping motion with his fingers to try and indicated why we were there. I’m more concerned I’m still in my workout clothes, I’m sure 80% of the echelon think I’m some kind of exercise freak because I’m always papped either in work out gear or evening finery never anything in between. Maybe because they don’t recognise me when I’m in skinny jeans and tees, I think I’d like to keep it that way actually. As we climb back in the truck I’m informed we’re going to his Moms because Chars Mom and Dad are there. I complain loudly about being in my workout gear, Jared you need to tell me things like this so I can get changed and you know look presentable, but as he points out he’s in his hiking gear slash pyjamas and people need to take us as they find us. Good point well-made Lion Man and admittedly I am excited to see Constance I don’t think I have seen her in a few weeks, not since I got back from Europe and she came over to hug me and thank me for looking after her baby.   
Char’s starting to look really quite round and complain really quite a lot about her mummy to be body, but I don’t blame her I’d be punching Jared in the face for nine months if he knocked me up. We’re introduced to everyone, I feel a bit like my parents should be here too. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because we’re all family now, kind of? One big happy slightly dysfunctional family. Alt-hough the rest of the ‘family’ (aka the echelon) don’t know about Shannon’s soon to be Daddy Bear status, I don’t know what’s going to be done about that, none of my business really Char knows she can talk to me about it if she needs to. Her text messages are hilarious yesterday she told me she was going to gag Shannon if he said the word cervix one more time, she was very aware of her cervix thank you Shannon so STOP saying that word…   
“I hate being pregnant” wails Char as we sit out on the patio after lunch, her parents (who fell in love with Shannon 0.5 seconds after meeting him just like everyone else because he’s a bear) are inside being shown baby photos by Constance of both Letos wondering if the next generation will inherit the podgy baby tummy and striking eyes.   
“I LOVE you being pregnant it’s cool, watching you get bigger, especially your boobs” Char whacks Shannon really quite hard to the back of his hand for that   
“Emmy will you have a baby too PLEASE I need someone to be fat and fed up with me”   
“Oh hell NO there’s less than four months to the wedding and I cannot gain any weight and get in my dress still Katrine would actually cry if I made her alter the design anymore” We were on our final redesign (or so I’d said), because it had to be right but time was running out to make the dam thing   
“And besides me and Little Pea? NOT reproducing” Jared very firmly puts his hand down and prob-ably his feet too I just can’t see   
“What not EVER? Does Mom know?”   
“Does Mom know what?” Constance came out with a pitcher of iced tea and glasses on a tray and joined the kids table along with Char’s parents. Char was so much like her Mom it wasn’t true such a dry sense of humour and so tall I felt like a dwarf next to her, more than I do when I stand next to Jared.   
“Jared and Amelia are never having babies” Shannon Leto you’re such a fucking tell-tale what is this the playground?  
“Well that’s up to them Shannon but the pressure is off seeing as you have to do everything first”   
“I AM the oldest” insert triple Leto eye roll all for different reasons   
“And don’t we all know it PLUS Anna and Andrew already have a grandson don’t they… Amelia is everything going ok with the wedding you’ve been very quiet, I think your Mom’s a bit concerned as is Veronica that there’s been no screaming and shouting”   
“Everything is done apart from my dress, I HATE leaving a job half-finished so I just did it, all we need to do is turn up on the day, or the day before I guess”   
“Did you get your erm…” Char points at her head after making sure Jared wasn’t looking, I assume Shannon knows because he smiles at us knowingly, I HOPE he won’t tell though  
“Yeah” It had arrived last week thankfully while Jared was still away because obviously I wanted to try it out and had spent the day sitting in my pyjamas wearing it, you know to make sure it wasn’t going to fall off when I danced or walked about etc. I was totally in love with it and was going to find every excuse to wear it as much as possible after the wedding. You know like ‘Hey look at my kind of crown like a queen…’   
“Well if you need any help with anything I will help out as much as I can but it sounds like its well under control… what kind of flowers did you chose?”   
“OH MY GOD I FORGOT THE FLOWERS” everyone turns to look at me as I burst into a fit of laughter “Gotcha! There aren’t going to be any flowers…”   
“None at all?” Char’s mum looks utterly confused   
“Nope it just seemed like a such a waste of money all those flowers for the sake of a couple of hours, then what would happen to them after they’d just go in the trash?”   
“Are you not going to have a bouquet?”   
“Yeah but not made from flowers” If anyone thought about it hard enough they’d work it out, but I wasn’t bothered about the whole it needing to be a surprise thing, all I was bothered about was that Jared knew as LITTLE as possible   
Jared sticks his fingers in his ears “I can’t hear a thing… la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaa” I know he’s lying he has the hearing of a bat, I still run the faucet while I pee if he’s in the apartment or in the hotel suite we are staying in, yes I know I’m weird, I don’t want him to hear me pee that’s kind of weird… I pull his hands down away from his ears and he puts one to a glass in front of him and keeps hold of my hand in the other, I always feel a bit embarrassed when he’s affectionate with me in front of his Mom even though we’re getting married I think sometimes I think too much on what other people think, when probably they’re not even thinking the same thing as me at all. My phone rings on the table in front of me and I take a huge breath in as I know it’s the Vets, what if some-thing has happened? I’ve never really had a pet before, Beast is kind of huge deal to me, even though he doesn’t live with me half the time, hell I don’t live with me half the time… My hand is literally shaking as I go to pick it up, so Jared does it for me, I’m still holding my breath when he gets puts the phone back down  
“It was an automated message thing he’s fine… Little Pea you’re so silly, come here…” he pulls me towards him, wrapping his arms around me tightly I forget that we’re with other people for a mo-ment “We’ll go and get him before dinner ok? The message said he’s had his op and was sleeping off the anaesthetic”   
“He’s my furry baby” I get a bit sniffly on Jared’s shoulder I don’t mean to but he really is my furry baby, and Jared bought him for me, gave me a whole life, trusted me and loved me enough to buy me something that will live for a really long time, even if he is shit company and sulks off when I try to cuddle him and his cat food makes me feel a big queasy sometimes (never mind cleaning out his litter tray). He’s mine, well ours, and is kind of important. Jared’s got one arm round me and his phone in the other “What are you doing?”   
“Tweeting that he’s ok, I’ve had loads of tweets and messages from the echelon today”   
“Did you tweet he was having his balls chopped off?”   
“Of course it was traumatic I’m going to Instagram a pic of him in his cone of shame later”   
“Who or what has had its balls chopped off?” Char’s Dad looks confused and concerned at my snif-fly face and Jared’s phone that’s vibrating away probably #getwellsoonBeast or something I still don’t ‘do’ twitter no matter how much I’m persuaded otherwise   
“Norwegian Forrest Cat called Beast I got him for Amelia for Christmas to keep her company, then I moved in as well so she got two for one, he’s nine months old now, he was only four weeks when I got him you want to see?”   
I managed to persuade Jared to take me home to get changed before we picked Beast up, besides we needed to get his crate although I did get the feeling he wasn’t going to be in it for long… while we’d been at his Mom’s Char’s parents had asked us how long we’d been together and we real-ised that when we get married it will be nearly two and a half years, its fast coming up for two years now (and we’ll probably both forget AGAIN), how have I been in a relationship with Jared Leto for TWO years and it feels like five fucking minutes? I guess a lot of it has to do with him tour-ing so much if you were going on the actual time we were physically together it was probably more like six months and even that feels like a fucking long time. There’s nothing booked touring wise for next year… yet… I think he’s ready to start writing the next album and it couldn’t fall at a better time as it means Shannon will be here for his son / daughter’s first months (they knew but weren’t telling, which was throwing me completely I mean do I buy pink or blue? Or just go with white? No white is not baby practical… vomit and shit and mushy food AND AGAIN SO GLAD we’re not having babies). 

Beast is carried out of the vets in his crate and I balance it on my knee in the passenger seat of the truck we’re barely out of the parking lot before he’s crying to be let out, despite being still really drugged. Jared opens the door and pulls him into his lap where he sits all the way home his cone of shame resting on Jared’s thigh glaring at me. HEY Beast do not go all ‘my Daddy wouldn’t have done this to me’ it’s your fault AND it was a JOINT decision cat…   
He’s photographed and videoed wobbling round the apartment looking drunk, falling asleep in his food bowl which of course is uploaded all over the internet and has gifs made of it before bedtime. When it does come to bedtime normally (if anything we do can be described as normal) we would just leave him wherever he was, behind the sink in the bathroom, on the back of the couch, we’d only move him if he was on a pillow and even then I wouldn’t move him if Jared was away I’d just sleep around him, but tonight he’s carried into the bedroom and put down on the bed, we get into our nightly sleeping positions, Beast sat at the end of the bed looking at us like we’re mental, de-spite his cone of shame. I think he’ll probably just slope off to one of his boltholes and hide out there till he feels better, instead as I drift off to sleep as well as a Jared slung over me, I get a cat too, a purring ball of fur, two Lions for the price of one.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

I’m so pleased I’m home this week. Amelia’s book is finally being launched, published, shot in to space or whatever happens with books about art. I’ve read it, and I have NO idea what it’s about. I like to consider myself well read and I know some fairly complex words but this book right here THIS is WHY she’s a Dr of Art History and I’m a… whatever I am that day. Ok so she’s not written the WHOLE thing but this is HUGE, this isn’t just a thesis that’s available online or the university library it not just an opinion or an interview it’s more than a couple of paragraphs on a certain art work THIS is a BOOK in print and apparently available on Kindles too as she proudly told me. She’s doesn’t seem that nervous about the launch and I wonder if she’s been secretly sneaking Valleys into her tea and I’ve not noticed, but I think since she flew to Italy to take care of me without a fucking second thought about her anxiety over flying and vomit that she’s calmed down over a lot of things. She faced her fears, because of ME, because I said I needed her and she came to me. I really did need her, god I felt pathetic, if I get sick on tour I just keep my head down, rest as much as I can and take as many different remedies for whatever is making me feel shit without overdos-ing on say cough syrup or antacids. But as the Dr said there was nothing that could be done, I just had to ride it out I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so ill. Sitting on the bus with my head in a bucket, it’s a miracle we didn’t all get sick like that it’s even more of a miracle that Amelia didn’t get sick be-cause of her shot to shit immune system. I can’t believe I cried in front of her, that woman has smashed through all my walls in the past two years just breaking them down as I got more and more comfortable with her, letting her further in than anyone else… ever, but I felt SO ill and she was there to pat my head and rub my back, bring me water and just make me feel safe and loved. She’s my home now. Her, not a physical location like a house or an apartment, her soul her heart her aura whatever hippy nonsense I could spout that’s where MY home is. Sorry ladies, I am so far off the market I’m not even in the same town as it anymore, fuck I don’t think I’m even on the same planet anymore I’m on planet Jammy (thanks Shannon) and that’s where I’m staying.   
And of course I was glad to be home for her birthday, she’s not taken those damn boots off since, I had to gently prise her feet out of them after she fell asleep still with them on (and nothing else) the night of her birthday. I don’t think I got cum on them, I’d know if I had because I’d probably be getting the silent treatment or being shouted at, she’s never gotten really mad with me. I guess that’s what happens between two people who are right for each other, she calls me on my shit though don’t get me wrong and I will tell her to stop being a dick if necessary but there’s not been a screaming voiced door slamming row ever. I hope there never is, I hate making her cry, seeing her upset.   
Like when she woke up screaming… My heart stopped, I thought… I don’t know… that someone was hurting her or that she was in physical pain, when I sat up though saw her tears and still half asleep expression I knew it had just been a dream. She didn’t need me laughing at her telling her she was silly, dreams are far from silly even when they’re about floating cows or something equal-ly as odd, so I held her close till she calmed down then she pounced on me, I knew what she need-ed, she needed me to be as close to her as I could be, so she knew it was real that I was there, here, with her. I’m not going to complain about our love making, she’s still a dirty whore when she wants to be, with her filthy texts and… female ejaculation… recently we’ve both felt the need to just be held close instead of throwing each other around, well mostly me throwing her around, I doubt she could even lift my arm. BUT having said that I sat and watched her and V doing Pilates and they squeezed these cushions with their thighs, poor cushions, I’m fairly convinced she could crack walnuts with hers never mind a cushion.   
I have NO idea what time this book thing is… evening I think, apparently I don’t need to wear a suit but I do need to look vaguely smart, that’s her way of telling me NOT to wear sweatpants. Jeans then maybe, not the stripy shoes from London because she said they were hideous. I am in no doubt over the fact she will have based her entire outfit around her pirate boots so if she can go walking around like Jack fucking Sparrow why can’t I look like I skinned a zebra? I shan’t pout it’s not MY day.  
She’s not in bed next to me when I wake up, I can hear her clattering around probably hiding things from me. I was at the Lab until late yesterday doing VyRT and when I came home she was in bed already and there were maybe things that weren’t for me to see on the table. I didn’t look I swear I didn’t, but I did see a note that just said ‘I love my crown’ and now I’m really confused, should I have a crown too?   
I wrestle her into the shower actually with the plan of getting clean, but something about her body covered in that pink soap stuff she uses it just gets me all… it just really cranks my chain. I wish I could start everyday with fucking her, letting her squeal and moan all slippery and warm. We emerge from the bathroom all glowing and dripping all over the floor and get glared at by the cat, now minus his balls, I’m sorry buddy. I feel for you I really do. Especially in that cone. I was terrified leaving him at the Vets for the op, what if something happened to him? Another reason we shan’t be having babies, can you imagine the terror of YOUR CHILD having to have an operation? I don’t think either of us are mentally capable of the trauma.   
Leave it to Shannon and Char, Mom knows we’re not meant to have babies, she said (after Shan-non tattled on us, what are we five? Thanks brother) that me and my Little Pea are supposed to love each other, and the people around us, and that was enough. Very wise woman my mother. I still can’t believe we’ve been together nearly two years sometimes it feels like ten minutes some-times it feels like ten years maybe I should do something for our anniversary rather than just for-get, she said it wasn’t important, the wedding was the important thing. I’m not going to be here on the day, I’ll have to think of something, I’ll miss her tying me to a bed like she did last year… whore  
Amelia has told people that they don’t need to come today but we’re family now (almost) which means everyone wants to come parents, brothers, friends, nephews (or nieces in Shannon’s case), band mates, assistants, I realise these are all my people. She only really has V, doesn’t feel the need for a lot of other companionship, if that’s all she needs that’s all she needs. I’m kind of grate-ful for it to be honest that I don’t have to meet a trail of BFF’s and remember everyone’s names or listen to so and so did this and did that while my brain goes to sleep. But you know, family, so my people are her people now (and I suppose her people are my people now too)   
We’re last ones to arrive, this is nothing new for us we are incapable of having any kind of sched-ule. I think we just get distracted, in fact if it hadn’t been for Emma calling and asking where we were we’d probably be in the apartment making sure the cat was ok before we left and arguing over my shoes.   
“Nervous Little Pea?” We’re sat in the car that was sent by the publishing house on the way to a function room in one of the hotels downtown there’s no red carpet, and probably no paps other than the ones that’ll be inside covering it for some highbrow art supplement I’ve never heard of. She’s got her PHD head on, but not her pirate boots. I worried that they really were cum stained but instead she produced this pair of chunky ankle boots with gold buckles that she’d bought her-self (finally learning to spend her money without stressing it’ll run out) a pair of high waisted skinny blue jeans with a plain black satin top tucked into them, AND she’s stolen my (not that I mind) Saint Laurent jacket with the red sequined cuffs which swamps her in a good way. I hope she’s ok with my outfit of black jeans, smart shoes, white tee and my own Saint Laurent jacket. I don’t want to look like a scruff next to her, I’m saving that for the wedding because whatever she turns up in she’ll look like a queen and I’ll look like the pauper stand in stood next to her while her actual groom arrives because I’m sure I won’t feel lucky enough to deserve her, maybe ever   
“Not at the moment, I’m sure I will be when I have to make my speech though” I reach across and take her hand in mine giving it a reassuring squeeze. I’d forgotten about her speech, maybe that’s what the ‘I love my crown’ thing was about, an art thing I don’t understand?   
I was right there are no paps outside which I’m happy about, there’s no disguising Char’s pregnan-cy anymore, she’s very definitely with child someone is going to need to say something publicly and SOON. Today though these are people who don’t care for gossip and rumours, they probably don’t even know who I am. It’s all about Amelia today and rightfully so. We make our way round the room and I’m introduced to people with so many fucking letters after their names that I think the brain power in here really could get us to Mars in Thirty Seconds. There’s food and drink, and then the speeches start, the grip on my hand gets tighter, ok NOW she’s nervous. Its ok Little Pea deep breaths come on. She gets a round of applause just for standing behind the podium but then I’m sure that a third of the room is here just for her. It’s what we do in the Mars camp we rally be-hind each other even Tomo and Vicki are here with no idea really what it’s all about other than to support Amelia.   
“Thank you, erm… friends and family who are apparently quite rowdy over a book on art history… it’s not a rock concert” she pulls paper and her glasses from the inner pocket of the jacket she’s wearing, my little brain box in her specs her sex specs… back in the room Jared, this is important “Firstly I wanted to say thank you for asking me to be part of this project, it’s been somewhat of a wild ride. I can’t believe I started to put together my part of this a year ago on a tour bus across the United States where before I could do ANYTHING my page markers were stolen and I had to ex-plain over sexualised feminist art repeatedly to a group of men…” There’s a snigger from me and Shannon, sorry Little Pea, trying to write on tour is never a good idea “I feel like I’m accepting an award when really what’s happening is I’m being accepted, by the people who chose ME to write, so a thousand thank-yous for that and seeing as I didn’t get chance when I got my Doctorate I would like to tell my parents thank you for having my back all the way, and my friend V who put up with me throwing books at her in frustration, and not minding that her friend was non-existent while I worked on my thesis” I look to her Mom and Dad and V (her brother couldn’t get the time off work to come) they look so proud, her Dad especially, and I’m reminded that he genuinely thought she wouldn’t make her 18th birthday “I’d like to thank my almost Mars family for all being here, although I’m sure some of you have no idea what the book is about to be honest I’m not sure I do and I wrote most of it” I think she’s done as she folds her paper up slips it back into her pocket and takes her glasses off but instead she looks straight at me her eyes are the lightest blue possible today, meaning she’s happy, really happy “And finally Jared… you Jared are my biggest distraction and my biggest motivation, thank you for putting up with my post it notes everywhere and my brain like scrambled egg some days. I love you” She steps away to another round of ap-plause I think mostly coming from me and my Mom has to stop me from putting my fingers to my mouth to whistle while she laughs and shakes her head. Sorry Mom I’m just so proud right now.   
We stay because we have to well she has to and I want to, but other people start filing away after Amelia’s made her speech and she starts being interviewed by literary supplements and art re-views leaving just me standing feeling like a fish out of water. I couldn’t even persuade my Mom to stay (she’s too keen to try and find out the sex of her grandchild and left with Shannon and Char). Emma said she would stay but she doesn’t need to for my sake, I’m alright with just standing and watching my lady love with awe. I was stood next to her for a while but she started to make my head spin slightly with how quick she was talking about some really important things like over sex-ualising women in art and how it needs to be changed, how female artists STILL are over looked for their male counter parts. This isn’t her exhibition or an awards show no one gives a shit what she’s wearing or that she’s marrying me. All they’re interested in is her brain and so they should be, even though she does look really pretty tonight, she always does. I get approached by some other art historians who ask me nervously if they can take a photo with me, I guess they’re not used to musicians turning up at these sorts of things, I oblige of course and we exchange some small talk about weddings and such but I daren’t try and engage them in art discussions I’d be lost after five minutes. I know I share art on Twitter but mostly my brain just kind of goes ‘oh pretty colours’ or ‘that’s pretty… neat’ I couldn’t write slash talk about it without making myself look silly especially not with this crowd.   
“Hey sorry… shall we leave?” her voice is almost hoarse when she slides back up to me, not used to all the questions and talking, I make a note to kiss her throat better when we get into bed later   
“Are you all done?” I scan the room and no one seems to be looking round for her   
“As I will ever be… sorry I was gone so long and you’ve been you know standing around, it’s boring huh?”   
“Not at all” I kiss her just quickly as we’re still in a room full of people and I know she can get em-barrassed by PDAs “Tired? Hungry?”   
“Both…” I pay for our cab home, only because she’s nearly asleep by the time we get there (leav-ing her unable to object) its only just gone 11pm but her head was dropping on to my shoulder heavier than if she was just resting it there to be affectionate. She plonks on the couch and pulls off her boots Beast taking up residence next to her moments later. I make tea and find a batch of cookies in the cupboard that she must have picked up without me noticing. Oatmeal and raisin my favourite, it’s the little things you see, not the grand gestures…   
“I got you something” I put the tea and cookies down on the coffee table in front of her and give Beast a quick chin scratch, having the op really has made him more peaceful again, even if he does still try and sit on top of the kitchen cupboards. It’s something to do with being in trees in a forest apparently I Googled it.   
“You already got me birthday presents and birthday fuckery, I don’t need anything else” I go into the spare room come office and retrieve the bag from under the bed, this is the room where I tend to hide things, because I know she’d never go through my stuff, she’s far too busy doing more important things than to snoop. I hand her the bag after she’s put her tea cup and cookie down, how does she do that? No crumbs… anywhere….   
“You got me matching cowboy pyjamas?” she smiles one of those beaming smiles at me which means I did good here, she watched part of my VyRT and sent me squealing texts over my choice of outfit apparently best outfit I EVER wore, good job I’d already got you some too huh?   
“Of course… I was going to give them to you last night but you were already in bed, I couldn’t get myself some and not get you any” Hers were pink because you know she’s a SHE and I couldn’t get them in cat sized, not even fat cat sized, sorry buddy you’re not fat I know just magnificent and supposed to be a bit heavier than average. Black Garfield, that’s what you are. I sit down next to her Beast pawing at my legs which HEY should have got you declawed as well… “Do you like them?”   
“I love THEM… and you thank you for tonight” leaning across the cat she kisses me, hard, still man-aging to knock me sideways as she always has   
“No thank you for sharing it with me… come on cow girl… let’s go to bed you can show me how you ride… me”   
Her eyebrows raise and she leads me into the bedroom where she shows me exactly how strong her thighs really are.


	13. Chapter 13

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band… Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man…. Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand…. And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand…  
What the fuck is this shit? Why am I waking up to this? What is happening?   
Jesus freaks out in the street… Handing tickets out for God….Turning back she just laughs… The boulevard is not that bad…  
WHY can I hear Elton John? It IS Elton John right? Not a cover version?   
Piano man he makes his stand… In the auditorium… Looking on she sings the songs…The words she knows the tune she hums…  
It’s definitely Elton John where the fuck is it coming from? Pull my phone from under the pillow, nope not that…   
But oh how it feels so real… Lying here with no one near… Only you and you can hear me… When I say softly slowly…  
Ipad on the nightstand charging? Nope screen blank… Beast is sat at the end of the bed (now without the cone of shame a thing we’re both relieved about) looking a bit wide eyed, OK fur ball let’s go see where the Piano Man is   
Hold me closer tiny dancer… Count the headlights on the highway… Lay me down in sheets of lin-en… You had a busy day today…  
It gets louder as I drag myself into the main room of the apartment trying to stretch my arms over my head and rub the sleep out of my eyes all at the same time. The first thing I do when I’ve got my balance and my focus is shriek, really quite loudly.   
“Well I don’t think that was the reaction he was hoping for…”   
“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?” Char and V are sitting on the couch happily eating toast and drinking coffee, that’s not what made me screech (V’s always had a key and Char has one too from where she stayed with me so it’s no big surprise to find them here) NO what made me screech is the life sized cardboard cut-out of my fiancé standing behind the couch “WHY am I being serenad-ed by a cardboard cut-out of Lord Shit with Tiny Dancer? At 9 AM? WHY are you two involved in… whatever this is?”   
“NICE jammies Little Pea” I look down at my cowboy jammies, what? They’re cowboy jammies Char, they’re awesome, just a shame the matching set is in another country right now  
“I told you she was a grumpy bitch in the morning”   
“AGAIN WHAT is going on? Turn goddam Elton freaking John off PLEASE Veronica” The apartment is now quiet, it was the sound system that it had been coming from “Right I expected better of BOTH of you than to get involved in some kind of hair brained Jared scheme, what are you being bribed with? Because I will double it if it means I can go back to bed…” I had been back in the studio painting till late, and it was only when I remembered I would need to feed Beast that I retreated home, and AGAIN no babies seeing as I forgot the CAT would need to eat   
“Well it’s your anniversary”   
“Is that today?” Is it? I didn’t get him anything, was I supposed to buy him a gift, what did I do last year? Oh yeah… with the… and the… well he’s not HERE so that’s out of the window, maybe facetime sexing will occur later, oh yeah, alright… where’s Satan?   
“Well I guess it’s good one of you remembers right?” shrugs Char  
“I remember it all too well…” I stomp off into the kitchen, very quickly past the cut out of Jared, that’s just too weird “He’d been chasing her around for AGES and she was too blind to see until he literally shoved his tongue down her throat, so really you see it’s not just an anniversary for Emmy and Jared it’s an anniversary of absolute hilariousness on my part… what did you do last year?”   
“Erm…” I’m not very open with my sex life, V obviously knows that we have sex, and I’m sure she has an idea that things get kind of wild because you know she sees me in my workout gear where bruises and hickeys and erm… bondage burns can be seen, but I’ve never openly discussed it and I didn’t tell her about me tying him to bedpost and erm… “Char… not at work today?”   
“WHOA subject shift there, and no I’m not at work, I’ve got some actual vacation days to use up before my maternity leave, and all this just sounded too funny to miss… so what DID you do last year?”   
“WHY do I have a cardboard cut-out?” and what am I supposed to do with it? I’m not carrying it around with me… that’s too much insane even for me and it’s creepy I keep expecting it to move. Jared in cut-out form is like the Mona Lisa, I’m going to put a dish cloth over it to cover its face   
“Oh because he wanted to be here and couldn’t be, this is important, anniversaries of actually get-ting together are important, because after you’re married you’ll only remember wedding anniver-saries… which at least he won’t forget because it’s his birthday and what DID you do last year?”   
“I tethered him to a hotel room headboard with a pair of leather wrist restraints… would you like me to carry on or is that enough information?”   
“OH erm…” Char is blushing furiously as I sit down in the armchair next to the couch the arm chair that has appeared from the Lab at some point and I’ve hardly noticed, Jared is STILL moving in eight months later  
“Oh please you’re hardly virginal Charlotte I think I’m the only one here who hasn’t had restraint marks and hickeys Fifty Shades of Leto the pair of you…”   
“So WHERE did the cut-out come from?”   
“And that is all we will ever find out about Jammy’s sex life actually I think that’s all I want to know… it got delivered to my house yesterday along with instructions for today…”   
“Which ARE?” I should get dressed before I do anything maybe it would be better if Jared WAS here then I wouldn’t HAVE to get dressed all day, I miss him… and clearly I need to apologise for not sending him anniversary things, he didn’t say anything when we spoke last. That’s typical of both of us though not saying something and just assume the other knows so it doesn’t need to be mentioned “Because as much as I love you two I am not going on some kind of bizarre kind of les-bian not lesbian three way date and WHY Tiny Dancer?”   
V pulls out a piece of paper which I can see looks like a hotel fax sheet, jeez do people still fax? I’d recognise his scribbly writing anywhere, his signature yes that’s very nice (and ISN’T the one he uses to sign really important stuff) but his writing? It’s like Dr’s you need a degree in Jaredology to translate it “Veronica… can I just say it really bugs me when he calls me that… what is it with him and people’s FULL names… ANYWAY… ‘Veronica please deliver me to my Little Pea because I can’t be there in person, play her Tiny Dancer by Elton John because it reminds me of her so much, she’s tiny and marrying a music man” I roll my eyes, which makes Char snort “Your instructions for the day are to make sure she organises her Bachelorette party, you after all are matron of honour, whatever she wants, Jared PS Am I supposed to have a crown? I think Amelia has a crown and I’m confused and Shannon will tell me nothing x’”  
I splutter on my tea, shit, he knows, but he thinks its crown, it’s a headband, why would he think it was a crown? I mean I call it my crown, but I know what I’m talking about… “What crown? Does he mean your ridiculously expensive headband? Why does he think it’s a crown?”   
“Because I left a post it note on the table that said ‘I really love my crown’, because that’s what I call it, he must have seen it… oh well if he wants to think it’s a crown leave him to it…”   
“I think the cut-out and Tiny Dancer is so sweet though… I had no idea Jared was such a softie, like a lil kitty cat… SORRY pregnancy hormones, what do you want to do for your Bachelorette?”   
“Do we have to do something? We can’t get into much trouble seeing as you’re pregnant and there’s only really the three of us, Katie would panic about leaving baby Jack so that’s her out, who else does that leave? Us three probably Vicki and Emma and Shayla if we do something when eve-ryone is here? I’m not one for spas or make overs …”   
“What did you do for yours V?”   
“Jared and Shannon went on Loveline and Jared told everyone about Emmy’s really tiny pants ob-session so she got totally wasted and ate a cheeseburger, it was one of the best nights out I’ve ev-er had, but we had dinner first, would that be ok? Shall we just have dinner at my house? Then if we want to go out after we can if not I’ll pour you in cab home?”   
“Sounds as good a plan as any…” I don’t want to leave Char out, and I am convinced V is going to tell me she’s pregnant any day now   
“I feel like I’m holding you back”   
“Char no, don’t be silly, I wanted you to be a bridesmaid like five minutes after I first met you, but then you got pregnant and I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable in a dress and heels when you’ll be really big…”   
Char at this point starts crying, big fat splodgy tears rolling down her face, oh shit what did I say? Have I done a Sheldon Cooper again and not compensated for people’s feelings? “Sorry… sorry…” she wipes her face on her sleeve “Pregnancy hormones, that’s just such a lovely thing to say though… I would have loved to have been a bridesmaid”   
“Would you like a sash that says honorary bridesmaid? Because I can make you one now if you like just please don’t cry…” because I will too, and I’m incredibly far from having pregnancy hormones as an excuse   
We spent the rest of the day, doing what the three of us do best, procrastinating. We did some Yoga, V finally managed a head stand (I tried and fell as soon as she let go of my feet but it was a valiant effort), we put one of my dresses on the Jared cut-out and in NO way drew a porno tash on it (ok we did but only in eyeliner so it would wipe off), we did some HILARIOUS labour coaching with Char and some pelvic floor exercises AGAIN so glad I’m not having babies… We went out for drive thru, with Beast, and me still in the cowboy jammies AND the cut-out still in the dress (well the top half propped in the back of my car anyway) we made dam well sure we got papped I want-ed him to see. By the time they’d gone home and I was all alone (the cut-out in bed in the spare room) we still hadn’t really finalised a solid plan for the party other than ‘dinner’ which was just fine with me. I’d had a day with my best friends, he’d not been here so instead he gave me the things he knew I would love and make me laugh when I was missing him (and I was as usual)   
I had been in the shower and missed his first face time but I needed to find something first. After I was settled in bed and had everything I needed I called him back  
“Well happy anniversary Little Pea…”   
“Happy Anniversary Lion Man… now I have only ONE question before we go any further… and that is…” I pulled a plastic silver toy crown that I had left over from V’s bachelorette party and put it on top of my head “Do you like my crown?”   
“It’s a very… nice crown…” he looked oh so confused “Do I get one too?”  
“No because YOU have been very naughty Jared, looking at things that don’t involve you and you need to be punished to teach you a lesson”   
“Is this what happens on our anniversaries dominatrix Amelia comes out to play? Because my dick is very happy to see her and…”   
“STOP! I shall only be referred to as QUEEN Amelia or Your Majesty for the remainder of this con-versation do I make myself clear?”   
He bit his lip which very nearly made me lose my cool “Yes Your Majesty”   
“Good, then we’ll begin... whore”   
*******************************************************************************************  
I’m going to London. One last trip where my passport still says Henry not Leto. One last trip while I’m Miss and he is Master. It’s late November, Thirty Seconds to Mars have one date left in Eng-land at the o2 Arena then that’s it. I don’t mean Thirty Seconds to Mars that’s it. I mean that’s it until after we’re married. We have reached the 100 yard to the finish line… line.   
I have a dress hanging in the closet at my Mom’s it’s everything I could have every wanted and more. Katrine will come to the Plaza on the day and make sure it’s picture perfect. Char is now offi-cially too fat to go anywhere but that’s what happens when you reach being REALLY pregnant, she’s nesting, I’d been to see her at the new house they’d be living in and it was like Babies r Us had exploded all over the place and her OCD was running wild. I’m not entirely sure if there was going to be room for Shannon to go in that house when he got back never mind the baby. I was convinced though along with V that all the neatness all the organisation and scheduling of this and that would be gone as soon as the baby was here and we would find them both in an explosion of half empty diaper packets and formula up the wall despite it being very clearly stacked in the kitch-en cupboards in an order that even Char couldn’t actually explain again.  
I left Beast with my parents, and strict instructions that he wasn’t allowed anywhere NEAR the closet in my room JUST in case. Because the last thing I want near any of the dresses (not just mine but the bridesmaids as well) were cat hairs, cat pee, cat scratches or anything else he could do, not that it’d be on purpose.  
It was the ass end of the night when I touched down in London but he still came to meet me from the airport and with zero paps lurking I was lifted off my feet by his kiss that was so heated I had to stop myself from wrapping my legs around his waist in arrivals.   
“Hello Amelia…” he slowly puts me back to my feet, my knees shaking   
“Hello Jared…” can we just stay here? I missed you I just want to wrap myself up in you but I sup-pose that can’t done in public especially not naked, let’s go get naked Jared…   
“It’s not that far to the hotel, are you ok you seem… rattled?”   
“Not taken anything… scary… plane in the sky… so tired” I can’t get my words out properly I’d been having a panic attack since midway across the Atlantic. I was really pushing myself with this flying without sedatives thing but without the ‘got to get to Jared he’s sick’ thought fuelling me like last time I managed to kick a panic attack off half way through the flight then couldn’t get it back into line. I wasn’t hysterical just slightly jangled, twitchy, quick breathing, rapid heartbeat, couldn’t quite feel my legs, overwhelming feeling of impending doom kind of panic attack. Walking out of the airport though with Jared’s arm around me letting my nose pick up the familiar smells of his aftershave washing powder, tour bus, shampoo, and just him in general was making me feel so much better and realise how tired I was. He held open a car door for me and I climbed in, him fol-lowing after he’d put my case in the back.   
“I’m so proud of you…” These were the last words I clearly remember him saying to me. In fact when I woke up in the hotel bed I was totally confused as to how I got there. Poor Jared I really put him through it sometimes, he must have nearly carried me up here I’m still in the clothes I flew in. Something I don’t know… when I was surrounded by him again all the panic faded my adrenaline stopped pumping and I just crashed rapidly. Getting over a lifetime of flying anxiety was going to take time and balance so I didn’t near enough pass out when I suddenly calmed down “Well hello sleepy head”   
I roll over to find him sitting with his laptop open looking down on me with the warmest smile I guess he’s not too mad about me falling asleep before either of us could remove any clothing “Sor-ry… I was…”   
He puts the laptop down on to the floor, nearly losing his balance doing so, but he manages to get himself in line with me laid on his side “Its ok you know anxiety is a weird thing… I would have un-dressed you but erm... I’d rather you were awake when I get you naked and slide between your legs”   
What the fuck is the time? Do I care? He’s here, I’m here, I don’t feel anxious anymore or massive-ly sleepy, why am I still wearing clothes? I’ve not seen him in weeks I need to feel his skin against mine let alone his dick inside me “Well then…” I close the gap between us, not caring that I proba-bly taste like airplanes and let my lips meet his running my tongue along his bottom lip, wishing I’d brought my crown with me.   
There’s a lot of giggling as we strip down to our underwear, sometimes we don’t take each other very seriously and there’s not a lot of grace just tangles of limbs and getting heads stuck in clothing and tripping over jeans as they’re pulled down. I’m still giggling as he climbs on top of me, but the look in his eyes is enough to make me stop “I missed you”   
“I missed you too” He puts his lips back to mine and we kiss for what feels like hours, just reac-quainting ourselves with the feel of each other. I do my best to stay still and not arch against him or grope him, he knows I’m getting frustrated, because he breaks away from my lips and flips me over so I’m on my stomach him straddling me on his hands and knees. My back is like, urgh, kiss it, bite it, lick it, tickle it, I am so sold that World War Three could break out and I wouldn’t notice be-cause I’m having a back-gasm. I don’t think I’ve ever told him in words what it does to me, it’s just one of those things he’s learnt to read “Mmmmmm” I kind of mumble into the pillow as he kisses down my spine running his hands parallel to his lips just dancing them gently over my flesh it feels heavenly his hair falling on to my skin as well, his thumbs knead into the dimples at the curve of my spine and I feel like I’m sinking further into the bed I swear that my nerves are wired wrong and they have a direct connection to my clit because everything starts tingling. I use some of my freaky bendiness and unhook my bra just letting it fall open and his attention turns to kissing the marks where it’s been digging into my skin. God I could lay here all day with him doing this…   
“Alright… your majesty?” his lips are at my ear I can feel his chest inches away from my back, arms either side of my head propped up on his hands “I’m going to take your panties off now…” My hips lift in response to those words but he’s not done yet “I’m going to pull them down your legs slow-ly, hooking them over your feet, then you’re going to open your legs just slightly… just wide enough for me to slide between your thighs and push myself inside you, I know it’s gets your g-spot…” He lowers his hips down letting me feel his erection against my butt “You feel that?” My head nodded and I murmured in response “You make me so fucking hard Amelia…” His tongue runs the outer shell of my ear before he moves to take my panties off, oh god, I am so turned on right now, my chest is tightening and I don’t need to put a hand between my legs to know just how wet I am. I feel my panties get pulled off over my feet and then hear his boxers being taken off. The way his skin feels brushing over mine is like little electric shocks all over the back of my body. I shift my knees further apart and allow him to enter me. This angle is like… oh Jared… His lips are back at my ear and his hips are making a rolling motion as he slides in and out of me balancing on his hands again “Always so ready for me Amelia… you feel so tight around my dick…” I pull my pel-vic floor muscles at his words which I think takes him a little by surprise “Oh god…” those breathy moans start, he’s lost himself too far for forming coherent sentences to put in my ear.   
I turn my body so my back is against the bed my legs bend out to the side of me I manage it with-out losing the connection between us and its times like these I’m grateful we both practise Yoga and can move our bodies into some awkward positions. I did it because I want to kiss him, but as soon as I turn his hands are at my breasts pulling my bra off finally then palming them, rolling my nipples between his thumb and forefinger. I love watching him above me like this, hair falling for-wards, his gaze not leaving my body for a second. I wrap my hands around his wrists needing to feel an extra connection to him and being able to feel the muscles in his forearms flex under my fingertips has got me pulling the tops of my thighs together, tightening that pelvic floor muscle again. I lick my lips and he stoops down to kiss me. Sometimes it’s the kisses that matter the most, the thing that breaks the final bow and has me falling, this time though it’s the angle he’s hitting my g-spot with each of his hip rolls “Jared… I…” I don’t even know how to put what I’m feeling into words so I moan it instead, my grips on his wrists tightening.   
“Wait for me Amelia, I want you to cum when I do” WHY does he always make me do these things when my concentration is shot to hell? I relax my tension slightly try and slow my mind, but he’s above me all muscles flexing in his chest, biting his lower lip, looking down to see himself penetrat-ing me I may as well be watching a porn movie my own private porn movie “I’m so fucking close…” I pull those pelvic muscles again I don’t know how long I can keep pulling it back, but in no way am I laid willing him to hurry up, yes it’s frustrating but it feels AMAZING I would stay here forever if I could “Cum for me… I need to feel you…” I thought I’d lost it, that I’d held it too long waiting for him but as his thrusts become more forceful and a little bit erratic he hits my g-spot dead on and it just fucking rips out of me all loud moans goose bumps covering my whole body. His head throws back Adam’s apple prominent, god he looks good like this, sweating, moaning… cumming. The po-sition we’ve ended up in takes a moment of untangling before we’re laid side by side on the bed me resting on my elbow face on my hand because I want to look at him. I missed him, and now here he is laid next to me, his breathing slowing down to normal. I run my other hand over his tor-so until he brings one of his own hands up and stills mine over his chest letting me feel his heart beating.  
“When do you have to go do Thirty Seconds to Mars things?”   
“About an hour ago, but I had Emma hold everything I was worried you went from shaking and al-most hyperventilating to asleep”   
“Sorry you shouldn’t move things for me”   
“I didn’t want you to wake up and me not be here… Little Pea, that beat you feel that’s more than my heart beat that’s the sound of my world turning, and you Amelia are my world, I’ll call Emma in a minute. Will you come watch us tonight?”   
“Of course would you like to come sightseeing with me before we go home?”   
“Well…” I bet I’ll end up taking selfies alone in front of Big Ben because he’s too busy guest pre-senting Kerrang where he just plays Closer on repeat for an hour… AGAIN “I thought we’d spend the day tomorrow being proper tourists, it’s the last show tonight, Shannon and Tomo everyone else they’re flying home nearly straight after, it’ll be just you and me… I thought we’d have a holi-day before we go home and the wedding madness kicks off properly and parents, relatives, friends, people everywhere let’s spend some time me and you, MISS Henry because next time we leave the country together you’ll be MRS Leto”   
“I’d really like that” As far as I was aware he was going to be working, I’d mentally planned in The National Gallery, The Tate and some shopping (because shopping in London is so cool, the clothes are amazing). He’s such a sneak at planning things, always surprising me. I lean over and kiss him gently his arms come up and pull around me tight pushing me over him landing me on my back with him above me very close to the edge of the bed.  
“I’ve got things to do today but you’ll stay close though won’t you?” He looks so sincere not mock pouting here “I just…” He runs a hand through my hair his whole body weight pinning me to the bed, really squashing me, I’m only little, there’s literally ten inches between us (not including his dick) “…missed you, I want to look over and see you there playing flappy bird on your phone, laughing with your fellow Echelon, just… near me, is that ok?”   
“Of course…” I lower my hand to his butt and put a slap to it as hard as I can “Now move it Leto, your Queen commands you don’t make me get my crown”   
“Yes your highness…” he tries to do an English accent and take a bow but instead he laughs so hard at himself (and me) that he loses his balance and falls sideways off the bed landing in a heap, a na-ked heap on the floor on top of the pile of discarded clothes. I am officially on HOLIDAY. 

We are Thanksgiving orphans in a strange land. Well London… Shannon is with their Mom my par-ents are with Art and Katie in San Fran so no one is really missing us. And when we leave I don’t think London will miss us either. This holiday should have been called rampaging around London. I wanted to go to The Tate first, they have a piece of mine in their contemporary collection and I like to see my paintings places, it’s kind of a kick, a bit like Jared hearing a Mars song playing in the background of a TV show or something. ANYWAY it was supposed to be a five minute in and out thing, I knew where it was and we wanted to spend the day being cheesy not studious. We were on holiday after all.   
What we hadn’t accounted for was the group of university students in front of the painting when we got there. And I hate being rude if people want to talk to me about my art. So that took a good hour and oh so many photos. But I was them once, I was a student with the world at my feet, and I would have given anything for one of my favourite artists to pop up randomly somewhere so I didn’t mind too much. And he loved it, watching me speak about art waving my arms around. For some of them though I think seeing Jared was more exciting than seeing me… charming.   
We try so hard to fly under the radar but it’s kind of hard when we’re in front of the crown jewels and he’s asking one of the guards very loudly how much they would cost to buy because I need them seeing as I’m the actual Queen. Jared oh my god. We should have stayed in the hotel suite and watched a DVD tour of London instead it would have been safer and warmer. It’s so fucking cold but still we stand outside Buckingham Palace and The Houses of Parliament and Tower Bridge taking the tube to each stop, admiring the architecture, taking selfies, acting like children. We eat lunch in the slight drizzle sitting in Trafalgar Square both of us with our hoods pulled up around our faces, people not realising who we were until they’d past us and turned back to do a double take by which time it was too late. We fed the pigeons, we went to Hyde Park and I sang (badly) Mary Poppins songs while he filmed me laughing in the rain. By the time we’d seen everything I think we’d filled a whole memory card on his camera with ridiculous tourist shots, the best one though the one that was going to be framed and hung in the apartment was one of him riding one of the Lions in Trafalgar Square while looking very much like a lion himself.   
I hadn’t laughed like that in… forever… just pure silliness and with all the seriousness of the wed-ding coming up acting like idiotic teenagers on their first trip away from home (and their parents) was awesome. Jared you make me laugh so hard… I think people see him as quite serious and business like and to a certain extent he is. He takes what he does seriously, he obviously takes our relationship seriously seeing as we’re getting married, but he’s just so funny. Before we started dating I imagined him to be a bad boy, all jagged and edgy, and terrifying instead what I got was a doofus with a heart of gold who is wild in bed (no surprise there) and a goofy sense of humour al-most like a little kid, all running around laughing at people falling over and fart jokes.   
London is like Los Angeles when it comes to shopping and everything is open LATE so we take in the length of Bond and Oxford Street buying crazy tree decorations in Liberty’s seeing as we’ll have our first Christmas of living together (even though we won’t be in the apartment on the day) when we get back to Los Angeles. They didn’t have any pea decorations (I did point out that peas were hardly festive) so we got a lion and a fox instead. Clothes shopping with Jared however is a night-mare. I feel like I should be wearing something trendy when we start going into the designer stores at least I’ve got my pirate boots on, and I suppose my pea coat is kind of cool, but he just strides in all ‘bitch I’m fabulous’ and has people eating out of the palm of his hands in seconds while I stand there looking like a slightly damp dwarf.   
“Do you like it Little Pea? I’ll buy it for you…” I’ve got a Mulberry purse in my hand it really is nice but it’s thousands of pounds (or is it Euros). I’m still using the satchel he bought for me, even though he’s crossed out ‘Girlfriend’ and written ‘Fiancé’ in gold sharpie because I wouldn’t let him get me a new one, I just thought it looked cooler the more battered it got.   
“Jared…”   
“Okay okay I know, big girl, own credit card, yadda yadda”   
“I just… it’s so much money surely if you’ve enough money to buy a purse like this wouldn’t the money be more useful going to charity instead?”   
He wraps his arms round me in the middle of the store, Selfridges I think, as I put the purse down “You already give masses to charity Amelia, and so do I, you shouldn’t feel guilty about what you earn, you deserve it, talent like yours is rare hence the high price tag for your work… now do you want it?”   
“No, I like my satchel…” I take his hand in mine and pull him away from the purses before he gets any ideas   
Jared buys so much in the menswear department I’m sure that he’ll need an extra suitcase as well to get it all home. Hey you could buy a Mulberry one Jared they’re only like ten thousand pounds or something… I come out with one shopping bag, I really like this English Designer Henry Holland, it’s so cool all print pop prints and cartoon t-shirts, and yes it’s expensive but it’ not Versace expen-sive which is ok with me. We take a cab back to the hotel to dump our bags more than anything else and decide that we should go out for a late dinner see if anywhere can put together some kind of vegan Thanksgiving meal for us. Neither of us felt the need to get changed so we head out and find a little place that must only seat 50 people maximum and so far off the beaten track no one is going to take photos of us as we sit next to each other in a booth at the back looking like ho-bos.   
“Are you going to at least let me buy you dinner?” I roll my eyes and nod as the waiter comes over “Hi can you make us something that resembles a Thanksgiving dinner? I know it’s not strictly on the menu but I noticed Tofurkey is… so… please?” He gives the waiter his best puppy dog eyes which could turn a stone statue into goo   
“Of course all Vegan?”   
“Please…” he takes our menus from us and vanishes off into the kitchen probably to stick his head in the freezer like I did in Whole Foods from the eyeballing Jared just gave him, he’s such a flirt.  
“Well MISS Henry, this is it, we get on a plane tomorrow and then wedding madness will kick off are you ready?”   
“I guess, what about Christmas though, I’d not really thought about it because we’re not meant to see each other the day before… does that mean the whole day? Because it’s Christmas”   
“I thought we’d have Christmas morning just you me and Beast in the apartment, THEN the wed-ding party… well immediate wedding party, could have Christmas lunch at the Plaza before we’re forced apart”   
“Good idea, I’ll book it now” I pulled out my phone to send an email to the woman who was deal-ing with our wedding but Jared stilled my hand in place and two magnificent looking Vegan Thanksgiving dinners were put down in front of us.   
“WOW thank you so much” English hospitality never fails to impress me so welcoming and helpful and can rustle up a traditional American meal in minutes it seems   
“Enjoy your meal and happy thanksgiving guys just yell if you need anything…” This is exactly the sort of restaurant I like being in, homely, no pomp and ceremony, friendly waiters, non-fancy food and masses of it too, I am hungry however I don’t think I’m THAT hungry …  
“I’ve already booked it…” I give him a confused look as I try and shovel mashed potatoes and gravy into my face, which oh my god so good like it’s warming my soul good “Christmas dinner, I talked to assorted parents about it and they agreed so… it’s done, when’s the rehearsal?”   
“22nd but I’m still confused as to why we need one? I mean you stand at the top of the aisle alt-hough it’s not a church so technically it’s a walkway, I walk up it with my dad, the dude in the robes says some words we kiss then that’s it…”   
“You sound stressed about this… Little Pea it’s all a practice of timings that’s all, and me… hello mu-sician here needs to know about timings ok? So let me get this right in simple terms… me and Shannon stand at the top, Katie and Art and Jamie and V walk in front of you then you and your Dad right?”   
“Right” This Tofurkey is amazing I wonder if this place has a website I’m going to review it with loads of big words like splendiferous and hospitable   
“What about Moms?” Jared stop eating so quick you’ll make yourself ill, he eats so quick some-times, but then I’m never sure if it’s that I eat slow because it’s something left over from my ED a habit I didn’t know I had  
“They will already be sat down, admittedly they’ll probably the LAST to sit down but it’s up to you your Mom can either sit on the top row with you and Shannon or behind I’m not getting involved with who’s sitting where” I don’t think there’s even a need for bride side groom side on this occa-sion, everyone can just sit together, my people are his people now   
“Who’s sitting where at the reception, do we have a chart?”   
“Nope people can sit where they like there’s tables but it’s a buffet remember not a formal meal so doesn’t matter where people sit, plus I didn’t want to offend people by sticking them at the back or putting them with people they didn’t know so no formal seating arrangement”   
“What about us?” I’m fully convinced there is some kind of drug in this stuffing because I feel all fluffy and warm it’s heavenly   
“Oh we sit with family, and people who aren’t blood related but we would call family, it’s not so much a top table, but it’s at the top of the room so people will see Shannon when he stands up to make speeches etc.”   
“Are you going to make a speech?”   
I’ve thought about it, but have no idea what I would say “I’ve not decided yet”   
“Right then what happens? I feel like I should know all this but don’t, I’m sorry you’ve done all this by yourself I’m a rubbish fiancé”   
“You’re a busy fiancé its ok it goes something like cut cake, we dance then everyone dances, throw bouquet, we go… make out and then in the morning we go back to the apartment as a married couple”   
“You make it sound so simple”   
“It is… are you scared?”   
“Are you?” I asked first Jared  
I shrug my shoulders and fill my mouth with fake turkey and bacon “A bit”   
“What’s the worst that could happen Little Pea really?”   
“You could hate my dress…” I know I can be maybe a bit critical about things he wears but it’s only because I love him, I mean come on he wears skirts and jackets that look like he stole them from Liberace and says the same to me, asking me if the 1979 US track team know I’ve got their shorts, it’s all in jest but what if he really hates it? It’s so far from a traditional dress and he’s a good south-ern boy (when he wants to be) what if I show him up?   
“Why on earth would I hate your dress? You could wear trash bags and I wouldn’t care… sorry I know this has been your main stress and I assure you there is NOTHING you could wear that would make me hate your dress, I’m sure it’s absolutely fantastic… What about the whole bachelorette thing, you sure you just want dinner at V’s?”   
“Yeah what are you going to do?” he’s finished his dinner and is now picking at mine, which hey fucker I thought it was girls who took guys food? Admittedly I am fully stuffed and couldn’t eat an-ymore but not the point Jared   
“Have dinner at Shannon’s… Char is really pregnant and the only thing I really wanted to do was maybe go out hiking but I don’t want to take him too far away just in case especially somewhere with no cell reception, to be honest I don’t think he’d go anyway they’re still in the infancy of their relationship despite imminent birth of their child but Shan likes to be cocooned more than I do, well more than we do… are you going to eat that?” I shake my head and push my plate towards him, maybe he’s pregnant and eating for two, or just you know actually eating as opposed to hav-ing a banana and calling it a balanced meal “Thanks”   
“So apart from the parties and last minute panics what are we going to do for the next month?”   
“Can I get you guys the dessert menu?” I jump a little bit because Jared had been looking so deep into my eyes I hadn’t noticed the waiter coming back   
Jared looks at me I don’t think I could eat anything else if I tried “Not for me…”   
“No thank you, can we have the bill please? And whatever this one says she’s not to pay” The waiter laughs and nods as he clears our plates away from the table even when he’s out of ear shot Jared still doesn’t particularly lower his voice “I’m going to make you squirt”   
I nearly spat water out of my mouth then, he does it on purpose wait until I’m doing something then will say something really smutty “What?”   
“For the next month, I am going to learn how to make you squirt and you’re going to tell me how do it ok?” I swallow, his eyes have glazed over slightly his pupils blown in total lust “Say yes Jared”   
“Yes Jared”   
“Good girl…”   
*******************************************************************************************  
We’ve been in bed for days, we’ve been having sex for days and I am having performance anxiety. I’ve tried telling him that I don’t know how it happened before it just did but Jared will not give up until he’s reached his goal. And I am not going to complain, unless I get cystitis again, then I will and LOUDLY while I’m at it. I wonder how many orgasms a woman can physically have before she gets bored of them. I wonder if everyone has an orgasm allocation and then when they run out you don’t get anymore, god I hope not. They’re all different, never the same, the tingly ones like light and warmth, the ones where it feels like a rocket is launching out of your core all screaming hot and spasms, the really slow building ones where you feel like you’re gonna cum for ages before it actually happens, the ones where the earth really does move, the ones that happen so quick you’re left wondering what actually happened just then, the ones that make you feel like you’re floating stretching out the ends of your fingers, the ones that make your toes curl and your knees shake and all the others in between. I don’t think I’ve ever cum so much, I cannot think of a better way to hide from the world and all the wedding shit than this, even if what he wants to happen isn’t. I’m still enjoying myself and I’d say from the amount of cum that’s in my hair, has been wiped off various parts of my body, is on the sheets, and just fucking everywhere (I’m sure there’s some on the wall) that’s he’s having a dam good time too.   
Shannon physically comes and drags him out of the apartment (he’d been calling him for days and Jared had just been letting it go to voicemail so in the end he came and banged on the door) to help him put together the baby’s crib leaving me with Char who takes great delight in me telling her all about Jared’s current mission seeing as sex for her is kind of impossible right now and it’s pissing her off apparently. Me and Char since the whole ‘I tethered him to the headboard’ revela-tion have become very open about our sex lives. And to me it’s like a whole new world, I’ve never had this, me and V I think… We’ve never really talked in great depth about it I mean we have said things like ‘yeah I fucked him’ ‘yeah big dick’ ‘was alright’ but there’s never been the graphic de-scriptions me and Char get into. She suggests we Google female ejaculation, which then brings up porn (of course) so we watch porn together for THREE hours. Three hours of lesbians and orgies and double penetration and strap ons and sex swings and I have never watched porn with anyone before. I used to watch it alone before there was a Jared in my life, and if you say it doesn’t turn you on, that there isn’t a porno out there that makes you want to hump yourself into to nearest hard surface you’re lying, everyone loves porn… and holy hell that’s IT.   
Jared and Shannon fall in through the door to find me and Char sitting in the middle of the couch watching Porn on the flat screen, the 60” surround sound flat screen it’s so big it may as well be in 3D “I figured it out” I turn to Jared with a beaming grin on my face   
“And I just found my fiancé watching porn with my brother’s pregnant girlfriend” Poor Jared I don’t think he knows if he should be horny or confused right now  
“Why are you watching porn? No one watches porn together unless they’re fucking each other, and seeing as you are pregnant and incapable and YOU…” Shannon points to me “Are just a bad influence I have no idea as to what is happening right now, I don’t know if I should be turned on or pissed off” Char spins her head round so she can see Shannon and her whole expression changes from slightly giggly to dead serious… ahhh I know where that’s going *wink wink*  
“Well Emmy this was… educational… yes that’s the best word…. SHANNON let’s go home… NOW” Char’s off the couch and pulling Shannon out of the door before I can say anything else, the porn is still blaring out, some Russian woman shouting to do her harder, Jared picks up the remote and the screen goes blank   
“Porn?” He’s leaning over the back of the couch his face fairly close to mine, he’s all sweaty from where he’s been doing manly building type things, yup that is going to get the engine ticking over straightaway   
“Porn”   
“You watch porn?” he says that so slowly, like he’s just discovered some huge secret I thought everyone watched porn is this a big deal?   
“I watched porn before we were together”   
“Why did I not know this?”   
“How else did you think I got myself off?”   
“So essentially what you’re telling me is you’d get a bit hot, put on you-porn and make yourself cum while watching people fucking?”   
“Yes” I watch his pupils blow, making his eyes almost black, oh crap  
“Get in the fucking bedroom Amelia… NOW”   
“Make me” I shouldn’t have said that because I’m picked up off the couch, thrown over his shoul-der like a piece of meat and carried in there where I’m hurled down on the bed, this bed is gonna break soon I’m sure of it  
“I’ve been going about this all wrong” he’s stripping out of his clothes so fast he’s like a blur of fab-ric, there’s no rush Jared, I’m not going anywhere “Why are you not naked yet? Take off whatever it your wearing please” HEY! I am incredibly stylish Mr Rainbow Brite leggings thank you. I’m wear-ing a bra because as close as me and Char are, yeah bras are still required, a shirt of Jared’s and my running shorts, I’ve gone so long without being properly dressed I’m no longer sure I know what clothing is, maybe I’ll just stay naked till Christmas and order everyone’s gifts online and I’ll just go from naked to wedding dress (I’ll cancel the Bachelorette party this is much more exciting). He gets on the bed next to me and just lays there… ok, not where I was expecting this to go, I thought I was about to be tossed around while there’s some porn on the ipad or something? No? Ok… I strip out of my ‘clothing’ and pull myself next to him on the bed. He doesn’t touch me we’re just laid on our backs side by side. “Tell me about it”   
“About what?” I am so confused as to what is going on right now  
“Tell me about the porn, I want to know what you like to watch and why” I blush before I do any-thing and bring my hands up to cover my face this is so embarrassing and it shouldn’t be “Come on Amelia I’ve cum on your face, you’ve cum on my face, we’re done with sexual barriers and you are far from being a prude so, tell me about the porn…” He leans over me and pulls my hands away from my face so he can see me. Things feel really quite sweet right now but I know they’re about to get really filthy, right come on Amelia, you can tell him you just sat through three hours of hard core porn with Char without giving it a second thought you can tell Jared   
“I like to watch…” He’s propped up on his hand with his free hand roaming across my body just stroking so all the little hairs all over my body start standing on end “Girls getting fucked”   
“I think you can do better than that… so carry on…” His hand is resting between my hip bones fin-gers pointed downwards “What do you like about it?”   
I don’t know if I can put it into words, because when I watch it with the purpose of an aid to getting myself off I’m not thinking in words more what my fingers are doing “Fucking, just proper fucking, no toys, not masses of oral sex, not orgies, just straight fucking… I love watching tiny petite chicks with really perky tits get banged into hard surfaces, I like watching them get…” I feel his finger slips between my folds oh fuck   
“Stay with me Amelia… don’t think about what my hand is doing, think about what you’re saying, think about what you can see when you watch it” Never mind seeing anything I can feel his dick prodding me in the hip, he can move it unaided with his stupidly ripped abdominal muscles, it’s so fucking close to my hand I could just wrap my fingers around it “You like watching them get what?” He takes the hand of mine that was near his dick and puts it to my clit where his hand was, god I’m so wet. He shifts position slightly and uses his fingers to slide inside me, oh Christ, see this is where it all goes to pot because I just cum I can’t help it I don’t know how I make it squirt when I do it just happened and yes it happened while I watched porn but I wasn’t TRYING to do it, I give up it’s not going to happen  
“I like watching them get penetrated I like seeing them get fucked really deeply it’s even better when the guys are loud…” Oh god Jared what are you doing? It feels really good but really odd at the same time my clit is starting to tingle this isn’t going to last very long, because now all I can see when I close my eyes is a collection of every porno I’ve ever watched to get myself off “I think about how good it must feel to get fucked that hard…” my back starts arching away from the bed Jared you are going to need to fuck me now because I have a feeling I’m going to cum so hard any second that I’ll be too stupefied to get you off as well  
“Hold it… just a little bit longer” He adds another finger inside me stretching me further open, our hands are brushing against each other between my legs. I am dying I am fit to burst, stick a fork (or your dick in me) I am done “How do you think it feels to get fucked that hard?”   
“I know how it feels to get fucked that hard” it feels pretty much like this only more dick less finger, dick Jared I need your dick, I can still feel it against my leg “I like to watch the guys cum, that’s what gets me off” we have lift off, that’s it, that’s it in a fucking nutshell I like watching guys cum, I like the faces they make, the sounds that come out of them, all of it, it’s so fucking…   
“Do you like watching me cum?” I don’t know how he’s doing it but he’s got his other hand around his dick I can feel it hitting the outside of my thigh as he strokes himself forcefully   
“Oh god yes… so much… some days it’s all I can think about, your face when you cum, how it feels when your dick’s inside me twitching, the noise you make as you cum when we’ve not been to-gether in weeks”   
“Yeah?” His breath is hot at my ear, how did he get so close to me? I’m not going to open my eyes, I don’t feel as if I’m on the bed anymore I can’t feel it beneath me all I can feel is his and my hands “I love watching you cum Amelia, I think about it when I’ve got my hand wrapped round my dick when you’re not there to wrap yourself around it…”   
“OH HOLY FUCK JARED” it explodes I can’t stop it, all I can do is feel it, all wet running between my thighs over my hand, over his hand, I doubt it’s a lot of liquid but it feels like masses, god it’s weird, it’s so fucking weird but the orgasm that comes with it has me buckling away from the bed (if I’m even still on it) my chest pushing upwards along with my hips   
“Oh god yes…” He lets out this loud cry and I fall back to the bed with a thud, along with a really jizzed on thigh, NOW I think we should change the sheets “I really want to give you a high five right now but I’m covered in cum”   
I burst out laughing before I can stop, he’s such a fucking doofus, this is what sex should be like, I never want it to change, but right now I’d quite like a rest from it, I’ve actually got cramp in my toes “I’ve got a camp foot”   
“Has it started dressing in sequins and listening to ABBA?”   
“NO…” I have another fit of giggles “Sorry I meant CRAMP I have CRAMP in my foot…”   
“Oh well… hang on there Little Pea…” He moves pulling a towel up from the floor and mops up his hand and my thigh, the trick is to kind of scoop not just rub it’s like oil it’ll just keep fucking spread-ing and towels work better than tissues. I don’t know how he’s moving around so quick all I can do is just lie down, I am not moving ever again, I’ll have some soup through a straw later and then he can just put the covers over me. The jizz covered sweaty sticky covers, yeah I’ll move just not quite yet… OW fucking hell   
“OW OW OW” He’s bending my foot back and it really hurts  
“Sorry… how’s that?” He puts his thumb on to the pad of my foot and pushes rubbing in circles   
“So good… are we done with the mammoth fucking now?”   
“I made YOU jizz so yeah for now… porn… my wife to be watches porn”   
“I don’t know why you’re so shocked about this, where did you think I learnt all my moves?” He’s cell begins ringing, I assume it’s in his pants pocket as he nearly topples off the bed trying to reach it, he ignores the call and turns his attention back to my feet, if me jizzing means I get my feet rubbed I am going to teach myself how to do it all the time. His phone starts ringing again frustrat-ed he answers it wedging it between his shoulder and ear so he can keep rubbing my feet. In years to come this is will probably be as near as we get to fucking…   
“Shannon I only saw you an hour ago I was good boy I left the apartment I built the crib and… Oh… no shit… yeah shall we… right ok calm down…” My body moves upwards I know what’s happening right now before Jared’s even hung up the phone “Yeah Amelia is moving like her ass is on her fire, don’t think I need to tell her, ok we’ll see you there, yes I’ll get Mom ok? Bye”   
“Baby?”   
“Baby” 

Constance was on her doorstep when we got there looking hella pissed at us. I’m so sorry see this was his fault it really was. I was actually dressed and ready to go despite still having crusty cum on my thigh it was him faffing and panicking when really he should have been out the door because his brother needed him. He went into a total meltdown ‘we’ll have to cancel the wedding’ ‘I’m not getting married without my brother’ ‘why is this happening now’ oh my god Jared drama. See THIS is why MEN don’t have babies. Before we’d sat through porn for three hours Char had very graph-ically explained to me that the baby’s head was engaged (whatever that meant she didn’t quite get it and she’s the pregnant one) and it could happen any day, the sooner the better she said she was fed up and fat and didn’t want to go in to labour at the wedding or really still be pregnant at the wedding. Doctors never get these things quite right, even in the 21st century it’s kind of guess-timation STILL because no woman is the same no baby is the same, it’s what makes us human. All Dr’s really know are averages from compiled data, and even then that was probably taken in the 1960’s people change biology changes.   
I think I was the calmest person in the car on the way to the hospital which makes a change, me being calm? I could have a panic attack in Whole Foods over buying a pack of gum yet I feel nothing but calm right now. Jared’s weaving in and out of the traffic so fucking fast I should be feeling mo-tion sick but nope nothing. Constance is on the phone to Char’s parents who are about to board a flight from San Diego so they’ll be here in a couple of hours. The maternity suite / ward thing is pretty nice, it’s like a hotel really, and I can’t hear any women yelling which is a plus. Shannon comes out to the waiting room looking so pale he’s see through and in tears, is something going really wrong?   
“She wants Emmy” what? No one wants me “Told me to fuck off and not come back unless I had Emmy, so you…” Shannon’s fingers crush around my wrist, which is not a drum stick you fucking ass hat that really hurts “come with me…” I don’t even get chance to say anything to Jared before I’m pulled into a room and these doors must be fucking soundproof because it’s so loud when I get in there it’s deafening, baby’s heartbeat, Char’s heartbeat machines beeping and whirring   
“It’s ok baby I got her…” Char is on her side facing away from me, mask (I’m assuming it’s for pain relief) strapped to her face, oh shit this doesn’t look good I’m going to take a mental picture of this in case I ever get any inkling that I want a baby of my own   
“Don’t call me baby, you fucking prick” oh this is going to be good… no this is upsetting Shannon I get it, that’s why the tears, oh Shannon man the fuck up. I get round to face Char and there’s a chair next to her, I assume it’s where Shannon’s been sat as his jacket is slung across the back   
“S’up?” I’m not going to hold her hand that’s not what she needs   
“I’m in fucking labour”   
“I can see that”   
“It fucking hurts”   
“I bet it does”   
“This is all your fault” whoa no YOU Charlotte had sex with him Shannon so why is this my fault? “I read…” she takes a huge breath in “that sex can bring on labour… SHANNON FUCK OFF” Poor Shannon he’s rubbing her back stood behind her but she’s not having any of it right now and he slinks off out of the room   
“So how is this my fault?”   
“I didn’t think it would actually work, I just wanted to have sex that was all, half an hour later my fucking waters broke and now this… which… OW HOLY FUCKING JESUS FUCKING GOD”   
“Breathe Char come on…” I start doing the labour coaching we’d done when we’d been sat in my apartment all panting and stupid faces “And how is you having sex with Shannon my fault?” be-cause last time I looked it was what people in relationships (and not) did  
“The porn, the fucking porn, I blame you I am holding you totally responsible for this, if I hadn’t sat through three hours of fucking FUCKING then I could be sat with my feet up drinking tea and watching Supernatural BUT NO you and Jared and your mad fucking sex and now I’m here and…” I wince as her face contorts with another contraction “I can’t do it Emmy I can’t do it, I’m not ready, it hurts, this shouldn’t be happening” She starts to cry, oh god, no don’t cry please don’t cry what can I do to make it stop. Right Amelia mental slap to face, pep talk, you give them to yourself all the time, if you hadn’t given yourself one Jared Leto wouldn’t be sitting in the waiting room, waiting for you.   
“Now you listen to me Charlotte Browning, stop being such a fucking pussy, this is a baby not world war fucking three, this baby is going to come out and you’re going to be the one to do it and then I’m going to get you the biggest fucking vodka martini I can find and buy you a bridesmaid dress, anything you fucking want but I can’t do that until the baby is here, so you be nice to Shan-non, you let him in here, you let him hold your hand, and you push when they tell you to push, get the fuck on with because I’ve only been here five minutes I’m bored already and I’ve got dried cum cracking off the side of my thigh, I want a shower, I want something to eat and I want my foot to stop fucking cramping so you’re going to stop dicking around and get the fuck on with this so we can ALL go home and watch Supernatural on catch up ok?”   
“Don’t cry” she reaches across and takes my hand, sorry, sorry this is emotional I’ve never seen this before when Jack was born I was at LACMA and being tied up by Jared   
“I can’t fucking help it” there are tears streaming down my face   
“WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SHOUTING?” The nurse that’s just come into check looks aghast at the raised voices   
“I’M GOING TO BE A FUCKING BRIDESMAID” Char screams through her next contraction   
“YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE THE FUCKING BABY FIRST SO GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT BROWNING COME ON” apparently I have the mentality of a high school football coach when it comes to best friends in labour I’m sure V would be in here doing the same, I hope she turns up at some point   
“Right I can do this…” she takes a deep breath in ad puffs out her cheeks “Thanks Emmy I needed that, go get Shannon please…”   
I wipe my face and make my way out of the room (I turn back and put a kiss to her head before I finally leave) and send Shannon back in and then the waiting starts. And the sitting. And the Jared pacing, which could you not? Char’s parents arrive and I’ve still got dried cum all up my leg, there’s got to be a bathroom round here. I move Jared who’s got his head rested on top of mine reading over my shoulder a gossip rag that’s about a year out of date and got our picture in it more amus-ingly than anything, we’re running, he looks like Jesus and I look like I should be dressed like Mary Magdalene. Stylish… this is why I stopped buying these things they’re not as much fun when you’re in them yourself.   
“I’m just going to the bathroom I’ll be right back ok?” he puts kiss to the top of my head but doesn’t say anything. Right bathroom there’s got to be one round here somewhere. This corridor looks really familiar this whole hospital looks really familiar they all look the same thought don’t they? Have I been here before? Maybe when V cut her hand when we were in college and we were both really high on weed and laughed through the whole thing despite being covered in blood and her having stitches. Feet where are you going? I’m miles away from the maternity suite thing now. I went down a flight of stairs to find the surgical theatres and wards so I went down an-other floor. And then it hits me, I know where I am, shit, shit, shit, no no NO NO NO. Where’s my purse? I didn’t bring it. Where’s my phone? I didn’t bring it. Jared? Jared? JARED? Constance? Ve-ronica? Mom? Dad? Art? Don’t leave me here, don’t leave me here I don’t want to be here there’s nothing wrong, there’s nothing wrong I don’t know what you’re talking about. Someone come and get me I don’t belong here, not anymore. I walk past the sign that says ‘Feeding Clinic’ and I don’t know how to get out panic finally washes over me. Help, HELP please help. I feel like I’m drowning and then there’s the smell, the smell of the food they forced me to eat, I can feel it stick-ing to the back of my throat, making my eyes burn. People shuffling past me in nightwear bones jutting out of them at awkward angles a parade of skeletons still thinking they’re fat. I haven’t been here since I was discharged everything else happened away from here. Here where I spent six weeks being force fed and made to talk about eating. I don’t… I need…   
“Are you ok honey?” there’s a nurse coming towards me with some hurry a concerned look on her face   
“I don’t belong here…” I sink down the wall in the corridor burying my head in my hands, trying to block it all out, like a mental scream   
“You don’t look like you do”   
“I only wanted the bathroom”   
“They’re for patients only on this floor” I know lady trust me I fucking know, can you make the smell stop though please? And the blood rushing in my ears? And tell my parents that I don’t need to be here I’ll get better on my own I promise… Am I crying? I did nothing but cry when I was here   
“Emmy” Sounds like V, V is here to see me, she doesn’t hate me even though I starved myself, I’m sorry I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to upset you, now please let them take me home, please  
“Does she belong to you?”   
“Yeah she belongs to me… Jared she’s down here”   
“Keep your voice down please young lady”   
“And you can keep shuffling that way” I hear the nurse walk away smacking her lips as she goes   
“Little Pea?” I can smell him now not the food, he must be crouching down in front of me, I don’t belong here Jared, I want to go home with my Mom and Dad and brother, I’ll get better I will I swear “Come on Little Pea it’s alright… sshhhh… it’s alright... shit I’m sorry I didn’t know, I didn’t even think I…” His hands force their way into my space and pull my head away from my hands to face him “Hey… it’s ok… come on” he looks up to V “How long she was here for?”   
“Six weeks, this was the worst part of it, I don’t… she was like a shell… it was…” V don’t you cry, I’m sorry this is all my fault, I just wanted to be thin I didn’t want to make people cry   
“You don’t belong here anymore Little Pea, you’re better now aren’t you?” I nod why am I doing this? It was just such a… I don’t know… I bury things that’s the problem and then there’ll be a trig-ger and everything comes rushing back “Look at me…” he’s got his hands cupped around my face wiping my tears away with his thumbs like he did after my nightmare “You’re beautiful Amelia, my beautiful lady love, and you don’t need to be here anymore do you?”   
“No”   
“How did you end up down here?” He pulls me up to my feet, and my body feels like it’s made out of jelly all limp, marathon fucking – labour – slight breakdown does not make for solid legs to walk on it would seem   
“I was looking for a bathroom and I don’t know my feet just brought me here, how did you find me?”   
“I…” Jared put his hand to V’s face to stop a logical explanation coming out of her mouth  
“Because you’re my Little Pea and it’s my job to find you when you’re lost” Oh yeah I’ll take that, V rolls her eyes “Come meet your niece”   
“My niece?”   
“Yup all ten pounds of her, Shannon’s having his hand X-rayed Char squeezed it so hard she dislo-cated his finger”   
We’re in the elevator going up now, poor Char, poor Shannon “TEN POUNDS?”   
“Oh yes and Shannon proposed too”   
“I missed it all huh?”   
He puts one arm around me and one arm around V who looks a bit surprised but more what the fuck is happening as he puts a kiss to the top of her head “Yes well if it hadn’t been for V… you would be the one being missed… so…” I hear him sniffle slightly sorry Lion Man “Come meet Harri-ett Leto… officially my favourite niece”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

After all the baby excitement it’s nice to sit down at home. I’ve got so much paperwork to catch up on and Amelia is on some kind of mad spring cleaning mission, I have no idea why seeing as its De-cember. Maybe it’s because there’ll be so many people traipsing through the apartment in the lead up to the wedding and she doesn’t want people thinking we live in a shit tip (which we don’t thanks to my OCD fiancé). Maybe it’s because she’s got a mad thought about starting married life in a clean apartment. I actually have no idea but that would be how her mind works. She’s kind of on holiday, has put a hold on all art type things. Didn’t want to do half assed jobs when people pay so much for their commissions because she’s distracted by final wedding preparations and bache-lorette parties and finding Char a bridesmaid dress that holds her massive tits in (Amelia’s words not mine) although my sister in law to be has certainly erm… grown in the chest area recently that’s for sure.   
Yesterday it was the kitchen, poor Beast every time he finds a hiding place away from all the clean-ing products and vacuum she’s in there clattering around, filling trash bags with god knows what. If I didn’t know any better I would say she was ‘nesting’ but she insists its needed doing for a while, she wanted to do it before I moved in but I kind of just turned up with all my stuff before she could even clean the massive bath. Sorry Little Pea I just wanted to be here with you… Today I think it’s the bedroom, there’s a lot of noise coming from in there and occasional curse words. I have a ten-dency to put things in piles, just piles of stuff, then when I want to work on whatever is in a par-ticular pile I take myself to it. This means though, because of how she is, she just cleans round them, not asking me to sort them out or move them, she’s lovely like that, even if it is making her cuss.   
I’d not noticed her come into the room, I was too engrossed in a contract that had been sent over for some tour stuff, they’re saying we didn’t fulfil our contractual obligations and only played for forty five minutes instead of forty eight or something. These things drive me mad… Out of the cor-ner of my eye I can see a blur of black and white and momentarily I think she might be dressed as a penguin (nothing would surprise me, she has one of those onesie things that makes her look like the Cheshire Cat… weirdo) so I turn my attention back to paragraph three of page however fucking many. But there’s a clacking sound, normally when she walks across the floor I can’t hear anything she’s so light on her feet fucking little twinkle toes that she is but this is like the clacking of heels on wood. Maybe she’s trying to break in some new shoes for the bachelorette party? Right paragraph four of a million… What the fuck is she doing? Little Pea… she’s trying to dust up behind the TV I think, I’m going to have to help her aren’t I? I should have read this at the lab… I look up and holy Mary mother of god what the fuck is this?   
“Are you… what are you doing…”   
“Sorry sir I didn’t realise you were here I’ll just finish dusting and I’ll get out of your way or if you like I could come back later?”   
You filthy fucking… I try and compose myself before I say anything to my fiancé who’s dressed as a French maid complete with the little hat “Carry on… just try not to make too much noise please”   
“Of course sir…” Oh I like this, Sir? Yes that’ll do nicely… I look down to my dick, dammit don’t rise to her. I really do need to read this contract only I’m sure I already read this part about ten times. She’s even got a little feather duster, where the fuck does she get these things? She’s like a fuck-ing sex magician. She’s whistling something that sounds like Tiny Dancer as she’s pretending to dust “Would you like a drink sir?”   
“Tea please” I should have said fucking tease please… she stalks past me in the most obscenely high black heels, she’s clearly been hiding them somewhere. Dick I said stay fucking still she wants to play and you’ll get overly excited and composure is what is needed here. There’s a tea cup placed on the table in front of me and as she bends forwards I can see right down her top she’s not wearing a bra just the satin of her outfit falling away from her skin. I try and give her my most dis-missive look and turn back to my contract, it works because she turns her back to me and walks over to the entertainment stuff under the TV, shit Little Pea that wiring is so fucking ropey I keep meaning to get someone to come sort it out don’t electrocute yourself, then I realise she’s not ac-tually touching anything really, but she is bending over and really quite far as well the bottom part of her little dress riding up. She’s not got any panties on… none, and what I thought were white tights are white hold up stockings. DICK for fucks sake down boy please. Don’t stare don’t stare don’t stare…   
“Whoops dropped my duster…” She’s on her knees now ass in the air, you filthy little whore I swear to god Amelia you drive me crazy   
“Clumsy… I think you missed a spot…”   
“Where sir?” I don’t respond with words but I point to a spot in front of me on the coffee table, she stalks over to me with a sly grin and standing right in front of me back towards me legs togeth-er she bends right over, her ass so close to me “Here?” I nod as she runs her feather duster over the spot I pointed to. I try not to look at her ass oh god I try not to but it’s so hard, and that’s not the only thing that’s so fucking hard right now “Anywhere else sir?” She’s still bent over in front of me and I can see how turned on she is, I can see her arousal glistening at the tops of her thighs and all along her folds. DAMMIT AMELIA don’t touch her, don’t touch her…   
“Yes here…” she stand up and spins round as I point at my dick which is doing its best to break free of my sweatpants   
“I’m not that kind of maid… sir…”   
“I’ll pay you more”   
“And how do you suggest I clean it?” All I want to do is push her on her back and nail her on top of the coffee table, let those heels dig into my ass, but I’m enjoying myself here I’d quite like to drag this out. Even more I’d like to see her on her knees with my dick in her mouth “With my duster?”   
“Don’t answer me back maid”   
“Sorry sir” my toes are fucking curling in my socks, that submissive face, urgh   
“You can apologise by getting on your knees…” I don’t break eye contact away from her as I re-move my bottoms and socks, I didn’t have a top on anyway, it’s really fucking hot in here, and it’s about to get even fucking hotter. Jesus Christ I don’t think I’ve ever known my dick get as hard as she makes it, I feel fit to burst already, who knew I had a thing for French Maids? To be honest I just have a thing for her no matter what she’s wearing   
“Yes sir” she drops to her knees and looks up at me all fucking innocent sparkling blue eyes and wet lips   
“Don’t just look at it, suck it clean” she wraps her hand around the base first in a strong grip and still looking up at me she runs her tongue around her lips before she puts them to the tip swirling her tongue round me like I’m a fucking popsicle. I do my best to keep my hands at my sides, play the role a bit not let her know that I have to concentrate so fucking hard not to just cum as soon as she sinks her lips down and puts her mouth around my dick, the perfect amount of pressure coming from her tongue and cheeks. I let my hand tangle into her hair just tug her back and forth a bit harder. She’ll let me know if I’m doing wrong, I’ve had some proper bruises from her pinching me when I’ve been too rough with her. And that’s fine with me if she’s not having a good time too there’s no point in doing it “Good maid…” she’s still looking up at me, usually I can’t see her eyes when she does this, her hair falls into her face, but the little hat thing that goes with her outfit is keeping her hair held back. I’m going to have to stop her soon, or I’m going to cum and I want to fuck her so badly, I think she should be spanked as well for this pure naughtiness “I think… you…” Hold it Jared hold it “…should give the coffee table a French polish”   
“Sorry sir I don’t know what you mean?” She still got my dick in her palm just running her hand up and down it, I look down just in time to see her other hand cup my balls, oh fuck… and you know dam well what I mean Amelia   
“It means get on your back on the fucking table… maid”   
“Yes sir” she tears herself away from me and carefully moves my tea cup on to the floor before she lays herself down on the coffee table her feet on the floor near mine. Dress rucked up so I can see her pussy. Before I can get near her she moves her arms, one going up pulling her breasts free of her dress and the other moving down sliding between her folds. I could sit her all day and watch her finger herself making herself cum as I look on trying not to follow the direction my dick is twitching in.   
“Stop that…”   
“But I’m so dirty sir” and don’t I fucking know it Amelia my head hasn’t been turned in two years because you’re so fucking dirty I don’t need to look anywhere else  
“Well then I better lick you clean” I get on my knees, my ass just sliding off the sofa, she’ll wriggle as soon as I start this and it’s so distracting in a wonderful way so I put my hands to take a firm grip on her hips and push down as hard as I can keeping her still as I put my tongue to her core and I’m right she tries to buck her hips up straight away, just pushing herself further on to my face. And it’s not that I don’t like it far from it, I love it, but I want this to last, I want to make her cum, to thank her for her ridiculous get up and amazing submissive behaviour “Stay still maid”   
“Yes sir” She tastes like heaven, like in Lost in Translation with the chick in the pink wig? Heaven is the right answer. Her clit is so swollen I can feel it on the end of my tongue, fucking throbbing. I bite her folds gently and she starts moaning, panting, moving. I need to put my dick in her, I’ve held out as long as I fucking could and if she cums on my face now I’m going to cum without even fuck-ing touching myself.   
I drag her hips further towards the edge of the table and pull her legs up so her ankles are rested on my shoulders, those heels look really fucking sharp close up, you’ll have to stay still Amelia or else I’ll get a stiletto to the skull. Taking my dick in my hand I slide it up between her folds up to her clit and she moans again, I know Amelia I know I feel it too. I push myself into her as hard and as far as I can. She’s so fucking tight she always is so tight and so ready… Because of the height of the coffee table this angle is so deep I worry I’m going to hurt her but she’s looking me in the eye and it’s like a sign for ‘ok go’ which I do without much grace or style I start fucking her, just pounding into her, my hands gripped around her calves as the satin of her dress helping her slide to and fro across the surface of the table  
“Such a good maid, so eager to please…”   
“Oh yes sir…” she lifts her hips further up and puts her hands to her breasts just fucking squeezing them where they’re spilling out over the top of her outfit. Such a fucking tease, I want to touch them but I will lose my balance if I do.   
“Use your fingers to wipe your clit, you’ve spilt something…” The second she puts her hand there I have to tense slightly as now not only can I feel her pussy around my dick I can feel her fingers too just brushing the base of it with every thrust. I’m not going to look down I want to watch her as she cums, feeling it is enough. She rubs herself slowly I always try and remember how she does it so I can do it to her just the way she likes it “Are you going to cum for me?”   
“Yes sir”   
“Good maid” I feel her walls pulling and tightening as she gets closer, her head thrown back slight-ly, crying out in pleasure. Hold it Jared hold it just a little bit longer, try thinking unsexy thoughts? I can’t all I can think of and feel and smell and taste is her… Her pussy spasms around me as she cums pulling me further into her as she always does and finally I look down just watching my dick slam in and out of her, all those wonderful juices of hers coating my dick “I’m going to cum…” oh god I really am I can feel it everywhere my body vibrating, sweat is pouring off me, my balls are pulling tighter, everything is tensing, just… oh fuck… I think I just left fingertip bruises on her calves then I gripped them so tight as I came, I didn’t feel like I was part of this world for a moment there. When I open my eyes and look down though I know I’m going to be in trouble “Whoops”   
“Did you get cum on the fucking table?” And just like that my little submissive whore maid is gone and a slightly pissed fiancé takes her place   
“It’s your own fault, what the fuck is with the fucking French Maid get up?” I let go of her legs and try and regain some kind of composure   
“You looked pissed off at your paper work I thought it’d be fun”   
“It made me get cum on the table”   
“I’ll clean it up…” she sits up straight looking me dead in the eye while putting the smallest of kisses to my lips “I am the maid after all… sir”


	15. Chapter 15

I’m MADE to go to my bachelorette dinner. But I want to stay in the apartment and get naked with Jared, I think we’re in some kind of (pre) honeymoon phase of sexing and it’s awesome I even dressed as a maid and called him Sir! No not a good enough excuse? Great I’ll go then. And it’ll be nice to see Char without a small person (not Shannon) attached to her boob. Harriett Leto (Harry for short) is the greatest thing in the world with the tiniest little feetsies. Did I just say feetsies? Christ… but she’s SO cute and SO small, and like a mini Shannon with loads of fluffy brown hair but the bluest eyes, and she’s REALLY loud when she yells.   
Me and Jared (who shouldn’t be left in charge of a stuffed toy) looked after her for a couple of hours while Shannon and Char went to the market and stocked up on things they hadn’t gotten yet seeing as her arrival took everyone by surprise. We stood and looked at her for ten minutes and decided that it couldn’t be that hard look at her she’s so small, and she’s asleep too so we went about with whatever we were doing (NOT sex though… no S E X in front of the B A B Y) but then she starting making this funny noise, like a gurgle and we thought she was dying or something and panicked. I pulled her out of her car seat before Jared could even get up, I think some kind of womanly maternal thing kicked in and I was so quick in getting to her only to have her projectile vomit milk down by shirt. Thanks Harry, I am going to tell your first boyfriend (or girlfriend you know whichever) about this. I left her with Jared while I went to clean up and she started yelling, just fucking screaming, we tried changing her nappy, singing to her, winding her, giving one of the bottles we’d been left with, nope nothing could stop it, until Beast jumped on to the arm of the couch next to her in my arms and that was it, the cat purred the baby stopped crying. By the time she was collected from us she was back in her car seat with Beast curled protectively around the base of it while me and Jared were stood looking a bit dazed as to what just happened.   
And I had actually left the apartment seeing as Char is now not only the proud owner of a brides-maid dress (the same as V and Katie’s) but more importantly a bra that straps her newly swollen tits down and also has room for breast pads seeing as she keeps leaking everywhere. Boob foun-tains it’s hilarious well Char, V and me think it’s hilarious anyone with a dick is horrified by it be-cause they’re oh so mature about these things. We settle on just dinner at V’s. Jared goes to Shannon’s on the same night, again just for dinner (we are boring out of the bedroom apparently). There’s me, Char, V, Emma, Shayla, and Vicki that’s it. Constance has Harry at her house I’ll miss her lil stinky face, and nope STILL not got the desire to reproduce with my husband to be.   
I’m poured a large glass of wine as soon as I step in through the door, and it’s never empty the whole night. I’m thankful there are no stupid games or no one is strapping L plates to a net curtain attached to my head. Just good company, good food that V actually cooked herself (she’s such a good wife) and a dam good time. I fell off my chair but it was Emma’s fault she shoved me and I was a bit too wine happy to right myself before I fell.   
“Oh my god Emmy I’m so sorry… Jared will kill me if I break you” I’m helped back on my chair by Shayla and Vicki   
“S’ok, sorry you took me a bit by surprise then… thanks you know… you and Shayla for being… you know…”   
“I think she’d trying to say thank you for looking after her baby when she wasn’t there” Char looks a bit squinty over the top of her glass   
“Urgh don’t call him that”   
“Does he not call you baby?” Enquires an equally as wine happy Vicki, I like her we don’t spend enough time together, usually we’re like ships that pass in the night, when she’s with Mars I’m not and vice versa I got a bit of a complex about it but it’s just one of those things, she doesn’t hate me though, which I thought she did so you know that’s good…  
“Oh god no”   
“Boo?” Shayla giggles at that as she says it she’s a funny little stick   
“Eewww no, he rarely even calls me Emmy only ever Amelia or Little Pea”   
“Shannon calls me both…” I look at Char and I have no idea what she’s on about I’ve started to lose the conversation thread “Boo and baby Charlotte when I’m naughty”   
“DON’T… NO… I don’t want to hear about Fifty Shades of Leto” V sticks her fingers in ears, well one of her ears she’s trying to hold on to her wine glass at the same time   
“I have to ask Emmy I’m sorry and ladies please feel free to block your ears but I need to know about Jared in bed, I have a… curiosity that must be killed…” Vicki is leant across V so far she’s near-ly her lap   
“If she doesn’t I will” says Char with a point   
“It’s lovely…”   
“Lovely?” Vicki screws her nose up   
“Yeah…” V tops of my wine glass “When… erm… we erm… for the first time I hadn’t in a while… and erm… yeah he was just really lovely”   
“Well that wasn’t what I was expecting to hear”   
“I’m JUST getting started…” Vicki leans in a bit closer she’s actually gonna be in my lap soon “… THEN we started with the bondage and the spanking…”   
“And the sex swing”   
“How do you know about the sex swing Veronica?”   
“Because Jamie was there when he bought it, and he bought us one too” I nearly topple out of my chair again because HA! Dirty birdies, all of us…   
“And the vibrator called Satan” CHARLOTTE!   
“And the French Maids outfit” Continues V (she was there when I bought that)   
“OKAY that’s enough to satisfy my curiosity what I REALLY want to know though is…” Vicki finally leans back into her own chair “…why Emmy was never lynched by Jared fangirls, all his other… whatever they were, were slated, slagged off, bitched about and at, and then you turn up Emmy and everyone goes oh my goodness Jammy are so cute… and that was it… no oh it’ll be over in five minutes or God she’s such a bitch what the fuck is she wearing?”   
I shrug, it’s not really something I ever thought about not since the girl with brown hair in Whole Foods I just kind of blocked it all out. Plus I’m not massive at using social media anymore or reading gossip magazines so I half assumed I was just missing all the slating by not being part of it.   
“I knew from the start we’d end up here…” Emma who’s been fairly quiet all night bursts out with that revelation “He… I don’t know, I’d seen him fuck around, I’d cleaned up the mess of his affairs and then all of a sudden there’s Emmy and she’s all he‘s talking about and… his whole aura changed and that’s what did it, that’s what stopped the slagging, him, it was obvious to anyone with half a brain cell that he was finally in love it didn’t matter that Emmy wasn’t… his usual what-ever… love comes in strange shapes, and for Jared it came shaped like Emmy… oh god sorry… don’t cry have I upset you? Shit sorry”   
I wipe the tears that have fallen, I’m just drunk and happy not sad “I denied it for so long, did you know that? Even after he told me he loved me I thought he was just winding me up it wasn’t until he… it was my birthday, V and Jamie’s engagement party and he brought a case full of stuff to leave at my apartment and promised me he wasn’t leaving … then I believed, and even though we had talked about getting married I didn’t expect him to actually propose I was in shock and naked and he’s there on his knee also naked asking me to marry him only about a month after we’d first talked about it I just didn’t see it coming at all”   
“Did you cry?”   
“Not until about 12 hours later when I was in the shower, after I’d told my Mom, then I cried, then I just cried for the whole trip because I had to go home without him after he’d just asked me to marry him”  
“He was so sad after you left… and there were all these girls that were dressed like you and had red hair like you and all smelt like you coming through meet and greet, poor Jared I don’t think I’d ever seen him look so sad slash confused… Until he got sick in Prague, god with his head in the bucket, and he was crying because he’d puked so much he’d hurt himself” Emma pulls a face at the memory “Then when you said you were coming I cried because I was relieved, but he was too out of it, even if I had told him you were on your way he wouldn’t have known”   
“He cried when I got there… there were a lot of tears… I’d had this dream you see before he left, this dream that it wasn’t real…” I’d not told anyone apart from Jared about the dream, not even V “That I’d made the whole thing up, none of it was real, even V and Jamie it had just all been in my head… and when I woke up I couldn’t move I was paralysed”   
“Sleep paralysis” Shayla said that so quietly I could only gather she’d experienced it before   
“Yeah… when I came too properly I was screaming and so disorientated and he was there and he just I dunno held me while I cried then… he erm… yeah… so that month we both saw each other at really low points with the tears and the puking”   
“Are you scared?”   
“About…”   
“The wedding” it’s almost a whisper that comes from Vicki, I wonder if she was scared marrying Tomo  
“More about being married to be honest, I mean what if we’re one of those couples who worked so well together and then fuck it up by getting married and I end up divorced and alone I honestly don’t think I could ever let anyone back in”   
“Why would you get divorced you lunatic? You’ve been together two years that’s longer than you have ever been with anyone, you still have masses of sex and not just a quick fumble every so of-ten sex and he loves you, I hate to point that out but Jared Leto is one hundred per cent in love with you, he knows about your ED he knows about your panic attacks in fact he cares for you when you have them… I think you’ll be just fine”   
“Says the woman who’s been waiting for my wedding freak out for nearly a year”   
“Yes well I still fully expect it on the day, I’ve got some Valleys because you will be a shaking nerv-ous wreck, but you shouldn’t be scared about what comes AFTER the wedding and lord knows you’re not afraid of the wedding night fuckery…”   
“V’s right, you and Jared it’s… meant to be, it’s just one of those weird things that you could never have thought would happen did, when I first met you in the kitchen I saw it, like he looks at you in this way that… it’s so cheesy but he looks at you like your gravity”   
“Gravity?” I’m now officially DRUNK and might need to go to bed, because I’m sure Char is com-paring me to a force of NATURE   
“Yeah I mean gravity it’s a weird thing right, like you can’t see it, but it’s there holding us down, making the earth spin the sun rise and set, controlling the moon the tides of the ocean, and that’s how he loves you like you’re his gravity”   
“That’s so beautiful”   
“I’m so drunk” Char slumps forwards into her hands and this party is officially over.  
*******************************************************************************************  
The rehearsal, it’s today, places people places…   
I can’t believe it’s here, I can’t believe how long it took me to get over my bachelorette party din-ner hangover. And I can’t believe Jared still thinks I’m sexy when he’s seen me with my head in a bucket puking wine out of my nose. He wasn’t as drunk as I was, in fact I don’t think he was drunk at all. When I asked Char if Shannon had had a good time she said they’d all just sat about looking at pictures of Harry and drinking beer like a load of old women. Well whatever floats your boat guys. Still not having babies though Jared sorry  
Christmas is done and wrapped, kind of, and sitting under the ugliest effing tree I have ever seen. It was even worse than the one in Artifact, it was lopsided, half bald in fact I think the guy should have paid US to take it away. It didn’t help either that every time we left the room Beast decided he was going to climb it and pull it over meaning that it just kept getting more and more lopsided to the point it ended up actually leant against the wall. But Jared is a sucker for ugly Christmas trees and bartering with people so it came home with us when really I think it should have gone to dump. At least the stockings were safe from cat attack. For now…  
I am still calm, still not taken any Valium V is walking round with a pack on her at all times though just in case. Everyone is here for the wedding. Baby Jack is no longer a baby more a toddler, does that make him toddler Jack now? Char and Katie had been exchanging horror stories on birth while me and V tried not to lose our lunches on a last shopping trip to make sure everyone had every-thing they could ever possibly need. V’s matron of honour bag was full to burst with safety pins, eyeliner, tissues, lipstick, nail polish, hairspray, mini bottles of vodka and of course Valium. I’d been waxed (and even with hairy legs and under arms before they were waxed Jared still wanted to have sex with me, now that’s what I call love) dyed, plucked, trimmed, polished and manicured and was trying not to spill anything on myself or get any visible bruises. I’m looking at YOU Jared Leto pushing me against things. My Mom was relieved that my echelon tattoo would be hidden by bracelets so it wasn’t going to have to be photoshopped out of the photographs, erm what about his? They’re bigger than mine, and you won’t be shopping them out, mind you… you probably won’t be able to see them.   
Assembling at the Plaza for the rehearsal was like a badly organised military manoeuvre but we all got there in the end. I felt like a right tit walking up the ‘aisle’ on my Dad’s arm in my skinny jeans and tank top and Jared just kept bursting into giggles when I walked towards him (and in no way was I pulling faces… *crosses fingers behind back*). Then we did it with Shannon and Char, Katie and Art and V and Jamie in front of me and Dad which worked until we all got to the top and Char couldn’t work out which side she should be on so we kind of all crashed into each other. THEN Har-ry started yelling so everything stopped, then Jack was hungry so everything stopped again, even-tually with sleeping children on grandmothers knees everyone got up the aisle, no giggling, no crashing and serious game faces. I made everyone do it one more time because I had a sudden freak out about how it would feel in my dress, which is a little constricting across my legs so I wrapped a table cloth around my bottom half as tight as I could an did it again (and wearing Con-stance’s heels because I’d forgotten totally about my feet and her shoes were the smallest) and STILL it was fine. This is really happening isn’t it? I’m marrying Jared Leto he’s going to stand up there in all his lion face loveliness in a suit and wait for ME. To marry HIM. Anxiety is that you? Deep breath in, nope, gone…   
We’re papped leaving of course. The world knows it’s happening on his birthday. I’m not bothered if they want to take pictures of it they can I’m not going to hide in a tent or anything. But they’ll not see anything anyway seeing as everything is inside and I doubt no one is desperate enough to see it to scale a building and look in through the windows (the wedding and reception are on the top floor, so we can use the roof terrace as well) I’m not Beyonce.   
If Jared was nervous he wasn’t giving anything away. I think both of us kept expecting this massive explosion of things to happen and chaos to reign, but all we were doing was sitting in the apart-ment watching Christmas movies and making out (gently, no bruises remember?) bracing our-selves for something to go wrong, for someone to get sick or hurt themselves, or the building to burn down, but nothing.   
“I guess we’re actually getting married huh?”   
“Looks like it Leto” He was sitting on the floor doodling on a pad while I was stretched out on the couch behind him, just twiddling his hair through my fingers. I’d told him I wanted him to wear it down for the wedding, no tying it back in man buns or whatever they were calling them, just down all wavy and lovely like a lions mane I think he was secretly happy that he’d literally only have to roll out of bed, no having to shave, no hairdressers, pull his suit on and he was ready to go. It’s alright for you Jared…   
“Are you worried?”   
“Nope… because I’m your gravity”   
“I don’t eat gravy…”   
“Not gravy” I pulled his hair away from his ear “GRAVITY Jared… gravity”   
“What does that even mean?” He turned his head to me giving me a look of total bewilderment probably very similar to the face I pulled at Char when she said it   
“Char said it, when she was drunk she said I was your gravity”   
“That’s oddly… beautiful it’s true though you are… the centre of my little universe, especially that freckle right there” He raised his hand to touch the end of my nose then turned his head (and hands) back to his doodles.   
“Has Shannon got the rings?”   
“For the thousandth time yes… sorry Little Pea… look stop sweating the small stuff huh? If he for-gets them we’ll make some out of aluminium foil, our wedding is about what it means to be mar-ried…” He’s just scribbling away tongue dancing across his bottom lip in concentration “NOT the day itself”   
“Sorry”   
“Don’t apologise, I’m impressed at how calm you are, you’re not going to turn into a runaway bride are you?”   
“No are you?”   
“You’re the bride…” Jared you are being pedantic it’s so annoying “But no, no matter who is wear-ing what, we are a hundred per cent getting married in less than three days” He doesn’t turn back to me again but he does put his hand up and pat me on the head. Jared! I need comfort here I think I might be starting to freak out. I need V and the Valleys, or you know my fiancé to stop being so utterly blasé about the fact we’re getting MARRIED   
“I’m gonna go out for a run”   
“Are you ok?”   
“Yeah I just…”   
“I know what you mean tell you what I’ll come with you, unless you want to go it alone in which case I totally understand and I’ll stay with Beast”   
I like running with Jared, I’m not going to say no. After all the couple that works out together stays together. BUT sometimes I admit I’m fairly convinced he comes with me to check up I’m not push-ing myself too hard. I know him and V had a big conversation about my eating disorder, I think she finally felt she had someone to pass the torch on to when it came to ‘keeping an eye’ on me. The triggers, the warning signs, who to call, what to do… not that I’ve needed it in years but Jared was taking it very seriously and I was hoping he’d lighten up over it eventually “Come with me… come on we’ll run it off”   
He started it first whistling the Rocky theme tune. I don’t know why. He does shit like that to be annoying, we need headphones, or I just need headphones to block him out. It takes a great deal of concentration for me to run, I’m not the most coordinated of people, and it takes a lot for me to not look like Phoebe on Friends running through the park. Which is even worse when you’re trying to run next to Jared Leto who’s like some kind of lean running machine all long legs striding along not even breaking a sweat hair flowing behind him like some kind of mythical warrior prince. GREAT now I’m running I’m going to fall over my own feet and I’ve got the Rocky theme tune stuck in my head (don’t pretend you’re not humming it now imagining running up steps because if you’re not who are you?) By the time we stop, he actually stops first which makes me feel a whole lot better about things because being fitter than Jared Leto? WIN. Or maybe I’m just more stub-born than Jared Leto which again WIN we were both full on singing the Rocky theme song and to-tally out of breath.   
“How far have we come? You ok Little Pea?”   
“Yeah good… I don’t know… maybe a mile or two”   
“Have you not got your pedometer?”   
“Didn’t bring my phone, shall we head back? You’ve got the apartment key right?”   
“I thought you had the key?”   
“No I thought YOU had a key…” SHIT double SHIT we’re locked out, and now the panic starts be-cause did I leave my hair iron on? No I haven’t used it today, I don’t think… “It’s ok just ring Jamie or Shannon, V and Char have keys they can come let us in…”   
“I don’t have my phone, why don’t you have your phone?”   
“I didn’t want to drop it I hate smashing those things” We were both on our third iPhone each of the year, why did they have to be so beautiful and yet so easily droppable? (or in my case flush down the toilet-able) “Right look lets…” come on brain engage here please “…get a cab to Shan-non’s at least we know they’ll be in”   
“Oh ok have you got cash?”   
“No I thought you had cash”   
“NO… have you not got a credit card?”   
“No why would I?”   
“Well Little Pea because apparently neither of us had the sense to remember a key to get back in or a phone between us to ask for help…” Shit, we’re stood at a cross walk in an ok neighbourhood at least we’re not in downtown South Central and there was no point in running back and getting the super to let us in as our building didn’t have one, and being night time the maintenance guy would have gone home. DAMMIT Jared, and you always tell me off for going places without my phone what about your fucking phone because now we’re three days away from getting married and are stuck locked out in the middle of fucking LA at gone 10pm on the 23rd December. FUCK.  
“Call Emma from a phone booth and reverse the charges”   
“I can’t I don’t know the number it’s in my phone, I don’t need to know the number…” Oh 21st Cen-tury thou art a heartless bitch.   
Right there’s only one thing to do here “I’m going to call my parents”   
“Why?”   
“Because it’s the only number I know and I kind of want to get out of here because I think I left the flat iron on”   
“You’ve not even used your flat iron today, or yesterday… did I leave the heater on though?” And after I’ve called my parents I’m making V come round with a BUCKET of Valium. DAMMIT Jared…   
*******************************************************************************************  
Christmas Eve morning still alone in the apartment (after getting back in and discovering nothing had been left on and Beast hadn’t even noticed we were gone)we had nowhere to go nothing to do until tomorrow and we’d come up with this crazy idea that we weren’t going to have sex until after the wedding. For a whole host of reasons, hickeys, marks and bruises mostly. Trying to get to our wedding night with some virtue left intact was another. Not getting Cystitis was another for me I couldn’t imagine walking up the aisle feeling like that. I don’t know what it is with me and Jar-ed and the sex. It’s not a bad thing and I probably sound like we do nothing else, or rather I do nothing else other than let him nail me into things, but it’s not like that. We are in love, and every-day our love changes no two days are ever the same meaning every time we screw around, fuck, make love, it’s always different, I don’t think we should be wheeled off to counselling for sex ad-diction we just have high sex drives, well he does and I didn’t think I did but I certainly do now, it’s all about the right person. Plus remember we spend a lot of time apart being away from the per-son you love will make you need to feel that connection more when you’re physically back togeth-er.   
Frustration kills me though, it’s like (and with my pills I try and avoid them anyway) having my peri-od and Jared being home because it kind of icks me out the whole sex and periods thing. He says he doesn’t mind, but I do… maybe it’s something I’ll get over, maybe not. But Jared sat with a hard on when I want nothing more than to just ride him in the middle of the apartment on whatever surface we get to first drives me CRAZY. BUT I get to give him head which I don’t know if that makes it better or worse for me. I love swallowing his cum. SO much, spitting is bad, it’s like when you eat something nasty spitting out makes it worse because it takes longer, so just fucking swal-low it and it’s done. Maybe I was born with weird taste buds that make me just crave it. Maybe it’s the sounds he makes and the way his body moves as I make him blow his load that make up for the whole jizz in mouth thing. And then he gets to sit there looking all sex dazed and I’m STILL ut-terly frustrated…   
We’re sat on the couch wrapping the bridesmaids and groomsmen gifts, I’d told him he had to wrap them himself not have someone do it for him because that was lazy. I’d gotten my brides-maids silver heart key rings all engraved with the words ‘bridesmaid’ on them, it just seemed sim-ple enough to make an impact. The groomsmen all had silver cufflinks that didn’t say ‘groomsman’ but all had Jared’s symbol engraved on them so they could be worn whenever. Now this is where I SWEAR he started it first. Sitting side by side, not too close but close enough, he’s just got on a pair of sweatpants and a soft old white tee, bare feet and he keeps doing all those things before there was a me and Jared Leto, that Jared Leto would do and it would get my mind spinning and my hands wandering to my panties without even thinking. He’s running his tongue around his lips, and when he’s not doing that he’s sipping tea just bowing his lips like he’s sucking a clit, and he’s shuf-fling around rearranging his dick in his pants rubbing his hands up and down his thighs, yawning pushing his rib cage outwards like a lion. Just urgh Jared please stop, maybe I should go sit at the table and away from you because you are driving me insane with sexual frustration and it’s only been like two hours since we came up with our ludicrous plan.   
But then as soon as I get to the table with the excuse that my back hurts a bit I think about the time I laid out on it as he ate his toast watching me play with myself until I told him stop staring at it and start eating it instead just hooking my ankles around his neck and pulling him towards me. Dammit. Can we at least have oral sex Jared? Or how about you make me and you cum with your hands? Sex on the fucking brain…   
“Can you please stop giving that bottle head?”   
“Huh?”   
“You’ve been treating that water bottle as if it’s my dick for the past ten minutes now, stop it, it’s driving me crazy” I pulled the water bottle away from my mouth I’d finished wrapping and was sat reading some information that had been sent to me about me presenting a show on art. Can you imagine ME in front of a camera? I don’t think that’s going to end well. I hadn’t been trying to be overly sexual with the bottle, I don’t think but I wasn’t really concentrating on what I was sup-posed to be doing that’s for sure  
“Sorry” Dammit Jared… my clothes just come over here rip my clothes off just rip them off and bend me over the table spanking me and pulling my hair, fucking me from behind. URGH this day is never going to end at least tomorrow there won’t be TIME to think about sex, or not sex, or what-ever this is today. Maybe I could go for a cold shower, or a run, or just lock myself in the bedroom and get Satan out… because that would help, having Jared the other side of the door with his love-ly actual dick not just the pretend dick in my hand…   
“What else needs doing?”   
“You could start writing the thank you cards then when we’ve opened all the gifts we’ll just match gifts to cards and fill them in”   
“And what will we be doing that will take up time from writing them out AFTER the wedding…” he pulls the list out of the notebook along with the box of thank you cards “... is it you sitting on my face?”   
“Excuse me?”   
“Nothing…” God fucking dammit, GOD FUCKING DAMMIT did he just say something about me sit-ting on his face because I love that, it took me while to get into, I don’t know if any woman ever feels totally comfortable with the idea of it, but the practise of it? When I can lean forward and blow him at the same time? HNG just HNG. Great I’m actually starting to get a bit uncomfortable now. Maybe a shower would be the best option then I’ll get him to strap me into the restraints attached to the bed and just leave me there, it’s for the best, before I try and touch him up and make him pissed at me with the jaw clenching, oh god the jaw clenching   
“AMELIA!” I look up to him and wonder why he’s shouting my name like that and then I realize I’ve got the dam bottle at my lips again   
“Sorry I think I need a cold shower”   
“Or a good… fucking…” he turns back to the thank you cards but doesn’t stop talking “I could just come over there Amelia and see to that obvious dampness you’ve got going on between your thighs, put my lips to your quivering clit, bring you to orgasm… bend you over the table…” oh for the love of god, I am literally sliding down the chair here Jared just rip my clothes off, or not just pull my panties to the side so long as your dick is in me I don’t fucking care “…but NO sex until after the wedding” That’s it I am going to hurl myself into his lap and not move until he makes me cum. I move from the table back over to the couch pull the thank you card out of his hand and throw it over my shoulder “HEY…”   
“We never said anything about there being no kissing until the wedding did we?” I straddle his lap and feel his half hard dick as soon as I lower my hips. I knew it, I fucking knew it, you are as turned on as I am right now, aren’t you?  
“Maybe we should have…” my lips are inches away from his, I see his Adam’s apple bob as he swal-lows, I am going to drown in his eyes with my arms hooked around his neck two days before we get married and right now I can’t think of a better way to go   
“Should I not then?”   
“Not what?”   
“Kiss you”   
“Don’t let me stop you…” I put my lips gently just gently to his they’re so soft, his beard scratching against my chin. Just as I start thinking maybe we should wait, maybe it was a sensible idea, be-cause the make-up girl might have a few issues if my face is covered with beard rash he lifts his arm and pushes his fingers into my hair cupping the back of my head holding me in place and kisses me forcefully, all teeth biting my lips and tongue fucking twirling around my own, grinding his hips up against my crotch like some kind of reverse lap dance. I want to be wearing less clothes NOW and he reads my mind quickly popping open my shirt (god bless poppers and not buttons today) I’m pulling my shirt off over my arms and trying to yank his over his head while his hands just roughly grope me through my bra. Fucking squeeze them Jared, just fucking pull them around, sink your fingertips into them. Oh god yes just like that. My bra is off before I demand that he takes it off because I need to feel his hands without the fabric in the way. How am I going to get my bottoms off because I am staying like this, I want to ride him, just fucking sink down on to him and let him bounce me up and down on that erection I can feel pushing into me with far too much fabric be-tween us at the moment for my liking. Oh I know… I stand up which takes him kind of by surprise but he sees where I’m going as I manage to without stumbling or kicking him get my bottoms off leaving me totally naked just stood above him my feet either side of his thighs as he removes his own bottoms without knocking me over. He sits back against the cushion with his dick in his hand looking up at me, his eyes telling me to come back down and sit on it. You don’t have to tell me twice Jared. I sink down to my knees wedging them nearly behind him and he lines himself up with my entrance only pushing the head in which has me moaning and him sighing. The combined noise we make as I sink all the way down into his lap, all the way down his dick reverberates around the room loudly. I start to bounce, just bounce on him, I just want to make him feel good, make those grunts come out of him bring his animal side out.   
“Oh fuck me…” I’ve got my head thrown back, my hands on his shoulders for balance as he puts his hands on my waist putting more force in my movements pushing his hips up as I bring mine down “Oh fuck…” I’m watching him and he’s watching his dick between my legs. The look across his face is just pure lust, there’s no love here this is about two people who just wanted to get each other off.   
I start to grind as opposed to bounce my hips in smaller movements letting the friction apply to my clit and then he starts grunting his hands sinking into my flesh and I am so far from caring about marks showing it’s not even true when he’s just dragging me up and down his cock so hard and so deep I can feel his balls hitting the back of my leg “You… just…. fucking Christ Amelia…” He throws his own head back his hair hanging over the back of the couch. I’m surprised we don’t get com-plaints about noise because we’re both being louder than all the nominees for the porn Oscars put together right now.   
“You feel so good fucking me… I love your dick” well that was… poetic, but the way he’s making me feel right now, every day is different and today we are in full on porn mode. There’s a slight chuckle from him, I’m sorry Jared I’m not good with the dirty words like you I try my best though… “I need to cum” I really do I feel like I’m on the verge of bursting, he doesn’t respond to me with words just drags my hips back and forth harder and faster he friction building and building, it’s coming, or rather cumming… holy fuck Jared “Holy FUCK Jared” he changes his movements slightly and starts bouncing me again I feel like I’m still cumming just all raging hot and flushing all over my body “I want you to cum Jared… I want to feel you fill me…” he’s looking me dead in the eye and I struggle to keep going with my words “Dick twitching, MOANING my name…” I feel his knees shift slightly like he’s pushing up on his tip toes I’m getting to him… that’s it Jared, I need it… please   
“Amelia oh holy hell… AMELIA” He bounces me through his orgasm slowing to a stop both of us breathless, sweaty, covered in fingertip marks, looking utterly sexed out or up or down or whatev-er it is we are it right now “I think we should just agree to never put a sex ban ourselves again”   
“I would have been just fine if you hadn’t done all your… Jared things…”   
“Says the woman who gave head to a water bottle to get my attention and besides I had to do something to get your brain whirring”  
As bad as each other I believe is the saying… as bad as each other

Christmas morning and I have the most beautiful Marc by Marc Jacobs dress from Jared, its cream satin with black sequin stars, I’m going to wear it to lunch today and then only ever take it off to put my wedding dress on or to have sex with the man who bought it for me. It’s stunning and I may just love it as much as I love him (which is a lot today). Thanks Jared, you even got the size right as well… I got him a graphics tablet so he can draw on it and then digitally save all his doodles on his MacBook no longer will there be pieces of paper with Bart art everywhere (well it might only last about a month, I’ll take what I can get). We leave Beast with an electronic feeder meaning it will dispense food at specific times so he’ll be fine no one will need to come feed him which is good seeing as everyone who would do it is going to be at the Plaza. I hope he’ll be ok I’m sure he will… Jared decided that he would carry me OUT of the apartment as some kind of we are leaving our home for the last time as an engaged couple gesture. Or it might have just been that he wanted me to hurry up and get my ass out of the door so we can get to the Plaza for lunch.   
We’re last to arrive, of course we are, we can never get anywhere on time but I got a bit emotional in the car, because you know the next time I get in it I’ll be a married woman. AND THEN the nerves started, for me anyway. Just… I don’t even know why. What am I so nervous about? Being stared at? The walking up the aisle? The reception? Or being actually married? I have no idea I’m not reaching for the Valleys just yet though. Lunch is amazing I couldn’t have asked for more than being surrounded by everyone I love eating beautiful food and again in a private dining room so it doesn’t matter that Jack is running around the table with a toy airplane in his hand making whoosh-ing noises or that Harry yells until someone gives her a cuddle not a bottle, not a diaper change nope a cuddle she loves them the closer she can get to someone the better. She’s so cute. But not cute enough to hold while I’m in my new dress because I don’t want her projectile vomiting down it thanks. Note to self stay away from her in wedding dress…   
Its early evening when we’re separated out literally girls in one suite, guys in the other. Well me V and Char in one, Shannon Jared and Jamie in the other (everyone else has their own rooms). Harry is coming with us, but I’m sure she’ll end up in male company at some point, so long as I don’t see Jared now until I see him at the ‘altar’ because I don’t want the bad luck that’s all I’m bothered about. Saying goodbye to him was hard though, poor Char thought she was going to have to take a paddle (not even the good kind) and prise us apart.   
“Well this is it Little Pea”   
“This is it Lion Man”   
“I’ll see you tomorrow” He does that thing where he puts his finger under my chin to lift my face towards him as he bends down which always makes me smile because I feel so small next to him, he’s so big, in more ways than one and I don’t mean his dick I mean he’s big like my world big, he’s my Bae (yeah I know soppy but we’re less than 24 hours away from being man and wife if I can’t be soppy now when can I?). We kiss and I try to not wrap my legs around him and grind him in the foyer of the Plaza but it’s really hard when I feel his soft warm hand stroking my back   
“Right come on you two apart please…” I’m pulled away by Char, who’s got Harry in the other arm, I pretty sure this looks actually hilarious like she’s my Mom or something and I’m the errant teen-age daughter (my actual Mom was still in the bar with my Dad and Constance)   
“I’ll be the one in the white dress Jared” I always wanted to say that. May as well take advantage of the situation as he walks off and I’m half dragged away arms flailing   
By ten o clock I’m ready to crawl out of my own skin, not from nerves but from BOREDOM, this is SO boring. I’ve been down to the room where we’ll get married and the reception room and there is nothing that needs to be done everything has been taken care of. Shannon sat with us for a while, more to snuggle with Harry than anything else and says Jared is bored too. I should have brought a stack of DVDs or I don’t know a board game… just something to do that’s not just con-stantly going over everything in my head again and again and again trying to stare at whatever Christmas movie is playing out (and I’ve had my phone taken off me so I can’t talk to Jared but there’s no Fall Out Bird or Bejewelled to amuse me either). No grand conversations happen be-tween the three of us, no tears or emotions running over, just light chit chat, fussing of Harry and trying to relax. None of us sleep for any great length of time nerves and a yelling baby do not mix well. But I am grateful I’m not spending the night just alone in a room because I would have actual-ly gone crazy so you know thanks guys. At 4am though I just give up staring at the ceiling and go up to the roof terrace see if the night air will soothe me into falling asleep for more than an hour at a time so I don’t have to walk up the aisle with huge eye bags looking all haggard towards the world’s sexiest man.   
“Couldn’t sleep either huh?”   
“Jared…” I turn to see him coming towards me, wrapped up in his pyjamas, wool pea coat and sneakers “We’re not supposed to see each other…”   
“Technically I’m not supposed to see your dress, so unless you’re wearing your pjs up the aisle I think we’ll be ok” He comes over to where I’m stood and wraps his arms around me along with the coat he’s got on which I’m grateful for it may be Cali but it’s still the middle of the night in Decem-ber and its COLD out here so being folded into warm wool that’s just all Jared is much appreciated “How are the nerves?”   
“Not too bad” They really weren’t but they had been coming on loop, I felt like I was in the eye of the storm, the calm in the middle, I’m sure at some point I’ll freak out tomorrow well today. Oh god we’re getting married in less than twelve hours. How did we get here? I know I ask that so much, but seriously how did we get here? How did this happen, me marrying the literal man of my dreams who’s everything I could have ever wanted and more even when he is annoying or just invades all my space   
“Mine are awful, god I don’t even know why, I go on stage in front of tens of thousands of people, I walk up red carpets that’s broadcast to the entire world but this is terrifying”   
“You want a Valley?”   
“Nah thanks though… I love you” his arms constrict tighter around me   
“I love you too”   
“I realised I didn’t say it earlier, sometimes I think I don’t say it enough…”   
“Alright break it up you two…” Constance? How did she find us? “I couldn’t sleep I guess you two couldn’t either huh?”   
“I should go to bed” I make a move to detach myself from Jared and his warm snuggly coat that I’m wrapped into. I would have put my arms down the sleeves as well if I could. I love getting in his clothes with him. Mostly I do it just to be annoying but sometimes it’s because I just need to be close to him, as close as possible, he’s like a security blanket to me now my beautiful protector. I am still an independent woman though, but yes I need him, I really do, life is better with Jared in it   
“Don’t go on my account Amelia, I was only teasing”   
“I know but I’m really tired” I really am, Jared’s warmth is like a sleeping pill sometimes I swear, when we’re in bed and he throws himself over me, the weight of him holding me down, the warmth of his body slung over mine sends me to sleep in seconds no matter what’s on my mind. I put a quick ‘in the presence of his Mom’ kiss to his lips “I’ll see you soon…”   
“I’ll be waiting for you Little Pea”   
I make my way back across the terrace and inside turning back he’s now got his Mom wrapped up in his coat like the perfect gentleman he is “Jared…” he looks up back at me “Happy Birthday” 

I wake up again at gone 10am. Shit four hours to go. I can do this, I can do it yes I can. No I can’t. Valium then shower. I wonder if Jared is ok? Probably… He’s Jared Leto he doesn’t get nervous or flustered or feel like he’s going to throw up every time he sits still. I’m ok if things are happening things that need my attention but the thumb twiddling parts are not good. I try and distract myself with Harry cuddles Jack’s too big now for Aunty Amelia cuddles and just wants to run around. Katie threatens to put him on a leash if he doesn’t sit still and I nearly spit my Bucks Fizz out (which really is mostly orange juice and no champagne I don’t want to be asleep mixing booze and sedatives). I wonder if Jared’s packed anything… interesting… in his case for tonight… can we skip all the wed-ding stuff and just go straight to the making out (and possible spanking and definite hair pulling)   
There’s a nonstop trail of people coming in and out of the suite make-up artists, hairdressers, peo-ple with food and drinks. Children parents Shannon Art, Jamie, Emma, Shayla, the photographer (not Terry, but another graduate that I found). I kind of miss Jared, I hope he’s ok, that’s the thought that just keep whirring round my head what if he wants out? What if he has changed his mind? What if he really loves someone else and he’s going to tell me when I get to the top of the aisle? What if? What if? WHAT IF?  
I need to get a grip. Having my hair and make-up done vaguely takes my brain off things as I watch completely fascinated me becoming someone else. Now THIS is art, my face… I don’t even look like me, and my hair with all the waves and my headband securely fastened in (I jumped up and down on the bed to check it didn’t fall off) who is this person looking back at me in the mirror? I take Shannon by surprise when I answer the door to him and he hands me Harry while half cover-ing his eyes telling me he’s not looking then goes off muttering about it not being a crown. I never said it was a crown, well I did but that was just for me, sneaky people (aka people called Leto) should have not been peeking around my stuff and it doesn’t matter if YOU see me Shannon. Al-right Harry? She just burbles at me, awww mini girl Shannon or rather Channon I luff you and your little feetsies and… You smell SO bad right now, I’m so glad you will be with your Grandma when it’s time to put dresses on or we’ll all end up covered in baby poop and you’ll probably laugh about it.   
V tries to force some form of lunch down my throat but I just don’t want to eat, I’m too nervous. One hour to go. This is really happening isn’t it? Jared’s not run off someone would have told me, wouldn’t they? I hope they would. I get Char to check and I’m told he’s downstairs already, he’s fine and one hundred per cent not going anywhere without me. Harry and Jack are deposited with Grandmas and one by one everyone that’s walking with me makes their way to my suite suited and booted, bridesmaids dresses on. OK Amelia let’s do this. I slip in to my underwear noticing my hands are shaking slightly as I do up the bra. Katrine comes into the bathroom after me and fits me into my dress, relieved that it doesn’t need any last minute alterations because I didn’t suddenly lose or gain five pounds then she slips out to go and take her place downstairs, I’d asked her if she’d like to be a guest, it seemed rude not to. I look at myself in the full length mirror in the bath-room. I look like a… I don’t even know I just hope Jared likes it. All my jewellery is on the earrings Jared gave me for my birthday are perfect. I’ve not done the whole something old, something bor-rowed and something blue thing there just didn’t seem any point… That’s traditional this isn’t really a traditional wedding now is it?   
“Ems? You coming out of there anytime soon?” V’s voice distracts me from the other side of the door  
“Yeah I’ll erm… just put my shoes on…” Do I need to pee? I don’t think so… Do I need to puke? Nope my stomach is fairly solid right now, I think… I sit down on the edge of the bath and nearly slip backwards while I fasten my shoes on. Right Amelia this is it, you’re technically hiding in the bathroom right now let’s do this huh? It’ll be ok… I take a deep breath in and open the door   
“WHOA Hello…” Why does everyone look so misty eyed, I’m only wearing a white dress, no one cried when I wore a white sheet and dressed as ghost that Halloween… God the guys in their suits it’s so… it’s perfect, I wonder what Jared looks like in his, handsome I bet, like a lion in a tux “Are you ready Ems? You’re running late…”   
“LATE?” My dad steps forwards before anyone else   
“Only a couple of minutes sweetheart it’s fine, you’re the bride you’re kind of supposed to be late… ready?”   
“As I’ll ever be…” Alright game face let’s do this. I feel like a fish out of water walking down to the room where the ceremony will be taking place everyone else is ahead of me coupled up looking all in love. If this was a few years ago I would be just the gooseberry but not today. Nope I am getting married. I really am getting married.   
It’s all quiet outside the room everyone already inside. Where he’s waiting for me. Where Jared Leto is waiting for me to marry him. Oh god, can I stop for a minute? Can I put my head between my knees? Does someone have a paper bag I can breathe into? Shannon and Jamie herd everyone into some kind of circle outside the double doors, erm this isn’t a show time pep talk guys I appre-ciate the effort but you know… I don’t think I can do this oh god my knees are going to give out from underneath me I should have had another Valium when I had the chance   
“Amelia Galadriel Henry” starts Char to sniggers from pretty much everyone including my Dad and he gave me the dam name “It was decided that I was going to do the pep talk seeing as I owe you and V thought she might cry…” I look to V who really does look a bit misty eyed stood next to Jamie oh god don’t cry, is my make-up waterproof? I think it is… I hope it is… It better be “Right now you listen to me I’m tired I’m really hungry and I’d love a drink SO we’re going to do this, you’re going to go in there and get married to Jared because you’re his gravity” Shannon pulls a slight face at that “Ok?”   
“Ok” I take another deep breath in and try and right my centre like a yoga move, head up long low-er back and breathe   
“RIGHT!” Char starts putting people in the order they need to be in and we all stand in the corridor I feel like we’re waiting for God or something. I’m glad Char insisted on flats or she’d be towering over Shannon right now, and that V and Katie did wear heels so they all look the same height… kind of… shame the same can’t be said about the men. Jamie not the tallest of men neither is Shannon and they look a bit dwarfy next to my Dad and Art who for some reason are actual giants, why couldn’t I have been tall? Stupid midget body… Head back in the game Amelia, oh god, oh god, shit, twatting, cunting fucking bollocks I’m so scared I can’t feel my legs. What if we get divorced in a month? What if he cheats on me? What if he falls out of love with me?   
“Am I doing the right thing Dad?” I look up to my Dad my arm looped through his my bouquet rest-ed in the crook of my other, it’s really kind of heavy I hadn’t factored that in. Will next time… no I don’t want there to BE a next time. I am glad though that we didn’t have the whole daughter Dad thing in a car alone on the way over here from wherever because we really would have both been in tears, this is better. He doesn’t need to say certain things to me on certain days, he’s my Daddy, I already know…   
“Of course sweetheart, he’s your Prince, you ready? Here we go…” I look up just in time to see the double doors open and hear the wedding march start…


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

Oh god I’m going to be sick. I’m actually going to be sick. I’ve hardly slept. Amelia will have a sleepy groom tonight and that will be no good for anyone because I bet she’s wearing something utterly splendid under her dress that I will just want to rip off her before I throw her on to the bed. If I’m still awake. I’ve been in my suit for HOURS, I just wanted to get ready, but then I didn’t know what to do. So I took it off again and tried to take a nap with Harry but she wiggled and tried to pull my hair and pinch my nose so that was no good, then I sat in a robe while Shannon tried to force feed me lunch before taking Harry back to Char and then coming back grinning like the Cheshire Cat and all he said was ‘it’s not a crown’ before chastising me for not eating my sandwich. I’m not hungry Shannon I think I’m going to puke.   
RIGHT Jared come one you can do this, you love her, you know you do she really is your gravity. I put my suit back on and came and lurked around with my Mom greeting people as they arrive, try-ing to make small talk when I feel like I’m going to hurl is not good though. I’m shaking, I’m actually shaking. Why is this so terrifying? I think it’s because part of me is convinced she’s going to call it all off that she doesn’t love me really, or that she’s met someone else, what if though… really what if? At least I’ve got Tomo next to me now, I’m grateful to anyone stood next to me right now see-ing as Amelia has stolen the majority of my groomsmen for the sake of symmetry as she walks up the aisle.  
It’s my mum that starts pushing people in through the door and tells me to go and stand at the top of the aisle near the registrar and she’s doing it all with Harry snoring against her, let’s just hope she stays in that sleeping state until after the ‘I do’s’ and doesn’t start yelling the place down Harry if you do stay still and quiet I’ll buy you a Range Rover for your sweet sixteenth I promise.   
“We’ve been stood here for ages… she’s not coming is she?”   
“Brides are supposed to be late Jared calm down come on deep breaths” Tomo starts motioning for me to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth, I never get these nerves before shows… I just… I don’t even know. Oh god she’s not coming is she? I should have taken the Valium when I had the chance then I would just be swaying up here with a daft grin on my face. The regis-trar looks up and I brace myself for someone running in saying she’s changed her mind but instead he just nods at me and then looks back to the doors which are opened by two ushers. The wed-ding march starts ringing out despite my pleading for Closer by the Nine Inch Nails. Here we go it’s happening…  
I can’t see her… I see Jamie and V leading the way both grinning although V looks a little bit teary, oh god is everything ok? Char is smiling though so things can’t be that bad… unless she’s just been at the alcohol already relieved not to have a crying infant strapped to her for once.   
I try peering through the centre of them, past Shannon and Char, past Art and Katie and all I see is a blur of something really shiny, like diamonds all light reflecting bouncing round the room. I don’t know what I can’t see. Dammit Amelia why did you have to be so short? Then I see her, I really see her. Oh Little Pea, I get it now, now I get it. It’s not a crown at all is it? I know what that is… why didn’t I think of that, it’s the headband from the Great Gatsby movie, we’re in an art deco building and here comes my fiancé looking like she stepped straight out of the roaring twenties. Perfect Amelia, you look perfect. Her dress … it’s ivory silk flowing like it’s part of the air that surrounds her, clean simple lines with a plunging neck line, now I understand why I couldn’t get hickeys on her chest they’d show in that dress. I am officially the luckiest man in the world. What did I do to de-serve this? A stunning little twenties vision of absolute loveliness. I can’t keep the smile off my face. Am I welling up? I think I might be… shit pull it together or she’ll cry and that will be no good for anyone.   
She finally gets up to me, and I am speechless, for the first time in my life as her Dad hands her over to me I am speechless. AND then I notice she’s carrying not a bouquet of flowers but of paint-brushes, bound together with ribbon that matches her dress. I don’t know how I didn’t think of any of this, because she’s the genius I remind myself I’m just the doofus that’s lucky enough to marry her. Are you sure you want me Little Pea? Not some other guy who could spend more time with you? That wouldn’t take over all your space with his junk? I don’t deserve you   
“Jared…”   
“Amelia…”   
“Are you two ready?” We both nod and I turn momentarily to make sure Shannon is stood close to me with the rings in his pocket, or at least I hope they are “Good then we’ll begin… Ladies and Gentlemen we are gathered here today…”   
I have no idea what he’s saying, it’s just the traditional vows, no writing our own, and looking at her I couldn’t have come up with words that are eloquent enough to go with how she looks right now. I’ll just try and make sure I say the important parts when it comes to it. Amelia, Amelia, Amelia, are you sure you want me? Her face is like… it’s glowing all dewy almost airbrushed on, it’s kind of weird because her freckles are a bit hidden by it but it’s stunning and her hair all in striking red waves with that thing on her head, what would you call it? A headband? A hair clip? I have no idea but I guarantee she paid for it herself, I would have bought it for you Little Pea… but then I guess I would have known so that would have been no good. She is… Amelia you are the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten and the best one I ever will.  
Shannon hands me the rings and I hardly hear my voice when I make my vows though I do feel how soft her hands are as she takes mine to put my ring on the slight shock of electricity there as our skin connects. This is it Jared it’s going on, I should be freaking out, me three years ago would have been laughing my ass off watching other people get married and at the idea of me ever get-ting married. I used to think why do people want to get married? Why would you want to spend your life with just one person? Then I found her. The one and everything changed. I never thought she’d look like Amelia, but now I can’t think of anyone I ever thought was as beautiful as I think she is. I made the right decisions and choices for the first time ever in my romantic life I did the right thing. I got to know her, I dated her… I loved her from the get go though, I’ve tried so many times to pin point the exact moment I realised I was in love with her. It might have been when we first had sex and I wanted her to have a good time to make sure she was ok, not just there to get me off, which was a far cry from my sexual shenanigans before…. I got it right this time, I followed my heart and I got it right, moving in together was the right thing to do, getting married was the right thing to do.   
Her hand is so tiny when I hold it to put her own ring on and she’s looking at me straight in the eye, pale blue, she’s happy today, really happy if they were grey I would be worried because that’s the colour they go when she’s sad, but today they’re sparkling up at me. She’s saying these words to me these really important earth shattering life changing words and all I can hear is my heart beat slowing down in relief as we’re now both ringed, that’s it Little Pea, you’re all mine now, all mine, no turning back, and the only way I want to run out of here is if your hand is in mine the only way I want to run anywhere ever is if your hand is in mine. It’s so quiet in here you could hear a pin drop (and I guess I owe my niece a hunk of expensive car in 16 years’ time) I see out of the corner of my eye teary bridesmaids, a teary Dad and I’m glad I can’t see my Mom because I guarantee she’s cry-ing on to Harry’s little pink dress she’s been wrangled into for the occasion.   
“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife… Jared you can kiss your bride now” I daren’t touch her I’m frightened I’ll smudge her, or wrinkle her or break her how long have I been thinking about this? Oh fuck it… It happens really quickly but I manage to get my hands around her one to the back of her head and one to the curve of her back and as I kiss her I dip her down, may as well do these things properly seeing as I’m only going to do it the once. I hear ap-plause meeting my ears and I put her right again, I don’t think I smudged her lipstick she does look a bit dazed right now, probably the Valium.   
“Alright Little Pea?”   
“Yeah you?”   
“Perfect”   
I almost feel like we should bow. God she’s my wife. I have a wife. I Jared Leto have a wife. Amelia Galadriel Leto, she’s a Leto. I have a wife, what am I supposed to do with her now? I know what I’d like to do but it’s not really appropriate for the situation we’re in. We sign the register and have our photos taken, it’s so weird seeing her sign A. Leto. She’s A. Leto in more ways than one now. Right Little Pea let’s do this reception thing and I swear I will try not to fall asleep in my dinner. AND NOW I’m hungry, so hungry “I’m so hungry”   
“Oh god me too I thought I was going to throw up earlier I didn’t eat any lunch no matter how much V and Char tried to persuade me to” Jared what are you doing? Don’t be talking to her about food, you should be telling her how amazing she is, how beautiful she looks right now or just thanking her for actually turning up and marrying your sorry ass I think you can do better than think about your stomach. I don’t know how to get the words out to tell her any of that though “Are you ok? Not regretting it already are you?”   
“What? Don’t be silly, sorry there are so many things I want to say to you right now and all I came out with was that I’m hungry, sorry…” She hooks her arm through mine and we walk back down the aisle before everyone files out behind us. Emma still in assistant mode although she doesn’t need to be herds the main party out on to the roof terrace for photos. Amelia rests her head against my chest on the ride up yawning widely that makes two of us Little Pea maybe we should have a nap, a post wedding pre disco nap? I want to rub my hands all over her, but I manage to keep them lightly rested on her back, I daren’t put my head on top of hers, I think I’ll get jabbed in the eyeball by diamond feathers. Amelia are they diamonds? Because if it is what the fuck are we going to do with it after today? Lock it in a safe? Or are you just going to sit around the apartment in your pyjamas with it on your head? Your Majesty…   
We go through the ballroom we’ll be using for the reception it’s so beautiful in there everything matches… well… everything matches us I suppose all black and ivory, she’s done this all herself, just went to town when I was away and just made all these huge decisions no wonder she was so stressed about it all. Bravo Little Pea, bravo, trusting you was always the right thing to do. Right head in the ‘we’re going to have photographs that’ll last forever taken game’ right now. The pho-tographer she found, he’s such a strong character for someone who has only just graduated he’ll go far I’m sure. And he does a great job of making us pose to look like we’re all actually together not just a rag tag band of misfits on a roof top who happen to be wearing matching outfits.   
“Ok?” I’m stood watching Amelia and her bridesmaids have their photos taken while they all try to stop their dresses blowing up in the wind as Shannon comes and stands beside me, Harry in his arms, she’s so cute, officially the cutest small person ever, especially her little feetsies. Feetsies? I don’t know what it is about her that’s made me go all squishy inside, but look at her in her lil head-band. We should have got you one to match your Aunty Amelia’s  
“Yeah Shan sorry…”   
“You look like you just got hit by a truck”   
“I think I did” a really small, encased in ivory satin, diamond and pearl wearing juggernaut  
Shannon laughs and bounces Harry slightly in his arms looking over to Char “I think we both did”


	17. Chapter 17

I did it. I married Jared Leto I boldly went where no one had gone before. Was that Star Trek? When did they change it to No One instead of No Man? I have no idea what the fuck has just hap-pened. My Mom just told me I look like a rabbit caught in the headlights in the majority of my wedding photos. Well mother wouldn’t you? How am I supposed to look? Look at him… LOOK AT HIM. In his freaking tux not even slightly looking like a penguin, all hair and beard and now with a ring on his finger that I put there. THAT I PUT THERE. I am tied to Jared Leto for life. Me AMELIA HENRY… SHIT that’s not my name anymore is it? I’m Amelia Leto now… Hi my name is Amelia Leto and that’s my husband Jared. I AM FREAKING OUT but not in a oh fuck I’m married now I have to be a housewife and I don’t want to be no I am freaking out in a teenage fan girl kind of way. I could literally jump up and down on the spot like a teenager at a One Direction concert when she’s total-ly convinced that Harry stared straight at her. I try and mentally compose myself but as we enter the ballroom as man and wife to a standing ovation from all the guests I cannot keep the massive smile from my face. I don’t think my feet are on the floor. Do I have feet? What are feet? Maybe Jared doesn’t have feet maybe he has penguin flippers or paws, a lion dressed as penguin. By the time we reach the table and sit down I’m almost giggling to myself like a demented person.   
“Little Pea? Are you ok?” His face is peering round me as champagne is served throughout the room   
“We…” I point at him nearly jabbing him in his chest before turning my finger back to point at my-self “Are married?”   
“And FINALLY here comes the freak out well I’ve been waiting for this…” V claps her hands and rubs them together getting ready to pour medication and booze down my throat   
“I’m so happy” I nearly throw my hands in the air as the tears start to fall down my face. I really am crying because I’m happy. I don’t think I’ll ever feel this happy again in my entire life “I’m sorry…” Jared wraps an arm tightly around my shoulder and uses his other hand to wipe away my tears. I hope no one is looking or taking pictures, other than the people around our table but they’re my family so it’s ok if they see me cry, won’t be the last time…   
“Don’t get make up down your dress Little Pea”   
“You’re ok, how do you do this? Cool as a fucking cucumber…”   
“Right come on, let’s go get you a drink and…” he’s cut off by the master of ceremonies announc-ing its time for us to take our first dance. I wanted to do it before dinner, before speeches, so then I can take my shoes off and breathe out and it doesn’t matter if my make-up starts running down my face because all the important photos will be done. He stands up first and then offers his hand out to me, I give myself a good mental slap and put on my best game face allowing my hand to slip into his and he pulls me up out of my seat towards the floor. I’d changed the music so many times, so many times that I wasn’t sure if I’d told him what it was going to be so this could go horribly wrong.   
“Ladies and Gentlemen… Mr and Mrs Jared Leto…” We tried practicing this, he tried to teach me to waltz but I kept standing on his feet so we came up with we’ll just kind of twirl a bit and then other people will come on the floor and it’ll be alright. Everyone is stood around the edge of the dance floor with glasses of booze in their hands, or babes in arms in Shannon’s case and my brothers, my two brothers oh Christ… RIGHT Mrs Leto… hahahaha I’M MRS LETO… AMELIA HEAD IN THE GAME “Will now take their first dance as husband and wife to the beautiful sounds of Etta James’ At Last” Did I change it to Etta James? I don’t remember changing it to Etta James   
“This isn’t the song I picked…” I’m pulled without a lot of grace into my new husband’s chest, one of his arms tightly around my back hand resting above my butt the other fingers laced through mine held out to the side and he moves me. He just moves me like I’m not getting a choice in this, but my feet are keeping up with his, are we actually dancing? Properly? Like grown-ups not like we’re pretending to be RUN DMC?   
“I changed it to Etta James, it came on the radio a couple of days ago and I realised it was more per-fect than any of the others we came up with, don’t be pissed at me”   
“I’m not pissed I’m completely overwhelmed” I lean in careful not to jab him with my crown and rest my head against his chest as we continue to twirl, his heartbeat is really loud, not fast just loud, louder than normal   
“Don’t tell anyone Amelia… but… me too Little Pea…. I mean who are all these people? Do you have any idea how beautiful you look? How thankful I am that you actually turned up and married ME? That you agreed to marry me in the first place? How much I love you, you’re my wife now, my wife, I have a wife, and it’s you…” I look up and we stop dancing, he moves his hands to cup my face and kisses me like there’s no one else there like it’s just me and him. I think the song has ended and something else is playing, some other old soul song, are there other people on the dance floor now? How long have we been here?   
“Alright break it up… I want to dance with my new sister please…” Shannon is next to us and look-ing around there are other couples moving around the dance floor now. Jared literally wraps his arms around me with his lip jutting out like a pouting child who doesn’t want to let go of their new toy. He huffs slightly kisses my cheek and unhands me towards Shannon who starts waltzing me slightly keeping me at an appropriate distance “Ok Emmy?”   
“Yeah you?”   
“Yeah I think so… I think you freaked a few people out with your tears back there”   
“I’m just happy… so happy…”   
“I know that… and look at his face…” Shannon spins me slightly so I can see him dancing with V who’s got Harry in her arms too Char is dancing with Jamie which is hilarious because she’s so much taller than him. My beautiful lion he does look happy, dazed but happy “I thought he was going to puke earlier, Jesus the man won an Oscar this year but he was more terrified that you weren’t go-ing to turn up”   
“I don’t why he thought I wouldn’t… Why ME Hanny?”   
“You mean why did he fall in love with you?” I look up at him and nod I’ve never spoken to Shan-non about me and Jared not on any kind of serious level anyway   
“I don’t know… I mean I know I would have fallen in love with you because I think you’re great and you’re funny as hell, and so clever… but it was him you were supposed to be with, him that loved you in the way he does and that probably somewhere inside him he did from the first second he saw you and do you know HOW I know that?” I shook my head and swallowed trying to keep my emotions together “He came back to the lab and said…” Shannon does that thing where he makes himself sound scarily like Jared “’Some girl just walked into me…’ now I didn’t even look up from what I was doing because he’s Jared Leto girls walk into him all the time, or rather they did, and then he just kind of looked out of the kitchen window and said… ‘She’s called Emmy’ and then he just wandered off just disappeared off and I was totally confused by it, just why would he care what she’s called? Then literally the next day he kept showing me your art on the internet waffling that he was going to buy a piece and I kept thinking who the fuck is this girl, he never gets his hair in a knot about anyone like this and when I saw you in Starbucks that time can you remember? I looked up once, I looked and saw how he looked at you, before he’d even taken you out on a date, before he even really knew your name and I’m sure you thought I was being rude just staring at my phone but I was texting Emma and my Mom asking if they knew anything about you because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing… AND NOW married yeah… why you? Because he loves you, in a way he’s never loved anyone and probably from the second he saw you in Whole Foods in your dungarees”   
“What’s all this gossiping about? I think it’s my turn now…” My Dad pulls me from Shannon’s arms and continues to waltz me. I’m on the verge of tears before I know it because my Dad he doesn’t need to say it again, he said it once, that he thought I wouldn’t make my eighteenth birthday he thought I would die and since that every time I get to a milestone in life I see it in his eyes, the way he looked at me when he said it and I know… he doesn’t need to say it again… I know Dad, I know…   
The music stops, and I wonder what’s happening but it’s because food is ready to be served and all of a sudden my stomach growls loudly and I realise I’m so hungry and the food smells SO good. Being the bride and it’s my party… I mean our party I get to be fed first thank the lord and even after I’ve finished my first plate I get Jared to go back and get me more… I realise that I don’t think I’ve really eaten properly in weeks I’ve just been picking, eating enough to survive as the nerves over today built and now all the scary parts are done my body needs food, it needs more than food in it to just stop me feeling hungry stopping it rumbling I need to eat, and as I am trying to shove three mini pastries into my mouth at once I look up and see everyone looking at me. Looking relieved, looking like they thought… oh no… “Sorry…” I swallow the food swiftly it’s so fucking good “I have just been so nervous I’m ok… I was always ok… I swear”   
Jared sits back in his seat slightly and sighs, I don’t need to look at him I know he’s looking at V and my Dad more than anyone “I told you… I said she was just nervous… I know her, she’s my WIFE” It’s not a snap, and he half laughs as he says it, but it’s very much a statement about other people not needing to worry, not needing to voice concerns because if there were any he would be the first know, because that’s his job, to take care of me, in all aspects of my life. Not just to make me cum so hard I think the world has stopped turning, not to just remind me to wipe my glasses so I don’t trip over my feet, not just to buy me cute silly gifts and leave them in random places around the apartment… it’s his job to make sure that I literally stay alive “Do you want any more to eat?”   
“Is there cake?”   
“I should hope so you picked it”   
“No I mean not wedding cake just cake, I really want to eat something sweet” He raises his eye-brows at me, Jared I… urgh behave please   
“I’m sure there will be… I have to ask Little Pea are they diamonds on your head?”   
“Oh my god no I’m not made of money they’re Swarovski crystals” I said it right first time, Char and V had been in hysterics for months over me saying SWAR OFF SKI so many times that in the end I just said crystal crown “If it was diamonds what on earth would I do with it after?”   
“What are you going to do with it after today anyway?”   
“Same as I have been doing for the past six months”   
“Which is?”   
“Sit around the apartment in my pyjamas and crown pretending I’m the queen”   
“You don’t need to pretend you’re the Queen Little Pea, you really are… you always were…”   
There’s a slight break in proceedings and everyone takes a break, people go to the bathroom, I am relieved to NOT be encased in masses of lace and netting under my dress, learnt that lesson from V and the fact that it took two people to help her go for a pee in that meringue thing she decided to wear. I smoke half a cig on the balcony with Jamie and then we try and find V and the emergen-cy bag because it’s got mints and perfume in it, so Jared won’t know… well he will but it seems the polite thing to do I just needed to smoke, it happens once every year or so. More so this year, Os-car night me and Jamie chain smoked our way through two packs and I spent the next week saying congratulations to Jared in between bouts of coughing my lungs up . I spend a little bit of time cir-culating the room without Jared, just saying hello and thanks for coming etc. I think we should start off married life as we meant to go NOT joined at the hip permanently. I’m herded back to the table by Char who’s been walking around handing Harry back and forth between various people who wanted to coo over her, so she’s in no mood to be messed with even though I’m having an incredibly interesting conversation with my old college lecturer about the price of art I excuse my-self and follow her back to the table, confused as to why everyone has to sit back down and realise then that it’s speech time, well I’m glad I didn’t touch my makeup up because it’s going to be run-ning down my face in about ten seconds. Constance goes first and I hadn’t realised she was going to make a speech so I’m slightly taken aback and grab Jared’s hand squeezing it on top of the table as she starts to speak. It’s kept short but so so sweet, she thanks me for bringing love into Jared’s life says that she loves me and she’s excited to be part of our family. Then my Dad stands and I brace myself for all the emotions to come running but all I find myself doing is laughing, he’s so witty and dry, there’s no mention of him thinking we’d never get to this point, just jokes about someone finally wanting to put up with me for the rest of their lives and that he, my Mom and brother were looking forward to years of family dinners and Christmases and all other assorted craziness that was now going to happen with the Henry Letos. Shannon is like his Mom and keeps it short saying how much both their lives have changed over the past three years, and I look to see Char twirling the massive rock Shannon put on her finger on Christmas morning which distracts me from the remainder of his speech, I heard all he needed to say to me earlier when we were danc-ing   
Eventually it’s Jared’s turn, he puts a kiss to my cheek, stands up straightens his suit out slightly and takes the mic from where Shannon has left on the table “Hello Everyone… well firstly and I can’t believe no one else has said it but Happy Christmas… thank you all for coming to help cele-brate my marriage to Amelia. I can’t believe I have a wife…” he shakes his head slightly, just lovely soft hair moving around his face “This year well it’s been a bit odd to be honest… Lots of little stat-ues have come my way but NONE more important to me than the little statue of lovely next to me today. If someone had said to me three years ago that I would be a married man I would have laughed at them… I didn’t have the time nor the want or need for a girlfriend never mind a fiancé or a wife…” He uses his free hand to brush his fingers under my chin lightly “I always used to think love was for everyone else, that it wasn’t for me… until it walked right into me in the supermarket and I certainly didn’t think it would come encased in paint splattered clothing in the shape of an… and I don’t know if many people know this… actual genius… but very quickly I knew, I knew you were the one Amelia because you were as scared about it all as I was and so fiercely independent, maybe sometimes too much for your own good” I see my Dad laughing and nodding “but obviously being here today everyone can see we worked it out, that we work, despite the kinks along the way…” I nearly choke on my water did he just say kinks out loud? In a room full of friends and fami-ly? You little shit “Amelia, my Little Pea, I love you so much, thank you for everything, thank you for my life and thank you for all the love you give me, the support, the encouragement, and above everything else the understanding of who I am and what I do… I will never be able to put into words just how much you mean to me or how much I love you…” Here come the tears, look at him, my lion my husband my Jared, Harry starts yelling across the table, not full on screaming just happily burbling “My niece Harriett ladies and gentleman, thanks Harry I was getting to you… So again thank you everyone for coming, thank you Andrew for handing her over to me, I assure you she’s in the safest of hands now, thank you to V and Char for getting her up the aisle in a dress not a pair of pyjamas, thank you to Shannon and Jamie for accompanying the ladies along with Art and Katie, it’s always awesome to see you guys and Jack… BUT most importantly of all I’d like to thank Amelia, would every stand and raise their glasses to my lovely wife Amelia Leto”   
Everyone stands including me even though they’re applauding me and I’m supposed to be sat down looking sheepish, I whip the mic out of his hand before he gets chance to question what I’m doing and before I chicken out “Hello everyone, thanks again for coming and thanks to Jared for turning up himself today… I was wondering if before we all sit down and continue with the even-ing’s festivities if you would all help me in singing a certain song because today is my new hus-band’s birthday so… HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU…” The rest of the room join in with singing along with me and the cake I arranged is brought out sparklers a blaze on top of it and put on the front of the table in front of him “Make a wish”   
He pulls the mic towards his lips “I already got it so…” He closes his eyes and blows out the candles thankfully without setting fire to his beard or hair   
“YAY let’s have a round of HIP HIP HORRAY…” Once I’m satisfied that Jared doesn’t think that his birthday wasn’t an equally important part of today I sit back down and plates are distributed so we can cut his cake “Oooo CAKE” I’ve got a fork to my face before the slice properly settles on to my plate. As he sits back down Jared puts a kiss to my temple and his arm around my shoulder, leaving him trying to eat and trying to hold on to me at the same time. You can put me down Jared I’m not going anywhere, not now not ever apparently   
“Thanks for my cake Little Pea”   
“It’s your birthday”   
“And it’s your wedding day”   
“It’s our wedding day… now shut your face and eat your cake… I’ll give you your present later”   
He looks me up and down, I know dam well he’s trying to look down my dress “Yes Your Majesty” 

The rest of the evening passes in a blur, there’s more dancing and me, Char and V slightly fuelled by maybe a little bit too much champagne try and have a dance off with some teenage girls who I think were cousins of Jared’s whatever we totally lost, if they’d have played the Spice Girls we would have been fine. Taylor Swift and we were totally fucked. Ho Hum… But I do sing I knew you were trouble when you walked into me in the supermarket for about an hour after. I hardly see Jar-ed which sounds weird because it’s OUR wedding day… night… party thing but there’s so many people it just seemed easier for him to go one way and me go the other. I’m pulled to one side and told that our wedding is now a trending topic on twitter well Instagram hashtag JammyWedding. I didn’t see the point of telling people they couldn’t put photos on social media, and it wasn’t be-cause I wanted to stand smug at the top of a pile of pissed fangirls with my middle finger in the air it was because I wanted people to see we are happy, I wanted people to see what love looked like. Not just the love between me and him (wherever he is) but all the other love in the air. Shannon and Char, parents, V and Jamie, Tomo and Vicki, Emma and a tall dark haired guy I’ve never seen before which… what? Who’s he? Mental note to self to ask Jared. We cut our cake more for the sake of tradition that anything else and people start commenting that we should save the top layer for the christening of our first child. We look at each other and laugh before taking a very large slice from the top layer and sitting back at the table me on Jared’s knee stuffing our faces with chocolate cake.  
People start thinning out, my Mom and Dad first taking Jack with them so Art and Katie can relax and enjoy the party without a small child, then Constance with Harry so Char and Shannon can do likewise only as soon as the baby is out of sight so are they. WELL… least said about that the bet-ter… Jamie and V are in the middle of the dance floor where I think they’ve been for the past hour, Tomo and Vicki must have gone, come to think of it I can’t see Jared either or any of his guy friends (they lurk in packs worse than women…), maybe he’s in the bathroom. I set out to find him and tell him I’m going up to the suite and he can follow me up whenever.   
“BUSTED you dirty little fucking smoker” I find him on the balcony with Stevie each of them smok-ing   
“Little Pea I erm…” He does the very teenage thing of trying to hide his cig behind his back… oh for God’s sake Jared don’t burn a hole in your suit “Sorry”   
“S’OK” I cross over to him and pull it from his hand taking a drag of it myself and then hand it back to him “I’m going up to the suite…” I stand on tiptoes having kicked off my heels hours ago, I think they’re under the table, someone will put them somewhere safe I’m sure, my lips put to his ear trying to be quiet. Stevie just politely looks the other way “I’ll see you up there whenever you’re ready…” A quick kiss to his cheek and a hug to his friend and I’m on my way up there.   
We’re staying in the honeymoon suite of course, I thought we’d just be staying in the suite I stayed in last night with the girls but I think either Shannon and Char or Jamie and V are in there tonight. I just hope my luggage has been brought up here and I don’t have to go disturbing anyone’s night for the sake of my toothbrush. As I get to the door I still suddenly awash with the thought of oh shit should Jared be here right now?, is there something in here that… NO I specifically but my foot down over no flowers, no rose petals on the bed, no heart shaped balloons and so on. Opening the door I’m happy to see my case just inside the door and no unwanted surprises as I journey fur-ther into the room. I dig around in my case find what I’m looking for and slip my dress off, hanging it carefully on a hanger and then putting the hanger to the top of a mirror in the room so it wasn’t trailing along the floor. I feel weird standing in my underwear in the honeymoon suite without my husband, but then the items on the end of the bed remind me why I came up without Jared and I slip into the bathroom to sort myself out.   
“Little Pea?” I hear him come into the room while I’m still in there “You took your dress off? Don’t I get to do that?”   
“I erm… you’ll get to take something off… just hang on” Right Amelia you’ve practised putting this thing on, you can do it. Babydolls weren’t for me I’m not a flouncy underwear person and basques? Well I salute you ladies that can go all day with those things on before you get to this point without passing out. I on the other hand have been rigged into a pair of Spanx and a crazy weird bra thing that stopped my tits from falling out my dress but so you couldn’t see any straps all day, NOW it was time to put something more interesting on. I picked it from AP of course, it’s kind of like a teddy, or a playsuit I think that’s what the sales girl called it but it’s all pieces of ivory satin ribbon that wrap around my body, maybe a little bit like the fifth element chick but less industrial? I hope he likes it that’s all that matters really… AND FINALLY I get to wear the kimono thing that V says makes me look like I should be in the Great Gatsby well, if I can’t wear it tonight when can I?   
“Are you coming out?” Shit erm… it takes me a couple of attempts to get my legs through the right pieces of material and not fall over then do the kimono up without him being able to see what’s underneath it  
“Yeah hang on…” I pull open the door trying to put my most seductive face on and not laugh be-cause for some reason my emotions are all over the place and have finally landed on the giggles… He’s leant against the bathroom door frame as I open it. Just leant there all Jordan Catalano with his always closing his eyes like it hurts to look at things going on. He’s kicked his shoes and socks off his jacket is gone too ditto with the cummerbund the tie is undone slightly along with his top but-ton. Hello Mr Leto, look at you I hope you brought whatever in your bag of tricks because I am EX-CITED about the kinky naughties you are about to make me do   
“I was starting to think you’d abandoned me… Mrs Leto” I think that’s the first time he’s called me that it makes me feel all kind of mushy like I’m melting   
“And why would I do that?” He holds out his hand and leads me to the foot of the bed   
“Are you keeping your crown on?” SHIT I’d actually forgotten about it, I think because I’ve gotten so used to it being on my head that when I looked in the bathroom mirror I just saw me, not me with a crown on   
“Can you take it off for me?”   
“Do you trust me to?”   
“Yes” I spin around so my back is to him and point to the fastening at the back of my head, it’s just a ribbon done in a bow but it has been pinned into to stop it slipping. His fingers dance so gently up the back of my neck my hair stands on end and I shudder before he’s even reached the fastening. I bring my hands up ready to take it off as it’s loosened and put it down on the dresser, my head feels lighter like when you take your hair down after it’s been up all day in a band. He turns me back round to face him but he doesn’t pull doesn’t yank me around just gently spins me  
“Amelia…”   
“Jared…”   
“I don’t know what you are expecting from tonight, I didn’t know until today what I wanted to be honest, now it’s my birthday so I would like…” I expect him to move and pull something out of his holdall spanking paddles, cuffs, blindfolds, or just throw me on the bed but nothing he just stays there looking down on me his arms wrapped lightly around my back “To show you… or try to show you how much I love you… nothing between us tonight Amelia you’re not my whore, not my sub-missive, you’re my wife and I am the luckiest man in the world that you let me put that ring on your finger today… is that ok?”   
“Yes…” my voice is barely a whisper   
“I like this…” His hands have moved and as he says it he’s running his fingers down the opening to the kimono I’m wearing untying the knot at my waist “What’s underneath it though?” The kimono is pushed off my shoulders and slips down my body landing in a pool at my feet (which is kind of why I took off and hung up my wedding dress) I watch his face and for a moment I think I’ve put it on wrong or inside out because he’s looking at me kind of strangely, shit I got it wrong, should I have worn a basque? “Have you had that on all day?” I shake my head “I thought not” His arms move in a blur around me and I’m lifted from my feet pulled up to his chest and walked around to the side of the bed I would normally sleep on if we were at home. It’s the little things Jared, the little things… he puts me down with so much care, like I might break if he drops me. He leans over me and puts the tiniest of kisses to my lips before he circles the bed, stripping his tie shirt and suit pants off as he goes, meaning by the time he climbs on the bed next to me he’s down to just his briefs, which for some reason are purple, I’m not sure why, I won’t question, maybe he felt a bit dull in just black and white and needed to jazz it up after I wouldn’t let him wear ludicrous socks with his suit. Well I requested he didn’t and he listened, for a change… “Now… ok Little Pea?”   
“Yup” I’m laid on my back feeling mighty confused about what’s happening until he starts moving. He lifts himself on top of me so he’s above me on his hands and knees and starts to kiss me… eve-rywhere. I don’t think there’s part of my body his lips don’t touch. He pulls me around gently as he does it, there’s kisses to the backs of my knees, the weird really deep big stretchmark at the top of my butt which I hate more than any other part of my body, there’s even a kiss to the lump on the back of my ear. And while he’s kissing me his fingers are tracing the lines of what I’m wearing stroking the skin in between the ribbons, letting his fingers run underneath the straps. My own hands are touching him anywhere I can reach, eventually landing in his hair as I’m put on to my back and kisses are moving down my front, his mouth moving over my breasts through the fabric of the bra I’ve got on. I think I’d like to be naked now, this crazy, spider web come lingerie has had the desired effect as his briefs are seriously going to struggle in containing his dick for much longer. I start to take it off myself, it’s kind of like a swimming costume you step into it and pull it up, so I slip my arms out of it and he looks as if I’ve just given him the answer to the meaning of life be-cause I’m pretty sure he was looking for the clasps to undo it when it doesn’t actually have any. His hands cup my now naked breasts, just… I couldn’t give you the words for it, fondling is a good word but sounds so immature when it’s not it’s just heavenly. He once again moves down my body gathering the straps and easing them down as he goes. I lift my butt up as he uncovers me com-pletely, still shifting down my body just kissing down my legs, he even kisses my ankles and feet as he pulls my underwear off and over them. And then again he kisses his way back up me, right up the insides of my thighs but skips over my core and kisses my belly button instead, over my ribs under my breasts. He finally comes to a stop when we’re nose to nose, his right hand stroking the side of my face and his left shuffling himself out of his briefs. I swear he’s like a magician at taking his underpants off, abracadabra and they’re gone without hardly moving.   
“I love you Mrs Leto…” My heart does this thing and I swear that from the corner of my eye I actu-ally see it beat against my skin.   
“I love you too Mr Leto…” He pulls one of my hands into his and guides it down between us wrap-ping it around his dick so he literally puts the control in my hand. Having my hand around it with his over the top is not something new, he showed me how to do it, how he does it to himself, moving my hand in time with his, and it was unbelievable in the way it made me feel. But I’ve never had this… I stroke him firmly but with care I love how he feels against the palm of my hand, I move him so he slides in between my folds, he moans lightly and I nearly lose my concentration to the task in hand. With as much grace and athleticism as I could muster I guide his dick inside me and coordi-nate lifting my hips and swinging one of my legs around his waist to pull him towards me and in me as deeply as possible. Neither of us moves we just lay connected, happy sighs and little kisses, fin-gers whispering across the skin. It’s me that shifts my hips slightly first, I need it too much to stay still he reads my urge and starts to move himself. He hands are in my hair, running his fingers through the waves that had been put in there, touching my ears, every single spot I have that when he touches me I melt he’s got his hands on it. And the way he is looking at me, like he can’t stop looking at me, he’s not moved his head once, I feel like his eyes are literally stroking my soul and his smile, this cute adorable loving little smile that is all over his face not just his lips. He moves away slightly holding himself up and away from my balancing on his hands, and I bring my other leg around his waist and just let my hips grind against him, not concentrating on what they’re doing more watching his face still looking straight at me not breaking eye contact, not watching himself fuck me like normal, not watching my boobs jiggle. Neither of us are being overly loud, it doesn’t seem necessary to be shouting how he’s making me feel, he can read it across my face and I on his. I feel myself heating up and I wrap my hands tight around his forearms my nails almost denting his skin and my back arches my head tilts back   
“Look at me Amelia…” I look up to him again bringing my head back straight “I need to watch your face when you cum… please” I feel totally exposed, we’ve done so much sexually… so much, but I don’t know if I’ve ever managed to keep my eyes open when I cum, it’s like closing them when you sneeze it’s a reflex. I do my best to keep my face on his, as I heat up slowly. If I was watching this in a movie I would be in fits of giggles at the faces being made and pfft like that really happens, well it’s really happening, and it’s happening to me, his face is amazing, just I can’t describe it it’s not contorting, it’s not silly it’s incredible. I can see, I can see how much pleasure he’s feeling and it’s me that’s doing that to him. Like the very first time we slept together and I heard it in his moans tonight I can see it on his face, in the slight wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, the happy smile the way his nose turns up just a little at the end. My hands grip his forearms tighter and my back arches further but I don’t take my gaze away from his as I break like a bow beneath him, and there are no shouts or cries, his name falls off my tongue instead. I don’t think I closed my eyes, god I want to see him I want to see him cum so much I need to feel it, I love his face when he cums, I’ve watched it so many times. He bites his bottom lip, and his breathing deepens, so hard and fast I can feel it over my skin. He lowers his body melding us together, squashing me into the mattress putting his face to mine his arms under my back. I’m unnerved for a moment his eyes so close, they’re like natural hot springs so blue and deep and pure. His lips are on mine but not kissing they’re just there just brushing against mine. His hips begin to stutter “Amelia…” I let my hands wrap around him, more like an embrace stroking my hands up and down his spine, slightly damp with sweat “I… oh Amelia…” He sighs my name against my lips as he cums, not closing his eyes, not once, just look-ing straight into my own. I’ll never question again if he loves me or not. I know now.   
“Hey…” He’s got his head snuggled into the crook of my neck still on top of me   
“Am I squashing you?”   
“No… just… I love you”   
“You have no idea how much I love you… Mrs Leto…” I know now Jared, I really do… 

I wake up and think he’s gone because I’m in the bed alone or at least I think I’m alone this bed is HUGE in comparison to the one we’ve got at home. You could fit us in it at least three times over. But I really am alone… blinking my eyes open I see him sitting in a chair by the window his ipad screen illuminating his face. I can hear him sniffling, I hope he’s not getting a cold, because then I’ll get one and… But it’s not a snotty sniffle is it? Lion man what’s wrong? Shit he’s regretting it al-ready I knew it couldn’t… wouldn’t… shouldn’t last with us…   
“Jared?” I hear him snuffle again as if he’s wiping his nose like a small child (and probably on the sleeve of the robe he’s got on because he’s gross like that)   
“Sorry Little Pea I didn’t mean to wake you”   
“Why aren’t you asleep?” I pull the kimono off the floor and wrap it round myself, just in case I get papped through the window, that wouldn’t be the best way to start married life with a naked pho-to scandal although how a husband and wife being naked together on their wedding night is a scandal is beyond me  
“I was… I just… sometimes when I’ve had a big day, I just crash and then sometimes I feel like I just need to do just one more thing ya know?”   
“And what’s your one more thing tonight?” I get over to him and I see on the screen hundreds of photos of us, of the day, they must have been the ones taken by guests and uploaded to Insta-gram and Twitter (and have ended up on Tumblr probably)   
“I wanted to look at the photos that got tagged, sometimes I just… I have to check people are say-ing nice things about you…” He looks up at me, eyes a little red and watery “They can say what they want about me I don’t give a shit, but I… I get so defensive over you… I just wanted to check you weren’t being slated for… I don’t know but I hate you seeing things and getting upset and…”   
I pull the ipad out of his hands and plonk myself quite forcefully down into his lap, letting his arms wrap round me and his face nuzzle into my neck “I don’t care what other people think, or thought about it, the only persons opinion who mattered yesterday was yours”   
“You looked so beautiful Amelia” He used his fingertips to move my hair slightly so he can land a kiss to my neck “You ARE so beautiful Amelia”   
“And has anyone said anything bad about me?”   
“No… do you… would you like to see?”   
“Sure”   
There are so many pictures, taken by everyone from every angle. Shannon and Char’s are hilarious and have caught us just pulling faces at each other and laughing. Emma got an incredible one of us dancing where it looks like we’re in a spotlight all of our own. Photos of everyone all the guests selfies and group shots and so many pictures that I’m in, that we’re in that I don’t remember even being taken. There’s thousands of Instagram likes and comments on all of them and none of them say a bad word about anyone, just love hearts and messages of congratulations, wishes for a happy life together, the love is overwhelming. I feel myself welling up when I read a comment that says ‘I’m so happy that true love is real, and not just in the movies…’ There is too much sap, there has been enough sap over the past forty eight hours to last me a five lifetimes over. I’m glad we’re not going on honeymoon and are just going to sit around the apartment I don’t think I could take the romance. I like the cuddles I’ve been getting though don’t get me wrong it’s not that Jared isn’t normally affectionate with me, far from it, it’s just he always decides he wants to cuddle me at re-ally odd times usually when I’m in the middle of doing something that I then have to do with a lion wrapped round me so it’s nice that I don’t have anything to do other than let myself be cuddled. We sit and watch the sunrise together, me still on his knee, neither of us saying much, it just seemed the thing to do watch the dawn come up on our first day as man and wife. We don’t have sex again, I think all that needed to be said with our bodies was done and I certainly won’t be for-getting that in a hurry. Plus we now have the rest of our lives for sex, and him tying me up and spanking me and whatever other kinky things he can come up with or maybe I can come up with or should it be cum?  
I start falling asleep in his lap and we crawl back in to bed, him slinging himself over me, I’m sure if it ever came to it we could actually sleep in a single bed, well for the first half an hour, until I start wriggling around. When I wake back up we are both in bed but miles apart, and there’s so much of this comforter I debate building some kind of fort out of it and going to get Jack to come play but Jared tells me that it’s breakfast time and we should make an appearance, make sure everyone’s ok. We make our way down to the private dining room again hand in hand. Now that IS something we don’t do very often, he gets frustrated with it and has said ala Sex in the City ‘will you just hold my dam hand’ it’s not that his hands are huge (which they are) and mine are tiny so he squashes them, it’s just… I dunno… I suppose it’s because I’m always doing things with my hands, writing, painting, drawing, waving them around when I’m talking that to have them captured and stilled is just an alien feeling to me.   
The hotel is so quiet on the way down I start to wonder if the world ended and we’re the only people left… Just me and Jared Leto well… sixteen year old self plotting what you would do if the world ended, you never factored that one in did you? You and Jordan Catalano riding off into the sunset together… Should I now get V to make me a shirt that says ‘Mrs Jordan Catalano’? Because I never did get over him, I married him instead.   
We’re met by a small round of applause because as usual we are the last ones to arrive. As soon as I sit down Harry is plonked into my lap without a lot of grace “She missed her Aunty Amelia cuddles yesterday didn’t you Harry?” Coos Char over my shoulder, erm… I missed you too Harry, it’s just you have a tendency to burble up milk everywhere and I didn’t want it down my dress, I hope you understand when you’re older. I pass her to Jared after five minutes because my arm had gone to sleep and I want to eat the amazing looking Vegan breakfast that’s been put in front of me. Every-one is full of tales of things I missed yesterday just little things like my Mom accidentally kissing the photographer on the lips as he left and Tomo’s button popping off his suit pants after way too much cake like an old man. More photos are shared everyone’s cell phones and cameras are pulled out and passed round. It’s going to cost me a fortune in printing to get all these done but my artis-tic brain is whirring away with thoughts of albums filled with cute vintage looking polaroids and memorabilia from the day like the key card to our room and the napkins with ours names and the date embroidered on to them.   
“Where’s Emma?” I lean over Jared (who’s just pulling a host of crazy faces at Harry who doesn’t give a shit and just wants to pull his hair) towards V who’s the other side of him   
“Dunno, she didn’t stay at the here last night, she went home with Peter”   
“Who the fuck is Peter?”   
“Her boyfriend” Jared doesn’t even look up from Harry he just kind of huffs at my need for female type gossiping “I told you this weeks ago Little Pea, I said is it ok if Emma’s boyfriend comes to the reception and you said yes” OH I’m so glad all this is over and I can have my brain back, my wonder-ful brain filled with art and historical facts, my brain filled with visions of Jared’s sex face and reci-pes for sugar cookies and soup, NOT a brain filled with wedding… wedding… wedding… because it’s done now, I wonder what else I’ve missed with my head full of cake and vows “He works for HBO on Game of Thrones she met him at the SAGs” I pull a face at Jared and he just laughs at me, did she mention a guy at my bachelorette party? Fuck knows I remember getting there and that’s about it, bloody V and her wine glasses that can hold an entire bottle  
“Even I knew that and I have had baby brain…” Char rolls her eyes at me   
After everyone’s eaten I get to my feet to make a speech, I know weird huh? I didn’t really do one yesterday apart from the birthday thing, I think if I had tried I would have just gibbered and not made any sense I was so overwhelmed (even with cue cards… I still want to know how Jared re-membered all his? Maybe he just winged it, probably… pfft) with everything and really the only people I wanted to say anything to are here with me now. Jared, Mum, Dad, Art, Katie, Jack, Shan-non, Constance, Char, Harry, V and Jamie they’re all the really important people. I cough to try and get everyone’s attention but I guess they think I’ve just stood up to… I don’t know go to the bath-room or something…   
“OI…” finally everyone turns to me “Yes hello… first born child, new wife here” I wave my arms slightly frustrated I hate making speeches but it’s just easier to speak to everyone in one go “I just wanted to say… thank you to all of you, for yesterday and for the months of putting up with me having a brain full of wedding nonsense I’m sorry if I’ve missed anything really important that you’ve told me and it’s gone in one ear and out the other”   
“I’m not entirely sure you would have noticed I’d gone into labour if I hadn’t shouted at you”   
“Yes thanks Char… ANYWAY…Thank you all for everything… I’m so excited to be a Leto”   
“You weren’t at one point” scoffs Jared, can I not speak without being interrupted by everyone I should have got one of those talking stick things “But I’m glad you are now”   
“Well… so yeah… thanks for parents for the funding, thank you to Constance for raising an incredi-ble man for me to marry, thank you Veronica for being my best friend, thank you Char for being my other best friend and thank you both for the pep talks booze and anxiety medication, Katie thank you for taking care of my little brother for me”   
“I think you’ll find I’m actually a foot bigger than you Emmy”   
“Pfft you know what I mean…”   
“Don’t roll your eyes” Shut up JARED you have made enough speeches this year to last a lifetime this one’s mine or I’m trying for it to be  
“Shannon and Jamie I adore you both I hope you know that… and erm Jared… I love you more than pizza…” He just looks up at me as if I’ve gone a bit crazy while handing Harry over to Shannon who’s laughing at me too “I give up… I love you all and that’s it” I sit back down with a thud and Jared wraps his arms around me laughing   
“You’re not good with speeches Little Pea”   
“What about the one I made at my book launch?”   
“People wanted to hear what you had to say then…” It’s a good job he’s not holding Harry anymore because I swiftly elbow him in the ribs “I’m kidding… can we go home? I’m so weddinged out”   
“Weddinged is not a word Jared” I fold my arms across my chest, everyone else is starting to get ready to go   
“Yes it is, my wife came up with it, my actual genius, beautiful wife who loves me more than pizza, which I know is a fuck load of love because you told me you wanted to marry a pineapple pizza once before you fell asleep with your head in it” I start smiling again I can’t help it “Now come on Little Pea lets go home, make sure the furry baby is ok, open presents, have a bath, eat… pizza”   
Everyone goes their separate ways, my brother is the hardest to say goodbye to as he’s going back to San Fran with Katie and Jack and I’m not sure when I’ll see them next. I make a mental note to go visit I don’t know why I don’t I guess because I’ve been so busy, and Jared’s sporadic schedule has me all over the world, this year though this year when he’s home more maybe we can visit them together. I don’t think I’ve ever taken a guy with me to see Art in San Fran EVER. First one may as well be the last one.   
We’re papped leaving, I hope these guys haven’t been camped out to get my photo its cold and it’s Christmas, I would have come out just so they could go home and be with their families if I’d have known. We always look so funny when we both have luggage, he’s horrifically embarrassed by mine. But it’s got sentimental value, on a trip to Japan the holdall I did have ripped so I had to buy a new case and in Japan the choice is endless it’s not black, red, silver, no my suitcase is black with pink spots and little bows and in sharpie on the pink trim it says ‘home sick at spacecamp’ on it, yeah like the Fall Out Boy song, it was just something silly I started doing on my luggage and never stopped. It’s like being in the greatest place in the world (or out of this world) and still miss-ing home, because you’ve got one, that’s what it means. NOT that I am an eternal EMO kid JARED! And then there’s his state of the art bomb proof multi compartment thing with the handle and the 360 degree wheels on the bottom. And no matter what he always ends up pulling both of them because mines so big and he’s nice like that. We leave in the truck we came in the truck single we arrive home in the truck married.   
When we get to the apartment door however, well more like our floor I guess, somebody’s been up here as there’s a congratulations banner attached to the outside of the door and there are heart shaped balloons either side “Not me Little Pea” I can see it in his eyes it really wasn’t him   
“Nor me Lion Man” there’s a tag on the end of the banner that just say congratulations on our mar-riage love the building, no apartment number or name, just ‘the building’ which is really lovely and I feel bad that I hardly ever go to the committee meetings because I’m just never here and neither is he. Maybe I could send every apartment a slice of wedding cake, seeing as we’re not going to eat it all…   
“RIGHT Mrs Leto…” He opens the door and there’s Beast sitting behind it, where he just looks at us then slinks off, I guess we’re in the dog house or rather cathouse for a while. Jared pulls the cases into the apartment and I go to follow him in only for him to turn around and put his hand out block-ing me “I have to carry you…” I think he’s going to do it all lovely like when he scoops me up to his chest holds me tight instead I’m picked up by my waist and hurled over his shoulder and a very hard loud slap cracks across my ass as I’m carried in through the front door, him kicking it closed with his boot behind us “You’re mine now…wife”   
Yes, yes I am… husband

It takes DAYS to unwrap all the gifts, fucking days, there’s gifts from all kinds of people and com-panies and people that weren’t at the wedding people I don’t know, the echelon, people I went to school with I don’t even fucking know. Nor do I know what I’m going to do with it all. We end up making two piles in the middle of the living room, one pile for keeps and one pile of ‘we’ll never use that see if someone else wants it if not it’s going to charity’. There is SO much kitchen stuff is someone trying to drop hints here at my total lack of culinary skills? I don’t think we’ve got enough kitchen counter for it all to fit on. I should have requested that people donate money to one of Jared’s charities rather than buy us gifts. The ‘to keep’ pile is really small, then Jared goes a bit off course and makes a ‘to take to the lab’ pile and starts putting things in there. Then there’s the money, which all gets donated to charity and a bit to my Mom and Dad because they paid for the wedding and some to Constance because I have a thing about equality in gifts. Then there are the vouchers and the only one we actually use… well kind of… is one that was sent to us from a com-pany that specialise in… I think toys is a good word here, but not children’s toys oh no far from it. So we sit there on the couch with this website up and all this fuckery on the screen, oh my god, we’ve never bought things together before, he turns up with stuff and I buy things too but never together. He starts graphically describing how much he’d like to use a spreader bar on me and that’s it… We get as far as putting loads of things in our online shopping basket only we don’t make it quite as far as the checkout and all is clear as to why we don’t do these things TOGETHER. I’ll buy something with it when he’s not looking…   
Hands down best gift award goes to Shannon and Char, who I think probably more Char than Shannon bought us a Twister Bed Cover so we can play naked Twister. I get the feeling this is for us to try out and report back so Char get one for them, friggin weirdo, I just laugh for an hour as we make up our own rules that involve stripping. Strip Twister? Doesn’t work and we get cum right in the middle of one of the red spots, see that’s WHY original Twister matts were WIPE clean… Jamie and V got us matching bathrobes, mine says Little Pea and his says Lion Man, there so big and fluffy and mine trails along the ground slightly but I am totally sold and will now wear it every day forever. My mum and Dad have had a similar idea and bought us matching towels only with our ACTUAL names embroidered on them. Constance buys us the most amazing set of photo frames made from wood that she’d brought in off the beach or something there was a big tale to it but I was too absorbed in my new fluffy robe to be listening properly because IT HAS A HOOD. I feel like a boxer… ‘AND IN THE BLUE CORNER WEIGHING IN AT ONE HUNDRED POUNDS PROBABLY A BIT MORE BECAUSE OF ALL THE CAKE AND STANDING FIVE FOOT ONE INCH ITS LITTLE PEA’ *cue Rocky music AGAIN*   
I need to do some work, I need to paint, I need to write, I need to get myself sorted into this televi-sion thing, I need to go to the supermarket and just be normal and he apparently needs to write a new album but every time he picks up his guitar Beast sits and pats his hands till he gives up and cuddles him so that’s not getting done. I go down to my studio and check that you know it’s not burnt down or that I didn’t leave anything in there that could go mouldy, I sit and stare into space for a while just trying to get my mind back in normality what did I think about before I had to think about the wedding? I thought about my book, that’s done now, I thought about LACMA, that’s done now, I don’t want to think about the TV thing it’s making me anxious. I get home and Jared has become the very definition of couch potato. I don’t think he’s moved in hours, just laid there with the TV remote in his hand trying to watch eight channels at once because now he’s finally stopped he’s watching all the shows and movies he’s missed out on being on the road, but he can’t do it one at a time, no he’s like a robot eyes darting between The Hunger Games and Thor then realises he’s not seen the first ones of either of those movies so he gives up and cuddles the cat. THIS IS JARED LETO ON DOWNTIME… I think I preferred him running around  
“Vogue want us to be in their May issue” I haven’t even closed the door, haven’t even said hello and that’s the first thing he throws at me? Oh good… I’ll go back out and come back in again and lets start that over because I’m sure you just said VOGUE as in Anna Wintour fashion fashion fash-ion DARLING Vogue not Madonna in the nineties Vogue want us to be on their super glossy pages looked at by people all over the world   
AND hello Jared it’s nice to see you too, did you actually notice I’d left the apartment, unlike you, potato face “Don’t be so fucking stupid” that’s the actual response that comes out of my mouth because seriously don’t be so fucking stupid, I can see Vogue wanting HIM little IT boy that he is but not me. He just looks at me over the back of the couch where I’m stood opening mail near the table, bill bill bill… will you pay my automobile? Great that’s going to be stuck in my head for hours now… Right WHAT Jared WHAT?   
“Power couples, they’re doing a piece on power couples and they want us, Emma sent me over the details earlier”   
“Have you already said yes to this?”   
“No…” He almost ducks behind the back of the couch as he says that meaning he already has   
“JARED”   
“Ok yes but why not? We never work together, it seemed like a cool thing to do… is there some kind of underlying feminist issue that I have missed entirely and you’re going to call me a misogy-nist… again?”   
“Well what happened to all the single ladies?” I make Beyonce type movements with my LEFT hand, realising shit I’ve got a ring on it, that one’s not gonna fly… erm… “So women cannot be powerful without a man beside them?”   
“And here we go… Amelia women can do what the fuck they want, this is a piece about people who were individually awesome and then came together to make a super robot from the future to take over the world”   
“Stop watching Power Rangers you’re in your forties”   
“Sorry just let’s do it huh? Annie’s taking the photos…” Oh of course she is, brilliant…   
“You are… you know… you… I’m not… the great and powerful OZ or whatever”   
“Amelia AGAIN you are an award winning artist your commission rate is higher than most of your peers put together and you’re an incredibly well respected published art historian with a doctorate which is kind of unusual in lots of ways because one you’re not dead and two you’re a woman… a really hot one with such a fine ass” Jared I need you to go back to work or something because you’re going a bit weird… If I agree to this does that mean he’ll move off the couch? I mean Annie wouldn’t come here and take the photos. Not like Terry already did, which is how there was a load of half-naked Jared in the shower shots on the internet because it happened in OUR shower and I still don’t know if I’m more bothered about naked Jared on the internet or all the underwear dry-ing on the rail in the background for all the world to see. OK I’ll do this but I’m not being made to look like some weak woman who throws herself at her master’s feet, because yeah I do that but I don’t want the world to know that I do that.   
“Ok… who else is doing it? Brad and Angelia? David and Victoria? Gwen and Gavin?”   
“I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not… and no they’re old hat Little Pea, we are the only peo-ple who are… well I am the only person who’s in front of the camera if you see what I mean, au-thors, designers etc they’re the other people taking part… I think we get the most… column inches though” he raises his eyebrows as he says that, stop turning everything into an innuendo, please because now when someone says column and inches I’m just going to laugh and blush furiously   
“We’re not on the cover are we?”   
“No Angelina Jolie is”   
“I thought you just said she was old hat?”   
“Her and Brad are… her on her own is not… will you come and sit with me please? You’ve been stood over there looking at bills for ages, I’m your husband you’ve been in the apartment for more than five minutes and you’ve not even come and given me a kiss yet I need attention Little Pea ATTENTION”   
“Now I don’t know if YOU’RE being sarcastic or not…” I sigh and put the bills down on the table, I’ll deal with them later. I don’t even get to sit myself down because I’m unceremoniously grabbed by the wrist and pulled down on top of him, like Bambi on ice arms and legs going everywhere well my limbs anyway he’s just trying to cling to me like a sloth, putting kisses all over my face like an over excited puppy “When did you last leave the apartment?”   
“New Year’s Eve” After all the wedding happenings no one really wanted to do anything overly exciting so we went to Char and Shannon’s and I fell asleep on the couch with Harry in my lap be-fore the clock had even gone eleven never mind midnight, thinking on it though, I don’t know what else we could have done. Gone out? Round Hollywood? Photos everywhere? I still don’t think my eyes are back to normal after all the flashes from the wedding “Jared that was FOUR days ago”   
“I’m writing an album”   
“You’re watching TV and talking to the cat”   
“Maybe I do it while you’re asleep… OK I know I just… needed to switch off a bit, do you need me to do things? Housewife type things while you’re out taking over the world? Go to the market? Change the bed sheets? Can I put the Twister ones back on if I get the cum out of it?”   
“Will you ever be able to ask me one question at a time?”   
“No… maybe… can we have a bath? Or shall we eat dinner? What shall we have for dinner? What’s a January kind of food?” I put my lips to his just to get him to shut the fuck up, for some reason Jared and he only does it when he’s talking to me (sometimes Shannon) can’t filter between his brain and his mouth, it’s a tirade an exhausting tirade. And another reason why babies are not happening can you imagine the questions from a small Leto and a big one… IN UNISON? Mummy why is the sky blue? Where do babies come from? Where is my stuffed toy? Amelia shall we go to the park? Shall I put my jacket on? Have you seen my marbles I’ve lost them… ARGH god… quiet I just need quiet my brain can’t cope   
“We’ll have erm… vegan sausage and mash for dinner, I’ll cook, if you want a bath go yourself oth-erwise we’ll never eat” I’m still on top of him he’s still got me pinned to him but I’ve managed to get myself into a position where I don’t feel like jello on a plate   
“I should write my album”   
“In the bath?” Suddenly I’m filled with visions of Thirty Seconds to Mars recording an entire album in the bathroom, nothing would surprise me  
“I’ll write it on your butt in a minute”   
“Promises… promises…” I roll my eyes at him   
He pulls my hair slightly so my head is nose to nose with his “I think you’re getting too used to these cuddles Amelia, too used to soppy me, I think… yes… it’s about time that I went back to work and you went back to being a good girl…”   
“And if I’m naughty?” I like to push his buttons, it’s so fucking worth it, so worth it, dinner and baths and album writing and trying to get my head round the Vogue situation is about to go out the window because I am going to be SPANKED “Then what happens?”   
He shrugs his shoulders “Nothing right now… because right now…” He literally rolls me on to the floor and stand ups “I’m going for a bath and you’re going to cook my dinner…” I’m stepped over and he walks towards the bathroom swaying his hips and slams the door closed behind him leaving me on the floor utterly confused about being in Vogue and turned on because… I think… I hope… please because he’s not come out to play in so long… Dom Jared is back “I can’t hear my dinner be-ing cooked… whore” Oh yes FUCK YES   
*******************************************************************************************  
“Right Jared I’m going” I’ve got a meeting downtown about this ridiculous television show thing that I appear to have been roped into, I don’t know why I agree to this insanity... Do I not have enough on my plate with… well nothing but you know I just kind of wanna be a housewife for a little while till I get bored… in about a week… I’ll go to the meeting. I come out of the bedroom and look at him, my husband, still can’t get over that, he’s sitting on the couch with his back to me ap-parently writing an album…. It actually looks like he’s playing Candy Crush on his phone instead, whatever he’s doing he’s so absorbed into it he’s not listening as he doesn’t respond “Jared I’m going”   
“Come here please” doesn’t even turn to look at me, just stays on the couch head down still look-ing at his phone. When I get to stand in front of him he FINALLY looks up at me all blue eyes and beard, hair falling down his shoulders looking oh so innocent “Show me your panties”   
“Jared I’m going to be late”   
He huffs and just stares at me jaw clenching “I won’t ask again Amelia show me your panties” oh god Dom Jared, what’s happening here? It’s not even nine am yet and he’s up to something… I raise the hem of my dress to up above my waist “No pantyhose? No Leggings?”   
“Not today too warm” It really was unseasonably warm hence the dress in the first place, I felt as if I should be regretting my fashion choices and I’m still stood holding my dress up his eye line direct-ly in line with my core, if I wasn’t due out somewhere I’d just tell him to stop staring at it and start eating it but I don’t think that’s gonna fly today   
“Good… take them off” He waves his hand at me just waves it all dismissive like I’m boring him   
“Jared I can’t go out without panties on”   
“Amelia you are trying my patience so you can either take them off yourself or I will take them off for you” See now I really like these ones and there’s a pair of scissors on the table within his reach but…   
“Kind of difficult Jared seeing as I am using my hands to hold up my dress”   
“AMELIA” he’s looking at me and he doesn’t need to say the words to me, he wants me to submit, he wants me to be his whore, but I cannot cancel this business meeting it’s already been resched-uled three times. In order to get out of the door quicker and my ever growing curiosity as to what he’s up to now I move my hands use them to slide my panties down my legs and over my knee socks and boots. Grunge is back and I am going to take full advantage of it while it is in my floral dress and big boots, until Jared starts dressing like Jordan Catalano again because then we will all just be doomed, totally doomed. Feeling a bit brave once I’ve got the dam things balled up in my hands I throw them into his lap and stand with my arms crossed against my chest defiantly. He huffs again and reaches behind him producing a plain black thong “Put these on” Has he suddenly developed some kind of new kink I don’t know about? There’s no labels in them no indication of brand, nothing, they feel maybe a bit heavier than average but that could be because they’re cot-ton and I’m used to lace. I pull them on and lift my dress up again so he can see “Much better, twirl for me please” I spin slowly in a circle and he lightly spanks my ass as it passes him “Right Amelia, today you are going to learn a thing or two about control, you’ve been getting sloppy and cumming too easily, so you’re going to learn to hold it and not make a sound either until I say so DO I make myself clear?”   
“Yes Jared”   
“Good girl… now off you go to your meeting…” He grabs my wrist and brings me down to his level kissing me “You look really pretty today, love you wife… drive safe” and just like that Dom Jared is gone and fluffy lion Jared has taken his place stretched out on the sofa like a kitty in the sun want-ing its belly scratched and I AM CONFUSED  
“But…”   
“Don’t be late Little Pea off you go”   
I’m in the elevator when it happens first I’m talking away to the dear old lady who lives on the floor below us about a roof garden and because we are kind of the only people who live upstairs would having more foot traffic above us be a problem? I shouldn’t think so and I’m sure Beast would love somewhere to hang out outside as would Jared. Kitties in the sun big and small… At first I think it’s my cell vibrating in my purse because of how I’m holding it and it’s not a big vibration more a quiet hum, but it’s not my cell is it? Oh no it’s my fucking panties, my fucking new panties that I’ve just been put into by my husband are fucking vibrating and I bet my bottom dollar that he is in total control of them. You think you can break me Leto? HA! I think not. I can ignore this it feels more annoying than anything I’ll just block it out. Then it stops, it just cuts out when I get in the car to drive downtown, are they broken? See Jared this is why you don’t buy dodgy sex toys in China Town it’s a wonder my lady parts aren’t bursting out in actual flames right now. I get downtown and into my meeting and I’ve forgotten all about the dam things. I’m sat talking away, actually try-ing to get some business done. This show is going to be like the old magazine shows of the nineties so there’ll be a segment on fashion, one on culture and one on art, obviously I’m doing the art one seeing as I know nothing about the other two apart from that Jared’s man galaxy leggings are NOT fashion despite what he says. The other segments are to be presented by people I’ve never heard of but are obviously very important judging by the size of the entourages they arrived with I should have brought Char she makes for a good entourage.  
“I see no reason why the Guggenheim can’t be the first gallery we explore, it makes sense, start with the best but I want to point out that…” Oh god it’s started again I take a deep breath and compose myself squeezing the tops of my thighs together like that’s going to help one bit Amelia “There are hidden gems in smaller galleries all over the country and erm…” the vibrations are get-ting stronger, don’t think about Jared, don’t think about Jared because as soon as you think about him, you’ll think about him fucking you which is essentially what he’s doing right now… “People should always check out things like art crawls and private galleries to find the up and coming artists, I’m also pretty keen on doing a piece on Guerilla art too maybe go to Bristol in the UK which is where Banksy hails from and OH HOLY FUCK”   
Everyone is staring at me, and the vibrations in my panties are just fucking pulsating you fucking asshole Jared, I bet he’s just sat on the couch grinning to himself, don’t think about him with an erection, don’t think about him naked and hard, he was wearing clothes when I left wasn’t he? Wasn’t he? “Amelia are you ok?”   
“Yeah sorry I erm… I think I pinched a nerve when I was painting yesterday my leg keeps twitching sorry” The conversation around me starts again and my phone vibrates on the table “Sorry I erm… I need to get this… I’m still listening though I swear” I turn it over to see a text from Jared that just says ‘Good meeting?’ I’m still in the goddam twatting meeting Jared trying not to slide down my fucking seat in an orgasmic heap on the floor ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ is the reply I manage to get out ‘Concentrate on your meeting Amelia, and I’m not doing anything I don’t know what you’re talking about its not like I’ve got a remote control…’ “SHIT IT” Everyone’s turned back to me as the vibrations get even stronger “Sorry I’m having a bit of hard time with an awkward commis-sion”   
“Do you need to go? I mean we can do this meeting another time”   
“No it’s fine… honestly carry on” ‘STOP IT’ my hands are shaking as I’m trying to type now, I’m sure people are noticing and how can they not hear it vibrating against the leather of the chair ‘stop WHAT?’ it gets stronger again and I am sure I’m going to draw blood from biting my lips to stop the moans, I am one hundred per cent sure I’m going to cum any second then it stops just stops dead, maybe they really did break, I perch myself on the edge of my chair and get back to the task at hand trying to adjust myself slightly under the table. I don’t respond to his text I’m leaving it fuck-ing Dom Jared comes out to play at the most ludicrous times… and ok yes maybe I have been cumming a bit quicker than normal but he’s just so… Jared Leto with his head between my thighs and I can’t help it and my concentration is shot to hell as I’m up to my eyeballs in other stuff at the moment. Lesson learnt Jared ok?   
I leave the meeting with a filming schedule and a final contract that I’ll have my agent slash lawyers look over make sure I’m not being diddled out of something or into something. That’s such an Eng-lish word ‘diddled’ maybe I’ve been watching too much UK TV while Jared is ‘working’. I think the vibrations have started again but this time it really is my cell with another text from Jared probably saying that I’m weak or something HA! They’re broken Jared I broke your stupid sex pants and they didn’t make me cum, ok so they nearly did but whatever ‘Ok?’ does he think he’s actually broken me? ‘Fine thanks’ I get to and in the car before he responds again ‘How’s the puddle you’re sitting in right now? The one between your thighs… The one just waiting for me to slide my dick in-to? If you’ve been a good girl that is...’ ‘FINE’ you’re kind of pissing me off a bit now Jared, I’m ri-diculously turned on and miles from home, I think about just taking the dam things off and driving home without them on but then what if I get pulled and searched or… for fucks sake see he knows how my mind works, knows that I will have thought of all this and he knows how much I can take against certain parts of my body before I just collapse in a heap of cumming. Another text ‘Oh I’m sorry have you had enough?’ And then it starts again just so high that I actually moan in the middle of the parking lot, thankfully INSIDE the car. And then as soon as it started it stops, I get home without it going off and by the time I get there I am furious, sometimes Dom Jared pisses me off, and I take a stand against him, not that often though because most times I just fucking whimper and submit while he ties me up but I like to keep him on his toes.   
“JARED LETO YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE THAT MEETING WAS REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT AND… Oh Hi Hanny”   
“Emmy… erm… well I’ll erm… yeah” Shannon is getting up from the couch and Jared is just sat there looking like the cat that got the cream which is when the vibrations start again and I stare daggers at him, and he’s just there looking at his phone screen not even looking in my direction “Don’t fall out you two… I’ll see myself out… Emmy come see Harry and Char soon yeah? I think she’s going a bit crazy being on maternity leave”   
“Sure…” my voice stutters at the end of the word because the vibrations have got higher, and as the door clicks behind Shannon my knees just buckle underneath me and I sink to the floor “You fucking asshole”   
“Is my little whore mad?” He gets ups from the couch and just stands there looking over me, phone still is his hand “How about this?” It gets higher again and my moans start before I can think about stopping them “Better?”   
“Oh fuck…” oh fuck…   
He makes a tutting noise and gets down to my level “You need to learn to control it Amelia don’t you?”   
“Yes Jared”   
“I don’t think you’ve done a very good job of that now have you?” I am on my hands and knees like a fucking cat trying to control my body, trying to brace myself for whatever he’s up to and the fucking panties are still humming away against me. He slides his fingers inside them “Well… drip-ping… that’s not very controlled of you is it? Whore”   
“No Jared”   
“I think you need to be punished, don’t you?” I can’t even respond anymore and I just whimper which makes him chuckle and shuffle round behind me, I think he’s going to fuck me just in the middle of the floor where I’ve ended up, he lifts my dress away from my ass “Now these knee socks whore… they really are something, I’d like to see you wear these more often ok?”   
“Yes Jared”   
“Good girl… do you remember the safe word Amelia?”   
“Yellow”   
“Excellent” There’s a hard slap to my ass from his palm and the cracking sound bounces around the room. Jared spanking me is such a turn on, it’s just… urgh. I can’t concentrate my clit is vibrating I can feel how wet I am and he cracks me across the ass cheeks again. Don’t moan, don’t moan don’t moan… “Such a pretty ass… even better with my hand print across it” Another crack from his palm, it stings, oh it fucking stings so good you little shit Jared I hate you “Would you like me to fuck you whore?” another crack, oh god that’s… it’s…   
“Yes Jared”   
“Do you want to cum?” Another crack and my legs are trembling underneath me now ditto with my arms   
“Yes Jared” I do not know how words are coming out of my mouth or how I’m not just in a puddle of my own cum right now. I feel momentarily proud of myself for not managing to give it to his in-sistent sex toy and spanking but he’s over the top of me top his chest against my back fingers stroking up my arms with one hand the other being used to undo his pants and free his erection and slide it between my folds pushing the panties out of the way. I think I need to take them off, maybe he wants to feel the vibration too. He pushes himself forcefully inside me gripping my hips and it takes all my concentration not to burst the first time he brushes my g-spot or the second time, or the third time as he just mercilessly pumps his hips in my direction   
“Amelia… concentrate…” he pulls me backwards leaving him on his knees underneath me my legs half wrapped behind him for balance, not that I need it as his grip on me is so strong just fucking bouncing me up and down “Do you like your new panties?” He moves one of his hands to rest on top of them near my clit feeling them vibrating against me the extra pressure there is something I do not need right now Jared “I said do you like your new panties whore?”   
“Yes Jared” He’s starting to lose it I know he is, the vibrations clearly working for him as well he must be able to feel them right through his crotch right into his balls. Don’t think about his balls don’t think about his balls. You are on a beach somewhere nice and hot with a drink, there is not a man who’s your husband with his massive dick pounding you into the floor while the panties that he bought for you vibrate against your clit his hand is pushing them further down holding them to you, that’s not happening at all nope not to me. Only it is… oh god… oh fuck…   
“You’ve been such a good whore today” he really is losing control it took him ages to get that sen-tence out and his hand is at my throat now pulling me backwards further his mouth against my shoulder just biting my through the fabric of my dress, why is sex with clothes still on so arousing? My hands go from gripping his for balance into his hair, I LOVE feeling his hair in my fingers it’s only when he lets go just a little bit I can do it without him stopping me “Should I let you cum?”   
“Please Jared…”   
“You make me feel like I’m going to cum too…” I knew it was getting to him too HA! Now who’s the whore Jared? Oh god I can feel you twitching inside me… “Are you ready to cum Amelia?”   
“Yes Jared”   
“What if I do this?” His fingers slip inside the panties and the skin on skin contact with his finger tips and my clit just ends me. I am done I can’t stop it I am cumming he is cumming, there’s moans echoing around the room “Oh holy fuck… you…. Dirty… little… WHORE”   
“FUCK ME… Jesus fucking Christ” I am seeing stars, I am rushing through space, I came so fucking hard, I came so HARD in fact that I fall forwards in post coital haze away from his dick and he’s too far gone to stop me and I literally face plant into the wooden floor because I can’t get my hands out in front of me quick enough where they were still tangled up in his hair   
“Oh my god Amelia I am so sorry… I am so sorry are you ok?” He’s crawled round to face me lifting my head carefully off the floor if anyone was to walk in now I dread to think what they would make of it “Oh god I’ve broken you… I’ve broken my wife… shit look at me… fuck your nose is bleeding, can you stand up let’s get you over the sink”   
“Jared” I bat him away pinching the bridge of my nose it’s not the first time I’ve managed this, ok not via awesome sexing but still “turn the fucking panties off please”   
“SHIT, SHIT… sorry sorry” he’s scrabbling round for his phone and the vibrations finally stop as I try and get to the sink letting my bleeding nose drip into it “Let me see…” I turn around from this sink and I’ve done myself a real good one here as my hands are covered in blood and now my ass is truly stinging “Tilt your head back… Little Pea I am so sorry… is it stopping?”   
I can’t feel any blood running down my throat so that’s a bonus right now “I think so… my ass really hurts Jared” I let my head down gently relieved when no more blood drips out of it. That was a real-ly dramatic couple of minutes and some that I don’t think I want to repeat “I’m covered in blood”   
“Let’s get you in the shower” He walks me gently towards the bathroom and we pass Beast on our way who looks at us as if we’ve truly lost it this time. I’m gently stripped out of my clothes and put under the hot spray I better not get black eyes because I have to be on camera for a screen test later this week. See THIS is why we don’t let Dom Jared and Submissive Amelia out… not because the sex isn’t awesome but because accidents seem to happen after the awesome sex when we lose our concentration. He washes me tenderly and while I lean over him slightly I notice red graz-es on his legs   
“What happened to your legs?”   
He looks down not realising that they were even there judging by his face and shrugs “Your boot buckles”   
“Shit Jared I’m sorry”   
“No I’m sorry… I just got a bit carried away with myself I don’t know what I’m sorrier about your ass or your nose…” he very gently puts a kiss to the end of my nose which thankfully doesn’t hurt “Can you remember once you asked me why I had to be in control?” I nod feeling my rings around my finger I’m constantly scared I’m going to lose them and if I do it’s like we’re over I don’t know it’s a weird thing I find myself checking they’re there every couple of minutes “Now I’m going to ask you my lovely Little Pea wife WHY you let me do it? Because you are so far from submissive” His arms wrap around me his hands gently stroking across my sore ass “I mean you know… normally”   
“I do it because it drives me crazy Jared” We’ve never had this conversation may as well do it now “It pisses me off, it turns me on, and because I suppose I am a bit of a control freak AND I am the dominant one in my career and stuff I like feeling small, I like how it makes me feel and it gets you off and that turns me on even more, that’s WHY I do it”   
“You know I love you right? I don’t do it to hurt you?”   
“Hey of course… Jared I have a safe word, I could have taken the dam panties off but I didn’t as much as you think you’re in control I’m playing with you just as much by being submissive because like you say I’m not”   
“I’m so glad I married you Amelia, I need to tell you that more”   
“No you don’t silly lion man… and I love you too” I stand on my tiptoes and put a kiss to the end of his nose. I love him. My husband. My Jared. My lion. My Dom… SOMETIMES


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

I’ve broken her, I’ve not even had her a month and I’ve broken her. The guilt I felt and still feel as two very large bruises appeared under her eyes was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. And alt-hough I didn’t hit her, I was careless with her and she got hurt, she got physically hurt and it was MY fault. God Little Pea what can I do to make it up to you? What do you want? Diamonds? Pup-pies? Fur coats? Flowers? The entire Saint Laurent collection for the next twenty years? Whatever you want you can have it and it still won’t be enough to show her how sorry I am. AND we’ve got this Vogue interview, and she’s gonna go with black eyes and a little cut on her nose. I bought her new sunglasses, the latest Ray Bans in the most obnoxious blue colour that totally clash with her hair which is the point of course and she’s insisting it was more her fault than it was mine but… God the guilt… the guilt… she’s papped and they get her so up close they see under her Ray Bans and then it’s all over the place that I’m some kind of wife beater and she says she hurt herself stretch-ing canvas because we can’t exactly put on twitter that she fell face first off my dick on to the floor after I’d spanked her ass raw and made her wear vibrating panties for the day (although I’m pretty sure that Tumblr get that’s what happened without us saying, dirty little freaks, but at least they understand). By the day we’re due down town to meet this Vogue journo they’ve gone to the point they can be covered with make-up thank god, and she put off her screen testing for the magazine show she’s going to be presenting, but to me they are still huge great big swollen black eyes that were all my fault.   
On the way down to the hotel where the suite is for our interview she’s full of self-doubt, still ut-terly confused as to why they want to talk to her and not just me, or why they want to talk to her and not you know Beyonce… because Little Pea if Beyonce was an art historian she would be called Amelia Henry no I mean Amelia LETO still not used to that one. She’s still full of why me literally up to the point where we get to the suite door and then I see it in her eyes, she just changes like someone flicked a switch in her brain and she turns into this dazzling, professional, confident but not cocky with it woman. Who does not miss a step the whole interview, I get my words in but she runs the show. We’re asked which of our careers is more important and she doesn’t even pause for breath just looks at me, smiles as if she’s read my mind and opens her mouth  
“I make things to look at, he makes things to listen to, neither of which is particularly important, the people whose careers are important are the people saving lives, curing diseases, fighting for our country, people who work for charities… we are not important we are lucky… lucky that people want to see and hear what we do… so lucky yes, important no” I couldn’t have said it any better, this is why she’s my wife, well one of the reasons, her brain is amazing I wish I could walk around it for a couple of hours and see what’s up there   
The day of the shoot rolls around (thank fully she’s now completely minus any bruises only a tiny red mark on the bridge of her nose) and she has very firmly put her foot down with the director over not being made to look like ‘the little woman’. She’s scary when she’s assertive, scary and hot as hell, I just want her to put a pair of really high heels on and stand on my back until I beg for mer-cy. I’ll even buy her the fucking heels… But I understand what she means, we are equal, she’s cer-tainly not my little woman far from it. And I know Little Pea I know I called you the Little Lady ONCE but it was a joke and please don’t give me the look, Shannon’s stink eye is kind of funny, Amelia’s ‘look’ is terrifying if that comes across her face then I just need to fucking duck. We switch it around and there’s a photo of me doing the ironing wearing an apron standing behind her as she sits in an old armchair with a TV dinner surrounded by cans of cheap lager. I see the test shots and it’s pretty funny but we don’t have typical married roles, seeing as we’re not a typical married cou-ple so I don’t know if it will make the final cut or if it will just end up framed and in the apartment  
She’s already said she wouldn’t do anything where she’s wearing underwear or swimwear, fully clothed only. I think she’d protest it was about women being objectified in the media but some-where deep in that pretty little head I can’t help but to think it’s about her eating disorder. I was worried about not only putting her in front of the camera for this, but as well for the TV show and I know V got stressed about it too. It’s like putting a drug addict in a pharmacy without supervision, she might start thinking oh my chin looks fat from this angle (which it does not I can’t see her chin being fat from any angle even when she’s trying to make a double chin face at Harry) and I can’t be in such a such outfit because then the world will see my fat thighs (they are not fat thighs, they are killer hot toned thighs that I just want to squash my head between) I was bracing myself in the run up to all this for her to go on some kind of crash diet, V warned me as did her Dad that’s the first step, she’ll start counting calories obsessively and if she eats then she has to burn off the calories straight away running or cycling, but she was happily filling her face with pancakes this morning that got delivered to us so… I’m not taking my eye off it just yet   
I fully expect her to come out of the dressing room in some kind of nuns smock not showing an inch of flesh in the sake of objectification for the second run of shots but she doesn’t she comes out looking like a fucking runway model, a really short runway model with the wardrobe lady run-ning behind her with a pair of obscenely high heels in her hand and Amelia apologising that she can’t walk in them so she’ll put them on when needed. She’s all Vivienne Westwooded up… I had my stylist pick her outfits at my instruction on her favourite labels because maybe her getting a load of free outfits from her favourite designers could help her forgive me for the bruises. And she wears this stuff so well, like it was made for her all ruffles and weirdly flowing hem lines. We get into position in front of the white wall and I worry that she’ll giggle, because if she has to pull a se-rious face her usual emotion is the gigs, like our wedding and once it was done she flipped be-tween laughing and crying and crying because she was laughing and laughing because she was crying… Instead she strikes a pose worthy of Vogue, and note to self check wife’s internet search history to see if she’s been googling how to do this because she’s doing it better than Cara right now   
The whole shoot runs like clockwork, I think I need to take her with me on all my shoots because her OCD at timekeeping is second to none. We actually finish early which makes a change and we’re home in time for a late dinner, well a takeout. She’s still got her shoot make up on, all smoky eyes and red lips and all I can think about through dinner is that lipstick smearing around my dick, but I’m still feeling so guilty about the whole black eye thing that I’ve only been able to touch her if she’s been laid on the bed or on many cushions… which means she’d probably take her make up OFF before I got her on any of those so it didn’t rub off on them, maybe I could just ask her to keep it on, maybe I should just buy her a red lipstick like that, I’m sure she’s already got one though, I’ll buy her a lifetime supply   
“Right are you going to tell me what’s up? Or am I going to have to spank it out of you?” She’s turned the TV off and is looking at me over the back of the couch, I’m stood with my hands in soapy water washing the dishes, I know right I’m Jared Leto but yeah I do the dishes, I’d do them whether I was feeling guilty or not usually because it’s me making all the mess   
“Nothing”   
“I know you’re lying Jared, you’ve been quiet for weeks, what’s up huh? Is it the album? Or is it that you have worked out you shouldn’t have married me?” Always with the doubt Little Pea may-be one day you’ll believe you’re my one true love   
“Don’t be silly”   
“Are you bored?” She’s padded across the room now and has wrapped her arms around me from behind, just squishing herself into my back, the way her body perfectly slots against mine from all angles never ceases to amaze me, that’s one of the reasons she stuck and no one else did because she didn’t fall through the gap in my arms, it was made for her and her only  
“No… I just…” I’m going to have to come up with something here because I don’t want her worry-ing about me, and my feelings, she’s got loads on, I’ve seen her work load stacking back up now the wedding is done, commissions and the TV show and then later this year guest lecturing then there’s the stuff she does for me on top of it when I’m away or busy and she’s often dragged her butt down to the warehouse at two am because there’s been an issue and I trust her to sort it in my absence  
“Jared?” Her hands reach out and slide up my shirt, her fingertips dancing up my torso, making me melt a little, the way I always have when our skin connects “Please tell me”   
“I’m so sorry Little Pea” I mover her hands away from me and spin round so I can face her   
“What for? What have you done?” Her eyes have changed colour, she’s scared, they’re the colour they were on her way to LACMA, the colour they were when she first met my Mom, the first time she took me to meet her parents   
“I hurt you” I dry my hands on the towel next to the sink before I touch her, she doesn’t want my dirty dish hands all over her, I can barely even look at her, in fact today at the shoot I think it’s the first time I’ve looked at her face properly for weeks because all I saw was black eyes every time I tried   
“Are you still talking about my bruises?” I nod and she brings her hands up to cup my face, her fin-gers sliding into my hair, brushing over my beard “Lion Man…” She sighs and smiles up at me “It wasn’t your fault, can I remind you that I am half blind and stupidly clumsy, do you know how many times I’ve managed to give myself black eyes like that?” I shake my head “Once I walked right into one of those TV wall bracket things and had an indentation on my forehead for weeks, I once fell out of a tree and scraped myself from ankle to armpit and don’t think I did that when I was a child I was in my twenties, I burn my ears every time I straighten my hair, I punch myself in the face when I stretch my canvases, I’ve split my lip even doing it, I fall UP the stairs all the time… Or is this about because people thought you’d done it? As in done something else?”   
“I… Little Pea I hurt you, I caused you bruises, pain, proper pain, your beautiful face…” I can’t get my words out properly without my voice breaking slightly  
“Jared I fell off your dick, after you’d made me cum so fucking hard I thought time had stopped, I think I’d rather end up with black eyes like that than punching myself in the face stretching canvas, my canvas doesn’t put me in vibrating panties and spank me… SO are you going to stop feeling guilty? Tell me what I need to do to let you know I’m not angry, you have NOTHING to feel bad over, do you want me to start a twitter and tell the world what really happened?”   
“NO just tell me what I need to do for you to forgive me?”   
“There’s nothing to forgive because you did nothing wrong, you missed that’s all, you didn’t react in time and neither did I…”   
“Yeah but if I hadn’t…”   
“Hadn’t what? Spanked me? Fucked me in the middle of the floor?” I look over to the spot where it happened and I’m convinced I can still see spots of her blood on the floor, it took me days to not see it on my hands. I cleaned it up when she was putting her pyjamas on, that’s something I never want to have to do again clean up my wife’s blood… “Have you talked to anyone about this?”   
“No…” I just kind of hinted to all that mattered about what had actually happened, apart from my Mom, who called me when she’d seen the papped pictures of Amelia with her black eyes she knew I wouldn’t have hurt her on purpose but she told me I needed to be more careful with her, and make sure she was careful with herself… I know Mom I know… if I could wrap her in cotton wool I would   
“Maybe you should… did you know that V fell out of her sex swing and bruised her coccyx so badly she had to take a week off work? Injuries in the heat of passion happen its part of life, and again you have nothing to feel bad about… Is this why I have enough Vivienne Westwood and All Saints to last me a lifetime? I wondered why the wardrobe lady today had everything I’d liked for the past year hanging up… You’re so silly you know that? I don’t need clothes, or Ray Bans but thank you again for those I love them, but not as much as I love and need you… my husband” She stands on her tip toes and kisses me, just soft lips against mine, I think I’m going to end up with lipstick all over my face here, not that I mind it’s soothing my guilt, washing it away “Please stop feeling guilty, and PLEASE stop being so gentle with me… don’t think I’ve haven’t noticed that you’ll only touch me if I’m on a soft surface…” She kisses me again more heated this time and I let my own hands slide into her hair as she pulls my bottom lip with her teeth, which is guaranteed to get me from huh to take your panties off in about three seconds flat “I’m not on a soft surface now am I?”   
“Amelia…” She’s got her hands in my pants just dancing along the waist band of my briefs making me shudder but before I can move her to a soft surface she’s sinking to her knees in front of me about to make an utter mess of her lipstick. I want to stop her, move her somewhere more com-fortable and I start thinking about all the things around her that could possibly hurt her when she puts those lips to the tip of my dick and I forget all about it. Finally.


	19. Chapter 19

“Do you want to go to the zoo?” Is it even nine am yet, we went out last night, it’s Sunday, I possi-bly have last night’s make up smudged everywhere and I’m being asked if I want to go to the zoo AND I think I slept in the wet patch because the sheet is sticking to my fucking butt, so really what the fuck Jared?   
“It’s Sunday…” I open my eyes properly and he’s standing at the foot of the bed, hair up, only in a pair of briefs scratching his amazingly cute tummy… would you not just like to come back to bed Jared? Sunday funday?   
“I know, Shannon called he’s been up for hours…” Well that’s what comes with having a three month old “And he and Char are taking Harry and my Mom to the zoo, let’s go to the zoo, come on Little Pea, I bet there’s elephants…”   
“ELEPHANTS?”   
“Elephants” I’ll change the sheets later…   
An hour later we are out of the door (cum washed off my body from where I HAD been laying in the wet patch, I need to get stronger and roll him into it… note to self…) and Shannon collects us from outside our apartment building looking fairly debauched but not hungover clutching travel mugs full of coffee hiding behind our sunglasses for a family day out instead of staying in bed where we should have. AND we have to sit in the very back of the Range Rover on the seats but not really seats in the trunk because of all Harry’s equipment and Constance sitting next to her granddaughter in the middle   
“I can tell you’ve been riding around in this and not me Charlotte with the fucking Shakira Shakira CD in here”   
“Shannon don’t curse in front of your daughter”   
“Tell my fiancé and mother of my child to stop listening to Latina pop music in MY car then…”   
“It’s Emmy’s CD” ALL eyes in the car turn to me, it is my CD, I like it, I wanted to learn how to swing from the bars of a cage and do that thing where she lifts her butt the video without moving ANY OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. Jared is chuckling drinking his coffee, he thinks my music taste is dire so he is not surprised by this revelation Char has just burst out with although now I don’t really buy CDs it’s easier to hide my slightly questionable music tastes from people on my iPhone   
“WHAT? Shakira is awesome, her breasts are small and humble too like mine” so you don’t confuse them with mountains Jared   
“Is there a she wolf in your closet Amelia?” he’s still laughing at me and mock howling “Maybe there will be some actual she wolves at the zoo for you to be at one with…” I kick his shin or rather I try to kick his shin but he moves too fucking quick and just puts his hand down and grabs my sneakered foot still laughing.   
“Where did you go last night anyway?” Char does that Mom thing of talking to me slightly cocking her head back from the passenger seat but not turning all the way round   
“Dinner with Emma and Peter…” and there is a whole new Emma, an Emma that is relaxed and has a bit more colour in her cheeks and apparently it’s all down to me she told me as much. Now I’m here she said that she didn’t need to worry about Jared so much, she could be her own person a bit more, but it’s not that I have started doing things for Jared, no, I just kick his really hot butt into doing things himself so neither of us have to do them. She’s happy and now Lord Shit and his band of merry men are back home for the foreseeable she can spread her wings a little bit, take a holi-day, be a girlfriend not just an assistant. And Peter he’s really nice, very down to earth but SO hip, I felt a bit like a fish out of water as normal while I was ushered around some fancy restaurant with all the hipsters and Jared with his bitch I’m fabulous hair swooshing but I really enjoyed myself and actually thought I looked pretty cool on the papped photos. Maybe though I’m just cool by associ-ation “…he’s really nice”   
“Can we go out soon?” Char turns all the way back to look at me   
“Like out out?”   
“Yeah… please…” She has a look of total ‘please take me away from this’ desperation on her face   
“No heads in buckets though” Jared’s not even looked up from his iPhone screen to say that   
“Promise” Char winks at me meaning I’m going to get some kind of bizarre alcoholic mixture poured down my throat to the sound of pounding bass music and flashing lights. I need ear plugs and sun-glasses for some of these places I swear, but I’ll go out out why not?   
Harry sleeps the entire way round the zoo and Jared takes endless photos of her asleep in front of various exotic animals as we make our way round probably to embarrass her with when she’s old-er. I said she was too young however I think it’s more an exercise in just leaving the house for Char and now they have Harry it’s just an excuse to do fun things all over again like the zoo. I can’t wait until she’s older and I get to go to Disney, because Disney makes me happy and Jared won’t take me because he said I’d cry all the way round, which yes I do it’s just really emotional Jared ok? But I still want to go ALL THE TIME maybe I could take Jack when he next visits   
“Are you going to tell me what happened to your face?” Char’s caught up with me as the Leto’s look at the bears laying around in the sun “Because I did it to myself I believe but I know there was something else too…”   
I hadn’t told Char or V, just because I hadn’t seen them, and sometimes with my texts I can get a bit weirded out like what if my phone gets stolen and all my texts end up all over the internet. Jar-ed isn’t even stored in my phone as Jared for that reason he’s in there as ‘Master’ because then if it did get stolen ‘Master’ could be anyone, Shannon and Char are Mummy and Daddy Bear, Con-stance is Mumz II and anyone else who is the public eye has a code name too. I think I’m too para-noid sometimes and probably if my phone did get stolen no one would want to read my waffly old texts anyway “I fell… at a time when neither of us could get our arms out in time to stop me and I face planted on the floor”   
“You mean you fell off his dick don’t you?” Charlotte don’t say dick on a Sunday in a family envi-ronment “Shannon doesn’t know, just knows that Jared kept wailing that he’d hurt you but wouldn’t say how but we got the impression it was via some kind of… fuckery… what happened before you fell off his dick? PLEASE tell me, I need to know about things that don’t involve baby poop, I put on my best pre-pregnancy underwear the other night only to find Shannon asleep on the couch…”   
“Well he got these erm… remote controlled panties…” Char raises her hand to her face and shakes her head “And he erm… spanked me… then… yeah… in the middle of the floor and after I fell, my hands were” I put my hands up around my own head but it looks like I’m making the motion of ant-lers while Char is howling with laughter “But he was SO sad after it happened, I had these huge black eyes and he blamed himself totally, went a bit… quiet and weird on me” I look over to him bouncing a now awake Harry in his arms “He’s ok now though” and I have new Ray Bans and a wardrobe full of clothing and a freaking designer backpack I’d hate to think what he would do if it had been his fault, his guilt was dreadful, I thought… well I don’t know what I thought, he was so quiet and so gentle with me but it really wasn’t his fault we were equally to blame… I’m glad we’re back to him fucking me on non-soft surfaces now it was getting a bit dull…   
“You know I bet if that had happened a few years ago before you he wouldn’t have been arsed, he’d have gotten Emma or Shayla to send some flowers maybe but he wouldn’t have been nearly in tears about it, so there’s yet more proof of how much he loves you… how was the Vogue shoot? Did you strike a pose?” Char uses her arms and does a very good Madonna Vogue pose   
“Yeah it was hard keeping a straight face though, he’s so good at stuff like that and I just laugh so I googled how to do it then I walked around the apartment with books balanced on my head even though that’s really for runway models, I just hope the photos turn out ok… the one of him doing the ironing was awesome” If it doesn’t get used I pray that it doesn’t get lost in the vaults of An-nie’s hard drives never to be seen again   
“What about the TV stuff?”   
“Oh yeah ok, I screen tested for it and it was alright so far… OH and I’ve got an assistant of MY OWN for it, he’s called Michael and Jared has gone a bit weird about it I don’t know” I’d introduced Michael to Jared when he’d come by to pick up some of my research notes from home and Jared had been polite enough but there was some very definite jaw clenching, which I don’t know why because erm Michael is very gay and have I ever complained about Jared’s harem of non-gay fe-males he surrounds himself with? No I have not Jared… AND I’ve never had a gay friend before I mean I’ve known gay people obviously but I’ve never had a… Michael before it’s kinda cool   
“Is he jealous?”   
“I don’t know why because Michael is gay and Jared is home at the moment so it’s not as if… I don’t know why do guys have problems with women and other guys? And then they’ll say it’s not that they don’t trust you they don’t trust the other guy?”   
“Well if he’s gay then…”   
“What are you two gossiping about?” I have arms wrapped around me from behind and a head rested on top of mine making me feel like a midget “My niece apparently doesn’t care for zoos”   
“Should have gone to Disney…”   
“I’m not taking you to Disney you’ll cry all the way round”   
“Now now children let’s not fall out… and still no plans for babies of your own?” I look up to Jared and he looks down at me smiling shaking his head at Char’s question   
“NO” we complain in unison, so glad we’re still on the same page with this, why do people with children or just people generally think that couples that have been together for however long need to have babies to complete them? Can two people not just be two people without the extra person?   
“Awww but a baby Jammy would be SO cute I mean look at Harry…” Shannon and his Mom came over Harry awake and in her Daddy’s arms “She’s so pretty… but I’m bias because I’m her Mommy”   
“This backpack might have been a mistake I feel like I’m hugging a turtle…” Thanks Jared, you bought the dam thing and I know how much it cost so I feel like I should use it every day, my poor satchel fell apart I was so sad, and with him still feeling guilty about the black eye incident before I could even try and stop him there was a Chanel carrier bag with the backpack I’d seen inside it be-ing hurled into my lap as I sat on the couch going over my TV filming schedule. I cut out the inscrip-tion from my satchel though and put it in my memory box, because I went from being girlfriend, to fiancé, to wife in the lifetime of that bag it meant too much to get rid of “And no, no babies, we have a furry baby that’s enough”   
“AND I can’t put baby wipes in Chanel backpack, eeeww” Harry is put in my arms for the first time that day, she really is cute and so fluffy, like Shannon, all fluffy hair and crazy coloured eyes but with Char’s face looking at her yawning in her little bear ear hooded coat I got her I just can’t com-prehend the idea of having one of my own, or our own I guess. Jared’s leant over me tickling her under her chin, she’s not a cat Jared but she burbles at him all the same   
“You sound like you should be in Clueless sometimes I swear to god… Chanel backpack, who has a CHANEL backpack? What is this 1996…Speaking of which I honestly feel like it was 1996 when I last went out without a child, so next weekend? PLEASE”   
I sigh, I could do without a week long hangover with all the TV stuff and I will fly to NYC the week after to film, I can’t believe I’m going and Jared is staying at home, that idea freaks me out because I kind of still feel like I’m leaving him in my apartment, even though it’s ours now, it says so on many important pieces of paper and his stuff is there too not just mine, and OUR stuff now too, I dunno it’s just weird because usually it’s him going not me “Sure… I’ll see if V wants to come out too”   
“If she’s not too busy falling out of her sex swing”   
“Did everyone know about that apart from me?” Jared just… with your beard on my head, and where are the elephants, you promised me elephants, so find me elephants or take me home and let me see your trunk “Right I promised my wife Elephants so… shall we?”   
*******************************************************************************************  
It all happens so quickly and so slowly at the same time which sounds absolutely mental I know but it’s just how it goes. Jared’s fist connecting with his face happens so quickly, but the time it takes him to fall to the floor seems like an eternity. And everything in the lead up to that moment seems like it happened to someone else.   
“Amelia, go inside the apartment please” I turn and move in through the open apartment door but I don’t close it, really I’m just stood behind Jared in total shock “And as for YOU what the fuck? That is my WIFE… is this some kind of new thing? Pretending to be gay so women’s defensives are lowered then you pounce? It’s fucking sick is what it is and you can forget ever working in this town again…”   
“We’ll see what the police have to say about you attacking me without provocation” Michael’s back to his feet rubbing his jaw and moving away from Jared  
“You’re going to call the cops? Go ahead because I’ll be calling them myself to report an attempt-ed sexual assault ON MY WIFE”   
“Whatever… she’s a dumb bitch anyway” I manage to grip Jared’s hand and with all my might pull him back into the apartment, it must be the adrenaline going through me because I manage it in time for the elevators doors to close and Michael to disappear out of sight without Jared landing another punch on him  
“Little Pea…” he’s back in the apartment the door closed behind him and he’s got his hands cup-ping my face bending down slightly to my level “Amelia did he hurt you… look at me please… Amelia?” I can’t get my eyes into focus, what the fuck has just happened? “I’m gonna have to re-port this…”   
“Report what?”   
“Amelia… when a woman says NO anything after that is assault, and I heard you say no and he still tried to touch you… did he hurt you?”   
I can’t feel anything how could I have been so wrong? “I don’t think so…”   
“It’s gonna be ok Little Pea, I want you to come sit on the couch please” He leads me to the couch and sits me down, leaving me sitting staring into space, I register his phone going to his face and him talking to people but I don’t know who. It’s my fault it’s all my fault…   
“It’s my fault”   
“Is it fuck your fault Amelia… just… do you want a drink? Tea? I’ll make you some tea” There’s a cup placed down in front of me and he sits down next to me a few minutes later “Right the police are coming, do you want me to call Char? V? Your Mom?” I shake my head “I’m going to call the super… see who has the tapes from the security camera, if it works… Amelia…” He pulls my line of vision towards his face by putting his finger under my chin “It wasn’t your fault you in no way led him on, ok?” He puts a tiny kiss to my cheek “I’m going to call Shannon too ok? Do you need me to stay with you?” I shake my head again the incident just repeating over and over again in my head   
“He said he was gay”   
“I know sweetheart I know... just sit tight… Shannon? Amelia’s been attacked… physically I think she’s ok, mentally I don’t know… that guy the TV company hired as her assistant… yeah apparently pretending to be gay to get in women’s panties is now a thing… of course I hit him…”   
“I think I’m gonna throw up”   
“Shit Shannon I’m gonna have to go… Hang on…” I make it to the bathroom just in time, head over the bowl heaving “It’s gonna be ok Amelia… try taking some deep breaths” He’s got his hand rub-bing in circular motions across my back and I hear a knock at the door “That’ll be the police, I’m go-ing to go let them in and then I’ll come and get you ok?” I stand back up as he leaves the room looking in the mirror I don’t recognise myself I’m so pale, there’s mascara smeared around my eyes and lipstick all over my face “Right Little Pea, it’s going to be ok, you ready?”   
I let him lead me out of the bathroom where two police officers are waiting for me. I sit back down on the couch and let it all spill out. Everything was fine I was gearing up to go to New York the TV company had brought filming forwards so I’d had to cancel my night out with Char and V. I’d been at the office with Michael for the majority of the day and… well all week really, he was so smart and funny and kind and really good at his job nothing was ever too much for him. Jared had been prickly with him since day one and it had only gotten worse this week when he would pick me up and drop me off. I thought he was just being gentlemanly walking me to my door tonight. I don’t even know what happened one minute he was going over flight times and what meal I wanted serving the next he was trying to stick his tongue down my throat. I pushed him away and said no I was married and I thought he was gay but he just kept coming at me telling me I’d led him on, be-ing so flirty, that I knew I wanted him. He’d pinned me against the apartment door and I kicked him, well kneed him rather right in the balls and with that the door had pulled open behind me and Jared had landed a fist to his face without hesitation. The police ask me if I want to press charges and I say yes without even thinking about it, what if he’s done this before and it went unreported, what if he does it again? They say nothing to Jared about punching him and hopefully the footage of the security cameras in the hallway will cooperate with everything we’ve said so it’s easy to see it was done in defence. The whole thing takes about an hour they’re really thorough asking me if I want referring to counselling do I want to go to the emergency room and get checked out, he didn’t physically hurt me though not that I noticed. They leave just after one am and say they won’t call us now until the morning. Jared had heard me coming down the corridor and when eve-rything had gone suddenly quiet followed by the sound of something pushing against the door (me) he’d got up to see what was going on. He didn’t leave my side throughout with the police, sat with his arm wound tightly round my shoulder and from the corner of my eye I could see his knuck-les swelling slightly. I hope he hasn’t hurt himself for my sake. After showing them out he sits back down on the couch next to me a bag of ice wrapped in a cloth against his knuckles   
“I’m so sorry” I’m still on the couch staring into space I don’t even know what I’m looking at   
“Nothing to be sorry for”   
“You punched him”   
“I would have done a lot more if you hadn’t pulled me back I had no idea you were so strong”   
“Is your hand ok?”   
“I’ll live”   
“I’m so sorry”   
“I don’t know why you’re apologising”   
“You knew…”   
“I didn’t know anything other than I didn’t like him… but I didn’t think he’d try and hurt you”   
“You hit him”   
“Yes I did Amelia… you’re my wife it’s my job to protect you, from anything and anyone that tries to hurt you or scare you or just anything else you don’t like… I’m going to put you to bed now ok?” I slowly nod. I feel in total shock, I’m not sure if it all really happened, but it keeps spinning in my head over and over his face coming towards mine his hands trying to grope me through my jacket… Jared all but carries me into the bedroom and strips me out of my clothes, puts me in a pair of clean pyjamas. I feel like a child, I feel like my brain has shut down my motor skills normally I’d tell him that I could do things myself but tonight I let him move me around almost like a doll, he even takes my make up off for me, wiping away all the tears that had spilt and the lipstick that had been smudged by someone that wasn’t him “I need you to get some sleep, will you take one of your sleeping tablets if I bring you one? There’s still some in the bathroom cabinet”   
“Where’s Beast?”   
“Up in the roof garden I think, I’ve left the window open for him to come back in now… will you take a sleeping pill if I bring you one?”   
“Yes…” I’m sat on top of the comforter in my pyjamas knees brought up to my chest arms wrapped round them   
“Ok just sit tight, do you need anything else?” He brushes my hair out of my face with his fingers lightly tucking it behind my ears “Little Pea?”   
“No thank you” He puts a kiss to the top of my head and then leaves the room, I can hear him mov-ing around in the bathroom, then the kitchen pouring me a glass of juice to take my pill with. Where’s my purse? Where’s my phone I need to call the TV company, I need to call my producer. I spring out of bed, realising I need to do practical things and go hunting for my purse and phone   
“Hey what are you doing?” I make a move for my purse on the couch   
“Need to call people need to do practical things”   
“They can wait… Amelia you’re in shock, you can talk to people tomorrow or I will talk to them for you… come on bed please”   
“BED CAN WAIT JARED” I’ve never raised my voice at him like that, he puts his hands up to try and diffuse the situation slightly I don’t know who was more shocked by that shouting me or him   
“Alright… ok you tell me what to do and we’ll do it now…” I start sobbing, just fall to my knees and these noises that don’t even sound like they’re coming from me echo around the room. He pulls me to my feet and steers me back towards the bedroom “It’s alright Amelia… It’s ok… I promise… I’ll call people as soon as you’ve taken your tablet ok?”   
“Ok” I let him put me in bed much like you would a small child, wiping away my tears with his fin-gers, handing me the tablet and glass of juice to wash it down with. I doubt it’ll work I’m too… wound up… upset… the whole thing playing around in my head again and again… He sits on the bed next to me and I lift my head into his lap letting him run his hands through my hair stroking my ears much like I do to him, I feel my eyes closing, the weird metallic taste in my mouth comes as the tablet starts to work he hums to me, something that sounds like At Last but I could be wrong when his phone rings  
“Shannon? Yeah sorry she threw up… no she’s asleep now with her head on my legs, I’ve given her a sleeping tablet… yeah she is pressing charges the cops were really nice… how am I supposed to let her go to New York now? I… I fucked up Shannon I knew I didn’t like him and I bit my lip and didn’t say anything and she got hurt again and it’s my fault… I keep hurting her, did I wake you up?... Oh god I didn’t wake Harry did I?... What am I going to do?” I hear him let out a hiccup as the tears start to fall down his face thinking I’m asleep, I don’t know what I am… Am I asleep? “No don’t come over… I’ll sleep at some point I just want to make sure she’s ok, why would someone do that? And why did they have to do it to her? … Yeah I’m scared, when I hit him I honestly Shan-non I saw red, just total rage if she hadn’t pulled me back… I’ve never felt the need to protect like I do her but at the same time she needs to be… she is her own person… I don’t know what to do…” I hear Shannon’s voice but I can’t make out what he’s saying, I know Jared is still crying and there’s nothing I can do to stop it, he’s just there stroking my ear, letting his fingers weave through my hair “No I won’t leave her I think I just need something else for peace of mind, can you remember that guy that would come out with us… Yeah Ryan that was his name, I’ll get Emma to call him do you not think it’s a bit… Tom Cruise though only letting my wife go places without me if she has a mind-er?... You’re right she’d never go for it I’d end up divorced or in therapy for Christian Grey tenden-cies, I wonder if they’ll make that a thing, fifty shades of therapy for fucking weirdos and…”   
“Hang up the phone Jared…” my voice feels weird, like it’s not coming from me, like I’m looking at myself “I’m not going anywhere with a babysitter but you can choose my new assistant how about that?”   
“Yeah she’s awake…” I hear him chuckle slightly and sniff in trying to control his tears “I’ll call you tomorrow ok? Night Shan… Little Pea…”   
“Don’t cry Jared…”   
“I failed Amelia, I failed in what I am supposed to do which is protect you”   
“Come down here please come on…” He lifts my head and scoots down the bed, I snuggle up to him for a change, more because it’s the position I’m already in too stoned from sleeping tablets to move than the overwhelming desire to cuddle him “You did a very good job of protecting me, you hit him to protect me and the you’ve spent the past two hours making sure I’m ok, if you weren’t here who would have done that?”   
“What if I’d been away?”   
“And what if I’d been away with him? You can’t ‘what if’ yourself you’ll go crazy, don’t beat your-self up please”   
“But I can help pick your next assistant?”   
“Yes, you can even have the FBI cross reference them across every continent and make them give you a blood oath if it stops you feeling anxious” He scoops me even further into his arms holding me against him, I’m too sleepy to protest about being essentially squished into his rock hard side   
“I’m sorry I’m like this… so protective… it’s because I love you… I just… Amelia if anything ever hap-pened to you”   
“Jared… go to sleep huh? Tomorrow we’ll put plans into action ok? Nothing more can be done to-night, I’m safe… I’m here, you’re here, and you did protect me, you saved me ok?”   
“Ok… night Little Pea, love you”   
“I love you too…” Finally the sleeping tablet pulls me under and my world goes black not ready in any way for the aftermath that will happen when I wake up again 

The next couple of weeks are so difficult. Michael is arrested and it turns out he’d done similar things before, and he’d given the TV company fake ID’s because his REAL surname would have brought up his apparently massive rap sheet and outstanding warrants. The security tapes show exactly what happened in the corridor so no charges are pressed against Jared only Michael. Jared sits me down for the first time ever in front of a Vyrt camera so I can explain what happened and that apparently this is a thing, women, men, everyone needs to looks out for each other and themselves. I answer a few questions while I’m there its cute and not as daunting as I thought be-cause all I can see is myself on the laptop screen not hundreds of people spamming a chat room and Emma hands me questions she’ll let me answer on pieces of paper. I talk for about an hour, just sat on the couch in my pyjamas in the apartment Beast comes and sits on my knee and purrs loudly for all to hear (and that’s how you make a gif) Jared padding around making sure I’m ok, we try and sing a song together, him on his guitar and me waving a tambourine but it just dissolves into a fit of the giggles so we give up and sign off.   
The main reason for doing it was the whole thing got to the press pretty fucking fast. Michael was papped with a very obvious bruised face leaving after he’d tried it on with me and Jared hit him, then the paps got the police turning up so everyone of course assumed Jared had just punched him without provocation and the cops had turned up to arrest him which was a million miles from the truth so I wanted to put the record straight, and thank everyone for being so lovely, the cops especially and people again needed to know. I just couldn’t understand how someone could be so desperate for interaction that they pretended to be someone they weren’t. I tried not to take it into myself, tried not to take it personally that I could have been anyone but it’s hard. And I still felt as if it was my fault that I’d led him on despite what everyone else says.   
The TV company were amazing, and quite scared I think of being sued by Jared and his big daunt-ing legal team over failing to do a proper background check on Michael that they let him do what he wanted (with my permission) and I now have a very lovely, very efficient version of my own Emma called Steph. Jared debated just passing Emma to me for the time being but I pointed out that he needed her and besides she likes being her own person too much at the moment to take care of me. Filming and everything is set back for a week while I recover from the shock of what hap-pened, at first I protest that I’d rather be at work rather be busy but I soon realise that would have been a mistake as the bruises appear round my wrist where he’d grabbed me. Bruises on my wrists are nothing new no but these were there without my permission without them being done through something amazing that Jared would have done to me. We’re both shaken right down to our cores, him because he felt he hadn’t protected me well enough and had another moment of realisation of just what lengths he could go to for me and me because I just… am I that blind that I put myself in danger? I don’t have to face him again, which is good because if I did then Jared would have been there too and I think then he really would have gotten arrested for assault. As would Shannon AND Char and my brother and Dad AND all the other protective people in my life of which there’s a lot these days it would seem.  
V and Char take a very practical approach to the whole thing and we start taking a self-defence class where in the first lesson it’s pointed out that kneeing someone in the balls is as good a de-fence as any but Jared is happier that I’m making an effort to learn how to take care of myself be-cause as much as he tries he really can’t be glued to me twenty four seven I really am my own per-son, not his. Our physical relationship suffers because every time he tries to kiss me all I see is Mi-chael coming towards me and I freak out but we work through it, he’s so patient with me, and gen-tle, there’s no sneaking up on me and picking me up, he tells me he’s going to touch me before he does so I don’t try and break his arm. I feel as if my whole world is broken because of one person, who was so insignificant and so minor it and only in my life for less than a month that it shouldn’t matter at all. But it does, it really does.   
I almost cancel the entire TV thing and tell them to find someone else to present, but then he would have won wouldn’t he? So I move on with it and work does help, I’m so far back up to my eyes in everything for that I’m able to stop thinking about what happened a little bit. All too soon it’s my turn to go, New York for a week with no Jared, this is very new, me leaving him, he wanted to come of course but I wouldn’t let him, I don’t need him glued to my side and I don’t demand that I go on tour with him so he drives me to the airport along with Steph who has a phone that is only for Jared to call, it’s like the emergency cell phone from 1999 all over again, it’s only for her to ring him and him to ring her if he can’t get hold of me and if there’s a problem which I doubt there will be because as well as being absolutely brilliant at her job Steph is a qualified first nurse AND knows Kung Fu proper awesome flying through the air House of Daggers Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon Kung Fu…. She very politely excuses herself to go and get us some coffees so me and Jared can say our goodbyes alone  
“You’ve got your cell and your charger right? And your ipad? And your sleeping tablets? And you already took your Valium?”   
“Yes Jared”   
“I’m sorry I’m being a worried mother hen here aren’t I? I’m just scared is all… and YOU are braver than I give you credit for because you’re only going for a week and this is pulling me to pieces I don’t know how you have said goodbye to me for months at a time without falling to the floor”   
I did Jared you had just already gone so you weren’t there to see it “Meh you know…”   
“Don’t you meh you know at me wife… right come here and hug me please” I’m pulled forcefully into his arms, into a strong embrace, him smooshing my head against his chest, and we’re right back to where we started when he used to do this to me when we were dating, just squashing my face so I looked like popeye. I better not be getting papped right now my sunglasses are half way up my forehead “I’ll miss you so much”   
“I’m only going for a week Jared”   
“I know I know it’s just after we spend any long length of time together and then I go it’s just weird I get so used to you being next to me all the time doing all your Amelia things and then they’re gone, if I could put you in my pocket I would”   
“Then you’d be married to Thumbelina not me”   
“Yeah… fairies don’t know how to treat my dick so…” Don’t say dick in the middle of an airport Jar-ed “Right… Ok off you go… nope hang on…” I’m squashed closer to him, almost so my feet are lift-ing off the floor and he kisses me just ridiculously hard taking my breath away, I’ll get on the plane looking like a love sick teenager now so thanks for that “Bye wife”   
“Bye husband” I’m finally relinquished from his arms so I can go and get on a plane   
“Steph you’re in charge I can be in New York in a matter of hours if anything goes wrong” Steph looks up from her phone, she’s like a pack horse balancing coffees and phones and all her carry on stuff, she doesn’t respond just nods I’d be rolling my eyes at him but that’s not gonna get us any-where   
“Bye Boo… I mean Baby… I mean sweetheart… I mean yeah… bye Amelia” He did all that to wind me up I hate being called any of those things, sweetheart is ok, but only every now and then   
I pull a face “Bye bye bae”   
“Emmy are you ready we need to get to the gate”   
“Sure… Jared go home, write an album take care of the cat, spend some time with your Mom and don’t go into my drawers” and look at my underwear when I’m not there… weirdo beardo   
“Yes wife…” I walk away from him and expect him to be gone but of course he isn’t and I turn around just before I get through the metal detectors to see him still there waving so I make shoo-ing motions with my hands and finally he vanishes into the crowd.   
The week goes so quick my feet barely touch the floor… The first twenty four hours are a night-mare with Jared though and if I don’t respond to his communications within five minutes he’s call-ing Steph on the emergency phone only to have her tell him I’m currently stood in front of a cam-era waving my arms around at a painting behind me. We shoot a lot of the stuff at night after the museum is closed to the public which is really cool and really kinda creepy so I make Steph come to the bathroom with me in case I get ghosted by the spirit of Picasso or something. I don’t really get chance to miss Jared all that much… I’m lying of course I miss him like crazy… There’s a little gaggle of Echelon everywhere I seem to go, hoping I think that he was with me, but they don’t look too sad when I explain he’s at home working on a new album. I end up taking two of them for a coffee with Steph because it’s freezing in New York and they’d been standing outside the Guggenheim waiting to talk to ME about their art research they want to do. I inspire people… I tell Jared as much and he just says I inspire his dick to be hard and how he’s been jerking off in the shower thinking about me… Can you not keep it in your pants Leto?   
Michael’s face becomes a distant memory as the week rolls on and when I close my eyes and think about being kissed its back to Jared again, just my lovely husband not horrible pretending to be gay men. I’ll be glad to get home and hurl him around the apartment in the name of fucking. This has been our first hurdle in married life and we’ve got over it. Ok so Jared had to throw me over it but he fell too, I was pulling him towards the finish line. I don’t know what he’s been up to while I’ve been away, I wonder if he’s actually written any songs, or just sat about scratching his balls and leaving a mess everywhere he goes maybe he’s writing songs ABOUT scratching his balls in the style of Blink 182, I could see the Echelon imploding over that one, but more about him talking about his balls than the total change in musical styling.   
We wrap everything half a day early meaning I go home early, I tell him I’m coming because I don’t want him freaking out and bothering Steph when he can’t get hold of me because we’ll be in the air. I tell him he doesn’t need to pick me up I’ll get a cab but he’s there at the barrier in arrivals as I lug my case through Steph trailing behind me with all the shopping bags I seem to have come home with. I probably look hilarious right now, because LA never really gets truly cold I don’t really have a winter coat, I have this kind of water proof Bear Grills type affair that I took to Norway but this time Jared packed me off with his black fluffy puffy parka, which is three sizes too big and comes past my knees so I probably look like I’m returning from the Arctic circle on a scientific ex-pedition to study penguins, which would be great because I love penguins and I think I might kind of look like one right now. I only agreed to take it because it’s cold in New York, no I didn’t I agreed to take it because I wanted something with me that was his, that smelt like him that felt like him…   
“Amelia…” He puts a small kiss to my cheek, trying to keep the smile from spreading across his face at me being back, he even kisses Steph’s cheek too, probably relieved that’s she’s managed to keep me out of trouble for the week and has been kind of at his beck and call more than mine. We drop Steph off first, I don’t know if I’ll see her again until it’s time to shoot the next segment in Chi-cago, note to self send assistant flowers for being an utterly good sport to my scatter brain self.   
“I’m so glad to be home” I hurl myself down on the couch noticing the apartment is maybe cleaner than when I left, which means he probably made a huge mess, cleaned it up but cleaned up too much  
“And I’m glad you’re home… now where’s my present?” He sits down next to me on the couch, but rather than giving him the really cheesy I HEART NEW YORK shirt that I got for him I swing my-self into his lap straddling him, kissing him deeply, running my hands through his hair “I like this present…”   
“Shut up and take your pants off…”   
“Yes ma’am”   
*******************************************************************************************  
I don’t know HOW I get myself into these things. He’s only got to look at me sideways and I’m on my knees submitting into whatever he wants to do to me. And I KNEW these restraints on the bed were a bad idea, sometimes I kind of forget they’re there when we’re just sat watching TV or whatever in here but then I’ll remember or he’ll remember all the effort of tying the dam things around the bottom of the bed (which isn’t light by any means) and it’s always ME that gets tied into them. One day I’m gonna tie him into them and just fuck off and see how he likes it. I don’t even know how long I’ve been strapped into the dam things, hours? Days? No that’s maybe a bit over dramatic probably more like half an hour I can’t see the time, in fact I can’t see fuck all be-cause he’s got me blindfolded too.   
Bound up and blindfolded and I don’t think he’s even in the room he’s just pissed off to do some-thing else leaving me tied up and frustrated in total darkness “Jared?”   
“Amelia?” That was a lot closer than I expected it to be he must be in the room still, what the fuck is he doing? Probably just on his iPad Tumblin away reading fanfic while I’m here all tied up and una-ble to see   
“What are you doing?”   
“Enjoying the view… you know the way your body moves it’s really quite exquisite the slight shift of your hips, the way your rib cage arches when you sigh… why are you sighing?” I don’t hear him but very suddenly I feel him brush past my foot “Are you… frustrated?” his hand is in my hair before I know what’s going on dragging my head backwards “…whore”   
“No I’m fine thanks in fact I might take a nap…”   
“Tut tut tut whore… that’s no way to talk to your master…” my hair pulls again my neck pushing forwards “… is it?”   
“No Jared…”   
“You’ll make your lip bleed if you bite it any harder” His fingers brush across my lips, his thumb pushing into the space behind my bottom lip “I will gag you Amelia… don’t think I won’t… but then if I did that… I couldn’t get my dick in your mouth and I know you like that” I let my tongue wrap around his thumb and I hear his breathing deepen just slightly as my lips enclose round it him draw-ing it out slowly with a loud pop as he does. The heat of his body moves away from mine but I can’t hear him, he’s so light on his feet especially if they’re bare… His teeth sink into the side of my body just above my hip it doesn’t hurt far from it, I’m so glad he’s a biter, and that he likes being bitten… by me. I moan at the contact and he just does that throaty chuckle when something’s pleased him he blows on the spot he’s just bitten and I try and move try and make him touch me again but he’s gone again and this time I do hear him, I hear him sitting down on the stool opposite the vanity. I wish I knew if he was dressed or not because I’m imagining him sitting naked on the stool, half hard dick between his legs… urgh… what’s he looking at? My boobs falling into my arm pits proba-bly “Do you like being tied up?”   
“Yes Jared…”   
“Do you like being fucked tied up?”   
“Yes Jared…” I’m bucking my hips up, there’s probably some theory about animals and presenting or whatever but right now I just need to push certain parts of me forward to make him pay atten-tion to them because I need him to touch them oh so badly right now… I feel the bed dip at the end, then his weight shift above me, it feels like he’s on his hands and knees on top of me   
“You know if you didn’t wriggle so much… moving your hips against me I wouldn’t need to tie you up to stop you from doing it but as it is…” he puts the smallest of kisses to my lips, so sweet, so gen-tle “Remember your safe word Amelia” I nod in response and he starts biting me, all over the up-per part of my body just sinking his teeth into my breasts his hand firmly around each one as he pays attention to them individually. I manage to let out a strangled sounding moan as he moves down my body just grazing his teeth downwards “You are such a filthy little whore… aren’t you?”   
“Yes Jared…” His mouth meets my core and I pull against my restraints   
“Maybe I didn’t do those up tight enough… stay still whore…”   
“Yes Jared” I do my best to remain solid, like a dead weight in the middle of the bed as his tongue sets to work breaking me but it’s so hard and when the pressure, the sensitivity gets too much I’m trying to turn my hips to the side, trying to break the contact or I’m going to cum   
“Desperate little slut” did he just call me a slut? You shit head… I love it… because I am totally and utterly a slut for my husband. This what’s going on right here is everything beyond my wildest Jar-ed Leto dreams, I still have to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming and that he really is here (even if I can’t see him right now). He pushes two fingers inside me and I pull again not to break free but to try and pull myself away from him I want this to last “I said… STAY STILL” he takes his fingers away from me and uses both hands to pin my hips to the bed putting his tongue back to my core. Am I supposed to be quiet, he never said anything about being quiet did he?   
“Oh holy fuck…” he uses his tongue to bring me to the brink, right to the edge of orgasm, like I’m stood at the top of waterslide ready to go down but then he stops, like turning off a tap and moves away from me, the heat of his body near mine gone once again “Jared?”   
“Yes Amelia?”   
“What are you doing?”   
“Torturing you… did you need me to do something else?” His hangs grasp around my ankles finger-tips pushing hard into the flesh before running his fingers up the insides of my legs. How does he do this? His control is second to none, I’m fit to burst all I want is for him to get on top of me and nail me into the comforter until I don’t know my name anymore and he’s there just holding him-self back, prolonging things, torturing me and getting off on it   
“No Jared”   
“Good because I am enjoying myself far too much to stop” I hear it before I feel it, the vibrations of my toy, but there’s no teasing there’s no slowly and softly, it’s thrust inside me in one swift movement and I feel like all the air has been knocked out of my lungs. He works me with it like he did his tongue gets me to the point of wanting to explode, and its close, so close to my g spot the vibrations spreading out across my core my toes curling my back arching and then it’s gone, just gone, dammit Jared, if I wasn’t tied up I would kick you in your massive balls “I almost wish you were on your front so I could spank you…” oh god, flip me over, flip me over, please… “Maybe next time…”   
And with that he’s on me finally between my legs, finally on top me, finally inside me “Jared…”   
“Yes whore?” His hand his back in my hair pulling my head back biting my neck, hips moving so quickly it probably looks like a blur of movement as I moan and sweat and tremble underneath him   
“Oh fuck me” he begins to grind himself into me as opposed to thrust, just grinding his entire body against me, friction building, sparks flying everywhere, I’m so close again when he changes posi-tion and I tug against the restraints to try and get my hands on him and pin him in place but they’re tied so tight all I feel is my skin nearly slicing open from them burning in the sweetest way   
“You really are desperate today aren’t you whore?”   
“Yes Jared…” He brings a hand up lacing it around my throat and using it to bring my lips to his… His kisses are a total weakness, whether he’s kissing me like he loves me, like I’m his wife or like I’m his whore, his slut the connection it makes me feel with him is the same. He starts moaning into my mouth. Oh fuck me, Jared Leto you are… I’m… Oh god “Oh god… Jared…”   
“Mmmm? What’s wrong? Can’t hold it anymore?” I don’t think I can, I am standing on top of a wa-terfall and someone is going to push me off the cliff top into the pool below… I feel him swelling more inside me as he starts to lose himself   
“N…nn…no” I am shaking the need has grown so much and his grinding returns   
“If I let you cum you have to be a good girl and do exactly as I say ok?” What the fuck is he going to do now?   
“Yes Jared” He doesn’t use words to respond but moves in such a way that I don’t even get to think about my orgasm approaching its just there I yank so hard against my restraints I’m sure I feel and hear something tear but my moans soon drown it out as my body trembles, my knees and in-ner thighs especially I can feel them for want of a better word wobbling against him  
“Open your mouth and put out your tongue” Oh god is he going to… oh yes he is, he pulls himself away from me and I feel his knees move into my armpits so he’s straddling my chest a hand to the back of my neck pulling my head forward and the other around his dick. I feel and taste it against my tongue and just that first contact has him moaning. I can hear the sound of his palm against himself. God I wish I could see this… I drag my tongue against as much of it as I can reach “That’s it… use that pretty little mouth of yours” I try and close my mouth around his tip but his hand is moving too fast so I just move my tongue against him as much as I can, he’s getting close (and I am glad I’m wearing the blindfold because flushing cum out of your eyes is not the best way to spend an evening) he makes this noise directly before he cums, it’s almost like a mewl and a hiccup as his body begins to tense and then I feel it, the cum flooding across my tongue and down my chin as he calls me a whore one last time and slumps backwards for a moment before he’s gone the heat of his body gone away from me and I hear the clicking sound of the camera on his cell phone   
“JARED!”   
“AMELIA!... sorry you know I love photos of you covered in my cum, and right now it’s spectacu-lar… I’ll untie you now I guess…” My feet are released first and they slide up the bed my knees bend, my muscles twitching slightly before he reaches my hands and pulls them loose. I go to pull away the blindfold but his hands get to the tie before mine and my vision is returned with the sight of him leaning over me smiling “Hey there you are Little Pea… you’ve got cum on your chin I’m sor-ry” he wipes my chin with his fingers and I manage to grip his wrist bringing his fingers to my lips and lick it off, I’ll brush my teeth in a minute… “Dirty… whore…”   
“Only for you Jared… only for you…” I pull my body out from underneath him and stand up on real-ly shaky legs “Shall we shower?”   
It’s a beautiful part of our relationship that he showers with me on occasion, and it’s not that I want to wash him away from my skin because he’s made me feel dirty far from it, it’s just I need a closeness after I give myself to him like that and this is how I get it… and I bet there’s cum in my hair, there’s always cum in my hair, one day I’ll get cum in his hair and see how he likes it… admit-tedly I’m unsure of HOW I will achieve this but godammit I will. We wrap round each other under the spray the hot water stinging the slight friction burns I’ve been left with from my restraints, I wash my hair and his meaning we both smell like apple shampoo and I get the Blink 182 song stuck in my head for the next hour.   
He cooks while I sit on the couch swaddled in my massive dressing gown, just looking over at him, my husband swanning around the kitchen in his briefs and apron “Do you want juice or tea?”   
“Juice please” He starts laying that table, which please me so much that he doesn’t mind eating at the table as eating on the couch off trays drives me crazy it’s so slobby to do all the time, once eve-ry so often fine…   
“Right come on then m’lady” I sit down at the table as he places a plate of fake chicken and salad wraps with curly fries down in front of me, he knows my weakness for curly fries, what’s he up to? “What? Oh… can’t a guy make his wife curly fries without her getting suspicious?” No Jared they can’t… he leans over and cups his hand to my cheek “You really are good to me… Little Pea… you give yourself to me so completely and without question that I just like to show you I appreciate it, so curly fries… come on don’t let them get cold I know you like them when they burn the inside of your mouth off”   
“I love you…” he lets go of my face and picks up his chicken wrap, lifting it to his mouth   
“And I love you… slut”


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

My wife has left me for my sister in law. I’m calling the Jerry Springer show. Ok that’s a bit over dramatic but she’s not here and neither is Char, they’ve fucked off to Chicago so Amelia can film the next segment of her TV show, although I’m pretty sure they’re just going to re-enact Ferris Bueller’s Day Off standing in front of that painting, what’s it called? She told me what it was called… something about an afternoon and pointing. No I think that’s wrong. ANYWAY she’s still not here and neither is Char leaving Shannon in charge of a small baby and me totally lost without my wife.   
I’m not worried about her anymore, not with Char AND Steph with her (V didn’t want to go, I THINK something is going on there but I don’t know what). She’s bounced back so quick from her attack, maybe a little too quickly, I keep expecting her to breakdown or something but nothing just drew a line under it and moved on. It was terrifying I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry. I heard them coming down the corridor, I was only paying attention to people outside because I was wait-ing to see if the old dear who lives downstairs was coming to complain about the cat crapping eve-rywhere on the roof garden, AGAIN, when I heard Amelia then the sound of something thudding against the door. I thought maybe she’d just fallen into it, wouldn’t be the first time but then I heard her shout NO and something took over carrying me at the speed of light towards the door, I saw him lunge at her through the peep hole and I yanked the door open so hard I’m surprised it stayed on its hinges. I didn’t even register my fist meeting his face until he was on the floor (I had no idea Amelia had kneed him in the balls before I’d opened the door). I was so angry I was shak-ing, actually trembling, I scared myself and I was scared she was hurt. And I SWEAR if I ever see anyone touch her like that again I will just end them, never mind a slightly off aim punch to the jaw. She is MY WIFE, you don’t fuck with her you don’t hurt her or upset her touch her even look at her or do ANYTHING else without her permission.   
The shock she went into immediately after was worse though, just a shell, and I kept thinking about what V told me when Amelia was in the hospital recovering from her ED that she was just a shell then, collapsed in on herself and I was petrified of it happening again, right in front of my eyes. She cried, then shouted and she’s NEVER raised her voice at me like that before, I could see it though I saw the anger, the red mist across her face, I didn’t think she had it in her usually she’s so placid she’s horizontal but she really flipped. Then she cried again and I knew she was in a state because she let ME undress her and put her to bed, usually if I try and do things like that (if she’s sick or tired) she won’t let me, will tell me she can do it herself but that night she let me move her around like she was doll, her face totally blank, unreadable, staring into space. Shannon was his usual soothing self, calming me back down, I just cried, I didn’t know what else to do, I’d never experienced that emotion before, sometimes I don’t realise just how much I do love her, or realise I would literally lay down my life for her, that alone is terrifying.  
The weeks after were hard, so hard, I thought I’d lost her physically I tried to touch her a couple of times only to have her flinch away and it broke my heart. I wasn’t her fault, it was his, that whatev-er he was. And I felt guilty again guilty that I didn’t voice my opinion on him maybe I could have prevented it… We got back up again though, pulled each other through, over the hurdles and eve-rything got back to normal. I was SO grateful for her sitting down and doing a web chat because rumours and photographs got out so quick, literally we woke up to Perez saying I had anger issues because obviously I’d hit her (when she’s fallen off my dick) and THEN I’d hit Michael because the cops had been called which couldn’t have been further from the truth. They (the Echelon) love Amelia so much, they give her the respect she deserves they know she’s the queen of my world and nothing vaguely negative happened, even when we tried to sing together, my wife is beautiful and intelligent but has no rhythm or ability to sing, probably why I sing and she paints. She got her point across though and I HOPE that no one else ever has to go through that, they take care of each other that is one of the reasons they’re the best family in the world.   
She’s got Steph now, Steph who is hella scary and will protect her when I’m not there as well as being her assistant. I was so pleased Amelia relinquished that control to me so I could chose her next assistant, with her help of course and we found Steph pretty quickly through some business contacts of mine. I know Amelia HATES the phone that she has that’s just for me to call, thinks I’m being overly dramatic but if something happened to my Little Pea my world… it would… it would just end…   
She’s only been gone for TWO days and I am BORED out of my brain, what did I do before Amelia? Go out and fuck around… I suppose I could go out, but I wanna take Shannon and Shannon is prob-ably up to his eyes in Harry and not having Char there. I went to the Lab yesterday and Jamie was there working away on some stuff I’d written looking like his world was falling apart but didn’t say anything about it to me. I won’t pry but I hope he knows he can talk to me if something’s bugging him. I even tried to sleep at the Lab figuring it was just so late to drive home and fell into my old room, my old bed and it was like an alien world. I couldn’t sleep AT ALL. I sleep in hotel rooms all the time I know but I’m just… I don’t LIVE there anymore do I? I live in the apartment so I gave up and went home where I was asleep in minutes even without her next to me. I’ve even done all my paperwork, I don’t need Emma or Shayla at the moment and Emma has gone all weird on me, all googly eyes at her boyfriend and stopped kicking my butt, now Amelia does it instead and she’s not here so there’s no one to make me do stuff I keep putting off. I feel like an abandoned child.   
I took Tomo (finally) to one of Amelia’s Dad’s lectures on mythology and it was AWESOME and re-ally scary how much Amelia is like him in her mannerisms the way they both wave their arms around when they talk about things they care deeply about. I thought I’d got away with it just sneaking into the back but then it seemed half of UCLA knew I was there by the time it ended. It was cool though, and I got to take Andrew for lunch, I never know how to treat him like a friend? Like a Dad? Somewhere in the middle? I think we do alright the conversation is easy and free flow-ing and there’s no friction between us I don’t doubt that he would reign fire and brimstone down on me if I broke his little girl’s heart though, and that is something I will never do Andrew so you don’t need to worry about that. I expected him to be maybe a little upset with me over the whole Michael thing but he said she’s a grown woman and wouldn’t have listened to me if I’d intervened earlier, but he was glad I was there to take care of her after. Me too… me too.  
I’m gonna go see Shannon, I’m so bored, shall I take the cat? No I don’t know where he is… proba-bly in the roof garden, I don’t blame him it’s lush up there, such a sun trap and the city sprawling out on the horizon, I’ve done a lot of writing up there. I wonder if me and my wife could lock the door for a while and erm… have some outdoor fun up there under the stars that’d be nice, we could go camping up there NOW that’s an idea! I can get a tent we could have fake smores and sit and watch the stars and city lights with blankets and cocoa and fucking, perfect.  
I get to Shannon’s and it’s like the end of the world is happening in there. His usually very neat house is a war zone of toys and baby grows and milk formula powder split all over the place. Harry is just in her little play pen thing burbling away laid on her back kicking her feet in the air while he runs around trying to clean up.   
“What the fuck happened in here?”   
“My daughter happened in here, my daughter minus my wife to be, I am failing as a father” He’s not, far from it, but I feel like I fail as a husband sometimes so I know what he means “Sit down if you can find somewhere that’s not covered in toys but maybe not on the couch because she peed on it, I forgot to put the changing mat down… sorry”   
I take a seat on the floor and pull Harry out of her pen letting her lay on my legs, just stretch out on her back she’s always so warm and fluffy and her eyes are dauntingly like Shannon’s it’s crazy, the rest of her is all Char though “You’re not failing as a father…”   
“Huh?” He sticks his head round the door frame from the hall closet where he’d been trying to wrestle a buggy in there   
“I said you’re not failing…” he comes and sits on the floor with me and I put Harry on the floor on her activity mat between us, I like it, it makes noises and it’s shiny and crinkly, maybe I could use that crinkly sound on the album somewhere I really want to record Harry’s babble somewhere too and the cat purr and the sound of Amelia smacking her lips as she falls asleep, how times have changed from monks chanting and soldiers singing “You’re really not failing… I mean look at her… she’s fine”   
“She’s a pain in the ass, I don’t know how Char does it by herself I fell asleep at seven pm last night while Charlotte was out at Pete Wentz’s club swinging round poles shouting wooo Chi Town… see this is what happens when the girl who lived in Chicago went back to visit with her sidekick in tow and all expenses paid by the TV company”   
“Amelia is the sidekick?”   
“Definitely more because of the height than anything else…”   
“I guess you’re right… have you seen Jamie? Kid looks like his world’s ending or something…”   
“Yeah Char said something about babies and fertility clinics I don’t know, has Emmy not said any-thing? Mind you she’s been up to her eyes in all sorts of other stuff hasn’t she? Maybe she doesn’t know, or just didn’t think it appropriate to tell you about something to do with Jamie, Char only said because she just forgets she’s talking to me sometimes I think and blurts stuff out never tell her a secret”   
“And I guess it’s hard for Amelia, having NO desire to have babies herself she fails to understand WHY people want them so bad but will want to support her friend hmmm…”   
“Does it not bother you?”   
“Babies? No… I mean they’re cute and look at Harry she’s beautiful but I just… I just want my wife and me and the cat… Babies are for other people”   
“What if Emmy changes her mind?” Well if she does I’ll give her what she wants, I’d put out the sun if she said it was too bright   
“We’ll have a baby…” I shrug and look down at Harry I suppose it wouldn’t be that bad having a small person of our own   
“You are so under the thumb” Am I? I’m certainly not in the bedroom… Yet I would give her any-thing she wanted, do anything she wanted me to do is that under the thumb? It seems like such an old fashioned term which we are not in any way, for example I’m here and I did the washing and she’s out at work   
“I am not I am just dedicated to my wife” that’s the better way to describe it, dedication, yes much better   
“Ooooo my WIFE god I NEVER thought I’d hear you say that” He’s laughing at me, shit head   
“And I never thought we’d be sat with a child of yours between us”   
“Or you’d have an OSCAR in the kitchen at the lab”   
“I tried sleeping there the other night not in the kitchen obviously back in my old room, it just got so late I figured I’d stay there and it felt like an alien world”   
“It’s not your home anymore that’s why… wanna get some pizza?”   
“Fuck yes…”   
“Don’t cuss in front of the baby…”   
Three days and a sleepless night down to a noisy baby missing her Mommy (I decided to stay at Shannon’s) later and my wife was home, thank the lord my wife is home, and full of tales of drunken debauchery and throwing up over the railing of a pier while filming. And yes they re-enacted the painting scene from Ferris Bueller as I expected, and no I still don’t know what the painting is called… All I care about is she’s back on the couch next to me, back listening to the new songs I’ve been working on, smiling sweetly and nodding her head, her red hair swooshing around her face as she does, the cat sitting on her knee as she sips her tea. I sleep soundly through the night once again with my limbs slung over her my head buried into the side of her neck, her fingers running the outside of my ears. I am complete, until next time…


	21. Chapter 21

My husband took me on vacation on the roof, I’ll let that sink in and say it again MY HUSBAND TOOK ME ON VACATION ON THE ROOF OF OUR APARTMENT BUILDING. I came home from Chi Town with the wolrd’s WORST hangover from rampaging around Pete Wentz’s club shouting ‘This Ain’t a Scene it a GODDAM DUCK RACE’ with Char like the drunken tits we are to a best friend who’s up to her eyes in fertility clinics and IVF and crying because she doesn’t know if it’s him or her and Jared decides we need a holiday ON THE ROOF.   
I’d actually been to my studio for the day working on a commission and came home to find a note from him on the apartment door saying to meet him up there… he was there with blankets and a couple of lawn chairs, a disposable barbeque, loads of food, drinks and waiting for me with open arms. I locked the door behind me and we had the best time. Admittedly we didn’t end up sleep-ing up there because it rained, but we did all kinds of OTHER things up there, things that I’ll never forget, and its good job there were no news choppers over head or they’d have got a perfect shot of Jared’s ass and my legs around it on the lawn chair for the nine o’clock news (the blankets kept slipping off and in end I didn’t care). God bless the old dear who started the whole roof garden thing in the first place. I should send her some flowers, or just donate a load of money to the fund so she can buy as many plants and water features as she wants for me and Jared to go and fuck amongst.   
And then there’s V, and fucking shit it, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do about that. I fail in this because I don’t want babies never felt the need to have another life to complete me but she needs it, and it’s not happening. She’s got appointments all over the place and is spending thou-sands of dollars on something that might not work. She confesses that they no longer have sex for fun anymore, only to try and make a baby so it’s all about timings and temperatures and fucking I don’t even know. I think if she just chilled the fuck out and calmed down, stopped putting all the pressure on stopped with all the hormones and tantric chanting or whatever other bullshit she’s gotten herself into for the sake of getting knocked up mother-nature might just take its course.   
Jared’s gotten into the full swing of album things and actually left the apartment he’s at the Lab most days and finally we have some kind of routine like normal people, we go out to work, we come home, we eat together, we watch TV we talk, I sit and wear my crown while he calls me Your Majesty and gets on his knees as I sit with my legs open on the couch. Married life is bliss, just ab-solute look at my husband’s furry beard snuggly bliss.   
“Amelia…” He sings at me as he comes into the apartment, it’s late I was going to give up and go to bed, but I like to stay up and wait for him   
“Jared…” I sing back as he plonks himself down next to me on the couch kissing me quickly on the lips “Good day?”   
“Productive… have you talked to V?”   
“Should I have?”   
“I think she might need your support…” I know Jared I know I just don’t know how to give it to her when I don’t understand or see the need for what she’s putting her and her husband through   
“Have you seen Jamie?”   
“Yeah poor kid… He’s torn to pieces over it he just wants to make her happy, but at the same time doesn’t see why they can’t just adopt… what would you do if I decided I wanted to have a baby?”   
Just fucking jump straight in there Jared “I’d think you’d taken a sharp blow to the head… and be-sides if we did decide that was what WE wanted there’s nothing to say we wouldn’t experience the same problems at the ages we are, having a baby isn’t that simple”   
“And there you go, talk to V tomorrow huh?” He wraps his arm around me and puts a kiss to my forehead “but tonight I want to go to bed and just let my limbs tangle through yours, I feel so tired”   
“It’s because you’ve actually stopped… well for you anyway… come on then I’ll even let you squeeze my boobs if you’re lucky” He stands up and pulls me to my feet with him leading me to-wards the bedroom, and he really does squeeze my boobs, while making comedy honking noises and falling asleep, my husband ever the romantic.   
RIGHT deal with V, should I have Char, no see because Char has Harry and although we both adore Char despite her being in our lives for a relatively short period of time I think this needs to be just me and her. Public or private setting, private, no one wants to weep in public. I text her as Jared leaves in the morning and I cancel everything I have to do for the day, she invites me to her house I assume Jamie has gone to the Lab. I get there we exchange pleasantries about married life and album recording, work… She makes me tea and I sit at the kitchen table and take a deep breath in  
“What the fuck Veronica?”   
“Don’t…” she puffs out her cheeks and closes her eyes   
“You are pulling your marriage apart for the sake of having a child”   
“You don’t understand you don’t want one like I do” her hands are flat on the table, knuckles white  
“No but I can see you’ve gotten to the point where it’s consumed you, you can’t see the wood from the trees anymore”   
“I need it”   
“Why”   
“To complete us”   
“And why does a baby have to do that”   
“Don’t you dare tell me to get a fucking puppy” her arms come up to cradle her head, rubbing her hands down her face frustrated and teary   
“I didn’t mean an animal Veronica… I mean what about all the babies and children out there that had parents that for whatever reason didn’t want them? What about surrogacy? Just because you can’t seem to carry a baby doesn’t mean you can’t ever be a Mummy, but right now… right now, you need to step off you’re pulling yourself apart you’re pulling Jamie apart, you’re so absorbed in it I bet you don’t even think of Jamie as your husband anymore do you? Just a fucking walking sperm machine”   
“Fuck you” she looks straight at me pointing her finger I’m not going to back down here until I make her see some kind of sense   
“I’m right aren’t I?”   
“Why isn’t it happening, fucking Char got pregnant without even trying, I’ve tried everything, and it’s not working” the tears start really falling down her face and I do the best I can to swallow mine back and stay strong for her   
“Give yourself a break please, you’re breaking my heart, I can’t watch you put yourself through this anymore… just take a month or two, take a holiday, take some breathing space, remember why you loved Jamie in the first place, remember why you married Jamie in the first place, it wasn’t for babies it was for love, you told me it was…”   
“Marrying Jared has made you wise” she wipes her face with her fingertips and chuckles slightly   
“I dunno about that last night he squeezed by boobs and made honking noises, so I don’t think it’s his influence…”   
“You are right though”   
“I know I’m a genius”   
“Fuck you” there’s no venom in it this time, just an eye roll and another chuckle   
“Anyway this is hash tag depressing, shall we go run it off? I’ve got my kit in the back of my car”   
And run it off we did, right along the water front in Malibu with lots of shouting, cussing, stomping of feet just letting all those life isn’t fair sometimes aggressors out. I think we both felt better by the time we got back to her house and literally swept through it, getting rid of everything concep-tion, thermometers, apps on ipads and phones, timers, brochures of IVF, calendars with most fer-tile days written on and threw the whole lot in the trash (apart from the technology obviously). I was still there just laughing and still trying to do a yoga head stand when Jamie came home from the Lab which I took as my cue to leave hoping they could work it out, and the only brochures they would look at would be holiday ones… for now  
Jared was already at home when I got there, whistling to himself, making dinner, Beast purring round his ankles “Hey there…”   
“Hey…”   
“V ok?”   
All the tears I’d managed to hold back all day over my friend not being able to have what should have been the most simple thing in the world came flooding from my eyes, I hate crying in front of him, I should have cried in the car on the way home “Y…yeah…”   
“Sssshhh Little Pea” He turns the stove off and comes over to me bringing my head to his chest and stroking a hand through my hair, that’s my ultimate comfort blanket these days, it could soothe even the most crazy anxiety attack or I bet almost any kind of sadness I could experience “Hard day huh?”   
“I feel so helpless, I… I wish I could have a baby for them”   
“I know… I know… but this is something they need to work through themselves”   
My cell started playing its normal text tone and fearing that it was V telling me she was on her way over because she’d left Jamie I pulled myself away from Jared and fished my cell out of my purse. It was V but she was texting me to say her and Jamie were going to Mexico. Just like that, fuck it all, let’s leave it behind, forget about it for a week and start with plan b when we get back. I was so happy for them, they were always what I thought real love looked like, no freaking out over mov-ing in together, getting married or even just saying I love you for the first time “They’re going to Mexico”   
“Good… good for them, Jamie said he wanted some time off today, they’ll work it out… they are love, just pure love those two”   
“And what are we?”   
“We Amelia are also love but a fuck load of dirty…” He took a step closer to me again cupping his hands around my face lowering himself to my level “…filthy…” he put a kiss to my lips just a little one “…kinky…” another kiss “…mind blowing awesome sex…” another kiss and he lets go of my face and steps away back to the stove “and sometimes love making”   
“Excuse me?”   
“You heard me… go wipe your make up off and we’ll eat ok?”   
“Ok… I love you”   
“I love you more… go on the freakin sauce will burn otherwise”   
Jamie and V came back from Mexico ten days later, tanned, extremely hung over from the all-inclusive bar deciding the best way to handle things was to get rip-roaringly drunk and just have sex because they wanted to, not to make a baby. Only they did make a baby, because sometimes when you stop trying so hard, things really will happen on their own.   
*******************************************************************************************  
“I said WHORE do you want THIS?”   
“Yes Jared”   
“Beg me…” Jesus fucking Christ how? He’s got me on my knees in the middle of the rug on the liv-ing room floor, hands bound behind my back via a collar around my neck. He’s been buying things online again because as soon as the post had arrived he made me strip out of my clothes and get on my knees… when he says it in a certain tone of voice you don’t question it, you just fucking do it. By the time I’d stripped out of my clothes (after locking the door) he’d opened a parcel and pro-duced the wrist to neck bondage cuff not even saying anything to me just pulling my arms behind my back and pushed me to my knees strapping me up. Now he’s standing in front of me, his ach-ingly hard dick right in front of my face but just far enough away that I can’t get my lips round it   
“Please Sir” usually calling him Sir and not Jared will help me get what I want which right now is his dick down the back of my throat “Please put your dick in my mouth… Sir”   
“I should take my paddle to the backs of your thighs for being so cheeky yesterday” I’d kind of pulled HIM about a bit the day before, sometimes I like to be in charge but he makes me pay for it when roles switch back which is one of the reasons I do it   
“Sorry Sir” I look down at the floor and he grabs my chin and pulls it up so I’m looking at him again   
“I bet you’re so wet aren’t you?” I don’t really know how to respond here so I decide to wind him up   
“Maybe you should come down here and check… Sir”   
“Don’t tell me what to do whore”   
“Then give me something else to do with my mouth… Sir” That does the trick he takes the step forward that I’ve been needing him to and thrusts into my mouth and does not hold back in the slightest. I can’t use my hands so he does it for me, I cannot put in to words how much this turns me on. It’s like porn hot, my husband with his hand around the base of his dick thrusting into my mouth as I’m tied up and on my knees. HOLY FUCK   
“That’s stopped your smart mouth hasn’t it?” I moan around his length and he pushes harder to-wards the back of my throat “Hungry little whore aren’t you?” I moan again louder this time trying to swallow him down putting as much pressure around him as I can. I bet he’s gonna let himself cum and then just fucking walk off leaving me tied up and frustrated… don’t make me use my safe word you shit head because I will even if it’s just to go and get my dildo and make you watch as I fuck myself with it. He moves his free head to the back of my head scooping my hair up into the palm of it, entwining the lengths of it between his fingers and pulls. Oh fuck me, or rather my mouth. I have no idea how he does this, all these different body parts doing different things yet… just… oh fuck Jared… I mean… Sir “Do you want me to fuck you?” I try and nod my head but it doesn’t really work “I said do you want me to fuck you whore?” He takes a step back freeing him-self from my mouth so I can answer   
“Yes please”   
“Yes please what?” He’s still got his hand in my hair and uses it to pull my head backwards which tightens the collar around my neck, holy… oh fuck  
“Yes please… Sir”   
“I’ll think about it” He lets go of my hair and walks away from me, just walks off, leaving me naked, frustrated and tied to myself on my knees in the middle of the floor. I see him go into the kitchen and pour himself a glass of juice, still with his hand around his dick stroking himself gently. Dammit Jared… He sits down on the couch juice glass down on the coffee table “Very quiet whore?”   
“Sorry Sir”   
“I could make you loud I suppose… would you like that?”   
“Yes Sir” GOD please Jared PLEASE touch me, fuck me, do fucking something   
“Can you stand up? Or do I have to come over there and fetch you?” I start to stand up but then I see it across his face and he thinks I’m going to fall again and I’ve never seen him move so fast. I really could have gotten up by myself but I’ll admit being led back to the couch via the collar around my neck is much better than walking alone. He spins me so my back is facing him as he sits back down legs slightly apart, reaching forward he pulls me backwards closer towards him how I do it without tripping is beyond me having my arms tied is sending me totally off balance “Sit on it then… it’s not going to fuck itself”   
I climb backwards into his lap, folding my legs underneath me as I go, I lower myself down the final part of the way he pushes himself inside me and I sink down on to his dick “Oh holy fuck…” the way is dick curves, the veins pulsing are pushing against me, deep inside, so perfectly  
“Move then whore…” I do my best to bounce, just push my hips up and down as he sits on the couch hands at his sides, making like he’s disinterested, it drives me crazy when he does that and makes me work even harder at what I’m doing but it’s hard bound like I am and I’m sat too far for-ward to rest my hands against him “That’s it” My hair is pulled again and his own hips move in rhythm with mine “Good girl…”   
“Harder…”   
“What?”   
“Harder please Sir” My pleading worked, I guess I sounded desperate enough for him to take pity on me as he pulls my legs out from underneath me and around in front of us meaning he’s doing all the work and is just bouncing me up and down on his dick… really fast and really hard, it’s a good job I trust him as I feel like I’m going to fall with my hands bound. The head of his dick is pushing against my g-spot in the most delicious way in this position, I can’t keep my moans under control and thankfully neither can he as he begins to grunt which will always break me “Oh holy fuck…” He spreads my legs slightly, god I can feel his balls underneath me just fucking swelling fit to burst   
“Do you want to cum?”   
“Yes please”   
“Say it…”   
“Please make me cum Sir”   
“Do you want me to cum?”   
“Yes Sir”   
“Do you want to feel me fill you?”   
“Oh god yes… please Sir” He’s holding my legs in the air, tighter together now, I can see all he veins in his arms pumped up where he’s using his muscles to hold me up and fuck me at the same time. I’m gonna cum I know I am I can’t hold it “Can’t hold it…”   
I throw my head back leaving his lips at my ears and he simply whispers, so gently “Don’t” and I feel it pull out of me, everything tightening including the collar around my neck, the restraints around my wrists and I cry out his name my body trembling and shaking “I’m going to fill that tight little pussy of yours whore”   
“Please… please I need it… Sir… please…” I try and get my body to cooperate into moving against him slightly and as I do I feel him pulling stronger against me, his breath hot on the back of my neck panting against it  
“Gonna… fucking… hell…” he pulls me once more back towards him and I feel him lose control and fill me, shouting my name. He releases my legs and lets me fall back into his chest slightly, bringing his hands up to caress my boobs… erm ok… what? “I erm… couldn’t reach your boobs, sorry boobs, I love you really” such a fucking doof I swear to god, how does he do it, go from being that Jared to Jared squeezing my boobs and telling them her loves them? Weirdo Beardo “Sit forward a little bit Amelia and I’ll untie you” I manage to shuffle forwards by opening my legs so they’re either side of his and lean forwards allowing him access to undo the wrist cuffs first then the neck collar. As soon as I can move my hands I bring them up to rub across my neck “Have I hurt you?”   
“Not at all, just felt weird, good but weird”   
“Are you lying?”   
I turn my head round so I can see his face and see a look of concern and panic across it “No not at all…”   
He pulls me back further into his lap again essentially leaving me naked and sitting on his lap, no cum on the couch though I was smart enough to buy a throw a couple of weeks ago from Bed Bath and Beyond, a washable one that I would happily just buy another one of because it was a fraction of the cost of buying ANOTHER couch “Are you going to go do your weird art things today?”   
“Yeah you wanna come with?”   
“I’ve got to go to the Lab and besides we’re never any good at flying under the radar… eeeeww…”   
“What?”   
“Cum in my lap you’re leaking on me”   
“I can’t help it Jared what goes up must come down it’s the basic law of gravity you know and be-sides you put it there in the first place”   
“You begged for it”   
“I’m going for a shower so you can either come with me and help me get us BOTH clean or sit a puddle of cold jizz…. The choice is yours Leto”   
“You know calling me Leto doesn’t work so well anymore seeing as you’re Leto too now… LETO” He starts to stand and I think I’m going to be pushed off his lap and on to the floor while he steps over me and flounces off telling me to clean myself up calling me a slut or something that will make me rage at him and turn me on in equal measures but instead his arm wraps around my middle and I get lifted up with him, only because of the height difference and his stupid arms that are like tree trunks my feet don’t touch the floor and I end up feeling like a small child feet dangling as he car-ries me towards the bathroom.   
“I like our showers together” the hot spray is pouring over us and thankfully there’s no slight sting of friction burn around my neck or wrists, that collar was really soft against my skin   
“Who lived here before you?”   
“A sports star as I recall it was them that did all the work and literally as it was completed they got transferred to another team across the country”   
“Must have been a basketball player, the shower is huge, the tub is big enough for some kind of party”   
“Hot tub time machine… alright”   
“Your taste in cinema is terrible are you aware of that?” He’s washing my hair but more in a come-dy way than romantically, I need to get it cut it’s so long I don’t know what to do with it anymore   
“Hey I’m a genius you know it’s proven that we need to watch things that are dumb to soothe our exhausted brains from trying to save the universe”   
“I still don’t see it as an excuse for 21 Jump Street on repeat and you and V cursing Korean Jesus and…” I silence him by putting my lips to his and my arms around his neck where we stay until all the sex is washed away… until next time   
*******************************************************************************************  
Right where was I? Weird art things yes… My ‘commercial’ art does what it says on the tin its por-traiture plain and simple but sometimes I like to do kind of weird things like Guerilla art. I should explain Guerilla art huh? Basically its art but it’s not in a gallery its outside and in your face, now I’m not saying that someone spraying ‘andy loves dick’ on the freeway underpass is Guerilla art but you get the idea. And my Guerilla art is to take lyrics from songs small snippets and print them out using one of those ticker tape things you know with the wheel that punches each individual letter? Yup one of them, it takes hours to do them but it’s worth it. THEN I take these lyrics and stick them places you wouldn’t expect to find them, the bottoms of plates in restaurants, clothing hangers in H&M, tables in Starbucks, you get the idea.   
I did it before when I was at university only no one really noticed it was kind of for my own morbid curiosity or something but this is 2014 so now I’ve got a Twitter account (that I didn’t let Jared fol-low because it would give the game away as to who was doing it) so people can tweet me where they find them, sometimes I suppose as well people could do this themselves and then I can deny or confirm that the one they’ve found is mine. Usually if you find Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Ro-mance or Panic! At the Disco lyrics in and around LA they’re mine, but they have popped up in New York when I haven’t been so I guess some people have taken my idea and run with it.   
I don’t know how many people know it’s me… I work under the pseudonym Miss Vincent to keep it hush hush... I didn’t want to get arrested for copyright (never mind vandalism) so I talked to Jar-ed about it because he knows about such things and he said just call Pete. Pete who? Pete Wentz? What just call Pete Wentz and say ‘hey can I use your words for my mad art project?’ apparently that’s exactly what he meant and ten minutes later I was facetiming with half of Fall Out Boy trip-ping over my words trying to explain what I was doing and why only or Pete to just go ‘huh yeah go for it’ and that was it. AND if THAT wasn’t terrifying enough Jared THEN set up a ‘meeting’ be-tween me and Gerard Way so I could ask him about using his lyrics and I don’t quite know how Jar-ed did it but this ‘meeting’ involves ‘coffee’ at GERARD WAY’S HOUSE. Yes I’ve met him before ONCE and I was half drunk and trying to stop myself from realising I was in love with my now hus-band this is a big deal to me. My Chemical Romance were a HUGE deal to me. Gerard Way is a mas-sive deal to me and I’m currently sat in my Mini on his driveway trying to get my breathing under control enough to get out of the car when he just comes strolling out the front door. SHIT. Get out of the car Amelia come on you can do this…   
“Hey… thanks for meeting with me we’ve met before at…” I’m being hugged by Gerard Way oh my god oh my god OH MY GOD   
“Of course I remember you, I’m such a fan of your work which is why I wanted to meet you, I hope you don’t mind coming here, my wife is away on tour and I’m on child watch… oh and my brother is here too hope that’s ok?”   
MIKEY WAY IS HERE? I’m inwardly jumping up and down on the spot “Sure, thanks for having me over…”   
“My pleasure come in come in… Jared said I wasn’t to give you coffee so I got some fruit tea in-stead…”   
“Lovely thank you…”   
I’m motioned to sit down at the kitchen table which I notice is littered with sketches and paints, other paraphernalia that comes with being an artist… I can’t keep my eyes off him, he’s always shorter than I think he is and not as thin as he was, but when he was Party Poison I always thought he had gotten too slim. He potters around his kitchen boiling kettles, fetching cups out of cup-boards hopefully unaware that I am in total awe of him “Oh hey you must be Amelia Henry”   
“She’s Amelia Leto now Mikey”   
“Oh right sorry… well it’s nice to meet you anyway I’m Mikey” he puts his hand out for me to shake and I try not to hold on to it for too long or make a fool of myself in any other way. I always felt like I’d watched Mikey grow up from awkward band geek to grown man band geek.   
“Just Emmy is fine”   
“Or Little Pea” chuckles Gerard   
“Excuse me?” There’s a tea cup placed down in front of me and both Ways take a seat at the table with me  
“It says it on your license plate”   
“Oh yeah, I’m really short and my head is small like a pea, so Little Pea, it kind of stuck when I was at university, it’s only really Jared that’s calls me it now he bought me the car with that plate as an engagement present”   
“Oh that’s erm… sorry I know I don’t know you but you married Jordan Catalano, you basically ful-filled every nineties teenage girls dream is it… I dunno weird?”   
“Mikes we’re here to talk about art it doesn’t matter who Emmy is married to”   
“Sorry”   
“It’s ok, everyone asks the same thing, I think it’s people of a certain age, truth is, he’s just like any other husband he drives me up the wall, he leaves mess everywhere he goes, he burns things even when he’s not cooking them and he’s more married to his work some days than me but sometimes… I look at him and it takes me a bit by surprise just like how did I get here? How did HE get here? Then he does something annoying and I forget about it again”   
“So now Mikey’s question has been satisfied I need you to tell me why we’ve only met once be-fore today? Artists should stick together run in packs regardless of style differences…”   
“I erm actually came to the opening of your wife’s art show a few years ago, but I erm… got a bit nervous about coming and saying hello”   
“And why would that be? Are we scary?”   
YES times a hundred million yes “Erm… I was… well I mean I am still I guess kind of introverted… I’m not good at making friends”   
“Yet you somehow managed to marry Jared Leto?”   
“Well when you put it like that... but mostly it’s because I don’t really feel the need for masses of social interaction and because I never did I was always rubbish at talking to people… I mean my best friend had to drive me to my first date with Jared or I don’t think I would have gone”   
“AND see now you’re happily married to him, I mean I’m not saying we will get married but I’d like it if we were friends? Lyns is a massive fan of yours too, she’s so sad she’s missing today… Mikey had social anxiety too and me and Frank and so many people in my life admittedly we didn’t do it because we’re legit geniuses but what I’m saying is I think we are… well I am just as scared of you as you are of me, I mean you’ve won AWARDS for your art, you’re a DOCTOR of art history and I draw cartoons”   
“And you’re My Chemical Romance”   
“Jared said you were a My Chem fan… well My Chem are a fan of yours too Mrs Leto… so tell me ALL about printing my silly words out and sticking them all over the place I am totally intrigued by it…”   
I spent three hours with Gerard and Mikey, after about thirty minutes it felt like I’d known them my whole life, they were everything I thought they were and more, and Gerard of course said I could use his lyrics, he even asked if he could take a bunch of the stickies I’d already made and place them in random places himself. They asked me if I would like to stay for dinner but I declined so I could go see Jared at the Lab however the offer was greatly appreciated and they literally came outside and stood on the porch waving at me as I pulled off the drive. Scary emos? Bringing about destruction of teenage minds? More like a devoted father, husband and uncle who filled me with fruit tea, vegan cookies and introduced me to Bandit when she was dropped off from the child minder. Some say you should never meet your heroes it would seem I should have met mine YEARS ago and I owe Jared either a blow job or a massive hug for setting it up and pushing me into it.   
I settle with vegan salad for now that I collect on my way to the Lab. I haven’t been to the Lab in so long it almost feels like the first time I went there. It’s changed so much going in through the front door I feel it and see it. Jared doesn’t live here anymore. This is now Thirty Seconds to Mars house. Not Jared’s, not Shannon’s it’s devoid of their personalities, bar the awards still languishing on the kitchen windowsill only now they’re in a special case that’s been built on to the kitchen windowsill but that’s all there is. It makes me feel a little bit sad, this was their home. I guess they have other homes now, happy ones, you can’t stay in a bachelor pad forever and I’m glad that he moved in with me and not me move in here. I could never see myself here, it’s… it always was quite… sterile I think is the word, more a show home than an actual home, and that’s because they really were hardly ever there staying for a couple of months at a time dumping stuff they’d collected before going again.   
“Jared?” I shout into the empty hallway I’m sure there are people here somewhere   
“Little Pea?” he sounds so confused as to me being there and I follow the sound of his voice into the office where he’s sat starting at a computer screen shit have I interrupted a VyRT? Wouldn’t be the first time… “Hey my wife’s here…”   
“We know she’s your WIFE Jared…” One of his assistants that helps with Creeps and stuff laughs at him, Shannon told me that I’m always referred to now as ‘my wife’ not ‘my Amelia’ or ‘my Little Pea’ no now I’m WIFE and any opportunity that he can say it he will  
“I brought you dinner”   
“Well aren’t you the best wife ever?” I see the same assistant roll his eyes and slink off leaving us alone. Jared pulls a chair out for me to go sit on once my butt is firmly on the chair it’s pulled to-wards him where he wraps his arms around me and I’m glad I put the take out bag down on the desk or I’d have a lap full of salad right now “I like it when you come to see me at work” His face nuzzles into the side of my neck “You smell of smoke”   
“I wasn’t smoking the Ways were”   
“Did you have a nice time? Did Gerard agree to you using his lyrics?”   
“Yeah thank you”   
“What for?”   
“Setting it up for me…”   
“Amelia I called him yes to ask him to open the door but it turned out he’d been holding it open for a while, he’s a big fan of yours and was too shy to just introduce himself as you were to him, so did you just geek out about art?”   
“Yeah Mikey was there too”   
“So essentially you spent an afternoon with half of one of your favourite bands drinking tea?”   
“Pretty much”   
“Thanks for bringing me dinner but shall we go home and eat? I was going to get a cab home as Shannon brought me, but I tell you what I’ll drive us home in the Mini and we can eat there? I don’t like being here after everyone has gone, before I’d love it being here alone, now it just… it feels empty” He sighs against my neck where he’s still wrapped round me “It’s not home any-more… I don’t know if it ever was… until I found you…”   
“Come on sappy lets go HOME then”   
“I’m glad I found you Amelia”   
“I’m glad you did too…”   
“Home?”   
“Home…”   
*******************************************************************************************  
London. Baby. I’m going to work, Lord Shit is going to twirl about, twirl, twirl look at me I’m a lion prowling through the streets of London Town being all fabulous with my following mane. I’m not even sure why he’s here. He claims he has ‘meetings’ and I’m assuming he really does because Emma is here too. It’s kind of mad, me and him and an assistant each seeing as Steph’s here as well. And because his lordship decided to come the TV company freaks out slightly and instead of our normal you know hotel rooms we end up in the penthouse suite of Soho House after flying business class from LAX to Heathrow. Seriously coach and a room with a bed and bathroom would have been fine.   
I get to work and as most of the filming occurs outside because it’s about street art I’m followed everywhere by a little gaggle of Echelon who turn up to watch me film, talk to me about art, talk to me about Mars, about Jared, and because it’s still cold in London and I feel bad I take them to Star-bucks and buy them hot chocolate to warm up. This is how Jared knows where I am without me telling him as I end up as a trending topic with super cute tweets like ‘having coffee with Amelia no big deal’ ‘Little Pea is so tiny in the flesh and super cute’ ‘not every day your hero buys you hot chocolate’. I love English girls they’re so polite full of congratulations and asking sweet questions about married life and are we enjoying it, I’m sure some of them want to ask me about his dick, I can see it on the tips of their tongue, not his dick obviously that only goes on the tip of my tongue. He causes his own stir around London of course, twirling about fashion type events and doing in-terviews and castings and whatever else it is Jared does. It’s kind of odd it’s like having nine to five jobs we both go out to work around London and then meet back for dinner and bed.   
We haven’t had that much time together while we’ve been here, just because we’re both busy and the jet lag thing always does me in, and for the first couple of days if I’m not ‘working’ I’m asleep, Steph takes pictures of me asleep on studio floors, park benches, sliding down the wall in the National Gallery. He’s fine of course and so are Emma and Steph, I’m just shit at cross conti-nental travel. I’m ok if I’m going BACK to LA but not the other way round. So the first thing that happens as I come out of my jet lag slump (I make a note to travel with Shannon because he suf-fers too, so everyone else can go run about as if they haven’t jumped three time zones in a day and me and him can snooze on a big couch) is go out to dinner with one of Jared’s lady harem types, Belle. I’ve not met her before, I know she sights Jared as one of her best friends yet she de-clined the wedding invitation we sent her saying she was working (it was Christmas but whatever) and I’ve not met her prior to that or to this evening even because everyone has crazy schedules you can literally chase each other round the world missing each other by days, sometimes hours… I’m apprehensive simply because she’s English I’m American this is her turf, but that’s the only reason why, I’ve no reason to dislike her I’ve not even met her…   
Until I DO meet her, and she is the rudest person I have ever met in my life and Jared is totally oblivious to it, he must be looking at the scene through Jared tinted spectacles and only seeing what he wants to, we have pre dinner ‘drinks’ where she quaffs the most expensive champagne and I have a glass of wine to seem polite, I’m crap at drinking I would be quite happy with a diet coke but when in Rome (or London) and all that… She does nothing but talk OVER me, undermine me, make rude comments about everything from my outfit, to our wedding, even Char doesn’t go without note and she’s not even here (I wish she was because she’d probably launch her purse at this girls head without a second thought). By the time comes to sit at a table and eat I am so far from hungry it’s not even funny and my head is alternating between spinning and pounding so I make my apologies and leave. Which delights her and slightly confuses Jared. He says he’ll come with me but I assure him I’m fine and that he should stay with his friend, I don’t want to feel guilty at stopping him having a good time. I take a cab back to the Hotel and order room service with Emma and Steph. Emma simply rolls her eyes at my slight complaint of my dinner companion’s rudeness and offers no further comment. I know Emma has suffered at the hands of Jared’s har-em in the past, especially in the shape of his ‘stylist’ and there was some cross words exchanged between the three of them and after that said stylist took a backseat and well I’ve seen her and spoken to her, but her and Jared are no way near as close as they were. If was to do with me, I don’t know, but there’s no love lost that I do know.  
I don’t expect to see Jared until… well I expect Jared to crawl into bed beside me waking me up clattering around tripping over his own shoes complaining that he can’t find his hair bobble or something mundane that only I know the answer to at two am. I trust him alone with another woman, of course I do, let me tell you why… one he’s Jared Leto he can do nothing without a cam-era capturing it, if he’s fucking around behind my back it’d be all over the internet before I’d packed my bags and fled and two he respects our relationship our marriage, and me it’s one of the only things in his life that is sacred to him, it’s up there with Mars, acting and his family and he knows that if he did fuck around he would be gone, there’d be no amount of apologies that would stop me throwing him out and filing for divorce and although it would utterly break me he knows I would never take him back which is how I know he wouldn’t fuck it up for that reason. However HIS behaviour is only one side of the coin.   
I was sat happily on the bed after Skyping with my brother, we’re making more of an effort to communicate especially now Jack is getting bigger I want my nephew to know who I am, not just some crazy woman who shows up with gifts every so often and then disappears off so we try and Skype every couple of weeks, plus you know our parents aren’t getting any younger we should make an effort to be closer in case something happens and we need each other. I was thinking about brushing my teeth and putting some cream on my feet because they’re really sore after running around London when Jared hurls in through the suite door, his face totally unreadable. I’ve never seen this face before and I’ve seen two and a half years of Jared Leto face, I know hap-py, sad, proud, overwhelmed, angry, turned on, but this is… this is something else entirely. Jared what’s wrong? Something is wrong as well, that’s the one thing I do know, because it’s not a hap-py face and his body language is backwards for him, usually he’s so open chest out and striding it’s just who he is but right now he’s almost folded in on himself like he’s trying to hide in plain sight.   
“Hey thur beardo I didn’t think I’d see you this side of midnight” He doesn’t answer me instead he marches past and into the bathroom slamming the door behind him, I hear the sound of things crashing around in there, like he’s having a fight with an overly aggressive penguin or something “Jared?” The door’s not locked and deciding I can live with walking in on him on the can for the sake of something being potentially wrong I turn the handle and slowly push it open to see him standing over the sink aggressively brushing his teeth, to the point his got toothpaste foam in his beard, down his shirt, there’s even some in the ends of his hair “Was dinner bad?” No answer, well it’s kind of hard to talk with a mouthful of toothbrush but he doesn’t nod or shake his head either and he looks visibly upset “Hey…” I make my way over to him and lay my fingers on his shoulder “You’ll have no teeth left if you keep that up, have you got broccoli stuck in your teeth again? I’ve got some floss in my wash bag, hang on I’ll get it for you before you make your gums bleed…” He makes a garbled noise as I search the contents of my wash bag, I hate floss but I once had a piece of apple stuck in my teeth for days it was SO annoying so after that I carry it with me everywhere “What did you say?”   
He spits over the sink and looks up at me “How’s your headache?”   
I’m shit at lying to him, even white lies, even ‘yes Jared I do like your new erm stripy shoes’ and he sees straight through me “Took some erm Advil, its fine now”   
“I know you’re lying”   
“I’m sorry it’s just…” I go to hand him the floss and he knocks it out of my hand sending it hurtling across the room, shit this isn’t good. What should I have done though? Say Jared your friend is a fucking bitch and I’m not gonna sit here and be insulted and flounce off causing a massive scene? A little white lie of I’ve got a headache saved everyone face, didn’t it?  
“I hate it when you lie to me”   
“I erm…” I’m at a total loss here, he’s cleaning toothpaste off himself, and rinsing his mouth off, the oddest thing is he doesn’t seem angry, but he is agitated, he’s SO agitated   
“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that… Amelia we need to talk”   
“Ok” I manage to get that out calmly even though I can feel my knees start to shake  
“Come and sit on the couch with me please” He takes my hand firmly and pulls me out of the bath-room towards the big leather couch at the end of the bed and pushes me down on it then takes a seat next to me, his whole body is pointed towards me and he’s got his hands clasped tightly around mine, I can’t work out if he’s shaking or I am “Ok you should have told me she was making you uncomfortable, Amelia I never want you to feel like that, you shouldn’t let people be rude to you for my sake, no matter who they are and I apologise for not noticing, I thought perhaps you were I don’t know marking your territory or maybe it was an American v English girl thing that I be-ing man didn’t understand, until you left”   
He can’t look at me anymore, he looks down at our hands instead “Jared… what happened?” I move me free hand and put it under his chin using my fingers to turn his gaze back to me   
“Nothing happened, I would like you to know that first, nothing happened, Amelia I love you, you are my world, my heart my soul you are my everything and if I EVER hurt you emotionally it would… it would destroy me”   
“She did something though didn’t she?”   
“Am I stupid?”   
“No far from it…” I use my fingers to push his hair behind his ear, letting my nail trace the outer shell trying to soothe him “… start at the beginning hey? I’m listening… and Jared I know you would never hurt me on purpose, why do you think I left? I wouldn’t have felt I could do that if I didn’t have the upmost trust in you and how you view our relationship ok?”   
He shuffles around and lets go of my hand, stretching out across the expanse of the couch, his feet up on the arm and finally his head lands in my lap letting me twine my fingers through his now slightly darker locks, it’s always so soft and it smells amazing, like cinnamon and ginger “She… urgh she tried to kiss me” I take a deep inhale of breath, feeling my blood boil “I didn’t kiss her back, god it made me feel ill, I felt so dirty having had someone’s lips on mine that weren’t yours, hence the frantic teeth brushing, sorry about that, I just needed to rid myself of any trace of her… I don’t understand we’ve been friends for so long…” And just friends at that, within the first couple of months of dating my now husband I learnt which girls he’d slept with, which girls wanted to sleep with him, and which girls he had a purely platonic relationship with and Belle always fell into the final category. Even though she was utterly rude to me this evening I could see in their body lan-guage that her and Jared had never crossed the friendship line, so what he was telling me was as shocking to me as it had been to him “She was SO rude about you, telling me I’d made a mistake and that you were just after my money and fame which is ridiculous seeing as one you’re richer than me and two you were already famous… then she just started with all this crazy stuff like say-ing I knew I wanted her and she was sorry she’d been busy but it was time to stop denying it, she was really… aggressive she totally knocked me off my guard and just lunged at me it was awful Amelia it was awful I was SO angry but I wouldn’t hurt her physically, so I just said NO I didn’t say anything else after I just said NO and walked off and got a cab… Little Pea I am so sorry”   
“Jared you’ve got nothing to be sorry for… this is a thing I’m afraid, women keep banging on about how we have to be afraid of saying no to men but it works both ways women can be just as ag-gressive… so why now? Why after you’re married did she decide to tell you all this?”   
“I think she thought that one day I’d declare my undying love for her so she watched as I fucked around or whatever and was biding her time, only I never felt like that about her, never I just thought she was kind of cool and a talented actress” I do my best not to scoff at that remark I think I’ve only ever seen her one thing and that was over five years ago “Little Pea look I know I had a reputation, but it was because I was looking for something only at the time I didn’t know what, I thought I just got bored easily but that wasn’t it, all those… well all those before you they were there to amuse me physically for a short time but that was it, I never connected mentally with them and then when I found you, and you have it all Amelia, brains and beauty and you give your-self to me in the most obscene ways, far beyond anything I’ve experienced before and it’s be-cause of the trust between us, the trust and the love that makes everything so intense but in a re-ally good way… You are the only one for me Amelia you always were and I am SO sorry I let her make you feel uncomfortable”   
“It’s ok…” I let my fingers stroke his beard, almost scratching under his chin like you would a kitty   
“She said some awful things about you, people can say anything they want about me, but if any-one says a bad word about you my blood boils and I turn into the hulk… like that art critic that said a kindergartener could do better I would have punched him if you’d let me… I’m so confused”   
“Why?”   
“I just… you think you know someone I mean I suppose you could compare it to Emma trying to kiss me or maybe Jamie trying to kiss you, you’d be really confused wouldn’t you because that’s the furthest thing you’d ever think from that person you know? I mean sometimes I could look at Char, especially when she’d had Harry and had HUGE boobs and think man Shannon is lucky those boobs are awesome, I mean your boobs are better but… do you see what I mean?”   
He’s calm now I know he is because he’s rambling, he’s got his point across, she came on to him, he said no and got mad and now he’s hurt and confused and I don’t blame him, I think if like he said Jamie or Shannon or Tomo tried to kiss me I’d react exactly the same. I’m not mad, well I am at her because no one hurts my lion or tries to touch my lion without his permission, but I feel as if that bond between us has gotten even stronger… and I feel… I feel… I feel sick… Without any warning it comes over me hot sweating, skin flushing, room spinning I manage to push him off me and get to the bathroom where I empty the contents of my stomach in to the toilet bowl. Must have been what I ate we’re flying home tomorrow I’ll take some Benadryl and a sleeping tablet and stay out of the count for the flight home. Urgh I hate throwing up, it terrifies me I can feel the panic now, rising up through my body my heartbeat rising, as I heave again…   
“Little Pea? Are you sick?”   
“Jared don’t come in… I’m ok I shouldn’t have eaten so late is all…”   
“I’ll go get you some water ok?”   
“OK”   
“You stay right there…” I turn my head to look as he leaves the room before I heave again over the bowl.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

A week that’s all it took, one week and my precious little shining star wilted and faded. I would say before my very eyes but I’ve been away working but only for a week and she was alright when I left, wasn’t she?   
When I got back in the apartment it was dark and stale not like it usually is and I couldn’t see her at first, thought maybe she was out so I called her phone, the thing I should have done anyway when I landed maybe if I had… only when I dialled her the tone of her cell rang out from the coffee table and that’s where I found her on the space between the wall and the coffee table underneath the TV I thought she was dead, I thought she’d been taken from me, she was barely moving, barely breathing, she looked like… she looked like… like a concentration camp victim, dark circles under her eyes pale sallow skin, her body almost skeletal.  
The paramedics got there so quick, too quick to give me any real chance to call anyone to let them know, I held her in my arms she was there still somewhere, mumbling slipping in and out her body convulsing and heaving. What’s wrong I kept asking, they said they didn’t know her body was just failing, her heart beat low, her blood pressure low, everything was low, they asked all these ques-tions all these questions I couldn’t answer because I wasn’t here I wasn’t here when she needed me, I failed her, again.   
At the hospital they took her away from me, they were gone hours, days, weeks who knows I was left in this tiny little room alone just waiting not knowing what to do. Shannon and Char arrive first they’d not seen her in weeks, not since she’s been sick since we came back from the UK. It wasn’t anything serious just a virus, her immune system couldn’t kick it quick enough and it knocked her for six, but she’d been fine when I left for my trip, wasn’t she? Wasn’t she? Andrew arrives next, he and Anna quite used to Amelia ending up in the ER because she can’t fight germs like a normal person no matter how well she looks after herself so it’s just him for the time being, Anna is at work. V and Jamie are next to join the waiting party, a very round but suiting her nicely pregnant V, who says she’s not spoken to or seen the Little Pea in weeks either but she’s got a valid excuse that she’s not been able to move without throwing up, actually ended up here on a drip to rehy-drate her but was smiling through the whole thing just happy to be there because of the cause of her massive sickness.   
Eventually the door opens and I see it I see it on Andrew’s and V’s faces when the lone female Dr steps inside the room, they look like they’ve seen a ghost there’s some kind of non-verbal com-munication between the three of them nods and glances and finally everyone’s gaze lands on me.   
“You must be Jared?”   
“That’s right…” Should I stand? I’ll stand it seems the polite thing to do, hopefully my legs won’t go underneath me  
“I’m Suzanne if you’d like to follow me Amelia keeps asking for you”   
I follow her through the hospital in dead silence, not sure if I should be asking questions, I keep my hood pulled up over my head so people can’t see me, maybe that’s why she’s not talking to me so my voice won’t give me away? I’ve been here before I’m sure when was I here before? That’s right when Harry was born we were all here and Amelia got lost and… I don’t notice the signs but I no-tice the smell, like a thick syrup hanging in the air that clings to the back of my throat almost suffo-cating me. We pass rooms and rooms corridors of people shuffling about in pyjamas and robes there’s something off about them though, they’re not normal sick people, they look, almost like there’s nothing wrong but everything’s wrong at the same time. We pass a final set of doors where a code has to be input on a keyboard before we can go through, there’s nurses the size of nightclub bouncers who open the door for me. I see her through the door’s little window she’s on a white bed, in white room, in a white gown when I see her everything’s white, white white white. Even her skin, her normally freckled slightly tanned skin was white, I’m sure even her hair looked white under the sterile lights.   
“What’s wrong with her? Where are we? What’s going on?” Good Jared, get all the major ques-tions out at once   
“Your wife has relapsed”   
“Relapsed into what? You mean her virus she had when we came back from the UK it was just a virus she saw the Dr they said she just had to wait it out”   
“No Jared you know me my name is Suzanne, Suzanne Loman we’ve spoken on the telephone be-fore, spoken about Amelia” I look back to her on the bed my Little Pea a drip in the back of her hand the bag attacked at the top is just water, not medicine just water… NO no I would have known I would have known   
“NO”   
“I’m sorry Jared”   
“Little Pea… what have you done? What have you done?” I all but push the Dr out of the way so I can get to her   
“I’m sorry” she’s just kind of mumbles it against her lips if I didn’t know her didn’t know the movements of her face I wouldn’t have been able to tell what she was saying   
“What have you done Amelia?”   
“Jared if you’d like to step out into the corridor you can see Amelia once again before you go” Go where? I am going fucking nowhere lady NOWHERE. Amelia looks up at me, and does that thing where she tells me what to do without using any words. I put the smallest of kisses to her fore-head and follow the Dr out into the corridor   
“In all my years Jared this is one of the quickest relapses I’ve ever seen…”   
“I don’t understand”   
“When a person is fighting something, be it an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, an addiction they keep it locked away in their head, imagine if you would a big heavy door with an army of peo-ple pushing against it to keep it closed, not let it out again, and over years the army dies because what’s behind the door falls into a slumber stops fighting to get out to the point it’s not at the fore-front of the mind anymore, it’s locked away in a dusty cupboard somewhere with the rest of the past, but something Jared, something has unlocked it and it’s not been gradual I can assure you of that, in fact I promise you that. A person can live for weeks, months even without food and water, but that’s in theory and in survival conditions, not modern day Los Angeles, Amelia is starving and dehydrated, I doubt from the state of her she’s drunk anything in days not eaten maybe even for weeks, her kidneys are… well they’re not happy let’s put it that way, I can make her better Jared but… you’re her next of kin now and I’m going to need you to sign her over to me”   
“What do you mean? Sign her over to you?”   
“This is a rehabilitation facility Jared, and it’s the same with anything, we need seventy two hours to asses her, and we need your permission to do it”   
“No… NO she’s coming home with me I’ll look after her she’s my WIFE, and that’s what I’m sup-posed to do, not fucking clinics and people in white coats ME I’M SUPPOSED to take care of her, find me the form and sign her out please I’m taking her home”   
“Jared she needs to be here”   
“I’m not leaving her with you”   
“Jared she was nearly dead, barely conscious, this is very serious, she has so much wrong that we need to treat ABOVE whatever has caused this relapse. You can’t take her home and force her to eat and drink it’s not that simple… should I… Jean?” She turns to a woman behind a desk in the cor-ridor “Can you ask the rest of Amelia’s guests to come down please? Especially Veronica, I can’t believe it Veronica… pregnant”   
“She’s married to my friend Jamie, it’s how… I…” My world is spinning closing in on me, what the hell is happening? I’ve only been at the end of a phone, she’s not skyped with me this time while I’ve been away because of the time zones and she was exhausted after her virus, she looked sickly when I left yes, but… what the fuck is happening? When everyone arrives after being allowed in through the doors, I notice Char isn’t with them, nor Jamie, they must still be upstairs.   
“Jared it’s going to be ok”   
“You must be Jared’s older brother?”   
“Yeah”   
“I’m sure everyone has told you why we’re here and given you a brief idea as to what’s happen-ing” I see Shannon nod his face as white as everything else in here   
“Andrew, Veronica, I’m going to go and check Amelia I know this is difficult and maybe something you haven’t spoken about with Jared before openly but I need Amelia to stay here”   
“Seventy two hour lock down?” It’s barely a whisper that escapes her Dad’s lips   
“Yes”   
“And it’s Jared that needs to sign her in?”   
“Yes… now excuse me…” As she opens the door to Amelia’s room I hear her shouting, screaming as loud as she can, as loud as her frail body will allow her voice to be, yelling to let her go that there’s nothing wrong with her. As I hear it I watch V’s face crumble, and I see it, I see the face that would have been here all those years ago.  
“I’m taking her home you heard that she doesn’t want to be here, what can they do that I can’t at home?”   
“YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE” I thought it was coming from Andrew the roar was so loud “WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE? WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE JARED? I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU WITH HER, AND YOU’VE…” Her fists are literally beating against my chest, while Andrew and Shan-non try and work out how you’re supposed to stop a pregnant woman hitting someone “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”   
“I DON’T KNOW VERONICA I DON’T KNOW”   
She stops pounding her fists and looks up to me dead in the eye “You sign those fucking papers, you let them take care of her, and then you go, you go to the apartment and you pack, you bring the cat to my house, and you leave you go, you fucking broke her, you absolute cunt” She takes a deep breath in nostrils flaring “If I EVER see you again Jared Leto it will be too fucking soon” and with that she’s gone, hurling back upstairs to see Jamie no doubt, she’s right though, I did this, I’m no good for her, she would be better off without me   
“She didn’t mean it Jared…”   
“She’s right though”   
“Is she FUCK” I think that’s the first time I’ve EVER heard Andrew become even slightly angry “She’s pregnant and over hormonal, she never got over not seeing it herself the first time still car-ries the blame and now she’s passing it to you, when really no one could have known, hell maybe even Amelia didn’t know herself until it was too late, when the beast gets loose, it can rip a person apart before they even realize it’s out of the cage again”   
“I can’t leave her here”   
“How do you think I felt all those years again leaving her here? Do you think I wanted to leave my little girl? Leave my BABY DAUGHTER HERE? In this PLACE? Jared please, let them help, please”   
I look to Shannon “Jay you know you don’t have a choice here, plus it’s only three days, you’ve been away from her for SIX weeks before, and after the three days are over you can come back here and camp out with her until they hurl you out on your ass huh?”   
I nod through blinking tears, how did this happen? Shannon steps away and goes back through the locked doors probably to go and try and soothe Veronica into calming down and not going into an early labour leaving just me and Andrew. He goes into the room first, he makes it look so easy, like everything is alright and I can’t even put one foot in front of the other without feeling like my legs are going to collapse.   
“Amelia… you know you’ve got to stay here”   
“I don’t want to, I don’t want to stay there’s nothing wrong there’s nothing wrong”   
She’s so dehydrated she can’t make tears come from her eyes anymore, her beautiful blue eyes that… they’re… grey, not even blue they’re grey and that’s when I know, when I know I need to do this “Little Pea, Suzanne she’s going to help ok? She’s going to find out what’s happened”   
“Nothing’s happened, I got sick, I got a bug that’s all”   
“No sweetheart that’s not all, you know that”   
“I know it’s YOU that has to sign that paper to say I’m staying here well I tell you what Jared Leto if you sign that the next thing you’ll be signing is our divorce papers, in fact… fuck it… I’m not with him, he’s not my husband we’re separated I am a woman on my own, and I am NOT signing myself in here” I think my heart just shattered on the floor, I can’t feel anything anymore, I wonder what she said to Andrew, Anna and Veronica the first time they had to leave her here  
“Now Amelia, all that would happen in that case is that your Dad would sign the papers”   
“FUCK YOU ALL”   
“Gentlemen…” Suzanne motions for us to leave, I can’t leave, I can’t, what are they going to do to her? What has she done to herself? Little Pea… Andrew leans over her and puts a kiss to her fore-head, god he’s strong I hadn’t realised how much so, maybe he should be in the congress with a mental strength like that.   
“Little Pea I will be right back ok? As soon as they let me… I love you so much Amelia”   
“FUCK OFF JARED” I manage to get a kiss to her cheek and as I lean away from her I hear it, so weak just two words “I’m sorry” 

Andrew embraces me in the corridor, and leaves phone to his head no doubt talking to Anna and Art, telling them what I’ve done, how I’ve let her down. I don’t look back in through the window of the door I can’t, I don’t know who’s in there but it’s not my wife. Suzanne ushers me into an office, which surprise surprise is white like everything else. Fucking WHITE. I make myself sit down I don’t know how, I don’t think I’ve actually got a body anymore or a heart or a brain all that exists is hurt, even looking down at the wedding ring on my hand, it doesn’t look like my hand, are these my hands? Have I been put in someone else’s body? Am I dreaming? That’s it isn’t it? I’m dreaming…   
“Jared I need to ask you some questions…” She puts a form down in front of me, a consent form, I don’t read it I just fucking sign it, I doubt it would make any sense, the whole thing looks like it’s written in Russian right now “They’re not going to be pleasant and I apologise for that but I’m here to help I need you to remember that… I’m going to start with the worst one… Has yours and Ame-lia’s intimate relationship changed of late?”   
“I’m sorry? I don’t think that’s any of your business? What are you going to do tell the media? I’m not answering that”   
“Jared I assure you that everything said here is in the strictest of confidence, I would lose my job if I said anything to anyone and I need my job I have a granddaughter who’s turning sixteen and wants a car… so again, has your intimate relationship changed?”   
“No… not that I can see any reason why you need to know that but NO, we are… as we always were”   
“Ok thank you for your honesty the reason I ask if often people suffering with this kind of disorder will often shield themselves away from partners so as to not raise suspicion”   
“I don’t understand how this has happened”   
“We will find out Jared I assure you, I never forget a patient and I could never forget Amelia, and Veronica, too smart for this world the pair of them, when I saw in the tabloids she was in a rela-tionship with you I shan’t lie I braced myself for her to end up back here but everything was fine, then I noted you’d gotten married and saw some of the photos and she looked radiant, so this is as shocking to you as it is to me… Now an obvious question have you noticed a change in Amelia’s weight? In her physical appearance?”   
“I thought she looked sickly before I left but like I say she’d had this sickness virus and I did notice that maybe she’d lost a couple of pounds but she’s been constant throughout our relationship I never noted a change in her, should I have?”   
“No… but I guarantee she will have been watching herself, ok, next question, and another obvious one have you noticed Amelia skipping meals? I need you to be honest with me here Jared”   
“I don’t think so, but we… I… some days we don’t eat together at all, but when we did eat togeth-er she did eat, I’m sure of it”   
“Have you noticed her working out more?”   
“No not more than usual but… V is… shit… sorry, V is a personal trainer, usually Amelia will exercise with her so she can keep an eye on her but… well V’s in no state to be running or doing yoga head stands”   
“So you think Amelia might have been working out more without Veronica’s supervision?”   
“I don’t know”   
“Right last one have you noticed anything out of the ordinary?”   
“Have you met my wife? She IS out of the ordinary”   
“I appreciate that but I mean perhaps more to do with her eating habits”   
My mind is blank just fucking blank, what time is it? What day is it? Is this real, think Jared come on, look at her in your head watch her in the apartment what’s she doing “The forks have gone”   
“How long have they been gone?”   
“I… I don’t know I thought… I thought maybe she’d been taking them to her studio with her to eat and forgetting to bring them back she has a mind like a sieve, she’s been eating with a spoon and I… god I can’t believe I didn’t notice, I just used forks that came with my takeout because I can’t cook”   
“Is it a small spoon?”   
“Yes a teaspoon and… and… she’s been eating everything out of cups, cereal, soups, everything out of cups with a little spoon, I just thought it was a… just one of her things”   
“Thank you Jared that’s all very helpful”   
“Why? What is going on? I need some kind of answer”   
“It was one of Amelia’s original traits of her disorder, she ate from cups, used it as a measuring tool, knew how many calories in whatever it was she was eating so long as it was in a cup, and as for the spoon, well it’s not something I’d heard of before and I don’t know if I will hear it again she’d got it into her head that if she ate with a small utensil like a teaspoon she could fool her body into thinking she’d eaten more than she had, and she would eat from the back of the teaspoon as well to make food last longer”   
“I… I…”   
“Go home Jared, don’t beat yourself up over this, I need you to take Amelia’s possessions with you, I don’t feel comfortable keeping them here”   
“What possessions? She didn’t have anything, she was in sweatpants and a tank top there wasn’t even her phone in her pocket it was on the table and…” She puts them down on the desk in front of me, her rings, her bracelet, her necklace “Oh…”   
“That ring is beautiful, but she can’t have them at the moment”   
“Can I bring her some clothes? Pyjamas?”   
“No… I’m sorry Jared but for the next seventy two hours Amelia can’t have anything apart from our upmost care to work out what’s happened and try and put it right, so like I said go home, I’m sure Veronica and Andrew will be able to help you with any questions”   
“Can I call her?”   
“You can call here and we can tell you how she is but for the next seventy two hours no you won’t be able to speak to her”   
“Why are you treating her like an addict?”   
“Because she is Jared, she is addicted to effectively starving herself and I’m going to find out why ok?”   
“Ok and erm… thank you”   
“Jared…” I’m half way out the door and she’s barely looking up from her notes as I turn back around “Please don’t take anything of what she said to heart, when Andrew and Anna left her here she said a lot worse I assure you, I’m very sure that she loves you very much the disease doesn’t”   
“You make it sound like she’s possessed”   
“At the moment she is”   
Shannon takes me to his house my Mom is there bustling around making tea, Char is just staring into space, Harry in her playpen. He leaves me there and goes to the apartment and comes back a couple of hours later with my suitcase I’d brought back from working away and the Beast in his cat basket, I hadn’t even noticed where the cat was while I waited for the paramedics he’s pissed and clawing to get out, Shannon opens the door to the crate and the big ball of fluff just comes and sits on my knee and doesn’t budge.   
“Jared eat something”   
“No”   
“Have a cup of tea at least”   
“No”   
“Jared please…”   
“Charlotte take Harriet upstairs please”   
“Will I fuck Shannon she’s staying right here as am I because if you’re gonna shout and scream then we’re all going to do it together”   
“Ok… Jared please let Mom and me take care of you”   
“No I need to go I need to go, I shouldn’t have… what have I done? What have I done? I shouldn’t have left her there it wasn’t the right thing” I try to stand up but there’s hands and cats holding me in place “Let fucking go of me”   
“No”   
“I need to go to my WIFE”   
“No”   
Harry’s crying registers on some kind of level in my brain and I feel myself start to cry, I don’t even know what I’m crying about it’s her that’s hurting, my precious Amelia, she’s the one in the hospi-tal and here I am having a fucking pity party. I shut everything out and it’s like I’m standing still and everything around me is moving in sped up motion, it’s awful, strings of teacups are placed in front of me and then replaced with fresh ones when they get cold, cookies, toast, chips, popcorn but I don’t want them, I think Tomo and Vicki appear at some point, Emma had switched her phone off as soon as she’d gotten home as to not disturb her and Paul, so she turns up looking ashen, why is everyone acting like Amelia is dead? She’s not dead she’s just… just… not herself at the moment that’s all.   
“I’m sorry”   
“It doesn’t matter” V sits next to me on the couch, still not used to her round front and wobbles in doing so, in normal circumstances it would be hilarious tonight, today whenever this is it’s just sad  
“No it does I shouldn’t have said it, I just, I’ve let her down not you”   
“How about we agree to disagree?”   
“What did Suzanne say?”   
“She said you two were too smart for this world”   
“Yeah, she used to tick me off for skipping class to go see Amelia down there, and she would quiz us on stuff and we’d come out tops every time so she just gave up and let us get on with it… She got better then and I’m sure she’ll get better this time too just… it’s going to take time but I need-ed to come and say I’m sorry, Char cried all the way through her pregnancy and I’m shouting my way through mine I don’t know why everything just makes me really fucking angry, I told Jamie I was going to shave his head in his sleep… did she say something horrible to you?”   
“Yeah”   
“She did to me too, and to her parents, tried to call a lawyer and divorce herself from them, told me she’d never speak to me again, it was… it was really hurtful but I soon realised it wasn’t her it’s the disease, I swear to you Jared”   
“How didn’t I know?”   
“How didn’t I know the first time? Amelia is fucking weird, she’s my best friend but she’s fucking mental, I thought eating out of cups and using teeny tiny spoons was just you know a… thing she did”   
“Has she been working out more?”   
“I don’t know Jared I don’t know I haven’t seen her I should have been more vigilant but I’ve been sick and then she was sick and…”   
“V I think that’s enough you’ve said you’re sorry let’s get you home, all this worry and stress it’s not good”   
“FUCK OFF JAMIE”   
“Fine fucking stay here, but what are you going to do just fucking sit there with the cat for seventy two hours? You need sleep, sleep and food and to put your fucking feet up I can see how swollen your ankles are from here”   
“I’m staying for as long as Jared needs me” she takes my hand into her swollen pregnant fingers and closes them around my fist then she turns to stare straight in front of her, just like I do. 

I don’t know what happens over the next three days, I don’t have a phone at the end of it and I’ve been banned from the internet and my credit card company rang me up and asked me if I had some kind of pyjama fetish as I’ve bought her so many pairs they thought my card had been sto-len. I think I’ve eaten, I don’t feel thirsty because I eventually started drinking the tea they put in front of me. Jamie took V home after she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder. Andrew and Anna have come and gone Art is still in San Fran but will be here at the weekend.   
I’ve not heard from Suzanne, but I don’t know if she’d talk to me now anyway. I googled the open-ing hours of the ward and as soon as I knew they were open I started calling. All they could tell me was she’d had a comfortable night, then I called an hour later, only to be told the same thing, then an hour later, then every hour on the hour, but nothing ever changed in what they said, just that she was ‘comfortable’ whatever that meant, then I tried to book myself into the hotel nearest the hospital with a room as close to the ward as possible, maybe I could see her I thought, make sure she’s ok. After that Shannon took my phone away from me. So I found something else to do I went online shopping and bought her as many pairs of cute pyjamas as I could find, my wife is not going to shuffle around that corridor without looking as fantastic as she can, I was a hundred bucks away from what I thought was a limitless card when they called Shannon answered and came and took the iPad away from me, and my wallet. The only things I have in my pockets now are her rings, bracelet and necklace, these things must weight barely a gram combined but they feel like they’re pulling my trousers down with how heavy they are.   
When the clock ticks down I don’t even call, I just drive down there, after some discussions it was decided as I signed her in, it’s up to me to make the first contact now the lock down is over. Part of me almost doesn’t want to do it, I don’t want to see the woman I left in there I want my wife and as good as Suzanne is there’s no guarantee she’s brought her back to me  
“Good Morning Jared come on in” I’d been literally sat leant against to the door to Suzanne’s office as she arrived. I take a seat once again across from her this office is nicer it’s actually got some life to it not just a white room “I should have known you would have been here”   
“How is she?”   
“That Jared is like asking how long a piece of string is BUT she’s getting better physically, she’s re-hydrated, and we got some nutrients into her too, it was a fight, probably worse than last time, she’s so fast, I forgot, have you ever just out of interest tried to run against her?”   
“Not in a race no but she can keep up with me, even if she claims she can’t”   
“Always thinking beneath herself”   
“Is that the problem?”   
“Interestingly not Jared, Amelia is… she will be fine, it’s going to take some work, but it’s going to be ok, it’s not been as quick as I thought as a relapse it’s been like a floodgate opening though she’s been keeping it at bay but then lost the battle without even thinking about it… She’s admit-ted that she was feeling tense about your wedding in the run up to it, after everything was done and was shall we say in the hands of the gods she lost control and the way Amelia regains control is by letting that side out of her a little bit, if she can control her body, how she looks, what she eats, numbers and percentages then it makes her feel better about the things she can’t, do you under-stand so far?”  
“Yes”   
“Good, then because she’s let the beast out that little bit it then creeps out a bit further, she’s been really busy yes? She told me about the attack, something else she couldn’t control then Ve-ronica had fertility problems something else she couldn’t control so it comes out again a little bit more, weakening her to the virus that she picked up in London and that was when she lost control of it”   
“How?”   
“She was pretty sick huh?”   
“Yeah”   
“You ever thrown up?”   
“Yeah”   
“When you end up throwing up the last thing you ate say would it put you off eating that thing again?”   
“Maybe for a bit but… I don’t really think about it”   
“But Amelia does, and that’s what broke her, every time she tried to eat she kept thinking about how bad it would be if she threw it up, so she stopped eating and then she thought about throw-ing up liquid so she stopped drinking, couldn’t reason with herself any more her terror over throw-ing up left over from her eating disorder has brought her eating disorder back”   
“So what happens now?”   
“She stays here for at least two weeks, I’m going to do daily therapy with her, and I’m going to get her to eat something if it kills me, there’s got to be something she will eat without thinking about throwing it back up, and then after that IF I’m satisfied that she will be able to care for herself and we’ve shut the beast away again she can go home, but she’ll still need weekly therapy sessions un-til I say otherwise EVEN and I appreciate your both busy people if they have to take place via the medium of the internet”   
“Can I see her?”   
“Of course she’s not in lockdown anymore we’ve moved her to a room of her own this morning”   
“Can she have her things back?”   
“Yes”   
“Can she have her phone back?”   
“Yes BUT if I think it’s unsettling her in any way then I will restrict it again”   
“Thank you”   
“It’s my job, and I’m sure at some point Jared you and I are going to butt heads so let’s try and stay friends huh?”   
“I’ll try”   
“No Veronica?”   
“Too fat to move” I laugh lightly for the first time in days and raise a smile out of Suzanne “I think this shook her and her blood pressure went up and she shouted at me then her husband shouted at me and her and eventually she got taken home I understand she’s been asleep, shouting and sitting with her feet above her head ever since but I’ve no doubt she’ll be waddling through here as soon as I say she can”   
“I’ll look forward to it… just… before we go Jared I need you to know how much your wife loves you, despite what she says, despite what she said to you, she has a love for you that’s unstoppa-ble, and it’s that fact which we’re going to use to bring her back this time, I just needed you to know and please don’t ever forget it”   
“I won’t”   
“Good… right come on then no doubt she’ll be on the other side of the door”   
“Before we go… what IS that smell?”   
“I could tell you but it might make you puke, being a Vegan…”   
I ask no more and let her lead the way she’s not going fast enough, why is she not running? I need to get to my Little Pea, I need to put her jewellery back on because right now it feels like she doesn’t belong to me and I need her to. There’s another set of doors but no key codes this time, this is brighter, not as sterile, but there’s still the people still shuffling in pyjamas, she’s one of them now, one of them for time being, but in better nightwear because she’s Jared Leto’s wife. I should set up some kind of… foundation or something for this a charity that gives everyone slightly designer pyjamas to make them feel better about themselves because they deserve it they’re not just a disease or a condition they’re people too.   
She’s sitting cross legged on her bed when Suzanne pushes the door open to her room, sitting chewing her nails slightly, fidgeting, the colour is back in her face, she still looks frail and small but not like she’s dying not anymore.   
“Little Pea”   
“Jared I’m so sorry…”   
“Ssssshhh it’s ok, I know, I know…” I pull her into my arms after I’ve sat down on the bed with her “It’s ok, you have nothing to be sorry for I promise”   
“I missed you”   
“I know I missed you too, in fact I missed you so much I’m banned from the internet at Shannon’s”   
“Is Beast ok?”   
“He’s fine I’ll ask Suzanne if I can bring him in here to see you”   
“I have to stay again”   
“I know” I lift my hand trying to do it without her realising so I can wipe the tears from my face “But not for long and I got you new pjs for while you stay because Little Pea your fashion choices are questionable at best but I don’t think even you can pull of these gowns”   
“I’m sorry”   
“Stop apologising for something you can’t help Amelia you’re sick and you need to get better, it’s a disease and we’re going to fight it together I swear”   
“But…”   
“No buts, now, here let’s put these back on huh? You don’t feel like my wife without them” I re-dress her in her jewellery trying not to get upset when I see how big her rings are on her finger and that her necklace and bracelet are hanging differently to normal “Who do you want to see first?”   
“How pissed is the fat one?”   
“She called me a cunt and hit me”   
“Yeah I’ll see her last, can I see my Mom and Dad?”   
“Of course we’ll call them huh? Then I’ll go get some stuff for you it’s in the car, you wanna ring them from my cell?”   
“Please…” I put a kiss to her lips and she doesn’t taste right she doesn’t smell right either… pull it together Jared she’s not herself right now, soon she’ll be back to smelling and tasting like candy I’m sure. I hand her my cell and she unlocks it without asking me the code to do so, it’s a good job I don’t have anything secret on there but she wouldn’t snoop anyway these are special circum-stances and she hated the way I set my phone so that’s another reason she wouldn’t normally use it “Jared?”   
“Mmmm?”   
“Why do you have eleven missed calls from American Express?”   
“Erm…”


	23. Chapter 23

“Jared?”   
“Little Pea… what is it? Are you ok? Do you need me? Where’s Suzanne?”   
“I’m hungry…”   
I’ve been here two and a half weeks since the initial lock down. I didn’t know it was happening, well that’s not strictly true I guess I did, but sometimes I get stressed and my eating disorder be-haviours are like a comfort blanket and I needed a huge blanket to wrap round everything that happened, the attack, the wedding, V’s inability to conceive without massive amounts of stress, other women trying to kiss my husband. But usually when I let them out it’s only for a little while and then shut them away again when I’m calmer and the stress is over. Only this time I didn’t shut them all the way back in and it started leaking out of me, like a dripping tap, just drop by drop eventually making a flood. It was the virus that finished me off. I was weak already from pushing myself too far without V watching me, not eating enough, always making sure I burnt as many cal-ories as I ate and then some. Numbers, my brain was full of numbers. It’s my control, if I can con-trol me, but not the world around me everything evens up just that little bit. But when I got sick I couldn’t stop it. It was like being trapped in a cage with the Hulk I couldn’t reason with myself an-ymore I knew that it was a virus that made me puke, for nearly a week I laid with my head in the toilet bowl puking up every single little thing in my stomach right down to just yellow bile, my guts twisting and contracting. After that I just couldn’t eat everything I ate I thought ‘how bad would this be if I puked it back up?’ and the answer every time was ‘awful’ see the thing about eating disorders is distraction it’s so easy to distract and manipulate people into seeing what you want them to, and with the added bonus of having had a virus that I didn’t want to pass on to a pregnant friend or the small child of the other friend they were out of the way and not spying on me and as for Jared… Well I think he thought I’d taken the forks to make some kind of art sculpture out of or that I’d taken them to my studio. I became a master once again of ‘I’ve already eaten’ ‘I’ll grab something later’ and then the classic just sitting cutting food up so it looks like you’ve eaten when really you’ve not put the fork to your face once.   
I stopped solids and went down to liquids, smoothies, soups, soy yoghurts, then when I just couldn’t seem to make it stick to the sides I purged bringing it back up myself before my body did it for me. Then the liquids stopped my throat was burning and I was weak so weak. I don’t know how long I’d been on the floor for when he found me, half a day maybe not long enough for anyone to notice I wasn’t responding to communications.   
It wasn’t my appearance I was bothered about I think that’s a misconception with eating disorders. My appearance was at the forefront of what kicked off the original disorder yes but with me it’s control, if I can control me then I feel better and I do that by obsessing, obsessing over eating and numbers and what my body does (not vomit).   
The worst part about it is that the human body needs food and water to operate, like fuelling a car, not putting those things in it makes it horribly unpredictable, so my idea that I could control myself wasn’t really working at all. I didn’t know what I was doing, but by that point the beast was out of the cage and the real me, vaguely calm, slightly scatty, artistic genius me is locked away banging on the walls to be let out, fighting myself, always fighting to get back out. When they left me here I felt mentally like a person split in two, the half that wanted to apologise to my loved ones for all the fuss and the other half that was amazingly pissed at being told I had a problem and needed to stay put. I can’t… it’s like looking down on myself when I think back to it now, like an out of body experience I can see myself like I’m looking through someone else’s eyes.   
My beautiful lion he hurt the worst in all this, and being who he is, decided to set up a charity for people suffering with addictions, didn’t matter what to, eating disorders, drugs, drink, over eating, self-harm and what this charity does is when the person seeks help, and checks into rehab if they send proof to Emma she will send them a pair of pyjamas, pyjamas that Jared has bought himself from his own pocket. He just can’t bear the thought of people having to go through this without having something at the end of the initial lockdown that will make them feel better, something material, something that at the end of the first part of the shit. Bribery and corruption works every time. He’s sent out over twenty pairs so far across the United States.   
I miss him, I miss him so much, I hate that he’s not in bed next to me, I hate that he probably now sees me as an illness and not his wife, his whore, his submissive… It’s going to take some getting over this one, but we’re working on it. He comes to therapy some days so he gets a first-hand idea of how my brain had been working rather than hear it all through Suzanne. I’m so pleased she’s still here her daughter was just leaving college when I was here the first time and now she has a granddaughter turning sixteen. Wow   
I’ve been eating while I’ve been here but only enough to keep them off my back about it, I didn’t want to be drip fed, so I’ve been taking enough food and water to keep my body going while ther-apy puts my head straight again. And finally after two and a half weeks (I was only supposed to be here two but my blood pressure kept dropping so…) I’m finally going to admit that I’m hungry but not for anything in the hospital, so I went to check with Suzanne if I could use the kitchen on the floor I’m on she said yes and I’m hoping Jared can provide the rest. If truth be told I just want to spend some time with my husband where I’m not in therapy and now I can move around a bit without falling asleep on him or shouting at him. No I am much more rational now and I think I’ve worked out what will stick to the sides, I hope…   
“What do you want Little Pea and I will bring it to you, anything you want to eat”   
“Rice a Roni”   
“Rice a Roni?”   
“Yup the chicken flavour and Cheetos I want Cheetos”   
“Coming right up, I will be there as soon as I can ok? Have you got enough Snapple?”   
“Yuh-huh” I’ve been nearly drowning in Snapple, Vitamin Water, Chocolate Soy Milk anything they could tempt me with as soon as I said ‘yeah that’s ok’ I’ve got buckets of the stuff coming at me from everywhere and everyone. Even Tomo and Vicki sent me a crate of my favourite Vitamin Wa-ter, anything that’s not just water and my therapists are over the moon…   
“Right then little one I will be there really soon ok? Shall I bring Beast again?” He’s been bringing the cat to see me, but Beast is finding the whole thing more stressful than me he’s not been his normal self and last time he came to see me it was a trauma getting him back in his basket to go home as he just tried to sink his claws in and cling to me. We thought about just getting him a lead but he wasn’t down for it every time Jared tried to put it on he hissed at him so we gave up on that pretty quick  
“Nah, because we’ll be in the kitchen”   
“OK have you got everything else you need? Do I need to bring anything else?”   
“Nope just you…”   
“Alright Lady I’m on my way”   
He’ll get papped, he had to do an emergency Vyrt because everyone started freaking out that all of Thirty Seconds to Mars and other people close to them started spending a lot of time visiting a hospital so to set rumours to rest he sat down and let people know what was going on. He says he’s not cancelled anything for me but I’m not sure if I believe that or not… Forty minutes later and my tummy is rumbling loud enough to be heard in Santa Monica, I wonder if I could get a pizza de-livered? Maybe pizza would be a step too far to quick and I’d just throw it up? Don’t think about vomiting, don’t think about vomiting, your stomach is supposed to have food in it, it’s ok, it’s how the body is supposed to work. Another fifteen minutes and I debate calling him again because se-riously what the fuck Jared which is when I see him struggling through the doors to the ward with HUGE brown bags in his arms. He always causes a little bit of a stir (I don’t know if stir is a good term to use around people with eating disorders but I can’t think of any other to use) with the other residents both male and female and the nurses as he flounces in all hair and plaid shirts eve-ryone I swear to god fucking swoon at him (mind you they could just be fainting from lack of food and water). Well it makes me feel better knowing he’s here to see me, even if he hasn’t smiled properly in a while, and even if he’s looking a little thin and rough around the edges, I still hate eve-ry second we can’t be together because I got myself into this stupid mess… Don’t think about it like that you’re not stupid, you are unwell you have an illness and you are getting better come on Ame-lia…   
“Hey whoa what did you buy?” He kisses my lips now, at first it was just my cheek, he said I didn’t taste right, I guess now I’m coming back to my usual self so is the way I taste whatever that means.   
He lays one of the brown bags into my arms “Rice a Roni and Cheetos, you look good today, your freckles are coming back, you don’t look so… see through…”   
“Thanks, the kitchen is through here no one else ever comes in here because you know ED ward and all that but it’s a big part of therapy the whole making food to eat thing so and I am SO hun-gry…” I put the bags down on the big stainless steel island in the middle of the room and root about in the bags “Jared there’s enough in here to feed an army”   
“I didn’t know how hungry you were…” He shrugs his shoulders and slips his puffy jacket away from his body putting on the island near the bags. I don’t know why he’s wearing it, it’s really quite warm, well he’s just weird so… “Right Little Pea” his arms wrap round me from behind where I’m perched on a stool, he sways me slightly putting a kiss to the top of my head the warmth seeping from his body on to mine is heavenly I can’t wait to go home “I have never cooked Rice a Roni be-fore but there’s a first time for everything huh? OK… maybe we should have done a Vyrt of this huh?”   
He spends the next fifteen minutes cussing, dropping things, spilling water, slightly burning maca-roni, he doesn’t set anything actually on fire as in nothing bursts into flames but I do have visions of all the sprinklers coming on and the fire department coming out. Eventually there is a bowl of yellow gooey rice and macaroni put down in front of me, steam coming off it, the smell of it making my mouth salivate even though I’ve just chomped down so many Cheetos that I can’t get the or-ange tinge off my fingers no matter how hard I lick them  
“Thank you”   
“You are VERY welcome, I’ll be glad when I can cook for you at home, this place is so… so… sterile” I take a spoonful of the dish and immediately throw my spoon down bringing my hand up to cover my mouth “Amelia? Shit… fuck its ok… it’s just food”   
“It’s really fucking HOT food” In my excitement I hadn’t blown on the food on my spoon or thought about the temperature of it just shovelled it in and dropped my spoon in shock my hand in front of my mouth trying to somehow fan and cool down the food IN my mouth   
He just laughs “Oh ok… slowly Amelia… slowly”   
“Tell me what’s going on at home”   
“Not a lot since yesterday and the last time you asked… I still miss you like crazy of course but I’ve been trying to get back into a routine of writing and recording and all my other Jared things as you would say… have you spoken to V?”   
“Yeah she went into pretend labour, said Jamie was nearly pulling his hair out and she was just sat eating ice cream”   
“That’s not how he told it, well it kind of his but she was puffing and panting and doing all her La-mar’s stuff in between mouthfuls of Ben and Jerry perfectly calm just like it’s ok it’s not really hap-pening”   
“Braxton Hicks”   
“Huh”   
“It’s called Braxton Hicks, it’s really common”   
“Not common enough for him to know about, he was still freaked when I saw him earlier… every-one’s looking forward to you coming home you know”   
“No parties Jared, I just want to slip back into life without a massive fuss ok?”   
He sighs deeply, he’s got the watching me eat without making it obvious down to an art now, one eye on my face, one eye on my food he thinks I don’t know but I’ve been here before remember, I know what Suzanne will have told him “Ok, no parties but I don’t think you’ll be able to stop the slew of visitors, and Harry will need to show you her new party piece”   
“Which is?”   
“She rolled over, apparently this is HUGE I thought she did it all the time, Shannon kept telling her to do it like telling a dog to do a trick and she just burped at him and kicked her legs in the air, she loves her toes that one… I kind of wish I could eat my toes…”   
“Urgh Jared that’s kind of gross babies toes are cute”   
“Are you saying my toes aren’t cute? I’m offended…” This is what our conversations have become they’re not stilted but they’re not… what they were we talk yes, but I think we’ve had to talk so much in my therapy that it’s taken all the joy out of speaking to each other. And I know he HATES coming here, he’s ok for the first five minutes maybe even half an hour then something will re-mind him like a slap to the face why it is that I’m here and he gets fidgety. Shannon told me that he cries every time he leaves, well I cry too when he’s not here when I can’t sit next to him on our couch, when he’s not in bed beside me, because I have to sleep in this horrible rubber mattress hospital bed with sterile sheets. I just hope… that this won’t end us, that I’ve scared him too much, or that he can’t cope with the idea of having the burden of caring for me on his shoulders. I guess only time will tell.   
“You’ve got very cute feet and you wanna eat them hey you go ahead, I’m sticking to the Rice a Roni thanks Leto” 

It’s D-Day home time, my bag is packed and at the door, it has been since the crack of dawn I’ve not been to sleep I’m too excited. I’ve given away all the toiletries that I had left to the other resi-dents I don’t want to take it home with me, the less reminders I have of this place the better, that’s why I asked V and Char to bring me stuff I don’t usually use so when I got home I could cover myself in me again. I leave some pyjamas that I hadn’t gotten round to wearing with the nurses and tell them to give them to whoever needs them the most, and as for the ones I’ve had on while I’ve been here I tell them to send them to the incinerator. I’m dressed in yoga pants and a tank top that Emma brought in for me, there would be no good in asking Jared to bring me clothes or I’d be standing here in a dress with knee socks and sky high heels while he stares at my ass. Plus it wouldn’t be comfortable for the last part of this ordeal to happen in. Therapy.   
“Now, look I know you’re both excited to get Amelia home, lord knows she’s been up since the crack of dawn giving away all her things, but we’re still going to have to do this ok? Amelia?”   
“Yup”   
“Ok Jared?”   
“Yuh huh”   
“Right ok good, Amelia is there anything that’s concerning you about going home? And remember there’s no holds barred here…”   
“Erm… well erm…” I can’t even look at Jared we’re sat side by side on a big old ruby red leather couch while Suzanne sits on a plastic chair opposite us a coffee table between us littered with tis-sue boxes and pamphlets on eating disorders and therapy options “Jared… I’m still your wife”   
“I know that Little Pea” He gives me a reassuring smile and a squeeze to my hand   
“No I mean erm… when we get home please don’t think you’re going to hurt me or break me if erm… when we…”   
“You mean I should still think of you as my whore? My precious submissive?” How is he so open about stuff like this? That’s why he is the dom and I’m in the sub probably   
“Well yes, and not just an illness”   
“Jared how do you feel about that? Do you think this episode is going to impact your physical rela-tionship once Amelia returns home?”   
“No I don’t think so… I mean I’m just as attracted to her now as I always was, probably more so, in fact I would say I feel an added pressure now to reassure her that I am attracted to her and that she is beautiful because I’m worried if I don’t she’ll think she’s not perfect, which she is and re-lapse again”   
“Thank you Jared that was very honest, Amelia?”   
“I know you think I’m hot or whatever and you know I think you’re mad for thinking that, so that’s nothing new, please don’t think like it’s got to be a tick list I have to tell Amelia x amount of times today that’s she’s beautiful, it should be organic like it always was, and I will ask you I’m sure when I’ve got a huge spot or my tummy is sticking out a little bit if you still think I’m pretty and you’ll an-swer yes… ok?”   
“OK Can we go home… sorry Suzanne, I’ve been good, I’ve stuck to the rules, I’ve not tried to bust her out I’ve listened to what you’ve had to say but I just want to take my wife home, put her in a bath and wash this place away from her skin, make her smell and taste like her again, wrap her up in my camo poncho that she uses as a blanket, let her nap with the cat on her knee while I write songs about how the light in the apartment strikes her hair in such a way it looks like it’s literally on fire, and I know we still… she has to still have therapy sessions, but look at her, she’s put weight back on her freckles are back, she looks good”   
“Looking good on the surface can be far from the truth of what’s lurking beneath it Jared but on this occasion yes take her home, I know it’s the best place for her… Now for the first week I will call you daily and we will have another therapy session HERE if Jared needs to be part of it then so be it, but for now go… go on… go reacquaint yourselves, and take care of each other, Amelia I’ll speak to you later ok?”   
“OK thanks Suzanne”   
“You’re welcome now go on scat” She goes back to making notes in her jotter and Jared literally drags me from the office and out of the ward doors, my feet are struggling to keep up. As we get closer to the main entrance it feels like I’m coming out of a coma or something the light is so bright and warm on my skin, like I’m emerging from a tomb maybe that’s a better description. I see the familiar sight of Shannon’s Range Rover in front of the doors which throws me off guard, because why’s he here?   
Then I get really confused as Jared tries to put his coat over my head, what? What are you doing you weirdo? “The fuck Jared?”   
“Just…” I see them even through the thickness of his coat that’s over my head, the flashes, the pops of bulbs, the clicking of shutters, the barrage of questions that sounds like it’s just one big noise and I can’t decipher one particular voice. There’s another click which must be the car door opening and I’m shoved quite un-ceremonially in the back of it where the first thing I do is wrestle myself free from the confines of his coat   
“Why are there so many paps?”   
“Because big mouth here blabbed on twitter you were coming home today” I’m struggling to get my eyes to adjust but I can see Shannon clearly in the driver’s seat giving Jared death stares as we buckle in. Why do they care didn’t Kimye get married this week? Shouldn’t they all be in France? Not caring about me leaving an unglamorous public hospital in Los Angeles?   
“Oh…” I wind down the window before anyone can stop me fuelled by the adrenaline of being outside for the first time in weeks (and on my way home) “YOU CAN ALL GO HOME NOW, BE-CAUSE I AM GOING HOME TOO, THANK YOU GOOD BYE” Shannon rolls the window closed via the controls on his steering wheel as we speed out of the parking lot and I don’t know who’s laughing more, me, Jared or Shannon   
“Little Pea…” He shuffles across the back seat up to me, wrapping himself around me all lion limbs and beard nuzzling into me “You’re such a goof what the fuck?”   
“Well they should go home, I’m going home, story over”   
“I think somehow Little Pea the story is just beginning”   
Shannon doesn’t stay, he just drops us off in the garage level and says he’ll see us soon, with Char and Harry and probably their Mom too just for good measure. Things are quiet in the elevator up to our floor, as soon as the doors open it hits me the smell of home and I feel the tears spring up in my eyes, but at the same time my mind is flooded with doubt, what if this is too soon, what if I can’t take care of myself, what if it all happens again? “Ready?”   
“Yup”   
“I feel like I should carry you over the threshold again”   
“You can if you want” He unlocks the door and pushes it open, our lovely home bathed in after-noon light, warmth radiating out of the door, the smell of us, just me and him, clean laundry, cook-ing, shampoo, aftershave perfume… Unlike when we returned as man and wife for the first time I’m not thrown over his shoulder with a slap to my ass, instead I’m lifted from my feet and cradled to his chest, carried into the apartment and put down on our couch as he goes back to close the door.   
He’s cleaned, or he’s had someone in to clean, when I left, well… it had gotten like a tomb, I’d cre-ated a tomb, almost like a death bed for myself. Dark, dank, musty, drab, would be how to de-scribe but now it’s clean and bright, fresh and there’s so many flowers littered around I wonder where they’ve all come from. Sweet Peas and Roses. Everything feels clean, the throw on the couch is freshly laundered I know because there were stains on it were I spilt a yoghurt. OK I threw the yoghurt down in frustration whatever but the stain has gone. Beast gets to me first jumping up on to my knees with a loud meow and an even louder purr.   
“Tea Little Pea?”   
“Raspberry please, it’s really clean in here”   
“Yeah your Mom and my Mom came in while I was staying at Shannon’s and cleaned everything from top to toe, I’ve been afraid to sit down in case I spill something or wrinkle something since I came back”   
“Well that’s fairly erm… embarrassing”   
“They didn’t find anything interesting”   
“You mean they didn’t find Satan”   
“Nope, padlocking the drawer under the bed was the best idea we ever had… never mind crawling babies pulling sex toys out it stopped over enthusiastic cleaning Moms finding anything either”   
He puts a mug of tea, my favourite mug of course down on the table in front of me and then sits down beside me. It’s like we have forgotten how to touch each other, I want to get back into the (sex) swing of things so I snuggle up to him first just curling my legs underneath myself then wrap my arms around him, he freezes for a moment and then he just falls to pieces, he slumps into my embrace letting his whole body weight lean against me, and he… he cries… we both cry, we sit on the couch limbs tangled around each other just clinging reassuring ourselves we’re both still there still alive, maybe a little bit dented around the edges but we have made it through the worst of it. There are no words, but small touches and big cuddles speak without verbal communication. We cry until we stop, until there’s no more tears left to be shed for that day. The cat stays with us throughout rubbing his chin all over us. I read somewhere that’s how they mark their human terri-tory it’s where their scent glands are which is why they’ll rub around your legs or the arm of a chair it’s his way of making us his again.   
When the tears are done, nothing is said about them, because there’s nothing to be said about them we know why we were crying… We eat and I please both him and myself by eating a bowl of pasta and sauce, the second it hits my lips it’s like it’s feeding my soul, warming me through where I’ve felt cold for weeks. I even have a second helping, not that I make it very far into it, I think I got slightly ahead of myself there.   
I check my messages which are sparse because Steph’s been handling everything, the company I sell my artwork through have taken her on to payroll as well as the TV company so she’s mine for everything now. There’s only a few personal emails from old college friends wishing me a speedy recovery and offering words of support and understanding from people that have been through similar ordeals. I call the ward and check in with Suzanne, for my first week at home I have to keep a diary of not only what I eat but everything else and how it makes me feel when I do it… She’s pleased I’m home safe, some patients that have been institutionalised even if it has been for a very short period of time can find returning to the real world incredibly stressful, as an example think about the released in mates in the Shawshank Redemption it’s like that only without the hanging yourself although I’m sure some people have…   
At some point I fall asleep on the couch, Jared is washing the pots, checking his messages, talking to Emma, the last thing I remember clearly was him reminding me to take my medication (a sort of antidepressant for people with eating disorders and OCD tendencies) he handed them to me with a glass of juice, I took them then I must have just curled back up and gone back to sleep. The warmth and sensation of being home again made me feel so safe. I’d been sleeping in hospital of course (they drugged me a couple of times before I went crazy from sleep deprivation) but it’s not like sleeping at home, even when you’re on holiday relaxed and comfortable enough to sleep, it’s still not like sleeping at home, nothing is like sleeping at home.   
He carries me to bed, the comforter already pulled back and lays me down on my side, my book and glasses still on the nightstand untouched since I left (although no doubt cleaned around). I pull my tank top and shorts off and decided to just sleep in my underwear to save moving about and finding pyjamas. He sheds his own clothes and slips in beside me engulfing us under the comfort-er. Finally I can feel his skin against mine, his warm soft perfect skin, my mind starts to race my core heats up, it’s like a floodgate of sexual feelings open but before I can think about letting them out he slings himself over me harder and further than usual so I’m almost being crushed into the mattress, his limbs are wound so tightly through mine it’s like being in the grip of a Boa Constrictor.   
“Good night Little Pea”   
As his beard brushes tickles against the side of my neck I feel myself fall again, fall into a deep sleep, safe knowing I’m home and everything is going to be ok. 

I freak out when I wake up, everything’s so quiet I’m unsure as to where I am. On the ward there would always be noise, the clattering of trolleys and trays, shouting and complaining, the rumble of the rest of the hospital the Los Angeles traffic in the distance but there’s nothing. I feel as if I’m deaf. I freak out and wonder if I’m having a sleep paralysis episode (there’s all kinds of side effects with my new medications) then things start moving or more Jared starts moving snuffling into my hair where he’s still slung over me all warm and soft, only there’s one part of him that’s not warm and soft right now and it’s rock hard and poking me in the thigh well hello Mr Leto.   
I snuggle myself down slightly wrapping my arms around his middle and push my lips to his neck at which point he stirs “Lil pea?”   
“Mmm?” I’m getting carried away with tasting him, my toes are curling in pleasure and he’s not even properly awake yet   
“Time is it?” I huff and move away from him slightly to look at my watch, I don’t usually wear one but I needed a way to track time when I was in the hospital so my Mom found me the Snoopy watch that had been my very first watch when I was five and then cried when it still fit around my wrist because of the weight I’d lost   
“Just after eight”   
“We’ve been asleep for TWELVE hours?”   
“WHAT?”   
“It was just gone eight when I carried you in here last night, you were out like a light I couldn’t keep my eyes open much after so yeah we’ve been asleep for twelve hours”   
“I can’t remember the last time I slept that long”   
“Me either… right DON’T get up, I… I’ll be right back ok?” He pulls himself out of my embrace and tosses the comforter back, in the morning light he’s so glorious, he really is like a Roman god, all chiselled and tanned, scratching his butt as he walks away which makes me giggle. I hear the clatter of kitchen cupboards and faucets running, the toilet flushing and he comes back in the room with my meds and a drink “I erm… this looks weird huh? Like take your mind control drugs Amelia… but look just let ME look after you for a couple of days ok? I know your capable and blah blah blah but please Little Pea”   
“It’s ok Jared thank you, I’d probably have forgotten about them” I swallow down my meds with a mouthful of cool juice that he’s brought me in my Hello Kitty glass, yes I am an adult whatever “Are you getting back into bed? I’m not ready to get up… yet…” Now see here what I would really like to say ‘Jared take your pants off and get down here and fuck me’ BUT this is like almost starting from the beginning again so slowly and softly, suggestive not aggressively forward ripping my under-wear off and throwing it at him   
“You read my mind…” He slips once again between the sheets and lets me snuggle back up to him, I feel that he’s letting me take the lead here unsure on how far he can push me. I’m not saying that right now I wouldn’t enjoy being tied to myself and blindfolded as he spanks me and calls me a slut but we both know that something else has to happen here, we have to go back to zero maybe just this time but it has to happen like this.   
I want to kiss him and lick him and bite him and touch him everywhere, I want my finger tips to re-member the feel of his skin, the little bit of dry skin on his elbows, the sparse soft hair across his chest, the taught skin that covers his thigh muscles. He’s making appreciative noises but I get the impression that something isn’t quite right “You’re not going to hurt me”   
“I know”   
“Am I hurting you?”   
“No… it’s just… god this is so fucking hard… just… hang on…” He pins me on my back on the mat-tress the comforter pushed on to the floor where Beast takes the opportunity to make a nest in it “I feel like…”   
“Jared?”   
“Keep still and quiet” It’s far from his usual dominating tone but it’s still there the command to submit even if it is only in a really small amount. I do as he asks and he moves to remove my un-derwear so I’m naked and he’s looking down on me, I can feel all the little hairs that cover my body standing on end as he brushes over me, supporting his full weight on his arms he lowers himself on top of me carefully. He covers my body in kisses, just touching, letting his hands reread the novel of my being, I feel as if I’m on fire, and freezing cold at the same time, and all the while I can feel his dick digging into me wherever he is against me. I need him inside me, I need him to make me cum I need it like a hunger I’ve never known before. We’ve gone six weeks without physical sex before yes but there was Skype and phone filth mutual masturbation, right now I feel like a virgin, I know how sex works but I forgot how it feels, the need the desire the hunger is all racing back to me, right back to the centre of my being. I can feel how wet I am without using my fingers, my core is as hot as the sun, and I’m getting uncomfortable in my need for him. FINALLY he shuffles out of his briefs and I’m taken back, I forget, if you don’t see something every day you forget certain de-tails, and I seem to have forgotten the sheer size of him and panic, much like our first time togeth-er I have thoughts of it’s not going to fit, it’s not going to fit “Are you ok?”   
“Yes”   
“I’m going to go slow Amelia, promise you’ll tell me if I hurt you huh?” I part my thighs and let them fall out against the mattress without taking my eyes off him, there’s a sparkle back in his eyes this morning that’s so much so I can see my reflection in them. He does his amazing balance act of rest-ing his body weight on one hand and uses the other to ease himself into me, but not before he’s rubbed his dick up the length of my slit, teased the head around my wildly throbbing clit that’s so swollen I’d probably have a hard time sitting down right now. I sigh in frustration and that wicked grin spreads across his face, before his expression changes to stern, and while we’re being gentle he’s letting me know that he’s still there that dominance just lurking underneath the surface and there’s only so much he’s going to let me get away with regardless of what’s happened. I feel my-self stretch out as he finally begins to enter me, and when I think that’s it he’s in he’ll start to move there’s more of him still to go, a moan passes my lips before I realise I’m making it “Stay really still”   
Jared I am as still as I can be right now “You’re not hurting me”   
“Good but if you move it’s going to be over in about three strokes and you have no idea how badly I need to feel you cum before I do so just gimme a minute ok?”   
I stay as still as I can, blush spreading up my cheeks over the fact that I’ve gotten Jared Leto so over excited just by being here and naked that he’s gonna blow if I do anything even vaguely ‘alluring’. Slowly but surely his hips start to move, mine mirroring the movements, this really isn’t going to take long at all. I have gone from I’m an ill woman to I am a goddess of fuck with the simple remov-al of my underwear. It’s him it’s what he does to me, when he’s in me and on me like this, my mind is a jumble not just of how he looks now but how he’s always looked my mind is a catalogue of Jared porn, the way he looks in the UTA video with that white shirt undone to nearly his tummy button, his cute amazing sexy belly button that I can touch right now if I move my hand between us. I start moving my hands again, helping my legs tighter around his waist pulling him closer, grab-bing him, pinching him, stroking him, and fondling him. His mouth finally finds my breasts and he acts like a man who’s been starved for a month that’s just has a hot meal put in front of him and I cry out as his teeth meet the flesh at the top of my right boob. There’s profanities coming from both of us as we writhe around the bed, him desperate to make me cum and me desperate for him to make me cum. I’ve been so tense, but hey you try relapsing and spending three weeks in what is essentially a glorified mental institution, but now with him inside me, connected to me again I can feel that tension seeping out, leaking from the tips of my toes and off the top of my head. My core is so happy, happy she’s got her favourite toy back, and is positively purring heating up, pulling me in all the right places. He manipulates me so he’s on his knees in between my legs me spread out like butter on toast in front of him, his hands grabbing pushing kneading. My arms are thrown out to the sides for leverage as my back pushes away from the mattress it’s so close, it’s so close and… and… and… I can see myself as if I’m at the top of the first drop on a rollercoaster and the car starts rolling down the hill slowly at first then picking up rapid speed.   
“Oh Jesus fucking Christ” I move my arms quickly so I can grip his forearms as I cum, and as my pleasure is easing slightly I open my eyes and look to him and he’s going to cum I know it I can see it in his eyes and then I feel it, he tenses, he swells, he takes a deep breath which pushes his chest forwards expanding his ribcage and he cums moaning like a wild animal filling me to the point I know it’s not going to be a wet patch it’s going to be a small puddle.   
“Well see there’s that…” he puts a little kiss to the end of my nose, smiling widely so his eyes crin-kle at the corners, it’s the only way I know he actually is in his forties and not a vampire Dorian Grey cyborg from the future “I think I may have just lost ten lb in cum there, so yeah… shall we get in the shower before we’re laid in a swimming pool?”   
“Sounds good to me” I’m quicker than him in moving, but I suppose he really did all the work there and I race him into the bathroom so I can pee before he comes in. I have drunk enough liquid in the past three weeks to sink the fucking titanic, I don’t think I’ve ever peed so much, I’m like a pregnant elephant camel. And I know I asked V and Char… and neither of them went through this and they had babies pushing on their bladders maybe it’s my new tablets   
“HEY! The door is locked I wanted to shower with you”   
“And I needed to pee” I flush the toilet and pad over to the door unlocking it and letting him in   
“Oh…”   
“Yeah Oh…”   
“You’re back”   
“Yeah I’m home”   
“No I mean you’re back” He turns the shower on letting it heat up, making sure that all the neces-sary things are in there, shampoo, shower gel, his shower cap in the shape of a duck (yes in the shape of a duck I don’t even know, I didn’t buy it for him he came with it, it’s like sacred or some-thing). While it heats up I make sure there’s enough towels (because he’ll use at least three and then throw them on the floor to go mouldy). He grabs me by the wrist and spins me into his body with some conviction I collide with his chest and he puts a finger down and lifts my gaze up to him “You are you again, something’s happened you are once again my slightly sarcastic weird wife, I can’t… I can’t see the illness anymore Amelia all I see is you…”   
“I still smell like the hospital though”   
“I know get in the shower we’ll soon sort that out”   
We stand under the spray he washes me, and I let him, I know it’s what he has to do. All the time I was in there his main complaint or rather his main concern is that I didn’t smell right, didn’t taste right. My memory is strongly connected to my sense of smell (and colour certain colours too but that’s probably just the artist talking) and I didn’t want to smell my things and be constantly re-minded of home nor did I want to in days, weeks, months, years into the future be washing myself and be reminded of my time in the hospital because of the smell, so I was using just whatever CVS had on offer in pretty bottles that Char and V brought me (again because you can’t leave Jared in charge of that kind of thing or I would have ended up with that face cream made out of actual dia-monds and maybe some Smells Like Teen Spirit deodorant for shits and giggles). But now I’m washed head to toe in my Philosophy body wash, and after he’s washed my hair with my TIGI Honey and Oatmeal shampoo and conditioner I scrub my face with my Clinque face wash (I swear I must have scrubbed a whole layer of skin off my face it’s been so long) and we clamber out drip-ping wet, giggling, him wrapping me in a huge fluffy towel  
“Better?”   
I get two kisses one to the end of my nose and one to my lips and he inhales deeply “Much better”   
*****************************************************************************************   
“Hi… wow sorry, it seems I only get to talk to you all like this when there’s been a crisis… but I sup-pose that’s what this platform is for, I could talk to you all about mass communication theory like did you know about soap powder and eye levels? Supermarket psychology it’s big business people make a fortune out of it” I hear a cough off camera that’s come from Jared. I’m facing down the Vyrt camera once again for the sake of well a few things “ANYWAY yes this is for the good and the bad and I suppose the ugly too just to round things off…” Another cough, yes alright Jared, I get it you let me use your toy blah blah blah “Firstly I want to say thank you for all your kind words of support and well wishes for recovery if it takes me the rest of my life I swear I will read ALL of them and I’m just sorry I can’t reply because each one is so personal and individual that to send out a blanket response in letter or email form would be a crime… Secondly thank you for taking care of Jared while I have been unwell, and I mean all of you… there’s probably some of you sitting in some far flung corner of the world wondering how the hell you helped take care of Jared thou-sands of miles away in Los Angeles, well let me tell you that you ALL did, knowing that each and every one of you are out there rooting for me, for us, making sure HE’S ok means the world to both of us… thirdly PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you are suffering in any way with anything reach out for help, do not let it pull you under, you are all more than whatever it is you’re struggling with, everyone is entitled to help, talk to people in real life or on the internet talk to me, talk to Jared, don’t talk to Shannon he’ll just give you an answer in a riddle about coffee well maybe that’ll be what makes you feel better who am I to say? And FINALLY yes me and Jared…” I look up to him lurking behind the camera where he’s stood with Emma and Shayla “Jared will you come sit with me? Please?”   
“Of course…” He sits down on the couch beside me, his hair tied up, his beard is HUGE today, should have had two cameras one for just his facial furniture. There’s a sweet kiss put to my tem-ple and his arm winds round my back, his fingers stroking across the exposed skin on my hip where my top has folded up slightly and my jeans slipped down   
“What I suppose we BOTH want to say is that yes we are private people, the press, the photogra-phers, it’s hard, and scary to be honest but you out there if you see us out and about please come and say hello don’t be scared, and please don’t think you can’t talk to me about my illness, please don’t feel the need to dance around the fact that I was addicted to starving myself…” He tenses beside me, I have adopted quite a blunt approach to things while he can’t bring himself to say eat-ing disorder without clenching his jaw “And Jared’s offer still stands”   
“And always will”   
“If you check yourself into rehab WE will send you a pair of pyjamas, I think it’s not just pyjamas anymore it’s kind of a… kit thing, something to make you feel better, a reward for good behav-iour… and it’s for guys AND girls… RIGHT I now have to insert myself back into life”   
“Don’t say insert”   
I turn my head and pull a puzzled expression at him knowing that it’s going to be a gif all over Tum-blr before the camera is turned off “ANYWAY goodbye thanks for listening, watching you know all being out there and being awesome or whatever and be nice to each other” I put my hands to my lips and blow a big kiss into the camera I’m never sure how sign off on these things   
“Bye guys thanks again for caring about me and my Little Pea and we’ll look forward to seeing you… soon” Emma signals that the camera is now off, not rolling or whatever technical jargon you want to spout but it’s off as in the world can’t see us anymore “Ok Little Pea?”   
“Yeah was that alright?”   
“It was fantastic, you’re always straight to point which is one of the many reasons I love you… RIGHT the fat one will be here in a minute Jamie text to say they were coming over” I’d seen V ONCE when I was in the hospital, we texted and talked on the phone but she’s really struggling, she’s too hot, her blood pressure is all over the place, her feet are so swollen she can’t get shoes on and on top of all that Jamie stresses her out because he’s stressed out about her so we agreed that she came to see me once made sure I was ok then she would see me again when I was home and we could talk about things properly. I’m excited to see her of course but her pregnancy has made her really aggressive, she can’t stop shouting it’s pretty funny but I have a feeling a lot of it is going to be aimed at me today, and she’ll have Jamie with her fussing about her blood pressure. I feel like I need to brace myself for the oncoming force that is a pregnant Veronica Reed “Before they get here though I want to talk to you about something…”   
“Like what?” I look up and see Emma and Shayla unplugging things packing things up, answering phones totally oblivious to me and Jared even being in the room “I feel like you’re up to some-thing”   
“Well erm… yes… the apartment next door…” There’s only two apartments on the top floor, ours and another which has been empty for years, as long as I’ve lived here I think an elderly couple lived there who went into a retirement home that’s what one of my downstairs neighbours told me anyway “… it’s for sale, or rather it was for sale, so I erm bought it”   
“Just like that? Didn’t think to talk to me wife about it?”   
“I’m talking to you now aren’t I? I’ve not knocked down any walls… yet”   
“NOW hold up here Leto didn’t you ever see Sex in the City where Aiden bought the apartment next to Carrie’s and was going to knock them through but then they split up because she was an apple and he was a PC and she had to pawn Charlotte’s engagement ring from Troy to buy him out and…”   
He raises a hand and I can see from the corner of my eye Emma and Shayla killing themselves with silent laughter “OK I have NO idea what you just said you may as well have just said it all in French”   
“Maintenant écouter ici Leto ne vous rappelez-vous ...” He puts his hand actually over my mouth to shut me up and gives me an incredibly stern look   
“Yes ok I forget you speak French so erm bad example but look, we are married, I’m not going an-ywhere and we are both apples whatever that means I think… I bought it because I need more space, I need an office here, a proper office not just a box room with a bed in it as well as a desk and wouldn’t you like to have some proper painting space up here? HUH?”   
I have oh so many things to say right now, this is so like Jared, he just does things, it’s not because he forgets we’re married and should make decisions like this together this is just what he does when he thinks something is right “What’s wrong with the Lab?”   
“Nothing is wrong with the Lab”   
“Jared this is our home, please don’t turn it in to an office, please… if I wanted to live somewhere with people coming and going and a studio I would live in the Lab”   
“No Little Pea, I’m not going to make it into something like that at all… Just wouldn’t you like a walk in closet huh? One big enough to hang ALL your clothes up in as opposed to sharing with me? A kitchen with a proper island in the middle? An extra bedroom for…”   
“For what?”   
“Well you know…”   
“A BABY?” Emma and Shayla both make a HA sound in unison   
“NO god NO, but wouldn’t it be nice if your brother and Katie could stay here? Jack too? And it’d be massively helpful if I could have some kind of mini studio set up here with a soundproof booth, you know I like to do things in the middle of the night and this way I won’t have to drive down to the Lab in my pyjamas… Shannon LOVES a building project and he said he’d do all the plans”   
“So Shannon knew before I did? Jared how long ago did you buy it?”   
“Erm…”   
“Jared…”   
“When we were in London I bought it, and I was going to tell you but then erm…”   
“OK firstly you’re mental, secondly we’re going to have some kind of legal thing drawn up with regards to ownership etc…” I can’t believe this my beloved home has been taken over by Jared Leto, who wants to knock walls down and… I should be fuming but to be honest if I’d have known it was for sale I would have bought it too, even if we weren’t married and just had my studio up here, it would save a fortune in rent on somewhere I hardly seem to be these days “THIRDLY Jared Leto if you and Shannon in ANYWAY mess with my bathroom so help me god I will end the pair of you ok?”   
“Ok… any other demands?”   
“Can I have a skylight? Like a dome thing?”   
“Sure…” We turn as the front door flies open (she has a key of course so I don’t even get the warn-ing of buzzing her in from downstairs) and V comes in full charge throwing her purse on the floor as she goes   
“YOU FUCKING TIT AMELIA YOU FUCKING TIT I AM TOO FUCKING PREGNANT TO DEAL WITH YOU GOING ALL EATING DISORDER ON ME YOU STUPID FUCKING COW, WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING? FUCKING SPOONS AND LITTLE CUPS AND NOT EVEN DRINKING HOW WERE YOU SWALLOWING YOUR PILL? DRY? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED… RIGHT I’VE DE-VISED A NEW EXCERICISE PLAN FOR YOU… WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING JARED LETO? YOU STAY RIGHT THERE I AM IN NO WAY DONE WITH YOU, I NEED TO SIT THE FUCK DOWN MY FUCK-ING FEET ARE SO FUCKING SWOLLEN LOOK AT ME IM WEARING JAMIE’S COMBAT BOOTS I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING CHILD IN HER MOMMY’S HIGHHEELS THIS IS BULLSHIT I SWEAR TO GOD, SOME-ONE MAKE ME SOME FUCKING TEA, AND MAKE HER SOME AS WELL AND SOMETHING TO EAT SHE’S STILL TOO FUCKING THIN AND…” she pauses and sits down in Jared’s leather chair hiccups takes a deep breath in and keeps going “I AM SO FUCKING DONE WITH BEING PREGNANT”   
“Jesus fucking Christ Veronica your testosterone is through the roof, I thought you were having one baby as in singular you’ve got enough aggression to fuel a high school football team, calm down sit down and breathe… Hey Jamie”   
“I’ll make some tea” Emma is shaking her head moving towards the kitchen and out of the firing line, she doesn’t need to play waitress to me or Jared, I bitch at him when he makes her go get him tea, going to Starbucks for him is fine because she can be in and out in five minutes he’ll be in there for hours faffing about talking to people but when we’re at home or whatever Jesus Jared get off your ass and make your own freaking tea you’re not a child   
“I’ll help”   
“OH NO YOU WON’T LETO I TOLD YOU I’M NOT DONE WITH YOU”   
“Jamie how the fuck are you coping with this?” Jared looks to Jamie who is sat on the arm of the chair V has wedged herself into, he’s looking at Jared but doesn’t answer like he’s in his own world “Jamie?” Jared waves his arms in front of his friend to get his attention and still nothing, so V el-bows him in the thigh which brings him out of his daze and the first thing he does is take out ear plugs that I hadn’t even realised he had in   
“Sorry… it’s the only way… I think I’m going to go deaf soon… and blind”   
“Blind?” I look at V with a confused face   
“My new thing restless limb syndrome when I’m asleep I’ve started kicking and punching most of the punches land on Jamie’s face”   
“I think you’re becoming a guy, I thought it was supposed to be the other way round, shouldn’t you be crying over puppies?”   
“Fucking puppies, stupid furry everywhere urgh”   
“How long is left?”   
“FIVE MONTHS” cry Jamie and V in unity.   
Five months? Jesus…   
*******************************************************************************************  
“Ok Amelia, you ready? Feeling ok? You can do this…”   
You know those old trust exercises where you’d fall backwards and someone would catch you? Well welcome to the twenty first century Los Angeles version AKA trapeze, yes I said trapeze… Here’s why, V worked out (with Suzanne) a new exercise regime for me to follow, where exercise is fun, and it’s not just done to count calories like running, and cycling, so instead I’m doing more interesting things like indoor rock climbing and roller skating (yes roller skating, it’s not going well to say the least). ANYWAY because apparently me and Jared have ‘issues’ seriously show me a cou-ple that doesn’t… but our issue is more my issue that I didn’t trust him enough to speak to him about how I was feeling in regards to my eating disorder, all it would have really taken was for me to say Jared my head feels a bit wonky and I can’t eat and he’d have gotten me help within the hour only I couldn’t tell him, I don’t know why THAT’S WHY I’m in therapy. A lot was to do with me not realising myself what was going on and then when I did it was too late and he found me… well you know… SO trust exercise is trapeze and no I’m not wearing a glittery costume and no Jared isn’t wearing a leotard and I’ve hidden the galaxy meggings so sadly I suppose he’s just in track pants, but he is shirtless I don’t even know why. And because this is something new and totally ludicrous EVERYONE has to turn up and gawk, well really just Shannon and Char but Char’s filming this on her phone.   
SO all I have to do is swing upside down and grab Jared’s hands, that’s simple right? FIFTY foot in the air, I’m not good with heights, how did I let myself get persuaded into this? I missed once and fell to the net no big deal it’s like a big trampoline. But the second time he dropped me, well he let me slip and then cried and it went a bit Amazing Spiderman so he’s up there on his trapeze yelling NOOOOOOOOOO and I’m on the net going ‘alright Peter Parker I’m not Gwen Stacy’ yeah he didn’t know what I was talking about because I have terrible taste in cinema I swear some days I don’t know WHY we are married. Right Amelia head in the game. First thing I do is make sure my boobs are in my sports bra and strapped down tight I had to buy a new one because my old was too big around my back and kept slipping so I got a face full of boob, much to my embarrassment and Jared’s delight of course. Make sure my butt isn’t sticking out the top of my leggings, nope all good he’s already swinging making it look so easy… Look at me like a lion in the circus, literally.   
“Right, ready”   
“Good all you’ve got to do is reach out for your husband, he’ll do the rest”   
First of all you’ve got to swing, you’ve got to grip on to the bar and point your legs out build up and momentum before turning yourself upside down your knees hooked over the bar, now it’s actually easier than it sounds it’s basically a big swing in the playground and I used to love swinging when I was a kid, I also had a thing for climbing trees and hanging upside down so this just feels like that but fancier. OK Jared here we go…  
“Come on Little Pea, reach for my hands…” I put my arms out but I just can’t stretch far enough so I swing back and build up a bit more steam   
“I can’t reach”   
“Yes you can”   
“You’re going to drop me”   
“No Amelia I’m not I need you to trust me” My fingers connect with his wrists and I grab as hard as I can, he’ll probably have bruises, won’t be the first time and opposed to me letting go he pulls me off my trapeze, I put myself in the position to fall and I hear gasps from the collected crowd below but he holds me tight “Alright?”   
“Yeah you? You look funny upside down…”   
“I’m fine, I hate the idea of letting you go it’s freaking me out to be honest”   
“Can you swing out a bit more?”   
“Huh?”   
“Swing me I want to try something…” The motion that we had begun to build again, the air flow helping me feel lighter I’m sure. I’m gonna do something swanky, well kind of swanky, my instruc-tor when I was practising with him not Jared and he showed me how to do it   
“Amelia what are you doing?”   
“Shush your beardy face I’m concentrating” I kick my legs out as far as I can  
“Amelia”   
“You’re supposed to trust me too you know”   
“AND YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE DOMESTICS FIFTY FOOT IN THE AIR”   
Yeah thanks Char. Right come on body let’s go, display some grace for once in your life coordinate yourself please, I swing out one last time and I let go of him and for a horrible moment I think that he’s not going to let go of me, I mean Jared how else are we supposed to get down? But let go he does and I manage to somersault mid-air and land on the net with a little bit of grace.   
“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK LITTLE PEA?” He slips off his own trapeze and just falls, no grace or style just falls landing on his butt bouncing on the net sending my balance off causing me the land in a heap on top of him   
“Hey”   
“Hello wife…” He wraps his arms round me “Do you trust me now?”   
“I’m sure this was an excuse for you to just show off”   
“Says the woman who just impressively somersaulted through the air”   
“OUCH don’t poke me”   
“I didn’t poke you OUCH don’t you poke me”   
“Your niece is poking you” I look down through the net and see Shannon stood with Harry is his arms who is indeed poking and nipping us through the net, it’s her new thing, there’s been bruises all round, she of course thinks it’s hilarious, I can’t wait for the teething to start properly then it’ll be biting and poor Beast already runs away every time Harry comes into the apartment “Well that was very impressive both of you, don’t think I’ll be doing it any time soon however”   
“Awww I think you’d look good in a spangly leotard”   
“Charlotte no”   
“I love it when you call me Charlotte”   
Both me and Jared groan and roll our eyes, ok so maybe there are some reasons we are married…   
We’re starting to get back into a routine, kind of, did we ever have one? I don’t know, but I have been to my studio (I have to send photos of my food to Jared, V, and record it in a diary for Su-zanne so they know I’m still eating, I know you’re thinking well you could just get a photo off the internet? NO I have to photograph the receipt too, it’s mental but it’s like an extra process to eat-ing, reminding me to do it because even before I got sick I was dreadful at remembering to eat sometimes I just get… distracted). Building work is vaguely starting on the apartment, as in a wall has had a hole knocked in it and I’ve been in the other apartment, it’s beautiful the windows are amazing, and south facing, it’s so hollow the whole thing is one giant room, with a tiny bathroom and bedroom, Beast LOVES it, he was through the hole as soon as he could wiggle through and just lays out in the middle of the floor in the sun, running away when things get delivered for building. We discussed with the building committee having our own staircase to the roof, which we would pay for of course but it just saves us going out of the apartment(s) and up the staircase outside. No one objects so Shannon adds a spiral metal staircase to the plans that will live just inside the main door (when it’s there).   
Jared is getting nowhere with the new album but I guess there’s been a lot of distractions I’m just picking up again with TV stuff and my own commissions. There was some legal wrangling while I was in the hospital due to contracts and such, apparently I was in breach of fucking everything and looking to get sued until Emma and Jared let the Mars legal team out to play and said if anyone did sue me, a woman who was mentally and physically unwell they would be shunned for life so I was given compassionate leave or the equivalent to compassionate leave for someone who works es-sentially for themselves for as long as I wanted, I could effectively take a year off, but I’m kind of done with sitting in my pyjamas, well most of the time, but everything is so exhausting to me, I’m like a baby, I feel for you Harry I feel for you just sitting up for an hour causes me to need a nap (well maybe not that extreme but you get my drift… I hope). Jared has relaxed slightly and started going back to the lab or at least I THINK that’s where he is, there’s been a lot of hushed whispers this week but hey this is my life, I’ve just come out of eating disorder rehab there’s bound to be a lot of hushed whispers going on, I don’t let them get me down, whatever they’re whispering about it won’t be bad… I hope. Until the front door swings open… I recognise his footsteps and he’s alone so I continue concentrating on the Buzzfeed I’m highly engrossed in   
“Now Little Pea don’t freak out but I got you something close your eyes please”   
“What?”   
“I’m not coming in any further until you’ve closed your eyes”   
“Is it a sex toy? I might need a nap…” I don’t turn I just put the iPad down and put my hands over my face as I’m crap at not peeking if they’re just closed   
“No it’s not a sex toy… now look I know we said we weren’t having babies and that the beast was enough…”   
“Jared I swear to god if you’ve adopted a Vietnamese baby I will hang you”   
“Nope no children look… You’re a woman”   
“Clearly”   
“STOP interrupting…” I huff and roll my eyes, not that he can see because I’ve got my hands over my face ready for whatever it is he’s doing now “Women have biological clocks that tick, the need to nurture the need to care to raise an infant to teach…” What the fuck is he even talking about, I can hear him getting closer and I can hear something else too, a weird noise like snuffling, oh god has he bought one of those micropig things? “AND I know you get lonely and Beast is crap at actual-ly keeping anyone company, and you now that now you’re supposed to do different fun exercise so…” He sits down next to me on the couch “Now keep your eyes closed until I say ok?”   
“OK” what the fuck is that noise? I feel and hear weight shifting and something is put in my lap something wriggly light as if it weighs no more than a bag of sugar if that but so wriggly, oh god it’s a snake he’s bought me a snake, it’ll eat the cat Jared, maybe a ferret? No don’t they smell I can’t smell anything other than Jared  
“Right you can open your eyes now”   
I lower my hands, look down and make the most inhumane noise that it startles the creature in my lap, who I immediately scoop up towards my face “Oh god OH GOD what is it? Is it a… it is isn’t it?”   
“Yes Little Pea, it’s a pug, I mean SHE is a pug, Puggy Smalls AKA the Notorious P.U.G aka Raisin”   
“Raisin?”   
“Yup she looks like a Raisin don’t you think?”   
I look at the puppy in my hands, tongue out, tiny little black eyes and snout, kicking its little legs at me “But Beast…”   
“I talked to him he’s cool” I roll my eyes again “The lady I got her from has cats so she’s well used to them, and I’ve talked to fucking everyone about her, they all know, I was supposed to get her last week but there was something I don’t know some kind of family emergency and the breeder had to go out of town so…”   
“This is what everyone’s been whispering about?”   
“Yup”   
“A puppy?”   
“A puggy… I told Suzanne well I asked Suzanne about it and she thinks it’s a good idea, you know this little one will NEED you Amelia not like Beast, and I’m not down playing your love for the cat but he’s his own person you know well cat you know what I mean… So you are now officially a Mommy, I hope you like the baby I chose you”   
“You are fucking INSANE sometimes Jared, she’s perfect thank you…” I lean across and give him a kiss on the cheeks and then lift Raisin to his face and she licks where I kissed “But PLEASE don’t tell me you got her some kind of stupid carry case or doggy stroller thing?”   
“Oh god no… she is going to walk, and walk with you, gentle fun exercise remember? RIGHT you wanna come down to the car and I’ll get her things, I could manage it all and her she’s kind of wrig-gly”   
“How did you get her up here?”   
“Oh like this” He takes her from my hands and opens his shirt pocket and just slides her in, where she sticks her head out and dribbles slightly down the front “Right ladies, shall we go to the car? Now we are evenly numbered I liked that…”   
“Weirdo”   
“Amelia your tone of late is incredibly cheeky” He pulls me off the couch with one hand and as I get to my feet he laces his hand around my throat bringing my face as close to him as he can “I think it’s time you were taught how to behave properly again don’t you?”   
I swallow and look into his eyes totally lost “Yes Sir”   
“Good whore…” He lets go of me and smiles widely offering out his hand for me to hold instead “Come on then I got her the most amazing Saint Laurent collar…” 

I am a MOMMY! SO for the first time ever I set up and use Twitter and Instagram to show the WORLD my babies. An hour after I start my Instagram (with a little help from Jared) and I’ve got twenty THOUSAND followers? WHUT? Why do so many people care? I put a photo of Jared asleep in his pyjamas as my first photo I think that might be why…   
Raisin has a bed, that lives in the living room (for now) I wanted to take her to bed with us but yeah yeah bad habits and all that so instead she has a bed that is big enough for a wolf never mind a pug and it’s black like she is, which leads to my first doggy Mommy panic attack as when I go in to the living room first thing I see Beast in the bed but no Raisin and I freak out because she’s so tiny and I hardly heard her whine in the night. Did the cat eat her? He came in as we were playing with her looked at her sniffed and then flounced off tail in the air.   
“Hey furball…”   
“Amelia where’s Raisin?”   
“I don’t know right now…” As I get closer I can see better, what I thought was just the cat in a dog basket is the cat AND the dog in the dog basket, Beast curled around Raisin who’s very happily nes-tled into his furry tummy “Its ok she’s with the cat”   
I snap another photo for Instagram which rouses the occupants of the bed into moving. Which is when something really weird happens “Where are they?”   
Jared appears from the bedroom just in time to see the cat get out of the bed step over the dog stretch then turn back and pull the dog out of the bed like a female cat would her kitten “Oh god… no she’s not a kitten… Jared stop taking photos…”   
“What? It’s cute”   
“Beast put her down” I’m talking to the cat as if it’s a fucking dog while the actual dog is just dan-gling from the cats mouth looking fairly pleased with the whole situation. Beast stalks over towards the bowls on the floor in the kitchen (Jared bought the cat a new one too, they’ve got their names painted on them I don’t know where he gets these things) once he’s there he puts the puppy down in front of her bowl and I shit you not pats her on the head and they’re both just sat there looking at waiting to be fed. WELL so much for being worried about whether they would get along of not. Jared is just fucking killing himself laughing STILL taking photos (and videoing too probably)   
“Well… erm… you sort the furry breakfasts and I’ll make us breakfast… but get a wriggle on because you’ve got therapy, well we BOTH have therapy”   
“OK will you call your Mom and see if she will look after Raisin?”   
“Nope Raisin is coming with us”   
“Jared no she’s not a lapdog”   
“Yes I know BUT I’ve told Suzanne about her and you think we’re not going to take her to see her? She’d never forgive us…”   
I don’t argue I just start getting ready. One hour and a sulking cat later as we took away pretty much what I think he thought was HIS new toy and he couldn’t come too I’m in the passenger seat of the Mini (because there’s stuff everywhere in the truck Little Pea whatever Jared) with a pug puppy in the front pocket of my Chanel backpack head stuck out the top tongue sticking out look-ing at the world go by. I’ve turned into Paris fucking Hilton I’ve got a little dog in a designer bag and an award winning musician husband. What has my life become? When we get out of the car Jared shakes his head at me as I strap the bag to my front as opposed to my back, put come on Jared she might fall out. She causes quite the stir as we pass through the hospital and I’m not entirely sure she should be allowed in here with you know hygiene regulations and such but the nurses and doctors are too busy staring at Jared flouncing past. He’s kind of like seeing a national landmark close up or a rare bird like an eagle you kind of go ‘is it?’ ‘oh shit yeah it is’ and you’re too busy de-bating as to what to do next and with that he’s gone and I’m just there trailing a long behind him with my little legs trying to keep up.   
Suzanne is THRILLED to meet Raisin, and therapy begins with my therapist sitting with my puppy on her knee, but as she keeps trying to lick her face (Raisin not Suzanne that’s just weird) she’s passed back to me where she settles between me and Jared on the couch laid on her back with her stumpy little legs in the air. My dog is an idiot.   
“SO Jared Amelia is everything ok?”   
“Yeah”   
“Jared I know Amelia HATES you doing it, watching her but from your perspective is everything ok?”   
“Yes, she’s doing so well…” He puts his hand out to hold mine but gets fangs to the wrist instead from Raisin so he gives up “… about a day after we went home I noticed her start to come back, and she’s just been coming back more and more ever since, every day she gets more sarcastic, she’s just coming back to the woman I loved in the beginning the one before she got bogged down with weddings and… attacks and everything else, she’s her again not that she wasn’t before she was just maybe erm… diluted”   
“Thank you Jared, Amelia do you think people are supporting or smothering you?”   
“You mean him or anyone?”   
“Either or start with everyone else”   
“Well V was mad as hell, she’s so aggressive at the moment so it was magnified, but she’s ok, I’m sure though she had like automatic text thing set up that will send me one around meal times, and she keeps threatening to sit on me if I try and workout more than I should… Char… erm Charlotte my sister in law to be she has a very blunt approach to it which works for me better than anything, my parents they are my parents, and they know I guess that Jared can take care of me so they’ve been keeping their distance, my brother came home alone and kind of freaked out for half an hour but then he was ok… so all in all they’re fine and not too pushy and over bearing but I do feel more like I can ask for help now than I could before without feeling like a burden”   
“Good… that’s excellent, yes Veronica and her aggression, it’s like she’s injecting herself with masses of testosterone, I’m assured she isn’t though, and I know she’s happy to be pregnant but I’m sure she will be glad as will all of you her husband included when she goes back to her vaguely sane self… RIGHT Amelia talk to me about Jared, is everything ok there?”   
“He’s an annoying shit head”   
“HEY”  
“I’m joking…” Suzanne snorts, actually snorts trying to disguise her laughter. Raisin is twitching in her sleep between us “… its good it’s really good, I think at first he was kind of scared to touch me and he’s still struggling with my bluntness about it all, he kind of says eating disorder through grit-ted teeth and tries to not sugar coat it but make it a bit fluffy around the edges”   
“Because it’s still hard that my WIFE the woman I’m supposed to know inside and out had some-thing massively fundamentally wrong with her and I FAILED to see it, if I don’t say it properly like you do it’s almost like I can forget it exists”   
“Jared it’s always going to be there”   
“I know I just feel like it’s MY fault”   
“It’s not your fault Jared, just like it’s not Amelia’s fault, like it’s not person’s fault they are attract-ed to the same sex, you are born with something in your brain that makes you more predisposed to certain illnesses, certain mental issues, just like you and your asthma, that’s not Amelia’s fault is it? You were born with it, just like she was born with the brain she has and how it works… Anything else?”   
“No but sometimes Jared is so erm… you’re so… impulsive, he bought the apartment next door and didn’t discuss it with me first”   
“Would you have bought it yourself?”   
“Yes but…”   
“No buts needed there Amelia you and Jared you are incredibly similar it’s like two people with one brain, one half of it does music the other half paints, it’s a perfect ying and yang situation, you calm him and he erm… works you up… Had you not had been married to Jared or dating him and you were a single woman you would have done exactly the same thing. I think it’s good, you Ame-lia had a single persons abode, Jared moved in and probably took over a little bit but it was always your space, now you can have something that will be a reflection of both of you and I’ve no doubt it will be stunning... How are you feeling about the upheaval of the renovations? Do you think you’re capable of putting your trust and giving control to other people?”   
“Well Shannon is doing the plans with our input so that’s helping but I think you know I’ve just got to go with the flow”   
“Good…You’re doing really well Amelia I’m very pleased, tell me about your trust exercise you did with Jared”   
“He freaked out because he dropped me”   
“It was awful, not only did I drop her by accident first time but then when I did have hold of her and had to let go of her my heart was pounding and she was totally calm just like let me go Jared…”   
“I enjoyed it, I can’t say it’ll be something we do routinely but I trusted him to catch me, which was the point right?”   
“It was indeed… RIGHT WELL I’m sure you’ve got a lot to do with the new addition and the apart-ment renovations so… let’s do this again in TWO weeks, I think we’ll start tapering off the sessions slightly until we get down to maybe once a month BUT I am always at the end of the phone for any concerns, but in my professional opinion Amelia you are winning the battle, you’ve not won the war but you’re on your way to victory and Jared you’re coping incredibly well, and as a couple you are happy, functioning, clearly very much in love despite Jared’s slightly rash decisions…”   
“Why do I do it?”   
“I think Jared that like Amelia you were on your own for a long time, you only had yourself to an-swer to three years ago you wouldn’t have had to ask a wife would you? Plus I have NO doubt that anything you do that Amelia may think is a bit drastic or causes her to roll her eyes and curse you slightly is never done without being in her and you as a couple’s best interest, impulsiveness is nothing to shy away from Jared…”   
“Maybe I need therapy”   
“I think you’re doing just fine, you’re BOTH doing just fine… RIGHT Amelia next time just you and me ok?”   
“OK…”   
“GO… go on then take that miniature creature in your designer backpack… my granddaughter would KILL for one of those by the way the dog AND the bag… and go spend time together go to IKEA and argue about flat pack furniture, I’ll talk to you soon, keep up your diary please”   
“Thanks…” Raisin hardly stirs when I put her in the front pocket of my bag again, I’m seriously won-dering if Jared bought me a sloth disguised as a pug and I strap the bag to my chest again, if I wrapped a coat around it I’d look like a pregnant woman… now there’s a scary thought.   
We head to Shannon’s for lunch and to talk about the renovations, I’m barely through the door when Char practically throws Harry into Jared’s arms (it’s lucky he doesn’t drop her, she’s gotten very chunky and grabby of late, it’s kind of surprising if you’re not prepared for it)   
“Give me the goddam puppy and no one gets hurt…”   
“Jeez hello to you too…” I pull Raisin out of the bag, she’s more awake now, getting her to pee out-side is hilarious, we let her go in some grass outside the hospital and it was like looking for a needle in a haystack, she’s so fucking small. Char makes various squeaking sounds as Raisin licks her face and wriggles her stubby little legs   
“Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god… Shannon…”   
“NO”   
“But Shannon…”   
“NO… we live in a HOUSE we don’t have to have small things you want a puppy we’ll have a puppy but something bigger than that and…. Don’t put it in my hand…” Char puts Raisin in Shannon’s hand which is hilarious because his hands are massive and it just makes the puppy look even smaller “Urgh no, it’s so cute”   
“SHE Shannon SHE is so cute” Jared hands Harry back to Char and we all head into the kitchen where Shannon has all the plans laid out on the table, along with several large white boxes   
“Hey what’s in the boxes?”   
“Oh well…” I sigh before he says anymore because he’s done something AGAIN, Jared we are go-ing to discuss your inability to communicate at some point I swear I am an adult, sometimes… I take a seat at the table and Shannon puts the dog in Jared’s lap so he picks her up and puts her into his shirt pocket once again “These are our wedding photos”   
“REALLY?” There’s been some delays with the photos, just technical issues really, then I’d kind of gotten side tracked with TV and well being ill so I’d kind of let it slip, I bet some brides are literally chomping at the bit to get theirs back but we had so many beautiful photos taken by guests there really was no rush “Ok why are they here?”   
“Well… now Little Pea the apartment is going to be pretty much torn to pieces…” I glare at him “APART from the bathroom yes I know, but we can’t live there and you HATE the Lab, so Shannon and Char said we could stay here in the pool house”   
“YUP! It’s got it’s own bathroom so… it was kind of my idea, I know how much you hate the Lab”   
“I don’t HATE the Lab I just don’t want to live at the Lab”   
“Well then there you go… we’ll all just hang out here”   
“Why do I get the feeling that you’re moving us in as babysitters so you can go out and frolick”   
“Frolick? Have you been watching English period dramas again… and if you would babysit that would be great” Harry is put on my knee and the first thing she does is suck my arm, dribbling eve-rywhere, pinching me as she goes… “Don’t mind her she’s started teething”   
Oh good.   
*****************************************************************************************   
We’re fighting. No that’s maybe not the right word, squabbling? Quarrelling? We’re not happy whichever way you look at it. It’s the renovations, we’ve been packing up the apartment and things that were non-essential were put in boxes to be stored at the Lab (plates, pots and pans, linen, DVDS, art, random shit etc) literally all that is left at the apartment is our bed, a couple of plates and mugs, cutlery… all the other furniture is with our belongings in the garage at the Lab, and the garage at my parent’s and the garage at Constance’s. Basically if you are related to us by blood or by band you have a piece of our furniture in your possession, even poor Emma who has a TINY apartment (as she’s never really there and will often stay at the Lab) has Jared’s beloved blue leather armchair in her living room. Jared went out to a ‘meeting’ this morning leaving me to box up the clothes with the vague instruction of just keeping stuff that he regularly wears in a suitcase and the rest can be boxed and stored, easy right? Wrong apparently… All I wanted was because to be honest I’m a little bit emotional about it a peaceful last night in my apartment it’s like the end of an era, this was my home now it’s our home, it’s not that I’m unhappy about this it’s just… well it’s just… yeah… I thought we could get a takeout snuggle in bed, reminisce, I don’t know, until Jared arrives home with a face like thunder and a take-out container, singular.   
“I got you a salad”   
Well hello to you too husband I’m sitting cross legged in the middle of the now empty main room on the floor just dicking around in the internet, answering emails, noseying around twitter and In-stagram “Thanks”   
“I’ve already eaten”   
“OK…”   
“I’m gonna go pack my stuff into a suitcase so it’s ready to go to Shannon’s I’ve got a busy day to-morrow”   
“OK I left your case on the bed I know you have OCD on packing” aka throw everything in no need to fold because I’ll just find someone to iron the wrinkles out for me when I get there. Raisin and Beast are already at Char and Shannon’s I thought it’d be easier to settle them in the day before we moved in there, they’re fine of course Beast is sulking around the pool house and occasionally going out and tapping the water in the pool before running off again and Raisin is napping with Har-ry and just being smothered by Char who is slightly obsessed with her.   
There’s string of curse words coming from the bedroom so I stand up to go see what’s going on when he comes stomping out, and because the apartment is empty and he’s got his military boots on it’s even louder “Where the fuck is my track top?”   
“I don’t know if it’s not in there it’s in a box which will have gone”   
“For fucks sake Amelia I said ONLY box stuff I DON’T wear”   
I take a deep breath in, did you know that moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do in life, it’s up there with divorce and bereavement and this has been brewing for a few days I think, we’ve tried to be a nice to each other as much as possible but we are two very strong willed people with very strong opinions on how things should be done so we’ve done our best at getting on with it, and I’ve been good and done as he said with a lot of things even though it drove me cra-zy, I mean WHY would you pack a set of kitchen scales in with all my sketchbooks? Or fill a guitar case with cutlery? “Which track top the grey one?”   
“YES”   
Right that’s it Leto don’t you fucking shout at me “YOU HAVEN’T WORN THAT TRACK TOP SINCE TWO THOUSAND AND ONE JARED JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE BOTHERED”   
“I wear that track top ALL THE TIME you just need to wear your glasses more often”   
“Well maybe I would if you hadn’t packed them in the fucking rice steamer”   
“Well don’t leave them on the kitchen surface I’ll just call Emma and get her to go and get me an-other track top”   
“YOU ARE A FORTY TWO YEAR OLD MAN JARED IF IT’S THAT FUCKING IMPORTANT GO AND GET IT FROM THE BOX AT THE LAB OR PERHAPS GO AND BUY ONE YOURSELF EMMA IS NOT YOUR FUCK-ING PERSONAL SHOPPER”   
I’m not entirely sure what happens next, well more I’m not sure how it happened, one minute we’re staring each other down chests heaving both slightly red faced from shouting and I’m really fucking angry oh god I was angry, I think it’s my new tablets my hormones are a bit out of whack… He bit my lip really quite hard as our mouths collided, so I pulled his hair, he ripped my blouse off my body buttons scattered across the wooden floor, I really liked that top so I bite his neck, no mincing around it I just sink my fucking teeth in and he makes this strangled sound and grabs me around my throat so he can kiss me again. There’s no gentleness no grace, this is pure red hot ag-gression I hear his t-shirt rip as I pull it over his head. We literally tear each other out of our clothes flinging them across the room as we go.   
I’m not fucking submitting Jared I am too angry and if you think I’m just going to grovel at your feet and call you Sir you can fuck right off, because I would rather drive naked to V’s house than do that right now.   
We crash into each other again now naked, bodies awkwardly bumping into each other   
“I don’t like you very much right now”   
“Likewise now get on your knees behind me and we’ll fuck it out” He kind of looks at me all wide eyed and maybe a little bit shocked as I sink down in front of him on to my own hands and knees “You can either come down here and fuck me or I will take Satan and lock myself in the bathroom so you can’t see”   
I hear him drop behind and he pushes into me, no easing himself in just one swift movement knocking the wind out of my lungs but I’m not going to let him know that so I just start pushing back “What do you think you’re doing?”   
“Oh I’m sorry Sir, did you want me to submit? Tough fucking shit not tonight Leto, now are you going to fuck me or just kneel there and let me do it all myself because I will be it’d be more fun if you joined in” He just fucking pounds me after that, there’s no point in saying he gently touched whatever and kissed me etc, no he put his hands on my hips and fucked me until I screamed and when I screamed it echoed around the empty apartment so loud the windows rattled, I could feel my knees bleeding from splinters coming from the wooden floor underneath me and I didn’t care in the slightest. He’s behind me just shouting obscenities and occasionally slapping me across my ass. I still want to shout at him because he’s really pissed me off “Are you watching yourself fuck me?” No answer just moans “I SAID ARE YOU WATCHING YOURSELF FUCK ME?”   
“Yes”   
“Do you like what you see?”   
“Yes…”   
“Good because if you continue to piss me off and don’t work with me you won’t get to see it all that often, understand?” I balance my weight on one hand and reach the other down between us first adding my palm to his thrusts then to grab his balls and he makes this sound, this sound kind of like a wounded animal but it’s good when he does that   
“Yes”   
“I’m going to use this hand…” I squeeze his balls again and I get another moan in return for my ef-forts “to rub my clit, and if you cum before I do, I will HAPPILY lose the packing box with all your hats in”   
“You wouldn’t dare”   
“SHUT THE FUCK UP” I concentrate on rubbing my clit, it’s the sensation of fingers on my clit and the same hand being able to feel his dick penetrating me that ends me, this won’t take long, he’s tensing up I know he is, despite all his I’m the big bad Jared act I know that if I turn the tables and tell him what’s up he just blows his load because it takes him by surprise, and seeing as this will be my last orgasm, the last time we do this while our apartment still looks like OUR apartment so it may as well be a good one. And it is it rips out of me my limbs shaking, my body shaking, I think my fucking eyeballs are shaking. I manage to look round at Jared who’s biting his lip so hard in concen-tration of stopping himself cumming. I move my hand further back again and wrap around the base of his dick and just fucking squeeze   
“OH FUCKING HELL” I feel it, I feel it swell, tense, and the muscles move as he cums, I make a note to do that again because it felt amazing   
“I like you a little bit more now” I pull away and turn to lay down on my back on the floor I’ll get covered in dust… fuck it  
“I’m sorry…”   
“What for?” He’s laid on the floor beside me now sweating, sticking to the floor, the both of us covered in marks   
“Being a lazy grumpy bastard I guess… I should have just gone around and packed my own stuff and then let you and your OCD do the rest, and you’re right about the track top I haven’t worn it since Lord of War but I was thinking about it today and wanted to wear it so I’m sorry”   
“I’m sorry I shouted”   
“See half of me wants to say to you so you should be and the other half wants to tell you to shout at me more and spank me with a really big stick because Amelia when you go all dominating and bossy and bitchy it just… urgh I’d been holding off for a while, it… I don’t even care about admitting that it really fucking gets me off, but please tell me you know exactly where my hats are”   
“I know exactly where your hats are” They’re in a box in the closet in the pool house, along with the box containing my original PHD paper and unedited first draft of the book I wrote   
“Good eat your dinner”   
“OK but I’m going to eat in bed…” I stand up grab the salad container and walk towards the bed-room “Because I don’t know about you but I’m too old to be laying around on a hard wood floor I prefer a…” I look him up and down just laid there “soft surface against my back when my husband fucks me like the naughty little whore I am…”   
*******************************************************************************************  
Living in the pool house isn’t so bad, I suppose it helps that we’re both busy or we’d be on top of each other and that would be bad because it’s essentially a box with a bathroom, we have become Ryan in the OC living in the pool house. Char likes us being here, I think she just likes company that she can talk to and get an answer back not a burble or a coffee factoid courtesy of Shannon, maybe he burbles and Harry gives the facts… nothing would surprise me. Beast is fine, he’s not fussed, so long as someone feeds him and is around to give him a head scratch when he decides he wants one, he’s still sleeping in the dog basket though. Thankfully he isn’t bothered about the pool, Rai-sin on the other hand well… Now look dogs can swim that’s not the problem no, the problem is that she thinks she’s some kind of HUGE hound that can swim across the pool in two strokes, when ac-tually she’s more like a mouse trying to swim across the Atlantic ocean. Jared does what he does best and gets something utterly ludicrous to solve the problem as we have enough on watching Harry teeter around the edge of the pool never mind the dog, so he buys her a lifejacket. I kid you not they make them, miniature pug life jackets, and she just sits there as he straps her in it and then lets her get in the pool and just paddle about I have no idea how she is still alive because at one point she fell asleep in the pool just floating along in her little yellow lifejacket without a care in the world, so the next solution, is to get her something to sit in like a little boat and a captain’s hat, I should take Jared’s credit cards and the internet away from him, it’s not safe sometimes. Then I say Captain PUGwash and everyone laughs for about an hour while Raisin just runs in circles around the outside of the pool trying to bark. I say TRYING because it’s not quite there yet, I’ll be glad when she’s had her jabs and can socialise with other small beasts maybe it’ll normalise her slightly.   
Both me and Jared get earplugs after the first night because Harry’s screaming, even though we’re not in the same building, is louder than an entire opera cast I don’t know how the neighbours ha-ven’t put in a noise complaint, because she’s screaming, Shannon’s drumming and revving things with engines and Char is just clattering around trying to be heard above everything else. Our apartment is so quiet compared to here and we share a building with so many other people but I never hear a peep out of any of them.   
It’s so beautiful here though, the outside, I suppose when you don’t live in an apartment you take just being able to go outside for granted and it confirms even more that I did the right thing in put-ting in a private entrance to the roof garden. After Harry has gone to bed and me and Char have eaten without our other halves who are both out but aren’t together, I forget where either of them are, I sit at the edge of the pool dangling my feet in, Raisin is outside with me in her lifejacket but she’s in snooze mode so she’s just on her back legs in the air snoring and I’ve got (for the first time in god knows how long) my sketchbook in my lap, my pencil case close by. My art is so rigor-ous and structured and starts digitally so I never really have the need to sketch for it, and because art is my job it’s what I do I kind of fell out of love for drawing for pleasure. Don’t get me wrong I love what I do I love painting, but unless I have a goal of a show or a commission I don’t just draw or paint for the sake of it. But being outside and hearing the ocean which you can’t from the apartment just made me feel the need to do it. I feel a little bit like I’m on holiday.   
“Hey Emmy”   
“Oh hey Hanny ok? Where’s Char?” She’d gone for a shower and left me with the baby monitor, but that was almost an hour ago and Harry hadn’t stirred so I just left her to it   
“Spark out asleep still in her bathrobe… whatcha drawing?”   
“Huh oh nothing really just doodling”   
“I don’t think award winning artists ever just doodle Little Pea” He sits down beside me after shed-ding his shoes and socks and sticking his own feet in the pool. Shannon and Jared are so similar, but so different, Shannon always smells like coffee, coffee and motor oil, really earthy and Jared just smells like air, like fresh laundry, like taking a breath in after sucking on a mint but sometimes I look at Shannon the wrong way and I see Jared, Char says they look nothing a like, but they do, god they do, well they look like their Mom, Shannon more so, he’s more natured like her too. Jared is just all scrappy and full force and Shannon is like a bear scratching his back against a tree, he’ll oc-casionally do energetic things but not like Jared… Shannon was always supposed to be my brother, that’s how it feels, I think we have a better relationship than my actual brother and me but only because we don’t really get to see each other and are both lazy at communication. He pulls the sketchbook from my hands with a little tug “Hey it’s us… well me and Char and look at Harry’s lil pink cheeks, oh she’s a grumpy grump at the moment huh? Sorry about that”   
“S’ok”   
“I forget you know” He looks down at my sketches once more and hands me the book back “I mean your art is amazing and I’m not surprised you win awards for it, but I kind of… I dunno it’s just like what YOU do I feel as if I look at it so often I kind of forget that you’re so talented, does that make sense?”   
“Yeah sometimes I think my art is like a conveyor belt it’s a process, it starts off as one thing and ends up as something else, there’s no kind of… I don’t know because it is expressive it has to be” I shrug my shoulders because I really have no idea how to put it in words, I think that’s why I strug-gle in interviews to discuss it, other peoples art fine, my art, mind blank   
“Did you always want to do what you do?”   
“I wanted to be marine biologist for the longest time, I saw Star Trek you know the one with the whales… ANYWAY I thought it would be awesome, I made my parents take me to Sea World all the time but… I dunno when I got sick that’s when I started drawing properly and reading about it too, and it just took over everything else”   
“Are you ok now?”   
“Yeah why aren’t you?”   
“It’s hard for me to understand, and I feel so guilty about it… you know when Jared… well I thought he had it, and I was reading about it and finding information about it, I knew so much all the signs and tells and then you did have it and right under my nose and I didn’t even notice”   
“Not your fault Shan, it’s how I was born”   
“I know, I think you’re just going to have to deal with everyone feeling slightly guilty for a while we’ll get over it… Where’s Lord Shit?”   
“Fuck knows… just buys me puppies and then fucks off doing god knows what”   
“Where is the puppy?”   
“Here…” I poke Raisin to make sure she is actually still breathing, which she is, totally more sloth than dog  
“How do you cope with it?”   
“With the puppy? She’s very small and can be carried around in bags”   
“No I mean being married to my brother”   
“Well to be honest I don’t know…”   
“You know one of the reasons I love Char so much is we can go for HOURS without saying a word to each other, not because we don’t have anything to say, but just… we both like quiet I guess, and Jared is like a hundred miles an hour whirlwind all the time, even when he’s on down time he’s still doing at the speed of light, when we lived together he drove me crazy, that’s why I started building this place I just wanted quiet, not a hive only he left first, irony I think you’d call it…”   
“And you wanted quiet and got a loud girlfriend and screaming baby”   
“Very true… I’m very protective over Jared you know that right?”   
“Of course he’s your baby brother”   
“But with you I didn’t need to be, finally he found someone that would land a punch to the face of whatever was hurting him metaphorically or not and I knew that you would never hurt him… so yeah… I guess I’m just happy how life worked out, that you’re here and I know by the time your apartment is done you’ll be ready to move in before you start tearing your hair out but right now I really like us all being here…”   
“Thanks for having us”   
“Well you’re welcome, when he came up with the idea of the apartment renovations he had vi-sions of building a marque on the roof and you two just living in that thankfully that idea only last-ed half an hour as I pointed out you hate camping… then he said oh we’ll just live at the Lab and I said you should stay in the pool house…. Mine and yours opinions on the Lab are very similar, and I had visions of divorce and arguments and… well…”   
“I don’t know how he did it, it would drive me mad, all those people there all the time, in his home, I mean there’s home offices and then there’s the Lab which has no structure it’s not like going on the tour of the Whitehouse where you can’t got into the private living quarters or whatever it’s just people EVERYWHERE”   
“Why do you think I had to move out? Plus I was always spending nights well… he did it because he was lonely, that’s what me Emma and Mom thought, that he was lonely and had to surround him-self with people but couldn’t have a relationship because of trust issues, past heartbreak, so he only let the girls in for single servings, maybe a weekend, or a mini break then when he met you, and started spending time with you WITHOUT his hive of people I knew he was ok, my over pro-tective big brother bit often came into play with his previous dalliances, girls wanting to kiss and tell, girls wanting his money and then there’s you who tells him to go stick his money and you still do which is why you end up with puppies and thousands of pairs of pyjamas”   
“Was it bad Shan?”   
“What?”   
“The lockdown”  
“Yeah he I dunno he went into shock I guess, my Mom was here and just making endless food and drink because it’s what we do in a crisis care for everyone’s physical wellbeing and we kept putting tea down in front of him and he just stared into space for hours lord only knows what was going on in his head, then I kind of tried to poke an reaction out of him and he freaked shouting and yelling that he’s done the wrong thing, and wanted to come get you, that’s all he wanted, thought he could make you better, then V turned up and kind of sat on him so he couldn’t go anywhere then Jamie made her go home... when he could call the hospital he did, every fucking hour, till they told him to stop… then he tried to get a hotel room where he could see into your hospital room so he could at least see you so I took his phone away and gave him an iPad instead and then when Amer-ican Express rang and said how much he’d spent I took that off him too, and his wallet, in the end he just rattled about here. I’d brought him some clothes here when I got the cat, he didn’t go back to the apartment for a week and by then my Mom and your Mom had been in and cleaned it, just because it’s what Moms do I guess… Sorry you asked if it was bad rather than what happened… It was terrifying, he shut down, went into himself like a fucking shell with these human motions, eat drink sleep wash but there was nothing there, I… I knew he loved you of course I did, he married you, but I didn’t realise until then that he can’t live without you… I think he… I know you said some awful things to him but it wasn’t that that bothered him… He needs you Amelia, I know he drives you crazy and fuck he drives me crazy too but you are as important to him as I am and that is HUGE, massive you are a part of him and the best part about it is you didn’t change him, hell you didn’t really need him, you are the best thing in his life and he nearly lost you and it terrified him, me too if I’m honest because I had visions of what could happen if you didn’t come back to yourself how it would affect us as a whole, as a band as a company everything… you’re the pin and I didn’t know… hey oh sorry did I upset you?”   
I hadn’t realised the tears rolling down my face until he did “No just… I’m sorry”   
“You haven’t got anything to be sorry FOR I’m sorry we didn’t notice what was going on, I’m sorry you’ve been through so much in the past couple of years and most of it has been attached to Jar-ed”   
“What’s been attached to me?” We both look up (including Raisin who’s been asleep through the majority of mine and Shannon’s conversation) to see Jared with a model speedboat in his arms   
“Nothing… me and Emmy were talking about her drawing is all, what the fuck is that?”   
“A model speedboat”   
“Yes Jay I can see that but why… oh god no Little Pea stop him”   
“Stop what?” Then it dawns on me, he strides round to where me and Shannon are sat and puts the boat in the water but keeps one hand on it so it doesn’t float away, picks up Raisin in her life-jacket, puts her in the boat (and she lets him, I’m telling you that dog isn’t right in the head), picks up the controllers and she speeds off across the pool “You fucking tit”   
“Yup I love you too”  
“Jared my poor baby” Raisin is still just sat on the back of this fucking toy boat as it bobs through the pool with her tongue hanging out   
“WHAT THE FUCK? WHY IS THE DOG IN A SPEED BOAT AND LIFE JACKET IN THE POOL, SHANNON WHEN DID YOU GET HOME? AM I DREAMING? THE FUCK IS HAPPENING, FUCKING LETOS NONE OF YOU ARE QUITE RIGHT IN THE HEAD” Char’s stood on the back porch in her bath robe (still) looking oh so confused and little bit pissed. Before I can open my mouth to explain though Harry’s yell rings out through the evening air, there’s no need for the baby monitor all it’s doing is amplify-ing it more than necessary   
“I’ll go…” Shannon pulls himself out of the pool and jogs up to the house disappearing inside with Char moments later   
“SO I was thinking”   
“Before you say anything get Raisin over here please” He drives the boat over towards me so I can retrieve her from the back of it, where does he get these things, how does he think about these things? Fucking weirdo beardo, he said he had meetings, where Jared? Toys R Us?   
“Well anyway I was thinking…” Now he strips his shoes and socks off rolls up his weird pants and sticks his feet in the water sitting down next to me, Beast slinking out of the shadows moments later now his master is home “… the apartment or rather apartments are pretty much gonna be one big empty space before the new walls go up so how about we have a party?”   
“A party?”   
“Yeah”   
“Ok…”   
“And here comes the but… so firstly” he leans over and kisses me, all hands in my hair and fingers running down the side of my face, my heart beating rapidly as he does “Hello wife”   
“Hi…” I blush as I look at him, I can’t help it he’s still got his palm cupped around my cheek, there’s a kiss to the end of my nose and he leans away to fuss Beast “… nothing fancy Jared, I’m not hav-ing people turn up with minders and entourages, no caterers, or portable bars, everyone can bring a bottle and we’ll get some lawn furniture for people to sit on strings of lights etc a proper loft par-ty… maybe a dj or a cheesy covers band ok?”   
“OK done…” He picks up my sketchbook and starts idly flicking through it “Hey this is me… and so is this… and this… anyone would think you thought about me a lot…”   
“You have no idea Jared no idea…” 

We have encountered a problem with living in the pool house. Yeah. Hmmm erm… well see here’s the thing me and Jared (and I blame him because I never was before) are quite loud during cer-tain… things and we’re just getting back into the swing of our physical relationship (but not the sex swing as it’s boxed up with all the other sex toys, even Satan but ONLY because Jared is here, make no mistake that if he suddenly has to go out of town I know exactly where it is). ANYWAY sound travels at Shannon’s and Harry is a young impressionable child and no one wants her first words to be “Yes Sir” or “Whore” and it’s bad enough that Shannon and Char let on that they’d heard so we tried to be quiet… we’re still having as much sex but it’s kind of erm… reserved in com-parison (god bless the apartment and its stone solid walls). SO we come up with a plan, a slightly seedy, stupid plan that’s supposed to be just a bit of fun.   
We arrange to meet at a Motel, you know a proper dive Motel just off Sunset, the kind of place that rents rooms by the hour. He went out first thing in the morning and I’m meeting him there after lunch after he’s been to his whatever Jared Leto does. SO seeing as we’re doing this I’m gon-na go whole hog and I go to the Lab on the way and get changed into something that’s his that will be just perfect for the mission. I pull into the parking lot, he’s text me the room number it’s on the upper level off a balcony so I make my way up there, very slowly due to my outfit. This is so ridicu-lous we’re man and wife we’ve been married over three months and together over two years so much for sex getting boring. Sex is still exciting and it’s about to get even more exciting. I actually knock on the door I don’t just waltz in because well I’m not Jared…   
“Who is it?”   
“The fucking queen of Sheba Jared open the dam door”   
“Alright alright…” He swings open the door and looks slightly puzzled but pleased to see me all the same   
“Hi”   
“I didn’t order room service”   
“In this place I wouldn’t advise it, so can I come in?” He stands to the side so I can enter, I’m only two steps in when he slams the door behind me and pushes my back against it  
“You’re wearing my Burberry trench coat”   
“Yuh huh”   
“I thought I packed it”   
“You did”   
“Then why…” he starts to undo the buttons starting at the top, when it’s open far enough his hands push inside it and the smirk spreads across his face “Oh my little whore…” He raises one hand to my chin and brings my gaze to centre in on his “Is anything on under there? And why are you so tall right now?” He see as he looks down and notices the black heels on my feet that go with my French Maid outfit “You dirty little… did you drive over here naked apart from my coat?”   
“Yes Sir apart from…”   
“Apart from what?” He fully unbuttons the coat and pushes it totally open so its hanging off my shoulders when he notices the thigh high lace topped stockings I’d put on, because if you’re gonna do something do it properly, I’ve even got big dark glasses on to try and disguise my face as I drove over that I slipped into the pocket of his coat before I knocked on the door “You Amelia…” He leans down lips at my ears, breath ghosting over my neck “…are filthy little slut aren’t you?”   
“Yes Sir” The coat is pushed totally off so it’s on the floor at my feet and he switches our positions so he’s now got his back to the door, he’s got one arm around my back pulling me really close to him, his mouth is roughly biting the upper half of my body, which has got me making A LOT of noise already   
“Get on your knees”   
“Yes Sir” I fall to my knees, and the stockings rip straight away, see that’s why you only wear the ones from the ninety nine cents store on occasions like this. His top is shed and thrown behind me and I reach for his pant fastening   
“I said get on your knees I didn’t say do anything else did I?”   
“No Sir” Even though your dick is so hard in your pants it’s practically poking me in the eye   
“You need to be taught a lesson, open your mouth” I swallow because god I’m excited, this is so fucking dirty, and I don’t even mean the state of the carpet under my knees… I open my mouth, tongue out, my mouth is literally watering for him. He does one of his Jared style magic tricks and his pants get pushed down with one hand while the other hand grabs the back of my head and pushes my face towards his crotch. His dick hits my tongue and I’m shoved forwards nearly gag-ging, to the point my eyes water (thank you genetics for my lack of gag reflex) and he just fucks my mouth, just fucking grunting and cursing, calling me a whore. I’ve kept my hands still because otherwise I’ll get in trouble, I’ll only use them if he tells me too to be honest I don’t really want to I just want to be on my knees and at his utter mercy. I’m so wet I can feel it between the tops of my thighs, and he’s not even touched me, it would seem I’m an exhibitionist and driving over here in the outfit turned me on before I’d even gotten to him “You are so good at that, clearly I’ve taught you well”   
I try and reply but it’s kind of hard so I just moan around his length. I have a sudden feeling that I’m going to get hot cum across my tongue as he makes the noise, the tell-tale noise he does before he cums but then there’s another noise straight after it like a kind of strangled frustrated noise and my head is yanked backwards as his breathing calms back down to a normal rate. I could just stay here all day to be honest him above me chest heaving, dick in my face… He pulls me back to my feet hand still with my hair, he knows how hard he can pull it before I pinch him. I’m thrown on to the bed face first, and he just grabs me pulling me around, putting me in position, a hand slipping between my folds has me gasping for air against the comforter “Oh fuck”   
“Amelia… my precious little whore just what is it that gets you so wet, I’ve barely touched you and you feel like you’ve cum ten times over already” He’s kicking his pants off I can see him where I’m kind of half upside down ass in the air over the edge of the bed “Whore… I asked you a question” There’s a really fucking hard spank to my ass cheeks, which just fuck me Jared, Jesus   
“You Sir”   
He puts his hand back to my core, pushing his fingers towards my clit, rubbing, pushing, teasing “What about me?”   
Shit erm… brain in gear come on… erm… “Everything Sir”   
“I see…” I’m so distracted by his hand on my clit that I don’t register his dick nearing me until it’s inside me, one motion, no a little bit at a time, I try and pull forwards but he does his quicker than the speed of light bit and I’m held in place “Don’t run away like you can’t take it, I know you can…”   
He pushes his hips forward and I swear I fucking swear if they were to X-Ray us in this position his dick would be just beneath my lungs because that’s what it feels like at this angle, not that I don’t like it. I feel so dirty, I feel dirty and seedy and just fucking awesome with my ripped stockings and my heels still on face down on a questionably clean comforter in a Motel, urgh… His hips start moving his hands gripping my waist, and I cannot keep my mouth shut, there’s a lot of ‘harder’ and ‘faster’ and slaps to my ass for telling HIM what to do, at some point someone bangs on the wall telling us to shut the fuck up so I just moan louder, his obscenities get louder, god I love it when he calls me a slut, or a whore, never bitch though that’s just nasty and I think I would slap him. We change positions so he’s on top of me, my heels digging into the flesh of his ass cheeks my arms gripped up above my head with his hands. He’s all over me, I’m glad the coat has a high collar be-cause I am going to be marked beyond belief.   
“Cum” that’s it, that’s his command, no cum for me now, or I want you to cum, just one fucking word, it’s not that simple Jared despite your fucking prowess “I said whore… cum” and I do, how does he do it? Sex magician, I think I call him a whore somewhere in the middle of my moaning and shouting and the bed banging into the wall “Good girl” He makes that noise again the one he makes just before he cums but this time it’s louder, harder, more aggressive and instead of the frustrated noise of earlier he calls me a slut one last time as he spills into me “Well fuck me…”   
“Eeeww this room is so gross” I really want to get off the bed because seriously eeeww, but I’m kind of stuck with Jared on top of me   
“Awww my little whore so accustomed to the finer things in life now… like a high class call girl not a street corner hooker… mind you those stockings Amelia, not very high class they ripped as soon as you got on your knees” he finally moves himself away from me and we’re laid side by side on the bed   
“I’m not spending fifty dollars on stockings that you’ll rip within five minutes, I’d rather spend nine-ty nine cents and give the other forty nine to charity”   
“Which is why I love you… RIGHT off you go”   
“Huh?”   
“I have another meeting this afternoon… what did you think I was going to spend the afternoon with you? My precious little whore” He kisses the end of my nose as I do my best to glare at him   
“I’ll see you later then” I stand up don’t even kiss him goodbye just pull the coat back on do it up, slip my sunglasses back on and walk out of the door slamming it behind me. I’m not pissed at all, because that was so much fun, and I screamed so loud that my throat hurts (should keep me quiet in the pool house for a while)   
The first inkling I get of something being wrong is via my Mom who calls me when I’m on my way home, well the pool house, whatever after I’ve been to the Lab got redressed put Jared’s coat away along with my heels. I wasn’t going back to my studio I needed to get groceries because that’s how my life is, glamorous, I answer her via the hands free because for once I’m in my own car “Hey Mom”   
“Are you ok?”   
“Yes…”   
“Are you and Jared ok?”   
“Yes… Mom why?”   
“Because I just saw pictures of him on one of those gossip websites arriving in some dive hotel in Hollywood and then leaving a couple of hours later” OH… SHIT…   
“Mom you know better than to pay attention to those photos, you never know when they’re from, and half the time they’re so grainy you never know if it’s ACTUALLY him, look I’ll talk to him I’m sure it’s something really simple” I’m biting my lip from trying not to laugh at least there’s no pictures of me she’s seen too  
“Ok we’ll see you soon ok? I still want to meet your new furry baby”   
“Yes Mom”   
“Alright sweetheart I’ll talk to you soon bye…” She hangs up and the phone starts ringing straight-away I think it’s just my Mom calling again because she forgot to tell me something so I just hit an-swer   
“Hello”   
“HAHAHAHAHA OH MY FUCKING GOD I NEARLY WENT INTO AN EARLY LABOUR YOU STUPID FUCKING TWAT YOU AND JARED AND YOUR MAD SEX GAMES ITS ALL OVER THE INTERNET NOT ONLY ARE THERE PICTURES OF HIM ARRIVING AT WHATEVER FUCKING SEEDY MOTEL YOU DECID-ED TO GO TO BUT THEN THERE ARE PICTURES OF YOU ARRIVING AND LEAVING, BUT THEY’VE NOT GOT A CLOSE UP OF YOUR FACE SO THEY’RE PLAYING IT THAT HE HAD A HOOKER”   
“Stop shouting”   
“Sorry… oh Amelia this is the best thing I’ve ever seen, you’re gonna have to say it was you”   
“I know my Mom’s been on the phone because she’d seen the pictures of him, god I hope she doesn’t see the pictures of me I’m naked under that coat”   
“For fucks sake… can you two not have sex like normal people?”   
“I was erm… with being quiet in the pool house”   
“OH… right with ya… well you could have been more discreet about it, why not a penthouse at the Hilton why a fucking dive in Hollywood”   
“Just… because”   
“Alright I’m gonna go because Jamie just got in and I need to tell him… Hey hair bear… yeah I know I’m on the phone with Emmy now… he says you’re a tit too… RIGHT I’ll see you soon, just…” She laughs again I can hear Jamie laughing too “Bye…”   
My phone is on overdrive by the time I get back to Shannon and Char’s with tweets I’ve been tagged slash mentioned in and probably a zillion Instagram photos too. See THIS is WHY I didn’t have these things before because I don’t know how to look at it without getting upset there must be a filter to stop it. I’ll ask Jared, even though, I haven’t heard from HIM about the photos, maybe he’s not seen them? He said he was going into a meeting… Maybe he’s gone on a mad Jared mis-sion to get them all deleted with threats on being sued? His car is on the drive as I get home though…  
“Hey look it’s my hooker” Everyone is sat around the kitchen table, Harry is dozing lightly in Shan-non’s arms, Raisin biting at my feet so I pick her up and let her lick my face, I should stop doing that bad habit bad habit, but I’ve not showered since I was against that filthy comforter so a bit more dirt won’t hurt “Are you ok Little Pea?”   
He looks genuinely concerned at me as I shuffle around putting groceries down “Yeah why?”   
“Your first sex scandal, I thought… I dunno I thought you’d be pissed or something”   
“I think it’s quite funny”   
“Really?” Char is looking aghast at me from her spot at the table “God I’d be so embarrassed, re-member when they got that photo of me and my boobs had leaked through my shirt? I thought I was going to die I was so embarrassed”   
“Has anyone actually worked out it was me yet?”   
“Have you not checked Twitter?”   
“No Jared I was driving”   
“Oh well I kind of hinted it was you soon shut everyone up I’m sorry about the photos I didn’t know anyone was watching me” He stands up and comes and cuddles me looking truly guilty, which he doesn’t have to I was as up for it as he was, and I was the one driving around LA kind of naked   
“My Mom knows”   
“So does mine”   
My phone beeps again with a text tone this time, from my Mom ‘Amelia while I am happy that you and Jared have a passionate relationship please try and keep it off the internet, the bridge ladies are going to go to town with this. Mom x PS Please bring Raisin to see me soon’ Jared reads it over my shoulder laughs and puts a kiss to my temple   
“Well guys next time I can suggest the penthouse at the Hilton, it’s... OW” We look over to see Char stomp down on Shannon’s foot to stop him talking “More discreet”   
Fifty Shades of Leto…


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

The rain in Los Angeles is like no other, it’s like a tropical storm, it’s never just a drizzle or a shower it’s a full on water fall pouring from the sky. It makes you not want to go outside, the roads, they’re not really prepared for it either so they flood, traffic chaos occurs. I decide to do the sensi-ble thing and stay in bed. I only had one meeting anyway and it is Sunday. When I wake up first of all there’s a pug puppy on my head and a cat at the end of the bed. Amelia hasn’t stirred, I don’t wake her, since she came home from the hospital (and she’d tell me I was being creepy) but I spend a lot of time watching her sleep. I think it’s her tablets she takes on a night, they have a slight sedative effect and she sleeps deeper so I can move around without disturbing her. I love our sleeping position, well it was how I always slept now I just do it with a wife as well, but all I can ever see is the side of her neck so I’ve learnt to shuffle about slightly without disturbing her so I can watch all of her… She looks like her again, freckles, beautiful red hair, blue eyes that are blue once more not that horrible grey they were when I left her in the hospital. She smells and tastes right again too. My Little Pea came back, I can’t think about what would have happened if she didn’t, if she’d have died on the floor… That’s one of the other reasons I was keen to push on with the renovations because now when I look I won’t see her laid on the floor, her tiny, nearly dead body on the floor (nor will I no longer see where I’m convinced I could still see blood from drop-ping her on her face). I know it annoys her because she’s dealing with it head on and I am dealing with it by maybe not dealing with it as I should, but she’s getting better, she’s eating, she’s happy, she’s healthy that’s all that really matters.   
Raisin starts pawing at her head because I’ve moved a little bit, meaning she’s moved so she turns to her Mommy to take care of her, I’m good for cuddles but really it’s all about Amelia when it comes to Raisin, Beast has taken to her like she’s another cat, I’m convinced he thinks she IS an-other cat, she won’t ever get to be bigger than him. But I think it confuses him as to why Raisin goes out and he doesn’t. Well Buddy I bought you a collar and lead and you were not up for it in anyway so…   
“S… going on?”   
“Rain” She looks her watch, her snoopy watch that her parents bought her for her fifth birthday that still fits around her wrist… I’m going to get her a proper watch for her birthday, one that I’ll get glared at over no doubt. I offered her a Creeps one but they were too big for her wrist when she was in the hospital, now I can’t look at mine without thinking about that so I stopped wearing it   
“Shouldn’t you be on your way out?”   
“Yes but bed, rain outside, Little Pea cuddles” I’m trying to make sure that’s there’s as well as the sexual part of our relationship with all the fuckery as she calls it (you know with the spanking and the calling me Sir, which I have a hard time trying not to think about most days) that we have time for cuddles, proper cuddles, cuddles where we’re just wrapped round each other for hours for no particular reason other than to cuddle. I know she gets annoyed when I just kind of cling to her because I’ve run out of things to do and decide its snuggle time, and I know she has difficulty in being affectionate with me because I’m always so busy she feels like she’s annoying me so like I say cuddle times is important time. She stretched her arms out and I duck (so I don’t get a fist to the face) and then she gets out of bed “Hey I said cuddles”   
“I know but right now there are two ladies here who need to use the bathroom so excuse us please gentlemen” She leans back down and kisses my nose and puts the dog on the floor who then trots after her towards the bathroom, we’re trying to train her to pee outside but it’s raining and she’s only little she’ll get washed away so I’m sure she’ll get to use one of the puppy pads. I don’t enquire into it too much, but I’ve not yet been walking anywhere and stepped in dog shit or pee so…   
“Hey sorry the door was unlocked you ok bro?” Shannon appears at the end of the bed looking like he’s not slept in days, sadly he doesn’t get away with ear plugs to protect him from a teething ba-by.   
“Yeah S’up?”   
“Where’s Amelia?”   
“Bathroom”   
“HEY SHANNON” we both look towards the closed bathroom door and then laugh silently as string of mumbled curse words come through something about the dog peeing in the sink and why can’t she be a normal dog   
“Did you two wanna come out to breakfast? Harry is so grumpy but I don’t blame her remember when your wisdom teeth hurt and you wanted to rip your head off, but you were capable of ask-ing for and taking painkillers, she’s not so she’s not happy her lil cheeks are all red and swollen poor lamb, ANYWAY sometimes taking her in the Range Rover just sends her to sleep so we’re hoping she’ll just nod off while we eat”   
Amelia appears from the bathroom dog in hand “This dog will not walk she just looks at me until I pick her up, part pug, part sloth, part slug” Raisin is put back on the bed where she immediately snuggles up to Beast who barely stirs as she does “What’s going on?”   
“Breakfast out”   
“Raining, I’m not getting dressed, Jared you go if you want, don’t worry about me” But I do Little Pea see that’s the problem I really worry if I don’t physically see you eat “And I’m SO tired what’s wrong with me?” She slips back into bed under the covers almost hiding from Shannon, and I feel her hand slip up my pyjama top, not in a sexual way just to touch me but it makes me kind of jump as her hands are cold   
“Nah, thanks for the offer Shan but erm…”   
“Say no more, have a nice day you two” He clicks the door closed behind him and I scoot down the bed pulling the comforter over my head seeing where my wife has gone, she’s just snuggled up to my side, slung across me with her eyes closed.   
“Little Pea”   
“Mmmm?”   
“Eat or sleep?”   
“Feed me in my sleep… watermelon and erm smoothie”   
“Not exactly solid Amelia” It’s part of her recovery meal plan she has to eat kind of well solid things and more variety of things, that’s the part she finds really hard, give her three choices fine, give her infinite choices and she’ll actually cry because she doesn’t know what to do. She’s also been advised to eat meat, she can continue without the dairy but should really try and eat a little bit of meat for protein above anything else, so far it’s bacon, bacon and chicken I actually don’t mind it, a bit of fish as well “A watermelon is called a WATER melon because primarily it’s just water and smoothie no you can have a smoothie and something else but not one by itself”   
She huffs against my skin, I know she thinks she’s being treated like a child, but she kind of is, she literally forgot how to eat and has to learn again “Can I have fruit loops and almond milk then?”   
“Yes, yes you can, you stay there”   
“K” she lifts my top up and blows a raspberry on my side, lil fucker, I giggle and the animals finally stir enough to get off the bed, well Beast leaps down with all his cat type grace and Raisin just kind of falls on the floor and grunts at herself as she gets back on her feet.   
Sharing a kitchen isn’t too bad, I mean he’s my brother, and she’s is I guess almost my sister in law the bad thing is getting to and from the pool house in the rain, so I pull on my jacket rubber boots and move ass… Since we’ve been here and I suppose since she came home from the hospital Ame-lia has gone all domesticated in regards to grocery shopping it’s no longer like a ready meal or whatever she buys proper food, including random sugary carb loaded children’s cereal, but hey you wanna eat something that looks like it’ll dye your insides luminous you go for it. But don’t put too much milk on it, I swear she would eat cereal dry just fill a bowl or maybe even just eat in from the box, right and smoothie in that glass that she ‘acquired’ from a bar we went to on one of our firsts dates (and one of the first times I learnt my now wife cannot hold her liquor in any way shape or form). The animals have followed me I don’t know why they know they get fed in the pool house, well on the porch of the pool house and they know the food is in there too. They’re just being buttheads I guess. Go bug your Mommy, getting under my feet, Beast getting up on the counter trying to eat Amelia’s cereal, Raisin trying to start a fight club with my boot.   
“WHAT? Buttheads… come on I’ll feed you after I’ve fed Mommy ok?” I’m talking to animals and I’m referring to my wife as Mommy to something that’s not an actual baby, what has my life be-come? I’m in pyjamas and I can’t think of a better way to spend a rainy Sunday morning than cud-dling my wife? Is this growing up? My phone vibrates in my pocket, I pick it up automatically, not even thinking, fuck I might have even been asleep with it in there. It’s a tweet a public tweet from my wife, that just says ‘Make with the Fruit Loops Leto #SundaysChildEatsChildrensCereal’ I re-member when I wished she would have a Twitter and now all she does is tweet random art facts and photos of the furry babies. I use my Twitter as serious business so it doesn’t help when I say on my tweets ‘any thoughts’ or ‘tell me…’ because all she does is reply ‘can we go to Taco Bell to-night?’ or ‘Don’t forget cat food ‘#SeeHowGlamorousHeIs’ and then her tweet gets favourited more than mine. I reply just because I’m feeling devilish and it’ll give Tumblr something to troll over for this rainy morning ‘@AmeliaLeto fuck face #LoveYouLittlePea’ and I swear I can hear her laughing from the pool house. Animals fed, door left slightly a jar so they can come back in without either of us having to get up to let them in I hand Amelia her breakfast where she’s now crossed legged on the bed reading her emails on her iPad “Anything good?”   
She looks up at me, bowl in one hand spoon in the other, hair wildly sticking up, glassed perched on the end of her nose “Nah… junk mostly thanks for bringing my breakfast, what are you having?”   
“Pancakes”   
“I didn’t know there were pancakes? Why didn’t I know there were pancakes?”   
“Wanna swap?” I lick the stack of ready-made microwaved dairy free pancakes on my plate, it’s just a thing I used to do with Shannon when we were little he’d lick his food to stop me eating it when he wasn’t looking and now I do it to Amelia, she crinkles her nose up and shakes her head turning back to her cereal “So seeing as we’re both here and we’ve not got anywhere to go”   
“The sex swing is in a box at the Lab”   
“I’m not talking about sex… for once… I told you cuddles Little Pea C-UD-DDLES and I thought we could finally look at our wedding photos” I’ve been dying to see since they arrived but we’ve been so busy we’ve not had time to sit down together and look at them properly and it should be some-thing that’s done together right?  
“Sounds good to me… RAISIN you little shit what are you doing?” Pugs have little legs but they can jump, like a… well I don’t know what like but right now our pug is jumping up and down on the spot like she’s on a trampoline looking on the bed barking at us, see she can jump high enough but can’t go forwards to get ON the bed so I pull her up and on the bed with us, Beast will have no doubt gone to patrol the pool house to make sure we’re safe. Just so you know we have a dog that’s like a cat and a cat that’s like a dog, because… just because…   
I make sure there’s nothing spillable as I get the boxes from under the bed, Amelia’s bowl (with milk still in the bottom because she doesn’t drink it when her cereal has gone because she’s weird) is at the side of the bed, no doubt Beast will make short work of the remainder of it, my pancake plate is empty and underneath it. If you asked me what perfection looked like I would tell you it’s this, me and my wife in plaid pyjamas, both sitting crossed legged on a bed that doesn’t belong to us, in a house that’s not ours, because there doesn’t need to be a bed or a house, or fancy fucking ceiling dome, we are home. We are our own home, her me the dog the cat. That’s what home is.   
The photos are something else, I didn’t know what to expect because the guy was just out of grad school, not incredibly experienced and certainly hadn’t ever had to photograph a celebrity, but they are amazing. I was getting pissed at the wait or maybe thinking he’d taken the cash and run, but this… this was worth every day we had to wait. She steals the show in all of them of course, but there’s photos of things I didn’t see like her getting ready, the pow wow Char pushed them all into before the doors opened to the room where we got married, all the little details of her dress, her crown, her shoes (which I hadn’t paid that much attention to on the day)   
“Shall we pick out some favourites to frame in the new apartment?”   
“I dunno… I mean I find having photos of myself up kind of awkward”   
I know she does, there’s one photo that was on the wall in the kitchen of her as a child, the sun-shine illuminating her face, the look of curiosity that I still see now in her eyes. But these are our wedding photos surely we should have at least one. “Well how about one that’s not structured? One where we’re not looking at the camera?”   
“Hhhhhmm ok” Raisin is now curled up in a ball in Amelia’s lap snoring, maybe she is more sloth than dog  
We chose a photo of us dancing, she’s got her head rested against my chest and everything else in the room is out of focus. I chose it because at that moment on our wedding day I felt as if we were the only things in focus, maybe in the whole world. The albums are packed up carefully rewrapped in tissue paper and put back in their padded boxes, I think the boxes alone probably cost half of what we paid for the photographer, they’re ornate with our names inscribed on them, we are both sticklers for the little things in life, so in some way the boxes are better than photographs in them.   
“Right Little Pea… cuddles, you ok?”   
“What is with you and the cuddles?”   
“Because yes you’re my whore but you are also my wife, my wife that I think sometimes take for granted so, come down here please don’t make me make you submit to cuddle your husband Amelia, there’s nothing to do it’s Sunday, it’s raining let’s cuddle and make out huh?” She rolls her eyes (she’s gonna get such a spanking when I get the sex toy box back for all the eye rolls) and shuffles down the bed with Raisin in her hands and snuggles up to me, the dog sandwiched be-tween us, totally oblivious to the significance of the cuddles and just happy to be between two warm human bodies “See, that’s ok isn’t it?”   
“Are you sure you don’t have anything to do?” And there’s the problem, she thinks I’m too busy for her, which I admit sometimes I am, and because of it I will always have to live with the fact that I was too busy to notice that she was dying   
“No Little Pea not today, just this…” I put a kiss to the top of her head and Raisin licks my face, thanks dog “I think if we were to have written our own vows this was one I should have made that once a week until death do us part I promise to spend at least an hour just cuddling you for no other reason than I want to”   
“And I swear in sickness and in health that I will always let you”   
You may now kiss your bride.


	25. Chapter 25

Party time, PARTY TIME. And I am shitting it, I knew I shouldn’t have left Jared in charge of this I tried to weedle information out of Emma and Shayla but they swear they know nothing and he has done it all himself which makes me even more nervous. I invited everyone in the building because of all the noise, a lot of people (because it’s kind of a building full of old people which is one of the reasons I chose it originally) declined but assured me not to worry about the noise (probably be-cause they’re deaf) but a young couple who’ve been renting the basement apartment say they’ll come, I tell them as I do everyone else, bring your own drink that’s all you need.   
The apartment(s) now is this glorious huge space, just wooden floors and beaming light, and my beloved bathroom is the only thing left with walls. When they stripped everything out so much cool stuff was discovered, typewriters and letterheads from the old company that was based up here that made costumes for theme parks (including Disney) so there’s assorted mouse hands and princess dresses that we put somewhere safe to decide what to do with them later. I’ll probably end up wearing one of them, maybe I’ll uncover a new Jared fetish for Aurora?  
All parents are invited to the party of course and politely decline to take care of animals and chil-dren, my brother and Katie are actually coming, Katie wants to see famous people… I tell her I have no idea who’s coming but there’ll be no limos or paps or entourages, just people who want to drink from red solo cups and maybe dance badly to a covers band. V is so pregnant but still wants to come of course so I get her an inflatable throne to sit on and put it where she won’t get jolted around and give her a pass for the bathroom so if there’s a line all she has to do is flash it and she gets to go next AND the throne is high up so she’ll be able to see above people even though she’s sitting down. We arrive first which I suppose we should because it’s our party, our apartment but this is the first time we’ve gotten anywhere first EVER. Jared’s done me proud I said no catering to portable bars and he’s kept to my instructions there’s fairy lights strung up, lawn chairs, and pad-dling pools filled with ice and drinks, I’m impressed, this is obviously what he and Shannon have been up to all day. They’ve dragged the first PA system ever used by Thirty Seconds to Mars out of a storage unit and rigged it up so there’s music playing (we both made a playlist and then put it on shuffle). I have no idea what band he’s got, but there’s a make shift stage set up made out of wooden boxes, and one of Shannon’s old practice kits set up as well as amps that looks as if they could power a small arena, it’s just an apartment Jared!   
V arrives with Jamie and takes her place on the throne, I got her a crown too, she’s like queen of spring break, her aggression has calmed down, and now she’s just really tired, if she sits down for any length of time she just falls asleep, she’s fallen asleep in some amazing places so far but sadly can’t drive anymore because of it she literally nodded off at a set of lights in Malibu. I agree if she manages to nod off tonight I won’t let anyone take any photos of her and put them on the inter-net (unless it’s me). Slowly people start trickling through the door, mostly Jared’s friends but then I did leave the invitations up to him because I’m never sure who to invite to these things. However I make a squeaking sound as two Ways step in through the door with their other halves.   
“Amelia, so good to see you again, thanks for inviting us, this is Lyns” Gerard looks like he wants to hug me but holds back with a look I’ve seen in many people’s eyes since I’ve been ill, the look that they think they will break me by touching me too hard   
I put my hand out to shake hers but she pulls me into a hug just as her husband did when I met him for the first time “It’s so lovely to meet you at last, how are you?”   
“I’m good” She releases me from the hug but remains holding my hands, I’m doing my best not to girl swoon   
“I’m so proud of how open you’ve been over your eating disorder it’s so important people watch out for each other”   
“LYNS” She drops my hands at her husband’s tone but she’s done no wrong   
“No it’s ok thank you for being so blunt about it I’m so done with people tip toeing around it and it really is nice to meet you, thanks so much for coming, there’s plenty of soft drinks kicking around in the ice buckets and the roof top garden is open too just take the stairs outside the kitchen… I mean what was the kitchen window”   
“This is a beautiful space” comments the younger Way, he’s wearing glasses again and has a new lady on his arm I don’t push for information, I’m too in awe of them being here and I need to let Jared give me cuddles to say thank you   
“Thank you, I’ll be glad when we’re back in our beautiful space” they make a move to circulate into the throngs of people that are here and I look for Jared across the room but can’t see him any-where  
“Oh MY GOD” Hello Char… I hadn’t seen her arrive “J-Law is here”   
“What don’t be so silly, how many of those have you had?” I point to the beer bottle in her hand, but as well I try to look across the room and see if Jennifer Lawrence really is here, but there’s so many people and the lights are low so it’s kind of hard to see someone unless they’re right in your face. I’ve still no idea where Jared is, probably talking to someone about the architecture of the building…   
There’s something happening, V is pointing wildly towards the front door waving her plastic sep-tur (it came with the crown), people are murmuring and moving around towards the stage, I throw my head over my shoulders but I can’t see anything because I’m too short so I just turn back to Char who looks even more excited than when she thought she saw J-Law “What?”   
“Good evening loft apartment…” fuck off “Firstly thank you to Jared for inviting us to come play a few songs…” and again fuck off “Firstly we’re starting with a request because apparently the own-er of this beautiful apartment is one… SO here we go… Now then mardy bum…” I can see now, I can see the Arctic fucking Monkeys in my apartment, calling ME a mardy bum, where is he? I’m gonna kill him, a garage band I said, a covers band, some college kids who would just want paying in beer not a multi-platinum award winning rock band.   
There’s an arm snaking around my waist belonging to Jared “Remember cuddles in the kitchen to get things off the ground?”   
“Jared I said a garage band a covers band something like in the Wedding Singer”   
“Well they are a covers band, they’re covering their own songs and they might do some others too… LOOK I met Alex a while ago and I dunno I thought it’d be a blast and…”   
“Just shut up and tell me if I DID see Jennifer Lawrence” Char is waving her bottle in Jared’s face   
“Probably, I don’t know I just said if anyone was in LA and wanted to do something ‘normal’ they should come so maybe”   
“I’m gonna go see where’s Shannon anyway?” She swings away from us, and I get mocked for my lack of alcohol tolerance, can’t blame her though I mean she has a screaming baby attached to her nearly twenty fours a day I’d want to cut loose too   
“Oh Jared there you are…”   
I can’t keep my mouth shut here, and slightly fuelled by cheap nasty half warm lager I’ve been swigging out of tins I decide to just let my brain go first “Hi… you should win”   
“Erm thanks… oh you must be Amelia, not a lot of people think I… I mean Breanne should win so thanks”   
“Can I hug you?”   
“I’d be honoured” And that is how I ended up dancing to the Arctic Monkeys hugging ninety per-cent of the cast of Game of Thrones (that were over the age of twenty one) and playing beer bong with a few X Men, you know no big deal and yes it was Jennifer Lawrence who really is totally hilar-ious and was very happy when the pizza boy arrived.   
But the hangover is a MASSIVE deal it’s been so long since I had one… I wake up in a sleeping bag on an inflatable air mattress in the middle of the space (it’s mine from camping at Coachella, we decided to stay in our apartment one last time before walls went up and chaos starts), Jared is slung over me I’m still in my clothes but apparently I managed to take my shoes off, I’m surround-ed by red cups, empty bottles, party streamers, silly string (I mean where did they even come from? Maybe Jared had them). The sun is streaming through all the windows right on to my face, my mouth feels like an ashtray (I think I might have been smoking with my brother) and my head is pounding. At least we’re alone I think seeing as I can’t see any random bodies anywhere. I don’t remember who left last, oh yeah I do it was V and Jamie because she did fall asleep and Jamie didn’t want to wake her for ages. My phone was what woke me up, so I scrabble for it where I’d managed to plug it in on charge last night, and now I’m a puppy Mommy I worry something is wrong with my baby, who is in Constance’s care along with Harry (Beast will have just pleased him-self). Only of course nothing is wrong with Raisin but our party had become a LA trending topic on Twitter and Instagram and there’s so many photos. I guess Jared didn’t say not to put photos on the internet? Not that it matters, bar my wedding night I think it was one of the best nights of my life, I’m glad there’s photographic evidence because my memory is blurry due to all the cheap lager and I want print outs of all the pictures of me standing next to everyone, my favourite is a picture of me actually upside down or rather being held upside down by a guy that looks remarkably like Channing Tatum, um… I’ll have to ask Jared about that make sure me and V didn’t just quote the entire of 21 Jump Street at him   
I have texts from Lyns Way and Ellen Page thanking me for an awesome night and we should hang out soon. I don’t even remember giving them my number, oh god I hope I didn’t do anything dumb…   
“Lil Pea?” he snuffled that into my hair which ewww I bet smells awful   
“My head hurts”   
“Mine too, it smells like a brewery in here” jeez thanks Jared, charming as ever “I don’t mean your hair”   
“I packed a hangover kit”   
“Which is again why I love you…” I crawl out of the sleeping bag, go to the bathroom, thankfully finding no one else passed out anywhere and retrieve my purse and change of clothes (painting dungarees) from the safe that was built into the wall of the other apartment and hidden behind a fake wall which was knocked down (cool huh? We had someone come and unlock it and then reset it to a combination that we could use). I packed Aspirin, orange juice, and cereal bars which I hand to Jared now he’s moved slightly more “Wild night huh? And no you didn’t do anything embar-rassing before you ask, you were perfectly awesome, and really funny”   
“Did everyone have a good time?” I sit back down on the airbed with some force and it nearly top-ples Jared off like a bouncy castle   
“Did YOU have a good time? It was your party”   
“It was OUR party” I find my morning meds in my purse and take them, I don’t know if I took my night time ones, I doubt it note to self do not tell Suzanne, maybe we should have invited Su-zanne?   
“Well yes but I did it for you really, to celebrate you know you being… well getting better”   
“Thank you but you know you didn’t have to get me the Arctic Monkeys”   
“Bastille and Haim were on tour”   
I elbow him in the ribs, because seriously Jared what? “I’m gonna get changed into my dungarees and clean-up”   
“Have you not brought anything to eat?”   
“I brought cereal bars”   
“Amelia… I tell you what you start cleaning up I’ll go get us breakfast ok? You want something with bacon? I want something with bacon”   
“Sure”   
He goes to kiss me and I bat him away “I’ve got beer breath and I think I was smoking last night”   
“Don’t care” A tiny kiss is placed on my lips   
“Love you”   
“You too Little Pea” My stomach rumbles SO loudly it echoes around the apartment which makes him smile and embarrasses me “Breakfast…Mardy Bum”   
*****************************************************************************************   
I bet you all think Jared and Shannon Leto in hard hats and doing manly type building things is real-ly hot like porn hot? Right? I did too… only it’s not. I can’t speak for Char’s feelings on it however but I step into the building site that is my… I mean our apartment and they’ve both got jeans on that seem to have come from 2006 and maybe once belonged to Emma, it’s like emo meets the Village People, Jared’s are too short, has he grown in the past ten years? And Shannon’s backside is hanging out the top of his, and lord only knows where they got their shirts maybe the 1980’s when they were both erm kind of smaller, it’s a new trend hipster emo’s meet the village people while looking like jungle animals. And the hard hats? Shannon’s is bright pink, apparently he has a small head and this was all the store had in his size and Jared’s is black and shaped funny kind of like he’s wearing a trash can on his head. Well so much for my diet coke break, BUT the staircase is installed so I just head up to the roof garden through my new door, I wanted to answer some emails but I kind of wanted to see my husband too… I don’t know why these two idiots are build-ing things, Shannon claimed he wanted to supervise his plans, Jared wanted to supervise Shannon and the builders are always grateful for someone else who can carry a heavy load of bricks or wooden planks so I’m leaving them to it. Tomo’s not complained that two thirds of his band have suddenly changed careers mid album writing once, he’s enjoying basically doing his Tomo things without Jared making him do something else. However I would like to point out that without a shadow of doubt at some point Tomo will get roped into this as well probably also in an entertain-ing outfit. I mean I’ve got my painting dungarees and a tank top on and some old sneakers, as soon as I stepped inside Jared freaked I didn’t have a hard hat so he found me a spare one which of course is too big for my head, so… BUT ANYWAY I’m on the roof I don’t need one up here I think.   
Jared appears through the door, as I sit on a lawn chair that’s been up there possibly since the 1970’s but I love it I won’t let anyone throw it out, I’ve got Raisin in my lap who was hiding in my backpack at all the noise, I’m glad she’s not peed in it again, yeah not good, had to get a new iPh-one (again).   
“Little Pea Little Pea Little Pea”   
“Jared Jared Jared” He bends down and kisses me he’s got saw dust in his beard that’s making it look grey, ZZ Top Jared in the house, he then picks Raisin up who kind of huffs at him (she’s pissed at him after he wouldn’t let her in the bath with him so she ran around the outside of it barking) and sits on the floor at my feet. Oh I like that you can stay there Jared.   
“What’s going on then?”   
“Been to the studio, been to see the fat one but she was asleep, I’m actually starting to wonder if she’ll just sleep through labour as well”   
“When’s she due?”   
“October”   
“It feels like she’s been pregnant forever and she’s massive and has been massive since she was maybe two weeks pregnant are we sure she’s not actually carrying a soccer team?”   
“Says not”   
“But no word as to pink or blue?”   
“Nope”   
“Do they know?”   
“Nope”   
“So what’s this checking up on me? Escaping Harry’s teething screams?”   
“Can a wife not come and see her husband for no other reasons than she just wants to?”   
“I suppose… OH the Vogue article is going in the July issue” We pushed it back when I was sick, it didn’t seem right to do it when I was in hospital, and they actually photoshopped the photos to make me look BIGGER, sounds a nightmare right? They took my ‘healthy’ measurements and ad-justed the photos without us having to do a whole other shoot. They gave me total control of the pictures too once they were made to look my normal not sick size, so I made them just leave them alone no blurring, no touching up, no hide that funny wrinkle on my arm nada, I’m done with whacked out perceptions of beauty and I have an eating disorder a lot of which are caused by false media images, to let them airbrush the fuck out of me would be beyond hypocritical “Also this means we have been married six months at the end of this month, do you want to do something?”   
“Like what? Is there one of those you know paper wood cotton deal things or is that just years?” Before he can open his mouth to answer my phone starts ringing with Steph’s number, I think Steph must have the best job ever she’s paid full time wages to do part time work and because I don’t have an office for her she works from home… in her sweatpants… watching TV box sets “Hel-lo hello hello, no I haven’t locked you out of your Netflix account I told you I don’t think that’s pos-sible” Jared rolls his eyes and looks at his own phone, look Jared just because Emma and Shayla get the brunt of your grumps and diva behaviour does mean that’s how all assistants should be treat-ed  
“Nope, NOW I know you hate doing TV…” I really hate TV, the segments I recorded for the maga-zine show are now in post-production whatever that means but it won’t be on the TV until even later in the year (why does everything take SO long everyone needs a Veronica Reed breathing down their neck shouting go faster) and I’ve declined interviews with numerous people about my eating disorder you never know how much spin they’re going to put on it “BUT what about Ellen?”   
I drop the phone… mouth hanging open and I can hear Steph saying ‘hello… hello’ so Jared picks up the phone in my place “Hey Steph… no shit? Yeah she’s freaking… Amelia… Amelia Hello?” He’s waving his hand in front of my face   
“I can’t meet Ellen she’s the queen and I don’t know how to courtesy”   
“Did you hear that? Yeah email all the details to it, she’ll do it, I’ll go too tell them that, two for the price of one… Alright Steph yeah I’ll get her a tea I think, no wait hang on…” He picks Raisin up from his lap and puts her to my face which she automatically tries to eat   
“Urgh no… no kisses”   
“That’s it right bye Steph…” He slips the phone back in my purse and puts the dog back in his lap where she sits looking hella pissed at him, you know the gif of the Pug on the internet waving its head looking like it’s shouting? That’s how Raisin looks at Jared fifty percent of the time like she’s shouting at him, I’m sure she loves him really but at the moment it’s very much my dog his cat, even though he bought them both for me “Right we’re gonna go on Ellen, it’ll be OK I will hold your hand all the way through and I’ll see if I can get a basic outline of the questions she wants to ask you beforehand it’ll be ok… is it that you don’t want to talk about your… problem… anymore or is it that you think you’ll sit there and go ‘oh look it’s Ellen queen of the world only second to Beyonce’ and make a funny squeaking sound?”   
“I do not make a funny squeaking sound”   
“You sound like Ned Flanders screaming, you did it when you saw Sigourney Weaver, waving your arms and everything” that’s only half true Jared  
“I think I should talk to Suzanne about this”   
“Ok do you need me to as well?”   
“No I erm… I’m going to see her this afternoon”   
“Is everything ok?”   
“Everything is fine…” He glares at me, the dog glares at me, even the sun glares at me “It really is, Suzanne changed the appointment as it’s her granddaughters something or other, graduation I think…”   
“I know when you’re lying… and I can see you’re not, you sure you don’t want me to come?”   
“No stay here be a emo village person slash ZZ Top member”   
“Huh?”   
“Give me my dog back…” He picks up Raisin from his lap and hands her back to me so I can put her back in my bag, she’s so tiny still I’m starting to wonder if she’s the runt of the litter and won’t grow because of it. I don’t care, she’s so stinking cute, so is my Beast too, but he really is too big to carry around in my purse “Right I’ll leave you to it…”   
“Thanks for coming to see me Little Pea, sometimes just the fact you can turn up and see me with-out getting on a plane makes me really happy” He stands back up and offers his hand out to help me to my feet, chivalrous Jared is chivalrous today. There’s a small kiss to my lips which has me dusting myself down as he moves away because I’ve now got sawdust on my face which I brush off and it lands on Raisin’s head making her sneeze and once again glare at Jared “What dog face? Now you listen don’t pee in Mommy’s bag again… RIGHT oh hang on before you go…” He produces a fabric tape measure from his pocket and wraps it around my head “You’re going to need a hard hat to keep coming in here, shall I get you one too Raisin? I wonder if they make hard hats for pup-pies?”   
“We’re leaving…”   
We’re doing a lot of regression stuff in therapy, and once I started picking apart my memories, try-ing to relate it to how I became more susceptible to an eating disorder (apart from being fat) and it’s like opening a flood gate. Memories that I’d locked away POUR out of me. I’ve woken Jared up to tell him about the time my Dad shouted at me for touching a piece of paper or what the bullies called me. Brains are weird. Once I started recalling the badder side of my childhood and adult life it kind of wipes out all the happy stuff and I’ve been feeling like a black cloud has been raining down on me. Like in Sabrina the Teenage Witch when Aunt Hilda feels ‘under the weather’ and she’s literally sat under a rain cloud. But I suppose better out than in right? By the time I leave I feel like a slight weight has been lifted but I still have to write down things… memories as they come to me no matter how insignificant I think they seem, sorry looks like sleeping lions won’t lie as I type out on my laptop at three am about the time my Mom fell over the dishwasher (I mean why is that significant?)   
Raisin is good company throughout of course she just sits on the couch next to me, laying down but her ears are up, listening to every word said. I swear I could just use her as a therapist seeing as all I’m getting for Suzanne is the similar head tilt and eye squint that Raisin does and Suzanne costs a lot more. I’m mentally exhausted by the time I get home, well to the pool house, all is quiet in the main house and Jared’s stretched out on the couch at the end of the bed watching TV, which is unlike him, unless he remembered his Netflix password and is binge watching again, as I get closer I realise there’s no sound on the TV and the subtitles are on, hence the look of utter concentration I guess but I’m confused as to why   
“Hey”   
“Shhhhh”   
“Waaahhh?”   
He points at the baby monitor next to him “Don’t wake up Harry”   
“Jared you do realise that you can hear her but she can’t hear you”   
“Are you serious?”   
“Of course I’m serious… It’s not a two way radio it’s just a monitor and a speaker”   
“Shannon told me I had to be quiet”   
“Where is Shannon?”   
“Gone to look at wedding venues or something with Char, they didn’t take Harry because... well just because… I can’t believe I’ve been sat here with the subtitles on, I’ll kill him the little shit”   
“Where’s Beast?”   
He points to the bed where Beast has taken up residence in the nest of pillows and comforter be-cause Jared got up last and never makes the bed “How was therapy?”   
“It was therapy…” I sit on the couch next to him Raisin in my arms who wriggles away from me to give Jared kisses, I guess she’s not mad with him anymore   
“Hey shit head… how’s it going huh? Do you think there’s something wrong with her? She’s still so tiny”   
“She’s just taking her time is all, can I tempt you into removing your clothing and getting into bed with me?” Sex with my husband has become kind of routine after my sessions with Suzanne kind of I talk about all this bad stuff then my reward is a massive orgasm courtesy of Jared but just as he raises his eyebrows and puts Raisin on the floor Harry’s familiar wail rings out of the monitor. He gets up to go, he adores caring for Harry but only because he gets to give her back after a couple of hours “I’ll get naked and wait for you then”   
He puts a kiss to the end of my nose and I know there’s going to be no throwing me around the pool house, no spanking, no biting instead that slow circular motion he makes with his hips as he pulls us as close to each other as humanly possible whispering words of love “Don’s start without me though…” The wailing gets louder “Alright Harry I’m coming…”


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

I’d finished soothing and changing Harry AND slathered her gums with teething gel AND just got her back in her crib when my rat bag brother appeared in the nursery meaning all my hard work is about to be ruined now Daddy is home as she’ll want fusses from him seeing as she’s still awake and knows he’s there   
“Hey”   
“I’m mad at you”   
“For telling you the baby monitor was two way? Sorry… how long did it take?”   
“Three episodes of Game of Thrones with subtitles and Little Pea coming home and telling me… SO anyway I’m gonna go erm…”   
He passes me and walks towards Harrys cot, just sticking his head over, pulling faces at her, tickling her while I wipe my hands, don’t want to put numbing gel all over my wife’s body don’t think that would be good I want her to feel what I’m going to do to her  
“How did you know Amelia was the right one to marry?”   
I sigh because now isn’t the time to have this conversation, I’ve got a naked wife waiting for me… “I just did, I think though that you know you’ve kind of got to marry Char she’s the mother of your child”   
“Yeah I know I just… does it not terrify you that Amelia is the only person you’ll have sex with for the rest of your life?”   
“No… plus marriages you know they’re not like they were, some of them don’t make it, so as much as it hurts me to say it there might be something that pushes us apart and she won’t be the last person I ever have sex with… Right now though she IS the only person for me, you know that, you never once put your big brother act on with her, you knew she was right, just as I did”   
“Why is marriage so terrifying?”   
“I was only scared of the ceremony in the end, not the being married, she’s my… well yeah, have you and Char had a fall out?”   
“No not at all… it’s just… I proposed I want to marry her, it’s just so huge you know?”   
“I’d say that little poop machine there was the huge thing, the wedding is nothing, all it’ll mean is you’ll all have the same surname really… Look I’m gonna go back to the pool house erm…”   
“Oh I get it… leave me in my hour of need for the sake of your dick” Not really my dick more her… “I’m joking, however I don’t think there will be a ceremony at the Grand Plaza for me and Char”   
“Me and Amelia wanted to just elope but we did it really for everyone else, so I guess Mom’s had her big wedding, you wanna get married on a beach barefoot and eat barbequed ribs you do that, no one will mind, if it’s what YOU want”   
“Thanks… maybe this one will walk down the aisle with Mommy huh?” Harry is pulling herself up in her cot as best she can so she can grab her Daddy “Are you still here? Scat”   
He makes motions for me to vanish and leave him to probably continue his heart to heart with someone who can’t answer him back. I don’t see Char, maybe she’s in the bathroom or bedroom it seems really quiet as I cross the back yard to the pool house. Right Little Pea I am all yours now, I bet she’s asleep… “Hey you’re awake… and naked…”   
She’s laid out on top of the comforter, totally naked, with the exception of her glasses as she’s reading something on her iPad “Yes I said I would be what took you so long?”   
“Shannon… asking weird… yeah” I can’t concentrate when she’s naked like this, just so confident in herself that she’s not laid in a certain way to try and cover parts of herself nor is she trying to be seductive which of course makes it all the more seductive “Where are the furry faces?”   
“Couch” I look at the couch where I see Beast stretched out and Raisin nesting in his tummy fur like it’s her own personal cat fur coat. Well at least they’re out of the way and I won’t get my toes bit-ten like the other day. Amelia thought she’d hurt me, but it was Raisin who’d sunk her little fangs into my toes making me yell, probably thought I was hurting her Mommy, if only she knew. I’m stripping my own clothes off and just throwing them on the floor. I’ll clean up later. Right now I need to feel her naked skin against mine just hold it against me. Since she came out of hospital she’s gained back the weight she lost and maybe a couple of pounds more (don’t tell her I said that) but it makes her even more beautiful she’s all round and soft, not hard and jagged bones like she was before. Her boobs are bigger just a bit, she’s not had to buy new clothes or underwear she just fills them a little bit better, it suits her, her cheeks are rounder (ass and face), and I just cannot get enough of it.   
Nights like tonight are ones when I just… I don’t know, I still want to throw her around (I ALWAYS want to throw her around) but right now I just want to touch her with my hands my lips, all those little bits of herself she hates for whatever reason they’re the parts I pay special attention to, and you know what, if she didn’t mention them as a hang up I wouldn’t know they were there.   
“Hello wife” I lay myself down next to her, moving her iPad on to the floor, she goes to take her glasses off but I move her hand away, silently letting her know I want her to keep them on. I kiss her before she can open her mouth to speak, I kiss her lips, her cheeks, her ears, her eyelids, all over her face before I move down and kiss every inch of her body, everywhere and anywhere I can reach, I like to draw on her skin with my finger tips and watch as the goose bumps come up in the patterns I’ve just made. She’s fairly silent as I go, just happy sighs and gentle whimpers of pleasure, I turn her on to her front knowing that her back is her favourite place for me to touch and kiss, I use my hands and lips to kneed, rub, fondle, stroke, to the point I think if you were to ask her how she was feeling she’d say she felt like she was laying on a cloud. I know she’s getting to the point where she needs us to be joined, I am too but I love the way she shifts, pushes her butt up, widens her legs, silent signals letting me know she needs me, wants me, loves me. This posi-tion with her on her front, me on top of her, is… it’s something else, it’s not got the roughness of when she’s on her hands and knees, this is all about me doing the work and I want to, I want to make her cum I want to make her feel good about herself. The second I push inside her she gasps into the pillows and I know why I can feel her G-Spot against my dick already pumped up from her being so turned on by me. I cannot tell you how much that swells my pride that after two and half years, more than two and a half years that it’s still me that makes her do that, that turns her on and she still wants me as much as I want her. I take it slow and steady at first so I can rub her back with my hands as I go, I drag my motions out, circling my hips feeling the sensation of her pelvic floor muscles just pulling at me, pulling me further in, tightening around me.   
“Mmmmm” the sounds she makes when we make love like this are… a symphony to my ears. I love the screaming and shouting and fuck me’s and harder, faster when she’s being badly be-haved, and when she’s calling me Sir makes my pulse rate soar, but these noises these gentle little noises that probably can’t be heard by even the animals that are close by they’re soothing they’re arousing they’re everything I could want to hear. Like the noises she made the first night we spent together, they’re the noises I hear when I’m drifting into sleep thinking about her when I’m away. She’s getting close I can tell by the slight tremble in her thighs, the way her butt is sticking higher up. I move my hands to grip her butt cheeks just sinking my fingers into the slightly rounder flesh there admiring how it jiggles slightly now, how the flesh on her hips moves instead of just bones sticking out “Gonna… oh…” it always takes me by surprise when she cums, no one of her orgasms is ever the same, and there’s always the surprise that I actually do make her cum. I’ve been with a fair share of fakers, and there is never anything fake in my wife’s orgasms. As soon as I know she’s nearly spent I relax slightly stop holding myself back in body and mind, sometimes I count back-wards to stop myself cumming or think about curtains anything other than her body underneath me until she’s cum then I let it go. It doesn’t take long all I’ve got to do is open my eyes and look down at myself fucking her… I feel everything start to tense and my body shakes as I cum. I don’t think any of the orgasms she’s give me are ever the same or ever will be. Yet another reason I mar-ried her.   
“Ok?” I pull myself away and lay down on my front next to her, she’s kind of encased in her own hair so I push it behind her ear, making sure I feel the weird lump on the back of it. That lump is one of those things that could never be cloned and how I always know it’s my wife and not an im-poster.   
“Yes…” She wiggles forwards slightly and kisses me just a little peck “I erm… oh hang on… I need to pee… sorry it’s my age…” I laugh to myself as she kind of waddles towards the bathroom, definite-ly did my job right if she can’t quite walk. There’s some commotion coming from in there, a bit of cursing by the sounds of things, rummaging sounds “JARED?”   
“Yes?”   
“Have I erm… bled on you?” What? Is she ok? Bled on what? I look down at my dick, nope nothing there, sheets are clean too (apart from cat hair)   
“No… are you ok?” She comes back out in a pair of black panties and I know them straightaway even though I’ve not seen them for a while   
“Yeah my erm… my period started” This is good, no not because she’s not pregnant but they’d stopped because of her relapse them starting again is a sure sign she really is getting better.   
“Do you need anything?”   
“No I’m fine, but my boobs hurt and I think I’m a bit bloated at the tops of my legs and butt, sorry”   
“Why are you apologising?”   
“I don’t know” She lays down again next to me wrapping herself around me   
“It’s a good thing because one you’re not pregnant, and two you’re getting better” There’s been pregnancy freak outs and a multitude of tests, but they stopped because she was poorly not be-cause she was carrying a litter “What would you do if I wanted a baby?”   
“Do you want a baby? Or are you just enamoured with Harry and think it might be a good idea?”   
“I asked what you would do IF I DID want a baby?”   
“I would have your baby, but Jared you’re in your forties, I would be an older Mommy there’s no guarantee we would be able to HAVE a baby and I could NEVER put myself through what V did with IVF I just couldn’t, sorry, maybe we could adopt”   
“Did you ever want a baby?”   
“Yeah at some point I guess but the older I got and I didn’t have one the less I did want one, do you really want one?”   
“Honestly no, I love Harry but in small doses, I can give her back, I think the furries are enough and cheaper”   
“Well…” She strokes my beard with her fingertips, petting it almost “If your beard gets any bigger it’ll become an extra pet I’ll call it BEARDO the Magnificent”   
“You’re amazing”   
“You’re sex drunk” Her stomach rumbles and loudly, she always gets embarrassed by it and I al-ways feel guilty that I haven’t made sure she’s eaten “And I am really hungry apparently”   
“I’ll go cook something?”   
“Shall we go get drive thru? I could eat like a whole bucket of fried chicken right now, with gravy”   
I kiss her forehead “Anything you want Little Pea anything you want…”   
 


	27. Chapter 27

Two things, one when Ellen says she wants you on the show she doesn’t hang about and two my husband is really fucking annoying when he’s bored, he actually rolled me out of bed and on to the floor this morning so I got up on time. Jared I’m tired, I can’t help it, it’s my medications, and my weird body doing even weirder things now it’s started my period again. But I suppose you real-ly shouldn’t be late for the queen. When I’m introduced to her before the show I manage to smile and nod in the right places motor mouth Jared does all the talking but I know I’m gonna NEED to talk as the cameras actually roll. Raisin is with us but not Beast, he’d freak out he hates people. Jared laughs as I have my hair and make-up done, because apparently I pull faces that are incredi-bly entertaining and keep trying to touch my newly coiffured hair only to have my hands batted away by the stylist.  
I am beyond nervous, I don’t think I’ve got legs anymore. I’m wearing what V would describe as my armour, the things that make me feel most fabulous my pirate boots, my years old jeans that went out of fashion only to come back in I’ve had them so long and a polka dot blouse that Jared seems to have a certain affection to says it makes me look like a naughty secretary. I’m told she won’t ask certain questions, Emma and Steph and Shayla are talking at me at a hundred miles an hour but I cannot hear a word they’re saying. We line up to go on and Raisin is still in my arms I think that everyone is expecting me to hand her over to someone but instead I take her out with me. Which makes for a hilariously awkward entrance because no one knows if they’re supposed to follow me out and take her, or if they’re supposed to leave her with me. Ellen doesn’t let it phase her in the slightest, she greets us all warmly as if she’s known us forever and we sit down next to each other on a couch with Raisin between us sitting remarkably still considering all the people.   
We talk brutally about my illness, how it affects me, Jared, my family, my friends, the foundation Jared has set up to send people clean nightwear and toothbrushes. It’s got to be one of the frank-est discussions about it all to be televised anywhere ever I think. I kind of think I’m outside of my-self talking about it all, like looking at another person. I manage to hold it all together and not cry, although I can’t say the same for Jared, daft lion sitting next to me looking all teary. We discuss treatment options for people to seek, how to ask for help, how to recognise when people have a problem.   
“Well now that’s all that out of the way… I need to ask the real serious questions… one WHO is that adorable creature between you and two how did you two meet?”   
“I’ll answer the first one shall I?” Jared pulls Raisin on to his knee and waves her paw at the cam-era, I of course roll my eyes because seriously what? “THIS is Raisin the pug, aka PUGGY Smalls aka The Notorious PUG she’s cute huh? I bought her for Amelia when she came out of the hospital, thought they could take care of each other”   
“Well she is just adorable, I bet everyone will want one now”   
“We have a cat too called Beast, but he hates people so we couldn’t bring him too, he’ll be sulking around at home… Jared bought him for me for Christmas, I don’t know what it is about him and buying me animals, I mean I have enough with him looking all like a lion” I kind of blurted that out I didn’t mean to and from the corner of my eye I see Jared blush, it’s not a secret I mean his license plate says it I just don’t know if people know I gave him the name, well they do now “ANYWAY we met in the supermarket, he held my hand, told me my name sounded pornographic and then I had to put my head in the freezer to stop myself melting like the witch in the Wizard of Oz”   
“Jared?”   
“That’s pretty much exactly what happened, it took a while but I eventually won her over with my magic charms”   
“He stalked me”   
“Yeah that’s true too, well kind of, we seemed to keep running into each other, sometimes it was on purpose sometimes not”   
“Amelia is it true you ran away?”   
“Kind of I mean he’s Jared Leto, and he just starts talking to me about things… and it was weird I actually thought for a while it was all in my head on our first proper date my friend had to drive me over there to stop me running away completely and moving to Alaska”   
“I didn’t know that”   
“Well no because half of the time you can’t see past your beard”   
“Says the woman who accidentally put too much mascara on and couldn’t see through her own eyelashes”   
“Do you guys still go on dates?”   
“Does going to IKEA and arguing about couches count as a date?”   
“I would think to some that counts as a romantic weekend away”   
“In which case we date ALL THE TIME… we’re renovating our apartment so furniture stores have become our other home, in fact I think the last meal we sat down to together was in the IKEA can-teen because we’re really glamorous”   
“How do you make your marriage work?”   
I go to speak, but Jared gets there first “When you meet the right person you don’t need to make things work because they do anyway, we have battles, we fight, just like everyone else, she jab-bers during the middle of Game of Thrones, I leave the toilet seat up and wet towels all over the floor, and currently we live in a pool house, which is kind of like living with our parents, but still it works, it just does, and that’s when you’ll know you’ve met the right person because you just won’t question it ever”   
“Never a truer word spoken… well thank you SO much for coming both of you, and bringing little Raisin there as well, I appreciate your honesty in all you have said today as I’m sure a lot of other people will…” Ellen gets up to do her ‘wrap’ to the camera while me and Jared stay on the couch he wraps his arm tightly round me and I forget where we are and that cameras can still see us   
“Ok Little Pea?”   
“Yeah was that ok?”   
“Such a worrier, you were brilliantly dazzling as always”   
“Thanks again guys” The cameras are off and we’re warmly embraced as a couple by the queen of all that is brilliant, V is gonna lose her shit over all this, I wanted her to come but she’s too fed up to move at the moment, even for Ellen “Come and see us again soon huh? And Amelia take care seriously…”   
“I will”   
We head over to the apartment after leaving the TV studios, assistants disperse, Steph complaining loudly that she had to put clothes on that weren’t her pyjamas and that she’s only two episodes away from the end of Orange is the New Black, Emma slinks of to see her beau, we think they’re moving in together but nothing has been confirmed and Shayla just does whatever it is Shayla does. He needs them less and less at the moment, I’m sure when he’s ready to roll with the next album everyone will be at full force but this is kind of nice. I get my husband without having to fight my way through a harem of people and the afore mentioned harem get to do other things than trail around after his twirling ass all day.   
Walls are up, well the few walls that are going to be there, two bedrooms, guest room will be en suite and the main bedroom has these crazy closet kind of tunnel things at either side of the room one for each of us. I’ve had to reel Jared in, put my foot down over a couple of things because se-riously, how the hell are we going to have a lap pool up here? (He wanted to run it around the edge of the main room like a moat, thankfully it was pointed out it was too heavy with the water alone never mind the concrete) but there IS a hot tub going in the bathroom because all that space Little Pea we may as well put something in there. Everything else is going to be one HUGE room with a mezzanine floor at both ends one half is for me to paint in and whatever else my little artistic heart desires and at the other end is this crazy fucking box type thing which is soundproof, it’s like the lab but in miniature, it’s gonna be erm cosy that’s for sure. There’s wires everywhere which I’m assured will be hidden I hate wires and I have two animals that like to chew things, anything they shouldn’t, so a load of wire is like putting a three course meal in front of them. The first ‘issue’ we encounter is with one of those animals, Raisin to be specific, I climb up the stairs which are quite steep on to my upper part of the floor to go over the lighting I want up there with the electrician and Raisin tries to follow me and fails miserably, she just can’t do it, so Jared puts her in a bucket and we kind of lever her up to me where she runs a lap then gets back in the bucket herself to go back down.   
“Raisin, you’re a rubbish dog you know that right?”   
“SO we do have a child that’s still alive?” I look down to the entrance way and see my parents, I think… I know I’ve been avoiding seeing them, just so much fuss you know? I get it bad enough from Jared, where is Jared? “IS this our new furry grandchild?” I lower the bucket down to my Mom who scoops Raisin out of it and the dog goes to town on her, maybe we smell alike? But my Mom’s face is smothered with doggy kisses much to my Dad’s amusement.   
“Hey, other parents, what are you guys doing here?” Jared warmly greets my parents, they’re not mad at him but they look mad at me “Little Pea are you stuck up there? Do I have to lower YOU down in the bucket?”   
“No”   
“You two are dressed mighty fancy for two people on a building site” I manage to get down the ladder come staircase, slipping on the last step where Jared catches me and puts me right so I can hug my parents “That’s a pretty blouse Amelia but I know you’ve not started dressed like an actual lady so where have you been hmmm?”   
“We went on Ellen I told you”   
“No you didn’t you said you were doing it you didn’t say when, can we watch it online?”   
“It’s not been aired yet Dad”   
“Ok then… ANYWAY we were in the neighbourhood and well, we called Constance first and she said she’d been to Shannon’s and you weren’t there so here we are, now come and have dinner with us huh? Seeing as you’re all…” My Mom looks me up and down “…dressed like a real person, we’ll go somewhere in Hollywood then we can take the dog, because she’s so cute yes she is… I could just put her right in my bag”   
“Mom don’t she peed in mine I had to get a new iPhone”   
“Right well yes… take her back then” Raisin is put back in my arms where she kind of glares at my Mom, I know the feeling dog I know the feeling “Jared?”   
“Fine with me…” I think he’s trying to gauge the situation, there isn’t one really I know my Mom means well she just comes off so stand offish   
“GOOD”   
“But ANNA you said I could look round”   
“No Arthur you’ll get filthy, now come on, I’m sure both these two have got plans and photos on their phones you can see… right?”   
“YUP come on Dad, it’s so dusty in here it all gets in Jared’s beard and he looks like he’s in ZZ Top”   
“Alright little one, but I get to come back in my overalls and look another time”   
“Whenever you want Dad”   
****************************************************************************************   
“I feel like I’m gonna fall through the door”   
“You’re not… gonna… oh fuck… STAY STILL AMELIA” My husband has a thing about fucking me against surfaces made of glass. I’m not complaining. I like that I can see and feel him fucking me. He’s got me pushed against the door to the pool house, my hands flat on the glass (which I swear I can feel moving under my fingertips) “Ok?”   
“Yes”   
“Good” his hand snakes down my front and moves to rub my clit in time with his thrusts. Why do we have such a thing for sex standing up, I guess he likes to feel big and I like to feel small and you lose proportions when you’re laying down “Your clit is fucking throbbing against my fingers, you’re close huh?”   
I have no idea what got him so worked up? I’m not even undressed I’ve just got my dress pushed up and my panties pulled down. I brought some groceries in, a tub of Nutella some bread, wasn’t as if I came in with a bag of sex toys “I’m gonna…” I am gonna fucking burst or fall through the door, I’m holding it back because I think if I let go and lose myself I really will fall through the door. There’s added pressure from his hand and the other one which was on my hip is brought up and my breasts are groped and hard at that. Well there’s no way I could fall through the door now so I let myself relax into orgasm my body shaking against his as he cums too “What the fuck was that all about?”   
“Well one happy anniversary and two that dress drives me crazy, I’ve been thinking about it since I saw your Instagram post earlier now as a celebration of our six months union…” He still has hold of me his grip tightens and he pulls open the door to the pool house. I’m like a helpless doll in his arms ain’t no amount of wriggling going to get me out of this one, what the fuck is he doing?  
“Jared? What are you doing?” We’re getting closer to the edge of the water, no Jared DO NOT… he swings me back and then forwards letting me go so I fly through the air and land in the centre of the pool with a big splash. Well it’s a good job I didn’t have my phone in my pocket huh? “You shit-head”   
“Yup” We’ve disturbed Raisin who’s come out of the pool house and is barking at Jared’s feet as he jumps in the water with me, fully clothed. Shannon and Char have taken Harry to see her par-ents so they’re gone all weekend, I don’t know if it was a trip especially planned so me and Jared could… well I hope not I mean we could have gone away ourselves for the weekend but we do like being home birds. Well cave birds, I swear if he could just put a big rock across the door he would, but then how would Raisin and Beast get in and out “So happy anniversary Mrs Leto”   
“I’m mad at you…you threw me in the pool”   
“Yup…” There’s another splash and we look round to see Raisin who’s decided that if we’re swim-ming she’s swimming, life jacket be dammed “Hey Raisin… ANYWAY it’s been a tough six months of marriage huh? Not exactly the first six months I envisioned… so… let’s start off the second half of our first year with a little bit of fun”   
“And throwing me in the pool is how we’re starting that?”   
“YUP” He’s got my back against the wall of the pool I think he’s trying to be seductive but it’s kind of hard when there’s a pug treading water next to us “Raisin just… urgh where’s your life jacket?”   
“Jared she’s a dog”   
“Yes but that doesn’t mean she’s stupid… RAISIN OUT” she takes her time over it and shakes her wet fur all over us but she does as he says and gets out and lays down at the side of the pool “SO my lovely wife, what would you like to do to mark this momentous occasion?”   
“Erm can we sit down and watch Orange is the New Black and eat pizza? Vegan cheese though, normal cheese makes me feel sick”   
“Yes… yes we can come on… I think getting in the pool clothes ON was one of my less good ideas, we’ll try it again later without them”   
“We are not fucking in this pool Jared”   
“I didn’t say we were going to fuck in it I said we were getting in it with less clothing… YOU” He leans forwards and I shit you not licks my face “…have an overly active imagination come on out…”   
We lounge on the couch dressed in our wedding present robes stuffing our faces, Raisin falls off the couch, Jared gets a bit giddy over the gay sex in Orange is the New Black (seriously Jared you are supposed to be you know a man of the world, a couple of scenes of soft core lesbian action and he’s nearly falling off the couch giggling like a twelve year old).   
“Oh I got you something…” I think it might be the most money I’ve ever spent on a gift ever but you know, I’ve put him through six months of hell instead of six months of honey mooning around the place. I kiss him and go over to the drawer at my side of the bed to retrieve it only to have him follow me “Jared?”   
“I got you something too, now I know I know blah blah blah whatever” He leans down to the drawer at his side of the bed and pulls out a bag, a bag identical to the one I just pulled out of my side of the bed, that I’m now standing with in my hands looking at him as if he’s just grown another head “Erm…”   
“Erm…”   
“Why do you have one of those bags?”   
“I told you I got you a present, why do YOU have one of those bags?”   
“I got YOU a present” Is this one of those great minds think alike things? There’s no way that what’s IN the bags are the same things is there? “Come on let’s sit down…”   
We end up sitting cross legged on the bed both still clasping out individual bags so they don’t get mixed up “Ok well I’ll go first I got you this because well, I’m sorry our first six months of married life haven’t gone to plan” I hand him the bag and he puts it to one side and hands me the one he was holding   
“And this is for you for the same reason”   
“It’s not your fault”   
“And it’s not yours open your gift Amelia” I knew it as soon as my fingers hit the box in the bag I knew exaIctly what it was, and I will kill him what am I going to do with it I can’t wear it all the time   
“Jared…”   
“Nope don’t you dare say anything right now Amelia you have bought me thousands of dollars’ worth of Cartier watch”  
“I know why you don’t wear your Creeps ones anymore and besides I can’t wear this all the time…” I hold up my Cartier Love Bracelet, silver… no white gold apparently, twinkling diamonds shining reflective light around the room “I mean it’s beautiful but what if I lose it?”   
“Well see that’s the thing about these…” He scoots over to me, putting his watch to one side and pulls the box from my hand “See this?” He holds up a screwdriver as I nod “I keep this, I erm… lock you into the bracelet, it won’t come off not ever, not unless I take it off”   
“Diamonds”   
“Diamonds Little Pea… I’m going to put it on ok? Look on the inside of it first” It’s engraved of course it reads ‘Eternity x’ “Because… I will love you for all eternity…” he slips it on to my wrist and using the screwdriver locks it on there, left wrist same wrist as my Tiffany’s bracelet he bought me, then he slips the screwdriver into the little red velvet pouch and slides into the drawer at his side of the bed  
“Your watch is engraved too”   
“Of course it is, great minds think alike” He holds it up to see where it says ‘Forever x’, smiles at me and then slips it on to his wrist “I love it Little Pea thank you”   
“I don’t need white gold…”   
“Platinum… it’s platinum Little Pea you’re worth more to me than gold, you’re worth more to me than platinum but you know…”   
“WELL…”   
“I agree”   
“You don’t even know what I’m going to say”   
“You’re going to say maybe we should limit ourselves on gifts”   
“Yeah I was because…”   
“Because I like to spoil you?”   
“Jared…” I crawl over the bed so I’m in his lap and Raisin who’s learnt that she can climb on the bed from the couch at the foot of it joins us in a tangle of limbs “YOU I need YOU not designer back-packs and Cartier jewellery, pedigree animals…” he raises his eyebrows come on Jared I KNOW both of our animals have enough pedigree between them to win endless championships “I need you Jared not things, and as much as I love THIS” because I really do, I’m going to buy a sweatband to go over the top while I paint so nothing touches it “I love you more, so… when it’s Christmas and Birthdays”   
“And anniversaries”   
“And anniversaries… $500 MAXIMUM”   
“I couldn’t even buy you half a Saint Laurent jacket for that”   
“I can buy my OWN Saint Laurent jacket”   
“You’re so AWKWARD”   
“But you love me anyway”   
“I love you anyway” He lays me down on my back and hovers over the top of me all smiles and kisses and hands in my hair despite Raisin being on the bed too, his hand creeps into the top of my robe and I’m pushing myself closer to him when the bungalow door flies open   
“SHIT SORRY SORRY” I slump back into the mattress and try and cover myself up so I don’t flash Shannon and Jared pulls himself away from me sits up turning to his brother. Maybe we should have stayed at the lab “Harry’s got the chicken pox just heads up so we’ve come back early”   
And now we really are going to the Lab “Oh… right ok…” I stand up off the bed nearly toppling Rai-sin and Jared on the floor as I go, I’ve got my robe pulled up over my face “SHANNON don’t touch anything” He’s half way into the bungalow looking at a book of Jared’s open on the arm of the couch   
“Little Pea?”   
“We have to go… we’ll erm… we’ll go to my parents, shit no that’s no good”   
“What are you talking about?”   
“SHANNON stop breathing near me” I can feel my heart rate going up, my breathing getting shal-low, and here comes the panic attack, my cell rings and it’s V. Jared looks hugely confused and slides it to answer putting it on speaker “Hello”   
“Char just text me, Amelia it’s OK, alright deep breaths, pack a bag, and get to your parents, when you get there call Dr Hartman straightaway ok? You’re gonna have to stay away from me this time, you’re gonna need enough stuff for at least seventy two hours… Am I on speaker? Who’s there? Shannon? Jared?”   
“What the fuck is going on?” Shannon is standing in the doorway with his hands in the air not knowing which way to look, it must look like a fucking weird scene even for us, open Cartier boxes and bags strewn around, empty pizza boxes, Netflix on pause, people in robes and Shannon in what I swear is a onesie   
“Shannon when did Harry break out?”   
“This morning”   
“Right ok Amelia it’s OK, have you seen Harry?”   
“NO only Shannon”   
“OK Jared listen to me, Amelia go pack… Shannon leave the room you’re freaking her out I’ll call Char in a minute ok?” Shannon shuffles out of the bungalow as I dash about putting panties and bras in a bag with my meds and iPad, I’ve got some stuff there I’ll wear that, I’ll drive over there in my robe we need to get out of here and quick “Jared, Amelia can’t fight chicken pox, her body just can’t do it, she’s gonna need you to take her to her parents try NOT to touch anything Shannon has on the way, lots and lots of purell ok? Can you hear me?”   
“Yes” Finally he realises the severity of the situation and starts to move himself, putting his own things in the bag I’ve got open on the bed “I’ll get her out of here, who’s Dr Hartman?”   
“That’s her everyday Dr, he’ll need to prescribe a dose of antibiotics that will kill it before it breaks out hopefully… right I’m gonna call Char, I’ll text you later ok?”   
“OK” we say that in unison, Jared’s pulling Beast’s carrier out of the cupboard “Jared we need to go”   
“Why didn’t you tell me?”   
“I didn’t think it would matter”   
“What happens if you get it?”   
“It’s kind of like the flu but my body breaks out in these huge blisters and it affects my internal or-gans, I had the jab when I was a kid but it didn’t work, I’ve had it four times in my life it’s the worst seriously, I’m gonna go in my robe”   
“Yeah me too”   
“Sorry”   
“Don’t be”   
“And just when we thought we were clear of disaster”   
“Eternity huh?”   
“Forever Jared…”   
   
I don’t get it, the chicken pox I mean. And maybe my Mum and me go a bit over board with the cleaning, even the animals are bathed in antiseptic wash, Beast is less than impressed and goes to hide in my Dad’s office for the entire of our stay. Jared looks bemused by it all until my Mom shows him a pic of the second time I had it and I ended up in hospital. Dr Hartman comes out and gives me AND Jared shots and doses of pills even though Jared did have the jab, he has to do it anyway. God I put him through so much, and he just does it without a fight or a cross word or a sulk. Some anni-versary, maybe for our year anniversary I can fall through a pane of glass and end up getting stitched back together in the ER. Poor Harry is really sick with it and ends up with her own load of medications, but after a week we go back to the bungalow as the contagious part of it will be over and my Mum has been in there with the antibacterial wipes as well, she may be a prickly prick sometimes but she steps it up when I need her.   
If it was weird living in the pool house it’s even weirder being back at my parents, we should have gone to Constance’s or the dreaded Lab. My Mom is all over the place, Jared is just Jared and spends loads of time listening to my Dad prattle on about all kinds of things. We take the Jordan Catalano poster down on the first night we stay there. I IG a photo of him holding it before it’s rolled up and put in the closet, I blatantly know that it’ll go back up at some point. We squish our-selves into the bed, it’s not a double but it’s not a single either, it’s kind of in between, and much smaller than anything we’re used to, I fall out the first night, well Raisin pushes me out, she may be small but she’s got a good shove on her when she wants something. We spend as much time as we can NOT there as I don’t feel like I belong there anymore, I belong with Jared who’s really busy with stuff that week so I get my Mum asking a myriad of questions over dinner, which she makes me sit and eat, watching me like a hawk. Mother I don’t know where he is every second of the day, doing Jared type things where he twirls about I don’t ask him continuous questions. There’s his life, there’s my life and then there’s OUR life which is why things work for us urgh god woman, and besides he’s a good doggy Daddy and takes Raisin out so I can work on a commission without a pug licking up paint of the palette. Just well, so much for our anniversary celebrations…   
When we get back to Shannon’s I’ve got a HUGE bunch of flowers for Char because she’s had a really shitty week and me freaking out on top of it was not what she needed “I’m sorry”   
“You’re sorry? God Little Pea I’m sorry we should have called I had no idea are you ok? No spots?”   
“Nah… and you shouldn’t have had to call this is YOUR house… I didn’t know babies could get it so early”   
“She’s a special case apparently thanks for the flowers and OH MY GOD what is that around your wrist?” She pulls the flowers from my hand puts them down on the kitchen counter and grabs my wrist drawing it up to her face “Cartier?”   
“Cartier, Jared… anniversary”   
“SPOILT”   
“I know I feel bad, I’ve put him through not a very good first six months of marriage”   
“OH hush it, he’s still as in love with you as he ever was, if not more sorry madam interrupted your anniversary weekend”   
“WELL we just kind of sat on the couch eating pizza so we just did that at my parents”   
“Shannon have you seen this?” She grabs my wrist again and waves it in his direction “LOOK Car-tier, I gave you a child and I don’t get Cartier”   
“And I didn’t nearly lose you did I? Welcome home Little Pea, where’s Lord Shit?”   
“Pool house trying to persuade Beast it’s safe to come back out even though it smells like antisep-tic, sorry if my Mom went a bit over board there”   
“Well she showed me the photo of you virtually in a coma, seriously chicken pox? That’s so ran-dom”   
“I know I just can’t fight it at all but anything else, measles, mumps, all those other nasty child type germs and I’m fine but chicken pox I get the spots but INSIDE my body on my lungs or whatever, it’s pretty bad… RIGHT well thanks for having us back”   
“Hey you’re welcome we like having you guys here, I’ve seen his watch by the way VERY nice, see Charlotte I gave YOU a child and I don’t have a Cartier watch”   
I leave Charlotte and Shannon bickering, but in good fun, about their lack of expensive jewellery and head back to the pool house, Jared’s got all the windows open letting the evening air in and the smell of sterile hospitals out. Beast is sitting at the foot of the bed still not sure what to make of it all but at least he’s not run off in to a corner hiding  
“SO shall we pretend the last week didn’t happen and have our celebration now?”   
“Do you mean shall we sit back down and binge watch Netflix?”   
“Yes Little Pea come here” He pulls me towards me and we tumble down on the couch “I love you”   
“Love you too”   
“Sorry this week was a bit rough maybe for the year anniversary and my birthday we could go to Thailand or India”   
“Nu-uh I told you, air conditioning, constant internet connection and western bathrooms or I am not going anywhere”   
“Where’s your sense of adventure?”   
“Wherever my immune system is”   
“Sorry”   
“Don’t be, but you wanna go on holiday we’ll go but to Italy or Paris or Hawaii I just can’t cope with jungle treks, and besides we went to Thailand we went on an elephant”   
“Yeah I think one elephant was enough to last a lifetime” He pulls me closer to him so I’m nearly sat on his knee, when we are alone and together he has to be as close to me as possible, when we’re out in public we can be a whole room between us and it doesn’t matter, we are not glued to each other permanently another reason that this crazy union works for us “So what’s on the Little Pea agenda?”   
“Where’s Raisin?”   
“Bathroom”   
“Doing what?”   
“Pug things… RAISIN…” I hear some shuffling and she trots out of the bathroom and jumps up on the couch with us “Hey shit head… RIGHT what’s the Little Pea plan?”   
“What’s the Jared plan?”   
“What is it you say I do? Twirl about? Well there’ll be some of that… some checking on the apart-ment, some wife type times and that’s about it, I suppose we should start recording an album at some point but well we’re all you know… doing non Mars things and everyone is chilling out for the first time in years and I just don’t want to disturb people just yet… SO what are you going to do?”   
“Commissions, husband things and erm… I’ve been asked to direct a music video”   
“WHAT? Why didn’t you tell me?”   
“I thought they’d asked the wrong Leto first but no they really do want me, I got the email from Steph earlier today, it’s for a band called Twenty One Pilots they toured with Fall Out Boy? They sound pretty cool but it’s only in the ideas stage they’ve given me a brief so I’ll come up with some stuff and get back to them, but I guess they thought it would be good publicity if I directed it or whatever? I’m nervous” I mean why would someone want me to direct their video? I made Steph call their manager twice to check they didn’t really want Jared well Bart but nope definitely me and for a stupid amount of money too, well I guess maybe I will let Jared buy an infinity bed (it’s like an infinity pool but a bed, it’s a bed in a bed on a bed, but hey we spend a lot of time in bed even when we’re not fucking so…)   
“And I’m VERY proud, you’re such a shrewd business woman, like the day when we climbed the mountain and you turned up in your ball busting suit, I’m always surprised when you submit to me when you do anything but in your work life”   
“I like being the little woman, because I’m kind of well not for the rest of my life… god I miss living alone and the sex toys… I kind of want you to chain me to the ceiling and spank me while pouring hot wax on me”   
“That’s kind of a bit erm… really?”   
“Well maybe not the hot wax but definitely with the restraining and the spanking god I love it when you spank me” I am so frustrated by our current vanilla sex, it’s not that I don’t get off, it’s not that he doesn’t make me cum, it’s not that I don’t like just being fucking pinned against things and pummelled into mattresses but the games I miss the games… I miss his spanking paddle and Satan and the restraints and most of all I miss the ability to do all that in the middle of the living room at three o clock in the afternoon if we want while I scream and shout and call him Sir and he calls me a whore and a slut and the sound of his hand hitting my ass can reverb around the apart-ment without anyone asking ‘what was that noise?’   
“I don’t know if I want the answer to this, but were you always erm… well kinky?”   
“Nope, you… I don’t know what you did, unlocked something, pulled something out of me, I thought sex was about having someone sweating on top of me for two minutes while I thought about my latest painting… if erm… they wanted something… else, I always felt well kind of forced so I would never enjoy it and therefore not do it but with you I never feel forced and I always en-joy”   
“You’re a weird little thing you know that right? Why me huh? Why did you love me… I mean I know you always loved me from afar but why me?”   
“Why me?”   
“I asked first…”   
“Because you are utterly terrifying, I never know what you’re going to do next, you’re wildly un-predictable, massively intelligent, the most caring person I know and incredibly sexy even when I see you scratch your butt and pick your ears plus you know these days it helps that you love me back”   
“Yeah I do… I liked your brain, I honestly don’t think it would have mattered that you look like you do I just wanted to talk to you, I wanted to know how you worked how you thought and then when I’d got a bit of a grip on that I couldn’t stop my brain wandering into how you’d look without anything on, plus you know I always liked a red head, so firey and quick, it was scary letting myself fall in love… I didn’t think… I’d not been letting anyone in then I couldn’t stop you I couldn’t block you out, you were just there in this space like you’d always been there and while it was terrifying it was just like it was never not like that, and yes you drive me crazy and yes you talk while I’m trying to watch things and it’s never even like anything sensible its nonsense like you’re talking to your-self, but there was a definite point where I realised I couldn’t lose you, that I cared more for you than I cared about me getting off and that was it… I probably loved you since I saw you in Whole Foods I just didn’t know… NOW whore… how about me and you get on the bed, you get on your knees and I’ll try and spank you as quietly as I can?”   
I grin from ear to ear, like the cat that got the cream, I pull myself away from him and over the back of the couch where there’s a huge smack to my ass as I go it really cracks, a full slap through the flimsy fabric of my dress.   
“What was that noise?” Shannon’s booming voice rings through the evening air where the win-dows have been left open to get the smell out   
DAMMIT   
   
OK again TWO things. One we have moved back into the apartment even though we are sleeping on the air mattress in the almost finished bedroom, but we decided that all we need was a bed-room and a bathroom, we could eat take outs or eat out and all would be fine we just needed to be home. And TWO I have found Jared’s priest outfit in a box that came back from the Lab.   
“Forgive me father for I have sinned” He’s got me on my knees, wrists bound, ankles bound, blind-folded, I think he’s in the room, I think…   
“Lord knows you have” Did I have a thing for priests? No but I mean all that pent up frustration from their vows of chastity kind of gets me going for some reason, and now we are home alone once again I wanted to play. Maybe I should be in a little catholic school girl uniform? Is that push-ing it too far? Who fucking cares I am SO naked it’s the middle of the afternoon and I am in no way going to be quiet here “Now what should I do with you as punishment?” My hair is pulled back with one hand and the other his fingers lace around my throat. I feel totally exposed, I’m so glad we’ve moved back home, this alone is worth sleeping on an air mattress for “I should take a cane to the backs of your legs for being a filthy whore, such a shame I don’t know where it is right now…” His hand moves from my hair and I feel his fingertips just ghost across the backs of my thighs. DAM-MIT where is the box with the cane in? SHITIT I should feel lucky I found the box with the re-straints in “Amelia sounds like such a good catholic girls name too… tut tut tut, but good girls don’t play with themselves do they? Good girls aren’t constantly hungry for cock, nor do they dance around the apartment in skimpy nightwear” It’s very true, that last part, I found the night gown thing that was one of the wedding night options, it’s flouncy and red fairly see through, I put it on and went and stood between him and the TV, he wasn’t watching he was on his cell phone tex-ting. I think we may need to erm… refurnish the pool house, well a new mattress and couch any-way.   
There’s a flurry of movement, it’s so difficult to gauge, I don’t have very good balance but I’m moved so my back is against the floor and I feel as he lifts my legs above my head and puts his mouth to my core, jesus fucking Christ, he’s rough he’s so rough, mouth and hands, teeth and fin-gers. It has me almost gasping for air (this is one of the reasons I won’t let him gag me and he’s never pushed me on the matter) “FUCK”   
“Amelia Leto such disgraceful language, I’ll make you pray…” He starts up again, everything heats up, and I cum screaming and sweating tied up on the floor “That’s your first penance, but I don’t think god is ready to forgive you just yet” I’m pulled naked back scraping across the floor and for-wards I feel the hairs on his legs brush against the backs of mine. Times like this I wish I didn’t like being blindfolded so much so I could see. But that’s the point. I feel his dick throbbing against me, he pushes it between my folds rubbing it up and down, around my sensitive clit. Finally he fills me with it but his hips stay still, I’m held down with one hand and his other hand rubs my clit again, it’s so sensitive to his touch, I try and move, buck my hips up, slide against him but he’s too strong and I’m too tied up. I’m gonna cum again and I do, it’s different this time it’s solely just my clit that cums like it’s on fucking fire, like it got struck with a bolt of lightning. My instant response when I cum, when he makes me cum is to spread my legs but I can’t and he’s clearly finding it very amusing. His dick starts moving, but his hips don’t, he knows this frustrates me, he knows that me being tied up and submitting means me being pounded not slow and tender   
“Will you take my blindfold off?”   
“Are you ok?” There’s a genuine concern in his voice   
“Yes but want to see you… I mean if I’m allowed… Sir”   
“Oh I think you’ve earned it” He never pulls my hair when he ties it on or undoes the blindfold, never, and always the feel of his fingertips in my hair, on my face, and I just melt no matter what else we’re doing. I can see him now. He’s sat spread legged on the floor with me pulled into his lap in the middle of them, he’s naked except for the dam dog collar, maybe I could get him a lead, maybe he could get me a lead “Like what you see?”   
“Yes”   
“I’m going to make you cum again and then as you’re final punishment I’m going to pull you on to your knees and cum across your face” He starts to pound in to me dragging me back and forth his hands at my waist my legs still bound at the ankle rested against his shoulder. He’s so fucking cocky and sure of himself that I’m going to cum… AGAIN but I do oh god I do, he brings out all his best moves, hips circling, slowing down when he knows I’m ready to burst speeding up to the point I’m about to fall and then stopping again. I’m utterly over worked when he finally lets me fall and I do that thing, should have put a sheet down… He nearly loses it at that I know he does, I see as his face gets redder and his chest swells as if he’s holding his breath. My shaking trembling body is pulled onto its knees where he stands above me, dick in one hand balls in the other, and I am now regretting taking the blindfold off because I do not know where the eye wash is “Do you want it?”   
“Yes Sir”   
“How much?”   
I look up at him dead in the eye and lick my lips “I want your hot cum across my tongue and down the back of my throat”   
“Say please”   
“Please… Sir” I close my eyes and stick out my tongue just in time for him to cum over it, across it, his juices running down my throat so I can swallow him down every last drop as he moans so loud-ly, god I missed HIM being loud as well as me being able to be loud   
He gets his breath back and unties me “Can you hear that?”   
“Hear what?”   
“THAT…” I strain to hear anything over the sound of my heart beat, then I hear it the sound of whining “RAISIN?”   
The sounds gets louder “She’s probably just pissed we shut her out the room” I get up off my knees and brush myself off grabbing my robe from the floor and pulling it on. Only she’s not on the other side of the door like I thought she would be, instead she’s laid on her side by the ladder to Jared’s weird pod thing “SHIT RAISIN SHIT JARED” When I get to her I can see she’s in distress and her front right leg is at a funny angle “Jared she’s broken her leg oh my god, call the doggy ambu-lance”   
“There isn’t a doggy ambulance I’m sure she hasn’t broken anything…” He comes up behind me in a vague state of dress and obviously sees what I do “Shit go and put some clothes on Little Pea… Alright Puggy Smalls it’s ok, we’ll get you fixed… shit she must have fallen from the ladder, Pugs don’t climb remember silly dog face” I dress as quickly as I can in whatever I can find first, a pair of shorts and a top of Jared’s, fuck putting a bra on my baby is hurt, should I make her a splint to hold her leg while we get in the car and to the vets office? Is the vets open? “Bring that hoodie of mine will you? We’ll wrap her up in that” I ram my feet into my flip flops and hand him the hoodie where he so carefully wraps her up and lifts her from the floor and into my arms, she whines but once she’s stationary in my hands she stops again, maybe it’s not broken. I am a bad doggy Mommy, my baby got hurt because I wanted Jared to dress up as a priest shit it.   
It takes entirely too long to get down there, we’re both quiet on the way although Jared repeated-ly assures me it’s no one’s fault, Pugs shouldn’t climb, but maybe we could get a baby monitor, we could Jared but I don’t think you’d have been able to hear over the sounds of us getting reac-quainted with being loud. She’s taken away from us when we get there, and we get glared at by everyone in there, so I cry, well I pretend I don’t but I do, this is worse than when Beast got his balls chopped off. We’re called into a little room and I think the floor is going to swallow me up, or my knees are going to buckle, Jared’s got a strong grip on my hand as we go in   
“Mr and Mrs Leto come in” I will never get used to that “SO Raisin took a fall huh? Puppies are troublesome little things especially Pugs they’ve only got little legs, I see from the notes you’ve got a cat as well?”   
“Yeah a Norwegian Forest Cat”   
“Splendid animals all tufty ears… and climbers as well, so I should think little Raisin just tried to imi-tate the cat and her body couldn’t do it and she fell… Now she has broken her leg, BUT it was a clean break and she’s only young so it’ll heal up just fine, we’ve put her in a cast, luckily it didn’t need to be set or pinned so... Here are some painkillers she’ll need to take, don’t let her get lazy, Pugs have a dreadful habit of being little tubs of lard and she’ll probably refuse to walk but she needs to move about, it won’t hurt her I assure you, maybe as well once the cast comes off in a month she could do some swimming that’ll help strengthen the bone again, I have to say she’s quite the character”   
“Is there anything else wrong with her?”   
“Not at all Mrs Leto”   
“She’s so small though I mean even for a pug”   
“No she’s exactly as she should be, maybe a little bit round around the middle but most Pugs are, but I’d watch if people are feeding her tit bits from the table”   
“My niece likes to share her food”   
“Ahh yes, children are often the culprit, right I’ll go get her, if I can get her away from the nurses they’ve really taken to her” He shuffles through a door in the back of the room, vets are weird creatures, I couldn’t do it but I would have had to do some basic vet training HAD I actually become a marine biologist. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to see animals die, but I guess the reward from helping them outweighs it? Jared’s really quiet texting away on his phone, one handed the little shit I have to use both hands and a lot of concentration he could probably do it in his sleep “Here we go” He comes back in with Raisin in his arms, and she’s got the dinkiest little pink cast on her leg, she seems really happy even for her “She’s had a fair amount of pain relief so she’s quite happy right now but she’ll probably crash out… no special diets needed but a fair amount of fuss I should think”   
She’s passed back to me where I get kisses to my face and admire the neatness of her cast, maybe I could paint on it jazz it up a bit “Thank you”   
“You’re very welcome… any problems come back straightaway but if not we’ll see you in three weeks so we can x-ray her again make sure everything is as it should be and then a couple of weeks later and I should think we can take that nasty thing off huh Raisin?”   
“Thank you again”   
“Not a problem, pay at the desk”   
I pay an astronomical bill at the front desk, we could have gone to the Bahamas for that amount of money I just paid out for a cast that’s no bigger than my middle finger, luckily she’s insured and it’ll be reimbursed but NO WONDER vets ride around in flash cars and live in big houses. Jared has been super quiet, he mumbled a thank you but he’s still texting away on his phone until we get back in the Mini, Raisin on my knee still looking really happy with herself “Jared are you ok?”   
“No”   
“What’s wrong?”   
“That was terrifying”   
“Huh?”   
“You’re so brave, how were not just sobbing” I look over to him and I see a couple of tears splash down his face   
“Hey HEY, it’s ok…” I wrap my arms around him as best I can “She’s ok… I’m sorry I thought you were just texting on your cell I didn’t realise you were upset”   
“I was googling to see if she would die”   
“Jared, from a broken leg? No she’s fine see…” He looks down at the puppy who’s wedged be-tween us but not complaining about it   
“Sorry”   
“For showing you care for our animal? Don’t be”   
“Is she ok?”   
“Jared she’s fine, she broke her leg, she’s only a baby she’ll bounce back… come on let’s get her home you can put her bed at your side of the air mattress that way you’ll be able to see her all night as she snores and farts”   
“I know I’ve said it before but Amelia we are NEVER having babies…”   
****************************************************************************************   
We have a home again, well it’s starting to take more shape. The bed was delivered yesterday it’s like an ocean of floaty soft mattress on top of another soft mattress. It’s the size of my WHOLE college dorm room I shared with V. She came round to sit on it before we fucked on it she said, didn’t want her baby being exposed to the mad sex games that would take place once the wrap-ping came off. She also laughed at poor Raisin’s dinky little leg cast which now just makes her walk-ing even more hilarious as she kind of spins it round as her other legs walk normally. Jared got over his slightly hysterical doggy Daddy breakdown but I have seen him giving her extra loves when he comes home I would feel a bit left out if he didn’t smother me in kisses too. Sometimes I wonder which one of them is the puppy, I always thought Shannon was the one that was more like an adorable puppy but apparently it’s Jared.   
Our bedroom is like a fucking castle, there’s these plain dark hardwood side tables and matching dresser with a TV mounted on the wall above it. Our closets are crazy, there’s a door either side of the TV and through them are what seems like two closets but it’s actually just one so I can climb into Jared’s but he can’t get into mine because he’s not small enough to get under the rail. There’s a couch underneath the window that’s come from a thrift shop, it’s this long low leather thing and it’s deep red, I love stretching out on it while we watch TV as the lounge well the main room is still in pieces. It’s like a giant Lego set but we don’t have the instructions, but there’s more than enough room in the bedroom and this huge ass fake furry rug thing at the end of the bed (if there truly is an end to the bed) which I adore sitting on cross legged sketching. I will be happy when the kitchen comes back though, I’m going to cook properly and get a herb garden thing for the roof and grow my own vegetables or just order online from Whole Foods probably the latter but I will be glad to eat off a plate not out of a take-out container and at a table not on the floor.   
Jared when it comes to interior design is just a nightmare, there were a few cross words over things, mainly money. WHY anyone would want to spend thousands of dollars on a Gucci carpet is fucking beyond me, just why would you want it? And I can never understand a lot of new furni-ture, where is the character to it? SO a compromise was reached (kind of) Jared would put sticky notes on things in magazines and I’d take as a challenge to find it second hand. I LOVE second hand things, especially furniture (but not beds, even hotel beds kind of weird me out) auctions, flea markets, thrift stores are my heaven. I have been taking V and Char (and Harry) round with me looking for things BUT after V complained about germs worse than a Leto and Harry kept sticking EVERYTHING in her dribbly little mouth including a brass camel they left me to it. My favourite thing has to be the pharmacy cupboards I got to go in the bathroom. They’re so cool, full of little drawers and with space for little labels and just urgh sigh I love them. And yes I’ve had them checked for woodworm and other diseases and no there was no left over drugs in the drawers. I think Jared THINKS I got them from a fancy interior design place but I actually got them kind of out of a dumpster WELL they were on the sidewalk near my studio where an old store was being re-modelled they didn’t even want any money for them, they looked at me a bit weird. Hipsters are just fucking odd man, I mean I thought this would be the shit they’d be totally into maybe they were minimalist hipsters? Is there such a thing? I gave them a hundred bucks in the end because I couldn’t just haul them off for free, and a couple of Instagram photos…   
The other thing I love is make up, NOW I don’t wear masses of it but it doesn’t mean I don’t BUY it. ESPECIALLY if it’s in a cute package Benefit has the best packing, Urban Decay has the best names for its shades and MAC I am OBSESSED with MAC I LOVE the limited edition stuff, the Disney collec-tion all that kind of stuff I will buy that until I run out of money, if someone said do you want the last twinkie on earth or the last MAC Ruby Woo lipstick I would take the lipstick any day, even the last day of the world, and I LOVE twinkies. SO now I have all these cute little drawers to put my cute little things in that I will forget about and buy more cute things and hide the Sephora bags from Jared because he thinks I’m slowly turning the bathroom INTO Sephora.   
Me and Jared we talk shit, I bet you think its grand conversations about life love the universe? Sometimes it is I mean we’ve been known to spend all night talking until one of us falls asleep be-fore we reach the end of the conversation. BUT most of the time it’s just fucking jibberish Jared asks a million questions a minute, STILL, there is no filter on his mouth just blabs away and expects me to make appropriate sounds in response.   
“Littlest of Peas”   
“Jared…” I’m sat on the bathroom floor in front of one of the cabinets putting stuff away, some-times, do you ever just like to look at your stuff? Just look at it and think that’s mine? I bought that it’s mine? I do and it’s what I’d been doing before he strolled into the bathroom also my OCD was formulating orders to put things in. I think I’m about to be given a ‘what the fuck do you need all this for?’ glare but instead he plops himself down at the side of me cross legged and pulls Raisin into his lap where she’d been sat next to me “Whatcha doin?”   
“Organising”   
“I don’t know why women have so much of this stuff I mean how many different colours can you paint your eyelids? And why would you paint your eyelids a colour called ‘sin’? NO wait I don’t want to know the answer… I know you just like the colours”   
“And the packing Jared, the packing is very important”   
“This stuff looks like it fell out of a 1950s department store” He’s holding up my supply of Benefit primer, I panic buy when I find a product I like, too many times have I really liked something to go and buy more and find it’s been discontinued and the replacement is NEVER the same. He does it as well but with checked shirts, I thought he had one shirt that was just YEARS old, well yes he does but he also has a stack of the same shirt because he likes it. This is probably one of the rea-sons we are married and live in harmony with our slightly odd shopping habits “I really like these cabinets, they’re so cool, just think of all the people that will have been helped with the drugs that were in them, did you get them from that place off Melrose?”   
“Erm…”   
“Oh is this the stuff that makes your hair smells like honey? I’ve been sniffing sometimes your hair smells like honey, just every now and then, it’s not the Catwalk stuff in the big bottles that smells like Christmas or the stuff in the little bottle because that smells like apples no this is honey, are you washing your hair in honey? Was it in Vogue? Cosmo hair tips?”   
NOW do you see what I mean? Fucking lunatic, I have NO idea what makes my hair smells like honey “The hair stuff is in the big drawer at the bottom, you just sit and smell it all if you like? Why can’t we have conversations like how was your day darling? Or what’s for dinner? Like normal peo-ple…”   
“Well I thought I’d take you OUT to dinner DARLING… and I can see your day has been filled with OCD tendencies running amok in a new to us bathroom drawer set…” He pulls open the wrong drawer at the bottom and doesn’t find the hair stuff “Seriously why do you have so many tam-pons? I mean what’s gonna happen? I feel like I could make a sculpture out of all these… And why do you always wear those black panties when it’s that… time? I don’t really like them by the way just so you know”   
“And you think I do? What is this the how to be a girl inquisition?” and why can’t men say the word period?  
“Yes”   
“There’s so many tampons because I hate the idea of running out, so I buy them when they’re on offer, admittedly yes there are quite a lot but no period remember? And I wear the black panties because they cost five bucks for a pack of five pairs and I don’t ruin my hundred dollar ones by leaking on them, every girl has period panties Jared, it’s just I’m the only one who you let stick around long enough for you to notice…”   
“Touché Amelia touché… right dinner? It’s warm so we’ll go eat outside somewhere, we’ll take this little pickle in my lap too, you’d like that wouldn’t Raisin huh?”   
We go out to Pacific Palisade’s it’s my favourite, well one of my favourite places on earth, it looks like a giant swimming pool, so blue I love the colour of the ocean out here. And I have a slight ob-session with this little restaurant on the beach that does the BEST lobster rolls in the whole world, even Jared has one. Now I’m in… whatever this is my body and mind is doing, I’ve let small amounts of dairy and meat back in, no red meat though, or dairy in its purest form so mayo yeah even though it’s made from eggs I don’t feel too bad about it especially when it tastes as good as this one does, and it’s served with curly fries. I love curly fries. I chastise Jared for feeding Raisin from his plate it’s bad enough she’s sat on a chair next to him and NOT on the floor like a normal dog. Luckily this is Los Angeles and this won’t be the most outrageous pet behaviour anyone will see here. After we’ve eaten we take her on to the beach with a poop bag and hair band around her cast to keep it dry and we just let her run. She doesn’t get to very often and she’s kind of lazy sometimes we have to take her to the park carry her to a certain point then run away from her so she’ll run after us.   
“SO…”   
“So?”   
“In continuation of how to be a girl…” I roll my eyes but he doesn’t notice because he’s got his eyes on Raisin who is just straight up barking at the waves hitting the sand, I don’t what she thinks it’s going to do but so long as she doesn’t get too close or she’ll get swept away “Wax or shave?”   
“Jared we’ve been together a long time now, do you not know? And why do you want to know?”   
“I’m curious… I mean guys just kind of throw on whatever after we’ve had a shower if you’re lucky and yet we expect women to be perfectly groomed at all times I’m just curious about how it all starts like where does it start?”   
“If you’re talking about body hair then, I shave my legs and armpits and wax everywhere else, why? I don’t like it, it’s my personal preference I can assure you that I do not do it for you, well admittedly yes I do it because it’s kind of expected and I have always had the strong desire to fit in I didn’t want to stand out but if chicks wanna not shave or wax that’s up to them I’m not gonna tell them it’s gross because they might just think my hairless legs are gross”   
“You have kind of fluffy hair on your thighs I like it, it’s soft and fluffy not prickly”   
“Only strippers shave above the knee”   
“How old were you?”   
“I feel like I’m being quizzed on my medical history”   
“Sorry”   
“S’ok erm I can’t remember about thirteen I guess, I did shave my lady parts…” he sniggers, if we’re not in the throes of passion say something to Jared about girl parts and he’ll giggle like a little boy being told a dirty joke “…for ages but god it’s so ITCHY when it grows back so I just get it waxed”   
“Does it not hurt?”   
“You had your balls waxed did that not hurt?”   
“Yeah but it’s different”   
“Meh nah satisfactory when it’s all been pulled out, you’ve got to have no shame though, and be pretty flexible the positions are kind of hilarious but it’s worth it, are you trying to tell me to let the bush grow?”   
“No well… I don’t know, but I would like you to know you don’t have to do it for me”   
“I already said I didn’t”   
“What about the make up?”   
“Oh I know there’s a lot of it just…” he puts his hand up to stop me   
“No I mean why did you start wearing it?”   
“I was really fat I wanted to draw attention away from my body and put it on to my face, I used to CAKE it on, like with a trowel inches thick it was awful my skin was so bad”   
“Shall we have puppies?”   
“No I am not whoring out my dog”   
“You’re a whore”   
“Thanks I’ll take that as a compliment”   
“You should”   
And that is how to converse with Jared Leto in one easy step.  
****************************************************************************************   
Sex  
Sex   
SEX   
V was right to sit on the new bed before the wrapping came off and the sex toys came out. There’s christening furniture and there’s just plain abusing it. We have definitely been doing the latter. A LOT. I’ve got so much to do work wise, and so does he but we can’t seem to escape the confines of the new bed, or the new hot tub. At LEAST there’s a lock on the door so people can’t just come waltzing in while we’re in the throes of well whatever. The infinity bed was the best thing I ever let him persuade me into buying it’s such a perfect height for so many things. One of which is Jared on the lower part of it, my legs thrown over his shoulders his hands holding me down as he works me over with his mouth  
“Oh Jesus fucking Christ fuck me”   
“I’m trying to, keep still”   
“Keep still? Keep still? Oh holy hell…” I don’t know if I was feeling particularly amorous or it’s the height thing really working for me but last time he gave me head it didn’t feel like this… This feels like a constant orgasm from the second his tongue pushed against me till now where I’m trying to push myself further on to his face, his beard rubbing against my inner thighs. I can’t keep my hands still and I’ve got them running all over my naked flesh, pulling at his hair, I just want to fucking… I don’t even know… All I know is I am beyond horny, and he can just repeatedly make me cum until I say stop. There’s been plenty of playing with toys, plenty of me calling him sir and letting him spank me raw and just abuse my body covering it in marks and bruises, but he’s gone all it’s all about Amelia. I’m not in control let’s get that straight, he is, he always is, but this is, just magical fucking “Jared I’m gonna cum”   
“Good, god I love it when you cum on my face…”   
You obscene fuck wank shit bollocks “OH FUCK” I just put my fingers into his hair and just fucking pull as he pushes me into an orgasm that has me shaking and leaves me feeling slightly stupefied and floppy… like huh? Oh shit yeah sorry I should erm… what am I supposed to do… can I just lay here? I don’t think I have legs, what are legs?   
He’s crawled back up my body still on his knees “Amelia?”   
“Yes?”   
“I’m going to fuck you now ok?”   
“Yes…”   
“Are you ok? You’ve gone all dazed and confused”   
“Came really fucking hard…”   
“I see well… perhaps you can return the favour? Hmmm?” My brain and body click back into some kind of reality, which is good job because here is my husband, my Jared Leto shaped husband with a huge hard dick that is all for me. Surprise is the best way to physically tackle a lion, pounce with-out him expecting you to and you can manipulate him into all kinds of positions. I pull him so his butt is flat against the lower level of the bed, back rested against the higher part and I just fucking mount him, there’s no grace, no delicacy, I just fucking mount him. I just want to ride him, want to feel his dick hit the top of my cervix, let his mouth meet my tits and let me pull his hair and lick him and bite him and suck his flesh. Urgh, how does he do it? With my former erm… lovers I would just be kind of yeah I‘ll go on top it’ll make a change at least I can look over your shoulder and imagine I’m fucking Jared Leto but now I really AM fucking Jared Leto, there’s no looking over his shoulder oh hell no. I am watching him. I am down right staring at him, everything he’s doing all the veins popping up, even that weird one under his eye, watching his biceps swell as he pulls ours bodies together, laugh slightly as he gets frustrated at my somewhat erratic rhythm. And the kisses? Urgh god the kisses… When I’m tied up or pinned down or being punished for being naughty the kisses aren’t there but at times like this I like to make up for that, I am honestly almost licking his face. He’s not complaining though, oh no instead he’s taken a firm grip on my butt and is dragging me back and forth moaning into my mouth while I try and work out if I can get my tongue to touch his tonsils “Can’t…”   
I don’t need him to hold off for me, the orgasm he gave me from eating me out was enough to last a whole week “Don’t”   
“DO you…” his grip tightens “…have…” and tighter still, he’s got his head so we’re nose to nose, I love watching him cum “…any idea how you make me feel?” I would answer but any sound I make would just be drowned out by him and those heady moans he makes as he cums and his hips still, his head resting into the crook of my neck. He puffs out his cheeks and huffs against me happily “Hey”   
“Hey”   
“So…”   
“We’ve been having a lot of sex”   
“We have indeed been having a lot of sex”   
“Should we leave the apartment?”   
“Probably”   
“Why do we have so much sex?”   
“Well…” He lifts me out of his lap and sits me next to him against the end of the bed and thankfully on a throw because cum on thousands of dollar worth of bed, maybe not for six months at least “It’s because you see… you drive me wild woman, just fucking wild, I can’t describe it sometimes it’s how you bend over to pick something up, sometimes it’s your tits sticking out of the top of whatever you’re wearing and sometimes because I’m getting old and forget what it sounds like I like to have the constant ringing of our orgasms in my ears… you are delightfully filthy, kinky, little nymph of love, and it’s all mine, that’s another reason we have a lot of sex the warm fuzzy feeling I get when we do even when you’re being punished it’s still there and it’s beautiful”   
“You’re so romantic”   
“I try my best Little Pea… best of both worlds… I sometimes wish I was a woman though I’d love to know how it feels to be fucked”   
“Full”   
“Huh?”   
“It feels full but for women well me anyway its more than just your dick in me, it’s my whole body against yours and besides you’ve fucked guys I’m sure it’s similar”   
“I came a bit quick then sorry”   
“Don’t be when I came when you were giving me head was more than enough”   
“I don’t think it was”   
“Jared…”   
“Amelia…” His hand reaches between my legs fingers straight to my clit, my really over sensitive still clit “Ready to burst huh?”   
“Stop”   
“You don’t mean that do you?”   
“No”   
“Good” this man has arms like an octopus and must be double jointed as I don’t move and he doesn’t seem to move his body but his hands and head move everywhere, I rest my hand on top of his to guide him, and he lets me, gives me the control. He’s leant over me just whispering pure filth into my ears and it’s not too long before the orgasm hits me my toes curling and my thighs clamping around our joined hands “Well…”   
“How come I always get more than one?”   
“Because I want you to feel loved and appreciated, I could take those little blue pills and we could go all day but I wouldn’t want you to EVER think I have to take something to want to make love to you and sadly I’m not twenty one anymore once it goes down it takes a while to come back up”   
“I feel so sexually liberated”   
“Right on lady…” he holds his hand up in a fist “power to the Amelia”   
“You make me crazy…”   
“Well you see…” he leans across me our faces millimetres apart “We met when you were thirty four, and you were what fourteen when My So Called Life was on TV so that’s OH twenty years of pent up wishing to be fucking me, so by the time you’re fifty four maybe we’ll be done… well down to once a week… but then again maybe not”   
“You are so sure of yourself”   
“And you spent twenty years jerking yourself off over me”   
“And you spent twenty years trying to find someone as good as me at jerking YOU off”   
“I’ll let you have that one yes… Shall we hot tub this out? I’ll fill the Raisin pool”   
I don’t know where he got it… I don’t want to know where he got it… But now in the bathroom is a bone shaped doggy bath, it’s not deep, and it’s on a little raised platform. I think he feels bad we live in an apartment so she can’t splash around in garden puddles, plus the vet said that it would help her leg heal, even if she is in the water with a baggy and hair band ties around her leg to keep the cast dry. I love the hot tub (even if it’s not an actual time machine) I cramp up when I paint, because I hold myself in one position for so long while I work when I stretch out I’m all knotty so it helps massively with that. Also who wouldn’t want to sit naked in a Jacuzzi with Jared Leto? It gets fucking steamy in there I tell you. Only problem is Beast likes to sleep in it (when it’s empty of course) and then his fur gets in the little jet holes and it’s a nightmare to clean but it’s still worth it. We sit in there until my fingers start to prune and he stops laughing at my tits floating (they’ve got a bit erm larger of late, I’m guessing it’s weight gain, but I won’t stand on the scales without being in the presence of Suzanne in case I go a bit wonky, Jared seems to like it and still find me attrac-tive so…). The rest of the day we spend unpacking boxes as much as we can, we have a kitchen kind of but without appliances or cupboard doors, and as for the living room we are just waiting for furniture to arrive but the home entertainment system is back and we have a couple of bean bags that have come from the Lab and are due to go in Jared’s pod thing (both sides of the mezzanine now have proper stairs that Raisin can now get up). Speaking of Raisin she’s just trotting about in a little towel outfit thing that Char bought for her when she kept swimming and then running about shaking her wet fur everywhere, Beast is probably on a stair case somewhere he likes to lounge on them wherever the sun will warm his belly.   
“I love this place” He’s tried to make a bean bag bed but every time he gets on it they spread out and he lands on the floor, I wait until he’s comfy then try and just clamber on to him to use him as a bean bag   
“I loved this place first” I settle myself into the space between his legs with a bowl of popcorn I think we’re gonna watch something, or spend an hour arguing what to watch then fall asleep ten minutes into whatever it is   
“I love it because it was you and now it’s us”   
“You are very soppy at that moment”   
“Yeah I know, sorry, some days I just wake up and have this revelation of oh shit I’ve got a wife now, and you know life is really nice with you in it, much nicer than you not being in it, you make me a complete person… and I know that I have been too busy some days to appreciate you or let you know how much I care so when I have the time I tend to go a bit over board… but you know don’t tell anyone, because see I’m the big bad wolf yet with you I feel a bit fluffy round the edg-es… Raisin WHAT are you doing?”   
She’s trying to join the party is what she’s doing but failing because her cast is cumbersome and annoying AND I’ve caught her chewing it, but I really don’t want to put her in a cone of shame to stop it. I scoop her up and pull her into the tangle of bodies and limbs we’ve ended up in “She just wants to be with us”   
“I will have to go again at some point you know”   
“It’s what you do”   
“But I know Amelia and this was the most important thing about you, is that you’d love me if I didn’t, if I was a hobo on the street, or a guy frying burgers at McDonald’s you’d still love me… one day I’ll retire and just live off what you earn…” One of my paintings recently sold at auction for an obscene amount of money, it’s given me a place in the top ten highest paid female artists of the past hundred years or something it’s insane   
“I hate money”   
“I know but Amelia how would you pay for things?”   
“You know when I was broke and living in a squat selling my paintings on the beach, on the market on the street anywhere I wouldn’t get kicked out of, my friend was a hairdresser and I’d give her paintings in exchange for haircuts and colours, that’s what I wish the world could be like”   
“Well… wife… if that was the case and I was to pay you for sexual favours in say… shoes… you would have every single pair of ridiculous sneakers your little heart could ever desire”   
“I’d stay bare foot to be paid in love”   
“Do I love you enough?” remember our ridiculous conversations about waxing and shaving or me being a whore this is the opposite end of the spectrum   
“Of course you do… we may not be a typical couple Jared but I don’t know if there is such a thing anymore, there’s you and all your Jared things, and then there’s me and all my Amelia things and then there’s us, which is why it works but yeah I would love you no matter what you did, we have a binge relationship”   
“A what?”   
“Like binge watching TV or binge drinking I suppose we are apart and then we are together and when we are together we pack in years of relationship into a short space of time and then we are apart again doing our own things”   
“I’ve never thought about it like that”   
“Which is why I’M the genius”   
“Borderline Amelia BORDERLINE genius”   
“ERM are YOU a Dr?”   
“Yes a Dr of LOVE” he pulls me further into his lap and smothers me with kisses Raisin just kisses both of us excitedly, puts on a movie and falls asleep ten minutes in. Told you.  
****************************************************************************************   
I haven’t slept in over twenty four hours, I don’t know which way is up, where are my feet? Do I have feet? I’m on a deserted runway just outside of Portland Oregon and it’s SO fucking cold. I think it’s in the small hours around three am ish? Music videos are HARD, I didn’t think, urgh, next time Bart can do it. I am an artist that paints in a warm comfortable studio not a music video direc-tor. And Twenty One Pilots are like hyper active high schoolers, they’re filled with sugary energy drinks, I think they’ve been feeding Raisin with it too because she is speeding up the runway after them cast still spinning I’ll be so glad when it comes off. I’m minus Jared, he’s actually in a studio. Thirty Seconds to Mars are in the studio I can confirm it they’re there making really weird fucking sounds that sound like a baby in the womb it’s kind of uncomfortable and soothing all at the same time.   
Steph keeps filling me with coffee, which is warming me up and keeping me awake. I thought… I don’t know what I thought. I thought I’d set it up and the rest would kind of take care of itself, I’ve never sat behind a camera before I don’t know what I’m doing and at some point these people are going to realise that. I muddle through, it looks ok, everyone important is happy with it and we wrap in time for the band to go to a press conference and then play a show, WITHOUT sleep. HOW? HOW? Oh to be under twenty five again. I’d had them made up to look like a painting so they were… Hhhmmm you know the Lichtenstein MAC girl? Like that but my paintings, they’re painted like my paintings, no I’m not remaking the “Take On Me” video, god I hope I’m not. No the A-ha video didn’t have planes in it. Why could we have not green screened this? Why do I have to be on an actual runway right now? Steph kind of rolls me on the plane home to LA, if she could have put me on roller skates she would have, I’m wrapped up like a little arctic explorer again not even bothering to take my coat off when we hit the warmth of Los Angeles. I think Shannon pulls me from the car (as there’s less hair and bigger arms) when we arrive at the Lab and I wake what feels like days later in Jared’s old bed. My shoes and socks have been taken off, along with my coat and sweater, so I’m in leggings and a tank top and I think I might smell…BAD   
“Hello?” NO answer but I can hear the muffled thumping of drums coming from below, it’s still light outside, was it light when I came home? Here? I mean where’s my phone? Is this Twenty Eight Days Later? “HELLLLOOOOO?”   
“Down here Amelia” I follow Shayla’s voice through the house and find her in the sitting room, well what was the sitting room, it’s still a sitting room, only now it’s for working not sitting, no wait they’re still sitting, I think I’ve gone backwards, I do not do well when my sleep schedule is thrown off and this is the first time it’s happened since I was ill, and there’s timings with medications or whatever so, yeah I feel WEIRD MAN “Hey…”   
“How long was I out? What time is it? No wait what day is it? Where’s Jared? Do you have any curly fries?”   
“Oh MY GOD you’ve been with Jared too long one question at a time… it’s Thursday it’s seven pm you were asleep for eight hours, you were already asleep when Shannon dragged you out of the van, Steph is at home… Jared is in the studio being interviewed for a webzine and I don’t know if there are any curly fries would you like me to order some?”   
“No thank you, I feel weird”   
“Oh man I know right, when we did UTA I was awake for something like seventy two hours with only little naps in between, Jared just gets in the zone and kind of power naps literally standing up, can I make you some tea?”   
“Please”   
“I’ll bring it down to the studio I’m sure Jared won’t mind you interrupting Shannon and Tomo have gone but Jamie and Stevie are still down there”   
“Thanks, is Emma with Paul?”   
“No she’s down there too”   
“K thanks Shayla… Oh can you…”   
“Top up your tea with cool water? Sure”   
I’m so glad I’m not wearing any make up because I am rubbing my hands over my face like crazy trying to get my focus back “WHOA hey Lil Pea you ok?”   
“Jamie?” All I see is hair and Hawaiian shirt so I assume it’s Jamie   
“SHIT Amelia you don’t look good… JARED” Still trying to get my eyes into focus and my brain to cooperate with the rest of me, my husband approaches, I’m seventy percent sure it’s my husband, did he trim his beard?  
“Amelia you’re fucking see through… come on, on the couch” Jared pulls me to the couch in the studio my feet barely touching the floor. I can’t see anyone else in there other than Stevie and Emma, I guess whoever was here has gone now? “Lil Pea…” There’s a sea of concerned faces look-ing down on me “Emma call Dr Hartman the number is in my cell”   
“I don’t need a Dr I need to sleep…” I turn myself on my side as people move around me and I fall back to sleep. When I wake up again it’s dark and I’m so warm and toasty, still on the couch, and there’s a lightly snoring Jared who’s managed to get on the couch with me at some point and curled round me with a blanket thrown over us. The studio when the lights are out makes all the little lights on the machines and equipment looks like stars “Jared?”   
“Mmmm?”   
“I’m awake”   
“Oh”   
“Is everything ok?”   
“Yeah… you spazzed a bit, just did one of your weird crash out things, I was persuaded out of call-ing the Dr” He wraps his arms around me and pulls me tighter towards him “But I did google things…” I groan before I can stop myself because seriously Jared and Google is never a harmoni-ous relationship, he once thought he had trench foot, when actually he’d just stood in a puddle too long “And basically you overdosed yourself, I hadn’t realised you actually NEED to sleep in be-tween taking your medications, never mind just staying up drinking coffee, SO Little Pea, next con-tract you’re having a sleep clause written in, you were really ill”   
“Jared…”   
“Let me finish butthead, you were really ill and you tried to run before you could walk that’s all”   
“Sorry you’ve had to sleep in here on this couch”   
“Are you kidding? This couch was saviour when we recorded This is War it’s like that Emin installa-tion you know the bed? A frame of mind or however you described it? It’s nice sleeping on here, with you… When I used to sleep on it alone in all my clothes between rounds of legal battles, be-tween rounds of recording stuff and arguing and… I don’t know, circle of life couch, and now I get to sleep on it with my wife, well…”   
“Didn’t we fuck on here?”   
“Yes, yes we did then Tomo cried because there was cum on the mixing desk but we didn’t have sex on there”   
“Your cum is like mercury, it just spreads”   
“I’ll take that as a compliment… what the fuck is the time?” There’s some shuffling where his face illuminates from looking at his cell screen “Four am”   
“Where’s my dog?”   
“You left her in Portland” I have a sudden panic, because did I put her on the plane home with me? Was she in my lap? Did she go with the band? SHIT “Shannon took her to his house, we’ll go collect her she was as tired as you were”   
“I think Twenty One Pilots were giving her that Rockstar drink stuff, honestly they went through crates of it I should have just fed them sugar cubes instead she kept running up the runway and getting in all the shots, I think it’s gonna get left it”   
“Raisin is gonna be famous?”   
“Raisin is already famous”   
“I’m proud of you”   
“I’m proud of you too”   
“No but you’ve… you know… you crashed and burned today but you’re shit with sleep deprivation whether it’s from time zone shifts or staying up past ten thirty because you’re an old lady” He gets an elbow to the ribs for that “HEY… Have you slept enough now?”   
“Yeah why wanna fuck on the couch again?”   
“Yes but can we eat pancakes first, can I husband take you wife out for breakfast? Get the dog and go home and fuck on our couch?”   
I reassemble my outfit while Jared leaves a note for Stevie who’s apparently half living at the Lab at the moment so he doesn’t need to lock everything up before he comes back later today or tomor-row or whenever he decides to return. We climb into the Mini which he drove over here and head to Denny’s (I know right? Denny’s?) that’s nearest Shannon’s. I order pancakes and bacon and Jar-ed the same. It’s the graveyard shift really so there’s no one around to see us, no paps, no Echelon just people shuffling in on their way home on their way to work.   
“I’m never directing a music video again”   
“Don’t say that, wouldn’t you want to direct a Mars video?”   
“I thought that was Bart’s job?”   
“Well maybe it could be Miss Vincent’s job”   
I nearly spit my pancakes out before I can speak “Me work with you is that what you mean?”   
“Yes… I don’t mean let’s go set up cameras and make a video tomorrow I mean maybe you could help with the next video”   
“WHOA Jared Leto wants to work with me”   
“In more ways than one baby”   
“Speaking of babies is my friend ok?” I am yes side stepping the issue of him wanting to work with me, he’ll probably forget when the time actually comes… And I realise I’ve not checked in with V for a couple of days, everything’s rushing towards us at once V’s due date, Shannon and Char’s wedding, I don’t know where this year has gone, I think it’s because Jared’s been here mostly and the apartment stuff has been keeping us going. We’ve been married over six months, I kind of want life to stop sometimes. Do you ever get that? That you just want to cling to a moment in time and not let it go, for me right now it’s this. It’s this sun rising over the city of angels, over a Denny’s, over two people slotting in with the rest of the world as if they’d never not.   
“As far as I’m aware yes, it’s weird how she’s just gone back to normal” The aggressions stopped, the sleeping stopped and now she’s just V again, just fatter, well she is growing a human “Jamie is just excited now, not tired or cranky I like having my friend back”   
“And again speaking of babies can we go get ours?”   
“Sure Little Pea” The waitress comes over with the bill and I put down my card as it was in my jacket pocket, although these days it doesn’t matter because we have a joint account. I know how erm grown up of us and me joint bank account with Jared Leto, luckily neither of US try to balance the goddam check book, I gave in and got an accountant aka V’s friend Andrea to do that “Are you ready for Matron of Honour duty?”   
“Yeah I guess, but I’m glad the bachelorette party will be tame seeing as V is still preggo”   
“It’s like history repeating itself, a due baby, a wedding, I’m so glad it’s not ours”   
“Erm…”   
“Sorry… it’s just… you know what I’m not even going to complain I bought a suit and turned up and got half the glory”   
“It’s ok I know what you mean”   
My card is returned and we go to leave “RIGHT lady lumps lets go get that furry baby back and go home and christen our NEW couch huh?”   
****************************************************************************************   
I was napping on the new couch, quietly napping, minding my own business. It’s so comfy and big, Jared came and spooned up behind me (and to be fair he did warn me about pushing my butt into his crotch and I ignored him) anyway one thing led to another and I’m now handcuffed. Which is great right? Wrong… He put the key on the coffee table which he then knocked and said key fell into the gap in the floorboards and these handcuffs don’t have an auto release catch on them. SO right now I’m naked (I’m quite happy though and parts of my anatomy are tingling) and have my hands cuffed behind my back, they couldn’t be round my front could they? No they have to be around my back, great.   
“Call a locksmith”   
“I don’t think they would deal with stuff like this and besides Amelia its eleven pm”   
“And this is Los Angeles”   
“We’re gonna have to cut you out of them”   
“Don’t be so stupid I am not going to the ER stuck in handcuffs NAKED”   
“I was thinking more Shannon could cut you out”   
“AGAIN NAKED” and have no way of getting dressed like this, standing in front of the couch with cum running down my thigh   
“Well I’ll have to dress you”   
“I don’t think I want you to touch me right now…”   
“Don’t sulk it wasn’t my fault”   
“You kicked the table”   
“You grabbed my balls”   
“You like it when I do that…”   
“Yeah I do”   
“JARED”   
“Right look I’m going to dress you and then we’re going to go to Shannon’s and use his tools to cut you out of those”   
Now I am entirely thankful of the strapless romper I bought YEARS ago and had never worn be-cause all I do is stand in it and he pulls it up. While trying to keep a straight face. Then I need to pee. I managed to get it down and get on the can to pee but couldn’t pull it back up so I waddled from bathroom to living room, romper round my ankles, got him to pull it up and off we went. AND to hide the fact my arms are tied behind my back I’ve got a fucking cape on that’s his A CAPE you fucking shit head. I’ve got flip flops on because I’m not faffing about with him tying my goddam laces right now. And of course my bound state makes him think he can touch me all over because I can’t stop him. Hands sliding up the insides of my thighs, fingers pushing inside the top of my romper under the cape. I’d be hard pushed to admit it’s NOT turning me on. I love it when I’m at his mercy and apparently this also includes being so at his mercy that I cannot do up my own seat belt. It’s gone one when we get to Shannon’s but all the lights are on and it’s Char waiting at the door for us.   
“Where the fuck is the fire? Harry was up anyway she just WILL NOT SLEEP so me and Shan were doing… wedding things… ANYWAY why are you wearing a cape? And not a lot else? Have you been to some kind of sex club?”   
“Erm…”   
“Just come in before anyone sees you and whatever this… is… SHANNON they’re here…”   
Harry is put in her playpen and I hope to god that this isn’t going to be one of her first memories of life, Shannon and Char are sitting on the couch looking equally puzzled until Jared takes the dam cape off me  
“Oh…” Shannon stands up and I feel his hands at my wrists, taking a totally practical approach no arsing around over it “No auto catch?”   
“Nope”   
“Where’s the key? Just out of interest…”   
“Fell through the gap in the floorboards”   
“He kicked it off the table”   
“YES WELL she grabbed my erm… hair”   
“I don’t want to know, Amelia we’ve got two options here, one we can try and lube your wrists up and pull these things off, OR we can bolt cut the main chain then pick the individual locks”   
“CHAR don’t take photos” There’s several flashes in mine and Shannon’s direction, Jared’s just sat looking a bit sheepish in the armchair “Cut them off please…”   
“Right come on then garage, Jared you’re coming too, don’t think you just get to sit there burbling at Harry, you got your wife into this and you’re going to come and make sure she’s ok when I get her out of it….” We troop out to the garage where there’s a bit of to and fro as to how to position my arms. Jared takes a cuff to the back of the head from big brother really for just being a protag-onist about the whole thing, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively and mock pouting about the fact I’m about to be freed. I can’t decide what is more humiliating being here and having Shannon do this or if we’d gone to the ER / Locksmith, I guess Shannon will tell no one (of importance anyway) “You ok?”   
“Yup”   
“JARED stop… touching my things come and make sure Amelia is ok please, I don’t want to hurt her” I’m so glad I can’t see what’s going on right now, I think there’s a huge metal implement in my brother in laws hands. Jared’s stooped down so he’s eye level with me his hands on my shoulders, I get so lost in his eyes that I hardly notice what Shannon’s doing until my arms fall loose to my sides “Right ok, Amelia wrists please” The bolt cutter took seconds this seems to take hours and lots of cursing and jiggling of my wrists but eventually I’m freed and the first thing I do is smack Jared’s ass really hard “WELL I think I will… erm… yeah daughter… woman… bed, let yourselves out you two or stay in the pool house whatever”   
“Thanks Shannon”   
“No worries next time though be more careful with the key huh?” He slinks out of the door and back into the main house out of site leaving me and Jared alone   
“I think I liked you all… tied up more”   
“Jared…” He’s all up in my space… again   
“Amelia…” His hand runs down the side of my face and I shudder, but hey it’s cold in here and it’s now gone two am I’m tired, all this fucking debacle started because all I wanted was a nap. But then he whispers the sentence that will make me his fucking slave “I want you”   
There’s no fucking thought going through my mind right now that we’re in Shannon’s garage or that I’ve just been freed from handcuffs by said garage owner as Jared pulls down my romper and off over my feet leaving me totally naked and him fully clothed “We can’t have sex in here, this is…”   
Before I can finish my sentence his mouth is all over my now naked body, hands wandering “This is what? Hmmmm?”   
He lifts my butt on to the workbench and shifts my legs apart, hands then sliding between them “Not our… it’s…”   
“Oh Amelia… was it being tied up for so long hmmmm?” His lips are at my ear and his fingers are pushing inside me   
“Jared… I’m not having sex in here” I try and regain composure and remember where we are   
“Oh… really”   
“Yes… really”   
“Amelia… I’m going to put my dick in your cunt and make you cum right here on this work bench do you understand, you are my whore and you will do as I say” There’s a warm rush to the centre of my core where his fingers are still inside me and his other hand is used to push his sweatpants to his knees, I feel like I’m panting. How does he do it? Zero to sexual deviant in one easy sen-tence. I nod my head as he replaces his fingers with his dick pushing his hips forwards my legs around his waist my arms at my sides trying to grip the edge of the bench for leverage but failing meaning I’m just knocking things on the floor that were on there, I struggle with this before wrap-ping my arms around his back instead. I feel safe in the space between his arms, no matter what we’re doing. His hands dig into the flesh on my butt, I better not get splinters in my ass Jared. After some shuffling it’s pretty clear we’re not actually on the bench anymore more leant against it, my butt isn’t on it that’s for sure. I love it when we fuck this way so frantic, a race to the finish, hands pulling, grabbing, neither one of us the dominant one both as aggressive as each other.   
“Oh fuck yes”   
“You’re going to cum aren’t you? You’re going to cum after you said we couldn’t fuck in here”   
“Shut the fuck up… fucking locking me up in handcuffs and losing the key” Yeah I am getting close but… whatever… we’ve gotten into a position where I’m a head above him so I pull his hair and sink my mouth on to his and kiss him as hard as my orgasm hits me. I’m thrown off his dick, no matter what he’s always stronger than me, span around so I’m bent over the bench, ass sticking out and he starts to pound into me from behind. Being able to see himself fuck me as well as feel it is huge to him, he’s such a voyeur “Pull my hair”   
“No”   
“JARED pull my hair”   
“Who put you in charge?”   
“You when you locked me in handcuffs and dropped the key” He takes a fist full of hair and fucking pulls with one hand other hand on my hip   
“Oh fuck”   
“Harder”   
“Amelia”   
“Jared… fucking cum… I want to feel you fill me… NOW” That wonderful sequence of heavy breath, and slight howl fills the garage air as his hips start to still   
“Why do you have to so sexually aggressive?” I pull myself up right and try and spot my romper on the garage floor   
“Oh I’m sorry should I play the submissive right now? I am SO pissed at you Jared, you dropped the key I’ve had to be cut out of handcuffs by your brother and…” His hands grab my shoulders stop-ping my body and his lips still my mouth with a kiss   
“I’m sorry Little Pea… god you drive me crazy”   
“I just wanted to nap on the couch”   
“Did you ever wonder why we don’t sleep like spoons?”   
“Not really” He’s let go of me and we redress ourselves and head out of the door turning the lights off and locking up as we head back to the mini, I’ve left the stupid cape in the house, oh well  
“Because when you push your butt against me it drives me crazy, we’d never get any sleep, so home… let’s go home where I can push my dick into your thigh which as sexy as they are does not make me want to lock you up in handcuffs for disobeying me”   
Note to self if its sleep you want and JUST a cuddle do NOT push butt on to Jared’s dick, because as much as I love sex with my husband I really did just want to nap.  
****************************************************************************************   
I have a shoulder thing. I’m not entirely sure how I got the shoulder thing. But the one thing I do know is that it really fucking hurts. I’ve debated blaming Jared and sulking as I’ve seen the cutest Saint Laurent brogues in the new collection and he might feel guilty enough to buy them for me. Even though I told him no more than $500 on gifts, I’m sure they’re not THAT much… ANYWAY shoulder thing Jesus fucking Christ it’s like I’ve got a cell phone jammed between my ear and my shoulder blade and every time I try to move I want to cry. Now usually when I have a thing with a body part I would just get V, because what’s the point in having a sports masseuse as a best friend if you can’t abuse her services? When she’s pregnant apparently and is unable to perform such tasks as she can’t get to the table because of her bump. She’s literally jumped on my spine before, I screamed, there was a loud click and I’d never felt better. But as well as pointing out that she’s too pregnant for this shit, she’s fucked if she knows what I’ve done here and wouldn’t be able to help anyway and MAKES me go to Dr Hartman. I HATE seeing the Dr unless it’s a dire emergency so he knows if I show up in his waiting room that something is well and truly up. I had to get a cab down here, V still can’t drive and Jared is AWOL (well to be fair he was gone after I woke up una-ble to move and I didn’t want to disturb whatever it is he’s twirling about at today) and this isn’t work related so I didn’t want to ask Steph, and parents would fuss too much, ditto with Char.  
“Amelia… well I don’t need to ask what’s wrong how did you get here?”   
“Cab”   
“Right well…” He stands behind me, I’ve not even sat down yet after he’d called me into his office, he puts his hands on me and I shriek loud enough to be heard in Canada “OK you’ve got a frozen shoulder”   
“I could have told you that”   
“Sit down please” I perch in the chair, I’m wearing the oddest assortment of clothing, basically things that didn’t make me want to cry when I tried to put them on “RIGHT I’m going to give you a jab of muscle relaxant direct into the affected area which will, unlock you from your erm… position but it’s going to be sore as sore for a while so what would you like?”   
“What do you mean?”   
“I mean what do you want to help the pain, what’s your schedule like? Do you need to be mobile and comprehensive to your surroundings or do you want the opiates”   
“NO opiates”   
“OK then… you could have Oxy… OR I could give you a medical marijuana card?”   
“A what? I don’t smoke”   
“Yes you do when you’re stressed, but you know this is 2014 Amelia you can get Candy Floss with it in, you wouldn’t have to smoke it”   
“And you approve of this?”   
“It’s not addictive like some pain relief, it’s the best option really for something like this”   
“Ok then”   
“Good… right I’ll just get the nurse”   
I’m a lot happier when I leave the Dr’s office and I can actually move my shoulder although he’s right it’s sore as hell. I call V and tell her about my card and she of course thinks it’s hilarious and is utterly jealous. In college V smoked so much pot there was a constant green cloud that surround-ed her, she kept it up after we left but when she started working professionally she decided it was hypocritical of her making her clients take drug tests when she wouldn’t pass one herself and gave it up cold turkey (I’ve no doubt her and Jamie have gotten high together at some point). I’m be-wildered by it, I mean when V would smoke it in college you got it from the dude with the dreads that thought he was a white Bob Marley but now you just roll down to the pot store with your card and select the product that suits your needs best and I hope to god I am not papped doing this.   
I choose brownies (fresh, vegan, gluten free, god bless LA hippies and their health obsession) and a bag of candy floss seeing as it had amused Dr Hartman so much. I get home and do a few things because now I can move my shoulder I had some things that needed signing, some emails to send, things that are probably best done sober. I was just coming out of the bathroom, very relieved to be able to pee without crying, when I saw him, head in the fridge, fanny pack slung on the coun-ter, and guess what? A mouth full of brownie (I’d put them on a plate in the fridge to stop them getting squishier than they had been when I was coming home)   
“Hey Loops, there’s brownies in here I thought you said they were the scurvy of waist lines every-where”   
“Jared how much brownie have you had?”   
“Erm… whoops one and a half…”   
“Jared you shouldn’t have eaten those brownies”   
“WHY? Oh god are they laxative brownies? Why would you put laxative brownies in the fridge? Why can’t you just juice cleanse like everyone else? Is it your meds? Oh I saw Jamie today and he asked how your shoulder was? I didn’t know you’d hurt your shoulder? Why didn’t you tell me? ANYWAY how was your day?”   
“JARED!”   
“WHAT?”   
“YOU’VE EATEN MY POT BROWNIES”   
“WHY DO WE HAVE POT BROWNIES?”   
“I HURT MY SHOULDER I WENT TO DR HARTMAN AND HE GAVE ME A CARD INSTEAD OF A SCRIPT FOR OXY OR MORPHINE AND I DON’T SMOKE SO I GOT BROWNIES”   
“I’VE GOT AN INTERVIEW IN TWENTY MINUTES”   
“Erm… think you better cancel that…”   
He takes a deep breath in and composes himself “It’ll be fine, my Mom was a hippy remember I’m like pretty immune to pot, and besides they won’t put that much in these I doubt, is your shoulder ok, was it me? Did I hurt you?”   
“I don’t know… do you feel ok?”   
“I feel fine… I feel bad I ate your brownies, here you come eat the last one and a half ok?” I make my way over to him and he puts the plate down on the kitchen island in front of him and leans down and gives me a kiss to the lips before I scarf them down, calories be dammed “Now tell me all about your day and your shoulder huh?”   
By the time Emma and Shayla arrive as the interview is being done via webcam from here, we… well no maybe just me… are SO STONED, my husband looks like Jesus and I’ve spent the past ten minutes telling him that, he answers the door, well kind of falls towards the door “Hey you ready? Erm are you ok?”   
“I’m fine… FINE”   
“Amelia?”   
“Emma don’t you think he looks like Jesus? I mean so much like Jesus, we should listen to The Stone Roses”   
“Why?”   
“Because jerk off Jerd they recorded an album called the Second Coming I think…” I smirk just a little one and let the information process in my brain “Huh coming…”   
“I am SO hungry, Shayla will you go get me… erm fried chicken… Amelia you want fried chicken?”   
“Oh hell to the yes”   
“Shayla don’t move” Emma’s voice has everyone frozen to their respective spots, me on the floor in front of the couch, Jared by the door Emma looking distressed and Shayla half way back OUT the door to get chicken, man I really want chicken “RIGHT what the hell is going on here? Are you… are you two… HIGH? Oh my god you are why are you high? SHIT Shayla I need you to ring the maga-zine NOW and tell them Jared is sick”   
“I’ll go get my own chicken then”   
“NOPE SIT DOWN JARED”   
“Urgh bossy Emma…” Jared wobbles towards me and plops on to the floor giggling as he goes   
“Right slowly… from the beginning…” Emma sits in the armchair, glaring at us   
“I told him not to eat them”   
“I didn’t know what they were… why didn’t you get anymore?”   
“Because I got Candy Floss too”   
“Right so you’ve eaten something…”   
“Brownies”   
“Pot brownies… great… I mean I’m assuming its pot?”   
“Loops hurt her shoulder”   
“I told you don’t call me Loops” It’s what Harry calls me as she can’t say Little Pea so it’s “Loops” instead “I got a pot card instead of Oxy or morphine I put the brownies in the fridge but Jesus got to them before I did and ate them and then I ate what was left and now I’m REALLY HUNGRY and you stopped Shayla getting chicken”   
“Jared you KNEW you had an interview, why the fuck did you chow down a load of pot brownies?”   
“Didn’t realise they were pot… where’s the candy floss Loops?”   
“Don’t call me Loops it’s in the cupboard with the teas”   
“Of course it is… RIGHT well… Shayla we shall go and leave these two to their erm… munchies”   
I have no idea how long we’ve been sat on the floor now, we’ve eaten the candy floss and a buck-et of chicken and fries that we called for, we giggled A LOT (no I mean A LOT like Beavis and But-thead, V called to see if I was ok and we just giggle snorted down the phone at her until she hung up) and now we’re just sat here with the dog snoring at our feet. Maybe I should have just gotten the Oxy?   
“Jerd?”   
“Loops?”   
“I’m really stoned”   
“Does your shoulder still hurt though?”   
“Nope”   
“Well, next time I promise I won’t eat your brownies, but maybe you should label them as POT brownies”   
“I will… I’m sorry you missed your interview”  
“Emma will reschedule, if I’d have known you had hurt yourself I’d have come home and looked after you, Amelia… oh Amelia…”   
“Shall we go to bed?”   
“Can we watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?”   
“Yes but absolutely NO acid soaked cupcakes ok?”  
******************************************************************************************  
Video viewing party. Why do they have these? I mean I’m happy with it, all associated with Twenty One Pilots are happy with it why does there have to be a party to “showcase” it? Jared’s doing his proud mother hen bit and inviting everyone he knows and I’m taking Raisin to FINALLY get her cast removed so she can come to the party cast free. Yes I’m taking my dog to the party this is LA, I bought her a very chic new collar with little stars on it and a tiara (FYI she’s less than impressed with the tiara I doubt it’ll stay on long).   
“Mrs Leto and Raisin please…” I scoop her up from my lap and we go into the Vet’s consulting room, she’s quite used to it now with her check-ups and X Rays I think she thinks this is just some kind of really happy place where people fuss her and give her many treats. She’s put down on the table and I notice the little buzz saw on the side ready to free her “Well Raisin I bet this feels like it’s been a long time coming huh? This cast is remarkably clean I hope she has been out walking?”   
“Oh yeah it’s just we started putting a little baggy on it and holding it on with a scrunchie in case she got it wet” And to replace it would have cost big bucks, AGAIN “She’s actually been really ac-tive for her”   
“Probably a growth spurt huh Raisin? Right Mrs Leto if you hold her we’ll take this cast off”  
There’s a little wriggling but not a lot and she’s pacified with her ball with peanut butter in that will keep her still and occupied for as long as possible, and I am glad there’s a sink in here because my hands end up covered in cast dust, peanut butter and dog drool, thanks Raisin. Inside the cast is an assortment of objects which I am truly horrified and embarrassed about in equal amounts. There’s a peanut, a bit of drinking straw, what looks like an actual raisin, a piece of paper with a Bart doodle on it, seriously how has she been walking around with that nonsense in there too?   
“Erm… I have no idea how any of that got in there” She’s on the table herself now while I wash my hands  
“She was probably trying to scratch herself…” He barely looks up from where he’s looking at her now cast free leg, making sure her little knee bends, she’s barely even blinking and is quite possi-bly falling asleep. Sloth dog “Right all is fine here, keep up her exercise and good diet any problems come back but if not we’ll see her for her booster jabs in a couple of months and you should really discuss with your husband if you want to breed her or not”   
“I don’t think we will be, I couldn’t have the time to rear a litter of pups as well as everything else”   
“Well then, best get those tubes tied huh Raisin, she’s a beautiful thing, just watch no males dogs erm… get to her…”   
“RIGHT ok…” slight embarrassment “Thank You”   
“And you ok bye Raisin” He gives her one last scratch behind the ear which rouses an affirming snort from her and we leave his room, pay the bill and hot foot it home where apparently I have to discuss the fertility of my dog with my husband, but she’s just a BABY, well I suppose in dog years she’s what? Nearly seven, that’s still too young, urgh… the cat was bad enough…   
We arrive home to an army of people in the apartment. I hate this. I said this was home NOT hive and yet hive moves wherever home is and its annoying I don’t want all these people in here, I don’t know who half these people are… Oh no wait yes I do… but STILL   
“Jay RED”   
“LOPS” Loops has now gone to Lops which makes me sound like a bunny rabbit he just pulled out of a hat “We’re just finishing up that interview I missed when we erm…” When we got high   
“Oh right well hello everybody” I wave around the room but only get a few head nods in response, grumpy bastards  
“RAISIN! Look at you… my baby girl with no cast” She wriggles in my arms at the sound of him call-ing her name and leaps from them before I can stop her luckily she hits the ground and just keeps running like she hasn’t had her leg in a cast for weeks   
“There were some erm… things in her cast when it came off”   
“It itched I was just helping her out”   
“Whatever, I’m going for a shower, I’m covered in dog drool and cast dust…” I’d not heard him come into the bathroom, I had the music on, but I knew he was there when I was plunged into si-lence “Jared?”   
“Amelia…” He’s stood in the doorway of the shower, clothes already stripped off, wicked grin on his face   
“Erm…”   
“Mind if I join you?”   
“I have to get ready for the viewing party”   
“Go with wet hair”   
“Are we home alone?” Because fucking with other people in the apartment weirds me out and I’m assuming that’s where this is going, unless he’s getting in with me to save time   
“Yes so I’m getting in…” And in he gets stepping right up in my face “Hello little lady”   
“I told you not to call me that…”   
“Sorry baby” His face gets closer again to my own  
“Don’t call me that either!”   
“Awww darling…”   
“STOP it”   
“Bae, babes, sweetie pie”   
“JARED”   
“Riled up enough yet?”  
“For what?”   
“To show me what you got Sugar Tits”   
“NOW THAT is just plain offensive…” His mouth collides with mine, there’s a lot of him biting my lower lip which he knows drives me crazy and will make me forget any former commitments that I may need to be attending to that isn’t fuckery. He stands up straight and spins me round, lifting my right knee on to the shelf (we had a few things put in the shower lately, just things to make this… easier) “You’re such an asshole Jared”   
“Yup I love it when you get mad at me” He lines himself up with my entrance and just teases me with his erection rubbing it up and down my slit around my clit and all I can do is push my hands flat against the wall and hope I don’t fall. I try to do what he does and act disinterested, and NOT stick my butt in his direction but that’s never gonna work. I’m pushing myself back on him desperate for him to be inside me now “Want it?”   
“Nope”   
“Stop gyrating against it then”   
“Jared…”   
“Babycakes” I make a frustrated angry sound and he steps forward finally pushing his erection in-side me, only he doesn’t move, I do because I’m mad at the stupid names he was calling me, so I punish him by fucking myself, urgh he makes me so mad when he does shit like this. Because it works. DAMMIT Jared   
“Move”   
“You’re doing such a splendid job of fucking yourself though”   
“JARED”   
“Alright alright…” He puts his all into it then, hands on my hips, his own hips moving hard and fast, hot water pouring over us still. Urgh shower sex… See the problem is now when I have to say something in front of a room full of people all I will do is look at him and remember this, he’s such a distraction. And I’ll remember the orgasm that’s going to come out of me. This is one of those wonderful quickies where all the best moves are pulled out to send us racing towards the finish. No slowly slowly, no hours of teasing, just straight up - stick your dick in me, we’ll both cum and be on our separate ways - fucking. I put my fingers to my clit and try to keep my balance, as he draws me back towards him plastering his chest to my back, his mouth finding my neck and sinking his teeth into it as my orgasm pulls out of me, LOUDLY… shortly followed by a string of expletives fall-ing off his tongue as he cums himself, his hips and hands stilling as I bring my foot flat to the floor again. There’s an incredibly loud crack as his palm hits my wet ass “Right Lops, I’ll go feed the pup-py you stay and get clean, it’s your party after all can’t have you turning up with cum running down your thigh smelling like a wanton slut now can we?”   
I turn to rage at him but of course he’s too quick and is already out of the shower and I still need to shave my legs. Just as I bend down to do the first leg he sticks his head back in puts the smallest of kisses to my lips, winks and then flounces off.   
I’ll get you next time Gadget I mean Jared…


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

RIGHT. Dog – check. Dog’s tiara – check. Wife? “AMELIA?”   
“Two minutes”   
“You said that two minutes ago” She really did say that two minutes ago and then probably two minutes before that. The fuck is she doing? With the dog tucked under my arm trying to shake off her tiara I make my way to the bedroom. Is she having a freak out? I’m not equipped for this, a so-lo freak out, Veronica doesn’t need the stress of an anxious Amelia along with her pregnant type things she’s got going on. She’s been pregnant forever, I mean Jesus is she cooking a soccer team? “Lops?”   
“Yup? Oh Raisin look at you like a princess”   
“What are you doing?”   
“Erm…” She’s got one shoe on, one off, and her shirt appears to be on backwards “Sorry I erm… yeah I’ll be right out”   
“We’ll wait for you here won’t we Raisin?” We take a seat on the lower level of the bed right at the end so I can watch her, make sure she isn’t having an anxiety attack “Are you ok?”   
“Yeah… do I have to go though?”   
“You’re the director so yeah”   
“Why do these things happen?”   
“Are you having a panic attack?”   
“I don’t know what you mean…” She tries to pull her shirt right only to end up in more of a mess to begin with. Raisin gets left on bed and I get on my knees and put her other shoe on before stand-ing up so I’m level with her.   
“Amelia, right just hang on…” I pull her shirt the right way round and do up the buttons again as she’d managed to do them up wrong and I can see her hands shaking slightly “We have these things because people want to show off, those crazy whatever they are in Twenty One Pilots, they’re not used to this and I bet they’re as scared as you are, but more jittery because they’ll have consumed way more sugar… SO let’s take a breath huh? Get into the tree balance”   
“In these heels?”   
“Yes Amelia in those heels” We stand opposite each other, I get it first time, she wobbles a bit (which may be down to the heels) but soon we’re both balanced on one leg each arms over our heads “Better?”   
“Better”   
Balance restored we leave the apartment, dog under her arm still in the tiara and not trying to take it off anymore. We arrive at the Knitting Factory after a fairly quiet car ride, I say fairly quiet Amelia was breathing pretty hard, I don’t know why she’s so wound up. I’ve seen it it’s really good it’s like her art but moving, like it came to life courtesy of two hyperactive under twenty fives. Raisin is the star of the party when we arrive, I don’t see her or Amelia for at least thirty minutes while they do their rounds of hellos. I find my people huddled in a booth in the far corner, well Emma and Paul, Shayla flying solo but nearly sitting in Stevie’s lap… that’s an interesting development… Tomo and Vick are in Detroit, Amelia told V not to come as it’s a small venue and I think she (Amelia) is con-vinced that she might just burst if anyone knocks her. Shannon arrives minus Char who’s stayed home to take care of an under the weather Harry.   
“Hey whoa there’s loads of people here… where’s Little Pea?”   
“Being Belle of the ball with Raisin somewhere, Harry still poorly?”   
“Urgh yeah, who knew so much puke and shit could come out of something so small? ANYWAY can’t have her sick at the wedding, can’t have her sick near V, or Amelia…”   
“Are you ready for the wedding?”   
“As I will ever be”   
“And you’re a hundred percent you want to do it like this?”   
“Yup” Shannon and Char have decided to get married on the cliff top in Malibu, apparently it’s where Tony Stark’s imaginary house would be, if that’s impressive?, thankfully the reception will be inside, as it’s going to be the end of November and probably COLD. Everything is going to hap-pen at once, a baby Reed, a wedding, Amelia’s birthday and Harry’s first birthday “Should we throw Amelia and Harry a joint birthday party?”   
“Amelia hates birthday parties… plus it’s been a big weird kinda year, I think I might take her away”   
“Ooooo mini break for the old married couple”   
“Yeah yeah….”   
“HANNY”   
“Hey Lops, congrats on the video it looks really good, but I’m confused over the need for the par-ty, why are we here? Why do we never have parties Jay?”   
“Because we’re too busy”   
“Well then next time let’s not be too busy? I want an ice sculpture with Vodka pouring out of it so if you’ll excuse me ladies…” He’s half way across the room when he turns back “That includes you brother” SHIT HEAD   
All in all the party goes without a hitch, Amelia puts on her business woman face and talks shop with anyone who wants too while I use the time with Emma to go over some ideas for new merch, my head is just so full at the moment positively bursting so it’s easier to just get it all out rather than have it all swimming round in my head. And Amelia wouldn’t mind anyway… Around midnight I notice it, she’s slightly swaying, and at first I think she’s drunk, then I recall she can’t drink any more than one glass of wine with the medications she’s on as she will literally have a half a glass of wine and roll across the floor drunk (luckily we were at home when she attempted it so it was just me that saw her pass out on top of the coffin which is now in the living room, she threatened to get it in, was too drunk to lift the lid then decided she was just going for a lay down on top of it in-stead).   
“Lops?”   
“Tired so tired, where Raisin?”   
“Snoozing on Shannon’s knee, home?”   
“Please Jerd”   
I bend down to her level and just look at her face, it’s my version of a PDA, I want to kiss her all the time, her lips are so sweet and soft but I know she gets embarrassed and fears snaps of us making out all over the internet so instead I look at her face, right in the eyes and smile, putting the small-est of kisses to the end of her nose “Come on then”   
She’s asleep, head on my knee when we get back to the apartment, she even managed to sleep through a slightly drunken Shannon falling out of the car onto his drive while Char yelled at him. Raisin is fast asleep in her purse and snoring. My ladies, my beautiful ladies… I don’t have the heart to wake her when we reach our place so I just scoop her up in my arms instead, she barely weighs anything, even though she has gained a couple of pounds, it’s Raisin that feels heavy tonight, little tub of cookie dough.   
This is one of her crash outs. I wonder what she did before I was here, I should ask V if she’s ever had to carry her somewhere post panic attack or just left her to slide down a wall and sleep on the floor.   
“Hey…” I’ve laid her on the bed, taken her shoes off for her and she’s stirring a little bit “I’ve taken your shoes off for you, you want me to get your meds for you?”   
“Please, sorry for being such a sleepy head”   
“That’s alright, I’m getting used to it now, panic attack, calm, then sleep, we have been together for a while you know, is it our anniversary soon?”   
“Is it? No it’s after my birthday because you got upset that you’d missed it and made me have a fake one so you could take me out to dinner”   
Yeah I did, I knew then she was right, I wouldn’t have done that for anyone else “Oh yeah… so I thought for your birthday we’d go to fashion week in New York? We’ve been invited to the FROW at Saint Laurent”   
“The what?” She’s sat up enough now to take off her make up while I go get her pills from the bathroom and a glass of juice in her Hello Kitty glass from the kitchen  
“The front row”   
“Really? Erm… well…”   
“Just try it once huh? You might like it… plus you get gift bags and I will buy you the latest Ray Bans to hide behind”   
“But… why have I been invited? I mean you’re the walking Saint Laurent catalogue not me, plus I’m hardly a style icon am I?”   
So little faith in herself, since we got married (and don’t tell her this) but she’s really smartened up, not that she wasn’t anyway, but now it’s like a catwalk Amelia style. Top to toe perfection, and she makes it look so easy to, like oh I just threw on this on, but I know she didn’t. I see her mind going through her closet as she sits in her pyjamas eating her breakfast, while I answer all my emails and missed calls Amelia is thinking she’s going to wear those jeans with that top and these shoes. It’s no wonder we got asked, and yes I wear a lot of Saint Laurent but so does she, I bought her the cutest brogues to apologise for eating her pot brownies, and (again don’t tell her this) but I had to get them specially made as her feet are so tiny they didn’t have them in her size without a special order, which yes made them a little more expensive but look she’s my wife, she’s more than worth it to me. I’d buy her a million pairs of brogues if she’d let me and it made her happy.   
Plus I love when she breaks in her new shoes. People have quirks, and the longer me and Amelia are married the more of hers I notice. When she gets new shoes (as well as them not being al-lowed on a table until the soles have been on the floor as it’s bad luck) she wears them around the apartment to break them in, no matter what else she’s wearing, so she’s been cold and snuggled up in MY dino onesie with a pair of high heels on strutting about tail swishing as she goes. Did I mention that I love this woman? Because I do, because of little things like that “Amelia, we could get styled before we even go, people do it, like they’re going to the Oscars or whatever, plus you LOVE New York in the Fall”   
“Ok… BUT Jared no ‘spoiling’ me ok, remember what we said about gifts and limits”   
“Yeah yeah yeah yeah” I’ve stripped off my clothes and gotten on to the bed into what she calls my multi-media buddah position where I sit in my briefs cross legged on top of the covers checking my business stuff until she’s ready to lay down next to me. Really I do it so I can spy on her as she slips out of her clothes and into her night wear, an Enfants Riches Deprimes shirt tonight and some dinky DKNY shorts. I can never decide which Amelia I love more. The Amelia who’s taken her make up off and scooped her hair and with her glasses on, just comfy and sleepy or the Amelia who’s eyeliner is dead perfect and her brow game is strong enough to beat just about anyone with her stylish clothes and fierce shoes. Or MAYBE and probably more honestly it would be naked Amelia, naked and wet Amelia… And THIS is why I don’t actually get any work done in my buddah position “So I’ll get Emma to book the flights”   
“Can it just be you and me?”   
“How do you mean?”   
“Well I mean, no Emma or harem or meetings while we’re there, just YOU and ME on break, no work, just holiday, I mean we can have dinner with friends out there or whatever I just, let’s switch off huh?”   
“Sounds good to me RIGHT SUGAR TITS”   
“DAMMIT JERD”   
“Come let’s get under the covers and snuggle this out… RAISIN… BEAST…” Beast appears first and lollops out on the lower part of the bed, he’s learnt that there’s some under floor heating right there so it’s extra toasty on his belly. Raisin hurtles though and gets on to the main part of the bed with me and Amelia, she doesn’t bother us, the bed it so big AND she has her own blankie so that she can wriggle around pull it over self and tucker down without disturbing us too much.   
We’re all in our spaces and I snuggle up to Amelia who seems to have come back round after her initial flump “Was the video ok?”   
“It was stunning… and just confirmed what I already know which I that I want you to help me direct the next Mars one”   
“Are you SURE?”   
“Yes we’ll talk about it nearer the time for now my Little Pea let us sleep… Good night ladies and Beast”   
“Night Jerd… Love you”   
“Of course you do I’m a loveable guy…” She elbows me in the ribs lightly “Love you too Lops, sleep tight”


	29. Chapter 29

OK SO, I left the apartment today in Jared’s underpants. Yes that’s what I said Jared’s under-pants, the red and white stripy ones, WHAT HAPPENED WAS… I’d got up, he’d already gone to the Lab, and I’d nodded back off on the couch, I’d taken a sleeping pill the night before be-cause I’ve been feeling the nerves of going to NYC coming over me (IDK why…) and if you don’t get up… up you can easily fall back to sleep without even trying. I’d gotten under a throw on the couch as my toes were cold while I ate my breakfast, Raisin had gotten on there with me after going out on the roof garden to pee with Jared before he left and that was it. Out cold. My phone ringing was what woke me up. I was supposed to be in a meeting with a magazine about me writing a monthly column on art, only I wasn’t there so the first thing Steph did (I was supposed to meet her in the Starbucks next door to the magazine office prior to the meeting) was PANIC. Only thankfully not panic enough to rouse Jared, he’s still convinced if I go missing or am unreachable for more than half an hour that I’m dying on the floor again and he has a panic attack. He did it last month, I’d not charged my cell while I was in my studio and traffic was bad, by the time I got back to the apartment Jared was beside himself, almost in tears, this is why I now have a portable charger for my cell phone. ANYWAY… I wake up answer the calls and FLY around the apartment gathering my shit to go, thankfully my bag with all the papers and briefs in (hahaha briefs) was already sorted last night SO all I need to do is dress in some-thing other than pyjamas and haul ass to whichever car I’m going to find in the garage down-stairs. I can get away with wearing my nightshirt (I put a bra on obviously) as it’s a soft plaid thing so everyone will just think it’s a shirt… BUT I need different bottoms and instead of going into the bedroom and the closet I grab what’s nearest which is a pair of Jared’s underpants and my pair of my skinny jeans that had been drying on the airer in the kitchen (seriously an airer is the best thing EVER). I flung some deodorant and perfume on so I didn’t smell like sleep and hot footed it out of the apartment WITH Raisin under my arm as I’ll take her on a long walk af-ter the meeting, maybe go see V or something. There’s some make up in the mini, so all the way down to the garage I was PRAYING it was my car there and not his and holy shit balls it IS my car, SCORE. Make up applied, meeting done, hormonal Veronica weeping over the idea of Raisin never having puppies, and I’m back home again. He’s already back, plotting away at something… not sure what but it better cost UNDER $500 or I’m going to make him take it back.   
“HEY YOU” I put my arms around him as he sits on the couch and I’m stood behind it, Raisin is doing her lap of the apartment making sure everything’s in check and how she left it, he’s on Buzzfeed on his iPad which means he switched OUT of the naughties as I approached. PORN was he watching PORN? Oh hell yes, let’s do that   
“HEY meeting ok?”   
“YUP” And I will now be writing a monthly column for the foreseeable, like an artist gossip re-port I guess “Thanks for not taking MY car to the lab… why are you here anyway it’s only lunchtime, well late lunchtime”   
“Just wanted to be here”   
“You ok?”   
“Yeah just trying to keep the balance of lab, work and home you know?” I put a kiss to his cheek, walk off towards the kitchen and put the kettle on when he calls after me “Erm… Ame-lia what panties are you wearing?”   
SHIT “Erm… yours… sorry look I was late, I fell back to sleep and…”   
“And what makes you think you can wear MY pants? Should I wear yours?”   
Is he pissed or joking? “Well you can try but I doubt your dick would fit never mind your fifty lb heavier than mine butt”   
“Thongs are very roomy” joking then… “I want to see”   
“Want to see what?”   
“You in my pants”   
“Why?”   
“Don’t question me Amelia”   
“Oh I’m going to question you SIR because I’ll think you’ll find…” I abandon the kitchen and walk over to the couch and the coffee table in front of it shedding my outer layers as I go pray-ing it’ll take my weight when I stand on it in just my… I mean our underwear “THAT I AM WEARING THE PANTS RIGHT NOW”   
He looks up at me, standing there in my wonder woman like pose in my really expensive fuck-ing bra with all its lace and frills and his underpants which are really quite big, he wears a medi-um or a large I am really an extra small (well maybe a small these days) “I see…”   
“Yeah you BETTER…” I dive into his lap straddling him, wrapping my arms firmly around his neck “…seeing as I’m wearing the pants, are they working for you? I mean they do for me, your cute bubble butt at the back and your beautiful dick in the front… and these ones the stripy ones are my favourites”   
“What do you think?” he pushes his hips up, grinding against me, letting me feel his hardening dick   
“Oh…” note to self, wear husbands underpants more often “…well I think…. Yes…” it must be the pants going to my head (not literally because they’re still on my butt) “You’ll be taking your clothes off”   
“Here?”   
“Don’t question me Jared” How does he do this without laughing? And keep a straight face? Anytime I try to be vaguely dominating all I want to do is giggle “Take off your clothes… IN FACT…” I pull myself away from so I’m sat next to him “…stand up and strip”   
“What?”   
“Stand up and strip”   
“What’s going on here?”   
“I AM THE ONE WEARING THE PANTS NOW STRIP… WHORE”   
Despite him watching Magic Mike on a plane home once his man stripping abilities are below par, there’s no teasing he just strips, giggling as he does it. If I did this to him I would be spanked so hard it wouldn’t even be funny “That strip was so poor…” He’s stood in front of me now, totally naked, dick pointing in my direction, hands at his sides looking a bit well exposed “Awww what’s wrong? You don’t like it when the table are turned huh? Well you know what you can just stand there and watch…” I must have taken a blood rush to the head, nope maybe further south than that. I push the pants down to my ankles off over one but leave them hooked on the other. I spread my legs and run my hands all over my body before landing my right hand between my thighs where I use my fingers to slide between my folds, tease my clit into throbbing just a little bit and all he can do is just stand there and look “No touching your-self Jared” There’s a frustrated sounding noise that comes from him and his dick is literally twitching towards me, his arms going back to his sides from where they’d started to move to his crotch. I don’t want to make myself cum, no I like it when he does that so instead I pull my-self towards the edge of the couch so I’m face level with his dick and I put my lips to the head and go to town on him. It’s killing him having to keep his hands to himself and I admit this would be better if he was pulling my hair at the same time, but having MY hands free more than makes up for it and I get to use them as well as my mouth.   
“Amelia… AMELIA”   
“What?” I move my mouth away so I can speak but keep my hands moving   
“I NEED to touch you… PLEASE”   
“No, not till I say” I put my mouth back to work, pushing him right to the point where I know he’s starting to have to hold back, probably thinking about the least sexiest thing he can, con-centrating on everything but me and what I’m doing. Seeing as I’m in charge I just want him on top of me, on me, in me, so pulling myself away from him I take my bra off and drop it to the floor and lay back on the couch, once again running my hands all over my body “Want it?”   
“Nope” he’s mock pouting just like I do to him because I’ve made him wait   
“Your dick is saying otherwise”   
“That’ll go away”   
“Oh well, I guess I’ll just do this to myself then but I’d like it more if you joined in” I start work-ing my clit over with my fingers of my right hand using my fingers on my left hand to pinch my nipples into standing out, I like being rough with my tits when I’m in the right mood, I like HIM being rough with my tits more though and right now he’s biting his lip so hard I think he’s going to make himself bleed and his hands are balled into fists his knuckles going white “Are you sure you don’t want to join in?”   
“I am the one who is in charge”   
“Well then how about you act like it” That’s the final push he needed and he throws himself down on top of me scooping my legs around his waist and plunging his dick deep inside me in one swift movement “OH FUCK ME” he doesn’t respond with words but with using his lips to bite and suck where he can reach, his hands holding mine out to the sides so I can’t touch him, and I need friction so desperately the only way to do it is grinding my hips against him in time with his thrusts “I should wear the pants more often”   
“I think NOT gives you… ideas” He has sweat just dripping on to me now, we’re sliding against each other and I love it. My toes are curling, my breathing and heart rate are picking up in speed as he pushes me into an incredibly loud orgasm an orgasm so loud and intense I don’t register him cumming at the same time until it’s almost too late, and just as I think my orgasm is over the feeling of his sparks mine off again and we are just blur of limbs and sweaty bodies writhing in orgasmic ecstasy. It takes a while for us to regain some composure which we do with him still on top of me squashing me into the couch below but I do not care.   
“Sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight”   
He laughs so loudly I nearly go deaf in my left ear which is nearest his mouth “You look so cute in my pants just so you know…” he pulls away leaving us laid side by side “I mean I’d just look silly in yours without a massive amount of tucking tape, but you in guy pants, yeah newest fet-ish I think, who knew?”   
“You wanna tell me why you’re really home at three in the afternoon?”   
“Because…” he turns his head to me “… everyone else went home, Shannon to do more wed-ding stuff, I think Emma’s pregnant…”   
“WAIT WHAT?”   
“She looks kind of round across the middle… look at her next time you see her… ANYWAY I was going to stay at the Lab but then I thought no wait I have a home to go to now too and I’m going, it was worth it… Amelia my wonderful distraction” There’s one of those cute kisses put to the end of my nose “NOW lets be domesticated and put the laundry away so you can wear your own pants tomorrow, I don’t think my dick can take you in mine everyday”   
AND THAT is his way of saying, I like you in charge baby, just not all the time. THAT’S MY JOB.   
*************************************************************************************************************   
“Amelia? I thought it was you…”   
Oh my god this is not happening right now, is it? Yes it is. I stand up and do some half weird embrace thing then glace back around the table which includes parents scowling, Veronica looking ready to throw a punch and absolute confusion from everyone else.   
“Hi I’m Jared”   
“Oh Yes this is Jared my husband” Did I need to say husband? Probably not but I’m glad he’s standing up right now, did he see me shaking?   
“Stephen Woodburn, I used to share a studio space with Amelia before she went into the stratosphere” Well that’s a lie, still lying, good, thanks… now let go of my husband’s hand and return to under the rock you crawled out from “ANYWAY I’ll leave you too it, Amelia lovely to see you, Anna, Arthur pleasure…” he turns to look at V fleetingly “Veronica” There’s some clat-tering and I think she’s being restrained by Jamie. I sit back down with Jared and just look down, not at anyone else just down, at least everyone’s eaten and we’re waiting for the bill “Oh Amelia I almost forgot Happy Birthday” Those in the know say nothing, continuing the conversation as if it hadn’t been interrupted and Jared seems to have been satisfied with the studio sharing story…   
Until we get home “Stephen Woodburn then…”   
I want to run for the hills, but instead I have to clear up puppy pee that’s in the corner NEXT to the pad she’s supposed to pee on, WHY couldn’t you have waited Raisin I would have taken you outside, I’d LOVE to go outside right now “Uh huh”   
“Studio mate? Is that what he said he was?”   
“Yup”   
“Then WHY Amelia did you look like you’d seen a ghost, your parents both had looks that could kill and Veronica had to be restrained from launching sharp cutlery at him”   
“He was… erm… he was… the erm… theonebeforeyou”   
“Oh… that wasn’t the answer I was expecting, HIM? HE was the one before me? The one who said you cheated in the way you work?”   
“Yes, you sound surprised?” We’re face to face now I’ve just finished washing my hands and he’s stood looking slightly flabbergasted behind the couch   
“I didn’t realise he was…”   
“Was what?”   
“Is he Jewish?”   
“Yeah”   
“Mixed race?”   
“Yeah erm… Iranian if I remember rightly” and I don’t want to remember, you know all those times you plan what you’re going to say on that day that time you run into the bastard that broke you? I certainly hadn’t expected mine to be on my birthday when I was with my hus-band, and I could have at least been vaguely sarcastic instead I floundered like a fish out of wa-ter   
“Would you have converted to Judaism if you’d have married him?”   
“I guess maybe, but it never got that far”   
“Well he was really… yeah”   
“What?”   
“The total opposite of me”   
“How do you mean?”   
“Well really tall, dark, good looking, like if Man of Steel was mixed race and fifty pounds light-er”   
“Erm…” I’m not sure where he’s going with this “I dunno if you’ve noticed but YOU are good looking”   
“No that’s not what I meant it’s just, I mean I think you’re beautiful I just hadn’t realised other people thought that too”   
“Well that was insulting”   
“Huh?”   
“You are insinuating Jared that I was incapable of attracting good looking mates”   
“No that’s not what I meant… he just wasn’t what I was expecting that’s all”   
“And what were you expecting?”   
“I don’t know someone short, and bookish, with no style”   
“So just because Stephen was good looking and capable of dressing himself meant that he couldn’t be attracted to me?”   
“No… why are you getting so tetchy about this?”   
“Because you’re being REALLY insulting right now” I raise my hand in a point towards him which gets Raisin going and she rages towards his ankles barking at him trying to bite them through his smart pants   
“Raisin alright alright JESUS dog…” he tries to pick her up but she wriggles and runs back to sit at my feet where she glares at him much like I am doing right now. All the emotions have gone all jumbly inside my head and I don’t know how to feel, something that was dead and buried bubbled up to the surface in physically seeing Stephen even though I’d not THOUGHT about him for years, not since Jared anyway and long before that, and then here is my Jared who’s basically saying no one else could have thought I’m pretty and that really I could only attract the cast of Beauty and the Geek (who are incredibly cute FYI Jared) “Whatever I’m going to bed, I feel like I’m having a food baby, why’d you have to choose Katsuya for your birthday dinner, I always eat too much there… anyway you coming?”   
“No” I cross my arms huff out my cheeks and turn to face away from him, so he can’t see the anger or tears forming  
He retreats to the bedroom without another word (after rolling HIS eyes and throwing his arms in the air) where I hear him stripping off and climbing into bed, although I don’t know how I can hear anything other than my heavy breathing. Is he stupid? Did I just have that con-versation with someone else? Shall I call V and complain? No too pregnant to deal probably and I’d just get a mouthful from Jamie about raising her blood pressure, again. Char, someone must have told Char who he was, and she won’t be in bed yet because Shannon will have woken Harry up when they got home so she would giggle and burble at him and then he’ll go to bed leaving Char to try and get her back to sleep and explain it wasn’t actually time to get up and play with Daddy.   
“’Lo?”   
“Were you actually in bed?”   
“No…” I’m up on the roof garden in the cold, Raisin running around the outskirts sniffing and peeing, marking her territory obviously from all the other dogs that come up here “Stephen Woodburn huh? V told me, because I was confused, so what’s happened?”   
“Jared was just oh so insulting to me…” I lay out the whole conversation with Jared, then tell her everything that happened with Stephen, before I pause for breath and then tell her that Jared has flounced off to bed with no idea as to why I’m pissed at him   
“I think Jared has just got his words wrong is all”   
“What does that mean?”   
“It means Lops, he was probably shocked, I mean that guy we saw I tell you something I would have picked HIM over Jared given the choice, Jared’s gone a bit insecure that’s all and it’s come out of his mouth all wrong”   
“Jared Leto insecure right… I’m sleeping on the couch tonight”   
“I’d rather you didn’t, bed is incredibly lonely without you” He’s wrapped in his robe, hair pulled back, expression much softer now “Who’s on the phone, Veronica?”   
“Charlotte”   
“Yes Amelia?” comes the reply from my phone that I’ve still got pressed against my face   
“No sorry Char… erm Jared’s here I’ll erm… text you… bye” I hang up the phone before she can say anything else and slip it into the pocket of the jacket I’m wearing “I’m…”   
“Nope I’M sorry Little Pea, I’ve never had that conversation before, or well… anyway, I was well… I was taken back, you know it kills me that you had a life before I was in it, and I was just not expecting someone who made me feel inferior in my looks, doesn’t happen very often and I know that sounds big headed but, I think I’m ok looking apart from the weird lump on the end of my nose, and slightly bigger than normal forehead but apart from that I mean I made peace with my face you know, it’s served me well but that guy made me feel like a deformed midget standing next to something a gay guy made in a laboratory”   
“Ok you can’t say that because that was said about Zeffron who if you haven’t noticed is just you in miniature”   
“Aren’t you proud though? I made a modern comedy reference”   
“Yeah I’m proud and I’m sorry”   
“Did it make you feel weird? Seeing him?” Raisin has now reread my mood and realising I’m not mad at him anymore is licking his ankles where they’re exposed at the bottom of his robe, her way of saying sorry   
“Yeah, I’d not seen him since we split up, well he dumped me, I just…”   
“Had it all planned what you wanted to say?”   
“Yeah”   
“You want me to find his address and drive you there so you can say it? Because I will and maybe I’d have a few choice words to say to him too, you don’t tell one of the great artistic masterminds of the twenty first century she cheats on her work, I mean what does he do now? I’ve never heard of him, therefore he’s clearly totally unimportant and probably has a hairy back and…”   
I throw myself at him, arms around his neck legs around his waist as much as I can, my feet aren’t on the floor anymore, he calls it my koala cling “Ask me again…”   
“Ask you what? Oh… Amelia, will you come to bed with me?”   
“Yes… I will”   
   
Fly at midday, get to New York for dinner then FROW tomorrow. I could think of better ways to spend my birthday other than on a plane, I HATE planes but I’m going along with it today be-cause Jared is up to something and really quite giddy with it too. He wakes me up by jumping on his side of the bed party hat already on, AND on Raisin and Beast too.   
“Happy Birthday LITTLE PEA”   
“Erm thanks… what time is it?”   
“Eight now here’s your party hat, your breakfast is on the table and your first gift is out there too”   
“FIRST gift? Jared…”   
“NOPE no complaining… now come on… shall I carry you? I’ll carry you” I’m picked up with not a lot of grace still wrapped in the blanket I’d been sleeping under (instead of ONE quilt we have an assortment of blankets and quilts as we can never get our temperatures the same, so it’s just easier PLUS he’s a cover snatcher) and I’m carried out to the main room. It’s pretty un-missable, my first gift, and it’s topped with a HUGE white bow   
“Jared?” I’m put down on my feet next to my gift   
“Yup all yours, one Pashley bicycle in mint green, which matches…” he pulls a pouch from the front basket of the bike and hands it to me “Mint green Raybans, I told you I’d get you some for the FROW so these have a double purpose”   
“Thank you”   
“You actually LIKE your gift? Have I done good?”   
“Yeah Jared you did good…” I get on my bike shedding my blanket on the floor and as the apartment is big enough I peddle myself over to the table where breakfast is laid out “The bas-ket is kinda weird though, what’s this about?” I point to a selection of clips attached to the in-side of it   
“Oh… come off the bike and eat please as I know you’re going to start throwing Valium down your face soon to quash your pre flight panic attack SO EAT, or shall I feed you while you sit on your bike?”   
“No I’ll get off” I leave the bike upright on its stand and make a note to buy myself a heavy du-ty lock so no one pinches it ever, because it’s amazing. I sit down at the table to what has be-come my traditional birthday breakfast of vegan pancakes, facon and coffee with lashings of syrup, NOMS, thanks Jerd face   
“They’re so you can clip Raisin’s walking harness in”   
“Huh?”   
“The clips in the basket, they are so you can take Raisin in there without her jumping out, not that she would anyway”   
“Where have you been hiding it?” Because it wasn’t here when we came in last night, was it? Was I too preoccupied with arguing with Jared to notice it?   
“Delivered this morning while you slept, you can have your other presents when we get to New York”   
“Jared don’t think I don’t know you’ve already gone over your limit with the bike”   
“Now well see here’s the thing, you said five hundred maximum, but you DIDN’T specify a lim-it on how MANY gifts I could get you”   
“JARED” I am trying my best to scowl, but it’s hard, yeah I like being spoilt but, bags of candy, key fobs that say wife on them, little things… I know he loves me, or he wouldn’t still be here if he didn’t. I don’t need big gifts to know that. I give myself a mental pinch and just let myself be swept up in it all “I’ll just have to remember to spoil YOU”   
“You know Amelia…” He leans over the table and kisses me “You being here with me is enough spoiling for me, my little pea, my Amelia, my love, my wife…”   
“Soppy”   
“It’s your birthday, I’m allowed to be, my Little Pea is a whole year older and still looks twenty five, what’s the secret? Do you sneak off for Botox when I’m not here?”   
“I’ll never tell” And I’ll never have Botox again either, I’ve had it twice. Once in my armpits to stop me sweating in the gown I wore to LACMA, having your armpits pierced over and over with a sharp object for the sake of not sweating is not my idea of fun, which is one of the rea-sons my wedding dress was sleeveless. AND the other time I had it was because I had an epi-sode of TMJ and they used it to paralyse my jaw muscles, it wasn’t a good look, I look like I’d been frozen then half thawed. SO no more, I have a peel when Jared’s not here and I can walk around the apartment with a red blotchy face, and when he is here I just make sure to take care of my skin as best I can.   
“How many of these am I supposed to give you?” He’s looking at the instructions on the label on my bottle of Valium “Two? Two now and then more on the plane if you need them?”   
“That’s fine”   
“Here you go then” I’m handed two little blue tablets and I swig them down with my glass of OJ, yes from my Hello Kitty glass “RIGHT Little Pea go get ready please, we need to be checked in even if we are flying private, so wear what you feel comfy in, as tonight it’s just you and me flumping out in a suite at the Bowery, I will get you whatever your little heart desires to eat then tomorrow I’ve got a few… surprises for you”   
“What have you done?”   
“Never mind that go get ready to fly chop chop, and Amelia wear your OWN underpants please”   
By the time we touch down in New York, where the weather is much cooler and he’s right I do love New York in the fall, we’re both truly flumped. I’ve taught him to relax a bit more these days but I know if this was a work trip he’d have Shayla dump his bags at the hotel and he’d be out the door doing Jared things his feet having barely left the tarmac of the runway. We get ourselves acquainted with the bed with my birthday fuckery and seeing as I was good and wore my own underwear I got to swallow his cum. I mean don’t tell him but that was my fa-vourite present I could ever get because I am a dirty whore for it. It’s just so… mmm. Room service is brought up and we settle down on the couch in the suite in front of the big TV that’s in there and watch (at my request as it’s MY birthday) the latest Godzilla.   
“Right it’s nearly thirty minutes into this movie and I’m yet to see the dam monster what’s the point in that?”   
“It’s about building suspense Jared”   
“Oh right well, the suspense of giving you your next gift is killing ME so…” He gets off the couch and heads over to his trusty black and red holdall, which is next to his actual one true love, his Whole Foods bag “Here…” I’m handed a smallish plain box, not a jewellery box, at least I don’t think it is. He pauses the movie so clearly this is going to demand my full attention “Open it then”   
“OK ok keep your ombre on…” I pull open the parcel and find an all singing all dancing Go Pro camera “WHOA thank you!”   
“I saw you admiring Shannon’s one” He’d got one so he could strap in Harry and see what she saw, or something like that “And I thought well, I’m always taking photos of you and I know you do of me every so often but… do you even have a digital camera?”   
“No I did but it fell off a shelf and died” And when my art needs photographing its done profes-sionally by my dealer, I haven’t done it myself in years so I never replaced my old camera and my iPhone has always been enough for me   
“Well THIS one is Amelia proof so you can hurl it across the room and it’ll stay in one piece, and I got a harness so it can be attached to Raisin and Beast when we get home AND one where you can put it on yourself and make videos of you painting AND you’re going to want a camera to film parts of tomorrow, plus… you know we could use it to film… us…”   
“Oh really?”   
“Yes then when I’m away and we’re apart we will have our OWN porn to help us along, would you like that?”   
“Yes”   
“But not TONIGHT Amelia, not tonight, when we film ourselves it will be in our home, with all our toys so I can torture you until you pant, tease you until you whimper, and make you cum so hard and loud it breaks the lens… I already bought a spare…”   
“Tease”   
“Oh yes… but only ever to you Amelia, only ever to you… I miss Raisin is that weird?” WELL that was a sudden shift in conversation. Beast is at the apartment Constance is going to feed him and Raisin was deposited at Shannon’s so Harry could play with her to her hearts content, she calls her ‘Zin’   
“No I mean I guess I miss her too, we could have brought her”   
“I know but… Harry loves her doesn’t she so she’ll be in good all be it sticky small hands”   
“Thank you for today and my birthday dinner yesterday I feel like it’s a birthday week, not just one day”   
“The celebrations will continue tomorrow as well”   
“It’s not a big birthday though”   
“I know but Amelia every birthday of yours to me is a BIG birthday”   
“Soppy… again”   
“Yup, it’s been a funny old few years you know, one minute there I am recovering from playing Rayon, getting my shit together with the album and in you walk, right into me in Whole Foods with your paint splattered clothes bopping to your own little beat… and I couldn’t let go of you, not like the others they were disposable to me and now I know why, it’s because Amelia you taught me how to love again, how to just be me, no front needed, no pretences, no silly games, you melted my heart Little Pea, like Steve in the ice”   
“You’ve definitely been with me too long if you’re making Captain America references”   
“I’m glad I found you is all… do you ever wonder what it was? That brought us together”   
“Well I needed to buy tofu….”   
“No I mean do you think it was destiny? All roads were supposed to bring us together? A higher force in the universe or was it just right place right time?”   
“I dunno” I’ve never really thought about it, just counted my lucky stars it happened and he’s at my side  
“Well whatever is was Amelia, I’m glad you’re mine” When he says that it makes my heart skip a beat guaranteed, as much as I still am my own person too, when he calls me his it makes me melt into whatever surface I’m on “I don’t tell you enough which is why I over compensate with all…” he motions around the room, to the camera on the table in front of us “…this”   
“Hey… you tell me plenty”   
“I know but I’m always so busy”   
“Jared…” I don’t know if the guilt will ever leave him “… if you weren’t busy if you weren’t doing what you do, you wouldn’t BE you and I love YOU, I need you so much more than I’d ever ad-mit and…” His lips crash into mine and I’m squashed into an embrace, where he’s wrapped his whole body around me “Erm…”   
“That’s the first time you’ve ever said that”   
“Said what?”   
“That you need me”   
“I tell you all the time”   
“When we’re fucking around yes, but never that you just need me”   
“Oh…” Haven’t I? I guess he’s right, in fact I probably haven’t ever admitted it to myself never mind him “Sorry I thought I had, I thought you’d know”   
“Even when you were in the hospital you were still so independent, like you could have done it all yourself”   
“Jared just because I do things for myself doesn’t mean I don’t need you, your presence, your body, your soul, next to me, near me… I always need you just to be next to me, apparently I don’t tell YOU enough”   
“New vow? I vow to tell you I’m glad you’re mine more often”   
“And I vow to admit I need you more often”   
“Perfect…” there’s a slight snuffle from above me where I’m still squashed into him “NOW I want to see this goddam massive lizard do I have to wait much longer? Because if I do I might just turn it off and show you my trouser snake”   
I laugh so hard I fall off the couch, Happy Birthday me. 

I’m rudely awoken by a knocking on the suite door early in the morning, urgh what? Who? Why? This better not be work stuff Jared, I said no work, holiday HOL-I-DAY, remember?   
“Jared there’s someone at the door” I put my hand on his face, trying to stir him into answering the door instead he licks my palm where it’s over his mouth   
“Well answer it Little Pea, it’s for you”   
“How do you know?”   
“It’s your next present now go on open the door” He practically rolls me out of bed into a heap on the floor. I’m in my cowboy pjs and he’s in his, so this is going to look pretty fucking odd to anyone who doesn’t know us.   
“Hello?” I pull the door open slightly and peek round seeing a well-dressed man and woman in the corridor outside  
“Bonjour… good morning Mrs Leto, I trust you slept well, may we come in?”   
“Erm ok…” I let them into the suite, Jared’s out of bed now and greets them warmly as if he’s known them for years, well at least I haven’t let some randoms into the suite in my sleepy pyjama clad state.   
“I am Francois and this is my colleague Margot, we are the model bookers for the Saint Laurent runway show this afternoon” Oh now this makes sense, they’ve come to get Jared so he can walk, that’s why I got the camera so I can video him do it, YES I like this gift, go Jerd with your little model Brazilian bubble butt I will film it bouncing down the runway “And the designers have requested your presence on their runway”   
“Is he going to be walking in the latest lounge wear because he doesn’t need any more ideas about wearing pyjamas as daytime clothes and…”   
“Oh no… erm… sorry I should have been clearer we are not here for Jared, we are here to collect you Mrs Leto and take you to the venue to walk”  
Hahahahahahahahahahaha don’t be so stupid “Erm…”   
“Well go on then Lops your runway awaits”   
“OK one I’m in my pyjamas and two I’m barely five foot, I am not runway material”   
“Margot?” Francois nudges his colleague in the side gently, getting her to focus on the conversa-tion at hand   
“Oh yes… sorry how rude I was distracted…” she turns her attention away from her cell phone and hands me a Starbucks Venti cup with my name on the side of it “… Venti pumpkin spice latte with soy milk to wake you up, there’s breakfast at the venue, we at Saint Laurent take great care of our models, so Mrs Leto if you’d like to come with us, we have a car waiting, do come in your pyjamas, you don’t need anything else”   
“She’ll need her phone hang on….” Jared climbs back on the bed and pulls my phone from charge and slips it into my pocket, kissing me on the cheek “Have fun…”   
“I’m going to kill you”   
“Yeah yeah yeah… love you Lops, see you later, I’ll be front row and centre to see you walk”   
I’m almost pulled from the suite before I can argue or ask any more questions and bundled into a car, thankfully via the back exit so I’m not papped in my pjs. When we arrive I feel like a fish out of water, no maybe more like a rabbit in a land of giraffes, they’re going to make me walk in heels aren’t they? How did Jared wrangle this? So many questions and no time to text him and berate him over it, as I’m thrown into fitting for my outfit. Apparently I will walk last before the designer comes out, I’m the one wearing the key piece of this season. A leather dress with studs down the centre panel on the front. It’s amazing, but it’s too big when I put it on so it had to be taken up and pulled in at the sides, the underwear they gave me though fits like a glove. On my feet I’m going to be zipped into thigh high leather black boots like an haute couture dominatrix. He’s the dom not me… Also HE’S the model not me, I’m sure they’ve got the wrong Leto   
I stuff my face while I wait for a lesson in runway walking as the rest of the models aren’t touching the food laid out. I guess it’s true they really do live on Marlboro Lights, bottles of Evian and glasses of Moet. I do my walking practise in the boots they want me to wear, I manage to not fuck it up completely but I see why they want me to walk last as everyone towers above me and it would be dreadful for symmetry. Plus I’m slower than everyone else as I’m concentrating on not tripping, this is not second nature to me  
How do models do this every day? I’m exhausted and it’s only lunchtime, I could easily have a nap, I don’t do well with jet lag even cross country. I’m being treated like a princess though, like I’m the most important one here. The rest of the models are almost on a conveyor belt of makeup – hair – outfit and I’ve got my own private corner of the backstage area, and Margot who keeps asking me if I want anything, food? Drink? Smoke? I wasn’t pampered this much even on my wedding day. I don’t even feel nervous about this and I really should, I should be crapping my pants over it but there’s a guy coming round giving shoulder, head and hand massages to frazzled models and by the time he’s finished with me I feel like I’m floating on air and I’ve totally forgotten I’m only in underwear, boots and a robe (with my name on it, I mean that’s so cute, all the models have them, but still) and I’ve got to close a show in front of hundreds of people and an assortment of media.   
“OK Mrs Leto, this is Leo he’ll be in charge of your hair and makeup you’re in very good hands here, but yell if you need me” Margo disappears clip board in hand and stood behind me is a very hand-some looking guy who I recognise from somewhere but can’t put my finger on it   
“This must all be a bit crazy to you huh?”   
“You’ve never been backstage at a Thirty Seconds to Mars show have you? It looks kind of like this with less straightening irons and more Instagram… OH I know you, you’re the guy who does the make overs on the morning TV shows right?”   
“RIGHT, not that you need a make-over, just some tweaks here and there, ready Mrs Leto?”   
“Call me Amelia, please”   
This is more make up than I have ever worn, I don’t even look like me it’s dramatic and dark with so much eyeliner I’m almost verging on Amy Winehouse territory. My hair is the best though, I’ve not cut it in forever (I don’t think since the wedding), and because it was all different lengths where my layers had grown out I have proper hair extensions put in making it all one length, and a treatment put on it that makes the colour pop and shine in a way it never has done before. It swings down past my shoulders, poker straight, and full of life, like Jessica Rabbit with a centre parting. I love it. I should really make time to get my hair done properly more often, but it just gets put on the back burner because I’m busy or a colour thrown on it when I feel it’s looking a little dull. I eat, again, and THEN the anxiety starts, I think really because the tension in the room goes up as time starts running out. I pace but do it as stylishly as I can practising my runway walk now in my dress too.   
“Mrs Leto, these have been delivered for you…” Margot hands me a huge bouquet of Sweet Peas in all the colours of the rainbow, I don’t even need to read the card to know they’re from Jared but I look anyway ‘Good Luck Amelia x PS please don’t kill me’ “… five minutes to start time, are you feeling ok? Your husband said to give you a Valium if needed”   
“I’m fine thank you, I hope I don’t let you down”   
“I’m sure you won’t Amelia…” A beautiful woman, and by beautiful I mean stunning, she stands out in a room full of models greets me warmly with a kiss to both cheeks “I’m Heidi the designer for Saint Laurent, it’s such an honour to have you walk for us, both you and your husband have promoted our designs so much over the past couple of years it was time we returned the favour”   
“I love your designs”   
“And they love you evidently”   
“Did my husband organise all this for me?”   
“We requested you walk when we found out you were attending, we like to treat our guests well you look after us we’ll look after you as they say… You’re the first celebrity we’ve asked to walk for us as you embody the essence of the label so well”   
“He’s so sneaky”   
“Oh I don’t doubt, he said he wanted you to have a day to remember, now I would be honoured if you would have your photograph taken with me?”   
I have my picture snapped with Heidi, and Margo and Leo, and everyone else I’d been talking to during the day, I wanted to remember the whole thing and everything is going so fast photographs will stop it being a blur. I don’t Instagram anything because I haven’t been told I can and I don’t want to get in trouble putting things on the internet that shouldn’t be seen, PLUS I kinda want Jar-ed to see me looking like this for the first time as I walk (wobble) up the runway not before, I hope he likes it all. And it makes a change ME being the one that looked like they stepped off a catwalk (literally) and not him with his troop of stylists and hairdresser and whatever else he does before he steps out at an event.   
We (as in me and the rest of the models) start to be herded into the order we will walk in. And wait. And wait. This is possibly the longest thirty minutes of my life. I can’t see the runway, this is good because it means I have NO idea how many people are out there or WHO is out there. None of the other models come off saying anything bad though, they just come off and head to the food table (finally) and recollect their cell phones so it can’t be that scary, but then they do this every day, I paint every day, ok so sometimes I pretend to catwalk around my studio but this is incredibly different to that. The line of people before me gets smaller and smaller and my heart is going a mile a minute. I can do this, I can do this, I CAN DO THIS… I’ve come such a long way since my LACMA exhibition when I was pacing saying I CAN’T do this, my confidence has grown, especially since I left hospital after my eating disorder episode. It’s all down to him of course, he makes me feel like I’m walking on air / sunshine / clouds most days just with a smile in my direction. He’s mine, Jared Leto is mine that’s enough to give the meekest of people confidence to soar higher than an eagle   
“Ok Amelia ready?”   
“As I’ll ever be…” I take a deep breath in, chin up, shoulders down and climb the stairs.   
I feel like I’m temporarily blinded as my first step goes on the runway, there’s so many flashes, I can’t see anyone, not even Jared, it’s all just one big bright light as I strut down to the end, I turn without tripping and pose at each corner for the assembled photographers. I should have worn my sunglasses Jared got me for my birthday, then I could see better. It’s when I have my back to the flashes I see him, sitting next to Terry and possibly a Kardashian. Do I smile? Acknowledge him? Or just keep with the poker face? He looks like he’s in shock, his mouth is actually hanging open. Have I spilt something down myself? Oh god is the dress caught in my panties? Have my extensions fall-en out already from where I was twiddling with my hair while I was waiting? I vanish back behind the curtain and Heidi gives me a huge smile as I pass her on her way out there.   
The models have lined up once again in their original order, with me last and we do a victory lap I suppose of the runway, while people applaud. This time it’s easier to see Jared now he’s stood up, mouth still hanging open like a goldfish, but as I pass him going back up the runway I wink at him and give him the cheekiest smile I can, stuff the poker face, everyone else is smiling this time. I find my way back to my corner of the backstage and wonder what I’m supposed to do now.   
“Amelia thank you, you were wonderful”  
“Thanks Heidi I really enjoyed that, I don’t suppose you know where I’m meant to put this dress?”   
“That dress is for you, and the boots”   
“Oh thank but I couldn’t accept”   
“Of course you can, call it a birthday and thank you gift, plus the dress has been altered to your size, it’s made for you and only you Amelia and thank you again” She kisses my cheeks and vanish-es into the jubilant applauding crowd, probably to talk to the press, much like a sports team man-ager after a big game. Margo finds me and hands me a large Saint Laurent paper shopping bag con-taining my pyjamas I arrived in, my cell phone, the robe I was wearing, and she says a few ‘other things’ that all the models get, apparently Jared is waiting outside for me in the foyer. I debate get-ting changed into what looks like a pair of jeans and shirt that are in the bag she handed me (no doubt made to measure like everything else here) but I decide to keep the dress and boots on, see what Lord Shit has to say about it.   
I’m a bit laden down when I get into the foyer, huge bunch of flowers in one hand, bag in the oth-er. He’s standing with Terry talking animatedly but leaves him talking to someone else before he comes and greets me alone “Lops… oh LOPS”   
“What? You were looking at me really strangely did I do something wrong?”   
“Do you have any idea how you look right now? Here let me take those…” He takes the flowers and bag from my hands managing to hold them in just one of his hulk hands and with the free hand he tilts my face up to his and puts a small kiss to my lips “… you look like… a supermodel… a really short but perfectly formed supermodel”   
“HEY I’m beautiful all the time”   
“Yes you are Amelia, this is something else though I was worried I’ll admit that you’re not the most coordinated at walking down the street never mind a runway, yet you came out and just walked like a fucking pro… magnificent you look magnificent that’s why I was looking at you weird, I was in shock, I think I still am in shock”   
“Thank you for organising it”   
“They wanted you, you know that right? Didn’t want me, nope MRS Leto not MR, all I did was make sure they were going to look after you… SO my supermodel wife can I take you out to din-ner?”   
“With Terry?”   
“Nah I’ve been with him all day, he’ll probably go to some model party or other, I thought I’d take you out to dinner, anywhere you want to go, THEN we’ll go back to the suite where you’re going to take everything off APART from those boots, ok whore?”   
“Yes Sir”   
“Good girl”   
BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER.   
***************************************************************************************************************  
Ok firstly I never thought a bachelorette party would end in an ambulance ride where I wasn’t the one in need of said ambulance ride and also why do people want me when they’re in fucking la-bour?   
“I swear to god Veronica if this is fucking Braxton Hicks again I will kill you”   
“No it feels different this time, fucking hurts more…”   
“When did your waters break?”   
“I think this morning but thought I’d just pissed myself there’s not a lot of dignity with the end of pregnancy…”   
“Oh great”   
“Just work on finding my fucking husband PLEASE” We’d only been gathering for about fifteen minutes for dinner at Char and Shannon’s when V doubled over and that was it. Labour. Fucking labour. Great. And no one knows where Jamie slash Jared slash Shannon slash whoever else is with them are. And because of V’s issues with pregnancy she had been due to be induced, unless it happened on its own first, and if it happened it was always going to be ambulance rather than car ride. And anyway I have had too much wine to drive fucking anywhere, note to self do not pre drink. My phone rings out with a text from Char who says Jared has Jamie and they’ll meet us at the hospital. Well at least this baby will be here before the wedding? That’s a good thing right? And there’s still a couple of weeks due alter a dress that had been fitted to a bump that’s not going to be there? “DUDE this really hurts”   
“I don’t think you can say dude whilst in labour”   
“Why the fuck not?”   
“Just because”   
“You know as much as you deny it one day you and Jared are going to have a baby and I am going to watch you do this and I am going to LAUGH MY ASS OFF OH FUCK ARE WE NEARLY THERE?”   
The paramedics nod thankfully as she’s squeezing my hand really hard and I don’t want a dislocat-ed finger like Shannon got. Nothing could prepare me for what I see when I get to the hospital though, the ambulance door swings open to reveal a very worried looking Jamie and a laughing Jared dressed like they’re going to climb Everest.   
“What the actual fuck?”   
“Women dinner men mountain V are you ok?”   
“I’m having a fucking baby”   
“Why when someone is in labour you’re there Amelia?” My hand is swapped to Jamie’s as she’s rolled out of the ambulance and Jared kindly helps me down the steps   
“Don’t think you two are fucking going anywhere, she’s waiting, I’ve spent enough time in hospital waiting rooms with her this is payback so saddle up bitch we’re in for a long night”   
“What the fuck have they given her?”   
“Nothing…”   
Jared is being weird as we walk through towards the waiting room, twitchy I think is the best way to describe it. Maybe he’s wigging that he never got to climb his mountain, for the second time as I’m sure they tried this for his pre wedding blow out but couldn’t go anywhere due to the immi-nent arrival of one Harriet Leto. Babies mess with our world so much for two people that don’t have them.   
“Are you ok?” He’s sat next to me, half stripping off the layers he was swaddled in. I refuse to be-lieve anywhere in Cali in October would be that cold, I dread to think where they were headed. It wasn’t a secret I mean I’m sure he’s told me, but I don’t really have any interest in climbing a cold mountain so I probably wasn’t listening  
“I haven’t been here since you were here”   
“Oh” he still beats himself up, even though my sessions with Suzanne are now monthly and we don’t even really talk about my eating anymore, plus it wasn’t his fault in the first place “Well this is happy, and I’m happy… we’re happy… I’m ok now aren’t I? Jared look at me” I pull his chin so our faces are opposite each other even though he’s looking down on me “I’m fine aren’t I?”   
“I hate these places happy or sad”   
“You don’t have to stay Jared go home if you want, Raisin will keep you company”   
“Why do I feel so edgy about this?”   
“Because it’s been a rough pregnancy, a rough conception, and it’s probably going to be a rough labour…”   
“She’s here” We both look to Jamie in the doorway of the waiting room “She’s here…”   
“Yeah” Jamie must mean V is here “And shouldn’t you be with your wife?”   
“No my baby girl is here”   
“Already?” Jared’s nose scrunches up when he’s confused and it’s adorable   
“YUP she’d been in labour for hours and not erm… well she has a high pain threshold so it was all over pretty quickly you’re lucky it didn’t happen in the ambulance ANYWAY you wanna come meet her?”   
“Sure…” I’m positive Jamie has taken a blow to the head we’ve not seen but we follow him any-way and sure enough there’s my friend with a tiny pink blob swaddled in a blanket nestled in her arms, what is this the Beyonce school of giving birth, she’s barely broken a sweat by the looks of things “OH”   
“Well I don’t know what all the fuss was about with Char that was easy”   
“What have they given her?”   
“AGAIN nothing” Jamie just shrugs and goes to stand by his wife and child   
“Amelia she won’t bite I assure you, come see” Urgh really, that close, you want me that close to your child? “Come on she’s going to be your goddaughter, seeing as your so determined not to have any of your own I’m giving you another part time one…”   
“What’s she called?”   
“Lily Rose” Jared takes my hand and leads me over, I feel a bit dumbfounded, at least with Char’s labour there was time to get used to a tiny human coming out of her but this was just so quick I feel like I’ve dreamt it.   
“That’s so pretty” She looks just like V, but she’s got the tightest darkest curls against her head just like Jamie’s hair “I won’t hold her I’m scared I’ll drop her… Jared?” he’s had his mouth hanging open since we came in the room, he should say something though, right?   
“So beautiful…” oh god here we go, Jared emotions are worse than a woman with raging PMT sometimes I swear “… I mean look they cooked a tiny human… I mean they made a person… I mean look… BABY”   
“Have YOU been drinking?”   
“No just… look at the tiny person”   
“I’m looking… right well I think I’ll take my husband home now, I’ll come back and see you guys tomorrow, just let me know where you are ok?” In a small show of affection because I can’t hug her due to the small person in her arms and we aren’t over affectionate with each other anyway I kiss my friend’s forehead “Love you”   
“I love you too”   
“RIGHT Jared lets go” there are too many emotions in here right now “Congratulations and thank you Lily for your swift arrival so I don’t have to power nap on a waiting room chair”   
We take a cab home, passing V and Jamie’s parents in the hospital entrance as we leave as they’d not gotten there quite quick enough. I spend the cab ride texting and calling people alerting them to the arrival of Lily Rose, Jared doing the same on his side. It’s a long cab ride home, an hour on a good day (and today thanks to the time) so half way home Jared snuggles up to me in the back, I brace myself for him being naughty and think he’s going to start being suggestive about jerking him off in the back of the cab (for the record yes I have done that, in a tuk tuk in Thailand I was slightly drunk on rice wine and easily persuaded) but instead I just get warmth as he nearly smothers me with hair and beard and coat and hat. I’m only in a dress and flats so the warmth is appreciated in the cool October night air.   
“Hey there’s OUR baby” Raisin greets us at the door, she’s gotten so good at being left alone, I suppose now there’s so much space in here she can run and everything is pretty much dog proof after her fall she gets the run of the apartment when we’re out (and when we’re in too) she’s so good, no chewed shoes or destroyed belongings to come home to. We’re both smothered in kiss-es then she trots off to whatever she was doing before (snoozing in the middle of couch probably) “You look really beautiful tonight Amelia”   
“Thank you, you look like you’re going to go adventuring with Bear Grylls” I’m in the kitchen mak-ing tea to take to bed and he’s clinging to me still, although he’s now minus a few layers and is down to his briefs, blue tonight “What’s with you?”   
“She was cute wasn’t she? All curly hair”   
“Yeah she was”   
“I like that people keep giving us part time children”   
“I love children when we can give them back”   
“Still don’t want one of your own?”   
“Our own and no, do you?”   
“Nope… I mean I couldn’t stick my hands up your dress in front of a child could I?” His hands move up my dress it’s not sexual though, just funny and tickles, and he will end up with hot water being spilt on him if he’s not careful “Raisin don’t look at me like that…” We both look down to the puppy at our feet who’s looking at her doggy Daddy as if he’s gone crazy stood with his hands up my dress “You bed”   
“Me or the dog?”   
“Both of you… You know I know we’re not having one of our own but they make me feel a bit sop-py, so right now I’d quite like to go to bed with my family and just be thankful I’ve got one… To re-iterate Amelia what I said on the elephant, I’m too selfish to share you but I love LOVE it’s beauti-ful, I forgot about it, you brought it back to me so come on let’s go to bed like the married old cou-ple we are”  
   
With the imminence of the wedding approaching, Harry’s first birthday party (still not walking) is going to be a low key affair at Shannon and Char’s. I leave Jared in charge of gifts because I’m busy trying to get my first monthly column done AND I’ve got a commission from a member of the Nor-wegian royal family meaning I need to be studio not Toys R Us. I don’t know WHAT he’s bought her until she unwraps it and I hang my head in shame…   
“Erm…” Char’s giggling at the huge box she’s just unwrapped for Harry as her little fingers couldn’t get a grip on the paper Jared had put on it, his gift wrapping can be impenetrable sometimes, really he could have just gotten away with putting a bow on top of this   
“Jared she’s ONE”   
“I promised her a Range Rover for not yelling at our wedding” He’s bought her a VERY pink, minia-ture motorised Range Rover (that clearly says ages FIVE plus on the box)   
“Well I like it, I wonder if I can get in it”   
“Shannon NO” Harry is happy enough and is clapping her hands at the picture on the side of the box, the box that will probably get more attention than the toy inside but then small people are fickle, much like cats. Beast would LOVE that box  
“I thought kids liked this stuff”   
“Kids yes, babies no… sorry Char this is my bad, I left him in charge as I’ve been busy… Jared… dolls, teddies, cute dresses, push along scooters, building blocks, NOT Range Rovers”   
“It’s fine Lops honestly, I mean it’ll last her a LONG time”   
“SEE and then when you’re actually sixteen I’ll buy you a PROPER one”   
“Oh no you will NOT”   
“SHANNON! Don’t spoil my fun… why not?”   
“Because I’m her DADDY, I should buy her one”   
“I don’t think anyone should buy her a Range Rover, she can have a heap like everyone else, so when she prangs it, it won’t cost THOUSANDS to repair” my sister in law always the voice of reason in a sea of insanity “Well, Harry let’s take this OUT of the box huh?”   
Although she can’t drive it, she likes sitting in it with the doll Constance got her, the doll that’s the same size as her, oh Harry I can’t wait for you to be a bit bigger… V and Jamie haven’t made it to the party because despite Lily arriving smoothly she’s not given them the easiest of first weeks of life. She likes to be busy all the time, looking at things, or she yells, night time is horrendous be-cause as soon as the lights go out and she can’t see she wails until you go get her and put her somewhere where there’s lots of activity, THEN she’ll nod off and be put to bed until she wakes up again and rinse and repeat. It’s not that she’d scream the party down it’s just V and Jamie are literally sleeping in shifts and look a little bit like extras from The Walking Dead, so they sent their gift (an age appropriate bear and frilly dress) along with me and Jared when we popped to see them and make sure there was nothing they needed. They seem to have it covered, all be it cov-ered in poop and expressed breast milk. I thought I was going to puke when I sat next to V and she breast fed Lily, it was the noise this sucking swooshing noise that made my stomach clench and realise another reason babies aren’t for me…   
“SO Jared thinks you’re pregnant” I’ve finally caught an alone moment with Emma in the kitchen   
“And he’d be wrong” I look her up and down and raise my eyebrows, because Jared’s right she does look bigger around the middle “Seriously Amelia, it’s a Lubrook thing honestly, when in rela-tionships we tend to spread across the middle a bit, it’s just being happy and eating and not run-ning around after Jared twenty four hours a day because you do that now”   
“I didn’t do a good job of it with the gift though… but you’re… ok though?”   
“Yes I’m fine, very happy, Paul is very happy, come round for dinner one night huh? I feel like I see so much of your apartment it seems rude you never see mine”   
“I’d like that, thanks”  
“Good THEN you call tell me all about strutting the runway like a pro at Saint Laurent”   
My runway debut had caused a stir amongst the ‘group’. Jared had managed to not only keep it a secret from me, but from everyone else too, so when my photo started popping up all over the internet standing at the end of the runway in my leather dress and boots people were shocked and bewildered, but I’ve not really seen anyone to tell them about it all. I would have told them at the bachelorette party but Lily Rose saw the end of that before I’d even started to tell the tale, and I’ve not seen anyone since. Like I said busy… busy… BUSY   
Harry throws a strop that ends in her being put to bed to calm down, and once she’s down she’s down. She sleeps like a log, anywhere and everywhere, much like her Daddy. People start to dis-perse back to their own homes, including me and Jared, leaving Shannon and Char to get on with last minute wedding arrangements. We offer to stay and help of course but I get the impression that they want to do as me and Jared did in the run up to our wedding and cocoon themselves in the house hoping that all goes well on the day. I drive home, in MY car, and all the way there Jared is looking at his phone and scowling / sighing / grumbling. Ok…   
“Can you do me a favour Lops?”   
“Sure…” We’re sat side by side on the couch, I’m checking on my emails and messaging Steph about schedules and things I need to do this week and he’s STILL scowling at his phone (also I’ve given up trying to stop people calling me Lops, and I’m going to go with it and buy some rabbit ears and a giant top hat for Jared to pull me out of)  
“Don’t go on the internet for a while”   
“I’m already ON the internet I’m talking to Steph and I need to check my emails, why what’s going on?” I have that awful moment of thinking I’m going to be logging on to something and seeing a photo of him and some other girl in a situation that can’t be explained   
“Just please Amelia…”   
“OK but look you’re going to have to tell me why”   
“Somebody said something bad and I’m dealing with it”   
“About us?”   
“About you”   
“Tell me”   
“No… please just let me deal with this, I AM dealing with this”   
“Don’t get angry with ME”   
“Sorry… sorry…”   
“You know someone’s going to tell me Jared, no matter how hard you try you can’t protect me from the whole world”   
He sighs heavily, knowing I’m right and that if he doesn’t show me I’ll get told by someone who can’t be shut up by him and his ‘people’ “OK but please don’t get upset”   
He hands me HIS phone, Instagram open, a photograph he’d put on there from Harry’s birthday party of us holding hands, he’d hashtagged it in his usual unique way. What could be wrong with a married couple holding hands? I mean he’s my husband, occasionally I like him and we hold hands, you should try it all the kids are doing it. About three comments down is where I see it ‘IS SHE STILL HANGING ON TO HIS SHIRT TAILS? STUPID GINGER BITCH, ALL SHE EVER WANTED WAS FAME TO SELL HER CRAPPY ART SHE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT HIM JUST WANTED HIS MONEY #FUCKOFFAME-LIA JUST HURRY UP AND GET DIVORCED SO HE CAN BE WITH SOMEONE WHO LOVES HIM #BITCH’ You can call me many things but do NOT call me a bitch because I will end you and as for the rest of it ARE YOU CRAZY, there are so many things wrong with that statement I don’t even know where to start “Oh…”   
“Amelia I’m sorry”   
“For what?”   
“People writing those things about you… oh Lops don’t cry… please don’t cry…” I hadn’t realised I was crying, I was just a bit dumbfounded, but I suppose this is the kind of thing that comes with the territory you can’t please all of the people all of the time. But why now? And why over this photo? All the questions whirling round in my head got me in a spin and my body betrayed me by spilling tears down my cheeks, tears that he mops up with his fingers before scooping me up to-wards him. Steph’s message is still blinking away on the screen in front of us, so he types a quick response that I’ll talk to her later.   
“Do people say things like that a lot and you delete them before I can see them?” Have I been na-ïve? Am I hated and I just haven’t noticed? I’ll admit I’m guilty of not checking my own social media accounts for nasty comments, I have them set to notify me ONLY if someone who I’m following interacts with me on there (Instagram and Twitter, Steph runs my Facebook page and website)   
“No…” I glare at him through my tears “Amelia really, yes before you my… whatever they were had a tendency to be badmouthed and I stuck up for them because it was the right thing to do, but no one has ever had a bad word to say about you, I am yet to meet a person who doesn’t like you… this is just a random slander attack and the person that said it will pay the penance I shall make sure of that”   
“What do you mean?”   
“Saying things like that online is slander and slander is a crime”   
“Jared don’t have someone arrested for the sake of one sentence”   
“But Little Pea look if we don’t take a stand against it it’ll get worse, people need to learn you can’t just publicly slag people off anymore, it’s offensive and you’re in tears and NO ONE hurts my wife never mind make her cry, it’s not on, URGH I’M SO FUCKING ANGRY”   
“Calm down Jared” Raisin starts barking she hates anything that’s not calm, any raised voices or a sense of unease and she barks   
“Alright Raisinette I’m sorry I’m sorry” He scoops her off the floor from near his feet and adds her to the cuddle mass on the couch “But Mommy is upset and someone has done that to her, you’d be mad too”   
“Jared, report the comment, but don’t take it any further, nobody has made a threat just a bit of bad mouthing, if it was a threat I would be behind you a hundred percent… so report the comment and think of a way to hit back with subtlety”   
“Amelia…” He sighs and pushes my hair behind my ear “You know I don’t think any of those things though don’t you? Your art is AMAZING and you didn’t need ME to promote you… you certainly didn’t need my money Mrs Rich List”   
“I know, I know you don’t think those things, why would you think I did?”   
“Because this has come from one of MY followers, maybe someone that considers themselves echelon has said this, it’s not been on one of your posts, I just… I just don’t understand it”   
“People are weird Jerd face, and they do weird things, and people have things going on that make them lash out at the nearest thing that offends them, whether it’s the target of their anger or not, I shouldn’t have cried I just HATE being called bitch”   
“So out of all that you are offended to tears by one word?”   
“Yeah it grinds me so bad that word, she could have called me a cunt and I would have just rolled my eyes but bitch is so nasty, it was one of the words I got at school when I was bullied”   
“Well then let me shut it down”   
“I can fight my own battles”   
“But this time it’s MY battle”   
“Report the comment and the user Jared that’s all you need to do, in fact I could do it, I’m sur-prised no one else has already” We both look back to the phone screen where yes the comment is still there but the user who made it is being torn apart “See? I bet they don’t even come back”   
“Well I’m going to keep an eye on this AND I’m STILL going to report it to Instagram”   
“OK”   
“OK?”   
“Yes… now can I get back to talking to Steph please? I am a very busy lady you know, it takes a lot of planning to ride your shirt tails all the time… and obviously how I plan on spending your millions, probably on ginger hair dye”   
He rolls his eyes and puts a kiss to my temple as Raisin settles down in his lap making her apprecia-tive grunting sounds while he scratches her head with one hand and fiddles with his phone with the other. I didn’t notice him taking the photo, and I could have quite happily throttled him for the image of me on the couch, hood pulled up on the sweater I was wearing, glasses perching on the end of my nose, iPad screen reflected in them, chewing my bottom lip in concentration but then I read the caption ‘Mrs Leto working hard, spending her own money, being beautifully redheaded as always #LittlePea #MyWorld #HatersBeGone’   
***************************************************************************************************************  
He’s gone for seventy two hours. It’s good for me because he’s still not figured out work / home / Amelia and Jared time and he’s been well… he’s been getting under my feet to be honest clinging to me, poking me in the face, sticking his fingers in my ears, messing with my paints… It’s not that he doesn’t have stuff to do of his own just like I said he’s not worked out the balance yet (and maybe sometimes he gets in these panics about me getting sick again and thinks he has to sit on top of me to stop it, even though I’m fine… seriously I’m fine). I relish in the freedom of a Jared free day for the first twenty four hours and bop around the apartment with Raisin and Beast to stupid overly cheerful pop music, eating things fried in animal fats whilst wearing my sweatpants and spirit hood. But when I wake up in the morning and he’s not slung over me the apartment is cold and still (apart from the snorting snoring of Raisin) I miss him. I miss him SO much, it’s been what feels like forever since we were apart like this, I’ve been spoilt with him not being on tour, and working for the most out of Los Angeles it’s that huge hole thing going on again but even more so now and I feel like I’ve lost my left arm.   
I fill my time with visits, one to Char (where we in no way ride around the pool in Harry’s toy Range Rover), one to Veronica and Lily Rose who pukes down me and I don’t even fuss and I even go see my parents. Jared (and all associated with Thirty Seconds to Mars) had been to play a one off show for part of a Halloween ball in Louisiana so it being a home coming gig of sorts Constance has gone too or I’d be bugging her as well, not that she’d mind. I’ve not really done Halloween since I was at college, I mean me and V have been to those scare night things but I’ve not put on a Halloween costume for YEARS. I was surprised by Jared’s Freddy Krueger costume though, I would have put him down for more of a comedy type costume kinda guy? WELL what I mean was I was hoping he’d dress as a lion because THAT would make my life.   
I find myself unable to concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing and prior to Jared coming home I go on a little Halloween mission of my own, hoping that when he comes in through the apartment door he’s alone because if he rolls in with Emma or Shayla or someone else it’s going to take some explaining.   
“LOPS?” With as much confidence as I can muster, and trying to keep a straight face I appear in the bedroom door way (clinging on for dear life that I don’t fall in the heels I’ve got on)   
“Welcome home Sir…”   
“Oh dear lord what is this?”   
“Happy belated Halloween”   
“Jessica Rabbit?”   
“Uh huh”   
“Shall I go get rabbit ears?”   
“No need” I hold up a pair of white rabbit ears that I’d got at the same time I’d picked my costume (and a few other things) up   
“Well…” He strolls over to me unable to keep the smile off his face, Raisin is at Chars for the time being (for believe it or not HER wedding outfit fitting) so there’s no pug nipping his ankles and de-manding his attention as he makes his way over. I get a small kiss to my lips and he slips the ears on to his head “… you’re very… tall… and erm… sparkly”   
“I could take it off if you like Sir?”   
“Are they satin gloves?” He runs his fingers up my left arm letting the smooth satin material slide under his fingertips   
“Yup”   
“HHhhmmm right well… I am going to take a seat on the bed where I can get a proper look” I’m pushed gently to the side allowing him to get into the bedroom where he does as he says and sits on the end of the bed looking me up and down “Am I allowed to ask questions?”   
“Yes Sir”   
“OK then, how did you get into that?”   
“Zipped in by Char when I dropped Raisin off”   
“What’s on underneath it?”   
“Why do you ask?”   
“You don’t usually look like… that…”   
He’s right, apart from my red hair I am in no way Jessica Rabbit shaped so I have had some struc-tural help, again from Char (bless that girl seriously she never bats an eyelid when I rope her into these things) “I’m cheating slightly”   
“Take it off”   
“Which part Sir?”   
“The dress Amelia, take OFF the goddam dress”   
“Don’t you like it?”   
“I like it plenty but I have a NEED to see what’s underneath it”   
“OK…” I pull the tab that we put on the zip for this very moment (I say tab it’s an elastic band looped through the zip which makes it easier to pull down) the dress easily slips from my body and pools at my feet where I step out of it and kick it to the side of the room as gracefully as I can   
“Where d’you get the shoes?”   
He’s not even looking at my torso right now but at my feet, in shoes that I don’t really like and cost an extortionate amount of money but hey if you’re gonna do something properly, do it properly “Christian Louboutin”   
“Of course you did” he rubs his hand over his beard and taps his fingers against his lips, deep in thought   
“You don’t like it”   
He stands up and walks towards me “Oh I like it Mrs Leto, I like it very much, I just don’t know whether to touch it, take it off, sit and look at it, jerk myself off over it, get YOU to jerk me off over it, tie you up while you wear it and spank you as punishment for having… dirty thoughts while I was away…” A finger is run down the side of my face which then makes its way down my corset en-closed body “…does it hurt?”   
“A bit”   
“Turn around please”   
I swallow and spin round, I don’t know what reaction I was hoping for, for him to rip it off and pound me into the nearest surface? Keep it on and pound me into the nearest surface? As my back meets his gaze I hear him sink to his knees behind me, his hands start running up the inside of my stocking covered legs, tracing the lace at the tops with his fingertips “What are you doing?”   
“Worshipping you from the feet upwards” I blush, I can see it in the reflection of the turned off TV screen on the wall and I can feel it, I feel it spreading across my face, and a warm pooling sensation begins at my core “Is that ok?” Kisses are placed to the tops of my thighs and just underneath my butt, I hadn’t put any panties on they just seemed like they would be a hindrance to this mission. Rather than spin me round, he crawls around to my front and kisses the tops of my feet. This is making me feel a bit… weird… good but weird… “Amelia… I don’t deserve you…”   
I take his hand and lift him from the floor, taking the silly rabbit ears off his head “Yes you do… you’re my husband”   
“And you are beautiful… wife” He bends down, although not far due to the heels on my feet, and kisses me, one of those kisses that starts sweet and lingering then heats up quickly as my hands wind into his hair and I feel his erection digging into me even through the boning of my corset “I feel incredibly either over dressed or under dressed right now I can’t make up my mind”   
“Well let me help you with that…” I strip him out of his clothes, and he lets me, stands there while I move him around and give him kisses in between each layer I remove. When he’s naked I sink to my own knees licking my lips as I go, before I put my mouth to work I let my hands stroke him, let his dick slide into my satin encased hands, the sensation of which has him making a noise I’ve never heard before so I keep my hands moving and add my mouth to the mix, tasting him, I’ve missed him but I’m in no hurry to rush this   
“I bet you’re so wet, I can taste you from here and I’ve not even touched you…” His hands are on top of my head, fingers in my hair, pulling my head gently as he thrusts in time with my own rhythm “…up” I look up at him, having pulled mouth my away, he’s pupils are blown black, the beautiful blue is barely visible, he runs a finger down the side of my face and under my chin “Please Amelia… get on the bed” I do as he asks and get on to the bed, on the lower part, feet still in heels dangling off the end “DO NOT touch yourself…” My hands had been aiming for my core but they still at his words, he kneels between my legs and lets his hands read the boning on my corset, concentrating hard on each bit of lace, each panel of satin, his hands pushing my waist fur-ther in “I love you”   
“I love you too” I lift my arms up to pull him down to me in a kiss, he tastes as he always does of fruit and fresh air, and he smells spicy, a sweet spice, its heady and divine   
“Will you leave it on for me while I fuck you?”   
I’ve still got it all on, the gloves, the stockings, the corset “Yes Sir”   
He lifts my right leg towards him, resting it on his chest, ankle at his ear and shuffles his hips in my direction, his dick pushing between my folds, demanding entrance, sliding at how wet he’s made me just with his gentle touches. I use my satin gloved hand to guide him inside me as his hands are already on my hips, ready to pull, and pull he does, the second he pushes himself that final inch inside me he pulls out and slams his hips forwards again. He loves it like this, any position where I’m at his mercy, underneath him, spread out for him. He moves one of his hands and using his fin-gers he grips the bottom of my corset for balance and uses his thumb to push on my clit “Oh fuck…”   
I move my own hands as much as I can, running the smooth satin of my fingers all over him, all over me. He’s not looking away from me, he’s not closing his eyes he’s just watching me. I can feel my body swelling in heat, the corset starts to constrict me in the most delicious way, my toes are curl-ing to the point that I lose the shoe from the foot that’s still hanging from the edge of the bed where it lands with a thud “I… oh… I… fuck…”   
“You’ve been waiting three days for me to come home and make you cum haven’t you?”   
“Yes Sir” His thumb movements become more forceful, it’s only going to take a moment longer and I’m going to be falling   
“Just hold it for me… I want to feel you cum when I do… I’m so close… you feel so… oh fuck…”   
I can’t stop it my back arches away from the bed, and I hook my free leg around him, pulling him even closer and that’s what finishes us both. We’re that wonderful symphony of moaning and panting and heavy breathing a cacophony of sound and pleasure I never want to end “I’ve only got one shoe on…” He laughs loudly, puts a kiss to my calf and releases my leg (after taking my one shoe off and putting it on the floor). I stay on my back and he snuggles up to me “I missed you”   
“Hallelujah it’s a miracle my wife admits she missed me”   
“Sark…”   
“I missed you too Lops, I should however go away more often if I get to come home to this… are you ok? You said it hurt?”   
“It’s starting to hurt even more” Now the pleasure was wearing off I was starting to be aware of having my ribs and internal organs crushed for the sake of curves, women of yesteryear that wore these things every day I salute you   
“Right let’s get it off then… do I pull here?”   
“Please” the lacing did up at the front, and it was super tight because Char quite literally put her foot on my knees and pulled with all her might so get it tight enough to give me a proper waist (I have to return the favour with her wedding day apparel, which I shall gladly do out of revenge more than anything else). The second he undoes the knot at the top it practically bursts open and I take a huge full deep breath.   
“Jesus Lops…”   
“What?” I look down at my body and see the deep red welted blistered indents that have been caused by the boning   
“Are you ok?”   
“Yeah…”   
“I’m gonna go get the spanking cream stuff that’ll soothe this I should think, but Amelia, maybe not so tight next time huh?” A kiss is put to the end of my nose and I watch as he walks away from me, amazingly cute butt jiggling as he goes.   
Missed you Jerd, missed you loads


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's POV

My brother is getting married, I know he’s older but to me he always feels like the younger one, like my baby brother is getting married. And he is so calm about it he could almost be horizontal in fact at one point in the lead up he goes for a nap, so he literally is horizontal. Leaving me and Tomo in our groomsmen roles to make sure everything is all a ok and of course it is because Amelia and Veronica have been involved and if there’s one thing they love it’s a list, organisation, order, so we find ourselves greeting guests with Jamie who’s acting as usher as nothing else needs doing.   
Shannon rolls out of bed at the cliff top country club it’s happening at five minutes before it’s sup-posed to start, it’s a good job he didn’t bump into Char on his way down from the room they’ll be staying in tonight, bad luck and all that. We assemble at the top of the aisle and he’s still fine, I was so nervous I thought I was going to puke, or pass out, or just die it was the worst anxiety attack I ever had. It was ok when I saw Amelia though. And all my nerves I’m feeling on behalf of Shannon disappear when I see Amelia walking towards me today.   
She leads the wedding procession with Raisin on her lead in a tutu that matches her fifties style deep blue bridesmaids dress. She makes it to the top with no tears, no wobbling, and Raisin is hi-larious as she struts up the aisle like she’s at Crufts. V follows with Lily in her arms, I don’t think Lily was supposed to be in her arms but she wailed every time Jamie held her or put her in her pram so she’s ended up being carried, and finally behind them is Char with both her parents who hand her over to Shannon at the alter with a smile like I’ve never seen before. Char does look beautiful of course, her dress matches Amelia and Veronica’s except hers is white with white shoes, but flat so she doesn’t tower over her fun sized groom.   
The registrar starts up with his “Dear Beloved…” and I relax into the scene, meaning that I stand and stare at my wife as inconspicuously as possible. Raisin’s sitting at her feet, and despite the heels on them (Amelia’s not Raisin’s) she’s not got a hint of a wobble. She looks elegant and beau-tiful. My beautiful wife whom I love more than anything or anyone. I’ve been in love before, I’m not saying I haven’t, I’ve had crazy all-consuming die without them love, love that wasn’t sup-posed to be, love that just fizzled out, love that broke me but never have I experienced a love like I have for Amelia. It was always there, right from the beginning and it grew and continues to grow every day. Don’t get me wrong there are days when I don’t like her very much for whatever rea-son but the love… it’s something else. She catches me looking at her and smiles, one of those beaming smiles without a hint of a ‘stop staring at me Jerd’ glare. She makes me feel all warm in-side, as if anything is possible. She’d tell me I was being soppy and yes I am sometimes it’s like a rush and I blurt out all this stuff before I can stop myself then I feel daft for saying it all. She’s my best friend, she’s my other half, yin to my yang however you want to describe it that’s what my Amelia is and now Shannon has that with Char with the addition of Harry. We’d have reached this point with or without the birth of my niece, she was just an added extra. She’s happily sitting on my Mum’s knee right now looking at her parents with great fascination, no idea what’s going on but she got to wear a dress that matches her Mommy’s and her Aunties AND she’s been promised cake if there’s one thing Harry LOVES it’s cake, and Raisin knows that too I fully expect the dog to be glued to Harry when food is served so she gets a share. Looking at Harry though I know that me and Amelia aren’t meant to have one of our own, it’s supposed to be me and her, I’m not saying we are incapable of loving another being if it happened by accident but we love each other maybe too much to divide that love with a child. Both of us have experienced the rougher end of love and finally finding the one you love more than anything can make you selfish, make you not want to share that love apart from with each other.   
My Mom has Harry and Amelia’s parents have Jack meaning that we’re off the hook as far as pro-ducing grandchildren is concerned. The pressure from society as a whole however is incredible, like it’s expected, we’ve been married nearly a year and together three so where’s the baby? Peo-ple who have only been together a matter of weeks have babies, yes because they believe it’s right. It’s the twenty first century, there’s same sex marriage, adoptions, and transgender wed-dings things are moving forward, the traditional family unit of man wife and two point five children is long gone yet people still think you should produce a child. I married my wife for love, not ba-bies, I wanted her to be mine, not anyone else’s.   
There’s quite an excessive PDA as they’re pronounced man and wife that causes a few whispers, coughs and giggles, at least me and Amelia didn’t have a full on make out session in front of our assembled guests. A round of applause breaks out into the early evening air and they make their way back up the aisle as man and wife. Meaning I get to walk back up the aisle with MY wife, and my beautiful pooch.   
“Raisinette look at you, you look so pretty…”   
“Thanks I try my best”   
I put a kiss to her cheek not wanting to smudge her lipstick (until later) “And you Amelia, I don’t need to tell you how spectacular you look, you know I love it when you wear a fancy frock… AND hey no tears, did she do well Raisin? Mommy’s make up is still on straight no tears spilling down her cheeks tonight”   
“I’ll make tears spill down your cheeks in a minute”   
“Was everything ok? No last minute nerves?”   
“Nope Char and V took naps, without having children clinging to them they crashed out for a cou-ple of hours I thought we were going to be late down”   
“Me too Shannon also took a nap”   
“Well the couple that naps together stays together I guess” She takes my hand into hers and we walk back up the aisle, stopping every so often to let people (mainly of the small variety) pet Rai-sin.  
We’re greeted with glasses of champagne as we enter the room where the reception is being held, I note that Emma choses orange juice. I wish she’d just admit she was pregnant I don’t know why she’s not, well I think SHE thinks that I’m going to freak out and I admit if this was four years ago then yes I would have been beyond freaked but she’s her OWN person now, not mine, she has her own place within the companies and if she feels at a point in her life and career to take a break and have a baby then that’s what she should do, doesn’t matter what I think. Shayla is show-ing no sign of wanting a relationship never mind starting a family, and if she did I would just get another assistant until she / Emma came back. I’m a big boy now, I buy my own clothes, go to Star-bucks myself and EVERYTHING.   
“Why won’t Emma admit she’s pregnant?”   
“Because she doesn’t want you to freak out”   
“So she IS pregnant?”   
“Of course she is, but don’t say anything let her tell you, it took me an hour and a half and trying to literally force wine down her neck for her to admit it”   
“I’m happy for her”   
“Good then when she tells you make sure you tell her that, she’s not going anywhere she’d just going to need some rearranging of stuff is all I’m sure Shayla is more than capable”   
“HEY I am more than capable too, I buy my own socks now”   
“No I buy your socks Jared”   
“That was ONE time” Yes she did buy my socks ONCE I got the airport realised that I’d forgotten to pack some so Amelia went to get some for me while I checked into my flight but apart from that I buy my own socks, and pants, and EVEN my own toothpaste “ANYWAY when did she tell you?”   
“While you were away we had dinner at her apartment”   
“You’ve known for two weeks and not told me?”   
“I am allowed secrets”   
“I know that Amelia, I’m just impressed you managed to keep it a secret for so long”   
“HEY!”   
Dinner is served and speeches are made. My Mom makes a beautiful speech, in which she thanks Amelia again for brining love to my life, and Char for bringing the same to Shannon. I make a quick speech, shortening the one I’d written as my Mom said all I wanted to. V’s parents come and col-lect Lily Rose who spent the majority of the meal asleep in the crook of my arm, just because me and Amelia aren’t going to have our own doesn’t mean I don’t love other peoples and I adore Lily she’s my goddaughter, so she’s extra special to me and Amelia, another one to dote on and spoil rotten before we give them back. Amelia’s parents are with Art and Katie in San Fran for the weekend but sent a telegram that was really sweet. I love my family, my growing family.   
“Congratulations” Amelia is circling the room with V making sure everyone signs the guest book and has met Raisin (who has been given a ribbon by Char as a wedding favour that says ‘official Raisin of honour’ on it) and I’ve finally caught Emma alone at the bar, where she is of course or-dering a soft drink “In Amelia’s defence she only just told me today, I have to admit Em I am a bit offended you haven’t told me”   
“I didn’t want you to freak out”   
“Emma, you’re not just my assistant anymore, you’re my business partner and above that you are my FRIEND, I’m happy for you”   
“Really?”   
“Yes of course, I mean I assume that me and Amelia are about to gain another godchild?”   
“I would have thought so”   
“GOOD then you just tell me what we need to do work wise and we’ll do it, if you need extra help we’ll get it ok?”   
“OK”   
“Hey what’s going on here?” Amelia looks at Emma and then back at me reading the situation “Sor-ry Em”   
“Don’t worry, I needed to tell him”   
“And still I don’t understand why it was such a big deal, I’m a big boy now” They both stare at me and roll their eyes in unison, fuckers. Next time a woman says she’s just ‘happy’ across the middle I shall just assume they’re pregnant until I am proved otherwise.   
Being a wedding there’s dancing to be had. Char and Shannon take their first dance to ‘More Than A Woman’ by the Bee Gees because they both have a love for the Saturday Night Fever sound-track that cannot be stopped. It’s Amelia that pulls ME on to the dance floor, leaving Raisin sitting with my Mom eating leftover cake from her plate, Harry is dancing between Shannon and Char half asleep, she’s going home with my Mom for the night leaving us ‘young’uns’ as she called us to par-ty. Although I doubt it will be a late one, we’re not that young anymore, we have become the em-barrassing dancing parents.   
I lose Amelia for a while, she said she was taking Raisin outside to pee but that was ages ago, she’s missed saying goodbye to my Mom and Harry, AND Emma and Paul who’ve gone early citing ex-haustion (more like relief of me now knowing Emma is pregnant). I excuse myself from Vicki, To-mo, Shayla and Stevie (seriously is that happening? And I’m not being told? Why do people not tell me anything?) to go find the wife.   
“Lops?”   
“YUP?” She’s sat on the stoop that leads down to the lawn with Raisin snoozing at her feet, she’s kicked her shoes off and is letting her toes spread out feeling the dewy cool grass between them   
“You ok? You’ve been gone ages”   
“Yeah sorry, didn’t realise was looking at the stars” I look up and see what she means, away from the city out of the cliffs like this by the ocean the stars and moon are so clear and bright, really beautiful, just like she is. I take a seat next to her wrapping my arm round her shoulder and pulling her towards me “They’re so bright out here”   
“Are Shayla and Stevie a thing?”   
“I have NO idea… seriously I don’t, maybe they hook up, I mean who could blame them, they’re both single and work with each other, it would make sense, but I don’t know for sure”   
“No one tells me anything”   
“Because you’re a control freak”   
“Says YOU”   
“Says ME… You wanna go dance some more?”   
“How about we dance out here? You me and Raisinette… hang on…” I kick my own shoes and socks off letting the damp grass squash between my toes, it does feel nice. Before I pull Amelia towards me I lift Raisin up into my arms where she balances between us “Now how’s that?”   
“There’s no music”   
“Let’s sing then, you sing whatever comes into your head first”   
She huffs and tries not to giggle, she’s got such a sweet little singing voice but will often giggle out of embarrassment when I ask her to sing to me (which I do sometimes, just because…) “When you’re lost you can look and you will find me…”   
“Time after time….” We look down at Raisin, tongue out happy in our embrace, then back to each other and smile.   
“TIME AFTER TIME…”


End file.
